Posted on
168408173In my last blog I wrote about how people travel all around the world to learn about how we Collaborative divorce in Minnesota. In this blog, I want to say a little bit about why that is true. Describing all of the elements of Collaborative Divorce would require more than we could put in one blog. I want to focus on the one element that may stand out above the others: choice. People who face family conflict need choices. Collaborative Divorce takes everyone, including the lawyers outside the court system, so that there is complete freedom for each family to design a process that truly meets their unique needs. Once people arrive at that place where true choices can be made, there are many options. Here are some examples of choices people can make in the Collaborative Process:
  • People can choose to have a parenting expert help them with their children rather than leaving the parenting issues divorce lawyers.
  • People can choose to have a financial expert teach them about how to handle finances better rather than just fight over who gets the bigger slice of the pie.
  • People can choose to improve their communication, and even, if possible improving their respect and trust of each other, by getting the emotional support that they need.
  • People can choose to focus on their highest goals, like reducing conflict and can avoid getting caught up in minor issues.
  • People can even choose to put the divorce on pause, if appropriate, to give them time to look at their marriage and determine whether they want to work on reconciliation.
When families are in conflict, trying to fit that conflict into a narrow “one-size fits all” system, can lead to outcomes that do not address true needs. Stepping outside the shadow of the courthouse and letting families design their own course leads to better outcomes. Divorce is difficult. The choices that you make during this important time could affect your family for decades. Before you take the first step, explore all of your options. To find out about the Collaborative option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
Posted on
144313218It was actually my wife’s idea. Lose the clunky stand-alone bookshelf on the second floor landing and build in a bookcase that wraps around the stairwell. Four years ago, her father called a buddy with a sawmill up north. The buddy sold us an oak tree. Then he quarter-sawed it into planks, delivered it to my father-in-law’s shop, and in a matter of months, we had a stack of lumber that was milled to provide tops, bottoms, sides, and shelves of a bookcase. Some assembly required. “I’ll do the finishing,” I said. “I don’t want this to be a slap-dash job.” It wasn’t. Weeks turned into months. Months turned into years. The rift and quarter-sawn white oak was sanded. It was filled and sanded again. It was stained. It was varnished.  Multiple times. The varnish was sanded down to even it and provide a smooth base for the next coat.  And the next. And the next. “Are you ever going to finish those bookshelves?” my wife asked. “No sense paying someone to do something I can do myself,” I responded. This week, as her uncle and I measured, re-measured, plumbed and leveled and trimmed out and touched up the enormous room elephant that this project had become, I shared my frustration with a colleague. “I swear that’s the last time I volunteer on a home project!” I told him. “It’s not like I couldn’t do it. The finish work is gorgeous, if I do say so myself. But the time! I swear I would have been way ahead of the game if we had just hired someone to begin with.” “Kind of like a pro se divorce, isn’t it?” he quipped, referring to the 80% of divorces where the couples don’t use any lawyers to assist them. “As I recall, you don’t do a lot of wood finishing, do ya?” “Some” “Ya learned a lot ya didn’t know before, sounds like.” “The understatement of the year!” “Like I said, sounds like a pro se divorce!  Hey, I know ya got “skills,” but how much time did ya give up, and how much of it did ya have to do over ’cause ya didn’t get it right the first time?” “Don’t ask!” It’s not that I don’t know why those 80% try to do it themselves.  I get that!  Last week I helped a woman who did it herself.  She also transferred part of her retirement to her Ex.  But she made a mistake and had to do it over.  This time, the Ex had a lawyer handle the transfer order.  And she had me look it over to be sure it was all in order, which it was. I probably should have hired you in the first place,” she said when we were done.  “Thanks so much!” It had a familiar ring.
Posted on
Former litigators who now practice exclusively collaborative law have varied reasons for that decision. Many revolve around better outcomes for clients or more peaceful processes. A reason that is less commonly talked about is the well being of the practitioner. A litigated divorce is often ripe with conflict and animosity. There is built in adversity and the very structure often leads to more anger and frustration. And, this is between the clients who are only going through this once. A divorce lawyer or other divorce professional deals with hundreds of these cases. They are often in the middle of many divorces and the animosity and anger can take a toll. A collaborative divorce, on the other hand, can be a more positive and less stressful experience. It is an out-of-court, non-adversarial process. The pacing of a collaborative divorce is controlled by the parties so no one is at the whim of a court’s schedule. Clients in collaborative divorce maintain control of the outcomes. Discovery (exchange of information) is done in an informal manner with full disclosure of whatever either party requests.  Because of these reasons and more, some collaborative professionals find a higher level of satisfaction and well-being in their work. Now, some may wonder why a potential client should care about their lawyer’s well-being? The professionals on a collaborative team are the guides and support for clients. A client going through divorce wants an attorney who is in the best position to guide them through that process. Collaborative divorce is a more respectful and peaceful option for clients. It is the same for the professionals. Doctor martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “The happier we are, the better we work.” I stopped litigating cases for many reasons. My personal well-being may be the most important one.
