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In Part 1, we talked about how kids just seem to know how to play, and consequently, they develop important skills through play.  As previously mentioned, the Minnesota Children’s Museum in St. Paul has an exhibit, “Seven Powers of Play” where kids create, tinker, and discover, and acquire those skills.  As we become adults, work replaces play, and perhaps some of those skills we learn as children fall to the bottom of our toolbox.  Life happens, but in a divorce, those skills can be THE tools needed for changing your mindset and creating not only a healthy divorce process but a rewarding life post-divorce. 

Those skills are:

  1. Creative thinking
  2. Critical thinking
  3. (Self)-Control
  4. Confidence
  5. Collaboration
  6. Communication
  7. Coordination

Let’s identify them, dig them out, and polish them up.

Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.

This is the paradigm shift and brainstorming phase of the Collaborative Process.  The couple can (literally) shout out their goals and ideas for how they’d like the divorce to move forward and their family life to flow as they uncouple.  For example, what do they want co-parenting to look like both short-term and long-term?  Do parents really need to stay in their on-duty parenting lane, or could they celebrate holidays together?  Contrary to the “typical” divorce and cultural expectations, perhaps they gather for family meals (yes, even after they are divorced!) weekly or monthly.  They stretch their creativity to what they need and want without fear of what society expects of them during and after their divorce. 

Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe. 

After brainstorming, those critical thinking skills are put to the test.  Divorce is a set of issues to be addressed and solved, not a war to be fought and won (or lost).  After all the information is gathered and various options created, the couple analyzes and discerns the best outcome and option for their family unit going forward.  It’s not about who is getting more of the pie; rather, it’s looking at the various parts of the pie and determining which part is preferred.  (I’ll take a buttery graham cracker crust over the Frech silk/chocolate mousse filling anytime.)   

Self-control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors. 

We know what it looks like for a toddler to throw a tantrum, and it takes years of patience (and not giving in to that tantrum) for a child to self-regulate.  During a divorce, it’s not at all unusual for adults to completely lose their cool.  Divorce is emotional, frustrating, and it feels devastating.  We are human and it’s ok to be angry during this time.  Adults, however, need to muster their will to utilize the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, and respond, rather than react, to the situation.  Collaborative professionals can help create a safe space for the couple, and a trained divorce coach can help them regulate their emotions and get them back on track. 

Confidence – to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.

Often, the Collaborative Process helps the couple parent their kids better.  When parents focus on the future and how a structured, yet flexible parenting plan can work for everyone, their ability to co-parent not only increases their confidence for their future but helps them improve their overall self-esteem.  When they feel like they are “doing good” by their kids, everyone wins, and confidence improves.  Clients have reached out to me a year or more after the divorce to tell me their co-parenting relationship is better than they ever imagined it could be.     

Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.

Believe it or not, a divorcing couple has at least one common goal: to ensure that their kids are ok.  Most couples have several common goals, but the foregoing is always at the top.  Even if they have adult children, divorcing couples want to at least be comfortable seeing their former spouse at a family event, like a graduation or wedding.  Collaboration in a divorce is crucial to the future well-being of everyone in the family.  We will dive deeper into this skill in Part 3. 

Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision. 

Shifting communication and using “I” statements is a simple, yet powerful tool for everyone to utilize.  We all need to take ownership of what we say.  If something comes out sideways, common sense dictates clarifying and apologizing.  Nothing can change the energy in a room like a sincere apology.  While that communication style, which might have been lost during the marriage, can be (re)learned, the professionals on the case open the meeting with expectations for everyone.  The goal is that the couple will learn more productive ways of communicating in the future.

Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

I view coordination as a child’s ability to learn and use both large muscle and fine motor skills. Picture the early walker looking like Frankenstein Baby with arms held out and an awkward gait, but wearing the biggest, proudest grin on that precious face.  Or a child learning to skip or ride a bike: they try, fall down, and get back up and do it again.  Eventually, they ride without falling down, and skip with smooth strides.  For adults, this can mean recognizing when they are going to “lose it” and taking a few deep breaths to slow their breathing and heartrate.  This deeper dive into learning about the sympathetic nervous system and the fight, flight, or freeze response, which relates to the ability to self-regulate, as noted above, can be critical during times of stress.  It’s amazing what the human body can achieve.

