Have you found yourself repeating to your children a phrase your mom or dad said to you when you were young? It is true that we are most influenced by the parenting models and family dynamics we grew up with.
If you are going through a divorce, how you divorce will have a huge impact on your children. In collaborative divorce practice, your children can experience your better parenting practices even in times of stress and conflict. There are resources for parents to help their children through the divorce process. Vicki Lansky’s The Divorce Book for Parents and Constance Ahron’s The Good Divorce provide practical tips and guides for parents.
In addition to helping them cope with your divorce, you can model for you children a way to handle difficulties in their future relationships by choosing the collaborative divorce process. In a collaborative divorce, your children’s interests will be heard with the help of a collaborative child specialist. Instead of fighting over custody, you will focus on what parenting schedule is in the best interests of your children.
This is a gift to your children, not only for their present well-being but also for their future relationships and parenting.
At the beginning of a divorce, you have to choose which path to take. I think of this choice every time I see this sign in Arizona, where Bloody Basin Road is one direction, and Tranquil Trail goes the opposite way. It’s much like the choice at the beginning of a divorce.
I once met a woman who had gone through a highly-contested divorce, followed by 3 years of court battles after the divorce was final. Her story is a cautionary tale of what happens when decisions at the beginning are made out of fear.
Her divorce began when her husband came home on a Friday and announced that he had fallen in love with someone else and wanted a divorce. He packed a bag and moved out of the house. She was shocked, hurt, angry and scared. She was a stay-at-home mom, and she didn’t know how she would be able to take care of herself financially.
When she called her family, they reacted out of fear: “You better move money out of your joint bank account before he cleans it out, and you’re left with nothing.” Panic kicked in, so she went to a bank first thing Saturday morning to open a new individual account with their joint funds. And she decided her best move was to hire an aggressive litigator who would fight to protect her.
Her husband found out on Monday that she moved their money out of the joint account. He was shocked, hurt, angry – and also scared. “How could she do this? I have always provided for this family, and she made a unilateral decision to take our savings. She is going to take me for everything I have in this divorce. “ And he decided his best move was to hire an aggressive litigator who would fight to protect him.
Once they lawyered up, they were off to the races, tearing down Bloody Basin Road. They each spent several hundred thousand dollars in legal fees. I wonder: How protected did they feel? How protected did their children feel?
I also wonder how this might have been different. What if they didn’t stake out their fear-based positions at the outset? Imagine if they had attorneys trained in collaborative practice who could say, “Slow down. Let’s keep the status quo with your finances and give you both a chance to understand your options before anyone starts taking action.” Imagine if they had a divorce coach who could help them focus on their long-term goals for the family. Imagine if they had a child specialist who could keep them focused on how to support their children, rather than tearing each other apart. I believe they would have had a better chance of actually protecting themselves if they had used a collaborative process to manage the fear and conflict. They might have been able to drive down Tranquil Trail. 
Where can I hire an attorney with heart?
I get that question all the time. Okay, so not exactly that question, but isn’t that what we mean? We ask for a “good” attorney or a “reasonably priced” attorney or one “who cares and will listen to me.”
In Collaborative Team Practice, attorneys work with other professionals who have training and experience in the non-legal areas of divorce. Those other professionals help the clients with the financial information, the child/parenting issues, and the emotional rollercoaster of the process, while the attorneys focus specifically on the legal aspects.
Why would an attorney want to work in Team Practice?
In the traditional model they do it all. They set up the spreadsheets and explain financial options, help their clients come up with a parenting time schedule and referee the arguments and emotions. All of that takes a lot of hours, and to be perfectly honest, that turns into a lot of billable hours.
Attorneys who limit their work to the legal aspects of the divorce have less billable time. They work side by side with experts who specialize in the other essential areas of divorce. Since they are only doing one piece of the work they get just one piece of the billable hours.
So, again, why do they do it?
Team practice attorneys are members of the broader community of attorneys out there who are motivated by putting their clients’ interests first. I know from professional experience that they understand how difficult divorce is and want to be of service. They want their clients to get the full support a team can provide. Contrary to all of the humor about lawyers, there is an abundance of really good, caring attorneys. Team Practice Collaborative Attorneys absolutely have heart. 
I know somebody payin’ child support for one of his kids His baby momma’s car crib is bigger than his You will see him on TV, any given Sunday Win the Superbowl and drive off in a Hyundai She was supposed to buy ya shorty Tyco with ya money She went to the doctor got lipo with ya money
When parents are willing to step outside the courtroom to solve the issue of supporting their children, they can create custom solutions that minimize fighting. In the collaborative divorce process, we ask our families to put together budgets and we separate the children’s expenses. What are the actual expenses for your children? Things such as summer camps, sports, tutoring, clothing, cell phones,and driving lessons. Once parents have a clear picture of what the expenses are, they can talk about how to pay for these expenses. One creative solution many of our clients adopt is an account for the children’s expenses. The parents designate a joint account, decide how to fund the account and how to handle payments from the account. So when Susie is at mom’s house and says she needs to bring a check for school lunches, mom can write a check from the joint account. When dad takes Billy shopping for new soccer cleats, he can pay with a debit card from the joint account. The parents can talk about the actual expenses and revise their budget as the needs of their children change. And no one is taking child support to get plastic surgery like in Kanye’s song.