Posted on
With so much at stake in a divorce, it is tempting to think about how to “win”.  Yet, the grim irony of divorce is that “winning” often leads to poor results.   I know that seems like a contradiction, but most divorce lawyers who, like me, have spoken with “winning” clients after a divorce, know that it is true.  Almost every “winning” client I have known during the past 30 years of divorce practice has expressed severe disappointment with their “winning” outcome.   The real “cost” of a litigated divorce (or even a divorce that settles on the courthouse steps) is so great financially, emotionally and, particularly for children, psychologically, that there truly are no winners. Does that mean that, when facing divorce, you should simply “give up” and let your spouse have whatever he or she wants?  Of course not.  Because there is so much that matters, you need to get the best possible outcome for you and your family.  So, how can you achieve that, without trying to “win” in the traditional sense?  By finding a smarter way to get your spouse “to yes”. Getting To Yes is the whole essence of divorce.  More than 95% of all divorces end in an agreement (and not a trial), so your divorce is likely to end in an agreement of some kind.  Therefore, the entire divorce process is one of seeking ways to get your spouse to say “yes” to the things that really matter. So, how do you get your spouse to eventually “say yes” to the things that are important to you?   It is tempting to think that you will get your spouse to “say yes” by hiring an aggressive lawyer to make bold arguments in your favor.  Tempting, maybe, but does that really work?  Is your spouse the kind of person who will respond to arguments by giving in?  Probably not.  On the other hand, if you are like the rest of the world, you will need to be much more strategic. The chances are quite good that the best way to get your spouse to say yes is to help them see that saying yes meets their interests.   This notion of ”interest based bargaining” is a way to truly “win” without having to make anyone lose.   This method of truly “winning” without creating losers is rapidly growing in popularity and is commonly used by Collaborative Divorce lawyers.  To find a Collaborative Divorce Lawyer in Minnesota who can explain this to you go to www.collabortivelaw.org.
Posted on
I just finished watching the documentary, Divorce Corp, and I have to admit that I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, as someone who has devoted his career to helping people understand that divorce should not occur in court, or even in the shadow of the courthouse, this movie may be a powerful tool in raising awareness of this very serious issue. On the other hand, as someone who feels dedicated to the truth and who feels a deep commitment to helping people fully understand their options in a fair and honorable manner, I bristled at some of the sensationalism and the broad generalizations made from some extreme examples. To the extent that the movie attempts to show that the problem with our family law system is that it is inundated with corrupt judges, greedy lawyers and dishonest custody evaluators, I need to state very clearly that I do not believe that to be true. Having worked in the family law system in Minnesota for more than 30 years, including two decades in court, I have found that the majority of judges, divorce lawyers and custody evaluators are honest people who care about children. Indeed, one of the reasons I strongly believe that the adversarial system does not work in resolving family issues, is that operating in the shadow of an adversarial system often damages families even when you have good people involved. There is much need for reform of our system and there is a strong need to raise awareness about the alternatives to court.  I had hoped that the movie would help people understand the existing alternatives to court rather than focusing almost exclusively on proposing legislative changes. To the credit of the movie makers, they did feature excellent commentary from two very credible peacemakers that I have come to know quite well. Woody Mosten and David Hoffman, two law professors who are worldwide leaders in mediation and Collaborative Practice, gave the movie producers valuable insights on how we can help families find a better way. While very few of those insights made it into the movie, the producers did release a trailer that discussed the benefits of mediation and Collaborative Practice as alternatives to court. An article by David Hoffman also does a good job summarizing many of the shortcomings of the film. As for the rest of the movie, I am recommending that people see the movie and draw their own conclusions. Even if you disagree with some of the exaggerations and proposed solutions, as I clearly did, it will at least get us all thinking and talking about this important issue. If you happen to be someone who is facing divorce, you should not emerge from this moving believing you will have found any answers or even a real grip on the truth of our family law system. Rather, my hope is that the movie will cause you to respect the important question about how to proceed with divorce so that you will seek out reliable information about all of your options. To learn more about Collaborative Law and other options that I believe are not clearly understood, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and www.divorcechoice.com.
Posted on
While divorce is almost always difficult, avoiding common mistakes can spare a lot of expense and emotional turmoil. Here are the biggest mistakes that cause families to suffer unnecessarily.
  1. Rushing into a divorce before you understand your options. Today there are many different ways to divorce, including mediation, Collaborative practice and traditional methods. Yet most people start their divorce without ever getting a full, competent explanation of their options. Getting a competent explanation of all choices requires research (For a summary of options go to www.divorcechoice.com).
  2.  Letting Emotions run the show. Divorce often creates intense feelings of fear, anger and sadness.  While those feelings may be natural, even healthy, letting those feelings drive your decisions, will often result in regrettable decisions.
