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As a little kid growing up in my small town, I remember being a bit confused by the saying, “good fences make good neighbors.”  Almost nobody bothered with fences in my neighborhood except to keep the critters out of their gardens, and everyone seemed neighborly enough.   I came to learn that throughout history, disputes over property lines were not uncommon, and could quickly turn contentious and ugly.  Surveyors were important to help resolve these kinds of conflicts.   A correctly placed fence could help keep the peace.

How does this apply to co-parenting after a divorce or separation?

Though it has been a long time since children were considered property in family law, they still belong to their family and are dependent on the stewardship of parents to nurture and care for them.   As a result of the divorce or separation, how the family works needs to change.  At a time of difficult, conflicting emotions, this can bring disagreements over parenting to the forefront. While under the same roof, parents most likely did not create written clarification of their roles and functions.   Now that circumstances have changed, they will benefit from the creation of a Parenting Plan containing mutual agreements for the future.

A Parenting Plan resolves two important boundary issues that bridge legal and family concerns:  a) Who will make major decisions in the best interests of the children while they are minors and/or legal dependents; and b) What will be an equitable and developmentally appropriate schedule for parenting time, one that may evolve over time as children grow.

Further clarifying details in the Parenting Plan can build proverbial “good fences,” and define specifics for decisions such as parenting time exchanges, holiday arrangements,  how and when parents will engage in co-parenting communication and under what circumstances children can meet their parents’ new significant others.   A child-centered Parenting Plan will also address co-parenting routines and rituals like bedtimes, limiting screentime, sharing responsibility for driving kids to their activities, deciding how children’s birthdays will be celebrated, discussing age-appropriate discipline and more.  A Parenting Plan can and should be tailored to the unique needs of the family.

Underpinning the written plan are the choices parents make about their attitudes, communication tone and behavior toward each other.  Because a divorce or separation can be a relational echo chamber for painful emotions, raw edges and betrayal, trust is often frayed. More than ever, parents need emotional and behavioral “good fences” that will demonstrate good faith and keep their children at the center and out of the middle of conflict.  Here are a few time-tested ideas for shifting from a marriage or intimate partnership into the more businesslike lifelong relationship of effective, respectful and peaceful co-parenting:

  1. Be consistent and reliable. Show up on time, honor and follow through with co-parenting commitments and agreements, and communicate in advance if you need to change the schedule for any reason.
  2. Be courteous and polite. Resist the urge to argue with your co-parent, especially in the hearing range of your children.  Do your part to maintain a calm and emotionally safe space for your kids during parenting time exchanges, and when both parents are attending a child’s event.
  3. Maintain dignity. Remember that verbal disrespect, eye rolling, shaming, name calling and other spiteful behaviors will always erode trust and will likely activate your co-parent’s amygdala (generating a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response).  Understandably, frustration can be hard to avoid, but an activated amygdala is not a good problem solver.  Take a break to clear your head if you feel the impulse to vent in anger, whether in person, by text or online with your co-parent.  If you get triggered by something your co-parent says or does in your presence, you can state your boundary (“I can’t be in this conversation right now”) and end the interaction.
  4. Respect our co-parent’s individuality. Recognize that your co-parent will have their own style and preferences for creating a home base with your children.  Unless a child’s safety is compromised, let go of the urge to try to control the situation at your co-parent’s home.
  5. Recognize that assertiveness is not the same as conflict . When in doubt about a co-parenting issue, ask clarifying questions and use I Statements rather than make assumptions.  Assumptions can easily lead to accusations of fault and blame, and result in the downward spiral that occurs when both parents are triggered.
  6. Be open to resources. Consider divorce coaching, mediation or therapy to help resolve co-parenting disagreements that seem intractable and hard to manage without help.  Don’t wait until the situation has festered and become entrenched into resentment.  Co-parenting is hard work, and you deserve support.

About the Author

Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.

Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com

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By the time many couples reach my office, they are exhausted. Not “we’re struggling to communicate” exhausted. I mean sleeping-on-the-couch, avoiding real conversation, reading lawyer reviews, terrified for the kids, Googling-apartments-at-1:00-AM exhausted.

Often one person, for the first time, is thinking seriously about divorce, while the other is desperately trying to save the marriage. They are sitting on the same couch but 1000 miles apart in their minds. This is one of the darkest moments in a relationship — and one of the hardest situations for therapists to treat well.

Both clients and many couples counselors assume the same thing: if we’re not fully committed to fixing this, what’s the point of seeing a therapist? Others think, “I’ve already tried so hard for so long. I can’t survive trying one more time only to end up back in the same hopeless place again. It will kill me.” And traditional couples therapy often assumes something that simply isn’t true: that both people are equally committed to repairing the relationship.

