Posted on
Pre-K Graduation CeremonyDivorce lawyers, when trying to urge their clients to settle their divorce case and save fees, will sometimes point out that a costly divorce is, directly or indirectly, draining the college fund for their children. This is a stark reality that, on occasion, will cause clients to pause long enough to set aside some emotional issues in order to preserve their nest egg. I have found that comparing college savings to divorce savings can be helpful in other ways as well. In working with divorcing couples for more than 30 years, I am often very impressed by the enormous sacrifices that middle class Americans will make to assure that their children get a good college education. This seems to be so embedded into the American dream that is not unusual to see parents fund their children’s college education even if it means depleting all savings or incurring great debt. In many divorce cases, the college savings are the “sacred cow”, the last thing to be impinged upon, based on shared belief that “the children come first.” For the most part, this is incredibly admirable. College education, or other post-secondary opportunities, can truly make a difference for our children and watching parents sacrifice for the greater good generally seems like a good idea. However, during a divorce, the sacrifices made for post-college education needs to be compared to other family sacrifices. Many adult children, who have gone through college, as well as their parents’ divorce, claim that getting through their parents’ divorce was the bigger challenge. More important, it is often easy to see that the way their parents handled their divorce had an even greater impact on their future lives than whether they had to take out a student loan to cover a larger portion of their college education. It is easy to see why this would be true. Yet, it is a hard realization for parents to accept when they are asked to consider “investing” in their children’s divorce in a similar light to an investment in college. For example, in most cases we recommend that parents work with a child specialist during a divorce; someone who can make sure that we are truly hearing the needs of the children and who can guide the parents in creating and implementing a parenting plan that is truly in the best interest of their children. The investment in a child specialist generally ranges between $1,000 and $2,000, a relatively small investment when you consider what is at stake. Yet, I see many really good parents who balk at this investment, even while committing tens of thousands of dollars to make sure that their children are not overburdened by student loans. I get it, in a way. A college education seems like a more tangible thing and, if you have never been through a divorce or worked with a child specialist, it may be hard to envision the benefits of a child specialist in the same way. In truth, there are times in which working with the child specialist has only a slightly advantageous effect on co-parenting.  However, there are other times when the difference is life changing. And when you carefully consider what is at stake, I can usually, without hesitation, recommend that investment, even at the risk that it could (although not necessarily) add $120 to $200 per month to little Johnny’s student loan payments.
Posted on
Collaborative Attorney Carl Arnold had the opportunity to speak with experienced Neutral Child Specialist Deborah Clemmensen. Carl Arnold asked Deborah Clemmensen about her role as a Neutral Child Specialist and the conversation was recorded. The audio and the the transcript of the interview are available below. Interview with Deborah Clemmensen about the role of a Neutral Child Specialist. Begin transcript: My name is Carl Arnold, with Arnold Law and Mediation. I’m a Minnesota family law attorney and mediator and I’m here with Deborah Clemmensen. She’s a licensed psychologist and neutral child specialist. Carl: Hi Deborah. Deborah: Hi Carl. Carl: So, we’re here to talk with Deborah today about being a neutral child specialist and her services in that regard. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about your background in working with kids. Deborah:  I’m happy to. I’ve been a licensed psychologist since the late ’70’s and I’ve worked in schools and community mental health centers…and for the last 11 years, I’ve provided neutral child specialist services to help families have a child-inclusive, respectful process to developing parenting plans when they’re going through a divorce or breakup. It’s a very satisfying type of work. Carl: Well, let’s get right to it and say what is a neutral child specialist? How do you define that and what do you do? Deborah: Good question and I’ll tell you how I explain it to new clients and sometimes to the kids that I work with. Neutral means that I never appear in court, that I have the capacity to work with people in problem solving and interest based negotiation without having to be in court or testifying or doing any of the things that are involved with the court process. Child specialist means that I have a chance to work with everyone in the family and find out the point of view of all the folks who, not elders and pets, of course, but all the points of view of children and parents to understand what would be the most developmentally appropriate resolution for parents moving