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Child Inclusive Mediation is a process that allows children to have a voice in the divorce process.  In Child Inclusive Mediation, divorcing parents and their attorneys bring in two professionals, one an experienced mediator, and the other a trained mental health professional that has experience working with children.  That mental health professional will meet with the child or children of the divorcing parents, separately and one-on-one with the child, and outside of the mediation process.  That mental health professional then attends the mediation, along with the mediator, divorcing parents, and parents’ attorneys.  At the mediation, the mental health professional shares what he or she learned from speaking with the children about how they are navigating the divorce, the good things they experience at each parent’s house, the concerns they have at each parent’s house, and their hopes and desires for what the best schedule looks like to them.  The parties and the mediator, along with their attorneys, then mediate to seek a resolution that is in their child’s or children’s best interests, based on the information shared from the mental health professional.

While children do not make decisions about a parenting plan, rather parents do, a child’s voice can have strong weight as to what schedule will be implemented by parents.  Often parents are not aware of their own child’s wishes or desires, either because the parent hasn’t heard the child express them, or because the child is afraid to express them out of fear of hurting a parent.  The Child Inclusive Mediation can be a safe place for the child to share his or her feelings, without having to confront a parent or tell a parent directly.

Often parents ask, “well when can my child have a voice?” or “how old does my child have to be before he or she gets a say in parenting time?”.  Minnesota Statutes do not provide a bright line strict age for when children get a say in parenting time, but there is a general consensus that once a child reaches teenage years (13), that child is generally of sufficient age to express a preference.  Expression of a preference does not equate to that is what will be implemented by parents or the Court, but it can be a strong guiding hand.  And certainly the older a child gets, and the closer they are to emancipation (16/17), the stronger that voice will be heard.

In the Collaborative Law practice, the parents make a commitment to stay out of Court.  By engaging in Child Inclusive Mediation in the Collaborative Law practice, the parents are making a commitment to stay out of court and to allow their teenage child or children to have a voice in how their daily life looks, given their age.  Child Inclusive Mediation provides a safe place for children’s voices to be heard, without parents questioning or confronting their child or children.  Parents can then use that information to come up with a parenting time schedule and parenting plan that can put their child or children on the best path to success as a young adult, through emancipation, and beyond into adulthood.

Reach out to a Collaborative Law attorney for a consultation to begin your journey in the Collaborative Law practice and inquire about child inclusive mediation.

About the Author

Laura Schultz was admitted to practice law in the State of Minnesota in 2006 and has been practicing family law for 20 years.  After clerking for a Judge in the Hennepin County District Court for three years from 2006 to 2009, she joined Tuttle Bergeson, P.A. in 2009 as an associate attorney practicing in the areas of family law and estate planning.  After working as an associate at the firm for five years, Laura went into solo practice in 2014, forming the Laura L. Schultz Law Office.

Laura is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Minnesota State Bar Association, and the ARAG network of attorneys. Laura is also a member of Bloomington Rotary, Edina Federated Women’s Club, and the Edina Chamber of Commerce.

Laura’s primary focus of practice is family law.  Laura believes that amicable resolution of issues is often possible, with the client being empowered to make decisions.  In the event that litigation is necessary, Laura is an experienced litigator that has tried many cases to successful resolution.  However, families that engage in the Collaborative Law Practice predict to have children that have healthier lifestyles and less mental health issues later in life.

Every case is required to go through a type of alternative dispute resolution.  Laura is a Rule 114 Qualified Neutral, meaning she is qualified to perform Mediation and Early Neutral Evaluation of family law matters.  Laura is also a Parenting Consultant and Parenting Time Expeditor, helping families resolve their disputes after their divorce or separation as co-parents.

Laura Schultz, Esq.
Attorney
Laura L. Schultz Law Office
Laura@LauraSchultzLaw.com | (763) 333-2525
www.lauraschultzlaw.com

 

 

 

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“I’m just really, really scared all the time.”  A nine-year-old shared this during her child-inclusive post-divorce mediation.   This was not because her parents were often in disagreement and she sometimes felt in the middle of it (she did), but because of where each parent lived and worked in the city of Minneapolis, where she also goes to school.

