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In January of 2022, mortgage interest rates began their sharpest increase since the early 1980s. While this has not only increased the monthly cost of a mortgage payment for the same loan amount, the severity of the increase has had a lock-in effect for people with current interest rates in the 2% and 3% range who are reluctant to move if they don’t have to.

The increase in rates has pushed much of the buyer demand to the sidelines, but since very few have opted to sell, the housing market has remained surprisingly resilient. Prior to the increase in rates, there was a housing supply shortage creating an extreme seller’s market where buyers frequently paid well over list price. While home appreciation has slowed, values in many areas have continued to hold up because inventory remains limited.

In the divorce world, higher mortgage rates have made it more difficult to “uncouple” the mortgage. Refinancing to remove an ex-spouse’s name and pull out equity to pay a marital settlement has become much more costly than it was just a few years ago. Navigating these nuances has made it difficult for attorneys, mediators, and divorcing clients.

Cooperation Matters More Than Ever

High conflict between spouses makes divorce more difficult and more expensive. The same is true when trying to separate ownership and responsibility for the marital home.

Fortunately, there are many situations where aligning incentives can overcome conflict. For example, if the exiting spouse wants their marital settlement from the home’s equity, they may be willing to sign a Quit Claim Deed relinquishing their title rights in exchange for receiving those proceeds.

Another example occurs when an exiting spouse will be receiving spousal maintenance. Leaving their name on the existing low-interest-rate mortgage may allow the retaining spouse to keep a substantially lower payment than would be possible through refinancing.

Even when incentives are not perfectly aligned, creative solutions can create a win-win outcome. One example is using a second mortgage to fund a buyout rather than replacing an existing first mortgage with a much higher-rate refinance.

Four Common Mortgage Options During Divorce

When one spouse wishes to keep the home and equity must be divided, there are generally four primary options to consider.

Option 1: Remove the Exiting Spouse Through a Qualifying Name Delete Assumption (QNDA) and Obtain a Second Mortgage

A Qualifying Name Delete Assumption allows one borrower to be removed from an existing mortgage while keeping the original loan terms intact.

This option is commonly used when the exiting spouse wants their name removed from the mortgage and the loan servicer allows assumptions.

However, before relying on this option, several questions should be answered:

  • Will the retaining spouse qualify under the servicer’s guidelines?
  • What debt-to-income ratio does the servicer allow?
  • Will the borrower qualify for the second mortgage needed to fund the buyout?
  • How long will the QNDA process take?

Unlike a refinance, a QNDA often takes one to four months and processing timelines can vary significantly among servicers.

Option 2: Leave the Exiting Spouse on the Existing Mortgage and Obtain a Second Mortgage

When a QNDA is not available—or even when it is—leaving the exiting spouse on the current mortgage can be an effective solution.

This option preserves the low interest rate on the existing first mortgage while providing access to equity through a second mortgage.

The three most common concerns from the exiting spouse are:

Concern #1: I Need My Name Removed So I Can Purchase Another Home

In many cases, a properly drafted divorce decree can address this concern. Mortgage debt can often be excluded from debt-to-income calculations when the decree clearly assigns responsibility for the payment and includes hold harmless language.

Concern #2: I’m Worried Missed Payments Will Damage My Credit

If the mortgage payment is missed, both parties’ credit can be impacted. However, attorneys can build safeguards into the agreement such as:

  • Online access to verify payments
  • Monthly payment confirmations
  • Notification requirements if a payment is late

Trust and cooperation remain important, but practical protections can reduce risk.

Concern #3: How Long Will My Name Stay on the Mortgage?

Many parties agree that the name will remain on the loan until a future event occurs. Common examples include:

  • One to two years passing
  • Interest rates reaching a specified level
  • The retaining spouse qualifying for a refinance

This flexibility often creates a workable compromise.

Option 3: Refinance and Pay the Marital Settlement

When the exiting spouse requires their name removed and a QNDA is unavailable, refinancing may still be the best option.

Although today’s rates are higher, refinancing offers several advantages:

  • Removes the exiting spouse from the mortgage
  • Provides funds for the marital settlement
  • Allows higher debt-to-income ratios than some assumption programs
  • Removes uncertainty regarding future qualification

While the monthly payment may increase, the simplicity and certainty of the transaction often outweigh the disadvantages.

Option 4: Sell the Home

Sometimes neither spouse can—or wants to—keep the property.

In those situations, selling the home and dividing the proceeds according to the divorce decree may be the most practical path forward.

This option can also be beneficial when one spouse plans to purchase a new home while the other plans to rent. With proper drafting, attorneys can structure the settlement so the purchasing spouse receives their share of proceeds before closing on the sale, allowing them to qualify for their next home without waiting for the transaction to be completed.

Where Are Mortgage Rates Headed?

Forecasting rates is always difficult.

The Federal Reserve raised rates aggressively to combat inflation, and while inflation has moderated from its peak, economic conditions continue to evolve. Generally speaking, if inflation continues to decline and economic growth slows, mortgage rates may gradually move lower.

The timing and magnitude of future rate reductions remain uncertain, but many economists expect rates to eventually trend downward from current levels.

What Does This Mean for the Housing Market?

The housing market remains heavily influenced by inventory shortages.

Even though higher rates reduced buyer demand, many homeowners with mortgages in the 2% and 3% range have chosen not to sell. This has limited available inventory and helped support home values.

If rates decline meaningfully, buyer demand will likely increase. The question becomes whether enough homeowners decide to sell to offset that demand.

