2016 is well underway and many will look at the new year as a new beginning. While it’s important to have a positive outlook on the year ahead, sometimes the changing of the calendar year can create a false sense of promise. Pressure to set unrealistic goals such as being healed from your divorce this year, or that you will fall in love this year. Sometimes while going through the difficult path of grieving your divorce it may be helpful to consider that January 1
st is nothing more than the day after December 31
st. The changing of the year will bring a bit more healing and personal growth as each day passes, however it is imperative to understand that things can’t, and won’t, change overnight, which is why creating realistic expectations of the new year is essential to your healing.
All the talk about new year’s resolutions, goals, “new year, new you,” that come with the month of January can leave you feeling overwhelmed, which creating realistic expectations, even if that means lowering or having no expectations at all can be a healthier way to navigate the healing process. Setting lower expectations allows you to be gentler on yourself. Creating a sense of balance in your life can be far more important than checking something off of an overwhelming, or unrealistic, to-do list.
As you gradually adjust to your new normal, you may feel that everything in your world is now different, yourself included. You will have days of triumph, days of defeat, and plenty of temporary setbacks throughout the year ahead, but it’s crucial to remember that these temporary setbacks are just that – temporary. They happen to everyone and are a normal part of the process of healing from your divorce. It’s natural to have days where you hope and pray for everything to go back to the way things once were, but it is unrealistic to expect for that to actually happen.
As you begin to accept your new normal, it might require a new approach to life, and maybe your biggest goal for 2016 will be to learn that approach and how to navigate it. Find the joy in life, which is more important than checking something off of a list. Reconnect with old friends, find new hobbies, look for the joy in everyday, but don’t feel the pressure to have a timeline on your healing, your happiness, your life, or finding new love.
With the recent warm weather and longer days, it is beginning to feel like Spring.
Spring is a time of rejuvenation and growth. As the sun comes out and the temperatures rise, flowers blossom and buds sprout. People are out exercising and enjoying the warm weather. After a long, cold winter, as the days get longer, the community collectively is re-emerging. It is an optimistic, forward-looking time.
There are a number of similarities to Springtime and the re-emergence after a divorce. When someone initiates a divorce, it often causes the fear and negative emotions to increase. There is added anxiety in the process, knowing that you have started but not yet really resolved anything. The divorce itself may feel like winter. You may feel isolated to stuck in a lonely process. You may have a hard time appreciating the positive things in your life and instead focus on the cold, scary parts.
But once resolutions are found, it is a new beginning. Indeed, a collaborative divorce process (where both clients work together out-of-court on resolutions) can lead to meaningful resolutions that establish a great foundation for the future. Mutually acceptable resolutions and a process that supports and nurtures both spouses, can lead to a new normal. Once in place, those resolutions can feel like a whole new life. Like Spring, it can feel like the future is positive and there is potential for emotional and financial success. Relationships can feel refreshed or reinvigorated. People may have better mental health and feel good about moving forward. Like an extra bounce in your step or deeper peace — re-emerging from divorce has great possibility.
There are options when you are divorcing. The collaborative process is a truly future-focused process that supports you during the process and then sets you up for success afterwards. So, if you are contemplating divorce, know that it gets better. There is a springtime waiting for you. 
Do you need a divorce team and if so who should be on that team? If you are going through divorce or plan to do so you should think about who you want to have on your divorce team. Who you have on your team depends on the process you have chosen.
If you are headed down the traditional litigated divorce path your attorney will be your lead team member and possibly could be the only team member. Oh sure you may bring in experts of your own and when you do experts of your soon to be ex will suddenly appear.
This is unlike a 
Having friends scattered throughout the country has shown me just how drastic divorce proceedings and turnarounds can be. My friend in Baltimore, Maryland, who was married for 5 years with no kids, had no battles over property division, and her divorce still took just over 2.5 years to complete, including a mandatory year of separation before filing (this law has since changed recently for those without children). A friend in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, her divorce with one child and a business involved, took just 6 months to the date. And my good friends (haha), Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s Oklahoma divorce after four years of marriage complete with pre-nup and no kids, took just days from when they filed.
Here in Minnesota the length of time to complete a divorce depends upon several things, including custody, parenting time, child support, and division of debts and property. It can take anywhere from about 6 weeks to a year and a half or more, depending upon whether the parties are cooperating, and depending upon the issues involved. The length of a divorce also largely depends on how the case is resolved. For example, divorcing collaboratively, where both party’s attorneys agree to settle without going to trial and the underlying threat of litigation, can significantly reduce the time it take to complete the divorce for several reasons, the biggest factor being avoiding months awaiting a divorce trial.
Divorce is the time to practice patience, and to always prepare yourself for the divorce process to take longer than anticipated. Even in our instant gratification society where you can have Amazon deliver within the hour, your divorce could take months to years. No matter how long your divorce proceedings may take it is important to remember that divorce never really ends with a “victory” by either party. Both parties typically leave the marriage with substantially less material wealth than they started with prior to the divorce. Occasionally, you may hear about a spouse receiving a very large settlement or substantial alimony compensation. But more commonly, both spouses must compromise in order to reach an agreement. If there are any real “winners” in the process, it’s those who maintain positive relationships with an ex-spouse so that they are able to successfully co-parent their children. 
