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Visits to the Minnesota Children’s Museum, when my kiddos were little tykes, were the inspiration for these articles.  As a recap, the Museum emphasizes the power of play for children, and lists the following as skills children learn from playing:

  1. Creative thinking
  2. Critical thinking
  3. (Self)-Control
  4. Confidence
  5. Collaboration
  6. Communication
  7. Coordination

In Part 3, we took a deep dive into the 5th skill, collaboration.  Now, we are going to illustrate how grown-ups can utilize the collaborative skills they learned as kids, in a Collaborative Divorce.

As previously mentioned, the Children’s Museum has a board on each of the above skills to illustrate what the skills look like and how parents and teachers can encourage children to grow those skills.  Here’s the board for Collaboration:

In Action – Joining forces to pursue a common goal because two heads are better than one:

  • Adjusting to others’ ideas
  • Showing compassion and sympathy
  • Valuing the contributions of others

You enhance this power of play when you:

  • Encourage children to take on other roles
  • Give them a chance to work through conflict
  • Model cooperative behavior

We can think of many examples of kids learning these skills and working together to build a sandcastle, create a dinosaur army, build a structure with blocks, and so forth.  While divorce is more emotional than building a sandcastle, the skill is incredibly useful in the process.

Adjusting to others’ ideas

Often, divorce is about “he said, she said” but it’s really about accepting that the other person has their own ideas about “things.”  Different ideas, however, may actually have commonalities.  Part 3 defined collaboration as engaging with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.  Although discussing goals, especially shared goals during a divorce seems counterintuitive, it shouldn’t be.  In fact, it’s the foundation of the Collaborative Divorce Process.  Divorcing parents have at least one common, shared goal: to ensure that their kids are ok, and this includes older, even adult children, and relationships.  If the divorcing couple doesn’t have children, they often raise the common goal of having financial security after the divorce.  Most couples have several common goals, but these two are almost, if not always, at the top.  Collaboration in a divorce is crucial to the future well-being of everyone in the family and those relationships going forward.  Adjusting to someone else’s ideas will likely lead to cooperating with the other person in the pursuit of the common (shared) goal.

If a divorcing couple’s tantamount goal is to make sure their kids are ok (and clearly define what “ok” looks like), they can (re)learn how to play nice in the divorce sandbox together.  Guided by their Collaborative Divorce team, the couple will figure out which toys or tools to use or play with in the sandbox, what they want to build or do, and go from there.

Showing compassion and sympathy

I would add or perhaps substitute empathy for sympathy.  Everyone wants to feel understood.  It is a basic human need, and divorcing partners can still feel empathy for each other.  If one spouse wants to receive more savings or cash in the divorce settlement, the other spouse might get irritated by such a request.  But looking at the underlying reason (a stay-at-home spouse wants to finish that college degree) the other spouse should at least be able to acknowledge the “why” behind the “want.”  They don’t need to agree to it right away, but it’s important they put themselves in the shoes of the other to understand what’s behind the goal (being self-sufficient).  Once the couple identifies their common goals, they will quickly figure out that if they cooperate and work together, they can accomplish their common goals.

Valuing the contributions of others

In a Collaborative Divorce, the foundation and anchors of the divorce are created with goal setting and brainstorming.  Final outcomes and decisions are based on underlying interests and values, rather than positions.  Each person’s goals and objectives are illustrated during the first meeting and any of the participants (spouses, attorneys, or neutrals) can ask pointed questions to really get at what is important to each person.

Active listening and thoughtful inquiries are ways to show that the contributions of the other person are valued.  This validation can help the divorcing couple connect in ways that will help them problem solve and move forward with the process.

Now, the magic can happen, and the team can enhance this process by doing any of all of the following: encouraging certain behavior, working through conflict, and modeling cooperation.

Encourage (people) to take on other roles

In a traditional marriage of kids and a stay-at-home and a breadwinner spouse, each spouse needs to rescind some of their historical tasks to fit in some of the other tasks.  For example, if the wife was out of the workforce and at-home with kids, she may not only want to go back to college to finish her degree (or get an advanced degree), but she may need to in order to support herself.  This is a new role for her.  Since she is working through her new role to support herself financially, the breadwinner parent will need to try out his new role by stepping up and taking on more of the tasks related to the children’s needs.  Skilled professionals can help the couple prepare for this new reality, and these new roles.

Give them a chance to work through conflict

Yes, conflict exists even in a Collaborative setting.  In fact, extremely high conflict situations can still utilize Collaboration.  And even if the case is low-conflict, let conflict happen.  The elephant in the room needs to be addressed, and as uncomfortable as it might seem at the time, once the conflict is out there, it usually isn’t as bad as people thought it would be.  Addressing it gets it out there, and often, it will hang in the room for a moment, and then pass through.

Model cooperative behavior

The professional team’s engagement with each other and the divorcing couple is respectful, curious, and helpful.  We are truly rooting for this couple to get to the finish line together, and as unscathed as possible.  Divorce can be viewed as a problem to be solved, rather than a battle to be fought.  All the participants in the case are asked to bring their “higher” selves to the meetings.  Attorneys ask follow up questions to not only their respective clients, but to the “opposing” party.  People can rest assured that the “other” attorney won’t interrogate them – they won’t feel like they are being cross-examined.  No one is deposed, and there are no “gotcha!” questions, just clarifying and follow up questions so the professionals can help the couple navigate and reach post-divorce goals.

If children can collaborate, so can adults

Cooperation, respect, compassion, and empathy all have a space at the Collaborative Divorce table.  It is absolutely a better process for divorcing couples.  It isn’t easy, but divorce in and of itself isn’t easy.  The assumptions going into the process are that people are generally good, want to do right by their kids and have a cordial co-parenting relationship, and move on with their lives.  So instead of paying attorneys to fight in court, divorcing couples work with each other and their legal team to create an outcome that helps the couple move on as individuals, while strengthening family relationships going forward.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

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People sometimes assume I got into divorce real estate because I went through one myself. I didn’t — at least not directly. But after more than 22 years as a traditional Realtor®, I’ve watched enough home sales get tangled up in divorce to know it stays with you. Once you’ve seen it up close, you can’t really unsee it.

