Navigating the holidays post-divorce is a difficult enough task for adults, but it also bringssocks-1340553_1920 out stress and anxiety in children, whether small or big (adult). We tackled holiday survival post-divorce topics like “finding your new normal” and “creating emotional balance” here and here, now we will discuss guiding your children through the holidays. This is especially important if it is your first round of holidays since your separation or divorce. One of the most important aspects to remember is to be transparent about how the holidays will go. Set up a detailed schedule in your parenting plan early on with your ex. Having a plan in place and communicating those plans with your child(ren) will help ease some of their stress, even if it’s as simple as knowing that yes, both mom and dad will be at their holiday concert at school, or that mom will take the kids to see Santa. Whether your child is 2 or 20 it is important to maintain a holiday schedule and stick to it. Unfortunately it does require both parents to be willing to negotiate, and ultimately give up time, but developing a fair plan with your child’s best interest in mind will be better in the long run. Talk to your children about your traditions. Discuss with them what will remain the same, what traditions they will continue to celebrate and at who’s home, etc. Don’t be afraid to create new traditions. Many families will try to keep things as normal as possible, but that doesn’t mean that this isn’t a good time to start something new. Again, this holds true of children at any age, and talking about it early in the season will help them to know what to expect throughout the holiday season. Communication is key, even if it’s something that as an adult you wouldn’t think twice about, often times children do not have any idea what to expect for their first holidays post-divorce. For example, a young child has no concept of Santa knowing that they moved, or if Santa still comes if they are at dad’s house on Christmas and not at mom’s. Talk them through these scenarios. Establish realistic holiday expectations with your ex early on. How will you navigate gift giving with finances split? Especially on those big ticket items. Do gifts and toys get to travel from one house to the other? Etc. How will you avoid what becomes a “bidding war” of presents to “buy/show” your love? – This unfortunately happens often, and ultimately the child is negatively affected when years of this behavior occurs. The holidays are overwhelming for all of us – young and old, so don’t be afraid to ditch the lines at the mall, or the umpteenth extended family gathering, and trade for a quiet night at home with just you and the kids.
Throughout your life, and particularly through your separation or divorce, there may have been times when, even if you have an amazing support system, you realized that there is truly only one person that you can count on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, YOU. It’s vital to build a good support system, especially in a time of crisis when you need love, but it’s also important to love yourself and be someone that YOU want to be around. Who will be there in the middle of the night when you are feeling lonely – YOU. Who will be there in the car when you are driving to work and have an emotional breakdown – YOU. Self-love isn’t always just about having high self-esteem, it’s about paying attention to yourpexels-photo-171296 own needs and taking the time to fulfill them. It’s about being a person that YOU would want to befriend. Rarely do we consider ourselves as a valued companion, but the hard truth is that we are the only person we can truly count on every second of every day. This time of year is especially easy to feel deflated, so how do you fill your own tank up when you feel like you are completely “running on E”? Ask yourself, “How am I doing?” Then assess what you could do to make yourself feel better. Maybe you are simply stressed and need a stress reliever like more sleep, less screen time, fitness, or a massage. Maybe you feel that you just need a break, and scheduling a vacation would do the trick? If you don’t have the time or money to travel, then finding a new hobby can often provide a mental “get-away.” If your answer is that you are simply feeling down, try this for an instant mood boost – spreading kindness or help to others. Start small – send a thank you note in to school with your child for their teacher, take a plate of cookies to an elderly neighbor, pay for the coffee of the person in line behind you, call a grandparent just to say hello, and when a friend or family member tells you about a difficult task they are working on – show up to help. These small acts of kindness will have instant BIG results on your heart and the way you feel about yourself. Choose to focus on one small act a week or a day. These can take little time and no money, but can have a huge impact on being the friend (to yourself) that you would like to be. After all, if you love yourself, you will worry less about the idea of getting other people to love you.
