- Lacking Context. The opinions that most people have about how to divorce is significantly biased by a small slice of information that is out of context. A divorce usually involves numerous issues. It is very difficult to know how one issue should be handled without having a thorough understanding of all of the other issues. Skilled divorce attorneys can help put these issues in context in ways that will help you get a better settlement.
- Emotional enmeshment. Many of your friends or families members may have an emotional reaction to your divorce that will alter their advice. Often that emotional reaction triggers a desire to protect you by urging you to take a more aggressive stance. This generally leads to stirring up acrimony that will actually make it more difficult for you to achieve your highest goals.
- Find a professional team that makes you feel comfortable and you trust. A supportive team, starting with an attorney, will help you feel supported and more comfortable with the decisions you are making. Your attorney will be with you along the journey. Often your attorney will see you cry, get angry, and express fear. Other team members, like a financial neutral or child specialist, can also help you feel supported and help the process move forward in a positive manner. Your team should not cause you stress. Just the opposite – it should help you feel safe and lower anxiety.
- Focus on your own well-being. It is important to make sure you exercise self-care. Take care of yourself. Get sleep, exercise regularly, and reach out to friends for enjoyment and relaxation. The better you are personally, the better outcomes you will find in the divorce process.
- Be mindful of your future. Not knowing what the future holds can be stressful. Learn all that you can during this process about your future so you can alleviate this concern. Make sure you grasp the financial implications and parenting decisions being made. Ask lots of questions and keep your long-term goals in mind. The more you know, the more comfortable you will be moving forward.
- Consider a collaborative divorce. A litigation process – leaving decisions up to a third party – is inherently stressful. The adversarial nature of that process can add to the anxiety. On the other hand, negotiating outside of the courts and using a collaborative process can help you maintain control of the outcomes and help build a more positive co-parenting relationship. You can learn more about collaborative divorce here.
As a Neutral Child Specialist, I respect the calm and dignified way Paltrow and Martin have begun this sad journey, which, because of their professions, will need to be done in the public eye. Understanding that language is powerful, I applaud the term conscious uncoupling, which, like getting unmarried, does not carry the emotional baggage of the word divorce. I was especially impressed when Paltrow and Martin referenced the wish to co-parent and to continue to be a family for the sake of their children
A divorce process that puts the needs of children at the center is much healthier, not only for children but also for their parents. It is true that effective co-parenting leads to a much higher quality of life for all family members. These goals are embodied in the work of the Collaborative Team Practice community. Collaborative Team Practice may not be chosen by those who don’t believe that parenting during and after a divorce requires mindfulness, a certain amount of self-sacrifice and hard work to keep children at the center and out of the middle. However, it is an excellent process for parents who want to reduce the impact of a painful change on their children’s future.
- Realize that it’s not about you. This is so critical that it bears repeating … it’s not about you! Your children need your love and support, especially during times of change. It’s your job to provide that love and support. If possible, choose a divorce process that keeps your children out of the middle. Do whatever is necessary to get over the reasons for the divorce. You will be a healthier person if you can find a way to let go of past resentments. If you need help doing so, find a good therapist and do the work. If you’re reluctant to do it for yourself, do it for your kids!
- Set a positive tone. Your attitude toward life is contagious and your children will “catch it.” Tune out our culture’s message that divorce is always bad for kids. Tune out the negativity expressed by well-meaning friends and family, who may be more than eager to share their stories. Work on reducing your reactivity to everyday situations through relaxation, mediation or yoga. Your kids are watching you to gauge how things are going. Show them that you’re all right. This doesn’t mean pretending that all is perfect. Life presents many challenges. Divorce can be an opportunity for you to model resiliency.
- Listen. Make time each day to be fully available to each of your children. It’s easy to get caught up in the busy-ness of normal, everyday life. This is especially true when you’re in the process of redefining “normal.” Turn off the TV and cellphones for a few minutes each day so that you have each other’s undivided attention. Encourage your child to share her feelings and experiences. Ask open-ended questions, which invite sharing without pressuring them. Regular check-ins will make it more natural for your children to express themselves when they experience problems.