What I kept noticing

Early in my career, I treated the word “divorce” in a transaction like any other detail — something to note and move past. If I was representing both spouses in the sale of their home, I approached it the same way I approached any other sale.

It didn’t take long to realize something was missing from that approach.

There was nothing dramatic about it — just a series of quiet signals that this situation called for something different. I watched two people who once trusted each other completely begin second-guessing every number I gave them. I saw a spouse agree to a listing price simply to avoid another argument, not because they believed it reflected the home’s true value. And despite my best efforts to stay neutral, I sometimes found myself perceived as having taken one side over the other. That’s the part that stayed with me.

The training I’d received as a real estate agent simply wasn’t built for this kind of transaction. It assumed a buyer and seller who were largely aligned on the outcome and willing to lean on a real estate professional to guide them there together. Divorce rarely works that way. Both people still need the same facts, the same transparency, the same fair process — but they may no longer be willing to trust the same person to deliver it to both of them at once. That realization changed how I approached these transactions entirely.

The moment it clicked

There was one transaction in particular that changed how I looked at this work. I won’t get into the details, out of respect for the clients — but I watched a couple lose weeks, and a fair amount of goodwill, arguing over what their home was worth.

The value itself wasn’t really the issue. Trust was. Neither of them fully believed I could give an objective opinion without putting a thumb on the scale for the other. I was an experienced agent by that point, but nothing in my training had prepared me for two divorcing homeowners whose interests, emotions, attorneys, finances, and futures were all tangled together in one transaction. I knew how to price a home, market it, negotiate it. Divorce real estate asked for something else entirely.

That experience sat with me for a long time. I remember thinking there had to be a version of this profession built specifically for situations like this one — where the real estate professional’s value isn’t just getting a house sold, but being someone, both people can trust equally when they may no longer trust each other.

That question is what led me to the Ilumni Institute and, eventually, the Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE®) designation. Earning it was never about padding a resume or adding a credential to my marketing materials. It was the first time I’d come across training that actually spoke to what I kept encountering in these transactions — real strategy and structure for situations that traditional real estate education simply wasn’t built to handle.

What changed

Becoming a CDRE® didn’t just add letters after my name. It changed how I do the work. Somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking of my role in these cases as “advocating” for one client. Instead, I came to see myself as a trusted neutral advisor — someone both spouses could rely on during a process that was already asking so much of them. It’s a subtle shift, but one that matters more than it might seem. When a home is part of a divorce, decisions about value, repairs, timing, communication, access, and offers can quietly become extensions of the larger conflict, even when none of them would carry that weight in a typical sale.

My job isn’t to choose a side. It’s to bring clarity, consistency, and real estate expertise to a process that can already feel like too much.

I also learned how important it is to work alongside the other professionals involved — family law attorneys, mediators, financial professionals, other neutrals — instead of operating in my own separate lane. The house doesn’t exist apart from the divorce. It touches cash flow, support calculations, debt, equity distribution, and what life looks like for both people once everything is finalized. Recognizing that bigger picture reshaped the way I approach every transaction.

The learning hasn’t stopped, either. For the past three years I’ve continued building on that foundation through the CDRE® Master Program, an advanced track that includes case studies, business planning, and ongoing education focused specifically on divorce real estate. I’ve stayed committed to it because these transactions rarely follow a standard playbook — every case brings its own mix of personalities, finances, legal considerations, and family dynamics. And the more I’ve learned, the clearer one thing has become: my role in divorce real estate isn’t simply to close a transaction. It’s to help ensure the house doesn’t become one more thing two people have to fight about while they’re already navigating one of the hardest transitions of their lives.

Finding Common Ground with the Collaborative Process

One thing I didn’t expect when I started this work was how much respect I’d develop for the collaborative divorce process itself.

There’s real value in bringing together professionals who each know their own lane but are also trained to move toward resolution rather than conflict. The goal isn’t for one side to “win” — it’s to create a process where clients can make informed decisions, with the right expertise in the room at the right time. That mindset closely mirrors how I now approach real estate in these situations. A neutral real estate professional can provide clear, reliable information about the property and the market without adding to the tension, while attorneys handle the legal side and financial professionals manage theirs. Everyone plays a defined role, and when those roles work well together, it’s the clients who come out ahead.

Why I keep doing this work

Divorce real estate isn’t the easiest niche. It asks for more patience, more composure, and a lot more listening than a typical sale. But I keep doing it because I’ve seen what it looks like when it goes right — when two people ending a marriage can still walk away from the house decision feeling like they were both treated fairly. That’s not a small thing. For a lot of clients, it’s one of the only parts of the process that felt calm.

About the Author

Shannon Lindstrom is a Realtor® with RE/MAX Results serving Minneapolis, St. Paul, and the greater Twin Cities, with a specialty in divorce real estate. As a Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert (CDRE®), Shannon helps clients navigate the sale or purchase of a home during divorce, serving as a neutral, informed resource during an often complex and emotional transition.

She works collaboratively with attorneys, mediators, financial professionals, and other members of the divorce team to help preserve home equity, reduce conflict, and support informed decision-making. Known for her direct communication and steady, detail-oriented approach, Shannon provides clients with clarity and confidence when it matters most.

Shannon is also a Certified Military Residential Specialist (MILRES), Military Relocation Professional (MRP), and Veterans Certified Real Estate Agent (VCA), bringing additional expertise to military members, veterans, and their families.

Shannon Lindstrom, Realtor®,
AHWD, CDRE®, GREEN, MILRES, MRP, VCA
RE/MAX Results
Direct: 612-616-9714 | www.ShannonLindstromRealtor.com

 

 

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In my last post, on June 10, The Good News About Being Part of the Problem, I wrote about the power of seeing your own contribution to what’s going wrong in your marriage. That’s the first move. But it stays abstract until you know what you’re actually looking for.