While it might come as a surprise that the above skills are learned through play during childhood, it shouldn’t be a surprise these skills are vital for healthy adulthood.  Sometimes a marriage doesn’t work.  But that doesn’t mean the people in that marriage don’t work or are somehow broken.  Is it possible the above skills were lost or forgotten?  Yes.  But now is the time to find them, brush up on those skills, and perhaps relearn how to use them. 

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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People sometimes tell me they’ve heard that collaborative divorce works better for the higher income spouse. The idea is that the person with more money will always have more influence, more control, and more options. If you earn less than your spouse, it can feel risky to choose a process that depends on cooperation.

I understand why that fear exists. Money shapes how we move through life. It can affect your confidence in negotiations. It can make you wonder if the other person can simply wait you out until you accept less than what is fair.

In my work, I have seen that a carefully managed collaborative divorce can protect a lower income spouse in ways the court process often does not.

Why This Concern Feels Real
In many marriages, one person earns significantly more than the other. When the marriage ends, the higher earner may have more savings, more credit, or more financial stability. They may feel less urgency to resolve things quickly. The lower earner may feel pressure to settle just to get financial relief.

These are valid worries. They do not disappear automatically in a collaborative case. But collaborative divorce was designed to address them directly.

How Collaborative Divorce Addresses Power Imbalances
The process starts with full financial transparency. Both spouses share all the information about income, expenses, assets, and debts. There is no hiding documents, no drawn-out discovery requests, and no costly legal fights just to get basic facts.

A neutral financial professional is part of the team. They work for both spouses and explain financial details in plain language. This means each person understands what different settlement options will mean for their future.

Collaborative teams can make interim financial agreements early on. If one spouse needs support for housing or daily expenses during the process, the team can create an agreement right away instead of waiting for a court hearing.

Because communication is at the heart of collaborative work, there may often be coaches involved. These professionals help keep discussions respectful and balanced. They make sure one voice does not dominate the conversation.

Why Litigating Attorneys May See This Differently
Attorneys who primarily work in litigation sometimes see collaborative divorce through a different lens. In court, the higher income spouse can be ordered to produce documents, attend hearings, and even pay temporary support early in the case. Judges have authority to make rulings and set deadlines. To a litigator, those built-in powers of the court can feel like stronger protection for the lower income spouse.

From that perspective, collaborative divorce may seem risky because there is no judge to issue immediate orders. Litigators worry that without the authority of the court, a higher income spouse could slow things down or refuse to cooperate.

These concerns are not unfounded. In a collaborative case, if one spouse refuses to participate in good faith, the process can break down. That is why collaborative professionals screen cases carefully. If there are signs that one person will withhold information or use the process to stall, collaborative may not be the right fit.

When Collaborative Practice Works Better
Using a collaborative process can give the lower income spouse more control over their future than litigation. Court processes can be slow and expensive. The higher income spouse can afford to keep paying legal fees, while the lower income spouse may feel pressured to accept a deal to stop the financial bleeding.

In Collaborative, both spouses commit to full disclosure, respectful communication, and problem-solving. The team addresses immediate needs quickly so that neither person is left in crisis. Instead of spending time and money on court battles, the focus stays on building an agreement that works for both people.

Collaborative divorce is not fair just because of the name. Fairness comes from the professionals involved and their willingness to slow down, explain every option, and make sure each person understands what they are agreeing to. The team’s role is to keep the process balanced so that neither income level decides the outcome.

Litigating attorneys and collaborative attorneys sometimes see fairness through different frameworks. Both want to protect their clients. Both see situations where the other process might fail. What matters most is choosing the process — and the professionals — who will make sure your needs are met and your voice is heard.