forward after their divorce or breakup. Carl: What is the benefit of this service compared to other ways that a family may go through a divorce or separation process? Deborah: Well, I am just a part of the divorce. I’m the parenting plan part of a divorce, so I can help people to create a road map for how they’re going to move forward as co-parents without having to be in any sort of adversarial process. I think the neutrality is a big help. We can get right down to business and problem solve and think about the developmental needs of children in the family. I think having it be child-inclusive means that kids get some support during a very difficult time. Divorce or breakup is a crisis for a family and to be able to provide kids with an opportunity to share their point of view, someone who’s listening, and to know that that’s going to be part of problem solving that their parents will do. Their parents will hear what I’ve learned from the kids. I think it helps kids to feel a little bit safer moving forward so that strategic support is very important. And I think that having a neutral look at what are the ages and stages of the kids and what do they have to say about how this could work best for them moving forward is invaluable. I have learned a ton from the kids that I’m working with. Carl:  What would be a typical step-by-step part of the process? How does it start? When does it start? What’s the first step and so on? Deborah:  Good question. I believe that having a child specialist on board from the very beginning can be helpful because we anchor the work in the developmental needs of the kids and what’s best for the family system. I like to work with parents from the very beginning. Many parents come to me with the question of how do I talk to my children, how to we talk to our children about what’s going to be happening to our family. I love to help parents create developmentally appropriate “we” statements that they can share with the kids to start that journey. My process begins with a joint meeting with parents and it’s focused on their kids, getting developmental histories, understanding what the parents’ concerns are moving forward and from that point, it sort of branches off based on the ages and stages of the kids. If the kids are in preschool, we might have a joint family playroom meeting just so I get to know the kids, experience them firsthand and provide that kind of support. We may, at that meeting, talk about what’s happening in the family and give them some grounding. I tell parents to describe me as the helper advocate for kids. If kids are school aged and older, then I do have a structured process: two meetings, one with the siblings together and one with each child independently and we do structured activities to help keep them at the center and out of the middle, to understand how they perceive family roles and functions. What are their hopes? What are their fears? How can we best be responsive? From that point, I do a feedback with parents. At that juncture, parents can decide if they would like to continue to work with me as a neutral child specialist to develop a parenting plan, which allows them to continue to think of themselves as parents making decisions, rather than people in a custody battle. We don’t use those labels. We talk in a different language that’s more family friendly. Carl:  So when people come to you, are they in the out-of-court processes like mediation or collaborative divorce or are they in court? How would you describe to people in what way do you relate to those processes? Deborah:  That’s another really good question. I would say the majority of the work I do is with collaborative teams. Collaborative being a type of alternative dispute resolution process that’s all outside of the court but works with teams of professionals – two attorneys, a neutral coach, a neutral financial person and a neutral child specialist – to all bring our skills to a very systematic and efficient way to help parents and families through this process. Some of my cases, though, come from other routes. I’ve worked with mediators in a team to do a child inclusive process for the parenting plan and I’ve worked with non-collaborative attorneys who believe, along with their clients, that this part of the divorce or the breakup really belongs outside of court, that if it can be done in a neutral setting, that that will set the stage for more positive co-parenting moving forward. Carl:  Where can people find out more information about your services for a neutral child specialist? Deborah:  I have a website. It’s www.deborahclemmensen.com and I go through that process in some detail so parents are prepared for what to expect coming in. I also have a web page on the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota website. That’s www.collaborativelaw.org. On that website, there are lists of professionals. I’m not the only person doing neutral child specialist work, so if folks were looking for someone in a particular geographic location, that would be an excellent resource to find a neutral child specialist. Carl:  Thanks a lot, Deborah. I appreciate having this conversation. Deborah:  It’s totally been my pleasure, Carl, thank you. Carl:  This has been Deborah Clemmensen, Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child Specialist, and my name is Carl Arnold of Arnold Law and Mediation.