Proximity to what she and most children in Minneapolis have been forced to process during the heightened federal immigration enforcement—the deaths of a mom and a nurse in the daytime on the city streets by armed, masked men, and the disappearance of family members, classmates and friends—has been deeply traumatizing.  Frightening events like this also are occurring in other cities, and in other parts of the world.

In Collaborative practice with families, we prioritize the safety and well-being of children.  It is about creating a process that is respectful and honors the dignity and humanity of all participants. It is about listening, understanding, empathizing and ultimately problem solving.   These are the strengths of a process that seeks to mitigate the harm of adversarial energy, and any urge for retribution or vengeance.

But what do we do as Collaborative professionals when the outside world is mirroring the exact opposite?  When what is fracturing families and terrifying children goes beyond divorce?  How can we help families and children who are experiencing separation and divorce in the midst of traumatizing circumstances from which we cannot shield them?

What I believe is that now, more than ever, we need to exemplify our core values.   Respect.  Honesty.  Transparency.  Empathy.  Compassion.   Fairness.  Human decency.

We need to put into practice our highest skills.  Being present.  Listening without judgment.  Asking clarifying questions.  Reframing without invalidating.  Modeling the ability to compromise.  Holding open a safe space to process painful emotions.  Offering support and guidance.   Refraining from disrespecting the “other side.”  Maintaining a focus on what children need to be resilient and thrive, and not on winning.

When my young client curled up on the couch and expressed her fear, I needed to be present for her.  I needed to respect her, really see her, accept her reality and not try to minimize or deflect.  I didn’t have answers.  But I knew she needed hope.  So I reminded her of the story of the Grinch, who was very mean and spiteful because his heart was too small.  He tried to trick, intimidate and punish all the Whos in Whoville who were different from him.  But when the Whos turned to each other for support and song, the power of their loving community was unshakeable.  Ultimately this power stopped, and then changed, the Grinch.  I told her I knew she was loved, and she smiled.

She then asked if I would tell her parents to please not argue so much, and I told her I would most certainly do that.

Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.

Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com

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According to the authors of Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change (Joseph Grenny et al, 2013), there are 6 sources of influence: personal motivation, personal ability, social motivation, social ability, structural motivation, and structural ability.

I will explore these sources of influence as they relate to vital behaviors for co-parenting with less stress and more peace.

  1. Personal Motivation – Why does someone want to do something? Does it make them feel better? Many people experience overwhelming stress in high conflict co-parenting. This kind of chronic stress impacts health, work, and relationships. It definitely feels better to have less stress in one’s life!
  2. Personal Ability – Can they do it? Do they have to the skills? Communication and conflict resolution skills taught in our monthly co-parenting webinars can make communication less triggering between parents and provide new ways to successfully defuse conflict. We encourage parents to focus on working together to raise whole, healthy, happy children. Being in one’s own integrity with regard to respecting the child’s other parent and honoring one’s word to respect the parenting time schedule (which includes being proactive to communicate when a commitment can’t be met – running late at a meeting at work, or weather / or traffic interfere) helps parenting time transitions go more smoothly.
  3. Social Motivation – What are your peers doing? Are they fighting with their children’s other parent or are they getting along? In many northern European countries, it is the cultural norm that parents share parenting after separation or divorce. There is also a higher percentage of people having children who were never married. Though if they split up, they still commit to raising their children together.
  4. Social Ability is the way we enable these vital behaviors. In the area of co-parenting, this is where peer to peer groups can be so valuable. When people see other parents successfully navigating daily co-parenting, they are motivated to do what these others are doing. Children do not want to be caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict. That actually feels terrible for children. Some get aggressive and bully others because they themselves are hurting. Some become withdrawn and drop out of activities they used to enjoy with friends. Others turn their hurt inward and get into cutting, or experience eating disorders. It’s important that court-ordered therapy to address the child’s situation also include the parents so that family dynamics can be addressed and tools provided to the parents to improve communication and resolve conflicts.
  5. Structural Motivation – CLI is working to share collaborative practices across Minnesota so that more families can benefit from having less costly, less difficult separations. Collaborative services are available in all areas to support families – family law, mediation, finance, therapy, and on-going support through parent coaching to enable Dads & Moms to co-parent with less stress and more peace. This collaborative approach reduces post-divorce conflict.
  6. Structural Ability – Do you have the tools to SUCCEED with co-parenting?a. First and foremost, sign a Commitment to Co-parenting at the time of separation/divorce. As parents, it’s in your hands – you and the other parent of your children – to move beyond the bitterness of your separation or divorce and find the courage to mutually support your children in maintaining healthy, loving relationships with BOTH parents and the children’s entire extended family.