For divorcing clients, this environment presents an interesting opportunity. Purchasing a home while rates are elevated may mean less competition and greater negotiating power. If rates eventually decline, refinancing later may become an option.

Final Thoughts

Higher mortgage rates have undoubtedly complicated divorce-related housing decisions. However, they have also created opportunities for more creative settlement structures.

Whether through a QNDA, a second mortgage, a refinance, or a sale, there are often more options available than clients initially realize.

Understanding these alternatives early in the divorce process allows attorneys, mediators, and clients to make informed decisions that balance financial realities with long-term goals.

Every divorce is unique, and mortgage strategy should be evaluated as carefully as any other aspect of the settlement process.

To learn more or discuss a specific case, contact Brett Leschinsky.

About the Author

Brett Leschinsky is a Divorce Mortgage Specialist with Resource Mortgage. For over 15 years he has helped clients, attorneys, and mediators navigate the complex intersection of mortgage financing and divorce. Brett specializes in analyzing settlement options involving the marital home, spousal maintenance income, equity buyouts, refinancing strategies, and mortgage qualification issues before, during, and after divorce. He works closely with family law professionals to help clients make informed housing and financial decisions throughout the divorce process.

Brett Leschinsky
Sr Mortgage Consultant, Divorce Mortgage Specialist
Resource Mortgage
612.590.7896 | brett@mortgageforest.com
mortgageforest.com

 

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I hear some version of this almost every week:  “I’ve tried everything. Nothing works. I don’t think it even matters.”

The person sitting across from me is genuinely exhausted. Not “we had a rough month” exhausted. I mean battle-worn, hope-thinning, seriously-wondering-why-they-bother exhausted. They’ve read the books. They’ve had the hard conversations — or tried to. They feel invisible in their own relationship.

And they’re not wrong that something is broken.

But here’s the thing I notice pretty quickly. While they can describe their partner’s patterns in precise detail — the dismissiveness, the defensiveness, the way every serious conversation somehow becomes about something that happened in 2019 — they don’t have a clear enough picture about what they themselves do when things go sideways. And they don’t yet fully see how much influence they still have over the part they do control.

Which is exactly where the work gets interesting.

I’m thinking about one man who came in certain that his wife simply didn’t really care about working on things. He’d tried bringing it up calmly. He’d tried not bringing it up at all. He’d started doing more around the house, planning date nights, being more patient. Nothing shifted. She was the problem. He had tried everything.

When I asked what happened in the moments things got tense, he paused.

“I get loud, sometimes,” he said. “I have a tone. I know I do. And then she shuts down completely.”

He knew this wasn’t helping. What he hadn’t quite seen was that his escalation and her shutdown were a perfectly matched pair. They had built a very efficient system together — one that left both of them exhausted and neither of them heard.

He had spent months trying to change her. He had not spent enough time thinking about his half of the equation, and just as importantly, knowing what real accountability looks like.

This is not about blame. Let me be clear about that.

Relationships in distress usually have two people doing their best with a limited set of tools. Some people go silent to avoid making things worse. Some push hard because staying quiet feels like surrendering. Some run the kindness campaign — all the right gestures, all the considerate moves — but never actually say the true things that need to be said. Too aggressive. Too passive. Too careful.

And most people are carrying some resentment they haven’t fully named. Maybe they’ve told themselves it’s fine. Maybe they’re afraid of what saying it out loud would mean. But resentment doesn’t stay quiet. It seeps into ordinary moments. A tone of voice. A flicker of something cold before you’ve even opened your mouth. The benign question that somehow lands like an accusation. Resentment corrupts.

Your partner feels that. Even if they can’t name it.

Here’s why all of this matters — and why I call it power.

When you can see your own patterns clearly, you have something real to work with. Not more effort. Not more trying. More clarity.

Maybe you realize you’ve been avoiding the real conversation because you’re terrified of the answer. Maybe you see that you’ve been keeping score instead of building trust. Maybe you recognize that your forcefulness isn’t strength — it’s fear in a louder outfit.

That awareness changes the game. Because now you know what to actually change.

And that clarity does something else, too. It helps you be truly accountable and make better decisions about what comes next.

Some people do this work and discover they haven’t actually done their part yet. There’s still something to try. They stop working harder and start working smarter.

Others do this work and realize something different: they have already changed. They’ve grown, shifted, tried things that mattered — and they’re still running into the same wall. That realization doesn’t feel good. But it’s useful. It gives them the confidence to make a different kind of decision — one they can stand behind, not one they’ll second-guess for years.

Either way, you leave with something more than you walked in with.

The couples who stay stuck longest are usually the ones who have become experts on each other’s faults and strangers to their own.

It’s an understandable mistake. Pain has a way of narrowing our focus. When we’re hurting, we look outward for explanations.

But the only part of this story you can actually rewrite is yours.

That’s not a limitation. That’s the beginning of the real change.

If any of this resonates with where you are right now, I’d be glad to talk.

About the Author

For more than 25 years, Brian Burns has worked with adults navigating relationship crisis — couples questioning whether to stay together, parents struggling to co-parent after divorce, and individuals uncertain whether therapy can still help. Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of MN Relationship Repair in Woodbury, Minnesota, specializing in couples therapy, Discernment Counseling, Collaborative Divorce coaching, and co-parenting support.

He is especially known for helping couples on the brink of divorce navigate conflict, infidelity, emotional distance, and long-standing relationship patterns. Some arrive hoping to repair the relationship; others are uncertain whether repair is possible. Brian helps couples slow down, better understand what is happening between them, and make thoughtful, informed decisions about their future.

