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…easier said than done. The tension to which I refer is the tension inherent in maintaining a balance between keeping our children secure, making sure they have a safety net while simultaneously maintaining enough distance that we are able to accommodate their developing need for autonomy and independence. At every developmental stage there are tasks to be accomplished, skills to be mastered so that our children can move to the next stage with confidence and competence. If we attain that balance, our children will find themselves thriving in just the right “holding environment.” Just as we swaddle and hold infants to keep them comfortable and content, parenting older children requires that we hold them metaphorically

This task is challenging under the best of family circumstances, let alone when the family system itself is under increased duress. Such are the times of conflict, separation, or divorce. During these periods, children feel the added tension, often worry about their parents, and may be concerned about what will happen next.

Very young children, who miss very little and tend to misinterpret most of it, may understand only happy or sad, safe or scared, protected or hurt, accepted or rejected, loved or unloved. During the preschool years, children are just learning about relationships while having little experience with them and only a very concrete context in which to understand them. In addition to the basic love and affection needed by all of us, children require limits and boundaries, a pattern of behavior to follow. They rely on simple, clear routines and guidelines and a safe environment for exploration in order to grow cognitively and socially. All of these may be interrupted during times of high family stress and parental conflict or separation. They need adults to help them delay gratification, to reinforce self-calming strategies, to help them learn to manage their impulsivity, and to provide calmness and consistency. To help them move on, we must let them move around, fall down, make mistakes, and get up. We must help them learn the difference between what is theirs and what isn’t, whether we are talking about physical space, personal boundaries, or possessions. When parents are focused on each other in a less-than-wholesome manner or on themselves out of worry and self-protection, they may have less time and energy for positive parenting. In the author’s experience, young children who have been asked to draw a picture of Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house and the way between them most frequently draw pictures of roads with monsters, fire, and other hazards.

In the early elementary grades, children continue to need warmth, affection, and nurturing. However, teachers do not provide the same amount of physical closeness that parents do. Their nurturing comes more in the form of their encouragement and praise, their guidance and challenging of the children’s interests. Society continues to expect delay of gratification and impulse control. In maintaining a somewhat greater distance than parents, teachers help the children to set their own boundaries in the classroom community.  At the same time, children in families with emotional distress may act out rather than express their feelings and have increasing behavioral difficulty at school.  These children are involved in the task of identification, being “like” Mommy or Daddy. How does what they witness between their parents impact their sense of themselves? In one picture drawn for the artist, a child who was asked to draw a picture of Mommy, Daddy, and herself, drew a red Mommy, a blue Daddy, and herself half of each color. Imagine what the parent can learn who asserted that it didn’t impact their daughter if she heard them make scathing comments about the other parent. It is important for children to have adults model appropriate expression of feelings, teach the difference between what is “true” and what is “not true,” to help the children with acquiring basic self-advocacy skills and to reinforce the concept of compromise. They need us to model appropriate social behavior, to enforce rules, and to expect from them responsibility for their choices, their actions, and their possessions. In helping them move on, we work with them to explore their role in the family and the school community, to clarify their relationships with peers and adults, and to understand the kindness and reciprocity in true friendship.

In the later grades of elementary school,  children’s developmental tasks include building their social skills repertoire, developing stronger peer relations and more consistent groups of friends, and assuming increasing responsibility in tasks and relationships. To provide an appropriate holding environment during these years, parents and teachers acknowledge and promote self-sufficiency, competence, and role definition. We hold children responsible for their own feelings and their own behavior, and we appropriately reinforce the authority of adults in the home and school communities. These tasks cannot be accomplished successfully when children have anxiety, deep sadness, sleeplessness, or what they may perceive to be anger at them. These children may not understand the difference between having a voice or a vote in family decisions and may experience very strong confusion and a divided sense of loyalty or may perceive one parent to be all good and the other to be all bad.

Even stages of adolescent and young adult development can impacted by having parents who are separating or divorcing. Adolescents may tend to vote with their feet or have a sense of empowerment that belies their age and development. Maintaining stability in an environment flooded by a hormonal potage can challenge the best developmental expert.

The “growing” of loving, competent, and happy adults begins at birth. We hold our children as they develop, allow them to make mistakes and learn lessons, encourage them to enhance self-esteem. We challenge them to become their best selves by providing optimal frustration, expectations for personal responsibility and accountability, and the luxury of time and patience while they learn who they can become. When they decide they can ride alone on their bike to the corner, we encourage them to ride all the way around the block and greet them on their return with a high five and a hug. We prepare them for their lives ahead by protecting them only so much on their journey. Slowly but surely, we allow them to be exposed to the frustrations and challenges of day-to-day living so that they can demonstrate resilience, competence, and satisfaction with themselves and the rest of their intimate community.

In Collaborative Divorce, parents receive additional support and encouragement they need together from a team on which they have worked together toward preserving as many of their hopes and dreams for their children as possible. They have the opportunity to acquire additional information and skills related not only to negotiation and conflict resolution, affective expression, communication, and child development. They have the opportunity to work together in a monitored and mediated process to enhance not only their children’s development, but their own as well. The autonomy, management, and decision-making are theirs and theirs alone, supported by competent, informed, and caring professionals working with them on their team.