For a lower income spouse, collaborative practice can be a place to get stability, clarity, and a say in what comes next. With the right team and safeguards, it can be a path to a fair resolution without the costs and strain of a courtroom battle.

About the Author

Angela is a former President and board member of the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute. She has a solo practice where she focuses primarily on collaborative law and out-of-court settlement processes.  Through her work, she aims to empower individuals to make informed decisions while reducing conflict, cost, and emotional stress.  She helps clients navigate complex transitions with clarity and compassion.

Angela is a former President and board member of the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute. She has a solo practice where she focuses primarily on collaborative law and out-of-court settlement processes.  Through her work, she aims to empower individuals to make informed decisions while reducing conflict, cost, and emotional stress.  She helps clients navigate complex transitions with clarity and compassion.

Angela Heart, Family Law Attorney
Heart Law, LLC
E: Angela@heartlaw.net | Ph: 651-337-1333
Website: https://www.heartlaw.net/

 

 

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Judith Wallerstein, in her ground-breaking 25-year study of divorcing parents and their children, was perhaps the first social science researcher to notice it.   The injury to self which can happen in divorce is much deeper than what people were thinking throughout the 1970s.  It can happen on the deepest level of the human psyche.

            What she noted is that the divorce for most of her study population was a challenge on three levels:   1) to the world-view her couples had always assumed (in a sense, a ‘crisis of faith’); 2) to who they thought they were as human beings (a ‘crisis of identity’), and 3) even to the deepest part of their psyche – the central brain which is connected to adequate sleep, appetite, situational awareness (avoiding traffic accidents) and the immune system.   As she sometimes said, “It’s as if the body itself perceives the experience as an attack on its ability to survive”.

            And so, it’s no wonder that couples sometimes ask themselves as they start down the path of divorce:  “How much is this going to change my life?   Who will I be on the other side of this?”

            Fear of the unknown can sometimes feel worse than dealing with the day to day frustrations of a dysfunctional relationship.   At least the dysfunction is a known quantity – which can sometimes feel safer.

            But it’s possible to reinforce the strongest sense of self coming out of a divorce process, especially one which is Collaborative and focused on the needs of the family system as a whole.

            Here are three good ideas for making that happen:

  1. Self care.   This may seem obvious, but even when life is going well it can be hard to achieve.  Good exercise, good food, and good sleep need to be a special focus when going through a divorce process.   No one wants to be at their worst or weakest in making decisions which can shape the rest of their lives, or their children’s lives.
  2. Re-engaging with your values.  The personal strength that comes from self respect is drawn from the integrity of acting consistently with your deepest values.   It brings confidence and clear thought.  It may be as simple as reconnecting with a good faith community in your area.   It may mean finding a good therapist whose listening ear helps you to feel stronger and not weaker – someone who helps you to hear your own voice clearly.   It can also mean reconnecting with caring friends and family members who help you to feel stronger and more confident (not more fearful!).   Take the time to think about making this happen for yourself.
  3. Vision planning.   This is so difficult to do when we are stuck in a “fear place”.  But the truth is, if you can’t imagine a new and better future for yourself, who is going to do it for you?   It’s important to give yourself time to carve out some moments here and there where you give yourself permission to dream.   Ask yourself:   Where have I been before that made this easier?   Who was I with at the time?  What was I listening to?

So much good comes from finding self-respect.  Honoring your entire life – physical, mental, spiritual – it’s a critical piece of putting your feet forward, every step of the way.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.

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“I’m just really, really scared all the time.”  A nine-year-old shared this during her child-inclusive post-divorce mediation.   This was not because her parents were often in disagreement and she sometimes felt in the middle of it (she did), but because of where each parent lived and worked in the city of Minneapolis, where she also goes to school.

Proximity to what she and most children in Minneapolis have been forced to process during the heightened federal immigration enforcement—the deaths of a mom and a nurse in the daytime on the city streets by armed, masked men, and the disappearance of family members, classmates and friends—has been deeply traumatizing.  Frightening events like this also are occurring in other cities, and in other parts of the world.