Here’s some sample language you can use:
Commitment to Care – I am committed to the long-term well-being of our children. I understand that continued conflict with my ex-spouse/partner is destructive. I will agree to reasonable boundaries and interact with our children’s other parent in a respectful business-like manner so that we can BOTH continue to love our children and remain actively involved in their lives. While our intimate, romantic relationship has ended, co-parenting is forever.

If there isn’t a commitment by both parents, what’s getting in the way? Recognize mental health issues, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Provide treatment and support during recovery.

Otherwise look at social motivation – What are your peers doing? It’s time to create a NEW cultural norm of Shared Parenting! The best way to have the court order Shared Parenting is to have been sharing parenting all along since the day the children were born.

b. Another vital behavior for successful co-parenting is that information is shared. BOTH parents receive communications about schedules, appointments, practices, and events from schools, doctors, therapists, youth directors, and sports coaches. Know a provider or organization that isn’t set up to easily share information with both parents? Let CLI know if you would like to participate in our outreach across Minnesota.

Peaceful co-parenting is possible and our kids are worth it!

 

Adina Lebowitz, MA is a family mediator, parenting educator, and wellness coach. Her primary goal is to help families find less stress and more peace in their co-parenting. She supports parents as they are adjusting to a new separation or divorce, and continues to support them as co-parents whether they are facing day to day parenting challenges, or dealing with the impacts of stress on their lives. She is available to mediate bigger issues that impact their parenting plans like a move, job change, new relationship, or a child’s health challenge.

EHTC Family Mediation | Elan Health Twin Cities LLC
Phone: 612-499-8418
Email: adina@elanhealthtc.org
Website: https://www.elanhealthtc.org/mediation
Facebook: Co-parenting with Less Stress and More Peace https://www.facebook.com/groups/coparentingmorepeace

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When the Co-Parenting Issue is Safety

Safety is close to the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  It is core to children’s ability to become resilient.  It can also be a very difficult topic to address during a divorce.  Here’s how the issue can arise during a discussion of parenting time arrangements:

Parent A:   You want equal parenting time, but I’m worried sick about you being able to take care of the kids, especially at night and also after your softball games when you’d be driving them home after partying with your team.

Parent B:  What are you talking about?

Parent A:  Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean.   It’s how much you drink.  You drink every night.  I find you passed out in the chair in front of the TV half the time.

Parent B:  I knew you’d pull this.  Have I had a DWI?  Lost my job?  No!  It’s you who has the problem, not me.  Quit comparing me to your alcoholic dad.  I think you just want the kids more to get more child support.

Parent A:  This has nothing to do with child support, and you know it.  Besides, you did get a DWI.

Parent B:  If you’re gonna go back 15 years, then let’s talk about the time you passed out at your best friend’s wedding reception.

Parent A:  Yeah, one time.  And I basically quit drinking after that. 

Parent B:  Right, and now you have a panic attack any time I want a beer.  Quit trying to control me.

Sound a bit familiar?  Sound a bit challenging?  Sound like the children in this family could easily find themselves in the middle of escalating parental conflict, if they aren’t already?