About the Author

Gay is a CLI-MN member working in eclectic and inspired ways to support children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families through the typical and extreme challenges they may face in their lives. She is committed to preventing high conflict divorce and the related impact on children and parents. Gay says that she does this work because, “I love the opportunity to work as part of a team in leading families to and supporting them in wellness, in life-giving transactions and interactions; the opportunity to work toward their emotional health and well-being now and in the future of the children of our community”.

Gay Rosenthal, MA, LP
Psychologist/ Mental Health Professional
612-237-6547 | gay_rosenthal@me.com
https://rosenthal-psychology.com

 

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Divorce after 50 involves a different set of financial stakes than divorce earlier in life. There’s less runway to rebuild retirement savings, more complexity in how assets have grown over decades, and often a spouse who has been out of the workforce far longer than anyone planned for. Most of the decisions in a divorce settlement can be revisited or adjusted over time. A handful cannot. Getting those few right, the first time, matters more than almost anything else in the process.

This holds true no matter which path a couple takes to get there. Whether the case is mediated, handled collaboratively, or litigated with each spouse independently represented, the financial mechanics underneath the settlement don’t change. Here are five decisions worth slowing down for, regardless of which room the conversation happens in.

  1. Not knowing your post-divorce budget

Almost everything else in a gray divorce settlement depends on this one, which is exactly why it tends to get shortchanged. Most people, married or not, don’t have a clear picture of where their money goes each month. That’s a manageable gap during a marriage. It becomes a much bigger problem when someone needs to prove, with real numbers, what they need to live on going forward, especially for the spouse who hasn’t been the one handling the household finances.

In Minnesota this support is called spousal maintenance (some states use the term alimony; it’s the same concept). Need must be demonstrated, and the other spouse must have the ability to pay. A spouse who underestimates their future budget, or who waives maintenance without a realistic number behind that decision, often can’t go back and ask for it later. In some settlements that waiver is permanent. Others are structured as reserved, meaning maintenance could still be modified later if certain conditions are met, but that’s not something to assume without it being spelled out clearly in the decree. If the money runs out five or ten years down the road, a permanent waiver is usually the end of the road, and inflation only accelerates how fast a fixed amount of savings loses ground.

This same budget also drives the decision about the house, whether Social Security timing matters yet, and how to fairly divide accounts with very different tax treatments. Even when maintenance isn’t part of the conversation, a realistic budget built before the settlement is signed, rather than guessed at afterward, is one of the more valuable things a divorcing spouse can walk into negotiations with.

  1. Dividing assets without accounting for the tax bill

Not all assets are taxed the same way when they’re divided, and treating a dollar in one account as equivalent to a dollar in another is one of the more common and costly mistakes in a settlement.

A 401(k) or a private-employer pension requires a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO), a separate court order that must be drafted correctly and approved before any portion moves to a former spouse without penalty. Government, municipal, and military pensions use a similar but differently named order, since QDROs are specifically a private-sector concept; the mechanics are similar, but the terminology and the plan administrator’s rules differ. IRAs work differently still and don’t use either type of order; they’re divided through a direct transfer incident to divorce. The distinction matters because if the account owner withdraws or cashes out funds themselves instead of transferring them properly, the owner, not the receiving spouse, is the one who owes the tax and any early withdrawal penalty. This catches people off guard often enough that it’s worth stating plainly: whoever pulls the money out is the one who pays for it.

Brokerage accounts carry their own consideration, since assets with significant embedded capital gains can trigger a tax bill whenever they’re eventually sold, even though the split itself may be tax-free at the time of transfer. And the shift in filing status itself, from married filing jointly to single or head of household, compresses the income brackets each spouse now falls into, which changes the real, after-tax value of every account in the settlement. None of this needs to be resolved perfectly in the moment, but it needs to be on the table before assets are divided, not discovered afterward.

  1. Keeping the home without running the full numbers

The marital home is often the largest asset in a settlement, and the decision to keep it or sell it tends to get made emotionally long before it gets made financially. One spouse, often the one who wants to stay for stability or the children’s sake, may not have the ability to refinance the mortgage or buy out the other spouse’s share of the equity on their own.

The tax picture matters too. The capital gains exclusion on a home sale is $250,000 for a single filer and $500,000 for a married couple filing jointly, so whether the home is sold while still married or after the divorce is final can meaningfully change the tax outcome. And when one spouse keeps the home while the other receives an equivalent dollar amount in retirement accounts, that’s rarely an apples-to-apples trade; retirement dollars carry an embedded tax liability that home equity doesn’t, so a fair comparison requires tax-effecting both sides of that trade rather than comparing raw balances.

Underneath all of it is the budget question from the first section: can this person afford the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and upkeep on their post-divorce income? Sometimes the answer is yes. Often, running the full numbers reveals that keeping the house becomes a financial drag that outweighs the emotional value of staying, and selling turns out to be the more stable long-term choice.

  1. Claiming Social Security before running the numbers

If a marriage lasted ten years or longer, a former spouse may be eligible to claim Social Security benefits based on the other spouse’s earnings record, sometimes resulting in a higher monthly benefit than claiming on their own work history would provide. That same ten-year marker also opens the door to survivor benefits if the former spouse later passes away, which follow a different set of rules and can pay meaningfully more than the spousal benefit alone. There’s more strategy available here than most people realize: it’s sometimes possible to claim one benefit, survivor or retirement, while letting the other keep growing through delayed retirement credits, worth roughly 8% a year up to age 70, then switch to the larger benefit later. Getting that sequencing right depends entirely on the numbers and circumstances involved, and claiming the wrong way, or at the wrong time, can permanently close off the more valuable option. This is worth modeling out well before the benefit is needed, not in the months leading up to it.