But many couples are not walking into therapy with a shared agenda. One spouse may be leaning toward the exit while the other is leaning hard toward repair. Underneath that imbalance is usually a painful combination of fear, grief, anger, guilt, hope, and emotional exhaustion — a complexity that deserves to be taken seriously, not rushed past.

In other words: not exactly ideal conditions for “communication skills.”

I remember one husband saying to me:

“I feel like we’re showing up to two completely different meetings.”

Honestly, he was right.

One partner wanted clarity about whether the marriage still had life in it. The other wanted reassurance that divorce was off the table. Those are very different goals, and when therapists miss that reality, sessions can quickly turn into emotional tug-of-war matches.

One spouse feels pressured. The other feels abandoned. The therapist feels stuck. Nobody leaves hopeful.

This is one reason I’ve come to deeply value the Discernment Counseling model. In this approach, the first task is not fixing the marriage, but helping people slow down enough to get clear about what they want to do — and how to do it thoughtfully. That may sound obvious, but emotionally overwhelmed couples rarely slow down on their own. Humans under threat tend to do one of three things:

  • fight
  • flee
  • demand immediate certainty

Unfortunately, major relationship decisions made from panic and desperation are not always the wisest ones.

What Discernment Counseling offers instead is something deceptively simple: a structured pause. A space where neither person is pushed toward a predetermined outcome, but the chance to learn what’s possible for the future.

Some marriages end. Some marriages heal. Some couples realize they need a structured attempt at repair before they can make a final decision with any confidence. Discernment Counseling doesn’t tell you which path to take. It helps you figure out which path actually fits your situation, your history, and your values — and then move forward with intention rather than panic.

One of the most meaningful shifts I see in this work happens when couples stop arguing about the outcome and start becoming curious about the story. How did we get here? What happened between us? What did each of us contribute? What could we do differently if we chose to try? Those conversations feel very different than: “Are we staying together or not?”

And strangely enough, when people stop trying to force immediate resolution, clarity often becomes easier to find.

I sometimes tell couples:   “You do not have to decide the rest of your life this week.”

You can almost feel the nervous systems in the room exhale.

Because couples at this stage are often experiencing what I think of as emotional smoke inhalation. Visibility is poor. Everyone is reacting to pain. When people are scared, they tend to either grip tighter or run faster — and neither response reliably produces wisdom.

The antidote isn’t pressure. It isn’t forced positivity. It’s being genuinely understood in the middle of the mess, and having a process that can hold the complexity of what you’re actually facing.

Even at a relationship’s darkest hour, clarity is still possible. Sometimes reconciliation is too. But both become more likely when couples feel truly heard rather than managed — and when they’re given enough space to move from reactive to reflective.

That kind of space is hard to find on your own. It’s what this work is for.

If any of this resonates with where you are right now, I’d be glad to talk. You don’t have to have it figured out before you call.

About the Author

For more than 25 years, Brian Burns has worked with adults navigating relationship crisis — couples questioning whether to stay together, parents struggling to co-parent after divorce, and individuals uncertain whether therapy can still help. Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of MN Relationship Repair in Woodbury, Minnesota, specializing in couples therapy, Discernment Counseling, Collaborative Divorce coaching, and co-parenting support.

He is especially known for helping couples on the brink of divorce navigate conflict, infidelity, emotional distance, and long-standing relationship patterns. Some arrive hoping to repair the relationship; others are uncertain whether repair is possible. Brian helps couples slow down, better understand what is happening between them, and make thoughtful, informed decisions about their future.

Brian is trained in multiple models of couples therapy and Discernment Counseling. He has served as an Approved Supervisor for the Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family Therapy for more than 20 years and has held leadership roles with the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including Board Director and Co-President.

A self-described “fan of marriage,” Brian brings both honesty and accountability to his work. He is committed to helping couples strengthen relationships whenever possible and, when separation is necessary, guiding families through the process in healthier ways — especially for children.

Brian regularly teaches therapists, attorneys, and other professionals on marriage, conflict, infidelity, co-parenting, and divorce. Outside the office, he enjoys time with his wife, following the adventures of their four adult daughters, reading, and spending time outdoors.