In years of sitting with couples, I keep seeing the same handful of patterns show up — dressed differently each time, but built from the same parts. Most people don’t recognize their own until somebody names it for them. So here are eight of the most common, and a story about the one I know best, because it’s mine.

None of these are evidence of a bad partner or a bad marriage. Almost everyone reaches for them trying to feel better, get closer, or fix something that feels broken. That’s the part that surprises people most in my office: the strategy usually starts as an honest attempt to solve the problem. The trouble is that none of them actually work — and most of the time, we’re not even choosing them consciously. They’re old habits: learned in childhood, carried over from an earlier relationship, or just wired into being human when we feel scared, criticized, or unseen. You picked them up somewhere because, once, they got you something. Safety. Distance from pain. A feeling of control. The problem is they were never built for a long-term, two-person system, and inside a marriage, they quietly do more damage than the thing they were meant to fix.

Most Common Losing Strategies in Modern Marriage

  1. Unregulated venting. Everyone has feelings, and every feeling deserves a hearing. But delivered in a thoughtless, harsh, unfiltered way, it becomes hard for your partner to stay open and still listen. The feeling was legitimate. The delivery is what shuts the door. It sounds like unloading everything that’s bothered you for three weeks in one sitting, voice rising as you go, until your partner stops listening and starts defending.
  2. Being right. Arguing about whose version of the truth is correct doesn’t make you and your partner better teammates. It makes you opponents in a debate nobody really wins, even when they do. It sounds like replaying the exact wording of something said two years ago, needing your partner to admit fault before you’ll let the topic go.
  3. Shaming, humiliating, intimidating. Communicating that someone is bad, or a less desirable person. This includes ridiculing someone, mocking, being sarcastic, humoring, patronizing, or being condescending. It sounds like “that was a stupid thing to do,” delivered with a laugh so it can be waved off as a joke if you get called on it.
  4. Controlling or demanding. Unless you’re someone’s boss, or you’ve been invited to weigh in, you can’t really tell another grown person what to do, or not do. The same applies to what to think, feel, or believe. It’s controlling. You might get what you want in the short term, but it will come with a lot of resentment. Requests work a lot better than demands. It sounds like “you need to call your mother back today” instead of “would you be willing to call your mother today?” Same request. Very different reception.
  5. Telling an adult what he or she thinks. We can only speak for ourselves, and know what we alone think and feel. We cannot know that for another person, and it almost always triggers the other person when we make this assumption. It sounds like “you don’t actually care about this” or “you’re just saying that to avoid the real issue” — narrating someone else’s inner life as though you have access to it.
  6. Covert contracts. This is the one I know best, because it’s mine. A covert contract is an agreement you make in your own head and never actually say out loud — then hold your partner to anyway. It sounds like nothing at all, because it’s silent: doing the dishes every night for a month, waiting for it to be noticed and reciprocated, and quietly building a case against your partner when it isn’t.

I’m a classic pursuer. There’s a part of me — an adaptive child, formed long before I ever sat across from a couple in therapy — that wants every moment to feel meaningful and powerful. I love validation. I go looking for it, and when I don’t find it, I go looking harder.

For a long time, that meant criticizing my wife, quietly and not so quietly, for not giving me the feedback I was chasing. I’d do something thoughtful, or bring something up that mattered to me, and then wait — scanning her face, her tone, her timing, for the specific kind of enthusiastic acknowledgment I was hoping for. When it didn’t come in the form I wanted, I told myself I wasn’t being seen. I never actually said what I wanted, at a good time, in plain language. I just expected her to know, and held it against her when she didn’t. That’s a covert contract, textbook — terms she never agreed to, penalties she didn’t know she was risking.

What changed things wasn’t her. It was learning to sit back, let things happen, and focus on what I can do to love well, instead of what I’m getting back and grading. I also had to actually learn how she shows love, which looks almost nothing like what I was scanning for — steadier, quieter, less about the big meaningful moment and more about consistency I’d been too busy scorekeeping to notice. We argue less now. Not because the pattern disappeared entirely — I don’t think these things fully disappear — but because I catch it sooner, and I stopped holding her to a contract I never let her read.

  1. Retaliation or punishment. Punishing your partner through the silent treatment, insults, control, or manipulation will not heal wounds. It only makes them deeper. It sounds like going quiet for two days after a fight, not because you’re regulating, but because you want them to feel the cold.
  2. Withdrawal, avoidance, ignoring. Pulling back, avoiding the hard parts, or checking out completely may feel safer at first, but it makes it very hard to actually fix the problem. It sounds like “let’s just drop it,” said in a tone that means the opposite of resolution — the topic isn’t dropped, it’s buried.

These strategies rarely show up alone, and almost nobody uses just one. They tend to pair off, too. A pursuer chasing validation often ends up across from a partner who withdraws to get some room. Someone who demands and controls often meets someone who shuts down to avoid the fight altogether. One person’s unregulated venting can be the very thing that trains their partner toward retaliation or the silent treatment. You end up with two people, each convinced the other one started it, both technically right, and both still stuck.

They also show up because they used to work, somewhere, for someone — even if they’re not serving you or your marriage well now. A kid who got shamed into compliance learns that shame gets results. A kid who got the silent treatment learns that withdrawal is how you cope with conflict, or how you win it. None of that makes the strategy okay in your marriage today. But it does make it human, and worth some compassion as you look at it.

None of this is about which one of you is worse. It’s the same lesson as last time: once you can see the strategy clearly, you have something real to work with. Not more effort aimed at your partner. More clarity aimed at yourself.

Naming It Is the First Step, Not the Last

Reading this list and recognizing yourself in it is useful. It’s also not the same as changing the pattern. These strategies got wired in over years, sometimes decades, and they don’t unwind just because you can now put a name to them. Under stress, in the actual moment a hard conversation starts, most people default straight back to whatever strategy they know best — right up until they’ve had real practice doing something different.