This is the second of our two part blog series on unsupportive families during divorce. The first dealt with the challenges of when family is having a difficult time letting an ex go, which can be read here. Here we discuss a second type of unsupportive family, when family may not be supportive to your grief if the ex-spouse was never well liked anyhow or if the marriage was difficult in terms of fighting or abuse. seminar-711675_1920If you are grieving from a divorce after a tumultuous marriage, it may be difficult for family and friends to understand your grief. Comments of “you are better off” or “we never liked them anyway” are frequently heard, and the lack of support can complicate the healing process. Normally we rely on our friends and family as a key support system through divorce, they listen, share stories, and provide support in so many ways, however, when friends and family choose to bash the ex, the pain and grief over the marriage doesn’t feel validated. It’s makes a person feel like they shouldn’t be hurting, it has them questioning their feelings, and quite often like they need to hide their feelings from their loved ones. It can be challenging for people on the outside to understand how highly conflicted relationships can be difficult to move on from. It’s hard for them to get past the “you’re better off” stage, when in fact the divorcee is likely not only grieving the loss of their marriage, but grieving what could have been, wishing things would have been different, or perhaps regretting particular conflicts. It is important not to let unsupportive family or friends invalidate feelings of anguish after divorce. Perhaps they do not fully understand your relationship, or haven’t stopped to consider that you are still heartbroken regardless of the circumstances of the marriage. You may need to confront an unsupportive family member or friend to remind them that their lack of support, however it is intentioned, is not helping you to heal. Be open to them about the type of support that you do need. Recognize that different people may support you in different ways. Your best friend may be an excellent listener and a good shoulder to cry on, while your sister is better suited to help you get your finances or belongings in order. It’s important to remember this about people in order to have realistic expectations. If you are having a particularly down day, call someone who will support your feelings, not someone who thinks this is an opportunity to commence the ex-bashing. Keep an open mind though, the best support may come from someone you’d least expect. Finally, realize that friends and family simply cannot offer all of the support that you may need. Counseling and divorce support groups are excellent resources. In a group setting you will find others experiencing similar feelings and yours may be validated. Together you can cope, heal, and grow from your divorce. There’s a quote from an unnamed father that reads, “One of the hardest things you will ever do, my dear, is grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.” We tend to agree.
Families can be particular unsupportive in one of two ways – the first when they truly care for your spouse and are having a difficult time letting them go as part of their family, and second they may not be supportive to your grief if the ex-spouse was never well liked anyhow or if the marriage was difficult in terms of fighting or abuse. We will showcase these two extremes in a two part blog series.grandparents-1956838_1920 We’ve all heard the family jokes about taking so-and-so instead of their own son/daughter/sister/brother/etc. if they ever were to divorce, but what happens when that becomes a reality? Nearly 50% of marriages today don’t last, so the odds are good when saying those I do’s and harvesting the relationships that comes with them, that at some point down the road you will be saying goodbye to half of that marriage. Maybe you grew up in a family where divorce was taboo, with parents who believe that for better or for worse you don’t leave a marriage, and now you are struggling with family supporting your decision and suddenly you are the outcast. Perhaps your dad is losing his best fishing buddy and is finding it difficult to understand why your marriage didn’t work out. Sit down with him and explain that while your ex may be a great person, that doesn’t make you great people together. Set boundaries. Be clear with both your ex, as well as your family, what your relationship expectations are. Maybe you and your family are comfortable with the modern blended family concept, or perhaps if you do not have children with your ex, it may be best to sever all ties to family sooner rather than later. Think – bringing your new boyfriend to your family Thanksgiving with your ex sitting at the same table, elbows deep in mash potatoes. If you have children together, the lines blur and it’s not as black and white as that. Other factors like living in a small town, and the length of the relationship, can make things more complicated, so it’s important to not only communicate your expectations, but for them to be realistic as well. Did you marry your brother’s childhood best friend? – then it’s probably not realistic to expect them to stop talking, in fact if that is your expectation it will likely harm your relationship with your brother. At the end of the day you need to do what is best for YOU. Yes, a marriage affects more than just the two people in it, but you need to put your best interests first, not those of how your family will handle your divorce. Also, remember to, “Love your whole story, even if it hasn’t been the perfect fairy tale.”-Melanie Moushigian Koulours.
