T. Boone Pickens Photo Creative Commons Licensed, Author: David Shankbone
Texas millionaire T. Boone Pickens found a way to save “several millions” on his divorce. His discovery could save you something just as valuable.
When T. Boone Pickens recently filed for his fourth divorce, he decided to try something different. Rather than proceed with a traditional divorce, as he had on the previous three occasions, he decided on a Collaborative Divorce, a process he claims saved him “ several millions”.
In an interview with the Dallas Business Journal, Mr. Pickens said that said that “Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating.”
In fact, Mr. Pickens was so grateful for the Collaborative process that he has recently donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas.
If you are facing divorce, this may not mean much to you since you probably are not in a position to save (or lose) millions. However, you may find that you can save something even more valuable. Mr. Pickens was impressed that the Collaborative Process not only helps clients save money but saves on the “emotional wear and tear on families.” For most families who face divorce, this is the more crucial issue. Collaborative Divorce is a method where attorneys and other professionals work with divorcing family for settlement purposes only and resolve issues out of court.
I have represented hundreds of families through the Collaborative Divorce process and while none of these families saved millions of dollars, many of them are just as elated because of what it saved on the emotional wear and tear on their families . Most parents would agree that while a divorce process that saves us money can be worth millions, a process that spares the emotional wear and tear on our families can be priceless.
To learn more about the Collaborative Process, go to www.Collaborativelaw.org.
Most of us are familiar with the concept of holistic medicine. The importance and interdependence of body, mind and spirit in our overall health is becoming accepted in the world of healing. Less well known, however, is the Collaborative divorce process, which utilizes a holistic approach to help struggling families heal. Collaborative practice uses a team of experts who work with the parents and their children to achieve deeper resolution.
Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not just a legal event. As countless couples in the throes of separation can attest, accusations about the past and fears about the future can make constructive conversation impossible. Frustration sets in and one or both parties “lawyer up.” So begins the all-too-often lengthy, unpleasant and expensive process of litigation, during which parents are often discouraged from communicating with one another.
Fortunately, another option exists. In Collaborative divorce, both parties have Collaboratively-trained attorneys providing guidance throughout the process. In addition, they jointly use a team of neutral professionals to address their communication, financial, parenting and emotional issues. A series of meetings takes place in which these interdependent issues are discussed and resolved without court involvement. In this way, divorcing parties maintain more control over both the process and the outcome.
Integrative medicine uses a team of specialists who communicate with one another to achieve optimum health for the patient. The Collaborative divorce process parallels this model by bringing together a team of divorce experts. This more humane method of dispute resolution can facilitate healing and result in a healthier post-divorce family.
As a divorce attorney, I often ask myself “What is this dispute really about?” This is also a good question for each person going through a divorce.
In an early case I had before I started practicing collaborative divorce, an ex-wife sued my client after the divorce was final. Her motion said that he had wrongfully taken the Tupperware and her maternity clothing and she wanted those items. We actually had a court hearing on this and her ex-husband had to get on the witness stand and testify. He testified that he did not have the Tupperware and he did not have and had no use for her maternity clothes.
That brought out a chuckle from those in the courtroom and the judge stifled a grin. The motion was denied and I felt like we “won.”
Looking back, I now realize that the divorce did not resolve some underlying issues which caused the dispute to keep on going. In a traditional divorce, the legal issues control the outcome in court and the emotional issues determine how long and how costly the dispute is.
In a collaborative divorce, both the emotional and legal issues are acknowledged and addressed. The process we use focuses on the interests the parties have – and in my experience most of those interests are shared by both. If there are differences, those are discussed. The basic facts needed are incomes, values of assets, debt balances –which can easily be verified by documents. Those assets that are harder to value such as homes, businesses – can be valued by a neutral expert agreed to by both
The emotions of anger and perceived wrongs of the past can impede progress in reaching a final agreement. In a collaborative divorce, a neutral coach who is a mental health professional working with the couple, helps them work through those impediments to a settlement.
If you are going through a divorce, you want to avoid arguing about the Tupperware and get some help to focus on what your real interests are and how you can reach an agreement.
