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136006968-writing-letters-gettyimagesIn the past few months, I have seen a number of people in my social network share this letter. It is a wonderfully written letter from an ex-Wife to her husband’s new girlfriend. Instead of the expected angry, hurtful, stay-away-from-my-children many people would have expected, the letter is filled with caring love for another human being and a potential influencer in her children’s lives. It is welcoming and tries to explain many of the nuances of the new family structures that arise out of divorce. Indeed, they take all shapes and sizes. This letter has been shared tens of thousands of times, because to the general public, it is unique. It is not what they expect to emerge out of divorce – it is not what society seems to expect of couples deciding to end a marriage. Truthfully, however, I see this kind of result all the time. As a collaborative divorce specialist, I loved this letter. It brought tears to my eyes as a real example of kindness and compassion in action. It is what I strive for every day when I work with families transitioning through divorce. We ground the collaborative process in mutual shared goals. If there are kids involved, both parents always want outcomes that protect the children. Regardless of what behavior, emotions or acts have led parents to a divorce, I know parents want to maintain strong relationships with their children and want their children to thrive in a post-divorce world. Many parents would even acknowledge the important role the other parent plays in raising the children. These goals are not unique – I see them all the time. And, when parents commit to an out of court, non-adversarial process, like collaborative law, the professionals in the process are as committed to these goals as the clients. I believe this letter demonstrates how important a positive co-parenting relationship is for children of divorce. That relationship lasts the rest of your life – figure out how to make it work. You do not need to be friends or call each other to talk about your day at work, but a respectful communication style to discuss your children will hugely benefit everyone. Having a strategy to embrace and face the changes that come after divorce is important as well. Statistically, both parents are likely to start new relationships – address these changes with healthy communication or seek outside support to learn how. Collaborative law is a divorce option that addresses many of the long-lasting implications of divorce and attempts to prepare families to move into a post-divorce life that allows everyone to thrive.
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155134777-sunrise-bursts-through-dense-fog-and-trees-gettyimagesPeace is possible though we are surrounded by conflict.  In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.”  Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons.  This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale.  And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.

The end of a marriage has some similarities to the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences.  Is it possible to disconnect without civil war?  Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle.  Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and well-being of children.

I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility.   In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace.  We can elect to follow The Four Agreements as defined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book by the same name, and use these principles to help us resolve our differences:

1.     I will be impeccable with my word.

2.     I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.

3.     I will make no assumptions.

4.     I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.

In Collaborative Team Practice, parents who are getting unmarried can draw from sources of support for the emotional, financial, parenting and legal issues that are involved.  Parents remain in charge of their own outcomes, but are given tools to keep the process as respectful as possible, thereby setting the stage for child-centered co-parenting in the future.  And the world your children will inhabit is in the future.  Let it be a peaceful one.

