Mike Miller, Author at Collaborative Law Institute

February 4, 2015

I am often asked to give presentations on the financial issues in divorce. I always cover what I refer to as the two financial pillars of any divorce dividing property including debts and cash flow and support. Without fail someone in attendance always asks where, do I begin? I do not know where to start. This question is asked not from a financial viewpoint but from an overall perspective of where to begin. My response is virtually the same every time. The most important decision you have to make is the decision to end the marriage. Some take months or even years to make this decision. It is not an easy one. If the decision is made to divorce, then the next most important decision is how to do it. What process options are available and which might be best suited for me, my spouse, and if children are present. Again not an easy decision, especially since these types of decisions are often made during times of high emotions including hurt, pain, and even anger. This is not necessarily the best frame of mind for making such life changing decisions. Having experienced divorce after a 30-year marriage and in my professional experience as a financial neutral, financial mediator, and supporting individual clients and their attorneys, the answer where to begin may be somewhere not so obvious, a divorce coach trained in collaborative divorce. I say this not because you will end up or be steered to a collaborative divorce, but rather that a divorce coach can help you and your spouse navigate the emotions and challenges during any divorce process and beyond. A collaboratively trained divorce coach can help explain process options in a manner to help you no matter what process you may choose. A neutral divorce coach can also help recommend other divorce professionals including a child specialist, financial specialist, and attorneys who can work together with you and your spouse in any divorce process. In addition, a divorce coach can help save you time, money, and heartache by guiding you and helping you manage emotions throughout the process. How do I find a collaboratively trained divorce coach? Click here to find coaches throughout the MSP metro area. By clicking on their name, you can read their profiles. Many, if not all of them, will provide a free initial consultation allowing you to ask questions, evaluate each individual and make informed decisions best suited to you and your family. Divorce coaches are one of the best resources available to anyone considering divorce and wondering “where do I begin.”

November 21, 2014

A friend of mine who knows I am intricately woven into the divorce-planning and alternative dispute resolution circles in the Minneapolis St. Paul metro recently asked me if I knew a certain divorce attorney. He knew of a person who was not feeling too well about their choice of a divorce attorney. I told my friend that I did not recognize the name. Being a little curious, I searched the web for this individual. What I found was that family law was one of about eight other areas of law this person practiced. I wondered just how much family law this attorney does in relationship to all the other practice areas listed. Little does my friend know, his question inspired my writing this blog post. Would you go to a painter if you needed a new roof? Would you go to a heart surgeon for a fractured arm? Hardly, you say. Why is it then when people have decided to end their marriage they first choose to see someone who is not a subject matter expert in the areas causing conflict between them and their spouse? They want this person to fix all their problems when that person probably does not have all the skill sets to solve all of the issues that present themselves in a divorce. I would submit that there is no one person who has all the skill sets necessary to effectively deal with all the intricacies of a divorce. Perhaps the conflict is about co-parenting the couple’s children. Would it make sense to seek out a neutral child specialist to help the parents sort out the rough spots and more importantly benefit their children for years and really for their lifetime? Maybe the conflict is over financial matters. You would think a neutral financial specialist would be able to offer the most value to the couple in those situations. A couple not able to communicate effectively may benefit the most by seeing a neutral divorce relationship coach who can help both spouses manage their emotions which in turn frees up the flexible thinking they will need as they work through getting unmarried. If legal questions arise, you would think an attorney who primarily works in family law matters would be the best resource. What I have described above is the client centered team model approach to a collaborative divorce. A team of professional experts in their own subject matter areas working for you and your family’s behalf. If you would like to learn more about this respectful and dignified way to divorce without court click on www.collaborativelaw.org to check it out.