Posted on
choosing an attorneyI recommend you research and interview several divorce attorneys. This can help you develop and clarify some of your goals and interests and help confirm the choice of process you and your spouse want to use. It’s important to keep in mind that an attorney is only one member of what hopefully will be a team of professionals to help you on your “getting unmarried” journey. Child specialists, financial specialists specifically experienced in divorce planning, and possibly a coach should also be considered as a part of your team. My reason for suggesting these other professionals is simple. They each are experts in their respective fields. Attorneys are not really trained to be financial specialists nor are they trained to be therapists or child specialists. They are trained to be attorneys and are a much needed part of your divorce team. Divorce however, is more than a legal event. Getting unmarried is a financial, emotional, and relational event as well as a legal event. Think about it, if you were to have heart surgery would you choose a general practice physician? I doubt it. Getting unmarried is like having open-heart surgery on your life’s finances, your children and multiple relationships. You will, in my opinion, be better served by having a team of experts in their respective fields assisting you and your spouse on this journey. Now back to choosing an attorney. You want someone who supports you and the type of process you and your spouse want to use. You will both want someone who listens to you, someone who doesn’t necessarily tell you what you want to hear but rather someone who has the wherewithal and will honestly be a realistic advocate. If an attorney promises you specific outcomes in your divorce, I would encourage you to run the other way; don’t walk. A good divorce attorney knows there is no certainty of outcomes in the divorce arena. You want a problem solver not a problem maker. There are plenty of good problem solver types of attorneys around. Unfortunately, as in any profession, there are some problem makers as well. How do you find the problem solvers? In today’s wired world you can Google the attorneys name, check out their website, LinkedIn profile and Facebook pages. You can do all this before ever picking up the phone. If you do thorough research and interview several attorneys you should be able to distinguish between the problem solvers and problem makers. You may want to consider making an initial phone call to an attorney before scheduling an interview session. This can tell you how quickly they return calls and how connected you might feel towards them from your initial phone conversation. It will also save you and the attorney time if you decide not to set up a face-to-face interview after the phone call. When interviewing attorneys, ask how they will communicate with you. Some clients think their attorney and other professionals should be available for them around the clock.  Remember you are not their only client and they have a personal life and schedule as you do. Ask them if they will be communicating directly with you or will their assistant or paralegal. Ask them what you should expect in terms of them replying to your phone calls and/or emails. It’s better for both you and the attorney to have clear expectations up front to avoid disappointment later on. Traditionally, I believe most individuals begin the process of getting unmarried through contact with an attorney. Part of the reason for this is our culture including media has conditioned us to first approach divorce through the legal channel. While I certainly would not discourage anyone from beginning the divorce process through the legal avenue, there are other approaches. It may be through a marital counselor, therapist, financial professional, divorce coach or some other channel. While the majority of divorce cases still begin with attorneys on board, it is not unusual for a couple to begin the process with a child specialist, financial specialist, or divorce coach, brining the attorneys on board at a later time. This approach is dependent upon the comfort level of each spouse, their priorities, needs, and concerns. The point is the divorce process can begin in a number of avenues and does not necessarily have to always begin with the attorney. In my next and final post in this series I will offer some questions for you to consider when interviewing an attorney.
