Month: October 2015

It’s that time of year again – like it or not, the kids are back in school! This means busier schedules and more activities, but hopefully getting back into a routine is helpful for everyone in your family. Those open houses, parent-teacher conferences, sports, recitals, and other activities probably mean seeing your ex-spouse a whole lot more than you may have needed to during the summer. At the very least, it may be daunting to think about having to sit through these activities amicably, verses seeing your ex quickly during dropping off or picking up the kids.  How do you manage co-parenting for these activities? Some families choose to divvy-up which parent goes to which activities based solely on who has custody of the children during that given time, while other parents don’t want to miss a thing. This is a parenting challenge where those parenting plans play such an important role in your divorce. If you already agreed on how you will handle this it may be black and white for you and your family. However some grey area is to be expected; father-daughter dance falls on mom’s weekend? – do you want to be the parent that takes that away from your child because of a technicality? Probably not. There may be times that you think it will be impossible to be in the same room as your ex-spouse. You certainly don’t need to sit next to your ex on the bleachers during your son’s football game, but for the sake of the children you should sit down with your ex and determine what works best for attending activities. Whether you divide the games evenly and both attend the big games/recitals/conferences or you choose to formulate another game plan, it’s important to do this ahead of time to avoid arguments and misunderstandings later. It’s not always easy, but co-parenting amicably can give your children stability and close relationships with both parents. Some day you and your blended families may have that moment together on the bleachers, but you don’t need to push it before everyone is ready.

Believe it or not, most divorce lawyers are very good people. I know that seems hard to believe, based on the negative opinions that much of the public has about lawyers; and about divorce. But it’s true. Divorce has never been the most lucrative area of law, and it really can be emotionally draining, so most of the lawyers who choose to work in this area have done so because they care about families. And most of them truly do try to help make a positive difference. This may seem odd coming from someone who has spent most of his career keeping people out of divorce court and, to a degree, away from lawyers. In fact, I do believe that family law issues can be resolved much better when we get as far away from the court as possible, but that is not because judges and lawyers are bad people; the courtroom just isn’t a place designed for family problems. At least not yet. There are people out there with great visionary ideas so that we may one day see a courtroom that is truly designed to help families heal. We seem to be heading in that direction but there is a long way to go. Until that happens, the courtroom can still have a tendency to polarize families in unexpected ways. Today, there are many ways to resolve family issues; you can mediate, collaborate, litigate, agitate or even just vegetate. There are plenty of good lawyers working in all of these issues. Even litigation, the last resort of the family law food chain, has drawn many good people. To use a medical analogy, litigation is the surgery of the divorce world; something to use when all else has failed. But if it does happen, you still need a good surgeon; not just one that can cut straight but one that can minimize the collateral damage; and that can be the toughest part. So, what is the true measure of a great family law attorney? In my humble opinion it is an attorney who will give you an honest answer even if your best process option does not fall within their particular method of practice. It’s the collaborator who will tell you when you truly need to litigate or the litigator who will let you know when to collaborate. Even more, it is the lawyer who will tell you that they just don’t know about a particular option. The attorney who will admit that he or she just doesn’t really have much knowledge about a particular area is doing you a great service. The Collaborator who will admit that he has never been in the courtroom much and, therefore, cannot speak from experience about what goes on there, is upholding his or her solemn duty. Similarly, the litigator who admits that most of what they know about Collaborative Law is hearsay and suggests you go to a competent and experienced Collaborative attorney to have your questions answered about that process. This blog is written on the Collaborative Law website, so naturally I am going to end by suggesting you contact a Collaborative Professional about Collaborative Practice. See www.collaborativelaw.org. or www.divorcechoice.com. But don’t just settle for that. Make sure that the person who gives you advice provides you with honest answers about all process choices. And if they don’t have the answer, or if they don’t have an experience in an area, make sure they tell you that. You deserve that. There is too much at stake for you to simply be sold whatever some attorney happens to be selling.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. One in four women (25%) has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime. Separated and divorced males and females are at a greater risk of domestic violence. However, it is difficult to track the percentage of divorces that were the result of domestic violence simply because they are not recorded as such and because many divorcees hide that they were/are a victim of abuse. Even if you are not a victim of domestic violence, as a community, we owe it to one another to become educated in order to detect, and offer support and shelter for victims suspected domestic abuse. In a national survey of American families, 50% of the men and women who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children. Protect yourself and your children. Keep good records. As long as you are still living with your spouse or partner, record every incident of physical or emotional abuse that involves you or your kids. Write down the date, time, and place of every event, along with a description of what happened and any injuries to you or your children. Make a plan to stay safe – after you decide to get out, do some planning to put a safety net in place. Try to save some cash, and stash some clothes for yourself and your kids with a friend. Make sure that friend’s home is not somewhere your partner would immediately think to look for you (i.e. Not your best friend’s or parent’s home). If you are a victim of domestic abuse know that you can get help. There are programs across the country which provide immediate assistance for survivors of domestic abuse and their families. One amazing resource here in the Twin Cities the Domestic Abuse Project, or DAP, which helps victims develop safety plans, file protective orders, and find safe shelter. They also reach out to all victims of domestic violence identified in Minneapolis police reports to provide ongoing support and make critical resource referrals. DAP Therapy works with adult male perpetrators of violence, adult women survivors of violence, and children and adolescents who have witnessed or experienced abuse. To find out more about DAP visit www.domesticabuseproject.com. Other helpful links and phone numbers: – The Minnesota Domestic Violence Crisis Line is available 24 hours a day at 1.866.223.1111 www.dayoneservices.org – The National Domestic Violence Crisis Line is available 24 hours a day at 1.800.799.SAFE www.theHotline.org – Locate a domestic violence shelter near you at www.domesticshelters.org