October 15, 2014

Getting married is about love. Well the tide turns when a couple decides to get unmarried or divorced. Divorce is then about money and kids and hopefully not in that order. Being prepared to have financial discussions with your spouse, financial neutral specialist, or your attorney takes time, effort, and I think introspection, to create the greatest likelihood for a successful outcome. One of the most tedious and time-consuming tasks of getting unmarried is compiling all of the financial information necessary. One way or another you and your spouse need to provide copies of statements for all assets, liabilities, paycheck records, tax returns, deeds to your home, pension and 401k accounts, credit card accounts, bank accounts and more. More than likely you will build a more complete documented financial record than most ever did during their marriage. I think the most important thing you can do to prepare beyond being fully transparent in disclosing and providing all financial documentation is to develop a healthy mindset. While this is challenging it is certainly doable and worthwhile. The hard work it takes to develop a healthy mindset can save you time, money, and headaches. Just what do I mean by a healthy mindset? It helps to put all your focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past. Focus on your interests instead of positions. Interests are the underlying reasons why something may be so important to a person. Let us look at a simple example. Let us say we have one orange and two people who both want the orange. They both draw lines in the sand saying no to the other in terms of giving up the orange. This is a position, something both people decided. It is not until we ask why the orange is so important to them that we determine the underlying interests. What is it that caused each of these people in our example to decide they both want the orange? It turns out one wants the orange to eat and one wants the orange peelings for baking. By getting to the underlying interests, we solve the problem position of one orange wanted by two people. Learn to think, talk, and express yourself in terms of your interests when negotiating with others. You will be amazed at what can happen and how seemingly unsolvable problems can be resolved. Helping you and your spouse speak in interests is something we as professionals do in the collaborative divorce process. Here are four other basic skills you can learn and practice to help you through the divorce process.

Manage your emotions: As I said earlier focus on solutions rather than reacting emotionally. Regardless of what someone else might say do not take it personally.
Flexible thinking: Flexible thinking will help you come up with new ideas and creative solutions. It is important for you and your spouse to maintain flexible thinking during the divorce process.
Moderate behavior: Moderating your behavior will help your spouse be a little more open minded, respectful, and less defensive.
Checking in with yourself: As you are going through divorce process checking in often with self on how you are doing on the above three items especially when under stress can help things go more smoothly.

While I cannot promise you, everything will be smooth sailing in your divorce by following these simple suggestions the seas of divorce can be less intimidating and help you reach your final port destination with a little less wear and tear.

September 30, 2014

Potential divorce clients often ask, how much does a collaborative divorce cost? Great question, it differs with each case and is dependent on clients and their level of conflict regardless of process. The more conflict a couple brings to any divorce process the more expensive it will be. Bottom line, conflict is expensive. Butting heads together to argue positions vs. putting heads together to solve problems will always increase costs. In a collaborative divorce, we focus on putting heads together which should decrease costs. As a financial neutral in the collaborative process, I have given this cost question serious thought. I wrestle with how you define cost. Do we measure cost only in terms of dollars and cents or is there something beyond the almighty dollar? I think the latter. I remember a couple who owned a business that I worked with in a collaborative divorce. By simply suggesting an alternative to using retirement fund money (client plan) to pay off a rather large debt, I was able to save them about $9,000 in income taxes. I seriously doubt anyone other than a well-trained financial professional would have noticed this. What about the cost savings of better-adjusted children of divorce because of their parents taking a higher road with less tension and conflict allowing both parents to effectively co-parent to create and environment where children are not placed in the middle of parental conflict? What about the cost of the stress and delays that typically occur with a traditional court based divorce? How do you place a number on the cost of destroyed relationships with spouses, children, extended family members such as in-laws and friends? How can one put a dollar value on these? Theoretically, a collaborative divorce should cost less. Attorney involvement in a collaborative divorce is typically less than in a traditional court based model. This occurs since other professionals, usually at lower hourly rates, provide many services historically provided by attorneys. Some attorneys choose not to become collaborative divorce practitioners because of this. Some traditional court based attorneys will say they do not believe that it is in the best interest of their client to have to withdraw from representing their client if the case does not settle in the collaborative process. The withdrawal provision if a case should go to court, is a key feature of collaborative divorce because it places everyone’s focus and interests, attorneys and clients, on finding solutions that take into account the highest priorities of both spouses and their children instead of arguing positions ad infinitum. This committed agreement for attorneys and clients to settle is, in my opinion, a good thing for divorcing spouses. It helps provide the framework for a less costly divorce and as I said earlier, I am not talking only about money. One of my goals working with couples or individuals is to reduce their divorce costs whenever and wherever we can so the family can keep more of its hard-earned money. One very simple illustration of how a financial neutral helps lower costs is in gathering financial information necessary for any divorce. It works like this. The financial neutral gathers All the financial documents from the clients that attorneys will ultimately need such as ALL assets and liability account statements including bank and credit card statements, non-retirement investments and savings, pension and retirement accounts, real estate documents, business documents if any, tax returns, pay check stubs etc. The financial neutral then, organizes and presents all of this information to both attorneys. Contrast this with each client having to provide all of this information to each of their attorneys. Attorneys usually have the highest hourly rates. Rather than paying two attorneys the couple pays, one financial professional, to perform this function. This one-step in the process can easily save a couple up to two thousand dollars. When minor children are involved, a neutral child specialist will meet with the parents to help them create parenting plans that are in the best interest of the child. The child specialist usually conducts these meetings without an attorney present. A neutral coach, when engaged by a couple, meets with the clients without attorneys to facilitate communication plans throughout the divorce process and looking ahead in the couple’s relationship post divorce. The child specialist and neutral coaches typically have the lowest hourly rates in the process of all professionals. Sometimes clients choose not to hire a neutral coach. In my experience, having a coach on board can help decrease tension and improve communication between spouses during the process. Less tension and conflict should lead to lower cost and more importantly stronger relationships post divorce. Well, I really have not given you a definitive answer on how much a collaborative divorce costs, because I cannot. Every couple and family is unique. Couples themselves determine, often unconsciously, how much their divorce will cost. Cost is directly a function of the level of conflict they bring into and maintain throughout the process. Ultimately, I think it boils down to what the couple wants. If they want a largely attorney driven process and someone else to make decisions for them about their children and their future then perhaps the more traditional court based process is for them. If on the other hand the couple wants to have less attorney involvement, make decisions for themselves and their children instead of someone else deciding then a collaborative divorce may be a better choice. If I could leave you with anything from this post, it would be to remember theoretically a collaborative divorce should cost less and that cost is more than just money. You control your journey and your destination. Choose wisely.