  1. Letting beneficiaries and estate documents lag behind the divorce

This is the most common oversight, and one of the hardest to undo after the fact. Life insurance policies, retirement accounts, wills, powers of attorney (both financial and healthcare), healthcare directives, and trusts often still reflect a marriage that’s already ended, simply because updating them wasn’t part of anyone’s checklist.

Minnesota has a revocation-on-divorce statute that generally cancels a former spouse’s beneficiary designation once the divorce is final. It’s a useful backstop, but it shouldn’t be treated as a substitute for updating these documents directly. Statutes vary by state, coverage gaps exist, and the smarter, more reliable move is always to update beneficiaries and estate planning documents yourself in the weeks after a settlement, not to rely on a law to sort it out later. If something happens before that update is made, it usually can’t be undone.

Why this matters regardless of process

None of these five decisions depend on whether a divorce is mediated, collaborative, or litigated. They depend on whether someone with financial expertise is looking closely at the numbers before paperwork gets signed, starting with a realistic budget and carrying through every account, asset, and document that touches it. That’s true whether that expertise sits at the table as a neutral financial professional working with both spouses, or as an advisor supporting one spouse and their attorney through the process.

If you’re the one navigating this transition yourself, it’s worth asking your attorney or financial professional directly whether each of these has been addressed before you sign anything. And if you’re an attorney or mediator working with a client through a gray divorce, these are worth flagging early, well before the settlement is drafted. Once a divorce is entered into the court record, very little of it can be revisited, aside from modifiable items like child support or spousal maintenance review, and ongoing compliance between the parties. That’s exactly why these five decisions are worth getting right the first time.

Mike Miller, CFP®, CDFA®, is the founder of Integra Shield Financial Group and a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. He works with individuals and families navigating retirement and divorce transitions. Anyone working through their own gray divorce is welcome to reach out. So are family law professionals looking for a financial resource for clients.

Advisory Services offered through Cambridge Investment Research Advisors, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor. Securities offered through Cambridge Investment Research Inc., a Broker/Dealer, Member FINRA/SIPC. Integra Shield Financial Group and Cambridge are not affiliated. Neither Cambridge nor Integra Shield Financial Group provide legal or tax advice.

About the Author

Mike Miller, CFP®, CDFA®, is the founder of Integra Shield Financial Group in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, and a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. He works with individuals and couples navigating retirement, gray divorce, and other major financial transitions, serving at times as a neutral financial professional in mediation and collaborative processes, and at other times as an advocate for one spouse working alongside family law counsel. Mike specializes in retirement income planning, Social Security optimization, and the financial complexities specific to divorce after 50. He’s a frequent speaker and educator on retirement income and financial well-being for both consumer and professional audiences.

Mike Miller, CFP®, CDFA®
Integra Shield Financial Group
Ph: (763) 201-1390
www.integrashieldfinancial.com

 

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One of the biggest mistakes we see during a divorce is trying to protect a low interest rate at all costs.

At first, it sounds like the obvious choice. But let’s see what it really costs.

The Situation

In 2020, you purchased a home with a $350,000 mortgage on a 30-year fixed loan at 3.25%.

Monthly principal and interest payment: About $1,523

Today: Your home is worth $550,000. You are keeping the home. You must pay your former spouse $100,000 for their share of the equity.

Now you have two options.

Option 1: Keep the Low Interest Rate

To avoid refinancing, you withdraw $100,000 from your retirement account.

Your 401(k) originally had $300,000 invested and has been averaging 6% annual growth.

If you leave the money invested, after five years your retirement account would grow to approximately:

$401,000

But after taking out $100,000, you only have $200,000 invested.

After five years, that account grows to only about: $268,000

The Real Cost Five years later…

Retirement account if you leave it alone: About $401,000

Retirement account after withdrawing $100,000: About $268,000

Difference: Approximately $133,000.

Most people focus on the fact that they “only” took out $100,000.

What they don’t see is that five years later, their retirement account is over $130,000 smaller than it could have been.

That’s the true cost of protecting that low mortgage rate.

Option 2: Refinance

Instead, let’s refinance.

Assume your current mortgage balance is about $304,000 and you borrow an additional $100,000 to buy out your former spouse.

New loan: About $404,000

Interest rate: 6.5%

New monthly principal and interest payment: About $2,556

That’s roughly $1,033 more per month than your old payment.

Yes, the payment is higher.

But your retirement account keeps growing.

The Lesson: Interest rates matter. But they aren’t the only number that matters.

We’ve seen many people make decisions based only on keeping a 3% mortgage, without realizing they may be giving up well over $100,000 in retirement savings over the next several years.

Every divorce is different.

Before you cash out your retirement to protect a low interest rate, make sure you’ve compared the true long-term cost of both options.

Sometimes the loan with the higher interest rate leaves you with more wealth in the long run.

About the Author

Dave Jamison is a divorce mortgage strategist and co-owner of Rainbow Mortgage Inc., an independent mortgage brokerage licensed in Minnesota, Florida, and North Dakota. With more than 26 years in residential lending—including 13 years as an underwriter for Fortune 500 mortgage institutions—Dave brings deep, practical expertise to complex divorce-related real estate matters.