Brian is trained in multiple models of couples therapy and Discernment Counseling. He has served as an Approved Supervisor for the Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family Therapy for more than 20 years and has held leadership roles with the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including Board Director and Co-President.

A self-described “fan of marriage,” Brian brings both honesty and accountability to his work. He is committed to helping couples strengthen relationships whenever possible and, when separation is necessary, guiding families through the process in healthier ways — especially for children.

Brian regularly teaches therapists, attorneys, and other professionals on marriage, conflict, infidelity, co-parenting, and divorce. Outside the office, he enjoys time with his wife, following the adventures of their four adult daughters, reading, and spending time outdoors.

Brian Burns, LMFT
MN Relationship Repair
brian@mnrelationshiprepair.com | 651-505-3418
https://www.mnrelationshiprepair.com/

 

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In Part 1, we talked about how kids just seem to know how to play, and consequently, they develop important skills through play.  As previously mentioned, the Minnesota Children’s Museum in St. Paul has an exhibit, “Seven Powers of Play” where kids create, tinker, and discover, and acquire those skills.  As we become adults, work replaces play, and perhaps some of those skills we learn as children fall to the bottom of our toolbox.  Life happens, but in a divorce, those skills can be THE tools needed for changing your mindset and creating not only a healthy divorce process but a rewarding life post-divorce. 

Those skills are:

  1. Creative thinking
  2. Critical thinking
  3. (Self)-Control
  4. Confidence
  5. Collaboration
  6. Communication
  7. Coordination

Let’s identify them, dig them out, and polish them up.

Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.

This is the paradigm shift and brainstorming phase of the Collaborative Process.  The couple can (literally) shout out their goals and ideas for how they’d like the divorce to move forward and their family life to flow as they uncouple.  For example, what do they want co-parenting to look like both short-term and long-term?  Do parents really need to stay in their on-duty parenting lane, or could they celebrate holidays together?  Contrary to the “typical” divorce and cultural expectations, perhaps they gather for family meals (yes, even after they are divorced!) weekly or monthly.  They stretch their creativity to what they need and want without fear of what society expects of them during and after their divorce. 

Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe. 

After brainstorming, those critical thinking skills are put to the test.  Divorce is a set of issues to be addressed and solved, not a war to be fought and won (or lost).  After all the information is gathered and various options created, the couple analyzes and discerns the best outcome and option for their family unit going forward.  It’s not about who is getting more of the pie; rather, it’s looking at the various parts of the pie and determining which part is preferred.  (I’ll take a buttery graham cracker crust over the Frech silk/chocolate mousse filling anytime.)   

Self-control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors. 

We know what it looks like for a toddler to throw a tantrum, and it takes years of patience (and not giving in to that tantrum) for a child to self-regulate.  During a divorce, it’s not at all unusual for adults to completely lose their cool.  Divorce is emotional, frustrating, and it feels devastating.  We are human and it’s ok to be angry during this time.  Adults, however, need to muster their will to utilize the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, and respond, rather than react, to the situation.  Collaborative professionals can help create a safe space for the couple, and a trained divorce coach can help them regulate their emotions and get them back on track. 

Confidence – to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.

Often, the Collaborative Process helps the couple parent their kids better.  When parents focus on the future and how a structured, yet flexible parenting plan can work for everyone, their ability to co-parent not only increases their confidence for their future but helps them improve their overall self-esteem.  When they feel like they are “doing good” by their kids, everyone wins, and confidence improves.  Clients have reached out to me a year or more after the divorce to tell me their co-parenting relationship is better than they ever imagined it could be.     

Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.

Believe it or not, a divorcing couple has at least one common goal: to ensure that their kids are ok.  Most couples have several common goals, but the foregoing is always at the top.  Even if they have adult children, divorcing couples want to at least be comfortable seeing their former spouse at a family event, like a graduation or wedding.  Collaboration in a divorce is crucial to the future well-being of everyone in the family.  We will dive deeper into this skill in Part 3. 

Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision. 

Shifting communication and using “I” statements is a simple, yet powerful tool for everyone to utilize.  We all need to take ownership of what we say.  If something comes out sideways, common sense dictates clarifying and apologizing.  Nothing can change the energy in a room like a sincere apology.  While that communication style, which might have been lost during the marriage, can be (re)learned, the professionals on the case open the meeting with expectations for everyone.  The goal is that the couple will learn more productive ways of communicating in the future.

Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

I view coordination as a child’s ability to learn and use both large muscle and fine motor skills. Picture the early walker looking like Frankenstein Baby with arms held out and an awkward gait, but wearing the biggest, proudest grin on that precious face.  Or a child learning to skip or ride a bike: they try, fall down, and get back up and do it again.  Eventually, they ride without falling down, and skip with smooth strides.  For adults, this can mean recognizing when they are going to “lose it” and taking a few deep breaths to slow their breathing and heartrate.  This deeper dive into learning about the sympathetic nervous system and the fight, flight, or freeze response, which relates to the ability to self-regulate, as noted above, can be critical during times of stress.  It’s amazing what the human body can achieve.

While it might come as a surprise that the above skills are learned through play during childhood, it shouldn’t be a surprise these skills are vital for healthy adulthood.  Sometimes a marriage doesn’t work.  But that doesn’t mean the people in that marriage don’t work or are somehow broken.  Is it possible the above skills were lost or forgotten?  Yes.  But now is the time to find them, brush up on those skills, and perhaps relearn how to use them. 

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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As a little kid growing up in my small town, I remember being a bit confused by the saying, “good fences make good neighbors.”  Almost nobody bothered with fences in my neighborhood except to keep the critters out of their gardens, and everyone seemed neighborly enough.   I came to learn that throughout history, disputes over property lines were not uncommon, and could quickly turn contentious and ugly.  Surveyors were important to help resolve these kinds of conflicts.   A correctly placed fence could help keep the peace.