That practice is most of what happens in couples therapy. Not lectures about communication, but an actual place to slow the moment down, catch the strategy as it starts, and try the alternative with someone in the room who can help you both see it clearly. It’s a lot easier to change a covert contract, or unregulated venting, or the instinct to withdraw, when you’re not doing it alone.

If you recognized yourself in one of these strategies, or you’re not sure which kind of conversation you’re ready for, I’d be glad to talk.

About the Author

For more than 25 years, Brian Burns has worked with adults navigating relationship crisis — couples questioning whether to stay together, parents struggling to co-parent after divorce, and individuals uncertain whether therapy can still help. Brian is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of MN Relationship Repair in Woodbury, Minnesota, specializing in couples therapy, Discernment Counseling, Collaborative Divorce coaching, and co-parenting support.

He is especially known for helping couples on the brink of divorce navigate conflict, infidelity, emotional distance, and long-standing relationship patterns. Some arrive hoping to repair the relationship; others are uncertain whether repair is possible. Brian helps couples slow down, better understand what is happening between them, and make thoughtful, informed decisions about their future.

Brian is trained in multiple models of couples therapy and Discernment Counseling. He has served as an Approved Supervisor for the Minnesota Board of Marriage and Family Therapy for more than 20 years and has held leadership roles with the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, including Board Director and Co-President.

A self-described “fan of marriage,” Brian brings both honesty and accountability to his work. He is committed to helping couples strengthen relationships whenever possible and, when separation is necessary, guiding families through the process in healthier ways — especially for children.

Brian regularly teaches therapists, attorneys, and other professionals on marriage, conflict, infidelity, co-parenting, and divorce. Outside the office, he enjoys time with his wife, following the adventures of their four adult daughters, reading, and spending time outdoors.

Brian Burns, LMFT
MN Relationship Repair
brian@mnrelationshiprepair.com | 651-505-3418
https://www.mnrelationshiprepair.com/

 

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…easier said than done. The tension to which I refer is the tension inherent in maintaining a balance between keeping our children secure, making sure they have a safety net while simultaneously maintaining enough distance that we are able to accommodate their developing need for autonomy and independence. At every developmental stage there are tasks to be accomplished, skills to be mastered so that our children can move to the next stage with confidence and competence. If we attain that balance, our children will find themselves thriving in just the right “holding environment.” Just as we swaddle and hold infants to keep them comfortable and content, parenting older children requires that we hold them metaphorically

This task is challenging under the best of family circumstances, let alone when the family system itself is under increased duress. Such are the times of conflict, separation, or divorce. During these periods, children feel the added tension, often worry about their parents, and may be concerned about what will happen next.

Very young children, who miss very little and tend to misinterpret most of it, may understand only happy or sad, safe or scared, protected or hurt, accepted or rejected, loved or unloved. During the preschool years, children are just learning about relationships while having little experience with them and only a very concrete context in which to understand them. In addition to the basic love and affection needed by all of us, children require limits and boundaries, a pattern of behavior to follow. They rely on simple, clear routines and guidelines and a safe environment for exploration in order to grow cognitively and socially. All of these may be interrupted during times of high family stress and parental conflict or separation. They need adults to help them delay gratification, to reinforce self-calming strategies, to help them learn to manage their impulsivity, and to provide calmness and consistency. To help them move on, we must let them move around, fall down, make mistakes, and get up. We must help them learn the difference between what is theirs and what isn’t, whether we are talking about physical space, personal boundaries, or possessions. When parents are focused on each other in a less-than-wholesome manner or on themselves out of worry and self-protection, they may have less time and energy for positive parenting. In the author’s experience, young children who have been asked to draw a picture of Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house and the way between them most frequently draw pictures of roads with monsters, fire, and other hazards.

In the early elementary grades, children continue to need warmth, affection, and nurturing. However, teachers do not provide the same amount of physical closeness that parents do. Their nurturing comes more in the form of their encouragement and praise, their guidance and challenging of the children’s interests. Society continues to expect delay of gratification and impulse control. In maintaining a somewhat greater distance than parents, teachers help the children to set their own boundaries in the classroom community.  At the same time, children in families with emotional distress may act out rather than express their feelings and have increasing behavioral difficulty at school.  These children are involved in the task of identification, being “like” Mommy or Daddy. How does what they witness between their parents impact their sense of themselves? In one picture drawn for the artist, a child who was asked to draw a picture of Mommy, Daddy, and herself, drew a red Mommy, a blue Daddy, and herself half of each color. Imagine what the parent can learn who asserted that it didn’t impact their daughter if she heard them make scathing comments about the other parent. It is important for children to have adults model appropriate expression of feelings, teach the difference between what is “true” and what is “not true,” to help the children with acquiring basic self-advocacy skills and to reinforce the concept of compromise. They need us to model appropriate social behavior, to enforce rules, and to expect from them responsibility for their choices, their actions, and their possessions. In helping them move on, we work with them to explore their role in the family and the school community, to clarify their relationships with peers and adults, and to understand the kindness and reciprocity in true friendship.

In the later grades of elementary school,  children’s developmental tasks include building their social skills repertoire, developing stronger peer relations and more consistent groups of friends, and assuming increasing responsibility in tasks and relationships. To provide an appropriate holding environment during these years, parents and teachers acknowledge and promote self-sufficiency, competence, and role definition. We hold children responsible for their own feelings and their own behavior, and we appropriately reinforce the authority of adults in the home and school communities. These tasks cannot be accomplished successfully when children have anxiety, deep sadness, sleeplessness, or what they may perceive to be anger at them. These children may not understand the difference between having a voice or a vote in family decisions and may experience very strong confusion and a divided sense of loyalty or may perceive one parent to be all good and the other to be all bad.

Even stages of adolescent and young adult development can impacted by having parents who are separating or divorcing. Adolescents may tend to vote with their feet or have a sense of empowerment that belies their age and development. Maintaining stability in an environment flooded by a hormonal potage can challenge the best developmental expert.