In Collaborative practice with families, we prioritize the safety and well-being of children.  It is about creating a process that is respectful and honors the dignity and humanity of all participants. It is about listening, understanding, empathizing and ultimately problem solving.   These are the strengths of a process that seeks to mitigate the harm of adversarial energy, and any urge for retribution or vengeance.

But what do we do as Collaborative professionals when the outside world is mirroring the exact opposite?  When what is fracturing families and terrifying children goes beyond divorce?  How can we help families and children who are experiencing separation and divorce in the midst of traumatizing circumstances from which we cannot shield them?

What I believe is that now, more than ever, we need to exemplify our core values.   Respect.  Honesty.  Transparency.  Empathy.  Compassion.   Fairness.  Human decency.

We need to put into practice our highest skills.  Being present.  Listening without judgment.  Asking clarifying questions.  Reframing without invalidating.  Modeling the ability to compromise.  Holding open a safe space to process painful emotions.  Offering support and guidance.   Refraining from disrespecting the “other side.”  Maintaining a focus on what children need to be resilient and thrive, and not on winning.

When my young client curled up on the couch and expressed her fear, I needed to be present for her.  I needed to respect her, really see her, accept her reality and not try to minimize or deflect.  I didn’t have answers.  But I knew she needed hope.  So I reminded her of the story of the Grinch, who was very mean and spiteful because his heart was too small.  He tried to trick, intimidate and punish all the Whos in Whoville who were different from him.  But when the Whos turned to each other for support and song, the power of their loving community was unshakeable.  Ultimately this power stopped, and then changed, the Grinch.  I told her I knew she was loved, and she smiled.

She then asked if I would tell her parents to please not argue so much, and I told her I would most certainly do that.

Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.

Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com

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Emily and Daniel were in love. Their love story had once been the envy of the neighborhood—a whirlwind romance that blossomed into a marriage filled with laughter, shared dreams, and whispered secrets. But as the years went by, cracks appeared in their fairy tale. After years of therapy, divorce was agreed upon as the next step.

At a local coffee shop, Emily consulted with Susan, an attorney who specialized in collaborative divorce, a path less traveled but one that promised healing rather than heartache.

“Emily,” Susan began, “I know this is tough. But have you considered a collaborative divorce?”

Emily sipped her latte, her eyes tracing the steam rising from the cup. “What’s that?”

Susan leaned in, her voice soft. “It’s a different approach. Instead of battling it out in court, we assemble a team—a dream team, if you will.”

Emily raised an eyebrow. “A dream team?”

“Yes,” Susan said. “Picture this: You, Daniel, and your respective attorneys. But that’s not all. We also bring in a neutral facilitator—a wise soul who guides conversations and ensures emotions don’t derail the process. And a financial expert—they’re like wizards with spreadsheets, helping us untangle the financial knots.”

Emily’s curiosity piqued. “And what’s the goal?”

“To find common ground,” Susan replied. “We sit around a table, not a courtroom. We talk, we listen, and we create solutions together. No winners or losers—just a fair resolution.”

Meanwhile, across town, Daniel met with his attorney, Ethan, who had an established divorce litigation practice. The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead, casting shadows on the carpet.

“Daniel,” Ethan said, adjusting his tie, “we’re going to court. It’s the way things are done.  We serve her, file the papers and start the process of hearings.”

“But what about Emily?” Daniel asked. “We used to love each other. Can’t we find a better way?”

Ethan sighed. “This is how it works with divorce.  We’ll request documents, hold depositions as needed, and present evidence. It’s a battle my friend.”

Daniel remembered the nights he’d held Emily as she cried. He wanted closure, not combat. Maybe Susan’s dream team was worth exploring.

Back at the coffee shop, Susan continued her pitch. “Emily, collaborative divorce is cost-effective. No endless court appearances, no billable hours stacking up. Plus, it’s faster.”

“But what if Daniel refuses?” Emily asked.

Susan smiled. “We’ll encourage him. And if he agrees, we’ll craft a customized settlement—one that considers your needs and the kids’ well-being.”

