- A woman who was very hurt and feeling betrayed by her husband posted on Facebook in very colorful language about what a jerk he was, including vivid, angry descriptions of his undesirable qualities. Even though privacy settings were used to limit the posts to her close friends, the Facebook page was up on her opened laptop and read by her son when he arrived home from school, causing him considerable distress.
- A daughter asked to use her dad’s phone and discovered romantic texts he had exchanged with a girlfriend. The shocked daughter shared this information with her mother, and then felt responsible for their subsequent divorce.
- A few months after her parents’ divorce, a child discovered that her mother’s status on her Facebook homepage had been changed to “In a relationship.” This was upsetting to the child, who was still adjusting to the reality if the divorce.
- Let your child know that you have contacted trusted adults at school (teacher, social worker, principal) to let them know about the family change, and have done so in a calm and respectful way. Tell your child it is important that trusted adults at school know because they care about your child and will be available to offer empathy and support as needed. Reassure your child that family information will be kept confidential by these trusted adults, and it is your child’s choice about whether and when to share information with classmates.
- Explore possible school-based resources for children whose parents are divorced. Many schools offer specialized support groups as well as individual counseling resources for kids.
- Participate in beginning of school activities with your child as fully as possible. Express interest, encouragement and enthusiasm for this important part of your child’s life.
- Establish routines that will support your child in homework completion, having family meals and getting to bed on time. Be sure to share information with your co-parent regarding school projects and homework assignments that will need to be worked on in both homes so your child experiences continuity of support.
- If your child participates in sports or other extracurricular activities and depends on parent involvement, be sure to arrange transportation and other logistics in advance so your child doesn’t worry. If there are multiple children in a family, this often requires co-parent cooperation.
- Establish a joint online family calendar for scheduling child-centered events. This is an effective way for co-parents to remain in the loop regarding activities for their children.
- If your children are experiencing transitions between homes as part of your parenting plan, be aware that they will benefit from your patience and empathy in this process. Help them get organized, and be supportive rather than critical if they forget something at the other parent’s home. It’s a big learning curve for kids.
- Manage your expectations so your kids can manage theirs. This may not be the year that Mom will be able to spend hours at the sewing machine making elaborate homemade costumes. But it may be the year that your kids have a friendly competition for who can make the most creative costume out of things already in the closets, drawers and attics at home. If your child has his or her heart set on getting a particular costume, and you want to honor this dream, be sure to budget for the purchase of the costume.
- Ask your kids what is most important to them about Halloween and focus your energy accordingly. This often requires co-parent cooperation, for which your kids will be grateful If their favorite part is carving pumpkins, make this activity as festive as possible, and be sure to take lots of pictures to send to your co-parent if s/he is not participating. If the high point is trick or treating, decide in advance whether one or both parents will be responsible for taking them out and whether one parent will stay behind to hand out treats. If you are separated, decide in advance which neighborhood is likely to be the most fun for trick or treating this year, and go from there.
- Rely on your support system. Trick or treating or going to a Halloween event with neighbors, friends or cousins can help create a fun experience for your kids if your own energy is depleted.
- Determine co-parenting ground rules for how to handle the stash of treats, e.g. how much can be right away and how the remainder will be saved and distributed. Work this out in advance so your children will not be in the middle of a parental argument on Halloween .
- I will be impeccable with my word.
- I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.
- I will make no assumptions.
- I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.
One of the most valuable outcomes of Collaborative Team Practice for many families is how respectfully the process helps prepare parents for effective co-parenting. Lee Eddison, a very experienced neutral coach in Collaborative Team Practice, aptly describes this as a transition from We (a married couple) to a different kind of We (co-parents).
In Collaborative Team Practice, the expertise to make this transition is available from two mental health professionals on the team, the neutral child specialist and the neutral coach. The neutral child specialist offers a child-inclusive process to assist parents in the creation of a developmentally responsive Parenting Plan. The Parenting Plan lays an important foundation for effective-co-parenting with detailed agreements about decision making; communication; parenting expectations, routines and guidelines; and parenting time. This foundation is considerably strengthened when parents also create a Relationship Plan with their neutral coach.