How does this apply to co-parenting after a divorce or separation?

Though it has been a long time since children were considered property in family law, they still belong to their family and are dependent on the stewardship of parents to nurture and care for them.   As a result of the divorce or separation, how the family works needs to change.  At a time of difficult, conflicting emotions, this can bring disagreements over parenting to the forefront. While under the same roof, parents most likely did not create written clarification of their roles and functions.   Now that circumstances have changed, they will benefit from the creation of a Parenting Plan containing mutual agreements for the future.

A Parenting Plan resolves two important boundary issues that bridge legal and family concerns:  a) Who will make major decisions in the best interests of the children while they are minors and/or legal dependents; and b) What will be an equitable and developmentally appropriate schedule for parenting time, one that may evolve over time as children grow.

Further clarifying details in the Parenting Plan can build proverbial “good fences,” and define specifics for decisions such as parenting time exchanges, holiday arrangements,  how and when parents will engage in co-parenting communication and under what circumstances children can meet their parents’ new significant others.   A child-centered Parenting Plan will also address co-parenting routines and rituals like bedtimes, limiting screentime, sharing responsibility for driving kids to their activities, deciding how children’s birthdays will be celebrated, discussing age-appropriate discipline and more.  A Parenting Plan can and should be tailored to the unique needs of the family.

Underpinning the written plan are the choices parents make about their attitudes, communication tone and behavior toward each other.  Because a divorce or separation can be a relational echo chamber for painful emotions, raw edges and betrayal, trust is often frayed. More than ever, parents need emotional and behavioral “good fences” that will demonstrate good faith and keep their children at the center and out of the middle of conflict.  Here are a few time-tested ideas for shifting from a marriage or intimate partnership into the more businesslike lifelong relationship of effective, respectful and peaceful co-parenting:

  1. Be consistent and reliable. Show up on time, honor and follow through with co-parenting commitments and agreements, and communicate in advance if you need to change the schedule for any reason.
  2. Be courteous and polite. Resist the urge to argue with your co-parent, especially in the hearing range of your children.  Do your part to maintain a calm and emotionally safe space for your kids during parenting time exchanges, and when both parents are attending a child’s event.
  3. Maintain dignity. Remember that verbal disrespect, eye rolling, shaming, name calling and other spiteful behaviors will always erode trust and will likely activate your co-parent’s amygdala (generating a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response).  Understandably, frustration can be hard to avoid, but an activated amygdala is not a good problem solver.  Take a break to clear your head if you feel the impulse to vent in anger, whether in person, by text or online with your co-parent.  If you get triggered by something your co-parent says or does in your presence, you can state your boundary (“I can’t be in this conversation right now”) and end the interaction.
  4. Respect our co-parent’s individuality. Recognize that your co-parent will have their own style and preferences for creating a home base with your children.  Unless a child’s safety is compromised, let go of the urge to try to control the situation at your co-parent’s home.
  5. Recognize that assertiveness is not the same as conflict . When in doubt about a co-parenting issue, ask clarifying questions and use I Statements rather than make assumptions.  Assumptions can easily lead to accusations of fault and blame, and result in the downward spiral that occurs when both parents are triggered.
  6. Be open to resources. Consider divorce coaching, mediation or therapy to help resolve co-parenting disagreements that seem intractable and hard to manage without help.  Don’t wait until the situation has festered and become entrenched into resentment.  Co-parenting is hard work, and you deserve support.

About the Author

Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.

Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com

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By the time many couples reach my office, they are exhausted. Not “we’re struggling to communicate” exhausted. I mean sleeping-on-the-couch, avoiding real conversation, reading lawyer reviews, terrified for the kids, Googling-apartments-at-1:00-AM exhausted.

Often one person, for the first time, is thinking seriously about divorce, while the other is desperately trying to save the marriage. They are sitting on the same couch but 1000 miles apart in their minds. This is one of the darkest moments in a relationship — and one of the hardest situations for therapists to treat well.

Both clients and many couples counselors assume the same thing: if we’re not fully committed to fixing this, what’s the point of seeing a therapist? Others think, “I’ve already tried so hard for so long. I can’t survive trying one more time only to end up back in the same hopeless place again. It will kill me.” And traditional couples therapy often assumes something that simply isn’t true: that both people are equally committed to repairing the relationship.

But many couples are not walking into therapy with a shared agenda. One spouse may be leaning toward the exit while the other is leaning hard toward repair. Underneath that imbalance is usually a painful combination of fear, grief, anger, guilt, hope, and emotional exhaustion — a complexity that deserves to be taken seriously, not rushed past.

In other words: not exactly ideal conditions for “communication skills.”

I remember one husband saying to me:

“I feel like we’re showing up to two completely different meetings.”

Honestly, he was right.

One partner wanted clarity about whether the marriage still had life in it. The other wanted reassurance that divorce was off the table. Those are very different goals, and when therapists miss that reality, sessions can quickly turn into emotional tug-of-war matches.

One spouse feels pressured. The other feels abandoned. The therapist feels stuck. Nobody leaves hopeful.

This is one reason I’ve come to deeply value the Discernment Counseling model. In this approach, the first task is not fixing the marriage, but helping people slow down enough to get clear about what they want to do — and how to do it thoughtfully. That may sound obvious, but emotionally overwhelmed couples rarely slow down on their own. Humans under threat tend to do one of three things:

  • fight
  • flee
  • demand immediate certainty

Unfortunately, major relationship decisions made from panic and desperation are not always the wisest ones.