August 18, 2014

In Part I of Getting Unmarried, Money and Divorce, I talked about the two financial pillars of any divorce. The first being the balance sheet that lists every single asset and liability. The second being forward looking cash flow and support needs for children, if any, and both spouses. In this post, I will briefly cover some other financial issues common in many divorces. These include some discussion of marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. A financial neutral assists with identifying what is marital and what is non-marital property. Marital property of course is that property acquired during the marriage. Generally, non-marital property is property owned prior to the marriage and brought into the marriage, inherited property, and or property received as a gift. Sometimes this can include a home where the down payment made with non-marital money, a retirement plan when the participant contributed to the plan prior to and during the marriage, or more simply a family heirloom passed down through the generations. Non- marital property generally remains with the receiver of the property and not considered in the allocation of marital property. When there is both marital and non-marital interest in an asset, a financial neutral can help determine the values of both the marital and non-marital interests. The tax implications for child support and spousal maintenance are different. Child support is not taxable income to the payee and is not deductible by the payer. Spousal maintenance on the other hand is taxable income to the payee and is deductible by the payer in most situations. A qualified financial neutral is able to help a couple determine an optimal combination of child support and spousal maintenance in order to provide the greatest amount of after tax income to the family. When a couple or one of the spouses owns a business, it is often helpful to determine the business value. If needed a specially trained neutral business valuation expert is engaged to provide this service. These trained experts employ a variety of valuation methodologies to provide an opinion as to the value of a particular business. Depending upon the complexities of the business the time and cost to complete a business valuation can vary. Debts are another financial area where clients can benefit from the insight of a qualified financial neutral. Facilitating how to allocate debt between two spouses is an important function of the financial neutral. The neutral may suggest the clients consider a number of options available including the potential of reducing or paying off debt with other assets. This can help a couple breathe a little easier when freeing up needed cash flow for living expenses by not continuing to carry current levels of debt. A well-trained neutral financial specialist helps divorcing clients see the big picture pros and cons of making a number of financial moves during settlement discussions. Clients are then able to make informed educated decisions concerning their financial future. The financial neutral is family centered in the collaborative process and makes every effort to assist divorcing clients reach agreements they both can live with. Only in the collaborative divorce process are clients able to achieve this level of client introspection and decision-making. Collaborative divorce is not for everyone. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you or someone you know? Click on this link to learn more and decide for yourself. www.collaborativelaw.org