Substance abuse or misuse is best understood as a systemic issue in a family because it impacts everyone.  And each family member has his or her story about it.  Denial, minimalization and sometimes projection are very likely to be part of one parent’s story, especially if they are dealing with the disease of chemical dependency.  Anxiety, frustration and co-dependence are very likely to be woven into the other side of the story.   Each parent is likely to show anger, because anger is hardwired and is a protective response to vulnerability.

In addition, each parent is likely experiencing fear.  The parent identified as having a problem may be fearful of consequences like losing access to their kids, or even their parental rights.  The parent raising the issue is fearful of something bad happening to the kids that might have been prevented by speaking out and setting firm boundaries.

And what are the children’s stories?  Might a skilled child-inclusive process be helpful?

As a neutral child and family specialist, I believe that a family law response to situations like this must have a laser- focus on what the children in the family need and deserve:  the best safe relationship they can have with both parents.   As a neutral, it is imperative to stay in a place of empathy and also be willing to calmly ask hard questions and to name the issues that arise, not with judgment but with clarity.

If a neutral professional has earned the trust of both parents, it is possible to engage with them in a voluntary process of creating a Confidential Safety Plan that is:

    1. designed to preserve parent-child attachment as much as possible; and
    2. identifies mutually agreed-upon “trust but verify” safety strategies, and
    3. specifies clear consequences and steps to be taken if a parent will not or is not able to honor their commitment to safety during parenting time as identified in the Safety Plan.

Because divorce decrees and Parenting Plans are online public documents, and given the sensitivity of issues addressed in a Safety Plan, it is important that the Safety Plan be filed with other confidential divorce documents where it can be accessed as needed, but will not be available to the public.

As with all out-of-court dispute resolution, the *Confidential Voluntary Safety Plan is not an appropriate option for all families, particularly if coercive control, domestic violence or child abuse are part of a family’s dynamic.  But for those parents generally able to engage in good faith negotiation, this option can be a safe way for them to address a difficult issue with dignity, clarity and respect.

About the Author
Deborah Clemmensen has devoted her professional life to the well-being of children and families.

She is a licensed psychologist with decades of experience as a psychologist working with children, adolescents, families and adults.  She been a Neutral Child and Family Specialist in family law for twenty-three years, participating in Collaborative Practice teams, traditional divorce processes and child-inclusive mediation, helping parents create Parenting Plans, We Statements and Confidential Collaborative Safety Plans.

Deborah has extensive experience as a consultant and trainer on child mental health issues and Collaborative Practice and has done research and published articles on a variety of topics.

Deborah has twice been co-President of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota.  She has served two terms on the CLI Board.  She continues to participate on several committees of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including the Training Committee and is currently a member of the Hague Convention Task Force of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals.

As a Collaborative professional, Deborah coined the phrase, “keeping children at the center and out of the middle.”  This principle guides her work with families in Collaborative Practice and family law.

Contact:
Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq., Licensed Psychologist, Neutral Child and Family Specialist
deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
www.deborahclemmensen.com

*Deb Clemmensen will be presenting “Confidential Voluntary Safety Plans” on November 9, 2023 from 9 AM – 11AM at the Neighborhood House at Wellstone Center | 179 Robie Street East, St. Paul, MN 55107 Hosted by the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. Details and Registration https://collaborativelaw.org/events/

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I hope that young children were not still up and watching the *Academy Awards broadcast when Will Smith got out of his seat, walked up the concourse, and forcefully slapped Chris Rock for making a poor joke at the expense of his wife Jada Pinkett Smith.  But even if children didn’t watch it live, they are likely still being exposed to the ongoing coverage and analysis of this startling event on social media and mainstream media.  Disagreement abounds over which man was most in the wrong.  Some posters and oped writers try to justify each man’s actions.  There have been thoughtful critiques about toxic masculinity in our culture, and how it inevitably leads to violence of one kind or another.