Brian Burns, LMFT
MN Relationship Repair
brian@mnrelationshiprepair.com | 651-505-3418
https://www.mnrelationshiprepair.com/

 

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I love museums, and fortunately, so does my family.  When my kids were little, my husband and I often took them to the Minnesota Children’s Museum in St. Paul.  In addition to the exhibits, the Museum has ways for kids to just be.  I loved watching my kiddos create, tinker, discover, and play.  The “Seven Powers of Play,” developed by the Museum, are core developmental benefits that children acquire through play.  As I observed their little imaginations running wild, it struck me (and bears repeating) that we all need to play.  Throughout the Museum, families could discover fun facts, quotes, and ideas, along with boards that listed a separate “power” of play:

  1. Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.
  2. Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe.
  3. (Self)-Control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors.
  4. Confidence– to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.
  5. Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.
  6. Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision.
  7. Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

So, all of you who are parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles can appreciate this list, right?  Play is powerful!  In “Our World” a Minnesota “city” is set up in the Museum so the kiddos can shop at the farmer’s market, get packages ready for mailing at the post office, pretend to drive a fire truck, create signs, and so on.  The “Powers of Play No. 5, Collaboration” board really caught my eye in this area.  On it was the following:

Skills in Action:

  • Cooperating with others to identify and pursue a common goal
  • Showing compassion and sympathy
  • Asking thoughtful questions and making connections

Power the Play

  • Encourage children to try out new roles
  • Let a child’s story unfold naturally
  • Add a plot twist: “What would happen if…?

Hmmm…if young children can learn and apply collaborative skills, then surely adults can, right?

So, taking a lesson from the Children’s Museum, we will dive a bit deeper in Part 2 and take these skills and powers to see how they can fit into a Collaborative divorce.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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When Minnesota couples choose Collaborative Divorce, they are choosing a process designed to resolve divorce without court, without escalation, and without unnecessary financial damage. At the center of this process is a role many people have never heard of—but one that often makes a significant difference in long-term outcomes: the Financial Neutral. A Financial Neutral does not advocate for one spouse over the other. Instead, the role is to provide objective, forward-looking financial guidance so both individuals can make informed decisions that support long-term stability. Many Financial Neutrals hold advanced credentials such as Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®) and Certified Financial Planner™ (CFP®), bringing a deeper level of financial insight to the collaborative process.

In Minnesota, Collaborative Divorce is a voluntary, non-litigation process where each spouse retains their own collaboratively trained attorney, a Financial Neutral is jointly engaged, and in many cases a parenting or mental health professional is included to support communication and family dynamics. Everyone involved commits to resolving issues outside of court. The Financial Neutral works for the process—not for either party—providing unbiased financial analysis, translating complex financial information into clear and understandable options, ensuring transparency and accuracy, and keeping the focus on long-term outcomes rather than short-term positioning.

The role of the Financial Neutral becomes especially important in gray divorce, which continues to rise across Minnesota. For couples over 50, financial decisions often carry permanent consequences. Many are navigating retirement that is already underway or approaching, pensions, 401(k)s, IRAs, and Social Security benefits, as well as long-held real estate and healthcare considerations such as Medicare and insurance transitions. A Financial Neutral helps couples understand not just how assets are divided, but how each decision impacts lifetime income, taxes, and long-term financial independence.

Within the collaborative process, the Financial Neutral brings clarity to complex financial decisions by preparing clear summaries of assets and debts, developing post-divorce cash flow and budget projections, and presenting side-by-side settlement scenarios. This allows both spouses to work from the same set of information and make decisions based on facts rather than fear. In Minnesota, where equitable division does not always mean equal and equal does not always lead to equal outcomes, the Financial Neutral plays a critical role in evaluating retirement sustainability, Social Security strategies, tax implications, and long-term healthcare costs. The focus is not simply on dividing assets, but on ensuring both individuals can maintain financial stability after the divorce.

Because the Financial Neutral is jointly retained, the process often reduces conflict, time, and overall cost. There is one shared financial analysis, fewer outside experts are needed, and less time is spent disputing numbers. This can significantly reduce legal fees and improve efficiency for both spouses. Just as importantly, the Financial Neutral supports better decision-making during what is often a stressful and emotional transition. By slowing the process enough to allow for thoughtful and informed decisions, the Financial Neutral helps ensure outcomes are aligned with long-term goals, which is particularly important in long-term marriages.

Collaborative Divorce in Minnesota is a team-based approach. The Financial Neutral works alongside collaboratively trained family law attorneys, and often with mental health or communication professionals, to support both spouses together. This integrated model helps align legal, financial, and emotional considerations so they work together rather than in opposition. As a result, many Minnesota couples choose Collaborative Divorce because it preserves assets that might otherwise be spent on litigation, encourages transparency and trust, allows for customized solutions rather than court-imposed outcomes, and supports respectful communication throughout the process.

Divorce does not have to be a financial battle. With the right structure and professional support, it can be a carefully planned transition. A Financial Neutral helps clarify complex financial decisions, reduce unnecessary conflict and cost, protect retirement and long-term financial security, and support informed, durable agreements. For many Minnesota families, Collaborative Divorce offers a respectful, non-litigation path forward that honors both the financial and emotional realities of divorce.