What sets Dave apart is his underwriting foundation. Rather than approaching cases from a sales perspective, he evaluates them through the lens of how loans are actually approved—income calculations, debt ratios, reserve requirements, and documentation standards. This allows him to assess feasibility early in the divorce process, helping prevent refinance provisions that later fail and ensuring agreements align with real-world lending guidelines.

Dave and his wife, Gale, founded Rainbow Mortgage Inc. in 1999, initially serving borrowers with complex financial situations. In 2004, he began specializing in divorce mortgage planning, applying his expertise to support attorneys, mediators, and financial neutrals. Since then, he has spent more than two decades helping collaborative teams structure realistic refinance timelines, evaluate buyout options, and avoid post-decree mortgage breakdowns.

He is particularly skilled in analyzing self-employed income, support income, and multi-property scenarios—areas where legal and financial assumptions often diverge from underwriting standards. Known for his calm, direct, and non-adversarial approach, Dave provides clear, objective guidance that supports durable agreements.

David Jamison
Rainbow Mortgage, Inc.
Ph: 952-405-2090
www.RainbowMortgageInc.com

 

 

 

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July in Minnesota is the best!  The craziness of June slows a bit, and the summer, as we think of it here in the Midwest, kicks in to high-gear: it’s hot and humid, you have to constantly weed your garden, and the #1 thing to talk about is…the forecast, whether it’s good, bad, or just downright ugly.  We spend as much time as we can outside, hold on to those last glimmers of sunlight at 9:30, and finally retire inside with rosy cheeks and shoulders from forgetting to reapply sunscreen.  People are happier, Minnesota nice is even nicer, and there’s a palpable, upbeat energy everywhere you turn.

I have always loved the 4th of July holiday: growing up, it was a time to gather with friends, family, and neighbors, watch parades, slurp popsicles, run around in the sprinkler or slip ‘n’ slide, watch fireworks, and end the evening trying to catch fireflies.  For many families, it’s time for an extended family reunion, or perhaps camping, boating on the river, fishing in one of our many lakes, or going up north to the family cabin.

Often, holiday traditions of one generation pass to the next, and it’s important to honor those traditions if they are important to you.  If you are divorced, and a certain holiday holds special meaning, you can still carry out those traditions with your kids.  There’s no law that says you have to equally share or alternate holidays.  Obviously, if the holiday has special meaning to both parents, then share the time or alternate years.  For some people, the 4th of July is a HUGE holiday; for others, Memorial Day weekend is THE summer holiday and kick-off to summer, while the 4th is more chill.  An option, then is to exchange those holidays; rather, one parent always gets Memorial Day weekend and the other parent gets the 4th of July (it’s turned into a three-day weekend, even if it doesn’t fall on the weekend). 

It’s easy to fall into the default, every-other-year holiday schedule, but that might not be the best idea.  It might take a little time, but consider getting creative with the holiday schedule.  The younger your kids are, the longer the parenting plan and holiday schedule will be in place.  If you are mindful of the ages and stages of your kids and the holiday traditions of your family and your co-parent’s family, the holiday schedule could be a roadmap that helps with planning and organizing your life.

And if the 4th isn’t your thing and your kids are with your co-parent, then consider the early July holiday truly Independence Day.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

SAVE THE DATE!

Dates: Three full-days basic training + Tune-up in September.
Thursday, April 22, 2027 (Happy Hour end of day Thursday scheduled for attendees at location TBD)
Friday, April 23, 2027
Friday, April 30, 2027
Time: 8:30-4:30 (Detailed timing and agenda TBD)
Location:  Edina, MN 55435 (Training room to be determined)

*Attendees must attend all sessions in order to complete the training and satisfy CLI membership and CE requirements.

Attendance Fees:
Members of CLI MN:
CLI MN members who have NOT taken this training before: $350
CLI MN members who have taken this training but would like a refresher: $150 (Please email cli@collaborativelaw.org for your registration code for this pricing.)
CLI MN Student members: $200.00
CLI MN Emeritus: $0
CLI MN Annual Partners: $350.00

Non-CLI MN members: $645
Not a member of CLI MN? (You will have the option of joining CLI MN at the selected member category rate and then attending the basic training for $350)
Student – Not a member of CLI: $200

**Discount Code: If you have a discount code to attend the training, you will enter it prior to checking out.

Continuing Education Credits: Pending approval of 18 Standard credits for: CLE, Board of Psychology, and LMFT. A certificate of attendance for self-filling of other credentials will also be provided.

Cancellation: Refunds for registration will be processed if notice of cancellation is received by April 15, 2027.

Note: If fewer than five registrants sign-up for the training, the training will be cancelled and paid registrants will be refunded. Deadline to register is April 15th.

Description:
Day I: Training on collaborative practice principles and fundamentals, the roles of the professionals on the interdisciplinary team, the paradigm shift, protocols of practice, the road map to resolution, and ethics.
Day II: A demonstration of the collaborative model, one involving a neutral coach/facilitator through performances of 13 vignettes depicting a full-team collaborative case from start to almost finish. The vignettes will give detailed insight into the roles of the neutral coach/facilitator, both attorneys, the neutral child specialist, and the neutral financial professional. The different clients in the vignettes present the team with challenging legal, relational, financial, and parenting issues. The performance will be instructive, practical, and hopefully, inspirational. Day 2 is informative for the experienced collaborative practitioner as well as the new collaborative practitioner.