Back in Ethan’s office, Ethan faced Daniel. “We’ll fight for your rights, Daniel.”

Daniel glanced at Ethan’s stern face. He thought of Emily, their shared memories, and the pain they both carried. Maybe there was another way.

Emily and Daniel stood at the crossroads, their hearts heavy with choices.

The Collaborative Path:

  • A team of allies.
  • Solutions born from dialogue.
  • Healing over hurting.

The Traditional Path:

  • Adversaries in court.
  • Evidence and arguments.
  • Winners and losers.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, Emily and Daniel made their decision. They chose the dream team—the path of collaboration. And in that choice, they found not just a divorce, but a chance to rewrite their story.

When life hands you a divorce, consider the roads less traveled. Sometimes, the dream team can turn heartbreak into hope.

Disclaimer: The characters and events in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to real persons or situations is purely coincidental.

Note: This story is a creative representation of collaborative and traditional divorce. Seek legal advice from a professional attorney for personalized guidance.

This story was created in part with the use of artificial intelligence and in part by attorney Angela Heart.

Angela Heart | Attorney
Angela is a collaborative family law attorney at Heart Law, LLC. Her mission is to enable and empower divorcing couples to have a smooth transition that is family focused during a life changing event. To find more information about Heart Law go to www.heartlaw.net.

Heart Law, LLC
651-337-1333 | angela@heartlaw.net
www.heartlaw.net

 

 

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In recent years, how we handle many of life’s pivotal moments, including the sensitive divorce process, has shifted dramatically. The introduction of tools like Zoom into the collaborative divorce process has transformed how meetings are conducted and brought many benefits to clients. Let’s explore how this technological shift has significantly impacted clients through the lens of hypothetical client experiences.

The Time-Saver
Meet Sarah and John, who decided to part ways after a decade of marriage. With demanding careers and a busy family life, finding time for numerous meetings took a lot of work. The adoption of Zoom for their collaborative divorce process was a game-changer. They could attend sessions from the comfort of their home, saving valuable time otherwise spent traveling to and from meetings. This convenience allowed them to approach each session with a clearer mind, focusing on the matters at hand rather than the stress of commuting.

The Comfort of Distance
Then there’s the story of Emma and Alex. Sitting next to each other in a professional office would heighten their emotional stress, making productive communication challenging. Zoom provided a much-needed physical buffer. By attending sessions from separate locations, they found themselves more relaxed and able to communicate effectively. This emotional comfort translated into a more focused approach to resolving their issues.

Access to Specialized Professionals
Consider the case of Mia and Carlos. They had specific needs: Mia wanted a financial expert, while Carlos sought guidance on parenting plans. Previously, they were restricted to professionals in their immediate area. Zoom opened up a state-wide pool of experts. They were able to engage with a financial advisor from the suburbs and a parenting expert from St. Paul, each bringing specialized knowledge to the table.

The Long-Distance Couple
Finally, there’s Rachel and Tom, who were already living in different cities when they decided to divorce. For them, arranging in-person meetings was nearly impossible. Zoom made it feasible for them to engage in the collaborative process without the need for travel. This was particularly beneficial for Tom, who also frequently traveled for work and could join the sessions from anywhere, ensuring continuity in their proceedings.

The Bigger Picture
These stories highlight the flexibility and accessibility that Zoom has brought to the collaborative divorce process. Clients are no longer bound by geographical limitations or the constraints of traditional office hours. The comfort of attending from a familiar environment reduces stress, allowing for more productive discussions. The physical separation provided by virtual meetings can lower emotional intensity, fostering a more amicable environment for negotiation.

Moreover, this shift isn’t just beneficial for the clients. Professionals, too, have found that they can offer their services more broadly, reaching clients they wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s a win-win situation where expertise is now unrestricted by location.

Integrating Zoom meetings into the collaborative divorce process is more than a response to a world increasingly reliant on digital solutions. It’s a thoughtful adaptation to the needs of those going through one of life’s most challenging transitions, offering a sense of control, comfort, and accessibility that was previously hard to achieve with in-person meetings. As technologies continue to improve, it’s exciting to see how our ways of meeting with clients will continue to evolve.

