Looking for some Twin Cities fun on a budget? Going from a duel income to a single income is not only difficult, but can bring on many emotions, especially if it leaves you feeling inadequate with providing for your children. There are so many low and no cost options out there that you don’t have to feel your children are missing out if you are on a single parent budget. Here are some of our favorites:
- Como Zoo (free)
- Minneapolis Sculpture Garden (free)
- Walker Art Center (free admission Thursdays from 5-9pm)
- Minnesota History Center (free admission Tuesdays from 5-8pm)
- Fishing at many local community piers and parks (free)
- Minnehaha Falls (free)
- Three Rivers Parks District: Elm Creek Park Reserve, Lowery nature Center, Minnetonka Regional Park, etc. (free admission and many free activities and play equipment). Tip: make a list for a scavenger hunt before you go, kids LOVE scavenger hunts!
- Minnesota Children’s Museum (free admission the 3rd Sunday of each month)
- Outdoor concerts in the summer: Minneapolis Music in the Parks and St. Paul Music in the Parks, as well as many suburban concert series (free)
- Movies in the Park in Summer: many area options (free)
- Minnesota Landscape Arboretum (free admission every third Thursday of the month after 4:30 pm April through October)
- Farmer’s Markets: many area options, check your city and surrounding areas for dates and times. Tip: If you go close to the end of the day many vendors may have reduced their prices or are willing to negotiate on fresh produce. (free admission)
- Bike or walk the area trails. We are very blessed with many quality area trails like the Luce Line, Dakota Rail Regional Trail, etc. Tip: Another great place for a scavenger hunt!
- Local beaches in the summer – We are in the land of 10,000 lakes, there are so many options for free swimming and sand castle fun!
- Local art fairs, craft fairs, car shows, etc. Admission is typically free and it is so fun to walk around and look at everything.
Also be sure to check out local discount websites such a
www.SaveOn.com,
www.Groupon.com, and
www.LivingSocial.com, where you can find deep discounts on local amusement parks, museums, the arboretum, restaurants, and more!
Your divorce probably has you feeling like everything is beyond your control. Now imagine the lack of control your children are feeling. Yesterday they had a family with two parents living under the same roof, and today their family life as they knew it is torn apart. Your children may not have any idea how things got to this point, much less have the ability to change things. While it is seemingly impossible to feel in control right now, as a parent it is your role to support your children and help them to cope with the stress of the divorce. Focusing on these four components should help to lessen the stress on your children: patience, reassurance, structure, and stability.
Patience. Have the patience to answer your child’s never ending questions they may have about the divorce. Offer them a listening ear and time to vent. Patience is tricky, especially when you are going through such a stressful time in your life. This is why it becomes so incredibly important for you to take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent you can be. Do whatever you can not to take your own stress out on your children. Even if it’s as simple as locking yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes to cool off – do it.
Reassurance. Reassure your children that they are still loved by both parents, and that they did not cause this. Reassure them that it is ok to have fun and enjoy their time with each parent by not acting jealous or getting upset. Do not put your child in a situation where they are forced to pick a side, which will only cause them more stress. Reassure them that you will get through this together, and that this is not the end of their family, but rather the beginning of a different type of family for them.
Structure. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind your children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. This is where parenting plans come into play and are so important to maintaining structure. A toddler may not know what day of the week it is, but something as simple as a color coded weekly calendar showing them what days they go to moms house at what days they go to dads house can help them to understand their routine. A preteen or teen may benefit more from an electronic calendar, where they know exactly who is picking them up from school and activities each day. Find what works best for maintaining structure in your family and stick to it.
Stability. It is important to maintain structure in order to provide stability for your children. If one parent has bailed on picking up the kids for the past two weeks, that child no longer has the stability in their life to help them cope with the stress of divorce. Parents in this situation will often stop telling their children when the other parent is going to pick them up because they hate to see them get disappointed. When this happens the parenting plan needs to be addressed and reevaluated. Not only is it stressful on the parent when the other doesn’t follow through, but it is incredibly stressful on children.
All of these points go hand in hand with one another. The more stability and structure you have, the more reassured your child will be. Divorce may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.
Some time ago I wrote about The Four Agreements from a book by the same name by Don Miguel Ruiz. Ruiz believes we can stay out of conflict if each person makes the following agreements with him or herself:
1. I will be impeccable with my word.
2. I will not personalize anything the other person says, does, thinks, feels or believes.
3. I will make no assumptions.
4. I will do my best each day with the energy I have been given.
The Second Agreement frequently needs to be reinforced in my work with families. To successfully make the transition from married couple to co-parents, parents must learn not to reflexively react to each others’ negative emotional states and behaviors. This is a complicated task.