Day III: Focuses on completing a case, advocacy, and ethics in the Collaborative process, what happens when you hit bumps in the road, talking to clients about this process, connecting with your profession and resources to build your practice.

Educational Level: Advanced

Tune-Up Training: September 2027, 9:00 AM – Noon. (Specific date to be determined.) Agenda will be based on a survey of attendees to learn where they feel additional instruction would be most helpful. (This follow-up session may or may not be additional CE credits.)

Training Committee Chairs:
Louise Livesay-Al | louise@thelawshopmn.com
Rebecca Randen | rebecca@randenlaw.com
For questions on registration contact: Sandy Beeson: cli@collaborativelaw.org

 

 

Date: September 24, 2026
Time: 9:00 AM-12 Noon
Location: 7701 France Ave., Edina, MN 55435, Training Room #115A
Who should attend: CLI members who have taken the NCE training within the last five years.
Continuing Education Credits: CE may or may not be available for this training.
No fee to attend, but registration is appreciated.
Description: The tune-up training session will be based on a survey of attendees to learn where they feel additional instruction would be most helpful.
Link to NCE Training Survey: Click here
Training Committee Chairs:
Louise Livesay-Al | louise@thelawshopmn.com
Rebecca Randen | rebecca@randenlaw.com

For questions on registration contact: Sandy Beeson: cli@collaborativelaw.org

 

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In Part 1, we discussed how children seem to know how to play, yet they develop important skills through play.  In Part 2, we identified and explored the seven skills children develop through play.  As a refresher, those skills are:

  1. Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.
  2. Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe.
  3. (Self)-Control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors.
  4. Confidence– to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.
  5. Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.
  6. Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision.
  7. Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

Now, we are going to dive a bit deeper into the 5th skill mentioned above: Collaboration.  Since we are talking about Collaborative Divorce, let’s see how this important skill can positively impact the divorce process.

Webster’s Dictionary defines the verb “collaborate” as follows:

  1. To work jointly with others or together especially in an intellectual endeavor;
  2. To cooperate with or willingly assist an enemy of one’s country and especially an occupying force;
  3. To cooperate with an agency or instrumentality with which one is not immediately connected.

Work together, assist, and cooperate are the common threads.

Collaboration, as a noun, is defined by Webster’s as “the act of collaborating, especially with an enemy or an opposed group rather than struggling or resisting.”

Finally, what does it mean to be collaborative?  Webster’s defines collaborative, an adjective, as “involving or done by two or more people or groups working together: marked or produced by collaboration.”

Now that we have the definition of the various forms, let’s break collaboration down as a verb and look at the definition as it relates to divorce. 

To Collaborate:

  1. To work jointly with others, especially in an intellectual endeavor. Collaborative Divorce requires working with your spouse and your spouse’s attorney, which is an intellectual endeavor, to be sure.  If human beings begin to learn this skill in early childhood (a child trade’s a toy truck for a motorcycle) then adults can surely negotiate the exchange of more cash for less retirement, for example. 
  2. To cooperate with or willingly assist an enemy of one’s country and especially an occupying force. Yes, a traditional, contentious, winner-takes-all divorce would pit the soon-to-be divorced couple squarely in opposite corners of the ring.  The marital partnership quickly devolves to enemies in mortal combat.  Nonetheless, if the marital “enemies” can reframe their thinking and work together, they can create an outcome better than any court imposed solution.  This paradigm shift would allow the soon-to-be former spouses to work together for their own benefit, i.e., I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.  Or in divorce terms, “You can have the Waterford crystal since your family is from Ireland, and I’d like the Wedgewood dinnerware since I have family in England.”
  3. To cooperate with an agency or instrumentality with which one is not immediately connected. The emotional bond of marriage no longer exists, and while the couple is still married, the disconnection from a legal perspective is imminent.  While the couple may think they have no reason to continue their relationship, their cooperation during the process sets the tone for the first step in their “new life.”  Collaborating rather than litigating and fighting is crucial to moving forward, particularly if they have children.

While the idea of learning how to and implementing collaborative skills as a child to get a certain toy seems counterintuitive, and downright outlandish in divorce, deep down we know it makes sense.  How often did you hear growing up, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”  Divorce (and society in general) is drenched in vinegar.  It’s time for honey (or sugar).  There’s nothing wrong with being nice.  We teach young children to play nice, and we want them to be nice.  Let’s also set that standard for adults. 

In Collaborative Divorce, not only do the spouses work together, but the entire team, including the attorneys, works together.  We are all…nice.  (Pass the honey, please.)  It really does work.  When the focus is on accomplishing a common goal and everyone brings their best self and creative energy to the room, great things emerge.  Settlements not only happen, but they are created in a healthier, calmer space.

Collaborating in divorce is a paradigm shift, no doubt.  Our society loves a good legal drama and War of the Roses is no exception.  However, if young children understand the importance of cooperation and collaboration even when they don’t agree, grown-ups surely can muster the wherewithal to be respectful to their spouse in the process.  The partners can choose to reframe the divorce so that common interests and goals can be achieved by both partners in divorce.

Part 4 will take a deeper dive into the above, as it relates to the mindset of collaborating during divorce.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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In January of 2022, mortgage interest rates began their sharpest increase since the early 1980s. While this has not only increased the monthly cost of a mortgage payment for the same loan amount, the severity of the increase has had a lock-in effect for people with current interest rates in the 2% and 3% range who are reluctant to move if they don’t have to.