     
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171328306-college-planning-gettyimagesParents with children who attend college get to take part in the annual ritual of filling out the Free Application for Student Aid (FAFSA). The FAFSA can be nearly as difficult as Calculus 101, but unlike calculus this math, can have real implications to your life and financial situation. If you are divorced with a child heading off to college, below are some things that you should know about FAFSA and student financial aid. The custodial parent is responsible for filling out FAFSA and it is only their financial and household situation that are reported on the FAFSA. This can have important implications for determining eligibility for aid and for calculating the Expected Family Contribution (EFC) to the student’s college expenses. Determination of the custodial parent follows the criteria below, in descending order of importance:
  1. The Custodial parent is considered the parent with whom the child lived the majority of the time over the 12 months prior to completion of the FAFSA (not the previous calendar year).
  2. If custody time is equally split, the parent providing more financial support over the past 12 months.
  3. The parent that provides more than half of support now and will continue to do so in the future.
  4. The above are the primary criteria, but other criteria used to substantiate the above include who has legal custody, claimed the student on their tax return or has the higher income.
Legally separated parents are considered to be divorced. Never married biological parents are treated in the same manner. Many private colleges do consider the non-custodial parent as a potential source of support, and require a supplemental financial aid form from the non-custodial parent. This affects the awarding of the school’s own aid, but not federal and state aid. The federal government does not consider the income and assets of the non-custodial parent in determining a student’s financial need. However, it does consider child support and other support received by the custodial parent. If the custodial parent has remarried, the income and assets of the stepparent are to be reported as well. Any prenuptial agreement that absolves the stepparent of responsibility for college funding is ignored by the federal government. Potential Impact of the Divorce Process on Student Aid Eligibility A divorce that is still in process or recently completed can have a serious impact on student aid eligibility. The following are common divorce maneuvers that raise the reported income of a custodial parent:
  • Investment and property liquidations
  • Retirement plan divisions that include a distribution to the parent
  • College expense payments required by the divorce decree will be included in the student’s income.
If you are in the process of getting divorced and have a child in college or heading there soon, you will want to consider how your divorce will affect your child’s financial aid eligibility. A maneuver in the divorce process to financially equalize both parties may backfire if it negatively impacts financial aid eligibility.
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129816143If you put two smart, equally powerful people together to solve a problem with no clear right or wrong answer, they will likely come up with at least two possible solutions, and will often disagree on which solution is the best. The conundrum then becomes, which solution will be chosen? Who gets to choose? What is the basis for making this particular choice? Must one solution win and the other lose?  Now imagine that the two people trying to solve the problem are getting divorced.  The problem solving process now is emotionally as well as cognitively challenging. Collaborative Practice is founded on the idea that two smart and equally powerful people getting a divorce should be given the opportunity to create their own resolutions outside of court. But often the problems that need to be solved in a divorce do not have clear right or wrong answers.  In an emotionally charged situation, it’s easy for even the most thoughtful people to become positional and fall into a win-lose mindset, which exacerbates conflict and adds to the emotional and financial expense of the divorce process. Instead of encouraging clients to engage in positional thinking, Collaborative professionals use a process called interest-based negotiation which aims at creating win-win rather than win-lose solutions. Interest-based negotiation explores the interests, needs or values underlying positions. At this deeper level, people can often gain new insights into self and other that help them become more flexible problem solvers. I have Collaborative clients who agreed I could share their story of how interest-based negotiation helped them reach a very creative resolution regarding parenting time. These parents had agreed that a co-equal parenting time schedule would work well for their children. Based on their children’s ages, they were considering a developmentally appropriate 2-2-5-5 parenting time arrangement, in which one parent would be on duty every Monday and Tuesday night, the other parent every Wednesday and Thursday night, and weekends would alternate. But neither parent was really satisfied with this outcome. This co-equal resolution did not feel like a win-win solution; instead, both felt they were losing something important and thus couldn’t agree to this schedule. We needed to go deeper for resolution. Below the surface of the co-equal schedule proposal, some of each parent’s core interests were not being addressed.  Dad felt sadness at giving up two Friday game nights with the kids each month. Mom was unhappy about losing two Sunday worship services with the kids each month.  These were special family times for each parent.  As parents shared these concerns with each other, they reached an agreement that Dad could continue to have every Friday evening for game night, but would bring the kids to Mom’s house later on her parenting time weekends. Mom could bring the kids to church on the Sunday evenings they were scheduled to have weekends with Dad, and bring them to his house after church. These resourceful parents succeeded at reaching a unique and creative solution that would work for their family in the context of the broader parenting time arrangement.  And best of all, the primary beneficiaries are their children.  