cookingYou may find cooking a daunting enough task as it is, but cooking for just one can be downright grueling, and can often lead to unhealthy eating. If you find yourself undereating, forgetting to eat, going through the drive thru, or just grabbing something quick because you don’t have the energy to cook for just yourself, you are not alone. These quick bites are often unhealthy or what should have been a snack size portion of {insert your guilty pleasure here} has suddenly became a 2,000 calorie “dinner.” Even if it’s not just you for dinner, but you and young kids with small appetites, sometimes it still feels too cumbersome to make a “real meal.” We encourage you to be the healthiest you that you can be, so here are our best tips for cooking for one.
  1. Don’t shy away from buying in bulk. Your freezer is your friend, so whether you are buying in 1 pound packages or 10, freeze in manageable portions. Learn what manageable means to you – do you want leftovers to take to work for lunch the next day, or do you only want to eat that meal once?
  2. Speaking of buying in bulk, those bulk bins at the grocery store can save you money by only purchasing what you actually will use. Walk the bulk isle and learn what your store has to offer there.
  3. Prep before you freeze. Make fajitas for tonight, but prep enough to freeze in portions for later. Do so by cutting and seasoning your meats and veggies, so that all you need to do later is defrost and throw in a skillet.
  4. Love lasagna? Probably not enough to eat it for a week strait. Lasagna and casseroles can be cooked and then frozen into individual portions. Convenient and much healthier than store bought frozen dinners, which are full of preservatives.
  5. Make meals that turn into something else – no magic wand required! Pork roast in the crock pot for Sunday night can easily become Monday’s pulled pork sandwich, and Tuesday’s shredded pork tacos, without any extra prep or much thought.
  6. The deli and meat counters allow you the freedom to purchase in as small of quantities as you need. Purchase fresh deli meat when it’s on sale, have them portion out in quarter pound packages right there, freeze, and then you can pull out only what you need to last you a day or two.
  7. Learn what freezes well. For instance, eggs can be frozen individually in ice cube trays and then once frozen dump into a freezer bag or container. While some produce freezes beautifully, some not so much.
  8. If you don’t like to turn on your oven for “just one person” consider purchasing a toaster oven, which can do all the work of a oven and a toaster, and can often still be stored away, in a cabinet.
Hopefully these tips help you to make healthy eating a priority even when you are just cooking for yourself. A little prep work goes a long way, and can help save you from getting lost in a carton of ice cream come dinner time! If you have a good tip for cooking for one, please let us know in the comments below!
flowerIn the early days of separation and divorce you may find the idea of growing from your divorce difficult to believe. You may be in a state of depression or denial wondering how your life will carry on, much less that you will grow from this life change. It may be difficult to find the silver lining, yet the simple truth is that you can (and will) grow from this. You may or may not have had much of a choice in whether or not you are getting a divorce, but you DO have a choice whether to grow up or grow down through this process. In a bad or difficult marriage it is easy to see how a person might grow from getting a divorce, but all divorces bring the opportunity for growth. Your divorce will likely change the way you view the world. Your life may be functioning completely different than before. Maybe you are having to look for a new career or add a part time job to make ends meet, or maybe you’ve been out of the workforce for years and your divorce is forcing you back in. Maybe you’ve had to move to an apartment or back in with your parents or a friend. Maybe your kids are at a new school as a result of your divorce. Maybe your entire social circle has now changed. It’s how you view these changes and react to your new normal, that promotes growth. Growth from your divorce can appear in a number of ways. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. Even something as simple as learning a new skill that your spouse had always managed like trimming the shrubs, or online bill pay. Spiritually your faith might deepen or may struggle as you get through some trying times. Emotional growth may take a bit longer. There may be some dark and difficult days before you start to grow emotionally, but slowly it will happen. Your priorities will change and grow. If you have shared custody with your children you will likely start to value your time together all that much more. Some things that were priorities during your marriage may no longer hold a significance to you. Growth after divorce becomes a way to cope. Growth after divorce becomes a way to survive. Growth after divorce becomes empowerment. Growth after divorce becomes a new, better you.