The increase in rates has pushed much of the buyer demand to the sidelines, but since very few have opted to sell, the housing market has remained surprisingly resilient. Prior to the increase in rates, there was a housing supply shortage creating an extreme seller’s market where buyers frequently paid well over list price. While home appreciation has slowed, values in many areas have continued to hold up because inventory remains limited.

In the divorce world, higher mortgage rates have made it more difficult to “uncouple” the mortgage. Refinancing to remove an ex-spouse’s name and pull out equity to pay a marital settlement has become much more costly than it was just a few years ago. Navigating these nuances has made it difficult for attorneys, mediators, and divorcing clients.

Cooperation Matters More Than Ever

High conflict between spouses makes divorce more difficult and more expensive. The same is true when trying to separate ownership and responsibility for the marital home.

Fortunately, there are many situations where aligning incentives can overcome conflict. For example, if the exiting spouse wants their marital settlement from the home’s equity, they may be willing to sign a Quit Claim Deed relinquishing their title rights in exchange for receiving those proceeds.

Another example occurs when an exiting spouse will be receiving spousal maintenance. Leaving their name on the existing low-interest-rate mortgage may allow the retaining spouse to keep a substantially lower payment than would be possible through refinancing.

Even when incentives are not perfectly aligned, creative solutions can create a win-win outcome. One example is using a second mortgage to fund a buyout rather than replacing an existing first mortgage with a much higher-rate refinance.

Four Common Mortgage Options During Divorce

When one spouse wishes to keep the home and equity must be divided, there are generally four primary options to consider.

Option 1: Remove the Exiting Spouse Through a Qualifying Name Delete Assumption (QNDA) and Obtain a Second Mortgage

A Qualifying Name Delete Assumption allows one borrower to be removed from an existing mortgage while keeping the original loan terms intact.

This option is commonly used when the exiting spouse wants their name removed from the mortgage and the loan servicer allows assumptions.

However, before relying on this option, several questions should be answered:

  • Will the retaining spouse qualify under the servicer’s guidelines?
  • What debt-to-income ratio does the servicer allow?
  • Will the borrower qualify for the second mortgage needed to fund the buyout?
  • How long will the QNDA process take?

Unlike a refinance, a QNDA often takes one to four months and processing timelines can vary significantly among servicers.

Option 2: Leave the Exiting Spouse on the Existing Mortgage and Obtain a Second Mortgage

When a QNDA is not available—or even when it is—leaving the exiting spouse on the current mortgage can be an effective solution.

This option preserves the low interest rate on the existing first mortgage while providing access to equity through a second mortgage.

The three most common concerns from the exiting spouse are:

Concern #1: I Need My Name Removed So I Can Purchase Another Home

In many cases, a properly drafted divorce decree can address this concern. Mortgage debt can often be excluded from debt-to-income calculations when the decree clearly assigns responsibility for the payment and includes hold harmless language.

Concern #2: I’m Worried Missed Payments Will Damage My Credit

If the mortgage payment is missed, both parties’ credit can be impacted. However, attorneys can build safeguards into the agreement such as:

  • Online access to verify payments
  • Monthly payment confirmations
  • Notification requirements if a payment is late

Trust and cooperation remain important, but practical protections can reduce risk.

Concern #3: How Long Will My Name Stay on the Mortgage?

Many parties agree that the name will remain on the loan until a future event occurs. Common examples include:

  • One to two years passing
  • Interest rates reaching a specified level
  • The retaining spouse qualifying for a refinance

This flexibility often creates a workable compromise.

Option 3: Refinance and Pay the Marital Settlement

When the exiting spouse requires their name removed and a QNDA is unavailable, refinancing may still be the best option.

Although today’s rates are higher, refinancing offers several advantages:

  • Removes the exiting spouse from the mortgage
  • Provides funds for the marital settlement
  • Allows higher debt-to-income ratios than some assumption programs
  • Removes uncertainty regarding future qualification

While the monthly payment may increase, the simplicity and certainty of the transaction often outweigh the disadvantages.

Option 4: Sell the Home

Sometimes neither spouse can—or wants to—keep the property.

In those situations, selling the home and dividing the proceeds according to the divorce decree may be the most practical path forward.

This option can also be beneficial when one spouse plans to purchase a new home while the other plans to rent. With proper drafting, attorneys can structure the settlement so the purchasing spouse receives their share of proceeds before closing on the sale, allowing them to qualify for their next home without waiting for the transaction to be completed.

Where Are Mortgage Rates Headed?

Forecasting rates is always difficult.

The Federal Reserve raised rates aggressively to combat inflation, and while inflation has moderated from its peak, economic conditions continue to evolve. Generally speaking, if inflation continues to decline and economic growth slows, mortgage rates may gradually move lower.

The timing and magnitude of future rate reductions remain uncertain, but many economists expect rates to eventually trend downward from current levels.

What Does This Mean for the Housing Market?

The housing market remains heavily influenced by inventory shortages.

Even though higher rates reduced buyer demand, many homeowners with mortgages in the 2% and 3% range have chosen not to sell. This has limited available inventory and helped support home values.

If rates decline meaningfully, buyer demand will likely increase. The question becomes whether enough homeowners decide to sell to offset that demand.

For divorcing clients, this environment presents an interesting opportunity. Purchasing a home while rates are elevated may mean less competition and greater negotiating power. If rates eventually decline, refinancing later may become an option.