Posted on
The Future is BrightPart 6: Selecting the right team for your family may be essential to the success of your Collaborative Divorce. Collaborative Divorce is often a team process, in which you work with mental health professionals and financial neutrals, as well as with attorneys, to help you achieve the best outcome for your family. One of the keys to your success is selecting a team that can best meet the unique needs of your family. Some divorcing couples and professionals prefer the standardized process in which the full team is assembled at the beginning of the case. In Minnesota, a full team generally consists of two attorneys, (one for each party); a child specialist (if there are minor children); a financial neutral and a divorce coach. The advantage of assembling a full team (often described as the “Cadillac” of the Collaborative Divorce Process) at the very beginning is that you know that you have all of the necessary professionals on board, so that all of your family needs can be immediately addressed. While you may be concerned about keeping your professional costs down, the full team process, if used efficiently, will not necessarily be more expensive. Working with the right professionals at the right time may actually reduce the conflict and, therefore, your overall costs. Perhaps more importantly, even if it does cost you a little more, getting a better outcome for your family may have incalculable benefits and may save you financial and emotional costs down the road. Other families and professionals prefer what I will call the “customized team” model. In this model you and your spouse work together to decide exactly which team members you need to help address the unique needs of your family. This option allows you to put your dollars where they are most needed.  For example, if you believe that you and your spouse need the most help in creating a parenting plan, you may wish to spend more of your money working with a child specialist. Similarly, if your difficulties lie primarily with finances or communication, you may wish to spend more time with a financial neutral or a divorce coach. To learn more about the role of each professional and to get assistance in selecting the right team of professionals for your family, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.ousky.com .
Posted on
The Future is BrightPart 5:  Working with a team of professionals in Collaborative Divorce creates better outcomes. A Collaborative Divorce is one in which the husband and the wife each retain a lawyer for settlement purposes only. In addition, in a Collaborative Divorce, the other professionals on the team, must commit to work or settlement purposes as well. Divorce marks the end of a martial relationship and the beginning of a new life. While divorce is a legal proceeding, future success for your family may have more to do with parenting, financial planning and communication than with legal issues. While lawyers can be helpful on these additional  issues, your family can generally get better assistance, at a lower cost, by turning to professionals with more skills in these other areas. If your primary concern is how to co-parent your children in divorce, you are far more likely to gain valuable insights on how to do this by having your family work with a child specialist with the education and training in child development rather than law. If you are concerned about how to meet your expenses in both households, you are likely to get more initial benefit from working with a financial professional than with an attorney.  Similarly, if your primary concern relates to difficulties in communicating with your spouse, you may want to work with a divorce coach who has the skills and training to help you focus on these important areas. The Collaborative Divorce process is often a team process in which you work with a team of professionals rather than just with attorneys. You may initially be apprehensive about working with a team of professionals believing that it will increase your cost. However, if you plan your process carefully, working with other professionals can reduce your cost and help you create a better outcome. Generally, the work done by the financial professionals and the mental health professionals replaces much of the work done by the attorneys, allowing you to get more skilled help, generally, at a lower hourly rate. One of the keys to success in working with a team is to make sure that you get the level of professional help that best meets the needs of your unique family. Options in working with your Collaborative Divorce Team will be discussed in an upcoming blog. However, if you want information on this now, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and www.ousky.com. You can read the final part of this series, here.
Posted on
A recent article in the New York Times suggests that big-money divorces provide lessons for less-wealthy couples. Regardless of a couple’s income or net worth, several questions are common to most marriage dissolutions, including:
  • How can we create a parenting plan that will benefit our children?
  • How can we divide our assets fairly?
  • How can we maintain control of divorce costs?
The Collaborative divorce process uses a team model to provide the information and support necessary to allow couples to reach mutually satisfactory answers to these questions. As the New York Times article points out, Collaborative divorce “focuses on getting to a quick, fair resolution.” A thoughtful parenting plan consists of more than a schedule of overnights. A Collaborative child specialist can help parents craft a plan that addresses the individual and developmental needs of their children. Discussions often include such issues as the schools the children will attend, future relationships with extended family, introduction of significant others, and future moves by either parent. Sometimes parents can reach agreements regarding possible future events, but often it is sufficient to agree on a process for resolving future differences of opinion. Either way, including such agreements in the parenting plan can provide a framework for the years ahead. Similarly, achieving a fair division of assets can be challenging. A Collaborative financial professional can assist with collection of documentation, valuation of assets, and tax considerations. Once both parties understand the relevant information, they generate and evaluate various settlement options to determine the best arrangement for their family. While keeping the costs of divorce as reasonable as possible is a worthy goal, conflict is expensive. In litigation, each spouse hires their own experts, often resulting in extreme positions, elevated emotions, and a sluggish process. Collaboratively trained neutral professionals, whose fees are shared by the parties, provide more expertise at a lower cost. Their neutrality also reduces the likelihood of impasse due to either spouse’s unrealistic expectations. If you are interested in learning more about the Collaborative process, please visit the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota website for more information.