July 30, 2014

In my last post “Getting Unmarried: Gray Divorces” I wrote about the increasing number of divorces for those over the age of fifty. Also of note was how Gray Divorces have many of the same foundational issues as any divorce although there are some distinct differences. Regardless of the issues, a trained financial neutral plays a critical role in the collaborative process. Money matters can be a bed rock of tension in divorce cases. Financial issues are often cited as a major reason for marriage breakups. A financial neutral assists couples in navigating their finances. They help with the two major financial components in divorce. One is the balance sheet (list of all assets and liabilities), and two the cash flow and support. So what does a financial neutral actually do you ask. First and foremost a financial neutral is just that – an impartial expert on financial issues. They remain unattached to any particular outcome. A good financial neutral can be worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping couples navigate money issues in divorce. Financial neutrals help a couple gather and identify the financial information needed. I often hear from spouses the detail involved in gathering the financial information is something they have never experienced. The reason for this is all assets and liabilities, each and every one, is separately noted in the final decree so as to leave no doubt who gets what and who is responsible for what. Independent third party written documentation is needed to support each asset and liability. This information gathering is a part of the process that can’t be short circuited. Having said this, when information gathering is completed by a financial neutral it can save spouses a considerable sum. Think about it. You are paying one professional, the financial neutral, to complete this process vs. each spouse providing the same information to each of their attorneys who in a non-collaborative divorce will have to review and assimilate all the information provided, ask questions of their clients, and then likely have to converse with the other spouse’s attorney. Financial neutrals can assimilate and organize this information in a streamlined manner with the couple’s cooperation. Usually financial neutral hourly rates are less and sometimes significantly less than attorney rates. Once all financial information is collected and organized the financial neutral creates a marital balance sheet listing each and every asset and liability. The marital balance sheet forms the basis for discussion as to how each asset and liability is allocated between spouses. In the collaborative divorce process, couples make their own decisions about asset and liability allocations to each spouse. Couples must ultimately reach agreements on the balance sheet. The financial neutral along with each spouse’s attorney helps facilitate these discussions. The alternative in more traditional litigated divorce cases is someone else, a judge, makes decisions for the couple since they are not able to agree on their own. Financial neutrals help spouse’s asses their ability to meet their reasonable living expenses (cash flow). This part of the process includes analyzing income sources and estimating future living expenses. Generally spouses are asked to complete some sort of budget template. In my experience both as a financial neutral and a financial planner, I find most people do not care for the term budget. I do a fair amount of public speaking and when I ask people what they think of when they hear the word budget it usually has a negative impression like restrictive or confining. I have attempted to remove the word budget from my vocabulary as a result and replaced it with cash flow or spending guide. Budgets tend to be backward looking while the words cash flow and spending guide are future oriented. Assessing income and expenses (cash flow) provides each spouse with a realistic look at their financial security moving forward. Financial security is the number one goal I hear that each spouse wants to achieve. No one has ever told me they want financial insecurity. A realistic look at cash flow for each spouse is critical to providing the financial security they seek. Here is a phrase I have used when having cash flow discussions. If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep may be your downfall. Think about that for a moment. Better yet remember it, as it will serve you well no matter your financial stage in life. Yes the balance sheet with its listing of all assets and liabilities and the cash flow and support pieces form the two financial pillars of every divorce. Sometimes the financial issues can become very emotionally charged. A well-trained experienced collaborative financial professional along with the help of other collaborative team members can help keep spouses on track. I encourage couples to the extent possible to look at these decisions as business decisions. It’s easier said than done but in the end it usually is a business decision. I am a firm believer that each spouse and their family are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow report. In my book and in my work people always come first before numbers. There are other important financial issues a financial neutral can assist with. Watch for part II of “Getting Unmarried: Money and Divorce”. There I will talk about marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you? If you or someone you know may be looking for a divorce alternative without court click on this link to learn more: www.collaborativelaw.org.

