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159627120-heart-shaped-jigsaw-puzzle-with-missing-gettyimagesDo you do jigsaw puzzles? They can be great exercise for your brain, but they do require patience. The image on the box looks great, and then there’s the daunting moment you must face after dumping the pieces out in a messy pile. Those who approach puzzles with strategy most definitely have an advantage, and sites like Puzzlewarehouse.com offer tips for people attempting puzzles for the first time. Divorces can be like undone puzzles in many ways, and so these tips overlap with what we do as collaborative divorce attorneys. Here are six tips in particular from puzzlewarehouse.com that relate well to the collaborative divorce process:
  1. “Flip all pieces upwards.”
  • “Having all your pieces facing the same way can be tedious, but it makes it so you’re working with the whole puzzle the whole time, and it’ll make the next steps quicker.”
This first step is true for both puzzles and couples looking for a divorce. Couples who begin the divorce process must deliver their “pieces” (of information) to the professionals involved in their case. Details that need the attention of everyone involved must be “flipped upwards” (brought to light) so they can be placed well in the bigger picture.
  1. “Find all the edge pieces.”
  • “Constructing your border gives you a defined space that you’ll work inside as you build.”
There are clear boundaries for each collaborative case that are determined in the first meeting between the clients and their chosen professionals. A few things that are considered are the interests and goals of each client, as well as a participation agreement and general expectations of conduct. Having clear parameters makes collaboration possible and desired outcomes attainable.
  1. “Sort by color.”
  • “From here you can build recognized sections of the puzzle.”
It is the job of collaborative attorneys to help their clients sort out and understand various options for building their divorce agreement. Attorneys can do this more easily when the clients have gathered their personal information (assets, lifestyle, etc.) so no piece is missing. A complete set of “pieces” makes sorting by type easy, so that the different sections of the agreement can be put together quickly and completely, including every aspect from child support to personal property to businesses and real estate. The big picture agreement that results will be one that suits the needs of both parties.
  1. “Special pieces.”
  • “Some pieces will be part of really distinguishing parts of the puzzle because it has text on it, or a color that’s only in one spot. Keep those separate and build on them as you can… it will be easy to spot where it goes as you start assembling the puzzle.”
Every couple has a unique case because of the specific goals and circumstances in their lives that they bring with them to the case. Certain issues (“distinguishing parts”) will have priority over others so that the bigger picture of the divorce agreement can be finalized. Family businesses, special needs children, and out-of-state job offers are all examples of special pieces in a divorce that require special attention from the start.
  1. “Work on small sections at a time.”
  • “Instead of trying to work on the entire puzzle at once, it can be really helpful to work on small portions so that you’re accomplishing sections. This will help keep you motivated and you’ll have a visual record of your progress.”
Helping clients break down the divorce process into pieces that are manageable is an important part of the process for collaborative attorneys. Maintaining a broader perspective that keeps the bigger picture in sight without getting “lost in the weeds” (or, pile of puzzle pieces), is important. Keeping checklists and journals are both recommended methods that can work well for clients trying to maintain this perspective.
  1. “Don’t give up.”
  • “When you’re tired… take a break… sometimes too much time at one problem can take away from [the puzzle process]. A fresh look at it later may help you see things you missed, too!”
Stress is often a part of any divorce process, and a collaborative team of professionals will try to pace the tasks so the clients can remain comfortable yet productive. Communication is always encouraged so that all needs will be heard. Avoiding the burnout that often happens in litigated divorce is easier when the case is approached with appropriate pacing and communication. With the collaborative divorce process, setting a schedule at their own pace is something within the client’s control. * * * People with skills in putting jigsaw puzzles together gained those skills by putting many puzzles together. Collaborative divorce attorneys have years of experience in putting together divorce agreements in and have developed their skills through practice and love to efficiently lead their clients towards the best agreement for everyone.      
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551985347Is money a little tight and it seems you’ll never get ahead in life? Perhaps it’s time for you to invest in yourself. In fact, investing in yourself can be the most profitable investment that you can make.  Three possible investment options include investing to improve your skills, your creativity and your health. To invest in your education and skills consider these investment options:
  • Increase your education – get an advanced degree or relevant certification that will qualify you for a better job.