Establishing close human relationships requires us to be sensitive to the feelings of others, and to form attachments. Early childhood development experts often refer to the creation of healthy attachment between an infant and caregiver as the “dance of empathy.” Though attachment begins in infancy with attuned parenting , it continues throughout a lifetime. Empathy is a building block of positive relationships.
However, empathy without clear boundaries can morph into co-dependence. When relationships become co-dependent, a person’s emotional state becomes enmeshed with the emotional state of the other. If the other expresses anger, his or her partner feels attacked and defensive. If the other expresses sadness, his or her partner feels blame and shame. The partner personalizes and thus assumes responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and actions of the other, and organizes his or her own thoughts, feelings and actions around the impossible task of changing the other.
Ruiz reminds us that each person has a choice about how he or she will think, feel and act in response to a given situation. The only power to change comes from within. Recognizing this reality allows one to detach from personalizing and reflexively reacting to the behavior of the other, and by doing so, staying out of conflict with the other. It can be hard work, but setting the goal of establishing new and healthy emotional boundaries during and after a divorce sets the stage for effective co-parenting in the future.
In
his book about how to avoid human conflict, Don Miguel Ruiz suggests these four agreements that a person makes with himself or herself:
1. I will be impeccable with my word.
2. I will not personalize the anything the other person says, does, feels, thinks or believes.
3. I will make no assumptions.
4. I will do my best each day with the energy I have been given.
This post will focus on the Third Agreement, which can be very difficult to keep, in part because of how we are wired. Our human brains are constantly analyzing our environment and making conscious and subconscious decisions about whether or not a threat exists. Without this vigilance, we would not have survived as a species. Our vigilant human brains are also designed to categorize and sort, and then to recognize patterns. When patterns repeat, we give the patterns a meaning and define this as learning. This is how our brains are designed to work.
However, it can happen that when we recognize patterns, we give them the wrong meaning. We can make an incorrect assumption (which is the definition of a superstition). We get further and further from real meaning if we persist in believing and acting on our assumptions. This can create unnecessary misunderstanding and conflict, and it happens all the time, especially in intimate relationships. Rather than make assumptions, it is important to remain open to alternate interpretations and ask good questions.
One can easily make misguided assumptions even when absolutely sure one is right. When I met my mother-in-law, her home was filled with frog ornaments. For years, family members gave her frog-themed items for her birthday and Christmas, and she found places to display them all. After 10 years, I happened to ask her when she first started to like frogs. She responded, “Oh, I don’t like frogs.” All evidence to the contrary! I said in puzzlement, “But you have such a collection of frogs, I just assumed you liked them.” She smiled and told about receiving frog-decorated towels as a thank you gift from a guest. She put the towels in her guest bathroom, and the next guests assumed she liked frogs and bought her a frog ornament, which she promptly displayed. What was never true about my wonderful mother-in-law was that she liked frogs. What was true was that she proudly displayed the gifts she was given, to honor the givers.
In the relationship crisis of a divorce or break up, it can be especially easy to make negative assumptions about one’s spouse or partner, and express these assumptions directly to other people. A child once told me in tears about hearing one parent say to the other, “This divorce is proof you never really loved your family.” Making the Third Agreement helps ensure that children will be kept at the center and out of the middle.
0In his book The Four Agreements, author Don Miguel Ruiz articulates four principles which, when regularly practiced, will enable people to avoid conflict and live a peaceful life. The agreements one makes with oneself are:
1. I will be impeccable with my word.
2. I will not personalize anything another person says, does, thinks or believes.
3. I will make no assumptions.
4. I will do my best today.
I teach my Collaborative clients about The Four Agreements and encourage them to read the book while we are creating their parenting plan. I help them recognize when their words or actions contradict an Agreement and get in the way of problem solving. I believe these are core concepts not only for effective interest-based negotiation, but for living a centered life.
One of the most difficult agreements to follow is not making assumptions. When two people live together in intimate circumstances, they pick up many cues about each other. Humans are wired to read cues and reach conclusions. Problems can arise if the conclusions are inaccurate or incomplete, especially if the conclusions are not checked out with the other person. This is especially the case when people are in conflict and already feeling mistrustful of each other, as is so often the case with divorce.
In a recent client meeting while discussing a sensitive co-parenting issue, I observed both parents making assumptions, and then getting into an argument about their assumptions. One parent assumed the other had become too absorbed with his own needs and was not taking steps to monitor their middle school-aged son’s homework and school progress during his parenting time. The other parent assumed the first parent had made disparaging remarks about him to their son during her parenting time. Both were responding to their son’s recent drop in grades and negative attitude. By making assumptions instead of asking questions, parents entered into a blame game that only served to escalate tensions and distract them from effectively understanding and addressing their son’s difficulties.