Carl Arnold is an experienced family law attorney and mediator. He currently focuses his practice on Family Law Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. His office is in Northfield, Minnesota and he works with people from all over the state using Zoom. Carl has been a long-time member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota.

Arnold Law and Mediation LLC
Attorney/Mediator
507-786-9999
carl@arnoldlawmediation.com
www.arnoldlawmediation.com

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According to the authors of Influencer: The New Science of Leading Change (Joseph Grenny et al, 2013), there are 6 sources of influence: personal motivation, personal ability, social motivation, social ability, structural motivation, and structural ability.

I will explore these sources of influence as they relate to vital behaviors for co-parenting with less stress and more peace.

  1. Personal Motivation – Why does someone want to do something? Does it make them feel better? Many people experience overwhelming stress in high conflict co-parenting. This kind of chronic stress impacts health, work, and relationships. It definitely feels better to have less stress in one’s life!
  2. Personal Ability – Can they do it? Do they have to the skills? Communication and conflict resolution skills taught in our monthly co-parenting webinars can make communication less triggering between parents and provide new ways to successfully defuse conflict. We encourage parents to focus on working together to raise whole, healthy, happy children. Being in one’s own integrity with regard to respecting the child’s other parent and honoring one’s word to respect the parenting time schedule (which includes being proactive to communicate when a commitment can’t be met – running late at a meeting at work, or weather / or traffic interfere) helps parenting time transitions go more smoothly.
  3. Social Motivation – What are your peers doing? Are they fighting with their children’s other parent or are they getting along? In many northern European countries, it is the cultural norm that parents share parenting after separation or divorce. There is also a higher percentage of people having children who were never married. Though if they split up, they still commit to raising their children together.
  4. Social Ability is the way we enable these vital behaviors. In the area of co-parenting, this is where peer to peer groups can be so valuable. When people see other parents successfully navigating daily co-parenting, they are motivated to do what these others are doing. Children do not want to be caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict. That actually feels terrible for children. Some get aggressive and bully others because they themselves are hurting. Some become withdrawn and drop out of activities they used to enjoy with friends. Others turn their hurt inward and get into cutting, or experience eating disorders. It’s important that court-ordered therapy to address the child’s situation also include the parents so that family dynamics can be addressed and tools provided to the parents to improve communication and resolve conflicts.
  5. Structural Motivation – CLI is working to share collaborative practices across Minnesota so that more families can benefit from having less costly, less difficult separations. Collaborative services are available in all areas to support families – family law, mediation, finance, therapy, and on-going support through parent coaching to enable Dads & Moms to co-parent with less stress and more peace. This collaborative approach reduces post-divorce conflict.
  6. Structural Ability – Do you have the tools to SUCCEED with co-parenting?a. First and foremost, sign a Commitment to Co-parenting at the time of separation/divorce. As parents, it’s in your hands – you and the other parent of your children – to move beyond the bitterness of your separation or divorce and find the courage to mutually support your children in maintaining healthy, loving relationships with BOTH parents and the children’s entire extended family.

Here’s some sample language you can use:
Commitment to Care – I am committed to the long-term well-being of our children. I understand that continued conflict with my ex-spouse/partner is destructive. I will agree to reasonable boundaries and interact with our children’s other parent in a respectful business-like manner so that we can BOTH continue to love our children and remain actively involved in their lives. While our intimate, romantic relationship has ended, co-parenting is forever.

If there isn’t a commitment by both parents, what’s getting in the way? Recognize mental health issues, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Provide treatment and support during recovery.

Otherwise look at social motivation – What are your peers doing? It’s time to create a NEW cultural norm of Shared Parenting! The best way to have the court order Shared Parenting is to have been sharing parenting all along since the day the children were born.

b. Another vital behavior for successful co-parenting is that information is shared. BOTH parents receive communications about schedules, appointments, practices, and events from schools, doctors, therapists, youth directors, and sports coaches. Know a provider or organization that isn’t set up to easily share information with both parents? Let CLI know if you would like to participate in our outreach across Minnesota.