PicIt may feel like it should still be the middle of June and that school just let out, but the harsh reality is that back-to-school season is upon us. Co-parenting is hard enough during the summer when schedules are flexible are a bit more relaxed, but adding in the back-to-school madness creates another level of co-parenting stress. Who will shop for school supplies and clothes, who will volunteer for the field trips this year, who will fill out all the school forms, who will sign the kids up for their sports and activities? Historically these tasks all fall on the mother 99% of the time. It’s likely that your ex-husband never even realized these tasks needed to be done because it’s such an ingrained part of the “mom routine” that moms just do them without even thinking twice! Throwing in the divide of a divorce though and these everyday tasks suddenly can (and should) be divided. We can’t stress enough how vital a well laid out parenting plan is, but the simple everyday responsibilities like filling out paperwork are often missed when writing these plans. Overwhelmed and not sure where to even begin with tackling back-to-school tasks? – We blogged some very helpful back-to-school co-parenting tips here! Here’s to another great school year! It’s possible that you’re looking forward to getting back into the routine that the school year offers, yet it still brings on a sadness of another year/summer having passed. As caught up as we can get in the emotions of not wanting to see an ex at a school event or activity, it is important to remember to enjoy and embrace your children at the ages they are. Soak up every moment, and if your parenting plan allows for it try to get to as many of your children’s events as possible, as we all know the time passes entirely too quickly. As they say, “The days are long but the years are short.” How do you divide up these tasks with your ex? We’d love to hear in the comment section below.
Those married, and especially with children, might dream of having a quiet Saturday night to themselves, but for many divorcees, especially those newly divorced this new “free time” can be especially lonely. You might not be ready or wanting to jump into dating, but being home alone frequently can be rather lonely during those early days of divorce, whether the kid’s are at your ex’s house, grown, or you don’t have any. We put together a list of ideas to get you started to help pass the time.
  • Exercise – Whether you prefer to exercise solo, or would like to make it a social activity by joining a gym or a running/swim/etc. there is no better time to get fit than on these lonely days. The endorphins will instantly boost your mood and you’ll gain extra side effects like weight loss, strength, and confidence!
  • Reading – If you don’t already love to read, keep trying – surely there is something out there that will peak your interest to keep reading! Join a book club if you want to make it a social activity. Not sure where to find one look online or start one – ask friends and neighbors with similar interests if they would like to join. You can rotate the meeting space/host each month to keep it fun and interesting!
  • Explore your town – play tourist in your own town, get lost in a bookstore, see when museums and arboretums have free admission days. Check into free classes and groups at your local library, many offer events like adult coloring night, crafts, and cooking. In addition to children’s activities, Community Education through the school districts also offer adult activities.
  • Cook – try new recipes, or maybe just save them on Pinterest for another day. If cooking for one person doesn’t interest you, perhaps make a monthly standing date with a parent/friend/sibling where you have them over for dinner and conversation. If baking is more your style, but you don’t want all of the sweet temptations around, take the treats to a nursing home, shelter, police precinct, etc.
  • Start a new hobby – maybe you haven’t picked up a paintbrush since high school art class, or dusted off that old sewing machine great Aunt Edna passed down to you years ago, but find something that peaks your interest. All the better if you’ve never done it before. Now days you can find a video tutorial for just about anything on the internet, which even makes home projects that you may have never considered DIYing possible. Hobbies like painting or sewing are difficult to start and stop when the kids are around, so those perfect projects for these lonely days.
  • Part time job – if you could use the extra cash there is no shame in getting a part-time gig. Even if you don’t necessarily need the money and are just looking to fill the time, find something you enjoy doing and set the money aside for a vacation! Even direct sales can provide a fun, no pressure, no schedule way to earn some extra cash and socialization too!
  • Volunteer – The options for volunteering are endless so find something that you are passionate about and look into how you can help.