Many believe Chris Rock was bullying Jada Pinkett Smith by publicly mocking her bald head, especially given her alopecia.  Some respond that comedians insulting celebrities at “star-studded events” and roasts has become something of the norm and is to be expected.  Some say Will Smith’s retaliation was also bullying behavior, since Smith was trained to box like a professional for the film Ali and is much bigger and stronger than Rock.  But others respond that his response was justified to “protect” his wife. (I confess, I thought Pinkett Smith’s grimace of disgust and exaggerated eye roll at the weak joke was a pretty potent response in and of itself).

What does this whole event model for our children, who emulate adult behavior?  Is mocking others, especially for things they can’t control, ever justified?  Does saying “Just kidding!” after a cruel remark make it okay?  Should bystanders go along by joining the mocking laughter, or do they have a responsibility to call out bullying behavior?

Is lashing out aggressively after a perceived put-down ever justified?  Does being “in the heat of the moment and not thinking clearly” make an impulsive violent response, okay?  Should bystanders go along by saying nothing, or do they have a responsibility to call out violent behavior?

What does this event say about how women and girls should expect to be treated?  In the Me Too era, a time when native women have disappeared in shocking numbers, when human trafficking and domestic violence are still huge social problems, we know that women do need the strong protection of laws and social norms.  Is this kind of protection the same or different than what happened at the Oscars?

If you haven’t already, I encourage you to watch the documentary “When We Were Bullies.”  This film was also featured briefly at the Academy Awards as a nominee for best short documentary.  Ellen Bruno, the creator of the masterful film Split about the children of divorce was a creative consultant for this film, which is extremely well done.  It focuses on a 5th grade bullying incident and the lingering effects, 50 years later, on those who participated.  Like this essay, it raises important questions and examines context and perspective, but does not aim for simplistic resolutions.

As parents and adults who care about children, we need to have open conversations with them, and ask curious questions about bullying behavior vs. respectful behavior and the difference between control and power.  We need to ask ourselves what it really means to create safety for others, and what responsibility we all share when safety is violated.  And we need to always be aware that the most powerful tool in the adult toolkit is modeling the behavior we want our children to emulate and taking responsibility rather than blaming others for any time we (as humans) fall off the high road.

*Since this article was written, Will Smith has apologized publicly for his inexcusable behavior at the Academy Awards ceremony.  He has been banned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the Awards ceremony for 10 years.

Author: Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. is a Neutral Child and Family Specialist in
Collaborative Practice and Family Law
deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com

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It may be tempting to save money in a divorce by drafting a decree with your spouse, or by completing a form decree. This is especially true if it appears that you and your spouse are in accord on all issues. But be warned: unintended consequences can arise months or years after your decree has been filed and entered by the Court.

Once your decree has been filed by the Court and entered by Court Administration, your decree becomes the legal guide for everything related to your divorce: custody and parenting time, support, property and debt division.  On the surface, these issues can seem simple and many couples attempt drafting their own dissolution paperwork without counsel in an effort to save on the investment of lawyers and other professionals.  While it is true that parties are often in the best position to make decisions about what their families need, attorneys are uniquely trained (and perhaps some are even naturally suited) to imagining something their clients may not be inclined to consider: the worst-case scenario.

The worst-case scenario is and should be an ever-present consideration for attorneys as they counsel their clients regarding important decisions that will have long-term impacts on parenting and financial issues. An attorney may be a glass-is-half-full type of person, but he or she has been trained to imagine what could go wrong five years out from a divorce or custody determination.  The worst-case scenario may not be an enjoyable rumination, but it is critically important in drafting strong contracts.

Take Couple A, for example.  Couple A was married for 12 years.  They have an eight-year-old child and they own a home, which they purchased together during the marriage.  Couple A decide to divorce in November and to sell the home in the spring when the housing market is stronger.  They agree to share the closing costs and to equally divide the sale proceeds.  They also decide that they will have equal parenting time, but they do not create a specific parenting time schedule.  Couple A feels pretty good about the progress they are making, and they should feel great – many couples are not able to have fruitful conversations about parenting and property issues in the context of a separation.  Couple A signs and files their divorce decree, which awards the home to Wife, pending the sale of the house.  Husband has purchased a townhome a few miles away.  Couple A is glad to have the divorce behind them so they can focus on their child and on moving forward with life.