If you are considering divorce in Minnesota and want to better understand how Collaborative Divorce or mediation works—especially from a financial perspective—a conversation can be a helpful place to start. You don’t need to have everything figured out. You just need a place to begin. If it feels helpful, you’re welcome to schedule a confidential conversation to explore your options.

About the Author

Michelle Leisen, CFP®, CDFA® is the founder of Divorce Smart and a member of the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute. With over 27 years of experience in financial planning and investment management, she serves as a Financial Neutral in Collaborative Divorce, helping couples navigate complex financial decisions with clarity and confidence. Michelle brings a thoughtful, client-centered approach, translating financial details into practical options that support long-term stability—especially in gray divorce. She holds a degree from the University of Minnesota and attended William Mitchell School of Law.

Michelle Leisen, CDFA®, CFP®
Mediator, Financial Neutral
Divorce Smart LLC
michelle@wealthplanninggroupmn.com | 612-419-9956
https://www.mydivorcesmart.com

 

 

 

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Child Inclusive Mediation is a process that allows children to have a voice in the divorce process.  In Child Inclusive Mediation, divorcing parents and their attorneys bring in two professionals, one an experienced mediator, and the other a trained mental health professional that has experience working with children.  That mental health professional will meet with the child or children of the divorcing parents, separately and one-on-one with the child, and outside of the mediation process.  That mental health professional then attends the mediation, along with the mediator, divorcing parents, and parents’ attorneys.  At the mediation, the mental health professional shares what he or she learned from speaking with the children about how they are navigating the divorce, the good things they experience at each parent’s house, the concerns they have at each parent’s house, and their hopes and desires for what the best schedule looks like to them.  The parties and the mediator, along with their attorneys, then mediate to seek a resolution that is in their child’s or children’s best interests, based on the information shared from the mental health professional.

While children do not make decisions about a parenting plan, rather parents do, a child’s voice can have strong weight as to what schedule will be implemented by parents.  Often parents are not aware of their own child’s wishes or desires, either because the parent hasn’t heard the child express them, or because the child is afraid to express them out of fear of hurting a parent.  The Child Inclusive Mediation can be a safe place for the child to share his or her feelings, without having to confront a parent or tell a parent directly.

Often parents ask, “well when can my child have a voice?” or “how old does my child have to be before he or she gets a say in parenting time?”.  Minnesota Statutes do not provide a bright line strict age for when children get a say in parenting time, but there is a general consensus that once a child reaches teenage years (13), that child is generally of sufficient age to express a preference.  Expression of a preference does not equate to that is what will be implemented by parents or the Court, but it can be a strong guiding hand.  And certainly the older a child gets, and the closer they are to emancipation (16/17), the stronger that voice will be heard.

In the Collaborative Law practice, the parents make a commitment to stay out of Court.  By engaging in Child Inclusive Mediation in the Collaborative Law practice, the parents are making a commitment to stay out of court and to allow their teenage child or children to have a voice in how their daily life looks, given their age.  Child Inclusive Mediation provides a safe place for children’s voices to be heard, without parents questioning or confronting their child or children.  Parents can then use that information to come up with a parenting time schedule and parenting plan that can put their child or children on the best path to success as a young adult, through emancipation, and beyond into adulthood.

Reach out to a Collaborative Law attorney for a consultation to begin your journey in the Collaborative Law practice and inquire about child inclusive mediation.

About the Author

Laura Schultz was admitted to practice law in the State of Minnesota in 2006 and has been practicing family law for 20 years.  After clerking for a Judge in the Hennepin County District Court for three years from 2006 to 2009, she joined Tuttle Bergeson, P.A. in 2009 as an associate attorney practicing in the areas of family law and estate planning.  After working as an associate at the firm for five years, Laura went into solo practice in 2014, forming the Laura L. Schultz Law Office.

Laura is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Minnesota State Bar Association, and the ARAG network of attorneys. Laura is also a member of Bloomington Rotary, Edina Federated Women’s Club, and the Edina Chamber of Commerce.

Laura’s primary focus of practice is family law.  Laura believes that amicable resolution of issues is often possible, with the client being empowered to make decisions.  In the event that litigation is necessary, Laura is an experienced litigator that has tried many cases to successful resolution.  However, families that engage in the Collaborative Law Practice predict to have children that have healthier lifestyles and less mental health issues later in life.

Every case is required to go through a type of alternative dispute resolution.  Laura is a Rule 114 Qualified Neutral, meaning she is qualified to perform Mediation and Early Neutral Evaluation of family law matters.  Laura is also a Parenting Consultant and Parenting Time Expeditor, helping families resolve their disputes after their divorce or separation as co-parents.