Final Thoughts

Higher mortgage rates have undoubtedly complicated divorce-related housing decisions. However, they have also created opportunities for more creative settlement structures.

Whether through a QNDA, a second mortgage, a refinance, or a sale, there are often more options available than clients initially realize.

Understanding these alternatives early in the divorce process allows attorneys, mediators, and clients to make informed decisions that balance financial realities with long-term goals.

Every divorce is unique, and mortgage strategy should be evaluated as carefully as any other aspect of the settlement process.

To learn more or discuss a specific case, contact Brett Leschinsky.

About the Author

Brett Leschinsky is a Divorce Mortgage Specialist with Resource Mortgage. For over 15 years he has helped clients, attorneys, and mediators navigate the complex intersection of mortgage financing and divorce. Brett specializes in analyzing settlement options involving the marital home, spousal maintenance income, equity buyouts, refinancing strategies, and mortgage qualification issues before, during, and after divorce. He works closely with family law professionals to help clients make informed housing and financial decisions throughout the divorce process.

Brett Leschinsky
Sr Mortgage Consultant, Divorce Mortgage Specialist
Resource Mortgage
612.590.7896 | brett@mortgageforest.com
mortgageforest.com

 

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I hear some version of this almost every week:  “I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. I don’t think it even matters.”

The person sitting across from me is genuinely exhausted. Not “we had a rough month” exhausted. I mean battle-worn, hope-thinning, seriously-wondering-why-they-bother exhausted. They’ve read the books. They’ve had the hard conversations — or tried to. They feel invisible in their own relationship.

And they’re not wrong that something is broken.

But here’s the thing I notice pretty quickly. While they can describe their partner’s patterns in precise detail — the dismissiveness, the defensiveness, the way every serious conversation somehow becomes about something that happened in 2019 — they don’t have a clear enough picture about what they themselves do when things go sideways. And they don’t yet fully see how much influence they still have over the part they do control.

Which is exactly where the work gets interesting.

I’m thinking about one man who came in certain that his wife simply didn’t really care about working on things. He’d tried bringing it up calmly. He’d tried not bringing it up at all. He’d started doing more around the house, planning date nights, being more patient. Nothing shifted. She was the problem. He had tried everything.

When I asked what happened in the moments things got tense, he paused.

“I get loud, sometimes,” he said. “I have a tone. I know I do. And then she shuts down completely.”

He knew this wasn’t helping. What he hadn’t quite seen was that his escalation and her shutdown were a perfectly matched pair. They had built a very efficient system together — one that left both of them exhausted and neither of them heard.

He had spent months trying to change her. He had not spent enough time thinking about his half of the equation, and just as importantly, knowing what real accountability looks like.

This is not about blame. Let me be clear about that.

Relationships in distress usually have two people doing their best with a limited set of tools. Some people go silent to avoid making things worse. Some push hard because staying quiet feels like surrendering. Some run the kindness campaign — all the right gestures, all the considerate moves — but never actually say the true things that need to be said. Too aggressive. Too passive. Too careful.

And most people are carrying some resentment they haven’t fully named. Maybe they’ve told themselves it’s fine. Maybe they’re afraid of what saying it out loud would mean. But resentment doesn’t stay quiet. It seeps into ordinary moments. A tone of voice. A flicker of something cold before you’ve even opened your mouth. The benign question that somehow lands like an accusation. Resentment corrupts.

Your partner feels that. Even if they can’t name it.

Here’s why all of this matters — and why I call it power.

When you can see your own patterns clearly, you have something real to work with. Not more effort. Not more trying. More clarity.

Maybe you realize you’ve been avoiding the real conversation because you’re terrified of the answer. Maybe you see that you’ve been keeping score instead of building trust. Maybe you recognize that your forcefulness isn’t strength — it’s fear in a louder outfit.

That awareness changes the game. Because now you know what to actually change.

And that clarity does something else, too. It helps you be truly accountable and make better decisions about what comes next.

Some people do this work and discover they haven’t actually done their part yet. There’s still something to try. They stop working harder and start working smarter.

Others do this work and realize something different: they have already changed. They’ve grown, shifted, tried things that mattered — and they’re still running into the same wall. That realization doesn’t feel good. But it’s useful. It gives them the confidence to make a different kind of decision — one they can stand behind, not one they’ll second-guess for years.

Either way, you leave with something more than you walked in with.

The couples who stay stuck longest are usually the ones who have become experts on each other’s faults and strangers to their own.

It’s an understandable mistake. Pain has a way of narrowing our focus. When we’re hurting, we look outward for explanations.

But the only part of this story you can actually rewrite is yours.

That’s not a limitation. That’s the beginning of the real change.

If any of this resonates with where you are right now, I’d be glad to talk.

About the Author

For more than 25 years, Brian Burns has worked with adults navigating relationship crisis — couples questioning whether to stay together, parents struggling to co-parent after divorce, and individuals uncertain whether therapy can still help. Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of MN Relationship Repair in Woodbury, Minnesota, specializing in couples therapy, Discernment Counseling, Collaborative Divorce coaching, and co-parenting support.

He is especially known for helping couples on the brink of divorce navigate conflict, infidelity, emotional distance, and long-standing relationship patterns. Some arrive hoping to repair the relationship; others are uncertain whether repair is possible. Brian helps couples slow down, better understand what is happening between them, and make thoughtful, informed decisions about their future.