When I was able to talk with their son, I learned he was feeling overwhelmed by the demands of taking three honors courses while also dealing with the stress of the divorce and being on an elite soccer team (which he loved). He felt he was letting his parents down, especially his dad, and this made him edgy and irritable. With this feedback, parents were able to move away from their inaccurate assumptions, reframe their understanding of their son’s behaviors and, as co-parents, take appropriate steps to help reduce his stress.
On lists of life stressors, divorce is usually ranked among the top two or three most emotionally challenging events. The process itself is experienced as highly stressful by many people, and from what we know about recovery from profound loss, it takes at least a year to begin to regain equilibrium. In other words, the stress caused by a divorce does not usually just go away when the decree is signed. Especially in situations in which there has been a high level of tension and acrimony during the divorce process, it can be very difficult to shift from conflict mode to co-parenting mode if there are children in the family.
New sources of stress can arise post-decree, e.g. introducing children to new significant others, a parent’s decision to move, loss of a job, children struggling to adapt to the new normal. It is normal for these kinds of change to create uncertainty and distress.
When contemplating a divorce, many people turn to divorce professionals for ideas, advocacy and support. This can lessen feelings of isolation and uncertainty during a time of crisis. However, after the decree has been submitted to the court, people may feel they are on their own to pick themselves up and commence with the rest of their lives.
It has been my experience that specific post-decree support provided by neutral coaches and neutral child specialists can be an invaluable resource for families defining their new normal after a divorce. In the context of voluntary post decree alternative dispute resolution, resources can be shared, support given, and skills developed for effective co-parenting. Parenting and relationship plans can be created (if not completed during the divorce itself) or revised by joint agreement. In the context of voluntary alternative dispute resolution, children can be safely included in this process, e.g. to check in about their adjustment to new schedules and routines. It has been suggested that follow up care like this should be offered to all divorcing couples, though not all may need it.
This is not a replacement for psychotherapy. Individual therapy can enhance personal growth, provide support and help adults and children heal emotionally. Couples therapy specific to the end of marriage can help resolve lingering emotional issues and conflict. Family therapy may be valuable, especially if relationship repair between parents and children is needed. It is also not a replacement for support groups or resources like Daisy Camp. However, post-decree consultation with neutral experts who specialize in helping family members make the healthiest possible adjustment to a divorce can be a focused and powerful kind of support during a challenging time of transition.
Today I met with two very attuned and caring parents who have, after many efforts at repair, made the decision to end their marriage. Topmost on their list of concerns was the impact their divorce might have on their children, specifically that the decision to divorce might result in their children losing hope for the future. I have so much empathy for parents burdened with worry about the painful crisis their divorce might create for their children.
It is important to keep in perspective that it is entirely possible to keep the emotional crisis of divorce from ever becoming a trauma for children. Crises are difficult turning points, but inherent in a crisis is the potential for healing. Traumas inflict deep wounds and can derail healthy development in children. In addition, the effects of trauma will reverberate across generations unless repaired.
Two negative potential consequences of divorce can be especially traumatic for children, especially those who have secure attachments to both parents: 1. that the conflict between their parents never resolves, and children are perpetually kept in the middle of that conflict; and 2. that a parent’s contact with their children is so limited after the divorce that the children feel abandoned (or as one child sadly told me, “I didn’t know I would be divorced too”).
How parents choose to divorce is key. Any process that supports parents’ ability to maintain loving focus on the needs of their children is valuable for many reasons. For the parents themselves, it helps to set the stage for the transition to effective co-parenting. Respectful co-parenting creates the environment in which children can be resilient and thrive.
A child-centered divorce process can also have immediate benefits for children in the following ways: children will likely be more calm and centered when there is a tone of respect rather than acrimony between their parents during the divorce; it benefits children when they can experience predictability and lack of drama during an already uncertain time; children are kept out of the dangerous middle of adult-level discussions and conflict; children feel safer and are soothed when parents begin to co-parent effectively.
Collaborative Practice is one way to create a child-centered divorce process. For more information, please visit the
Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota website.
Having recently become a grandparent for the first time, I am pondering the future with renewed urgency that my granddaughter’s legacy be one of hope and abundance. As she grows, there is no way to prevent the pain of grief and loss, the challenge of change or the regret of unfulfilled expectations, as major and minor crises are a normal part of our complicated human lives. But I want her to always know she is safe and loved, especially by her parents, as these are the building blocks of her resilience.