Laura Schultz, Esq.
Attorney
Laura L. Schultz Law Office
Laura@LauraSchultzLaw.com | (763) 333-2525
www.lauraschultzlaw.com

 

 

 

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“Can you refer me to a good family law attorney?” is a common question.  Thinking about this question, I often wonder what people mean when they say “good family law attorney?”  If you ask an attorney in a large firm, they often refer people to attorneys in large firms (their own if they have that practice group).  Large firm attorneys often know other large firm attorneys.  Does that mean they are “good”?  Ask yourself what “good” means to you, before you ask that question.

There are attorneys who do a lot of in-court litigation in family law.  Does that mean they are good?  It depends.  There are attorneys who do mainly out-of-court divorce work, like mediation, Collaborative divorce, or settlement focus.  Does that mean they are good?  Again, it depends.  Family law attorneys are supposed to talk to clients about all their process options.  Interestingly, some clients I have met with who have also met with other attorneys indicate that the other attorney only talked about the traditional court process, said little about mediation, and never spoke about the Collaborative process.  Attorneys who don’t talk about other options might do that for a variety of reasons.  Maybe they don’t practice Collaborative divorce and therefore can’t speak about it clearly or thoroughly.  Maybe they derive energy in the court process and see all divorce matters in the same light.  Maybe they are working in a system that does not reward settlement and fewer billable hours on a case-by-case basis.  Many attorneys start consultations like they are getting all the facts and can start making a legal analysis before they even understand what their potential client’s goals are.

When looking for a good family law attorney, pay attention to how they make you feel, if they are interested in you and what matters to you, or whether they seem to have a predisposition for “fighting”, “protecting”, “winning at the expense of”, or seem to be formulaic about process (i.e., “the first things we need to do is serve papers” or “go take half of the balance in the accounts and transfer it to your own account”, etc.)  There is a difference between having empathy for someone’s situation and feeding a fire and ultimately the conflict.  Are they curious?  Do they ask questions about your priorities, concerns, needs and fears?  Ask you what you want your process to look like or not look like?  Do they ask thoughtful questions about your children?  Do you notice that you feel relaxed and more at ease than you expected or do you feel tense and on edge?  Talking about their trial record may not be the best factor to base your decision on unless you already know that things will be challenging because your spouse is vengeful, litigious, righteous, abusive, inflexible, or other characteristics that mean it will be a fight.

Just because you are starting a divorce, does not mean that it needs to be a fight with someone winning and someone loosing.  A good attorney starts by listening, being curious and understanding what is most important to you.  And what is most important might not even be about specific legal outcomes.  Many people want their kids to come out of the divorce unscathed, want the ability to co-parent, be happy and not totally stressed out for the next  number of months or year during the process.  Or people want to have a better sense of cost rather than a blank check into the world of divorce court.  Many people want to know they will be ok emotionally, financially, and feel good about the settlement and not carry resentment about the outcomes and process.  Divorce is hard enough as it is and the process does not need to make it worse.  And who you choose to work with and how they approach their work can make a significant difference about how your divorce goes and how much it costs.

So, ask questions like:

  • What is your favorite part of your job or do you like your work?
  • Why do you practice family law?
  • How often do you go to trial or settle cases well in advance of trial (not on the court steps)?
  • How do you support client self-determination?
  • If you know who your spouse’s attorney is, ask if they know them and how they work together?
  • How do you handle conflict in your cases?
  • How many cases have you had in the last 2 years go to trial or pre-trial?

Look for:

  • Honesty and sincerity
  • Empathy and compassion
  • Good listening skills
  • Creative problem solving
  • Promptness
  • Curiosity
  • Word choice and language can tell a lot about an attorneySo, once you know what qualities are important to you in your divorce process and your attorney, who is tending to the most important relational matter you will likely have, you may end up asking someone instead, “Do you know any family law attorneys who support effective co-parenting and minimizing conflict between spouses and understand that we are still a family system but in a different configuration?”  You may get a very different referral.  Ask the question about a good attorney that includes some qualifiers of what that means to you.  Or, find an attorney who practices Collaborative divorce, even if you end up not doing a formal Collaborative process.  They often believe in client self-determination and informed decision making and understand that you will still be a family system but in two homes.  And they tend to be responsive and timely in their work and value good working relationships with clients and the other attorney.  Take it from 20+ years of experience working with court focused attorneys and collaborative attorneys.  Check out this link to connect with collaborative professionals in Minnesota and find one that is right for you. https://collaborativelaw.org/find-a-professional-2/

About the Author

Louise Livesay-Al has been practicing family law, primarily in out-of-court process options, for over 20 years.  She worked for four years at the Minnesota Court of Appeals learning about family law and seeing the limits of the court system for families.  She works regularly with collaborative and non-collaborative attorneys and understands the benefits of working towards a mutually agreeable settlement for both people in the divorce and knows that kids usually fare better when parents reach a joint resolution rather than fighting it out.  Her firm, The Law Shop Minnesota, offers full representation, mediation, and a la carte services in family law.  Check out www.thelawshopmn.com and click “Get Started” to schedule a Shop Evaluation to learn more and create a plan for your future.