The “growing” of loving, competent, and happy adults begins at birth. We hold our children as they develop, allow them to make mistakes and learn lessons, encourage them to enhance self-esteem. We challenge them to become their best selves by providing optimal frustration, expectations for personal responsibility and accountability, and the luxury of time and patience while they learn who they can become. When they decide they can ride alone on their bike to the corner, we encourage them to ride all the way around the block and greet them on their return with a high five and a hug. We prepare them for their lives ahead by protecting them only so much on their journey. Slowly but surely, we allow them to be exposed to the frustrations and challenges of day-to-day living so that they can demonstrate resilience, competence, and satisfaction with themselves and the rest of their intimate community.

In Collaborative Divorce, parents receive additional support and encouragement they need together from a team on which they have worked together toward preserving as many of their hopes and dreams for their children as possible. They have the opportunity to acquire additional information and skills related not only to negotiation and conflict resolution, affective expression, communication, and child development. They have the opportunity to work together in a monitored and mediated process to enhance not only their children’s development, but their own as well. The autonomy, management, and decision-making are theirs and theirs alone, supported by competent, informed, and caring professionals working with them on their team.

About the Author

Gay is a CLI-MN member working in eclectic and inspired ways to support children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families through the typical and extreme challenges they may face in their lives. She is committed to preventing high conflict divorce and the related impact on children and parents. Gay says that she does this work because, “I love the opportunity to work as part of a team in leading families to and supporting them in wellness, in life-giving transactions and interactions; the opportunity to work toward their emotional health and well-being now and in the future of the children of our community”.

Gay Rosenthal, MA, LP
Psychologist/ Mental Health Professional
612-237-6547 | gay_rosenthal@me.com
https://rosenthal-psychology.com

 

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Divorce after 50 involves a different set of financial stakes than divorce earlier in life. There’s less runway to rebuild retirement savings, more complexity in how assets have grown over decades, and often a spouse who has been out of the workforce far longer than anyone planned for. Most of the decisions in a divorce settlement can be revisited or adjusted over time. A handful cannot. Getting those few right, the first time, matters more than almost anything else in the process.

This holds true no matter which path a couple takes to get there. Whether the case is mediated, handled collaboratively, or litigated with each spouse independently represented, the financial mechanics underneath the settlement don’t change. Here are five decisions worth slowing down for, regardless of which room the conversation happens in.

  1. Not knowing your post-divorce budget

Almost everything else in a gray divorce settlement depends on this one, which is exactly why it tends to get shortchanged. Most people, married or not, don’t have a clear picture of where their money goes each month. That’s a manageable gap during a marriage. It becomes a much bigger problem when someone needs to prove, with real numbers, what they need to live on going forward, especially for the spouse who hasn’t been the one handling the household finances.

In Minnesota this support is called spousal maintenance (some states use the term alimony; it’s the same concept). Need must be demonstrated, and the other spouse must have the ability to pay. A spouse who underestimates their future budget, or who waives maintenance without a realistic number behind that decision, often can’t go back and ask for it later. In some settlements that waiver is permanent. Others are structured as reserved, meaning maintenance could still be modified later if certain conditions are met, but that’s not something to assume without it being spelled out clearly in the decree. If the money runs out five or ten years down the road, a permanent waiver is usually the end of the road, and inflation only accelerates how fast a fixed amount of savings loses ground.

This same budget also drives the decision about the house, whether Social Security timing matters yet, and how to fairly divide accounts with very different tax treatments. Even when maintenance isn’t part of the conversation, a realistic budget built before the settlement is signed, rather than guessed at afterward, is one of the more valuable things a divorcing spouse can walk into negotiations with.

  1. Dividing assets without accounting for the tax bill

Not all assets are taxed the same way when they’re divided, and treating a dollar in one account as equivalent to a dollar in another is one of the more common and costly mistakes in a settlement.

A 401(k) or a private-employer pension requires a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO), a separate court order that must be drafted correctly and approved before any portion moves to a former spouse without penalty. Government, municipal, and military pensions use a similar but differently named order, since QDROs are specifically a private-sector concept; the mechanics are similar, but the terminology and the plan administrator’s rules differ. IRAs work differently still and don’t use either type of order; they’re divided through a direct transfer incident to divorce. The distinction matters because if the account owner withdraws or cashes out funds themselves instead of transferring them properly, the owner, not the receiving spouse, is the one who owes the tax and any early withdrawal penalty. This catches people off guard often enough that it’s worth stating plainly: whoever pulls the money out is the one who pays for it.

Brokerage accounts carry their own consideration, since assets with significant embedded capital gains can trigger a tax bill whenever they’re eventually sold, even though the split itself may be tax-free at the time of transfer. And the shift in filing status itself, from married filing jointly to single or head of household, compresses the income brackets each spouse now falls into, which changes the real, after-tax value of every account in the settlement. None of this needs to be resolved perfectly in the moment, but it needs to be on the table before assets are divided, not discovered afterward.

  1. Keeping the home without running the full numbers

The marital home is often the largest asset in a settlement, and the decision to keep it or sell it tends to get made emotionally long before it gets made financially. One spouse, often the one who wants to stay for stability or the children’s sake, may not have the ability to refinance the mortgage or buy out the other spouse’s share of the equity on their own.

The tax picture matters too. The capital gains exclusion on a home sale is $250,000 for a single filer and $500,000 for a married couple filing jointly, so whether the home is sold while still married or after the divorce is final can meaningfully change the tax outcome. And when one spouse keeps the home while the other receives an equivalent dollar amount in retirement accounts, that’s rarely an apples-to-apples trade; retirement dollars carry an embedded tax liability that home equity doesn’t, so a fair comparison requires tax-effecting both sides of that trade rather than comparing raw balances.