July 9, 2014

In my last post “Getting Unmarried: Gray Divorces” I wrote about the increasing number of divorces for those over the age of fifty. Also of note was how Gray Divorces have many of the same foundational issues as any divorce although there are some distinct differences. Regardless of the issues, a trained financial neutral plays a critical role in the collaborative process. Money matters can be a bed rock of tension in divorce cases. Financial issues are often cited as a major reason for marriage breakups. A financial neutral assists couples in navigating their finances. They help with the two major financial components in divorce. One is the balance sheet (list of all assets and liabilities), and two the cash flow and support. So what does a financial neutral actually do you ask. First and foremost a financial neutral is just that – an impartial expert on financial issues. They remain unattached to any particular outcome. A good financial neutral can be worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping couples navigate money issues in divorce. Financial neutrals help a couple gather and identify the financial information needed. I often hear from spouses the detail involved in gathering the financial information is something they have never experienced. The reason for this is all assets and liabilities, each and every one, is separately noted in the final decree so as to leave no doubt who gets what and who is responsible for what. Independent third party written documentation is needed to support each asset and liability. This information gathering is a part of the process that can’t be short circuited. Having said this, when information gathering is completed by a financial neutral it can save spouses a considerable sum. Think about it. You are paying one professional, the financial neutral, to complete this process vs. each spouse providing the same information to each of their attorneys who in a non-collaborative divorce will have to review and assimilate all the information provided, ask questions of their clients, and then likely have to converse with the other spouse’s attorney. Financial neutrals can assimilate and organize this information in a streamlined manner with the couple’s cooperation. Usually financial neutral hourly rates are less and sometimes significantly less than attorney rates. Once all financial information is collected and organized the financial neutral creates a marital balance sheet listing each and every asset and liability. The marital balance sheet forms the basis for discussion as to how each asset and liability is allocated between spouses. In the collaborative divorce process, couples make their own decisions about asset and liability allocations to each spouse. Couples must ultimately reach agreements on the balance sheet. The financial neutral along with each spouse’s attorney helps facilitate these discussions. The alternative in more traditional litigated divorce cases is someone else, a judge, makes decisions for the couple since they are not able to agree on their own. Financial neutrals help spouse’s asses their ability to meet their reasonable living expenses (cash flow). This part of the process includes analyzing income sources and estimating future living expenses. Generally spouses are asked to complete some sort of budget template. In my experience both as a financial neutral and a financial planner, I find most people do not care for the term budget. I do a fair amount of public speaking and when I ask people what they think of when they hear the word budget it usually has a negative impression like restrictive or confining. I have attempted to remove the word budget from my vocabulary as a result and replaced it with cash flow or spending guide. Budgets tend to be backward looking while the words cash flow and spending guide are future oriented. Assessing income and expenses (cash flow) provides each spouse with a realistic look at their financial security moving forward. Financial security is the number one goal I hear that each spouse wants to achieve. No one has ever told me they want financial insecurity. A realistic look at cash flow for each spouse is critical to providing the financial security they seek. Here is a phrase I have used when having cash flow discussions. If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep may be your downfall. Think about that for a moment. Better yet remember it, as it will serve you well no matter your financial stage in life. Yes the balance sheet with its listing of all assets and liabilities and the cash flow and support pieces form the two financial pillars of every divorce. Sometimes the financial issues can become very emotionally charged. A well-trained experienced collaborative financial professional along with the help of other collaborative team members can help keep spouses on track. I encourage couples to the extent possible to look at these decisions as business decisions. It’s easier said than done but in the end it usually is a business decision. I am a firm believer that each spouse and their family are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow report. In my book and in my work people always come first before numbers. There are other important financial issues a financial neutral can assist with. Watch for part II of “Getting Unmarried: Money and Divorce.” There I will talk about marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you? If you or someone you know may be looking for a divorce alternative without court click on this link to learn more: www.collaborativelaw.org

June 17, 2014

According to a Bowling Green State University study, the divorce rate for those over 50 more than doubled between 1990 and 2009. The trend suggests that by 2030 there will be more than 800,000 divorces per year for the 50 plus age group. This unprecedented rise in gray divorces is occurring while the divorce rate among younger couples is declining.