  • Increase your skills – for example, become more efficient by learning about computer software or even a computer language. Take courses that provide skills which will make you stand out when a promotion is considered, such as communications and managing people.
  • Expand your knowledge – are there technical aspects of your job that you just assume are someone else’s job to figure out? Take a deeper dive into the technical aspects of what your department does.  Also, keep up-to-date on the current trends or advancements in your profession or industry. If something strikes a chord, bring it up at work and you may get noticed for your interest in improving your skills, the office or company.
To invest in your creativity, you need to expose yourself to ideas, concepts and experiences that help you think outside the box. Consider trying new things such as:
  • Take an art class such as drawing, photography or jewelry making
  • Learn to play an instrument
  • Take a trip and really learn about the people, their culture and history. Heck even try learning their language.
  • Take up a hobby that involves learning and doing rather than buying and collecting.
Finally, invest in your health. You can avoid spending a lot of money on prescriptions, doctors and hospitals by staying healthy. And, when you have less stress, you become a better person and more efficient worker.
  • Make healthy food choices
  • Make time to move – walk, bike, hike, play tennis, do yoga.
  • Make time to relax. Learn to enjoy slowing it down. Read a book, take a trip, learn to meditate.
  • Make time for family and friends. Learn the skill of conversation, accept and don’t judge.
  • Make time for yourself. Listen to what your body is telling you.
A full life is measured by so many dimensions other than wealth.  You need to figure out the dimensions of your life that make you feel fortunate, whether the stock market is up or down.
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State Farm Demolition
State Farm Building Demolition in Woodbury, MN
For anyone living or working in the east metro, especially Woodbury, the iconic State Farm Regional Office Building that once loomed over the Radio Drive and I94 corridor is now a pile of rubble.  It was a symbol of economic growth when it was built in 1994, then became a symbol of economic slowdown and job loss when it was vacated in 2006.  Watching as it was dismantled, I initially thought it was a waste to tear it down.  Developers tried, though, for a long time to “recycle” the building.  But who needed, wanted, or could subdivide 400,000 feet under one gargantuan roof?  So, assuming all avenues were explored, developers decided to demolish it.
The divorce process is similar to a building demo: sometimes you just need to tear everything down, in a methodical and deliberate manner, and start over.
If the interior walls are immovable, the space can’t be reconvened, and the foundation is crumbling, it might be more cost-effective to tear down and rebuild, IF you don’t charge in with a wrecking ball and create mass chaos.  The collaborative divorce process is anything BUT a wrecking ball.  It is a thoughtful, deliberate, respectful, and diplomatic approach to divorce.  Collaboratively trained lawyers are mindful of complex family systems, utilize interest-based negotiation, and help you and your spouse co-parent your children while essentially, re-configuring your family.  While it can be scary watching the walls come down, the end result is an intentional, creative, and lasting “structure” (or plan) that can actually create more stability in the future.
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483830182-loudspeaker-gettyimagesThe Four Agreements is a best-selling book by Don Miguel Ruiz that articulates principles people can choose to follow to stay out of conflict with others.  These principles are extremely relevant and helpful for parents going through a divorce or break up.  I have written in the past about the Second and Third Agreements (The Second: I will not personalize anything the other person says, does, thinks or believes; and the Third: I will make no assumptions).  This blog focuses on the First Agreement:  I will be impeccable with my word.  The First Agreement agreement is the foundation of trustworthy and effective co-parenting communication. To be impeccable means to be truthful.  It means to speak with the intention of being respectful rather than negative, critical or hostile.  It means to avoid spreading gossip, innuendo and half-truths.   It is a commitment to not use words as weapons to attack and try to hurt another person.  It means to only promise what you fully intend to follow through on. At first glance, the First Agreement seems like the easiest, especially since most of us are wired to generally see ourselves as the “good guys”.  We are always truthful, and all our co-workers find us reliable and respectful.  When we’re not impeccable with our word, we are justified, right?  We were provoked by the truly bad behavior of the other parent.  We were just trying to defend ourselves from their endless snark.  We were “just joking, for crying out loud.”  We were finally standing up for ourselves, and isn’t that our right? I get that our amygdalas have loud voices when another person has struck a nerve.  But there are three filters to apply to non-impeccable words:  do they help if my goal is to co-parent effectively?  Do I feel like a better person for having said them?  And most importantly:  Could my giving vent, being hostile, being judgmental, smearing my co-parent or lying to my co-parent ultimately hurt my child?  Too often the answer to the last question is yes, it can and it will. Bill Eddy is a lawyer and social worker who co-founded the High Conflict Institute, LLC.  Bill has been reaching out to family law courts and divorce professionals to equip them with tools to help parents follow the First Agreement during and after a divorce or break up, though he does not use the language of the Four Agreements in his work.   One of these tools I often recommend to my clients is the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) email protocol.  BIFF emails can work wonders to shift acrimonious exchanges to those that are businesslike and productive.  For more information and more ideas about how to become an impeccable communicator go to www.newways4families.com.