Welcome! Namaste, as they often say at the beginning and ending of Yoga classes.
If you are going through a divorce or separation, one of the best pieces of non-legal advice I can give you is to take up Yoga (or reengage with your existing practice with renewed determination).
Now, you may be wondering: “What in the world is the connection between divorce or separation and Yoga?”
Well, Yoga can help fight stress, depression and anxiety, among other health benefits, which are common health and wellness issues to address when you experience conflict in your life.
As a Collaborative Practice Lawyer and Family Mediator, who works in the middle of family conflict on a daily basis, I have benefited from practicing Yoga as a means to reduce my stress level, to increase my resiliency to stressful situations and to improve my overall fitness level.
If it works for the professionals you are working with, it could just as easily work for you.
I recommend Yoga to anyone going through divorce or other family conflict or significant life transition. Yoga just provides a nice mix of low-impact physical movement and increased stress resilience.
There are many different types of Yoga, but in most western Yoga studios, Yoga practice is about connecting with your physical and mental self. There is a focus on being mindful of your breathing and feedback from your body as you move through the poses or as you simply sit or lay still. It often incorporates a portion of meditation practice that teaches us to observe our thoughts non-judgmentally which helps us further observe our physical reaction to our thoughts and feelings and, as a benefit, to feel less negative physical reactions to stress.
To learn more about Yoga, you may want to check out your local Yoga studio(s), which you can find by Googling Yoga and looking through the local results. Also look online at Yoga Journal. I am a subscriber of Yoga Journal and have copies on-hand at my office for clients. For my own personal practice, I’ve been very tempted to try out streaming online classes from myonlineyoga.com, which has a huge selection of classes and has a very low monthly cost.
It goes without saying that it is incredibly helpful to be able to maintain a sense of calm during tense discussions (yes, even in Collaborative Practice!) about important things such as parenting schedules for the kids and different options for dividing assets and debts. What if you could do a better job of keeping your cool and keeping your focus on your long-term goals and concerns, instead of how mad you are about what your spouse just said?
Give Yoga a try. Namaste.
Several years back, I was working on a case with another collaborative attorney and our clients were arguing about a parenting issue. My client was trying to tell her soon-to-be former spouse how he should spend his time with their daughter. Rather than being reactive and pushing back on my client, the other attorney pulled out a piece of paper and drew a rectangle and started talking about them sharing a back yard as a couple and that when they were together, they had a common vision or idea (not always void of conflict, mind you) about how they raised their daughter and spent their resources. They let certain people enter their common back yard, decided how they would care for the back yard and how they wanted it to look.
Then The other attorney took her pen and drew a line down the middle of the back yard and talked about how the back yard is now owned half by my client and half by her client. And what was once a shared space is no longer shared, although they share a common fence. They can look over the common fence and talk about things that are important to them about their common values and goals, but they each no longer had the same authority to decide what happened in the other’s yard or who the other let into that space. She very gently and tactfully said that what we were talking about with regard to the daughter and how time was spent in the other person’s back yard, is no longer my client’s back yard to tend to. And then she mentioned something that her client no longer had the right to tend to in my client’s back yard. The couple paused and you could see the light bulb go on in their heads. It was a great metaphor for what happens during a divorce.
In a Collaborative Divorce, the team of professionals help the couple define their own back yards and identify what boundaries, ordinances, and communications are appropriate and necessary for their shared vision of parenting and a healthy divorce. This can be a very difficult transition for many people. And working with a divorce coach or neutral child specialist helps couples redefine their boundaries and expectations around parenting, communication and their newly defined relationship; all of which are part of creating a parenting plan/relationship plan. Each couple has to learn what they continue to have a say over and what they no longer have a say over with their soon-to-be former spouse.
During the next two meetings with this couple, they each commented on several occasions when they recognized they were entering the other’s back yard, and then stepped back and simply stated their concern or idea, but left it at that rather than forcing an issue. It was a non-charged term they could use going forward as co-parents. They learned where their common fence stood. After all, good fences make good neighbors, right?
I read an interesting article in the Star Tribune this week, “Till Debt Do Us Part,” about the challenges faced by newlyweds with student loan debt, particularly when one partner has more debt that the other. This got me thinking about the strong connection between money and divorce.
Money issues are the number one reason clients give me for the failure of their relationships. Debt is usually a contributing factor. In my career as a collaborative divorce attorney, clients have shared their very personal stories with me. Sometimes the story-telling is tearful and filled with regret. Other times it is angry and filled with resentment. Tension over finances can evoke negative emotions and poison otherwise loving relationships.