Louise Livesay-Al
Collaborative Attorney and Mediator
The Law Shop Minnesota
E: support@thelawshopmn.com | P: 651-344-6100
www.thelawshopmn.com

 

 

 

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In divorce agreements, it is common to see language such as:

“Spouse A shall refinance the mortgage within 90 days and remove Spouse B from liability.”

On paper, that sounds simple.

In practice, it often fails.

As mortgage professionals working alongside collaborative attorneys and financial neutrals, we regularly see well-intended refinance provisions unravel — not because someone refuses to cooperate, but because the refinance was never financially viable under lending guidelines.

The Most Common Reasons Divorce Refinances Fail

  1. Debt-to-Income Ratios Don’t Support the Loan

Post-divorce budgets differ dramatically from pre-divorce budgets.

Even if the payment appears affordable on a cash-flow worksheet, mortgage underwriting follows strict debt-to-income ratios that may produce a different result.

  1. Self-Employed Income Is Calculated Differently

This is one of the most misunderstood areas in divorce planning.

Attorneys and financial professionals often evaluate income based on gross business revenue or owner draws.

Mortgage underwriting does not.

For self-employed borrowers, we use:

  • Net income after expenses
  • Add-backs (when allowable under guidelines)
  • Two-year averages (in most cases)

This can significantly reduce qualifying income compared to what appears on a tax return summary or financial affidavit.

A refinance that seems feasible using gross income may not qualify when evaluated using underwriter-calculated net income.

  1. Support Income Is Not Yet Usable

For conventional and VA financing, lenders typically require:

  • A documented history of receipt (often six months)
  • Consistency
  • Three years of continuance from loan closing

If deadlines are set before those requirements are satisfied, the refinance may be structurally impossible.

  1. Equity and Reserve Requirements

Buyout structures increase loan balances.
Loan-to-value limits may restrict options.

Additionally, many programs require post-closing reserves. Asset division during divorce can unintentionally eliminate the liquidity required for approval.

The Collaborative Opportunity

Refinance provisions fail not because of bad intent — but because mortgage feasibility wasn’t analyzed early enough.

A pre-settlement underwriting review allows the team to:

  • Set realistic timelines
  • Structure viable buyouts
  • Identify alternative options
  • Avoid post-decree surprises

Case Study

We had a client that was getting ready to sign the divorce decree…it was a collaborative case.  The client sent the decree to me prior to signing.  Upon review we noticed that the total income would not support the refinance.   In this case the divorce client was also getting support payments for a total of 10 years.  We were not far off…the solution was to front end load some of the support payments and reduce the overall term of the payout.  The attorneys and the client reviewed the suggestion and were able to make the numbers work and the client was able to get the home refinanced and complete the divorce.

Mortgage strategy integrated early strengthens the durability of the final agreement.

About the Author

Dave Jamison is a divorce mortgage strategist and co-owner of Rainbow Mortgage Inc., an independent mortgage brokerage licensed in Minnesota, Florida, and North Dakota. With more than 26 years in residential lending—including 13 years as an underwriter for Fortune 500 mortgage institutions—Dave brings deep, practical expertise to complex divorce-related real estate matters.

What sets Dave apart is his underwriting foundation. Rather than approaching cases from a sales perspective, he evaluates them through the lens of how loans are actually approved—income calculations, debt ratios, reserve requirements, and documentation standards. This allows him to assess feasibility early in the divorce process, helping prevent refinance provisions that later fail and ensuring agreements align with real-world lending guidelines.

Dave and his wife, Gale, founded Rainbow Mortgage Inc. in 1999, initially serving borrowers with complex financial situations. In 2004, he began specializing in divorce mortgage planning, applying his expertise to support attorneys, mediators, and financial neutrals. Since then, he has spent more than two decades helping collaborative teams structure realistic refinance timelines, evaluate buyout options, and avoid post-decree mortgage breakdowns.

He is particularly skilled in analyzing self-employed income, support income, and multi-property scenarios—areas where legal and financial assumptions often diverge from underwriting standards. Known for his calm, direct, and non-adversarial approach, Dave provides clear, objective guidance that supports durable agreements.

David Jamison
Rainbow Mortgage, Inc.
E: dave@rainbowmortgageinc.com | Ph: 952-405-2090
www.RainbowMortgageInc.com

 

 

 

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People sometimes tell me they’ve heard that collaborative divorce works better for the higher income spouse. The idea is that the person with more money will always have more influence, more control, and more options. If you earn less than your spouse, it can feel risky to choose a process that depends on cooperation.