Peaceful co-parenting is possible and our kids are worth it!

 

Adina Lebowitz, MA is a family mediator, parenting educator, and wellness coach. Her primary goal is to help families find less stress and more peace in their co-parenting. She supports parents as they are adjusting to a new separation or divorce, and continues to support them as co-parents whether they are facing day to day parenting challenges, or dealing with the impacts of stress on their lives. She is available to mediate bigger issues that impact their parenting plans like a move, job change, new relationship, or a child’s health challenge.

EHTC Family Mediation | Elan Health Twin Cities LLC
Phone: 612-499-8418
Email: adina@elanhealthtc.org
Website: https://www.elanhealthtc.org/mediation
Facebook: Co-parenting with Less Stress and More Peace https://www.facebook.com/groups/coparentingmorepeace

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In collaborative dissolution cases, this is a common objection when meeting for the first time with clients.  Another variation is, “I can be a terrific co-parent, just not with my spouse.”  I am often stymied by this reaction.  Of course, I know nothing about the other spouse except the views of my potential client.

My initial response is to acquiesce and to reject the collaborative approach.  But depending on the circumstances, both spouses bear the risk of escalating litigation.

A better approach is to persuade the spouse in my office of the advantages of the collaborative model, especially if the couple has trouble communicating.  They may have misperceived the resistance of the other spouse.  I consider the context.  The couple has typically been working toward a break-up for a long time.  They have often taken strong positions based upon strained communications.  I encourage the spouse to review the open communications features described in the Participation Agreement.

For example, in four-way meetings with clients and attorneys, both spouses can be safely heard without the risk that their words could later be regretted.  In addition, the spouses themselves can set the pace of the process rather than be bound by judicial deadlines.  This may be persuasive in cases where one spouse is more eager to end the marriage.  Resolution is often facilitated when some issues are allowed to “percolate.”

Another advantage of the collaborative process is cost savings.  Initially, this seemed to me to be counter-intuitive given the potential number of team members and meetings.  But when the alternative is communicating exclusively through the attorneys, these meetings are a bargain.

If a client in my office expresses a favorable view toward the collaborative process, another approach is to communicate directly in writing with the “stubborn” spouse.  The correspondence always contains the caveat that I represent only their spouse and I recommend they obtain their own attorney.  I include a general discussion recommending the collaborative model and provide IACP literature and brochures.

The letter accurately states that the vast majority of all divorces are resolved through settlement.  A major advantage with the collaborative process is the emphasis on preserving future relationships (especially where minor children are involved).

In discussing the problem of the stubborn spouse, one of my colleagues gave me permission to share the following experience.

He consulted with a woman who was knowledgeable and favorably inclined towards a collaborative divorce.  But she was adamant that her husband was too stubborn and controlling to ever agree to anything she suggested.  Nevertheless, she agreed that he could send her husband a letter recommending the collaborative process.  The letter was down-to-earth and explained the practical benefits of enhanced communications and interest-based negotiations.

To his client’s surprise, her husband agreed to give it a try and requested a referral to another collaborative lawyer.  As it turned out, the collaborative process proved successful.

The take-away for both collaborative professionals and clients is to continue exploring this option even when confronted with resistance from a stubborn spouse.  The process of reaching agreement is facilitated when couples can meet on their own terms.  Also, clients are often attracted to the collegial format.  If a resistant spouse is on the fence, share with them Father Frances Fleming’s sage advice, “Love your enemies.  It drives them nuts.”

About the Author

Gregory R. Solum, Attorney at Law
My goal is to guide my clients to their destination in a manner that is transparent, fluid and valuable. General Practice of Civil, Family, Probate and Appellate Law since 1980/ Mediator (including Family Court) since 1995/ Collaborative Team Divorce since 2000/ University of Minnesota Law School Instructor 1991-2009. www.solumlaw.com