What Discernment Counseling offers instead is something deceptively simple: a structured pause. A space where neither person is pushed toward a predetermined outcome, but the chance to learn what’s possible for the future.

Some marriages end. Some marriages heal. Some couples realize they need a structured attempt at repair before they can make a final decision with any confidence. Discernment Counseling doesn’t tell you which path to take. It helps you figure out which path actually fits your situation, your history, and your values — and then move forward with intention rather than panic.

One of the most meaningful shifts I see in this work happens when couples stop arguing about the outcome and start becoming curious about the story. How did we get here? What happened between us? What did each of us contribute? What could we do differently if we chose to try? Those conversations feel very different than: “Are we staying together or not?”

And strangely enough, when people stop trying to force immediate resolution, clarity often becomes easier to find.

I sometimes tell couples:   “You do not have to decide the rest of your life this week.”

You can almost feel the nervous systems in the room exhale.

Because couples at this stage are often experiencing what I think of as emotional smoke inhalation. Visibility is poor. Everyone is reacting to pain. When people are scared, they tend to either grip tighter or run faster — and neither response reliably produces wisdom.

The antidote isn’t pressure. It isn’t forced positivity. It’s being genuinely understood in the middle of the mess, and having a process that can hold the complexity of what you’re actually facing.

Even at a relationship’s darkest hour, clarity is still possible. Sometimes reconciliation is too. But both become more likely when couples feel truly heard rather than managed — and when they’re given enough space to move from reactive to reflective.

That kind of space is hard to find on your own. It’s what this work is for.

If any of this resonates with where you are right now, I’d be glad to talk. You don’t have to have it figured out before you call.

About the Author

For more than 25 years, Brian Burns has worked with adults navigating relationship crisis — couples questioning whether to stay together, parents struggling to co-parent after divorce, and individuals uncertain whether therapy can still help. Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of MN Relationship Repair in Woodbury, Minnesota, specializing in couples therapy, Discernment Counseling, Collaborative Divorce coaching, and co-parenting support.

He is especially known for helping couples on the brink of divorce navigate conflict, infidelity, emotional distance, and long-standing relationship patterns. Some arrive hoping to repair the relationship; others are uncertain whether repair is possible. Brian helps couples slow down, better understand what is happening between them, and make thoughtful, informed decisions about their future.

Brian is trained in multiple models of couples therapy and Discernment Counseling. He has served as an Approved Supervisor for the Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family Therapy for more than 20 years and has held leadership roles with the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including Board Director and Co-President.

A self-described “fan of marriage,” Brian brings both honesty and accountability to his work. He is committed to helping couples strengthen relationships whenever possible and, when separation is necessary, guiding families through the process in healthier ways — especially for children.

Brian regularly teaches therapists, attorneys, and other professionals on marriage, conflict, infidelity, co-parenting, and divorce. Outside the office, he enjoys time with his wife, following the adventures of their four adult daughters, reading, and spending time outdoors.

Brian Burns, LMFT
MN Relationship Repair
brian@mnrelationshiprepair.com | 651-505-3418
https://www.mnrelationshiprepair.com/

 

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I love museums, and fortunately, so does my family.  When my kids were little, my husband and I often took them to the Minnesota Children’s Museum in St. Paul.  In addition to the exhibits, the Museum has ways for kids to just be.  I loved watching my kiddos create, tinker, discover, and play.  The “Seven Powers of Play,” developed by the Museum, are core developmental benefits that children acquire through play.  As I observed their little imaginations running wild, it struck me (and bears repeating) that we all need to play.  Throughout the Museum, families could discover fun facts, quotes, and ideas, along with boards that listed a separate “power” of play:

  1. Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.
  2. Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe.
  3. (Self)-Control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors.
  4. Confidence– to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.
  5. Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.
  6. Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision.
  7. Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

So, all of you who are parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles can appreciate this list, right?  Play is powerful!  In “Our World” a Minnesota “city” is set up in the Museum so the kiddos can shop at the farmer’s market, get packages ready for mailing at the post office, pretend to drive a fire truck, create signs, and so on.  The “Powers of Play No. 5, Collaboration” board really caught my eye in this area.  On it was the following:

Skills in Action:

  • Cooperating with others to identify and pursue a common goal
  • Showing compassion and sympathy
  • Asking thoughtful questions and making connections

Power the Play

  • Encourage children to try out new roles
  • Let a child’s story unfold naturally
  • Add a plot twist: “What would happen if…?

Hmmm…if young children can learn and apply collaborative skills, then surely adults can, right?

So, taking a lesson from the Children’s Museum, we will dive a bit deeper in Part 2 and take these skills and powers to see how they can fit into a Collaborative divorce.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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When Minnesota couples choose Collaborative Divorce, they are choosing a process designed to resolve divorce without court, without escalation, and without unnecessary financial damage. At the center of this process is a role many people have never heard of—but one that often makes a significant difference in long-term outcomes: the Financial Neutral. A Financial Neutral does not advocate for one spouse over the other. Instead, the role is to provide objective, forward-looking financial guidance so both individuals can make informed decisions that support long-term stability. Many Financial Neutrals hold advanced credentials such as Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® (CDFA®) and Certified Financial Planner™ (CFP®), bringing a deeper level of financial insight to the collaborative process.