  3.  Losing sight of the priorities. Divorce can have a sense of urgency that causes people to lose sight of their most important goals.   Intense focus on urgent problems can distract you from more important issue. Identifying your big picture goals at the beginning of the process will help you get a better outcome.
  4.  Believing that hardball tactics will help them get better outcomes.    Many divorcing people mistakenly believe that hardball tactics will help them achieve a better outcome in their divorce.  However, these hardball tactics usually backfire and almost always produce poor outcomes.  Finding a divorce process that protects your interest through more civilized and productive strategies will help you avoid this type of financial and emotional disaster.
  5.  Thinking of divorce as only a legal issue.   Because divorcing starts as a legal proceeding, it is easy to focus solely on the legal issues.  However, in most divorces, there are financial, emotional and child development decisions to be made that will likely have a greater impact on your life. Getting help from mental health professionals and financial experts, in addition to attorneys can help you address these other important issues.
One way to avoid making these mistakes is to pursue help from Collaborative professionals.  To contact a Collaborative Professional in your area go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
Posted on
Collaborative Divorce NotesThere is such a thing as a Do-It-Yourself Divorce.  Not that I recommend it, but it’s out there.  As an attorney who focuses on Family Law, Mediation and Collaborative Practice, I discourage this route to end a marriage, mainly because of details that can be missed.  My definition of a Do-It-Yourself divorce is one in which you and your spouse are handling the entire legal process without any attorney help.  This includes gathering information, making decisions, and completing the legal paperwork and processing that paperwork with the court.  This is not something you should be doing without help! Perhaps surprisingly, there are many people who do indeed choose this path: to divorce without the help of an attorney.  Especially for those with no children and little to no assets or debts, and likely a shorter marriage, it’s not uncommon.  There are free forms available on the Minnesota Supreme Court website that can be printed and used.  However, in the following circumstances, clearly an attorney would be helpful: if you have children; significant assets or debts; if you own a house and/or land; if you have been married for many years; if one spouse earns a lot more money than the other. So, after you determine it is a good idea to procure an attorney to ensure the specifics of your divorce, what next?  Are you looking for a courtroom battle?  No, of course not.  Then why not consider a Collaborative Divorce? What is a Collaborative Practice divorce, anyway?  The most basic definition requires that both spouses have attorneys and everyone signs an agreement not to go to court. The idea is to settle the matter without ever setting foot in a courthouse.  Even in a Collaborative Practice divorce the paperwork would be filed at the courthouse, but the attorneys and the clients would never need to have a hearing or even go to the courthouse.  The paperwork would just be filed by mail. Collaborative Practice divorce is an out-of-court settlement process where the attorneys are hired to settle the case and not to go to court and where other neutral professionals often help on the case to provide neutral meeting facilitation, child-focused input or special financial expertise. Collaborative Practice means more than just the technical completion of the divorce process.  It means a commitment to settling the case out of court.  It means using neutral experts help educate clients about the unique emotional, child-related and financial circumstances of their particular case and to explore potential settlement options. For Collaborative Practice professionals, being a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota means regularly participating in additional training above and beyond their underlying professional continuing educational requirements.  We do this in order to focus specifically on the client experience and out-of-court negotiation and settlement. As with most things, of course, you get what you pay for.  While a do-it-yourself divorce is possible, if instead you are looking for a cost-effective, quality process, take a look at Collaborative Practice divorce.  You will be rewarded with a high-quality method that includes professionals that take extra care and training to learn ways to resolve cases outside of court and neutral professionals that will help educate you about your specific circumstances and help you explore your options, all while agreeing not to set foot in a courtroom.
Posted on
T. Boone Pickens Photo Creative Commons Licensed, Author: David Shankbone Texas millionaire T. Boone Pickens found a way to save “several millions” on his divorce.    His discovery could save you something just as valuable. When T. Boone Pickens recently filed for his fourth divorce, he decided to try something different.  Rather than proceed with a traditional divorce, as he had on the previous three occasions, he decided on a Collaborative Divorce,  a process he claims saved him “ several millions”. In an interview with the Dallas Business Journal, Mr. Pickens said that said that “Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating.” In fact, Mr. Pickens was so grateful for the Collaborative process that he has recently donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas. If you are facing divorce, this may not mean much to you since you probably are not in a position to save (or lose)  millions.  However, you may find that you can save something even more valuable.  Mr. Pickens was impressed that the Collaborative Process not only helps clients save money but saves on the “emotional wear and tear on families.”   For most families who face divorce,  this is the more crucial issue.  Collaborative Divorce is a method where attorneys and other professionals work with divorcing family for settlement purposes only and resolve issues out of court. I have represented hundreds of families  through the Collaborative Divorce process and while none of these families saved millions of dollars, many of them are just as elated because of what it saved on the emotional wear and tear on their families .  Most parents would agree that while a divorce process that saves us money can be worth millions, a process that spares the emotional wear and tear on our families can be priceless. To learn more about the Collaborative Process, go to www.Collaborativelaw.org.