If you are going through or thinking about starting a Collaborative Divorce, you might wonder why you need a Child Specialist. After all, if you and your spouse agree on custody and parenting time (previously called “visitation”), why spend money on a Child Specialist? As a Collaborative Attorney and Mediator, I enjoy helping parents with the parenting piece; however, I am not an expert in child development, and I don’t meet with the children. Furthermore, I don’t want parents to come up with just any old plan – my wish for them is to succeed in their post-divorce co-parenting relationship and raise happy, healthy kids.
A Child Specialist helps you and your spouse create not only the day-to-day and holiday/vacation schedule, but helps you identify your goals and values as parents, so you can create a custom-made plan specifically addressing the unique needs of your children. As parents in a fast-paced world, we need to determine the appropriate age for our kids to have a cell phone. We need to think about how much screen time per day is healthy. Is texting at the dinner table OK (not!)? These are issues parents need to deal with at some point, but parents residing separately really need to be on the same page. Child Specialists can assist with these decisions. Clients often tell me how glad they are they hired a Child Specialist, because they are more in-tune with their children, and are therefore, better parents.
Child Specialists are valuable members of the Collaborative Team and are wonderful resources for parents. Believe me, I know this personally because I consult with them when I have questions about my own kiddo! Although you know your children the best (their funny little quirks, favorite color, best friend’s name, and so forth) Child Specialists know what makes children tick from a developmental perspective; thus, they are treasure troves of information. Why not tap into that? Think of it this way: would you rather spend the money on an expert who can guide you now to the land of great co-parenting or spend two, maybe three times or more on therapy for your kids later, because you and your spouse did the bare minimum to just get through the divorce (understandable – it’s a painful ordeal). Consistency in parenting, as well as respecting and understanding your different parenting styles and personalities, can be the difference between a “so-so” parenting plan and a “so-good” parenting plan. It’s easy to spend time and money on gadgets, toys, clothes, and activities for kids, so consider taking the time and money to invest in utilizing a Child Specialist to craft a parenting plan that will help you and your spouse co-parent effectively post-divorce. I bet you’ll be glad you did!
In my collaborative legal practice, I consistently witness the power of communication in conflict resolution. A recent story illustrates this power.
My father recently settled into his lawn chair in the backyard of his beautiful Southern California home when he heard a strange noise. As the noise was conspicuously and continuously coming from his neighbor’s yard, he peeked over the fence. He was surprised to find a dozen or so chickens running freely around the yard – clucking and pecking up a storm. They were destroying the yard and making a noise that over the next few days became a great nuisance. He first researched the “urban chicken” phenomenon and then reached out to animal control to learn the neighbor needed to have a permit. He informed me that he was going to report his neighbor to the county, which would likely result in a fine and perhaps an end to the noise.
I suggested my father talk to his neighbor first. Begrudgingly, he did so and learned that the woman who lived next door had an adult son who recently suffered a traumatic brain injury. Due to his injury, he has fixated on certain activities for short periods of time. She has tried to allow her son these activities and is working with a physician to do so in a therapeutic way. The chickens are one of these activities. She expected the chickens to be gone within a month and offered my father fresh eggs as consolation for his troubles. He was not only sympathetic to her challenges, the noise seemed to subside after that conversation, and my father thoroughly enjoyed the eggs.
The simple act of communicating resolved this conflict. A collaborative divorce provides a safe and effective way to communicate in order to find resolutions. While emotions often get in the way of open and honest communication, the collaborative process supports keeping the communication lines open. It allows clients to “reach across the table” (just as my father “reached across the fence”) and learn more in an effort find resolution. If there are children in a case, the parents need to have open lines of communication as co-parents. The collaborative process is the best process out there to use communication effectively, practice those skills and, with the help of collaborative professionals, even improve communication skills for the future.
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
When it comes to co-parenting after divorce, the best parenting plan is the one you never have to use.
Creating the parenting plan is perhaps the most important part of your collaborative divorce process. But if you put the time and energy into creating a complete plan, you will lay the foundation for good communication and have the flexibility to work with your former spouse as your children’s needs change in the future. The habits of good co-parenting will be ingrained and will be second nature.
Minnesota law permits parents to avoid the labels of legal and physical custody if they have a parenting plan that spells out the important aspects of parenting. In collaborative divorce, parents frequently choose to use a child specialist who can help them develop a thoughtful parenting plan that is tailored to their family. Parenting plans typically include:
- the schedule of how the children will divide their time between the parents;
- how the parents will communicate about their children;
- how the parents will make important decisions related to their children, such as schools, activities, and religion;
- how the parents will handle child care and medical care;
- how the parents will handle contact with the extended family;
- how the parents will introduce the children to new partners.