What could go wrong?

Let’s check back in with Couple A one year after their decree is entered.  It is late fall and the marital home is still unsold. At the time the divorce was finalized, the realtor recommended repairs that required time and money and the parties were not able to agree on a listing price.  Some offers were made, but the parties felt that the property should sell for more.  Wife has been paying the mortgage for the past year, and the parties have now just received a solid offer.  Wife wants to be credited for reducing the mortgage principal during the year she made mortgage payments and is asking for additional sale proceeds.  Husband does not agree –  he has done some of the repair work on the home and has paid for lawn maintenance.  The decree is silent on principal reduction, and he believes the net equity should be divided equally, as worded in the decree.

In addition, Wife has put in an offer on a home twenty miles away from Husband’s new home.  Wife wants the now 9-year-old to attend school near her new home, in a different school district.  Even though the parties agreed on equal parenting time, Husband has been picking up overtime at work to help offset some of his expenses, so Wife has had significantly more overnight parenting time over the course of the last year.  Wife has hired a lawyer and is threatening to take Husband to court to address school choice, parenting time, and the division of equity from the sale of the marital home.

If Couple A had attorneys, even to simply review their draft decree, they could have included some provisions to address these foreseeable events.  As a family law attorney, I have encountered many “Couple As,” who, with the best intentions, endeavored to divorce without counsel because they believed it would save them time and money.  However, in many instances, these couples overlook important details and pitfalls that a family law attorney will mitigate by including provisions that anticipate change and communication breakdowns.  In the end, these couples have unnecessarily spent significant amounts of money to resolve issues that could have been avoided by addressing them properly at the time of divorce.

If Couple A had engaged in the Collaborative Divorce process and retained collaborative attorneys committed to working only out of court, they would have had conversations focused on problem solving the issues that they later encountered up front. While many divorcing couples can and should make efforts to reach agreements on their own, attorneys offer unique perspective and experience when counseling clients on important agreements.  If you are considering a divorce or have questions about whether the Collaborative Divorce process is right for you (there are many wonderful blog posts on the CLI site explaining why it probably is), contact CLI or browse through the online listing of collaborative attorneys (Find a professional) – most of us offer free initial consultations and love the collaborative work we do.

About the Author:
Rebecca Randen is a family law practitioner and partner at the firm Randen, Chakirov & Grotkin LLC.  She practices collaborative and traditional family law in the metro and greater Minnesota.  She is a lifelong Beatles fan.
www.rcglawoffice.com

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Children begin their lives constantly observing and emulating our use of language. A baby watches, listens and models her mother’s face saying “Ohhhh,” moving her own lips to form the shape of that sound. A toddler in his car seat repeats the word his parent blurted out when cut off suddenly in traffic, usually to the great chagrin of the parent. My 5-year-old granddaughter cocks her head seriously and says, “Well, actually, the most interesting thing is…..” just the way her mom does.

Knowing they are listening, seeking to understand, and emulating how we talk, adults must be mindful of what we say and how we say it in the presence of children. This may be especially important during the life crisis of a divorce, when children are already feeling vulnerable and anxious. Similar to being cut off suddenly in traffic, negative emotions during a divorce can quickly heighten, along with the risk of blurting out words one will later regret. When under stress, the guard rails filtering words can become wobbly or fall off altogether.

It’s not just angry, sarcastic, insulting words that children internalize, it is also the meaning of those words in the context of relationships. Children are deeply hurt and frightened when parents fight with each other, and not infrequently, will beg them to stop. What does it mean to them that the two most important adults in their lives are attacking each other this way?

We live in an era when disrespect, insulting and belittling words and verbal abuse are regularly tweeted out in all caps. Sadly, this has the effect of normalizing unfiltered language. This is hard enough to manage as an adult but giving vent to verbal rage will never be anything but damaging to a child. So, what can parents do if they feel triggered? They need to slow it down.