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149261495Every once in awhile a movie comes along that gives us an important glimpse into the world of divorce.  Richard Linklater’s movie Boyhood is one of those rare films. It tells the story of a divorced family over a period of twelve years in a way that has moved audiences and impressed critics all over the world. It won the Golden Globes and Critics Award for Best Picture and is one of the favorites to win the Oscar for best picture as well. One of the unique features of the movie is that it was filmed over a period of 12 years, so you actually watch the boy grow from age 6 to 18. Seeing the real actors grow over time does seem to make it feel more real and by the end of the film the viewer gets a powerful sense of how this world feels, particularly for the children. Parents who have been through a divorce, or who see the possibility of divorce, are likely to be particularly moved by the film. While the movie clearly shows the pain and difficulty that the children face from living in two homes, and in having to adapt to new step-parents, it is not a grim account designed to make us feel that children of divorce are doomed. Indeed, Linklater, who acknowledges that the movie is based loosely on his life, says he was more interested in just showing that, for many families this world is very real. Over the twelve years, the boy, and his older sister, face many of the same issues faced by most children; the fact that they experienced those issues in separate homes adds a different dimension to their lives but, at least in this movie, does not devastate the family. Without spoiling the movie, it can be said that the divorced parents in the movie, while clearly imperfect, work through their life experiences without intense bitterness toward each other and, in the end that seems to have made all of the difference. I have, over the years, observed divorcing parents who never truly overcame their grief or anger. When I imagine the “Boyhood” story with these parents, I realize the story would have a completely different feeling. For me one of the messages that the movie underscores is that divorcing parents can be imperfect, and they can make the mistakes that we all make; but if their love of their children prevails, and they come to resolve their issues of grief and anger, their children can thrive. In my 32 years as a divorce attorney, I have witnessed every variation of the “Boyhood” story. My observations have convinced me that, for most divorcing parents, the method they choose for their divorce can make all of the difference. When it comes to divorce, some sadness, fear, and anger are inevitable. However, choosing a process that will help you resolve those issues, rather than inflame these emotions is crucial. To learn more about your choices, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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181216069In a recent first meeting with new clients, I was obtaining family history to help ground me in both parents’ perspectives on issues related to their divorce. A comment by the dad struck a chord for me. He said, “I believe the way I can become the best parent to my child is by getting a divorce.” At first glance this comment seems counter-intuitive. Most children would prefer their parents remain married or partnered and under one roof. Divorce is usually a life crisis for children and their parents. Divorce is necessarily about grief and loss. How does it follow that a divorce can result in better parenting? The answer is that many parents whose marriages don’t work are able to enter into a co-parenting relationship that does work. In these families, children remain at the center of their parents’ concern and out of the middle of their parents’ conflicts. Especially if the decision to get unmarried is mutual, and a reservoir of trust and good will about parenting has been preserved, it can relieve a great deal of stress in the home to decide (though often with great sadness) to let go of the marriage while embracing a new lifelong role as co-parents. Children can continue to feel safe and loved in the context of a healthy co-parenting relationship. Effective co-parents are mindful and committed to being present for and attuned to the needs of their children, and this is the foundation of their children’s resilience and hope. Collaborative Team Practice offers specialized mental health resources to support and reinforce healthy and effective co-parenting during and after a divorce. Neutral child specialists and neutral coaches help parents create Parenting Plans and Relationship Plans as detailed and unique guides for positive co-parenting. It is indeed possible to divorce with the goal of becoming the best parent one can be.
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During my childhood, a common folk saying was, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Clearly this adage predated the internet age. Children can be hurt by words, and need our protection. Probably most people you know send texts and are connected to a social media network.  Texting and social media are easily accessible and help people feel connected. The average American adult user of social media is plugged in 3.2 hours per day, sharing and receiving information online. Parents and their children often belong to the same social media networks. The impression that text exchanges and social networks are private and personal is problematic. Although there are privacy settings that can restrict sharing to specific online friends, people don’t always use them, nor are online posters always careful to self-filter and think twice about what they share. Even when messages are taken down, what goes up on the internet really never goes away. What does this have to do with protecting children during a divorce?  Here are a few cautionary tales:
  • A woman who was very hurt and feeling betrayed by her husband posted on Facebook in very colorful language about what a jerk he was, including vivid, angry descriptions of his undesirable qualities. Even though privacy settings were used to limit the posts to her close friends, the Facebook page was up on her opened laptop and read by her son when he arrived home from school, causing him considerable distress.
  • A daughter asked to use her dad’s phone and discovered romantic texts he had exchanged with a girlfriend. The shocked daughter shared this information with her mother, and then felt responsible for their subsequent divorce.
  • A few months after her parents’ divorce, a child discovered that her mother’s status on her Facebook homepage had been changed to “In a relationship.” This was upsetting to the child, who was still adjusting to the reality if the divorce.
During a divorce, it is easy for parents to become distracted. These scenarios illustrate how children can be unintentionally hurt by parents’ use of social media and texting. On behalf of keeping children safe and out of the middle, I strongly encourage parents to be careful and mindful with their online and texting behavior, especially during a divorce.    