I understand why that fear exists. Money shapes how we move through life. It can affect your confidence in negotiations. It can make you wonder if the other person can simply wait you out until you accept less than what is fair.

In my work, I have seen that a carefully managed collaborative divorce can protect a lower income spouse in ways the court process often does not.

Why This Concern Feels Real
In many marriages, one person earns significantly more than the other. When the marriage ends, the higher earner may have more savings, more credit, or more financial stability. They may feel less urgency to resolve things quickly. The lower earner may feel pressure to settle just to get financial relief.

These are valid worries. They do not disappear automatically in a collaborative case. But collaborative divorce was designed to address them directly.

How Collaborative Divorce Addresses Power Imbalances
The process starts with full financial transparency. Both spouses share all the information about income, expenses, assets, and debts. There is no hiding documents, no drawn-out discovery requests, and no costly legal fights just to get basic facts.

A neutral financial professional is part of the team. They work for both spouses and explain financial details in plain language. This means each person understands what different settlement options will mean for their future.

Collaborative teams can make interim financial agreements early on. If one spouse needs support for housing or daily expenses during the process, the team can create an agreement right away instead of waiting for a court hearing.

Because communication is at the heart of collaborative work, there may often be coaches involved. These professionals help keep discussions respectful and balanced. They make sure one voice does not dominate the conversation.

Why Litigating Attorneys May See This Differently
Attorneys who primarily work in litigation sometimes see collaborative divorce through a different lens. In court, the higher income spouse can be ordered to produce documents, attend hearings, and even pay temporary support early in the case. Judges have authority to make rulings and set deadlines. To a litigator, those built-in powers of the court can feel like stronger protection for the lower income spouse.

From that perspective, collaborative divorce may seem risky because there is no judge to issue immediate orders. Litigators worry that without the authority of the court, a higher income spouse could slow things down or refuse to cooperate.

These concerns are not unfounded. In a collaborative case, if one spouse refuses to participate in good faith, the process can break down. That is why collaborative professionals screen cases carefully. If there are signs that one person will withhold information or use the process to stall, collaborative may not be the right fit.

When Collaborative Practice Works Better
Using a collaborative process can give the lower income spouse more control over their future than litigation. Court processes can be slow and expensive. The higher income spouse can afford to keep paying legal fees, while the lower income spouse may feel pressured to accept a deal to stop the financial bleeding.

In Collaborative, both spouses commit to full disclosure, respectful communication, and problem-solving. The team addresses immediate needs quickly so that neither person is left in crisis. Instead of spending time and money on court battles, the focus stays on building an agreement that works for both people.

Collaborative divorce is not fair just because of the name. Fairness comes from the professionals involved and their willingness to slow down, explain every option, and make sure each person understands what they are agreeing to. The team’s role is to keep the process balanced so that neither income level decides the outcome.

Litigating attorneys and collaborative attorneys sometimes see fairness through different frameworks. Both want to protect their clients. Both see situations where the other process might fail. What matters most is choosing the process — and the professionals — who will make sure your needs are met and your voice is heard.

For a lower income spouse, collaborative practice can be a place to get stability, clarity, and a say in what comes next. With the right team and safeguards, it can be a path to a fair resolution without the costs and strain of a courtroom battle.

About the Author

Angela is a former President and board member of the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute. She has a solo practice where she focuses primarily on collaborative law and out-of-court settlement processes.  Through her work, she aims to empower individuals to make informed decisions while reducing conflict, cost, and emotional stress.  She helps clients navigate complex transitions with clarity and compassion.

Angela is a former President and board member of the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute. She has a solo practice where she focuses primarily on collaborative law and out-of-court settlement processes.  Through her work, she aims to empower individuals to make informed decisions while reducing conflict, cost, and emotional stress.  She helps clients navigate complex transitions with clarity and compassion.

Angela Heart, Family Law Attorney
Heart Law, LLC
E: Angela@heartlaw.net | Ph: 651-337-1333
Website: https://www.heartlaw.net/

 

 

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Judith Wallerstein, in her ground-breaking 25-year study of divorcing parents and their children, was perhaps the first social science researcher to notice it.   The injury to self which can happen in divorce is much deeper than what people were thinking throughout the 1970s.  It can happen on the deepest level of the human psyche.

            What she noted is that the divorce for most of her study population was a challenge on three levels:   1) to the world-view her couples had always assumed (in a sense, a ‘crisis of faith’); 2) to who they thought they were as human beings (a ‘crisis of identity’), and 3) even to the deepest part of their psyche – the central brain which is connected to adequate sleep, appetite, situational awareness (avoiding traffic accidents) and the immune system.   As she sometimes said, “It’s as if the body itself perceives the experience as an attack on its ability to survive”.