Two simple techniques to help create more mental and emotional space under stress are:

  1. Mindful breathing: taking at least four deep, slow belly breaths before responding; and
  2. Softening your eyes: focusing on relaxing the muscles around your eyes so they fall back into their sockets.

Both techniques will relax tension in your body, which helps to clear your head, strengthen your guardrails, and give you time to respond rather than react. If this can create more emotional safety for your children, it is well worth the effort.

Author: Deborah Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. is a Neutral Child and Family Specialist in Collaborative Practice and Family Law

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pexels-photo-704149Who would ever ask for a two month supply of elevated cortisol and high anxiety in their Christmas stocking!  Yet for many, the holiday season adds to rather than relieves stress as parents feel obliged to layer Hallmark fantasies about “the most wonderful time of the year” onto work demands, gift shopping, extra food preparation, children’s activities, cleaning and decorating.  The holiday season can feel challenging during the best of times. What about when holidays fall during one of the most difficult of times, when parents are in the process of separating or getting unmarried?  While feeling overwhelmed themselves, many parents worry that their divorces will cast a pall on Christmas or Hanukkah or winter solstice activities for their children.  Your kids don’t benefit if you make yourself miserable with unrealistic expectations for “business as usual” over the holidays if you’re running on empty and in pain.  But it’s also unfair to them to completely pull the plug on holiday celebrations for the same reasons. More than presents, your children need your presence, love and support, as they deal with their own feelings of sadness and loss about the family change. The winter holidays are all about hope and light, which children need to thrive, so help them find moments with you to experience them both:
  • Have a clarifying discussion with your co-parent about what to expect in terms of help with holiday rituals like decorating the house, shared gift-giving for the kids and possible shared activities like Christmas morning or one of the nights of Hanukkah.
  • Decide with your kids (or for them, depending on their ages) on a few heart-felt and meaningful ways to celebrate.  Having a do-able game plan can relieve stress. Now is a good time to create new rituals as well as honor the old.
  • Be authentic and set realistic expectations for activities and gifts if your energy and finances are low.  Resist any urge to blame your co-parent.  Putting your kids in the middle is guaranteed to make them unhappy.
  • Actively enlist your support system this year.  Most people who care about you will want to help, so give them a way. Cookies made by a friend or family member will be just as delicious, and someone would love to help you set up your tree.  Meet with your therapist, go to the gym, get that massage.
  • Affirm your support for your kids to enjoy holiday activities with both sides of their extended family.  When you are not with them, focus not on resentment, but on resting, renewing and recharging in the true spirit of the season.
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adult-apple-business-276549Have you ever wondered about how to do something that felt daunting but maybe not super complicated (baking a perfect soufflé, building a patio, learning to golf) and decided to follow the advice to “Just look on YouTube!”  So you find several videos on YouTube, select the one in your language, and set off to do this thing on your own.  How difficult could it be? The Catch:  It’s generally harder than it looks on YouTube Those demonstrations are done by people with lots of experience and expertise, who make it seem effortless.  And this will be the first time you’re doing this.  Perhaps all will go well,  but if it does not, your understandable reactions could include:  “Why didn’t anybody tell me soufflés need different baking times and temperatures at different altitudes!  How many times will I have to experiment to get this right?” “What am I supposed to do now?  I hit a big tree root while digging the patio foundation?” “Golf has a lot of moving parts!  I really do need lessons.” Because we don’t know what we don’t know, getting the right kind of specialized or expert help at the beginning of a project can be very valuable, can save time and expense and will help prevent frustration and anxiety. What Does this Have to do with Divorce? When ending a marriage, many couples hope to minimize conflict, expense and time by choosing an uncontested divorce process.  These range from DIY divorces using down-loadable forms to hiring professionals who do alternative or out-of-court dispute resolution.  I am one of those professionals, a neutral child specialist who assists parents and children in a variety of ways during the transition from marriage to getting unmarried.  Though I can work with any process, I often work on Collaborative Practice teams offering respectful, out of court, problem solving support for the legal, financial, relationship and parenting issues that are part of a divorce.  Those of us doing this work know that there can be complications, unexpected issues, lots of moving parts, and pieces of information not necessarily available to the general public about how laws work.   We especially like to help families at the beginning, to set people up for success. I know there are many couples who do not need or want professional services to have a respectful and equitable divorce, and I wish them all the best!  But if it becomes more complicated than it appeared on YouTube, please do not hesitate to call.  
