In my last post, on June 10, The Good News About Being Part of the Problem, I wrote about the power of seeing your own contribution to what’s going wrong in your marriage. That’s the first move. But it stays abstract until you know what you’re actually looking for.
In years of sitting with couples, I keep seeing the same handful of patterns show up — dressed differently each time, but built from the same parts. Most people don’t recognize their own until somebody names it for them. So here are eight of the most common, and a story about the one I know best, because it’s mine.
None of these are evidence of a bad partner or a bad marriage. Almost everyone reaches for them trying to feel better, get closer, or fix something that feels broken. That’s the part that surprises people most in my office: the strategy usually starts as an honest attempt to solve the problem. The trouble is that none of them actually work — and most of the time, we’re not even choosing them consciously. They’re old habits: learned in childhood, carried over from an earlier relationship, or just wired into being human when we feel scared, criticized, or unseen. You picked them up somewhere because, once, they got you something. Safety. Distance from pain. A feeling of control. The problem is they were never built for a long-term, two-person system, and inside a marriage, they quietly do more damage than the thing they were meant to fix.
Most Common Losing Strategies in Modern Marriage
- Unregulated venting. Everyone has feelings, and every feeling deserves a hearing. But delivered in a thoughtless, harsh, unfiltered way, it becomes hard for your partner to stay open and still listen. The feeling was legitimate. The delivery is what shuts the door. It sounds like unloading everything that’s bothered you for three weeks in one sitting, voice rising as you go, until your partner stops listening and starts defending.
- Being right. Arguing about whose version of the truth is correct doesn’t make you and your partner better teammates. It makes you opponents in a debate nobody really wins, even when they do. It sounds like replaying the exact wording of something said two years ago, needing your partner to admit fault before you’ll let the topic go.
- Shaming, humiliating, intimidating. Communicating that someone is bad, or a less desirable person. This includes ridiculing someone, mocking, being sarcastic, humoring, patronizing, or being condescending. It sounds like “that was a stupid thing to do,” delivered with a laugh so it can be waved off as a joke if you get called on it.
- Controlling or demanding. Unless you’re someone’s boss, or you’ve been invited to weigh in, you can’t really tell another grown person what to do, or not do. The same applies to what to think, feel, or believe. It’s controlling. You might get what you want in the short term, but it will come with a lot of resentment. Requests work a lot better than demands. It sounds like “you need to call your mother back today” instead of “would you be willing to call your mother today?” Same request. Very different reception.
- Telling an adult what he or she thinks. We can only speak for ourselves, and know what we alone think and feel. We cannot know that for another person, and it almost always triggers the other person when we make this assumption. It sounds like “you don’t actually care about this” or “you’re just saying that to avoid the real issue” — narrating someone else’s inner life as though you have access to it.
- Covert contracts. This is the one I know best, because it’s mine. A covert contract is an agreement you make in your own head and never actually say out loud — then hold your partner to anyway. It sounds like nothing at all, because it’s silent: doing the dishes every night for a month, waiting for it to be noticed and reciprocated, and quietly building a case against your partner when it isn’t.
I’m a classic pursuer. There’s a part of me — an adaptive child, formed long before I ever sat across from a couple in therapy — that wants every moment to feel meaningful and powerful. I love validation. I go looking for it, and when I don’t find it, I go looking harder.
For a long time, that meant criticizing my wife, quietly and not so quietly, for not giving me the feedback I was chasing. I’d do something thoughtful, or bring something up that mattered to me, and then wait — scanning her face, her tone, her timing, for the specific kind of enthusiastic acknowledgment I was hoping for. When it didn’t come in the form I wanted, I told myself I wasn’t being seen. I never actually said what I wanted, at a good time, in plain language. I just expected her to know, and held it against her when she didn’t. That’s a covert contract, textbook — terms she never agreed to, penalties she didn’t know she was risking.