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Determining who is best qualified to help you reach your financial goals, understanding what they can do for you, and getting clarity on how they get paid for their services may be a challenge if this is all new to you. Here are some useful tips to find the right financial professional to help guide you through your financial matters. Designations The finance industry excels at creating financial designations for every conceivable financial situation.  If you are looking for a financial planning generalist who can help you with most issues, look for someone with either a CFP®, ChFC® or CFA® designation. A Certified Financial Planner® (CFP®) is the dominant designation for financial planners. The Chartered Financial Consultant® (ChFC®) designation is similar to CFP®. A Chartered Financial Analyst® (CFA®) is an expert in investment management, but has also studied the basics of financial planning.  In addition to one of these designations, many financial advisors who work in the divorce area also have a CDFA™ designation (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®). Background Check Once you find some candidates with the right credentials, do your homework and check out their website to see how much experience they have and if they indicate any specialty. You should also look into whether they have had any disciplinary issues with regulators, by performing a FINRA BrokerCheck® search. The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) has a file on every advisor working with a FINRA-registered brokerage firm at www.finra.org/Investors/ToolsCalculators/BrokerCheck Initial Meeting Questions Most financial planners will be happy to sit down with you for an initial meeting at no cost or obligation.  The initial meeting is your chance to learn more about the financial planner and their business, to explain your situation and learn what services the planner offers. The following are some essential questions to ask at the initial meeting. What experience do you have? The financial planner may have significant financial experience but it is the experience they have counseling individuals that really matters. What is your approach to financial planning? Ask what types of clients and financial situations the advisor typically works with.  For example, a planner that specializes on working with business owners may not be the best choice if you are newly divorced and in need of budgeting help. What services do you offer?  Some financial advisors may focus on helping you with your investment needs, where others will also provide comprehensive financial planning (i.e. retirement, education, estate, tax and budget planning). Many planners expect to manage your portfolio along with the other services that they offer.  Financial planners may also be good resources for and work closely with tax accountants and attorneys. Do you work alone or with a team? Financial planning is often done with a team approach where several specialists will assist the lead planner. When your financial planner is in meetings, it is good to know if there is someone else in the firm who can answer your questions or take care of basic requests in a timely manner. How much do you typically charge? How do I Pay for your services?  Financial planners may charge for their services in several ways. If they are only creating a plan for you, it may be a set project price or by the hour. If they are will be managing your investment portfolio on an on-going basis, they may earn a commission on the investments or a charge a fee based on the size of your portfolio. There are numerous questions that you should consider based on your own situation.  Remember that you are under no obligation in this meeting. If you intend to work with this planner over the long-term, it may take more than one meeting to determine if they are the right fit for you.  Whatever planner you decide to work with, make sure you know what services will be provided and how the planner will be compensated.  
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605383115-conceptual-spray-bottle-spraying-water-gettyimagesNew life is signaled by the coming of spring. Everything in spring, from the tiny buds on the trees to the bunnies in the garden, is related to new beginnings. Spring is also the season when many people get the urge to deep clean around the house. Donating still-useful things to charity and tossing the rest is a new beginning for our living space. It feels awesome! Housecleaning can also spur a deeper cleanout – taking on the less tangible things that clutter our psyches. This type of cleansing can be difficult, but is definitely worthwhile. Parts of our life that have stagnated no longer serve a life well lived, but nonetheless become habitual, and habits can be hard to break. Forgiving ourselves keeps any guilt we have from sapping the energy we need to make a change. Then, we can do some spring cleaning – either giving the stale part of life a good scrub and makeover, or mindfully tossing it altogether and beginning anew. No matter how harsh the (Minnesota) winter has been, nature starts fresh each year. It is expected and assumed, but miraculous at the same time. It is the perfect time of year to re-evaluate the state of your heart, your home, and your relationships. Say you’re sorry. Ask for forgiveness. Start anew. And then go outside and enjoy the warmer weather!