The Relationship Plan is a set of clear and specific agreements about how parents can communicate effectively and resolve potential or actual conflicts in a productive manner once they have completed their divorce or separation and are on their own. The Relationship Plan is not a list of cookie cutter recommendations or generic advice, but is specifically tailored to the unique needs and concerns of each family.Included in the Relationship Plan are agreements about necessary boundaries to define safe emotional, physical and communication space for co-parenting.The neutral coach helps parents be specific about what words and behaviors from a co-parent would feel respectful and supportive, what could easily trigger negative emotions, and what to do if negative emotions are triggered. The Relationship Plan helps parents anticipate and prepare for a number of sensitive and potentially complicated interpersonal situations that frequently arise after a divorce or break up.Creating a Relationship Plan also provides an opportunity for parents to articulate and build on their own and their co-parent’s strengths.
In my experience as a neutral child specialist, parents who invest the time and resources to create a Relationship Plan with their neutral coach have prepared themselves as fully as possible for their lifelong relationship as co-parents. On behalf of their children, what could possibly be more valuable than that?Divorce is a family event that impacts children of all ages.There has been an uptick of divorces for middle-aged and older couples whose children may have already launched their adult lives.Just because children are not living under the same roof with a parent or parents does not mean their lives won’t be deeply affected by family changes that will occur following a divorce.
At Daisy Camp, I have heard many sad stories of communication breakdowns between parents and their adult children during and after a divorce.Adult children experience unique emotional distress and practical challenges. Regardless of age, children can feel caught in the middle if parents remain in conflict.In fact, adult children can experience a heightened sense of betrayal and confusion about what has happened to their family of origin
Here are three considerations for divorcing parents of adult children:
1. It is helpful for adult children if parents are able to inform them about the divorce with a thoughtfully prepared joint We Statement.This allows parents to be more in charge of the message and the tone, and may gently discourage adult children from feeling as though they are expected to take sides or determine who is to blame.A Neutral Child Specialist can assist parents in the creation of a We Statement.
2. Adult children will continue to have personal and family-centered milestones to celebrate, including graduations, engagements, marriages and births of grandchildren. Advance planning and clear communication with adult children about parents’ readiness and willingness to jointly participate can reduce anxiety for adult children.If parents are not ready and willing to jointly participate, being able to constructively problem solve with children so the events can proceed without undue drama is also helpful to them.A worst-case scenario for adult children is feeling helplessly caught in a power struggle between parents for every family event.
3. Adult children may ask difficult questions, and parents need to be prepared to answer honestly but without making their children feel the necessity of taking sides.Keeping children at the center and out of the middle can be especially challenging if there has been an infidelity or other breach of trust in the marriage.Under these circumstances, it can be especially valuable for divorcing parents to get the support and guidance of a neutral mental health professional.
Collaborative Team Practice provides access to skilled mental health expertise from a Neutral Child Specialist or Neutral Coach to guide parents to support their adult children through a difficult transition that will impact the rest of their lives.It is a privilege to help parents create a legacy of healing and respect for their adult children and grandchildren.
In my role as neutral child specialist I often act as a translator. I work to ensure that parents understand the words and ideas of their children about how family can work best for them moving forward. I help parents listen to rather than react to each other while working on creating a parenting plan. And I frequently deconstruct and revise certain legal divorce terminology into more family-friendly language.
From the start, I ask my adult clients to think of and refer to themselves as parents rather than parties. The term parties to a dispute in a no fault divorce is more impartial than plaintiff vs. defendant, but it can still sound adversarial to many parents. As I have written before, legal terms like physical custody, legal custody, child support calculator and even settlement sound formal, top down and foreign to how families actually function. In my office, and in the offices of many Collaborative team professionals, we talk about parenting time and decision making, and the resources parents need to adequately meet their children’s needs in both homes.Since learning this priceless phrase from a child I worked with, I prefer the term getting unmarried to getting divorced. I prefer talking about reaching resolutions rather than settlements. I ask my clients to refrain from saying 50/50 parenting, because how often do kids think of their parents in percentages? I remind parents that children think of their moms as 100% their moms, and their dads as 100% their dads, regardless of whether the kids are at school, with their grandparents, on a play date, or where they sleep at night. We use the language of co-parenting that is developmentally informed and attuned to their children’s temperaments and personalities. Language powerfully shapes our human experience, and communicates both explicit and implicit meaning. The words chosen to describe a process or event are important. Discussing important concepts in clear, thoughtful, straight-forward language and avoiding the use of jargon whenever possible can promote clarity and understanding during an already anxiety-arousing process. And that is also priceless.