Posted on
3 Myths

Having consulted with hundreds of clients over the years, I have learned that there are many popular misconceptions about divorce. Acting on misinformation can result in long-term, unintended consequences for your family. I’ll address three such myths here:

Myth #1: “Serving papers on my spouse will give me a strategic advantage.” Contrary to popular belief, the serving of divorce papers has a very limited effect upon the legal proceeding itself. Doing so can, however, have a profound impact upon the tone of the negotiations to follow. In the Collaborative divorce process, we always use a joint petition, which is signed by both parties and their attorneys at the first joint meeting. Starting the process in this way reflects the parties’ mutual respect for one another and allows them to maintain control over the pace and content of settlement discussions. Myth #2: “Our kids have no idea we’re going to divorce.” As adults we often underestimate the wisdom of children. Even very young children pick up on body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. They notice how mom and dad talk (or don’t talk) to each other. They have friends at school whose parents are divorced. Working with a child specialist to create a “we statement” is a thoughtful way to jointly inform your kids that you have decided to become unmarried. But don’t be surprised if they already have suspicions. Myth #3: “The sooner the divorce can be final, the better.” While no one wants to linger in the throes of divorce longer than necessary, moving too quickly can be dangerous. It may take some time for one spouse to “catch up” emotionally in order to meaningfully participate in settlement discussions. Creating a parenting plan focused on the children’s needs often requires some trial and error. It’s impossible to know whether a particular schedule will work until you’ve lived it, at least for a while. Financial decisions made in divorce have long-term consequences for the entire family and should not be finalized until thoughtful evaluation of all options has taken place. The best way to get accurate information about divorce process options is to consult with an experienced family law attorney. Feel free to contact me if you’d like to know more.
Posted on
I recently viewed a TED video about the impact of divorce on children. Professor Tamara Afifi, a professor at the University of California Santa Barbara, presented the results of her research. Here are some of her findings: CONFLICT BETWEEN PARENTS, NOT DIVORCE, HARMS KIDS Conflict between parents during marriage can be more harmful to children than a divorce. The differences between children of divorced parents and parents who are still married are not that great. What makes a difference is whether the conflict between parents continues, whether they are divorced or still married. Children are hurt most by parents in conflict. DIFFERENCES IN DECADES The impact on children of divorce in the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s has been different. In the 1970’s, there was a higher impact on children, which she attributes to the fact that divorces then were the result of bad marriages and more conflict. In the 1980’s, the impact was lower because people were divorcing for reasons having more to do with personal growth and self actualization. There may have been less conflict and better communication. In the 1990’s, the impact has been higher which she suggests was due to the closer relationship children had with their parents, communicating daily, and more involved in each other’s lives. Children became more involved in the divorce because they were generally more involved in their parents’ lives. NEED BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR CHILDREN There is a danger with this closer, more involved relationship between parents and their children. Children should not be burdened with their parents’ hurt or anger at the other parent or put into the role of messenger. One child described her mother as her “best friend” who asked her daughter for advice about an affair. Kids shouldn’t have to deal with this. A child shouldn’t be asked to “remind your mom” or asked “why doesn’t your dad tell me” about something. This puts them in the middle of the conflict or forces them to align with one parent. Establish boundaries about what is the adult conversation and what is the conversation with children about the divorce. AVOID HURTING YOUR CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE What can divorcing parents do to lessen the impact on their children? Work together on a co-parenting plan which redefines your roles following the divorce, work with a child specialist to establish the boundaries between adult and child issues in the divorce, improve your communication with each other, defuse emotions, and refuse to engage in bad mouthing the other parent. In the collaborative divorce process, child specialists and coaches can help you in all of these areas.