In Minnesota, Collaborative Divorce is a voluntary, non-litigation process where each spouse retains their own collaboratively trained attorney, a Financial Neutral is jointly engaged, and in many cases a parenting or mental health professional is included to support communication and family dynamics. Everyone involved commits to resolving issues outside of court. The Financial Neutral works for the process—not for either party—providing unbiased financial analysis, translating complex financial information into clear and understandable options, ensuring transparency and accuracy, and keeping the focus on long-term outcomes rather than short-term positioning.

The role of the Financial Neutral becomes especially important in gray divorce, which continues to rise across Minnesota. For couples over 50, financial decisions often carry permanent consequences. Many are navigating retirement that is already underway or approaching, pensions, 401(k)s, IRAs, and Social Security benefits, as well as long-held real estate and healthcare considerations such as Medicare and insurance transitions. A Financial Neutral helps couples understand not just how assets are divided, but how each decision impacts lifetime income, taxes, and long-term financial independence.

Within the collaborative process, the Financial Neutral brings clarity to complex financial decisions by preparing clear summaries of assets and debts, developing post-divorce cash flow and budget projections, and presenting side-by-side settlement scenarios. This allows both spouses to work from the same set of information and make decisions based on facts rather than fear. In Minnesota, where equitable division does not always mean equal and equal does not always lead to equal outcomes, the Financial Neutral plays a critical role in evaluating retirement sustainability, Social Security strategies, tax implications, and long-term healthcare costs. The focus is not simply on dividing assets, but on ensuring both individuals can maintain financial stability after the divorce.

Because the Financial Neutral is jointly retained, the process often reduces conflict, time, and overall cost. There is one shared financial analysis, fewer outside experts are needed, and less time is spent disputing numbers. This can significantly reduce legal fees and improve efficiency for both spouses. Just as importantly, the Financial Neutral supports better decision-making during what is often a stressful and emotional transition. By slowing the process enough to allow for thoughtful and informed decisions, the Financial Neutral helps ensure outcomes are aligned with long-term goals, which is particularly important in long-term marriages.

Collaborative Divorce in Minnesota is a team-based approach. The Financial Neutral works alongside collaboratively trained family law attorneys, and often with mental health or communication professionals, to support both spouses together. This integrated model helps align legal, financial, and emotional considerations so they work together rather than in opposition. As a result, many Minnesota couples choose Collaborative Divorce because it preserves assets that might otherwise be spent on litigation, encourages transparency and trust, allows for customized solutions rather than court-imposed outcomes, and supports respectful communication throughout the process.

Divorce does not have to be a financial battle. With the right structure and professional support, it can be a carefully planned transition. A Financial Neutral helps clarify complex financial decisions, reduce unnecessary conflict and cost, protect retirement and long-term financial security, and support informed, durable agreements. For many Minnesota families, Collaborative Divorce offers a respectful, non-litigation path forward that honors both the financial and emotional realities of divorce.

If you are considering divorce in Minnesota and want to better understand how Collaborative Divorce or mediation works—especially from a financial perspective—a conversation can be a helpful place to start. You don’t need to have everything figured out. You just need a place to begin. If it feels helpful, you’re welcome to schedule a confidential conversation to explore your options.

About the Author

Michelle Leisen, CFP®, CDFA® is the founder of Divorce Smart and a member of the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute. With over 27 years of experience in financial planning and investment management, she serves as a Financial Neutral in Collaborative Divorce, helping couples navigate complex financial decisions with clarity and confidence. Michelle brings a thoughtful, client-centered approach, translating financial details into practical options that support long-term stability—especially in gray divorce. She holds a degree from the University of Minnesota and attended William Mitchell School of Law.

Michelle Leisen, CDFA®, CFP®
Mediator, Financial Neutral
Divorce Smart LLC
michelle@wealthplanninggroupmn.com | 612-419-9956
https://www.mydivorcesmart.com

 

 

 

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Child Inclusive Mediation is a process that allows children to have a voice in the divorce process.  In Child Inclusive Mediation, divorcing parents and their attorneys bring in two professionals, one an experienced mediator, and the other a trained mental health professional that has experience working with children.  That mental health professional will meet with the child or children of the divorcing parents, separately and one-on-one with the child, and outside of the mediation process.  That mental health professional then attends the mediation, along with the mediator, divorcing parents, and parents’ attorneys.  At the mediation, the mental health professional shares what he or she learned from speaking with the children about how they are navigating the divorce, the good things they experience at each parent’s house, the concerns they have at each parent’s house, and their hopes and desires for what the best schedule looks like to them.  The parties and the mediator, along with their attorneys, then mediate to seek a resolution that is in their child’s or children’s best interests, based on the information shared from the mental health professional.

While children do not make decisions about a parenting plan, rather parents do, a child’s voice can have strong weight as to what schedule will be implemented by parents.  Often parents are not aware of their own child’s wishes or desires, either because the parent hasn’t heard the child express them, or because the child is afraid to express them out of fear of hurting a parent.  The Child Inclusive Mediation can be a safe place for the child to share his or her feelings, without having to confront a parent or tell a parent directly.

Often parents ask, “well when can my child have a voice?” or “how old does my child have to be before he or she gets a say in parenting time?”.  Minnesota Statutes do not provide a bright line strict age for when children get a say in parenting time, but there is a general consensus that once a child reaches teenage years (13), that child is generally of sufficient age to express a preference.  Expression of a preference does not equate to that is what will be implemented by parents or the Court, but it can be a strong guiding hand.  And certainly the older a child gets, and the closer they are to emancipation (16/17), the stronger that voice will be heard.