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children-cute-drawing-159823April is Autism Awareness Month, the two month anniversary of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, and the 19th anniversary of Columbine.  Why talk about ASD and school shootings in the same sentence?  And why a divorce blog?  I will get to that.  But as a lawyer-mom, these two issues are at the forefront of my mind, and probably the minds of many parents and educators these days.  We should rest assured that our kids would know what to do during a lock-down because they have spontaneous drills throughout the year, right?  Ugh…what am I saying?  The fact that kids NEED lockdown drills is downright outrageous!  Nonetheless, I wondered what the younger kids are told and what happens during these drills.  Well, lucky me, when I recently volunteered in my son’s elementary school classroom, the school had a lock down drill.  And one word sums up the experience: chilling. Lockdown drills are very different from the fire and tornado drills we had as kids.  I’m sure everyone remembers the fire drills – exit the classroom quickly and get away from the building.  Or the tornado drills – go out to the hallways, away from the doors and windows, and cover your head with your hands.  Up until about 1999, THOSE were the drills Minnesotan kids experienced.  In fact, most the time, much to our teacher’s chagrin, we were laughing and joking around.  A lock down drill, however, has a very different vibe.  The kids must be EXTREMELY quiet.  They huddle into a specific area and are instructed to remain eerily still.  This had been a bustling class (and school) just moments before, but now it was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.  This was a class of 30 second graders, so I was stunned at the deafening silence.  Just when I thought it was over (it seemed like forever, but was probably two minutes) someone rattled the door handle.  Forcefully.  Not a peep from the kids, but I jumped.  Luckily, they didn’t see me or they might have erupted into giggles.  We had to continue to remain quiet and motionless.  Interestingly, I don’t remember what happened next; that is, I don’t recall if there was a bell or another signal indicating the drill was over (I think I was sort of in shock).  The kids went about their business, working on their projects, like it was no big deal.  Only it was a big deal.  At least it was to me and the other adults in the room.  I just looked at the staff, wide-eyed, and shook my head. School lock downs are now a reality for school-aged children.  It makes my heart ache.  I asked my son that evening why they have lockdowns and he nonchalantly said it was in case anyone wants to break into the school.  That was it.  Simple enough.  But as we grown-ups know, there is nothing simple about this. My son is a “mover and a crasher,” so I was relieved he made it through the drill.  But I thought about the other high-needs/special-needs kids in his school.  For any child who has physical needs or doesn’t cognitively understand the drill, simply can’t be quiet and remain calm, needs to move, or overreacts when accidentally bumped or touched by a classmate, what would that child do in this drill?  Or, God forbid, in a REAL situation? With more and more kids being diagnosed with ASD, what protocols are in place for them?  Is there a special section in their IEP about drills?  There ought to be. This made me think about special-needs kids whose parents are going through a divorce.  The teachers are aware of kids’ needs (or should be).  So, too, should the divorce team.  A child’s symptoms often reemerge or worsen when they are stressed, which could happen during parental conflict and/or separation.  Child specialists can work with the parents and the child’s pediatrician and/or therapist to help create a parenting plan that is in the child’s best interests.  Like it or not, otherwise fit and loving parents need to work together for there children’s sake.  Fortunately, the Collaborative process can help parents really focus on their kids, by putting them in the center, rather than the middle, of the divorce process.  Every family situation is unique.  Every family and every child deserve a creative plan to help move them forward, restructure, and get to a new “normal.”  Drill and lockdown protocols included.