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73582147-wedding-cake-top-with-groom-bride-and-lawyer-gettyimagesWhen a couple divorces, the final decree or order from a Court typically dictates how property shall be divided, how the children shall be parented, and what support will be paid moving forward.  The decree will give you the dates and amounts of payments.  The decree will also tell you what amount each of you is awarded of accounts or who shall keep the house.  But there are some things a divorce does not dictate. After a divorce is final, here are six things you (or your attorney) should do to finalize the division and move forward:
  1. Divide cash accounts. Bank accounts and investment accounts can be divided on your own. You both may need to work together to close joint accounts or transfer funds from one individual account to another. At the end of the process, you should have no joint accounts unless you have agreed to own something jointly.
  2. Pay-off and close joint credit cards. Joint credit card should be paid off and closed. You can take care of this on your own.
  3. Divide retirement.  Retirement accounts need to be divided precisely as outlined in the decree. Non-qualified plans (like IRAs) can be divided with a copy of the decree and direction from the account holders – you can do this on your own.  Qualified plans (like pensions, 401(k)’s or 403(b)’s) need a court order and you will have to have your attorney draft this or hire a consultant.
  4. Property title transfer. Title for any real estate that was awarded in the decree needs to be transferred to the individual owner. This can be done with a quit claim deed or order from the court that needs to be recorded with the county property office.
  5. Health insurance. Set up your own health insurance if needed or work with your former spouse to continue coverage for them.
  6. Estate planning. Your original will (if you had one) is no longer valid after divorce so you will need a new one.  Hire an estate attorney to draft up a new will.
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182478021-cashflow-gettyimagesOne of the challenges of divorce is separating income that used to be joint income, along with separating into two households versus one. This is a recipe for cash flow drain for most couples.  All of the sudden the same income(s) that supported one household must now support two households. I want to share an example of how cash flow solutions can be achieved through the collaborative divorce process.  Assume we have a couple struggling to make their cash flow positive which is often the case with divorce.  A substantial strain on their living expenses is secondary private school tuition for two more years for their child. This amounts to approximately $15,000 for tuition the first year and another $18,000 for the second year.  They are attempting to make these payments from existing income.  The strain of these payments coupled with divorce has become unbearable.  The parents are both determined to keep their child in this private school through the eighth grade. Additional assumptions include this couple having a small first mortgage on their home.  This mortgage requires a monthly payment of approximately $1600.  In our example, we would research refinance options including home equity loans.  After researching options an acceptable bank loan could provide them with the flexibility needed to lower the monthly cash flow shortage from over $1300 to approximately $220.  While this does not completely cover the entire cash flow shortage, it improves it significantly. The parents could draw from other savings if needed to make up this shortfall or look to further reduce some expenses.   An agreement could include that each parent would pay one-half of the cost of the second year private school tuition.  They both would have the flexibility to pay their share of the tuition from income sources, from savings, or some combination of the two. Structuring this part of their plan allows them to accomplish several goals.  One is to keep their child in the private school for the two additional years until graduation.  Secondly, it allows one spouse to stay in the home until the child enters the public school system and graduates from high school.  At that time, the spouse retaining residency in the home could either buy out the other spouse’s interest in the home or the home could be sold with sale proceeds being shared between the two spouses. Not all cash flow challenges can be so easily resolved.  What makes this situation work is everyone knowing what the goals are and everyone working together to help the couple find solutions that are in the best interest of the family and their children. Collaborative divorce, with the use of selected experts in their fields, can help divorcing couples navigate difficult issues with money, children, relationships, and emotions.  To learn more about collaborative divorce visit www.collaborativelaw.org and be sure to check out our blog site on a variety of topics at www.collaborativedivorceoptions.com.