Like the idea of being more social and meeting new friends, but not sure where to start? Websites like MeetUp.com are a great way to find local interest groups. Do you have activities that have helped you through your newly found free time? We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments below!
blog picYou may remember the “Death and Dignity Act” which was brought to light in the fall of 2014 by the young advocate with terminal brain cancer, Britney Maynard. Britney was a beautiful, well educated, 29 year old, who moved to a different state so that when the time came she could legally decide when to end her life, so that she could leave this world with her dignity intact. Dignity is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “a way of appearing or behaving that suggests self-respect and self-control.” No, divorce is not a death sentence. What is important, however, is divorcing with dignity. A divorce brings out a range of emotions which will seem to take over your life. It is possibly to divorce respectfully, you’ll find a gamut of blogs here regarding divorcing collaboratively, but keeping your dignity intact throughout a divorce, especially with an uncooperative spouse can prove to be difficult. Here are our top three tips for divorcing with dignity:
  1. Focus on YOU. Especially in a divorce with children involved, YOU may be the last person on your mind. Whether that means you forget to eat, have no energy to cook dinner so you find yourself going through the drive through 5 days a week, or maybe you find yourself turning to alcohol for a stress release; retaining your health will help you to maintain your dignity during your divorce. Even if you’ve never ate healthy or worked out, now is the perfect time to start. Put down that glass of wine or bowl of ice cream, and go for a walk, starting is the hardest part. Give yourself the gift of extra confidence and energy during this difficult time, you will be thankful that you did.
  1. Work with the hand you’ve been dealt. The old “turn lemons into lemonade” theory. We posted a great quote on our Facebook page a few weeks ago that really resonated with people, “When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.” Stop focusing on what could have/should have happened, and start focusing on what IS happening. Focus on HOW you are handling the situation. Understand that this is new territory for yourself, and don’t be afraid to find a mentor or even a therapist to help guide you through this uncharted territory.
  1. Remembering your ex is human, and so are you. It’s easy to forget the details along the way that led to your divorce, especially if there was a major “final straw” that ended it. Marriages are hard work, and often times neither party is giving 100%. For you to maintain your dignity, you must accept that you are just as human as the next person, your ex included. Sometimes having to forgive someone who may not deserve forgiveness is vital to maintain your own dignity.
150954514-african-american-businesswoman-looking-at-gettyimagesNearly every celebrity seems to have a divorce under their belt, but what about our local public figures – our children’s teachers, our mayors, city councilmen – how does the pubic feel about “those” public figures when they are facing divorce? About midway through the year I had noticed my daughter’s teacher’s name on Facebook (we have mutual friends) going from FIRST MARRIED to FIRST MARRIED MAIDEN, and I thought a divorce must be imminent. Admittedly my first thought was how a divorce might affect her teaching abilities for MY child. Selfish? Perhaps. Or are those type of reactions expected with public careers? Her private life is certainly none of my business, but is it easy to check your feelings at the door? Certainly not. The University of Minnesota is currently doing a study on the impact of divorce on a person’s career. Those results will be interesting to see, especially as there are careers can have a big impact on the public sector. Some may say that their divorce was the best thing that ever happened to their career. Perhaps work was a necessary distraction as their marriage crumbled at home. But on the other hand some people admit that they simply could not focus at work with their marriage on the rocks. Sometimes people can attribute their careers to actually being the CAUSE of their divorce. A husband that travels all week, a wife who tends bar on the weekends, a stay at home parent who never gets a break, and more often than not, simply the demands and stress of a person’s career can tear apart a marriage. Some careers are statistically at a higher risk for divorce, almost as if divorce is beyond their control. A few months later as school was coming to a close I noticed my daughter’s teachers name on social media is now: FIRST MAIDEN. Admittedly, my feelings changed from worrying about the affect her divorce would have on my own daughter to feeling horribly sympathetic towards her and her own children. As I leaned more I realized her husband holds a local political office and I began to wonder about the effects the divorce may have on his political career. It’s important to remember that everyone is human, divorce does not define a person, and even if you feel like your divorce is in the spotlight, remember that this too shall pass. Please share your thoughts about public divorces in the comment section below.