Posted on
If you are going through or thinking about starting a Collaborative Divorce, you might wonder why you need a Child Specialist.  After all, if you and your spouse agree on custody and parenting time (previously called “visitation”), why spend money on a Child Specialist?  As a Collaborative Attorney and Mediator, I enjoy helping parents with the parenting piece; however, I am not an expert in child development, and I don’t meet with the children.  Furthermore, I don’t want parents to come up with just any old plan – my wish for them is to succeed in their post-divorce co-parenting relationship and raise happy, healthy kids. A Child Specialist helps you and your spouse create not only the day-to-day and holiday/vacation schedule, but helps you identify your goals and values as parents, so you can create a custom-made plan specifically addressing the unique needs of your children.  As parents in a fast-paced world, we need to determine the appropriate age for our kids to have a cell phone.  We need to think about how much screen time per day is healthy.  Is texting at the dinner table OK (not!)?  These are issues parents need to deal with at some point, but parents residing separately really need to be on the same page.  Child Specialists can assist with these decisions.  Clients often tell me how glad they are they hired a Child Specialist, because they are more in-tune with their children, and are therefore, better parents. Child Specialists are valuable members of the Collaborative Team and are wonderful resources for parents.  Believe me, I know this personally because I consult with them when I have questions about my own kiddo!  Although you know your children the best (their funny little quirks, favorite color, best friend’s name, and so forth) Child Specialists know what makes children tick from a developmental perspective; thus, they are treasure troves of information.  Why not tap into that?  Think of it this way: would you rather spend the money on an expert who can guide you now to the land of great co-parenting or spend two, maybe three times or more on therapy for your kids later, because you and your spouse did the bare minimum to just get through the divorce (understandable – it’s a painful ordeal).  Consistency in parenting, as well as respecting and understanding your different parenting styles and personalities, can be the difference between a “so-so” parenting plan and a “so-good” parenting plan.  It’s easy to spend time and money on gadgets, toys, clothes, and activities for kids, so consider taking the time and money to invest in utilizing a Child Specialist to craft a parenting plan that will help you and your spouse co-parent effectively post-divorce.  I bet you’ll be glad you did!
Posted on
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net When it comes to co-parenting after divorce, the best parenting plan is the one you never have to use. Creating the parenting plan is perhaps the most important part of your collaborative divorce process. But if you put the time and energy into creating a complete plan, you will lay the foundation for good communication and have the flexibility to work with your former spouse as your children’s needs change in the future. The habits of good co-parenting will be ingrained and will be second nature. Minnesota law permits parents to avoid the labels of legal and physical custody if they have a parenting plan that spells out the important aspects of parenting. In collaborative divorce, parents frequently choose to use a child specialist who can help them develop a thoughtful parenting plan that is tailored to their family. Parenting plans typically include:
  • the schedule of how the children will divide their time between the parents;
  • how the parents will communicate about their children;
  • how the parents will make important decisions related to their children, such as schools, activities, and religion;
  • how the parents will handle child care and medical care;
  • how the parents will handle contact with the extended family;
  • how the parents will introduce the children to new partners.
When you invest in having the discussions necessary to reach agreement on these topics, you create a comprehensive written plan.  But what’s even more valuable, you have experienced communicating as co-parents —  working through disagreements, reaching an understanding about how to approach the ever-changing future landscape of parenting.  The more you practice these skills, the better you become. As your children grow up, you will have the solid foundation of communication and the flexibility to adapt to your children’s changing needs.  You won’t need to pull out the document to look up how you are going to handle co-parenting.