            And so, it’s no wonder that couples sometimes ask themselves as they start down the path of divorce:  “How much is this going to change my life?   Who will I be on the other side of this?”

            Fear of the unknown can sometimes feel worse than dealing with the day to day frustrations of a dysfunctional relationship.   At least the dysfunction is a known quantity – which can sometimes feel safer.

            But it’s possible to reinforce the strongest sense of self coming out of a divorce process, especially one which is Collaborative and focused on the needs of the family system as a whole.

            Here are three good ideas for making that happen:

  1. Self care.   This may seem obvious, but even when life is going well it can be hard to achieve.  Good exercise, good food, and good sleep need to be a special focus when going through a divorce process.   No one wants to be at their worst or weakest in making decisions which can shape the rest of their lives, or their children’s lives.
  2. Re-engaging with your values.  The personal strength that comes from self respect is drawn from the integrity of acting consistently with your deepest values.   It brings confidence and clear thought.  It may be as simple as reconnecting with a good faith community in your area.   It may mean finding a good therapist whose listening ear helps you to feel stronger and not weaker – someone who helps you to hear your own voice clearly.   It can also mean reconnecting with caring friends and family members who help you to feel stronger and more confident (not more fearful!).   Take the time to think about making this happen for yourself.
  3. Vision planning.   This is so difficult to do when we are stuck in a “fear place”.  But the truth is, if you can’t imagine a new and better future for yourself, who is going to do it for you?   It’s important to give yourself time to carve out some moments here and there where you give yourself permission to dream.   Ask yourself:   Where have I been before that made this easier?   Who was I with at the time?  What was I listening to?

So much good comes from finding self-respect.  Honoring your entire life – physical, mental, spiritual – it’s a critical piece of putting your feet forward, every step of the way.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.

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Those of us who practice Collaborative Team Divorce sometimes get asked the question:   “What if my spouse isn’t willing or able to show me respect?   Why then should I respect them?   What’s the value of that?”

There is value to one partner offering respect as a deliberate choice of habit, on several levels:

  1. Business level trust is all that’s needed to support a Collaborative solution. Collaborative Practitioners are often taught to avoid the word “fair” as a relative term when it comes to solutions for couples and families facing divorce, and instead focus on the term “acceptable”.   All that is needed is a solution that is acceptable to each partner – so long as it meets the needs of both partners and the children, after taking all needs into consideration as well as potential ‘legal rights’.   Once a solution has the effect of a court order (meaning, a court-entered Judgment), that is a measure of safety and enforceability for the agreements which have been made.  The kind of intimate-level trust that was needed to support the marriage is not needed.
  2. “Trust but verify” is the basis for acceptable solutions. Good quality information is needed to craft the foundation for an acceptable solution.   Collaborative Financial Specialists are the professionals whose job it is to collect all the financial information which is needed, and to make it available to both partners and the Collaborative Team, including each spouse’s attorney.  The reason many professionals choose to practice Collaborative Team Divorce is that they get access to financial information more quickly, and more completely, than what is often uncovered in the back-and-forth, ‘cat and mouse’ strategies of formal legal discovery.   This is because Collaborative Team Practice is based upon mutual respect and staying away from tactics that trigger human defense mechanisms.   In addition, Collaborative Practice can use methods which are similar to contested litigation practice, such as exchanging Release of Information Forms directly to employers and plan providers, to make sure the data is all genuine – in the event there is any question about that.   If such steps are not needed, they don’t recommend the extra expense to use them.
  3. Children get the idea. In her 25-year study, Judith Wallerstein was sometimes quoted as reminding professionals and couples that children attach to both parents.   If even one parent is healthy enough to recognize and support the connection children have to both parents, that home is a safer and happier place for children to be.   Chances are, the healthier parent will over time gain more trust and a stronger connection to the children – they are drawn to the healthier parent.   This can be demonstrated simply, by asking the children such questions as:   “Did you know that your (X parent) plans to take you to their family’s cabin with your cousins this weekend?   Isn’t that great?   You know, your (X parent) and I may have had our problems, but they love you so much!”  This helps to make transitions between homes more successful, and the children know that – at least in the home of the healthier parent – they can be “whole people”, safe and connected to both parents.   They don’t have to deny half of who they are when they come home from school in the evening, and can look forward to feeling healthy and whole in the home of the healthier parent.  It makes a difference.

So if any part of you is thinking that acting like the only grown-up in a divorce process is a waste – think again.  Find a good process for your divorce proceeding, get to a solid “acceptable” agreement, and get that agreement entered by the Court as a judgment.   Then, focus on the future with the realization that the agreements made are enforceable, and the home you provide your children will be what they remember.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.