Underneath all of it is the budget question from the first section: can this person afford the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and upkeep on their post-divorce income? Sometimes the answer is yes. Often, running the full numbers reveals that keeping the house becomes a financial drag that outweighs the emotional value of staying, and selling turns out to be the more stable long-term choice.

  1. Claiming Social Security before running the numbers

If a marriage lasted ten years or longer, a former spouse may be eligible to claim Social Security benefits based on the other spouse’s earnings record, sometimes resulting in a higher monthly benefit than claiming on their own work history would provide. That same ten-year marker also opens the door to survivor benefits if the former spouse later passes away, which follow a different set of rules and can pay meaningfully more than the spousal benefit alone. There’s more strategy available here than most people realize: it’s sometimes possible to claim one benefit, survivor or retirement, while letting the other keep growing through delayed retirement credits, worth roughly 8% a year up to age 70, then switch to the larger benefit later. Getting that sequencing right depends entirely on the numbers and circumstances involved, and claiming the wrong way, or at the wrong time, can permanently close off the more valuable option. This is worth modeling out well before the benefit is needed, not in the months leading up to it.

  1. Letting beneficiaries and estate documents lag behind the divorce

This is the most common oversight, and one of the hardest to undo after the fact. Life insurance policies, retirement accounts, wills, powers of attorney (both financial and healthcare), healthcare directives, and trusts often still reflect a marriage that’s already ended, simply because updating them wasn’t part of anyone’s checklist.

Minnesota has a revocation-on-divorce statute that generally cancels a former spouse’s beneficiary designation once the divorce is final. It’s a useful backstop, but it shouldn’t be treated as a substitute for updating these documents directly. Statutes vary by state, coverage gaps exist, and the smarter, more reliable move is always to update beneficiaries and estate planning documents yourself in the weeks after a settlement, not to rely on a law to sort it out later. If something happens before that update is made, it usually can’t be undone.

Why this matters regardless of process

None of these five decisions depend on whether a divorce is mediated, collaborative, or litigated. They depend on whether someone with financial expertise is looking closely at the numbers before paperwork gets signed, starting with a realistic budget and carrying through every account, asset, and document that touches it. That’s true whether that expertise sits at the table as a neutral financial professional working with both spouses, or as an advisor supporting one spouse and their attorney through the process.

If you’re the one navigating this transition yourself, it’s worth asking your attorney or financial professional directly whether each of these has been addressed before you sign anything. And if you’re an attorney or mediator working with a client through a gray divorce, these are worth flagging early, well before the settlement is drafted. Once a divorce is entered into the court record, very little of it can be revisited, aside from modifiable items like child support or spousal maintenance review, and ongoing compliance between the parties. That’s exactly why these five decisions are worth getting right the first time.

Mike Miller, CFP®, CDFA®, is the founder of Integra Shield Financial Group and a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. He works with individuals and families navigating retirement and divorce transitions. Anyone working through their own gray divorce is welcome to reach out. So are family law professionals looking for a financial resource for clients.

Advisory Services offered through Cambridge Investment Research Advisors, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor. Securities offered through Cambridge Investment Research Inc., a Broker/Dealer, Member FINRA/SIPC. Integra Shield Financial Group and Cambridge are not affiliated. Neither Cambridge nor Integra Shield Financial Group provide legal or tax advice.

About the Author

Mike Miller, CFP®, CDFA®, is the founder of Integra Shield Financial Group in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, and a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota. He works with individuals and couples navigating retirement, gray divorce, and other major financial transitions, serving at times as a neutral financial professional in mediation and collaborative processes, and at other times as an advocate for one spouse working alongside family law counsel. Mike specializes in retirement income planning, Social Security optimization, and the financial complexities specific to divorce after 50. He’s a frequent speaker and educator on retirement income and financial well-being for both consumer and professional audiences.

Mike Miller, CFP®, CDFA®
Integra Shield Financial Group
Ph: (763) 201-1390
www.integrashieldfinancial.com

 

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One of the biggest mistakes we see during a divorce is trying to protect a low interest rate at all costs.

At first, it sounds like the obvious choice. But let’s see what it really costs.

The Situation

In 2020, you purchased a home with a $350,000 mortgage on a 30-year fixed loan at 3.25%.

Monthly principal and interest payment: About $1,523

Today: Your home is worth $550,000. You are keeping the home. You must pay your former spouse $100,000 for their share of the equity.

Now you have two options.

Option 1: Keep the Low Interest Rate

To avoid refinancing, you withdraw $100,000 from your retirement account.

Your 401(k) originally had $300,000 invested and has been averaging 6% annual growth.

If you leave the money invested, after five years your retirement account would grow to approximately:

$401,000

But after taking out $100,000, you only have $200,000 invested.

After five years, that account grows to only about: $268,000

The Real Cost Five years later…

Retirement account if you leave it alone: About $401,000

Retirement account after withdrawing $100,000: About $268,000

Difference: Approximately $133,000.

Most people focus on the fact that they “only” took out $100,000.

What they don’t see is that five years later, their retirement account is over $130,000 smaller than it could have been.

That’s the true cost of protecting that low mortgage rate.

Option 2: Refinance

Instead, let’s refinance.

Assume your current mortgage balance is about $304,000 and you borrow an additional $100,000 to buy out your former spouse.

New loan: About $404,000

Interest rate: 6.5%

New monthly principal and interest payment: About $2,556

That’s roughly $1,033 more per month than your old payment.

Yes, the payment is higher.

But your retirement account keeps growing.

The Lesson: Interest rates matter. But they aren’t the only number that matters.

We’ve seen many people make decisions based only on keeping a 3% mortgage, without realizing they may be giving up well over $100,000 in retirement savings over the next several years.

Every divorce is different.

Before you cash out your retirement to protect a low interest rate, make sure you’ve compared the true long-term cost of both options.

Sometimes the loan with the higher interest rate leaves you with more wealth in the long run.