Brian is trained in multiple models of couples therapy and Discernment Counseling. He has served as an Approved Supervisor for the Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family Therapy for more than 20 years and has held leadership roles with the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including Board Director and Co-President.

A self-described “fan of marriage,” Brian brings both honesty and accountability to his work. He is committed to helping couples strengthen relationships whenever possible and, when separation is necessary, guiding families through the process in healthier ways — especially for children.

Brian regularly teaches therapists, attorneys, and other professionals on marriage, conflict, infidelity, co-parenting, and divorce. Outside the office, he enjoys time with his wife, following the adventures of their four adult daughters, reading, and spending time outdoors.

Brian Burns, LMFT
MN Relationship Repair
brian@mnrelationshiprepair.com | 651-505-3418
https://www.mnrelationshiprepair.com/

 

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In Part 1, we talked about how kids just seem to know how to play, and consequently, they develop important skills through play.  As previously mentioned, the Minnesota Children’s Museum in St. Paul has an exhibit, “Seven Powers of Play” where kids create, tinker, and discover, and acquire those skills.  As we become adults, work replaces play, and perhaps some of those skills we learn as children fall to the bottom of our toolbox.  Life happens, but in a divorce, those skills can be THE tools needed for changing your mindset and creating not only a healthy divorce process but a rewarding life post-divorce. 

Those skills are:

  1. Creative thinking
  2. Critical thinking
  3. (Self)-Control
  4. Confidence
  5. Collaboration
  6. Communication
  7. Coordination

Let’s identify them, dig them out, and polish them up.

Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.

This is the paradigm shift and brainstorming phase of the Collaborative Process.  The couple can (literally) shout out their goals and ideas for how they’d like the divorce to move forward and their family life to flow as they uncouple.  For example, what do they want co-parenting to look like both short-term and long-term?  Do parents really need to stay in their on-duty parenting lane, or could they celebrate holidays together?  Contrary to the “typical” divorce and cultural expectations, perhaps they gather for family meals (yes, even after they are divorced!) weekly or monthly.  They stretch their creativity to what they need and want without fear of what society expects of them during and after their divorce. 

Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe. 

After brainstorming, those critical thinking skills are put to the test.  Divorce is a set of issues to be addressed and solved, not a war to be fought and won (or lost).  After all the information is gathered and various options created, the couple analyzes and discerns the best outcome and option for their family unit going forward.  It’s not about who is getting more of the pie; rather, it’s looking at the various parts of the pie and determining which part is preferred.  (I’ll take a buttery graham cracker crust over the Frech silk/chocolate mousse filling anytime.)   

Self-control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors. 

We know what it looks like for a toddler to throw a tantrum, and it takes years of patience (and not giving in to that tantrum) for a child to self-regulate.  During a divorce, it’s not at all unusual for adults to completely lose their cool.  Divorce is emotional, frustrating, and it feels devastating.  We are human and it’s ok to be angry during this time.  Adults, however, need to muster their will to utilize the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, and respond, rather than react, to the situation.  Collaborative professionals can help create a safe space for the couple, and a trained divorce coach can help them regulate their emotions and get them back on track. 

Confidence – to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.

Often, the Collaborative Process helps the couple parent their kids better.  When parents focus on the future and how a structured, yet flexible parenting plan can work for everyone, their ability to co-parent not only increases their confidence for their future but helps them improve their overall self-esteem.  When they feel like they are “doing good” by their kids, everyone wins, and confidence improves.  Clients have reached out to me a year or more after the divorce to tell me their co-parenting relationship is better than they ever imagined it could be.     

Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.

Believe it or not, a divorcing couple has at least one common goal: to ensure that their kids are ok.  Most couples have several common goals, but the foregoing is always at the top.  Even if they have adult children, divorcing couples want to at least be comfortable seeing their former spouse at a family event, like a graduation or wedding.  Collaboration in a divorce is crucial to the future well-being of everyone in the family.  We will dive deeper into this skill in Part 3. 

Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision. 

Shifting communication and using “I” statements is a simple, yet powerful tool for everyone to utilize.  We all need to take ownership of what we say.  If something comes out sideways, common sense dictates clarifying and apologizing.  Nothing can change the energy in a room like a sincere apology.  While that communication style, which might have been lost during the marriage, can be (re)learned, the professionals on the case open the meeting with expectations for everyone.  The goal is that the couple will learn more productive ways of communicating in the future.

Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

I view coordination as a child’s ability to learn and use both large muscle and fine motor skills. Picture the early walker looking like Frankenstein Baby with arms held out and an awkward gait, but wearing the biggest, proudest grin on that precious face.  Or a child learning to skip or ride a bike: they try, fall down, and get back up and do it again.  Eventually, they ride without falling down, and skip with smooth strides.  For adults, this can mean recognizing when they are going to “lose it” and taking a few deep breaths to slow their breathing and heartrate.  This deeper dive into learning about the sympathetic nervous system and the fight, flight, or freeze response, which relates to the ability to self-regulate, as noted above, can be critical during times of stress.  It’s amazing what the human body can achieve.

While it might come as a surprise that the above skills are learned through play during childhood, it shouldn’t be a surprise these skills are vital for healthy adulthood.  Sometimes a marriage doesn’t work.  But that doesn’t mean the people in that marriage don’t work or are somehow broken.  Is it possible the above skills were lost or forgotten?  Yes.  But now is the time to find them, brush up on those skills, and perhaps relearn how to use them. 

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com