People that face divorce often describe feeling caught between two powerful motivators. On the one hand, they often feel they will need to “play hardball” in order to make sure they get the settlement they deserve. On the other hand, they know that an acrimonious divorce could damage their children, their integrity and their financial stability.
What most people do not know is that you do not need to choose between a peaceful solution and getting a better outcome. In fact, you can actually protect yourself more effectively through well planned civil negotiating methods. Hiring an attorney to play hardball in divorce court almost always backfires in divorce court.
More than 95% of all divorce cases end in a settlement rather than a trial. Therefore, it is most effective to think of the divorce process as a exercise in getting your spouse to “say yes” to your most important goals.
It is important to think about the technique that is most likely to get your spouse to “say yes” to the things that matter the most to you. Playing “hardball” is generally a strategy of having your attorney make aggressive arguments. While that might, on the surface, seem like what you want your attorney to do, is this really likely to work? How often have you seen arguments cause your spouse to change his or her mind? Arguments and aggressive tactics in divorce court, like most arguments in the kitchen, generally just lead to more arguments and aggression.
There is an old saying that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”, which, of course means that you get better agreements through smart civil tactics. This saying is even more true in the divorce world where aggressive “vinegar” arguments are nearly certain to create an emotional response that will simply lead to more arguments.
Does being civil during divorce mean that you simply need to give in to everything your spouse wants? To the contrary; civility does not mean weakness and, in divorce, you can seek advocacy without stirring up acrimony. One way that is growing rapidly around the world, is a method called Collaborative Practice where you and your spouse hire attorneys and other professionals who focus on settlement only and who help both spouses find better outcomes. This gives you the opportunity to have someone “advocate” for you in a way that is far more likely to protect your interests. 
As a neutral child specialist, I value the opportunity to learn from the children with whom I work, all of whom have parents who are ending or have ended their marriage or partnership. Parents add a neutral child specialist to their Collaborative team because they see the benefit of children having a voice and getting the support of a mental health professional during a very difficult time in their lives.
I will never forget the very wise voice of a little girl who told me, “Deb, I’m not gonna tell my friends that my parents are getting divorced—that sounds too jaggedy. I’m gonna tell them my parents are getting unmarried, because that means the same thing.” How simple and how brilliant!
It is true that our neural nets for the word “divorce” include a lot of jagged associations that sound painful and scary to parents, and even more so to their children. The term “unmarried” helps create a new and more hopeful neural net of associations during and after a divorce or break up.
How different to a child’s ear to hear that her family is changing how it works rather than her family is broken? To understand that parents will co-parent rather than have joint custody? To believe that children will be kept at the center and not in the middle? Listening to children’s voices helps keep a crisis in their lives from ever becoming a trauma—and that is priceless.
Where should I sit?
This is a common thought walking into any new room. This is especially true if you are involved in a legal discussion and emotions are high.
In a memorable Collaborative Practice training I attended a couple years ago, the instructor encouraged us to think about conference room space at our respective offices. We were to think about our seating space from the perspective of a client and also from the perspective of the other participants. We had a thorough discussion on the pros and cons of where to park various participants and a role-play about seating; who should sit where? Why?
It is a little like solving a puzzle, trying to find the best seating position to attain a comfortable and effective discussion. Should the attorneys sit next to each other and the clients sit next to each other? Should it be grouped by attorney-client pairs on each side of a table? Should the clients sit across the table from one another? Is it better to have the clients sit directly across or diagonal from one another?
Does this sound like what you would think a group of attorneys would get together to talk about? No, this type of discussion is way outside the realm of traditional litigation-based attorney training. This is the Collaborative way of thinking.
Collaborative Attorneys and other Collaborative team members are trained and experienced in thinking not just about the legal aspects of a case, but also the non-legal aspects of the client experience. Seating at a group meeting is just one example. It is quite simple: when people are comfortable, they are better able to think with a clear head. These non-legal factors in the client experience play an important part in negotiating successful and durable settlements.
It is common for attorneys to say that most of family law is not about the law. What they mean is that the law is only part of the equation and that emotions and other factors play a major role in resolving a case. Collaborative teams are uniquely trained to think about and value these non-legal factors in helping their clients negotiate legal solutions.