In some cases, money issues are caused by factors outside of anyone’s control, such as job loss, a tough economy, or illness. The resulting instability can be temporary or long-term and affects the entire family. In my experience, however, disagreements about money arise when parties come into marriage with different attitudes and feelings about money. These differences gradually reveal themselves over time, eventually affecting other aspects of the relationship. Even marriages of caring, committed spouses are at risk.
So how can divorce over money be avoided? Awareness is the first step. Each of us grew up in a family with its unique money culture. Whether we realize it or not, our ideas and values have been influenced by our childhood experiences. Many parents are reluctant to talk openly with their children about money, leaving the children to unknowingly form their own set of beliefs. Failure to recognize these hidden internal attitudes and assumptions in ourselves and others leads to misunderstanding and blame.
The good news is that open discussion of money matters can help couples identify their differences and protect their relationships. Key questions include:
- How will we manage our day-to-day finances?
- How much should we be spending vs. saving?
- Which budget items constitute “needs” vs. “wants”?
- Will all of our money be considered joint or will we each have our separate funds?
- How does each of us define “financial security”?
- What are our retirement goals?
I would not wish divorce on any married couple. It is a painful process and results in permanent loss. But I also do not like to see people suffer through unhappy marriages. Naturally, the best solution is to seek to improve the marriage so that both husband and wife can be happy. However, there are times when that is simply not possible. And for those people, their best option may be a “Happy Divorce”.
I realize that “Happy Divorce” is a misnomer. No divorce is truly “Happy”. However, in my thirty years of working with divorcing families, I have known many people who are much happier after the divorce than they were in the marriage. I have also known hundreds of couples who treat each other with more respect after the divorce than they did during the marriage. The ability to get through a divorce in a respectful manner can be an achievement of immeasurable worth; particularly if there are children of the marriage. No child wants to live in an unhappy home or, worse yet, two unhappy homes.
In our culture, we have come to expect that divorce will bring out the worst in people. But I have also seen couples who, although they are facing one of the most difficult times of their lives; have found a way to bring their best selves forward, often for the sake of their children.
Divorce is an end; but it is also a beginning. Many couples even greet divorce as an opportunity to improve their life skills. In some occasions, these couples, when faced with divorce, find ways to communicate more effectively; work to improve their parenting skills through a neutral parenting specialists; and even find ways to better their financial capacities through the help of a neutral financial expert. While there are many ways to achieve these goals, one method that is rapidly growing in popularity is called Collaborative Divorce, where couples work with a team of professionals (lawyers, mental health professionals and financial experts) to help them improve their lives after divorce in significant measurable ways. To learn more about this option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com. 
In my Collaborative Divorce practice, I frequently talk to clients about identifying their “interests” in the divorce. This is a difficult concept to understand, but is the key to reaching a resolution in a divorce that meets the needs of all family members.
“Interests” are in contrast to “positions” in the divorce. An interest is the motivation or value behind a particular position. An interest is frequently inspirational and may be far broader than a position. A position is a particular outcome. The difference between an interest and a position is frequently illustrated by the following story.
Two children were arguing over who would have the last orange in the kitchen. They each took the “position” that the orange should be theirs. Their argument included angry cries of “You had the last orange!” or “I was here first.” Unable to resolve the dispute without resorting to blows, they brought the issue to their mother. The obvious solution is for Mom to slice the orange in half and give each child one-half of the orange. Seems like a good outcome, doesn’t it? But at this suggestion the children were even unhappier. So, instead, she asked each child what he or she wanted to do with the orange. The first child replied, “I want to bake a cake. I need the zest of the orange to add to the batter.” The second child said, “I want to make orange juice.” He needed the juice and the pulp of the orange. Obviously, by understanding the underlying interests of each child, it was determined that both children could get what they wanted—the rind for a cake and the juice for orange juice.
In collaborative divorce, this is called a win-win outcome. Win-win outcomes are possible when interests are identified and the interests of all parties are met.
The pending birth of Kim Kardashian’s first child is creating substantial media buzz. The marriage of Kim to Kris Humphries was a well publicized television event, which ended in separation days later and is now being ended by a California court. In the meantime, Kim has reputedly become pregnant by music star Kanye West., and will most likely give birth before her marriage to Kris is ended.
Kim might be surprised to learn that most states in the US (including California) have adopted the Uniform Parentage Act, and could presume her baby is a child of her marriage to Kris Humphries. Under that law, children conceived during marriage and born within 300 days of a divorce can legally be presumed to be children of the husband. Kanye could agree to submit to blood tests to prove his paternity of the child, but even then the baby could simply have two presumed fathers – not one — and the court would need to conclude which presumption prevails.
Kim and Kris could have avoided this public and legal mess by agreeing to resolve their differences privately through Collaborative Divorce. Collaborative Divorce is a completely private way to resolve family law disputes, through the use of inter-disciplinary professionals such as financial analysts, mental health professionals, and attorneys. It is designed to contain the cost and length of legal proceedings, and to help couples create their own solutions – the smartest possible solutions – with the help of their Collaborative Team. Good luck to Kim, Kris and Kanye! Their dispute may languish in the court system for many months to come.