I will not be a year 2030 statistic. My divorce was final in 2010 after a 32-year marriage, which most definitely puts me in that age 50 plus boomer group. While the Bowling Green study and an endless amount of other research discusses some of the reasons and causes for this divorce demographic, I want to focus on how the issues are different for gray divorces and yet the same as those divorcing at much younger ages. In my experience, working with spouses as a financial neutral every divorce is unique to each family. However, all divorces have some broad common foundational issues. Every divorce, whether you are in your 50’s and above or younger, has at least some financial issues to be resolved. Divorce financial issues involve allocating assets and liabilities to each spouse in an effort to be fair and equitable. In addition if there are children under the age of 18 providing for the needs of the children is a consideration. In certain situations, spousal maintenance may come into the play. What is different about financial issues in gray divorces is hypothetically; there are greater assets and fewer liabilities given their longer life and time in the workforce up to this point than their younger counterparts. In my work as a financial neutral with gray divorcees, I can share with you this is not always the case. Many times assets are limited and debts are significant. A collaborative-trained financial neutral is well equipped to help spouses with these and other financial issues. There is less time for boomer spouses to recover from the financial loss of divorce. Essentially assets and debts are allocated equally with some exceptions that have the effect of reducing the marital estate in half. Sometimes mothers or fathers have stayed at home or otherwise sacrificed to some degree a working career to care for their children. Now in their 50’s and above they will need to do what they can to work towards becoming self-supporting. This is no small order, as we all know how difficult the job market can be for anyone let alone trying to re enter the workforce when you are gray and training and skills may need to be updated. When there are children under the age of 18 a parenting plan must be established. Parents ideally come to agreements on how to co-parent their minor children. This is not to imply that children older than 18 are not affected by divorce. My children were all adults over the age of 21 when my divorce occurred and I can share the divorce had an impact on their lives as well as mine and my former spouse. While child support financial obligations and parenting time schedules may not be a factor in gray divorces, those adult children need the support of both parents. Gray divorcing clients would do well to consider the support their adult children need. After all, there will still be birthdays, holidays, weddings, graduations, and yes-even grandchildren in the future. Your children regardless of their age want to know they have two loving and caring parents who will always be there for them. With gray divorces, there are often decade’s long relationships with extended family members. What will these relationships look like in the future? Will the relationships continue to exist or somehow change a result of the divorce? How will what happens to these relationships affect your adult children? All of these and many more questions arise in gray divorces. Divorce, regardless of age, is never easy nor does it produce any winners in my opinion. However, those who have made the decision to end their marriage would be wise to become knowledgeable of the collaborative divorce process. Collaborative Divorce is well suited to handle gray divorces. This process when successfully completed keeps your divorce out of court and thus keeps it private. More importantly, it keeps the outcome in your control. You and your spouse are able to make decisions about your future not a judge with limited information and time. Collaborative divorce is a process that involves dignity, respect, and acknowledges the contributions of each spouse to their marriage. If you know of anyone who has made the decision to divorce or is seriously considering divorce you would be doing them a favor by letting them know that collaborative divorce is an option and where they can go for more information. To learn more about collaborative divorce visit www.collaborativelaw.org.

February 11, 2014

I’m sharing this post with my readers because of the simple message of opportunity it carries for anyone facing divorce. If you know of someone about to face divorce, you would be doing him or her a great favor by sharing this article. You will help educate, inform, and provide the opportunity for choice and hope not only for the person you know, but also for their entire family. This post is reprinted here with permission of Pauline Tesler, a Collaborative colleague who hails from California. Pauline is the co-founder and first president of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, frequent lecturer, and trainer. Divorce as Temporary “Diminished Capacity” You don’t need to be a lawyer or a psychologist to know that going through a divorce is one of life’s roughest passages. It can cause a myriad of emotional responses that can at times feel overwhelming and limit your ability to think clearly or make good choices. Unfortunately, this occurs at the very time you are called upon to make some of the most important decisions of your life. For many people, the ending of a marriage is a time of temporary “diminished capacity.” By diminished capacity, we mean a period during which the person you thought you were on your best days—competent, thoughtful, considerate, reasonable, fair-minded, resilient—disappears for days or weeks at a time. The person you generally know yourself to be gets replaced temporarily by an unfamiliar and frightening self who can hardly summon up enough energy to get out of bed, wallows in fear, confusion or anger, or jumps to hasty conclusions in order to end the conflicting impulses about what to do and how to behave. Recovering from the shock of a failed marriage involves moving through that initial period of diminished capacity, until gradually, more and more of the time, your pre-divorce “best-self” is back at the helm. Most people can expect to feel something like their old, pre-divorce selves in eighteen to twenty-four months from the time of the divorce decree, though it happens more quickly for some and more slowly for many. During that recovery period, it is quite common for people to veer suddenly and dramatically from day to day, or even hour to hour, between optimism and darkest pessimism, between cooperative good humor and frightening rage. You may be experiencing such intense emotions as you come to terms with the possible—or actual—ending of your marriage. Most people do, at least some of the time. Keeping the focus on best intentions and good decision making in light of that reality is what collaborative divorce is all about. Thinking clearly about what kind of divorce you want and how you’ll get there may be an unfamiliar concept to you. Most people are surprised to learn that the choices made right at the start of the divorce process have great impact on what kind of a divorce experience they will have. Even when people do understand the high stakes of those early choices, thinking clearly and making intelligent choices at that time can be very challenging, because divorce is an emotional wild ride like no other. Even very reasonable and civilized people can find unexpected, hard-to-manage emotions popping up at the most inconvenient times, particularly during the early months of a separation and divorce—exactly the time when you will be making decisions that determine what kind of divorce you are likely to get, and how your divorce will affect the rest of your life. When you choose collaborative divorce, a team of professional helpers from the fields of law, psychology, and finance will provide coordinated support and guidance to help you and your partner slow down, reflect, focus on values, aspire to high goals, make good choices, work together constructively while avoiding court, plan for the future, and reach deep resolution. In our experience, this kind of coordinated professional help isn’t available anywhere else but in collaborative divorce. If you choose it, you and your spouse can count on professional advice and counsel that will:

encourage both of you to remember your goal: the best divorce the two of you are capable of achieving
educate and remind you about the divorce grief and recovery process so that you can choose to operate from your hopes rather than your fears
help you focus on the future rather than the past, and on your deepest personal values and goals for the future rather than what the local judge is permitted to order
make it possible for your financial advice to come from a financial expert, and your parenting advice to come from a child specialist, so that your lawyer is freed to do what lawyers do best: help you reach well-considered resolution
keep you and your spouse focused on how your children are really doing, and how the two of you can help them move through the divorce with the least possible pain and “collateral damage”
teach both of you new understanding and skills that will help you be more effective co-parents after the divorce than you may be capable of right now as your marriage ends
make sure you and your spouse have all the information you’ll need to make wise decisions—not just information about the law, but also about finance, child development, grief and recovery, family systems, negotiating techniques, and anything else that will help you devise creative lasting solutions
emphasize consensus and real resolution, not horse-trading and quick fixes
help you maintain maximum privacy, creativity, and self-determination in your divorce.

Divorce is never easy, but making the collaborative choice helps you to move through a challenging life passage with dignity, intelligence, and respect. [Excerpted and adapted from Introduction and Chapter One of Collaborative Divorce: The Revolutionary New Way to Restructure Your Family, Resolve Legal Issues, and Move on with Your Life, by Pauline H. Tesler, J.D., and Peggy Thompson, Ph.D.] To learn more about Collaborative Divorce here in Minnesota check out our website at www.collaborativelaw.org.

November 29, 2013

Choosing an attorney is a critical decision and not to be taken lightly. Equally if not more important is who your spouse chooses to have as their attorney. You can follow all the steps in this series of posts on choosing an attorney but if your spouse doesn’t do the same thing or something similar the likelihood of a successful cooperative or possibly collaborative divorce process is significantly reduced. This means an increased chance of litigation or at least a contentious process, which will be at your expense and your family’s expense. If you are like most of us, you will want to keep as much of your hard earned dollars in your family. In an ideal world, which we know exists only in our minds, the two attorneys not only know each other but have worked on cases together representing opposing clients and have achieved settlements that both spouses can live with. I will close this post with some basic questions you may want to consider asking attorneys when doing your research and interviewing. This is not meant to be an all-inclusive list. Add your own questions you deem important.

Do you only work on divorce cases or do you practice other areas of law? If not exclusively divorce work, what percentage of your work is handling divorces?
How long have you been working with divorce cases?
How do you approach handling a divorce case? Tell me how you would proceed with a divorce case like mine.
How many divorce cases do you typically handle in a year?
What divorce processes do you use?
During the past 3 years approximately what percentage of your cases have been:

Litigation___________% Cooperative_________% Collaborative________% Ask them what specific training they have had in collaborative divorce and if they are a member of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. *The percentages above will give you a good idea of the divorce process used more frequently by the attorney. NOTE: If they don’t know about cooperative or collaborative divorce processes they likely practice primarily in a litigation manner.

Would other people be working on my case with you? If so what are their qualifications and how is their time billed?

What is your hourly rate and how do you bill for it? What exactly is billed besides your time? I.E. travel, copies, long distance calls, emails, etc.

Do you require a retainer? If so, what is the amount? If I decide not to work with you will it be completely refunded?

What do you expect from me as your client?

What should I expect from you as my attorney?

Following these suggestions will not guarantee you a successful relationship with a divorce attorney, but I believe it will help increase the likelihood of that happening. Remember, do your homework, research, interview, reflect and, as I mentioned, sometimes you just have to go with your gut. If you need/want help finding a divorce attorney in the Minneapolis/St. Paul seven county metro areas, feel free to contact me. I know and have worked with many of them. I wish you all the best as you continue this journey and major life transition.