Almost always, children experience divorce or breakup as a crisis, a challenging change, a loss. However, as I tell the parents with whom I work, it is possible to keep this crisis from ever becoming a trauma. It is possible to separate or get unmarried in such a way that your children will continue to feel safe and loved by both parents. Selecting a process that enables a divorcing couple to make the transition to effective co-parenting is an investment in their children’s future.
As with other important investments, there is a need to balance potential gain with possible risk. In terms of impact on children, an adversarial divorce has minimum gain and maximum risk. A shorthand equation may be, the greater the court involvement, the greater the risk. In contrast, a process that focuses on respectful problem solving, and eliminates the need for court involvement, such as mediation or
Collaborative Practice, has lower risk and potential maximum gain for children. Choosing the right professionals to guide you through the best process for your family can pay huge dividends in your children’s future.
A core value of
Collaborative Team Practice is keeping children at the center and out of the middle. But what does this mean? Why this is distinction important? It is because divorcing parents are writing the life story their children will tell.
Mindfully
keeping children at the center helps focus decision-making during and after a divorce on the best interests of the children. It encourages parents and the professionals assisting them to consider children’s developmental needs and temperaments to create customized parenting time schedules, relationship plans and financial plans. Bringing children’s voices into the process means the perspectives of all family members are honored. Parents who keep children at the center are doing the important work of becoming effective co-parents and communicators. Their children do not experience parents arguing or criticizing each other. They do not have to worry about taking sides or being disloyal to one parent by continuing to love the other. Children at the center are given empathy, support and patience as they grieve the loss of their familiar family structure, but are also reminded that though parents are unmarried, the family is still a family. Children at the center can have hope for the future, with rewarding relationships with both parents strengthening their resilience.
What is the experience of children in the middle? Unfortunately, these children are regularly exposed to their parents’ active conflict. They may frequently hear parents badmouthing each other or calling each other names. Children in the middle have often been told adult-level details about their parents’ marriage and their divorce. They may be actively encouraged by one or both parents to blame or take sides against the other parent. Parents who are not focusing on their children’s needs may be more likely to become emotionally disconnected from them or even to move away. Children in the middle are children in distress.
Children at the center are given support to feel emotionally safe. They do not have to grow up with the anxiety of worrying about whether both parents can be invited to the same life event without creating undue stress and conflict. In contrast, children in the middle often experience the crisis of a divorce as a trauma, and the negative impact reverberates throughout their lives. Children in the middle have a much more difficult time with trust and fear of abandonment as adults.
Collaborative Team Practice offers potential sources of emotional support to all family members during and after a divorce.
Neutral child specialists offer a child-inclusive process to help parents create and implement developmentally responsive parenting plans. Neutral coaches help parents create a relational plan to support their co-parenting and manage current and future conflicts. Both the parenting plan and the relationship plan are designed to keep children at the center, and have their life stories about the divorce end peacefully.
In the past few months, I have seen a number of people in my social network share this
letter. It is a wonderfully written letter from an ex-Wife to her husband’s new girlfriend. Instead of the expected angry, hurtful, stay-away-from-my-children many people would have expected, the letter is filled with caring love for another human being and a potential influencer in her children’s lives. It is welcoming and tries to explain many of the nuances of the new family structures that arise out of divorce. Indeed, they take all shapes and sizes.
This letter has been shared tens of thousands of times, because to the general public, it is unique. It is not what they expect to emerge out of divorce – it is not what society seems to expect of couples deciding to end a marriage. Truthfully, however, I see this kind of result all the time.
As a
collaborative divorce specialist, I loved this letter. It brought tears to my eyes as a real example of kindness and compassion in action. It is what I strive for every day when I work with families transitioning through divorce.
We ground the collaborative process in mutual shared goals. If there are kids involved, both parents always want outcomes that protect the children. Regardless of what behavior, emotions or acts have led parents to a divorce, I know parents want to maintain strong relationships with their children and want their children to thrive in a post-divorce world. Many parents would even acknowledge the important role the other parent plays in raising the children. These goals are not unique – I see them all the time. And, when parents commit to an out of court, non-adversarial process, like collaborative law, the professionals in the process are as committed to these goals as the clients.
I believe this letter demonstrates how important a positive co-parenting relationship is for children of divorce. That relationship lasts the rest of your life – figure out how to make it work. You do not need to be friends or call each other to talk about your day at work, but a respectful communication style to discuss your children will hugely benefit everyone. Having a strategy to embrace and face the changes that come after divorce is important as well. Statistically, both parents are likely to start new relationships – address these changes with healthy communication or seek outside support to learn how.
Collaborative law is a divorce option that addresses many of the long-lasting implications of divorce and attempts to prepare families to move into a post-divorce life that allows everyone to thrive.