About the Author

Dave Jamison is a divorce mortgage strategist and co-owner of Rainbow Mortgage Inc., an independent mortgage brokerage licensed in Minnesota, Florida, and North Dakota. With more than 26 years in residential lending—including 13 years as an underwriter for Fortune 500 mortgage institutions—Dave brings deep, practical expertise to complex divorce-related real estate matters.

What sets Dave apart is his underwriting foundation. Rather than approaching cases from a sales perspective, he evaluates them through the lens of how loans are actually approved—income calculations, debt ratios, reserve requirements, and documentation standards. This allows him to assess feasibility early in the divorce process, helping prevent refinance provisions that later fail and ensuring agreements align with real-world lending guidelines.

Dave and his wife, Gale, founded Rainbow Mortgage Inc. in 1999, initially serving borrowers with complex financial situations. In 2004, he began specializing in divorce mortgage planning, applying his expertise to support attorneys, mediators, and financial neutrals. Since then, he has spent more than two decades helping collaborative teams structure realistic refinance timelines, evaluate buyout options, and avoid post-decree mortgage breakdowns.

He is particularly skilled in analyzing self-employed income, support income, and multi-property scenarios—areas where legal and financial assumptions often diverge from underwriting standards. Known for his calm, direct, and non-adversarial approach, Dave provides clear, objective guidance that supports durable agreements.

David Jamison
Rainbow Mortgage, Inc.
Ph: 952-405-2090
www.RainbowMortgageInc.com

 

 

 

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July in Minnesota is the best!  The craziness of June slows a bit, and the summer, as we think of it here in the Midwest, kicks in to high-gear: it’s hot and humid, you have to constantly weed your garden, and the #1 thing to talk about is…the forecast, whether it’s good, bad, or just downright ugly.  We spend as much time as we can outside, hold on to those last glimmers of sunlight at 9:30, and finally retire inside with rosy cheeks and shoulders from forgetting to reapply sunscreen.  People are happier, Minnesota nice is even nicer, and there’s a palpable, upbeat energy everywhere you turn.

I have always loved the 4th of July holiday: growing up, it was a time to gather with friends, family, and neighbors, watch parades, slurp popsicles, run around in the sprinkler or slip ‘n’ slide, watch fireworks, and end the evening trying to catch fireflies.  For many families, it’s time for an extended family reunion, or perhaps camping, boating on the river, fishing in one of our many lakes, or going up north to the family cabin.

Often, holiday traditions of one generation pass to the next, and it’s important to honor those traditions if they are important to you.  If you are divorced, and a certain holiday holds special meaning, you can still carry out those traditions with your kids.  There’s no law that says you have to equally share or alternate holidays.  Obviously, if the holiday has special meaning to both parents, then share the time or alternate years.  For some people, the 4th of July is a HUGE holiday; for others, Memorial Day weekend is THE summer holiday and kick-off to summer, while the 4th is more chill.  An option, then is to exchange those holidays; rather, one parent always gets Memorial Day weekend and the other parent gets the 4th of July (it’s turned into a three-day weekend, even if it doesn’t fall on the weekend). 

It’s easy to fall into the default, every-other-year holiday schedule, but that might not be the best idea.  It might take a little time, but consider getting creative with the holiday schedule.  The younger your kids are, the longer the parenting plan and holiday schedule will be in place.  If you are mindful of the ages and stages of your kids and the holiday traditions of your family and your co-parent’s family, the holiday schedule could be a roadmap that helps with planning and organizing your life.

And if the 4th isn’t your thing and your kids are with your co-parent, then consider the early July holiday truly Independence Day.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com

SAVE THE DATE!

Dates: Three full-days basic training + Tune-up in September.
Thursday, April 22, 2027 (Happy Hour end of day Thursday scheduled for attendees at location TBD)
Friday, April 23, 2027
Friday, April 30, 2027
Time: 8:30-4:30 (Detailed timing and agenda TBD)
Location:  Edina, MN 55435 (Training room to be determined)

*Attendees must attend all sessions in order to complete the training and satisfy CLI membership and CE requirements.

Attendance Fees:
Members of CLI MN:
CLI MN members who have NOT taken this training before: $350
CLI MN members who have taken this training but would like a refresher: $150 (Please email cli@collaborativelaw.org for your registration code for this pricing.)
CLI MN Student members: $200.00
CLI MN Emeritus: $0
CLI MN Annual Partners: $350.00

Non-CLI MN members: $645
Not a member of CLI MN? (You will have the option of joining CLI MN at the selected member category rate and then attending the basic training for $350)
Student – Not a member of CLI: $200

**Discount Code: If you have a discount code to attend the training, you will enter it prior to checking out.

Continuing Education Credits: Pending approval of 18 Standard credits for: CLE, Board of Psychology, and LMFT. A certificate of attendance for self-filling of other credentials will also be provided.

Cancellation: Refunds for registration will be processed if notice of cancellation is received by April 15, 2027.

Note: If fewer than five registrants sign-up for the training, the training will be cancelled and paid registrants will be refunded. Deadline to register is April 15th.

Description:
Day I: Training on collaborative practice principles and fundamentals, the roles of the professionals on the interdisciplinary team, the paradigm shift, protocols of practice, the road map to resolution, and ethics.
Day II: A demonstration of the collaborative model, one involving a neutral coach/facilitator through performances of 13 vignettes depicting a full-team collaborative case from start to almost finish. The vignettes will give detailed insight into the roles of the neutral coach/facilitator, both attorneys, the neutral child specialist, and the neutral financial professional. The different clients in the vignettes present the team with challenging legal, relational, financial, and parenting issues. The performance will be instructive, practical, and hopefully, inspirational. Day 2 is informative for the experienced collaborative practitioner as well as the new collaborative practitioner.

Day III: Focuses on completing a case, advocacy, and ethics in the Collaborative process, what happens when you hit bumps in the road, talking to clients about this process, connecting with your profession and resources to build your practice.

