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I love museums, and fortunately, so does my family.  When my kids were little, my husband and I often took them to the Minnesota Children’s Museum in St. Paul.  In addition to the exhibits, the Museum has ways for kids to just be.  I loved watching my kiddos create, tinker, discover, and play.  The “Seven Powers of Play,” developed by the Museum, are core developmental benefits that children acquire through play.  As I observed their little imaginations running wild, it struck me (and bears repeating) that we all need to play.  Throughout the Museum, families could discover fun facts, quotes, and ideas, along with boards that listed a separate “power” of play:

  1. Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.
  2. Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe.
  3. (Self)-Control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors.
  4. Confidence– to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.
  5. Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.
  6. Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision.
  7. Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

So, all of you who are parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles can appreciate this list, right?  Play is powerful!  In “Our World” a Minnesota “city” is set up in the Museum so the kiddos can shop at the farmer’s market, get packages ready for mailing at the post office, pretend to drive a fire truck, create signs, and so on.  The “Powers of Play No. 5, Collaboration” board really caught my eye in this area.  On it was the following:

Skills in Action:

  • Cooperating with others to identify and pursue a common goal
  • Showing compassion and sympathy
  • Asking thoughtful questions and making connections

Power the Play

  • Encourage children to try out new roles
  • Let a child’s story unfold naturally
  • Add a plot twist: “What would happen if…?

Hmmm…if young children can learn and apply collaborative skills, then surely adults can, right?

So, taking a lesson from the Children’s Museum, we will dive a bit deeper in Part 2 and take these skills and powers to see how they can fit into a Collaborative divorce.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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“Revenge is a dish best served cold” is a popular saying which perhaps originated with Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, the French author of Dangerous Liaisons.    Typically, that phrase has meant that revenge planned in patience, over time, yields superior results.   However, as popular author James Kimmel, Jr., has noted in a recent book (The Science of Revenge, Random House 2025), that’s not how the human brain perceives it.

Revenge can exude immediate satisfying results to the human brain, which act chemically to produce a pleasurable effect.  Over time, this pleasurable result can become an addiction.   Because of the way the human brain is hard-wired, the immediate reward from revenge can become harder and harder to walk away from, even when the adverse long-term results become apparent.  For people who have been impacted by severe trauma in their childhood, this addiction can be even harder to overcome.   However, any form of perceived “grievance” can trigger the felt need for revenge, and such thought patterns may even be imagined, or be triggered the experience of others, instead of arising from personal damage or insult.

The “stop” mechanism which can protect human beings from the adverse impact of revenge is the frontal cortex – the part of the brain that can reason and inform – but that connection is not always enough t0 prevent bad things from happening.

In a divorce proceeding, the adverse effects can come from the length and cost of the process, the impact on children, the loss of income and liquid assets – the list goes on.

In Collaborative Practice, around the world, practitioners use the phrase “Resolving Disputes Respectfully” to describe their work.   Why is this important?   Is it just about wanting to appear “nice” and likeable to the Collaborative Professional Team?   Or to family or friends?   What’s behind this?

The act of offering respect – whether you think it’s deserved or not – is a way of working through the triggering of automatic defense mechanisms in the human brain which block conscious rational thought.   Once the financial data has been collected, the Collaborative Financial Specialist starts to look at the analysis which will help the family to maximize after-tax income, and to create a sustainable cash flow plan moving forward.   By the time the Financial Specialist is ready to share the tax analysis behind this planning, the divorcing couple needs to move beyond any “fight, flight or freeze” thinking into the frontal cortex of their brains, to make the best decisions possible, which will stand the test of time and be a stable solution for the entire family.

So, it’s important to recognize that while the pleasure which might be felt in plotting revenge against a spouse who has rejected you may feel good, and be a normal and perfectly human reaction, it may not meet overall goals for the long-term future.   Showing “respect” in divorce is not about being a wimp or pushover.  It’s about being as smart as you can be, and getting the smartest result possible for everyone in the family.

It doesn’t do much good to focus on an unbalanced solution (“winning it all”) if that result creates an unstable situation which does not meet the needs of children in both homes, and in consequence, the needs of both parents as well.  In those unbalanced “solutions”, couples frequently end up back in court, again and again, in chronic conflict, which drains resources and genuinely creates an adverse impact on children, for whom even 2 or 3 years can feel like a lifetime of parental battles.

It’s up to the couples themselves to forsake the momentary bliss of revenge and instead focus on a long term solution for the future.  Revenge is a tempting choice – and a habit that can be hard to break even once terrible consequences hit home.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.

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In this episode of the Minnesota Collaborative Divorce Podcast, hosts Judy Johnson and Jennifer Morris welcome Käri McGuire, Senior Client Service Associate at AJW Financial. Käri brings years of experience supporting families through the collaborative divorce process and offers clear, compassionate insight into what makes this approach so effective.

Käri breaks down the role of the financial neutral and how preparation plays a critical part in keeping families organized and focused throughout the divorce process. She discusses the emotional and financial benefits of working as a team and how collaborative professionals help families feel supported during one of life’s most challenging transitions.

For those considering divorce, this episode is a valuable introduction to a respectful, family-focused alternative to litigation. Käri shares practical guidance for individuals looking to take a more peaceful and intentional approach to separation and highlights why collaboration can lead to healthier long-term outcomes.

This episode is ideal for legal professionals, mental health providers, financial advisors, and families exploring a different way to move forward through divorce.