What changed things wasn’t her. It was learning to sit back, let things happen, and focus on what I can do to love well, instead of what I’m getting back and grading. I also had to actually learn how she shows love, which looks almost nothing like what I was scanning for — steadier, quieter, less about the big meaningful moment and more about consistency I’d been too busy scorekeeping to notice. We argue less now. Not because the pattern disappeared entirely — I don’t think these things fully disappear — but because I catch it sooner, and I stopped holding her to a contract I never let her read.
- Retaliation or punishment. Punishing your partner through the silent treatment, insults, control, or manipulation will not heal wounds. It only makes them deeper. It sounds like going quiet for two days after a fight, not because you’re regulating, but because you want them to feel the cold.
- Withdrawal, avoidance, ignoring. Pulling back, avoiding the hard parts, or checking out completely may feel safer at first, but it makes it very hard to actually fix the problem. It sounds like “let’s just drop it,” said in a tone that means the opposite of resolution — the topic isn’t dropped, it’s buried.
These strategies rarely show up alone, and almost nobody uses just one. They tend to pair off, too. A pursuer chasing validation often ends up across from a partner who withdraws to get some room. Someone who demands and controls often meets someone who shuts down to avoid the fight altogether. One person’s unregulated venting can be the very thing that trains their partner toward retaliation or the silent treatment. You end up with two people, each convinced the other one started it, both technically right, and both still stuck.
They also show up because they used to work, somewhere, for someone — even if they’re not serving you or your marriage well now. A kid who got shamed into compliance learns that shame gets results. A kid who got the silent treatment learns that withdrawal is how you cope with conflict, or how you win it. None of that makes the strategy okay in your marriage today. But it does make it human, and worth some compassion as you look at it.
None of this is about which one of you is worse. It’s the same lesson as last time: once you can see the strategy clearly, you have something real to work with. Not more effort aimed at your partner. More clarity aimed at yourself.
Naming It Is the First Step, Not the Last
Reading this list and recognizing yourself in it is useful. It’s also not the same as changing the pattern. These strategies got wired in over years, sometimes decades, and they don’t unwind just because you can now put a name to them. Under stress, in the actual moment a hard conversation starts, most people default straight back to whatever strategy they know best — right up until they’ve had real practice doing something different.
That practice is most of what happens in couples therapy. Not lectures about communication, but an actual place to slow the moment down, catch the strategy as it starts, and try the alternative with someone in the room who can help you both see it clearly. It’s a lot easier to change a covert contract, or unregulated venting, or the instinct to withdraw, when you’re not doing it alone.
If you recognized yourself in one of these strategies, or you’re not sure which kind of conversation you’re ready for, I’d be glad to talk.
About the Author
For more than 25 years, Brian Burns has worked with adults navigating relationship crisis — couples questioning whether to stay together, parents struggling to co-parent after divorce, and individuals uncertain whether therapy can still help. Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of MN Relationship Repair in Woodbury, Minnesota, specializing in couples therapy, Discernment Counseling, Collaborative Divorce coaching, and co-parenting support.
He is especially known for helping couples on the brink of divorce navigate conflict, infidelity, emotional distance, and long-standing relationship patterns. Some arrive hoping to repair the relationship; others are uncertain whether repair is possible. Brian helps couples slow down, better understand what is happening between them, and make thoughtful, informed decisions about their future.
Brian is trained in multiple models of couples therapy and Discernment Counseling. He has served as an Approved Supervisor for the Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family Therapy for more than 20 years and has held leadership roles with the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including Board Director and Co-President.
A self-described “fan of marriage,” Brian brings both honesty and accountability to his work. He is committed to helping couples strengthen relationships whenever possible and, when separation is necessary, guiding families through the process in healthier ways — especially for children.
Brian regularly teaches therapists, attorneys, and other professionals on marriage, conflict, infidelity, co-parenting, and divorce. Outside the office, he enjoys time with his wife, following the adventures of their four adult daughters, reading, and spending time outdoors.
Brian Burns, LMFT
MN Relationship Repair
brian@mnrelationshiprepair.com | 651-505-3418
https://www.mnrelationshiprepair.com/