Educational Level: Advanced

Tune-Up Training: September 2027, 9:00 AM – Noon. (Specific date to be determined.) Agenda will be based on a survey of attendees to learn where they feel additional instruction would be most helpful. (This follow-up session may or may not be additional CE credits.)

Training Committee Chairs:
Louise Livesay-Al | louise@thelawshopmn.com
Rebecca Randen | rebecca@randenlaw.com
For questions on registration contact: Sandy Beeson: cli@collaborativelaw.org

 

 

Date: September 24, 2026
Time: 9:00 AM-12 Noon
Location: 7701 France Ave., Edina, MN 55435, Training Room #115A
Who should attend: CLI members who have taken the NCE training within the last five years.
Continuing Education Credits: CE may or may not be available for this training.
No fee to attend, but registration is appreciated.
Description: The tune-up training session will be based on a survey of attendees to learn where they feel additional instruction would be most helpful.
Link to NCE Training Survey: Click here
Training Committee Chairs:
Louise Livesay-Al | louise@thelawshopmn.com
Rebecca Randen | rebecca@randenlaw.com

For questions on registration contact: Sandy Beeson: cli@collaborativelaw.org

 

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In Part 1, we discussed how children seem to know how to play, yet they develop important skills through play.  In Part 2, we identified and explored the seven skills children develop through play.  As a refresher, those skills are:

  1. Creative thinking – to consider and experiment with alternatives freely and without fear in any situation.
  2. Critical thinking – to discern knowledge, information, and interest in order to solve a problem, prove a point, or decide what to believe.
  3. (Self)-Control – to interface with and within a bustling society with the ability to manage one’s own attention, emotions, and behaviors.
  4. Confidence– to genuinely believe in one’s own abilities to experience success and satisfaction in not only what one can do, but also what one is willing to try.
  5. Collaboration – to engage with others positively and productively in pursuit of a common goal.
  6. Communication – to take language and literacy (the tools of communication) and use them to exchange information with power and precision.
  7. Coordination – to recognize, use, and appreciate the physical marvels of the human body.

Now, we are going to dive a bit deeper into the 5th skill mentioned above: Collaboration.  Since we are talking about Collaborative Divorce, let’s see how this important skill can positively impact the divorce process.

Webster’s Dictionary defines the verb “collaborate” as follows:

  1. To work jointly with others or together especially in an intellectual endeavor;
  2. To cooperate with or willingly assist an enemy of one’s country and especially an occupying force;
  3. To cooperate with an agency or instrumentality with which one is not immediately connected.

Work together, assist, and cooperate are the common threads.

Collaboration, as a noun, is defined by Webster’s as “the act of collaborating, especially with an enemy or an opposed group rather than struggling or resisting.”

Finally, what does it mean to be collaborative?  Webster’s defines collaborative, an adjective, as “involving or done by two or more people or groups working together: marked or produced by collaboration.”

Now that we have the definition of the various forms, let’s break collaboration down as a verb and look at the definition as it relates to divorce. 

To Collaborate:

  1. To work jointly with others, especially in an intellectual endeavor. Collaborative Divorce requires working with your spouse and your spouse’s attorney, which is an intellectual endeavor, to be sure.  If human beings begin to learn this skill in early childhood (a child trade’s a toy truck for a motorcycle) then adults can surely negotiate the exchange of more cash for less retirement, for example. 
  2. To cooperate with or willingly assist an enemy of one’s country and especially an occupying force. Yes, a traditional, contentious, winner-takes-all divorce would pit the soon-to-be divorced couple squarely in opposite corners of the ring.  The marital partnership quickly devolves to enemies in mortal combat.  Nonetheless, if the marital “enemies” can reframe their thinking and work together, they can create an outcome better than any court imposed solution.  This paradigm shift would allow the soon-to-be former spouses to work together for their own benefit, i.e., I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine.  Or in divorce terms, “You can have the Waterford crystal since your family is from Ireland, and I’d like the Wedgewood dinnerware since I have family in England.”
  3. To cooperate with an agency or instrumentality with which one is not immediately connected. The emotional bond of marriage no longer exists, and while the couple is still married, the disconnection from a legal perspective is imminent.  While the couple may think they have no reason to continue their relationship, their cooperation during the process sets the tone for the first step in their “new life.”  Collaborating rather than litigating and fighting is crucial to moving forward, particularly if they have children.

While the idea of learning how to and implementing collaborative skills as a child to get a certain toy seems counterintuitive, and downright outlandish in divorce, deep down we know it makes sense.  How often did you hear growing up, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”  Divorce (and society in general) is drenched in vinegar.  It’s time for honey (or sugar).  There’s nothing wrong with being nice.  We teach young children to play nice, and we want them to be nice.  Let’s also set that standard for adults. 

In Collaborative Divorce, not only do the spouses work together, but the entire team, including the attorneys, works together.  We are all…nice.  (Pass the honey, please.)  It really does work.  When the focus is on accomplishing a common goal and everyone brings their best self and creative energy to the room, great things emerge.  Settlements not only happen, but they are created in a healthier, calmer space.

Collaborating in divorce is a paradigm shift, no doubt.  Our society loves a good legal drama and War of the Roses is no exception.  However, if young children understand the importance of cooperation and collaboration even when they don’t agree, grown-ups surely can muster the wherewithal to be respectful to their spouse in the process.  The partners can choose to reframe the divorce so that common interests and goals can be achieved by both partners in divorce.

Part 4 will take a deeper dive into the above, as it relates to the mindset of collaborating during divorce.

About the Author
Audra practices exclusively in the area of conflict resolution, with an emphasis on Collaboration.  She believes Collaboration works best for families with children to help them move forward and thrive.  She helps her clients reframe and change their mindset about the divorce itself, so they can see it as a new beginning.  When she’s not Zooming with colleagues and clients, you’ll likely find Audra cheering on her kids at a various sporting events.

Audra Holbeck, Attorney, Mediator
Holbeck Law
E: aholbeck@holbecklaw.com
Ph: 651-379-0330
Holbecklaw.com