In the Collaborative Law practice, the parents make a commitment to stay out of Court.  By engaging in Child Inclusive Mediation in the Collaborative Law practice, the parents are making a commitment to stay out of court and to allow their teenage child or children to have a voice in how their daily life looks, given their age.  Child Inclusive Mediation provides a safe place for children’s voices to be heard, without parents questioning or confronting their child or children.  Parents can then use that information to come up with a parenting time schedule and parenting plan that can put their child or children on the best path to success as a young adult, through emancipation, and beyond into adulthood.

Reach out to a Collaborative Law attorney for a consultation to begin your journey in the Collaborative Law practice and inquire about child inclusive mediation.

About the Author

Laura Schultz was admitted to practice law in the State of Minnesota in 2006 and has been practicing family law for 20 years.  After clerking for a Judge in the Hennepin County District Court for three years from 2006 to 2009, she joined Tuttle Bergeson, P.A. in 2009 as an associate attorney practicing in the areas of family law and estate planning.  After working as an associate at the firm for five years, Laura went into solo practice in 2014, forming the Laura L. Schultz Law Office.

Laura is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Minnesota State Bar Association, and the ARAG network of attorneys. Laura is also a member of Bloomington Rotary, Edina Federated Women’s Club, and the Edina Chamber of Commerce.

Laura’s primary focus of practice is family law.  Laura believes that amicable resolution of issues is often possible, with the client being empowered to make decisions.  In the event that litigation is necessary, Laura is an experienced litigator that has tried many cases to successful resolution.  However, families that engage in the Collaborative Law Practice predict to have children that have healthier lifestyles and less mental health issues later in life.

Every case is required to go through a type of alternative dispute resolution.  Laura is a Rule 114 Qualified Neutral, meaning she is qualified to perform Mediation and Early Neutral Evaluation of family law matters.  Laura is also a Parenting Consultant and Parenting Time Expeditor, helping families resolve their disputes after their divorce or separation as co-parents.

Laura Schultz, Esq.
Attorney
Laura L. Schultz Law Office
Laura@LauraSchultzLaw.com | (763) 333-2525
www.lauraschultzlaw.com

 

 

 

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“Can you refer me to a good family law attorney?” is a common question.  Thinking about this question, I often wonder what people mean when they say “good family law attorney?”  If you ask an attorney in a large firm, they often refer people to attorneys in large firms (their own if they have that practice group).  Large firm attorneys often know other large firm attorneys.  Does that mean they are “good”?  Ask yourself what “good” means to you, before you ask that question.

There are attorneys who do a lot of in-court litigation in family law.  Does that mean they are good?  It depends.  There are attorneys who do mainly out-of-court divorce work, like mediation, Collaborative divorce, or settlement focus.  Does that mean they are good?  Again, it depends.  Family law attorneys are supposed to talk to clients about all their process options.  Interestingly, some clients I have met with who have also met with other attorneys indicate that the other attorney only talked about the traditional court process, said little about mediation, and never spoke about the Collaborative process.  Attorneys who don’t talk about other options might do that for a variety of reasons.  Maybe they don’t practice Collaborative divorce and therefore can’t speak about it clearly or thoroughly.  Maybe they derive energy in the court process and see all divorce matters in the same light.  Maybe they are working in a system that does not reward settlement and fewer billable hours on a case-by-case basis.  Many attorneys start consultations like they are getting all the facts and can start making a legal analysis before they even understand what their potential client’s goals are.

When looking for a good family law attorney, pay attention to how they make you feel, if they are interested in you and what matters to you, or whether they seem to have a predisposition for “fighting”, “protecting”, “winning at the expense of”, or seem to be formulaic about process (i.e., “the first things we need to do is serve papers” or “go take half of the balance in the accounts and transfer it to your own account”, etc.)  There is a difference between having empathy for someone’s situation and feeding a fire and ultimately the conflict.  Are they curious?  Do they ask questions about your priorities, concerns, needs and fears?  Ask you what you want your process to look like or not look like?  Do they ask thoughtful questions about your children?  Do you notice that you feel relaxed and more at ease than you expected or do you feel tense and on edge?  Talking about their trial record may not be the best factor to base your decision on unless you already know that things will be challenging because your spouse is vengeful, litigious, righteous, abusive, inflexible, or other characteristics that mean it will be a fight.

Just because you are starting a divorce, does not mean that it needs to be a fight with someone winning and someone loosing.  A good attorney starts by listening, being curious and understanding what is most important to you.  And what is most important might not even be about specific legal outcomes.  Many people want their kids to come out of the divorce unscathed, want the ability to co-parent, be happy and not totally stressed out for the next  number of months or year during the process.  Or people want to have a better sense of cost rather than a blank check into the world of divorce court.  Many people want to know they will be ok emotionally, financially, and feel good about the settlement and not carry resentment about the outcomes and process.  Divorce is hard enough as it is and the process does not need to make it worse.  And who you choose to work with and how they approach their work can make a significant difference about how your divorce goes and how much it costs.

So, ask questions like:

  • What is your favorite part of your job or do you like your work?
  • Why do you practice family law?
  • How often do you go to trial or settle cases well in advance of trial (not on the court steps)?
  • How do you support client self-determination?
  • If you know who your spouse’s attorney is, ask if they know them and how they work together?
  • How do you handle conflict in your cases?
  • How many cases have you had in the last 2 years go to trial or pre-trial?