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After your divorce, getting along at the holidays can be a stressful situation when you have kids. On top of trying to work out holiday visitation schedules and travel plans, you may also be worrying about what to get your kids. You might not have the resources to buy things like you did before the divorce. Maybe you have the resources and your ex doesn’t or vice-versa. So what do you do about those big-ticket items that your children have been eying since September? Being divorced brings on divisions over gift giving. Set aside some time with you ex, meet for coffee and talk about what your child wants or would like as gifts, and divide up the list, so you’re not duplicating each other and know what the other is buying. Also discuss whether or not a gift will be left at one parent’s house or if it can travel back and forth. If you have a hard time sitting down and talking in person, do it by email or phone. Sometimes it’s easy to ignore or “cross that bridge when we get there” but setting gift giving boundaries ahead of time creates less drama later on. It’s all too easy for the holidays to become a competition, to see which parent can buy the most stuff, the best stuff, or the most expensive stuff. Even parents that are great at co-parenting can fall victim to this game. You and your ex have to make sure this doesn’t happen to you and your child(ren). That behavior takes the focus of the holiday away from your child and spending time together. If one of you buys your child a puppy, a new video gaming system, and a big-screen TV and the other buys a few toys, feelings are likely to be hurt. The spouse who buys the big gifts often does not realize he or she is hurting the other parent and thinks they are simply making the child happy. However, if you’re the spouse who doesn’t splurge, you might end up feeling like you’ve failed your child or she will love the other parent more. Avoid this situation but having that gift giving conversation ahead of time; set a dollar limit or range if you need to. Holidays are hard. It’s important to remember the reason for the season, no matter what holiday you are celebrating. Try to focus yourself and your child on the fact that the holidays are not all about gifts. Spend time together doing holiday crafts, going to services, going to a concert, decorating your home, or baking. Check into age appropriate volunteer opportunities at a local shelters to serve meals to the homeless, packing shoe boxes for children overseas, or volunteer to wrap presents for needy children. Take your child shopping to buy a small gift to give the other parent. 20 years from now your child won’t remember which parent bought them the most gifts, so use this opportunity to show your child that giving back to others is more rewarding than receiving gifts – a life lesson they will remember for years to come.
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184971497According to a Holiday Consumer Spending Survey by Consumer Affairs the average person celebrating Christmas, Kwanzaa and/or Hanukkah will spend $804.42 on gifts this 2014 holiday season. If you are separated or going through a divorce, chances are that figure is simply not feasible for you. The good news is, that is just an estimated average, and for the most part completely unnecessary. The holidays can often be a budget breaker – but they don’t have to be! Saving for the holidays should not start on black Friday! Develop a budget that accounts for gift giving year round. Consider all the holidays, birthdays, and any anniversaries that you typically choose give for. If you have kids, once they are in school they will likely get invited to many birthday parties. You should also account for these occasions and develop a system that works for your budget to allow your child to take a gift to the party. Whether that means stocking up when a popular age-appropriate gift goes on sale, or just having the room in your gift budget to account for these gifts. Often times these party invites may come with less than a week’s notice. Being mindful of your gift giving budget will help you not to blow $50 on a gift on a whim. When you were married, and probably had more disposable income, you may have fell into a gift giving routine that included birthday and Christmas giving to you friends and neighbors and their children. Decide where your gift giving priorities lie, and don’t feel guilty being straightforward and setting lower expectations with people. Giving makes people feel happy, and if that’s the case for you, you don’t need to completely cut back. Look for ideas on Pinterest – handmade gifts go a long way. Find a fun quote that fits your Mom/Aunt/friend/etc., print it off, and put it in a dollar store frame, viola! Dust off a bottle of wine to give to your wine loving friend. Go on a nature walk, find some pine cones and create a holiday wreath. If you like to can foods in the fall, make jam, or bake, those goodies make wonderful gifts! Turn your children’s old broken crayons into brand new fun shapes with the help of inexpensive molds. Find clip art online and create a personalized children’s coloring book using the child’s name throughout the book, which you can print off at home. The possibilities are endless, and inexpensive, handmade gifts don’t look “cheap,” they look thoughtful!
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172708699A friend of mine who knows I am intricately woven into the divorce-planning and alternative dispute resolution circles in the Minneapolis St. Paul metro recently asked me if I knew a certain divorce attorney.  He knew of a person who was not feeling too well about their choice of a divorce attorney.  I told my friend that I did not recognize the name. Being a little curious, I searched the web for this individual. What I found was that family law was one of about eight other areas of law this person practiced.  I wondered just how much family law this attorney does in relationship to all the other practice areas listed.  Little does my friend know, his question inspired my writing this blog post. Would you go to a painter if you needed a new roof?  Would you go to a heart surgeon for a fractured arm?  Hardly, you say. Why is it then when people have decided to end their marriage they first choose to see someone who is not a subject matter expert in the areas causing conflict between them and their spouse?  They want this person to fix all their problems when that person probably does not have all the skill sets to solve all of the issues that present themselves in a divorce.  I would submit that there is no one person who has all the skill sets necessary to effectively deal with all the intricacies of a divorce. Perhaps the conflict is about co-parenting the couple’s children.  Would it make sense to seek out a neutral child specialist to help the parents sort out the rough spots and more importantly benefit their children for years and really for their lifetime?  Maybe the conflict is over financial matters.  You would think a neutral financial specialist would be able to offer the most value to the couple in those situations.  A couple not able to communicate effectively may benefit the most by seeing a neutral divorce relationship coach who can help both spouses manage their emotions which in turn frees up the flexible thinking they will need as they work through getting unmarried.  If legal questions arise, you would think an attorney who primarily works in family law matters would be the best resource. What I have described above is the client centered team model approach to a collaborative divorce.  A team of professional experts in their own subject matter areas working for you and your family’s behalf.   If you would like to learn more about this respectful and dignified way to divorce without court click on www.collaborativelaw.org to check it out.