Look for:

  • Honesty and sincerity
  • Empathy and compassion
  • Good listening skills
  • Creative problem solving
  • Promptness
  • Curiosity
  • Word choice and language can tell a lot about an attorneySo, once you know what qualities are important to you in your divorce process and your attorney, who is tending to the most important relational matter you will likely have, you may end up asking someone instead, “Do you know any family law attorneys who support effective co-parenting and minimizing conflict between spouses and understand that we are still a family system but in a different configuration?”  You may get a very different referral.  Ask the question about a good attorney that includes some qualifiers of what that means to you.  Or, find an attorney who practices Collaborative divorce, even if you end up not doing a formal Collaborative process.  They often believe in client self-determination and informed decision making and understand that you will still be a family system but in two homes.  And they tend to be responsive and timely in their work and value good working relationships with clients and the other attorney.  Take it from 20+ years of experience working with court focused attorneys and collaborative attorneys.  Check out this link to connect with collaborative professionals in Minnesota and find one that is right for you. https://collaborativelaw.org/find-a-professional-2/

About the Author

Louise Livesay-Al has been practicing family law, primarily in out-of-court process options, for over 20 years.  She worked for four years at the Minnesota Court of Appeals learning about family law and seeing the limits of the court system for families.  She works regularly with collaborative and non-collaborative attorneys and understands the benefits of working towards a mutually agreeable settlement for both people in the divorce and knows that kids usually fare better when parents reach a joint resolution rather than fighting it out.  Her firm, The Law Shop Minnesota, offers full representation, mediation, and a la carte services in family law.  Check out www.thelawshopmn.com and click “Get Started” to schedule a Shop Evaluation to learn more and create a plan for your future.

Louise Livesay-Al
Collaborative Attorney and Mediator
The Law Shop Minnesota
E: support@thelawshopmn.com | P: 651-344-6100
www.thelawshopmn.com

 

 

 

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In divorce agreements, it is common to see language such as:

“Spouse A shall refinance the mortgage within 90 days and remove Spouse B from liability.”

On paper, that sounds simple.

In practice, it often fails.

As mortgage professionals working alongside collaborative attorneys and financial neutrals, we regularly see well-intended refinance provisions unravel — not because someone refuses to cooperate, but because the refinance was never financially viable under lending guidelines.

The Most Common Reasons Divorce Refinances Fail

  1. Debt-to-Income Ratios Don’t Support the Loan

Post-divorce budgets differ dramatically from pre-divorce budgets.

Even if the payment appears affordable on a cash-flow worksheet, mortgage underwriting follows strict debt-to-income ratios that may produce a different result.

  1. Self-Employed Income Is Calculated Differently

This is one of the most misunderstood areas in divorce planning.

Attorneys and financial professionals often evaluate income based on gross business revenue or owner draws.

Mortgage underwriting does not.

For self-employed borrowers, we use:

  • Net income after expenses
  • Add-backs (when allowable under guidelines)
  • Two-year averages (in most cases)

This can significantly reduce qualifying income compared to what appears on a tax return summary or financial affidavit.

A refinance that seems feasible using gross income may not qualify when evaluated using underwriter-calculated net income.

  1. Support Income Is Not Yet Usable

For conventional and VA financing, lenders typically require:

  • A documented history of receipt (often six months)
  • Consistency
  • Three years of continuance from loan closing

If deadlines are set before those requirements are satisfied, the refinance may be structurally impossible.

  1. Equity and Reserve Requirements

Buyout structures increase loan balances.
Loan-to-value limits may restrict options.

Additionally, many programs require post-closing reserves. Asset division during divorce can unintentionally eliminate the liquidity required for approval.

The Collaborative Opportunity

Refinance provisions fail not because of bad intent — but because mortgage feasibility wasn’t analyzed early enough.

A pre-settlement underwriting review allows the team to:

  • Set realistic timelines
  • Structure viable buyouts
  • Identify alternative options
  • Avoid post-decree surprises

Case Study

We had a client that was getting ready to sign the divorce decree…it was a collaborative case.  The client sent the decree to me prior to signing.  Upon review we noticed that the total income would not support the refinance.   In this case the divorce client was also getting support payments for a total of 10 years.  We were not far off…the solution was to front end load some of the support payments and reduce the overall term of the payout.  The attorneys and the client reviewed the suggestion and were able to make the numbers work and the client was able to get the home refinanced and complete the divorce.

Mortgage strategy integrated early strengthens the durability of the final agreement.

About the Author

Dave Jamison is a divorce mortgage strategist and co-owner of Rainbow Mortgage Inc., an independent mortgage brokerage licensed in Minnesota, Florida, and North Dakota. With more than 26 years in residential lending—including 13 years as an underwriter for Fortune 500 mortgage institutions—Dave brings deep, practical expertise to complex divorce-related real estate matters.

What sets Dave apart is his underwriting foundation. Rather than approaching cases from a sales perspective, he evaluates them through the lens of how loans are actually approved—income calculations, debt ratios, reserve requirements, and documentation standards. This allows him to assess feasibility early in the divorce process, helping prevent refinance provisions that later fail and ensuring agreements align with real-world lending guidelines.

Dave and his wife, Gale, founded Rainbow Mortgage Inc. in 1999, initially serving borrowers with complex financial situations. In 2004, he began specializing in divorce mortgage planning, applying his expertise to support attorneys, mediators, and financial neutrals. Since then, he has spent more than two decades helping collaborative teams structure realistic refinance timelines, evaluate buyout options, and avoid post-decree mortgage breakdowns.

He is particularly skilled in analyzing self-employed income, support income, and multi-property scenarios—areas where legal and financial assumptions often diverge from underwriting standards. Known for his calm, direct, and non-adversarial approach, Dave provides clear, objective guidance that supports durable agreements.

David Jamison
Rainbow Mortgage, Inc.
E: dave@rainbowmortgageinc.com | Ph: 952-405-2090
www.RainbowMortgageInc.com