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“There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart...pursue those.”~Michael NolanWhere can I hire an attorney with heart? I get that question all the time.  Okay, so not exactly that question, but isn’t that what we mean?  We ask for a “good” attorney or a “reasonably priced” attorney or one “who cares and will listen to me.” In Collaborative Team Practice, attorneys work with other professionals who have training and experience in the non-legal areas of divorce.  Those other professionals help the clients with the financial information, the child/parenting issues, and the emotional rollercoaster of the process, while the attorneys focus specifically on the legal aspects. Why would an attorney want to work in Team Practice? In the traditional model they do it all.  They set up the spreadsheets and explain financial options, help their clients come up with a parenting time schedule and referee the arguments and emotions.  All of that takes a lot of hours, and to be perfectly honest, that turns into a lot of billable hours. Attorneys who limit their work to the legal aspects of the divorce have less billable time. They work side by side with experts who specialize in the other essential areas of divorce.  Since they are only doing one piece of the work they get just one piece of the billable hours. So, again, why do they do it? Team practice attorneys are members of the broader community of attorneys out there who are motivated by putting their clients’ interests first.  I know from professional experience that they understand how difficult divorce is and want to be of service.  They want their clients to get the full support a team can provide.  Contrary to all of the humor about lawyers, there is an abundance of really good, caring attorneys. Team Practice Collaborative Attorneys absolutely have heart.
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MoneyI read an interesting article in the Star Tribune this week, “Till Debt Do Us Part,” about the challenges faced by newlyweds with student loan debt, particularly when one partner has more debt that the other. This got me thinking about the strong connection between money and divorce. Money issues are the number one reason clients give me for the failure of their relationships. Debt is usually a contributing factor. In my career as a collaborative divorce attorney, clients have shared their very personal stories with me. Sometimes the story-telling is tearful and filled with regret. Other times it is angry and filled with resentment. Tension over finances can evoke negative emotions and poison otherwise loving relationships. In some cases, money issues are caused by factors outside of anyone’s control, such as job loss, a tough economy, or illness. The resulting instability can be temporary or long-term and affects the entire family. In my experience, however, disagreements about money arise when parties come into marriage with different attitudes and feelings about money. These differences gradually reveal themselves over time, eventually affecting other aspects of the relationship. Even marriages of caring, committed spouses are at risk. So how can divorce over money be avoided? Awareness is the first step. Each of us grew up in a family with its unique money culture. Whether we realize it or not, our ideas and values have been influenced by our childhood experiences. Many parents are reluctant to talk openly with their children about money, leaving the children to unknowingly form their own set of beliefs. Failure to recognize these hidden internal attitudes and assumptions in ourselves and others leads to misunderstanding and blame. The good news is that open discussion of money matters can help couples identify their differences and protect their relationships.  Key questions include:
  • How will we manage our day-to-day finances?
  • How much should we be spending vs. saving?
  • Which budget items constitute “needs” vs. “wants”?
  • Will all of our money be considered joint or will we each have our separate funds?
  • How does each of us define “financial security”?
  • What are our retirement goals?
These same questions are critical to couples who have decided to divorce. In the collaborative divorce process, a team of collaborative professionals encourages the couple to look closely at their finances as they establish separate households.  Rather than make assumptions, both spouses are asked to describe their goals. The settlement discussions that follow help to produce a settlement plan that achieves as many of their goals as possible. To find out more about the collaborative divorce process, visit www.collaborativelaw.org.
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A New LIfeI would not wish divorce on any married couple.   It is a painful process and results in permanent loss.  But I also do not like to see people suffer through unhappy marriages.   Naturally, the best solution is to seek to improve the marriage so that both husband and wife can be happy.  However, there are times when that is simply not possible.  And for those people, their best option may be a “Happy Divorce”. I realize that “Happy Divorce” is a misnomer. No divorce is truly “Happy”.  However, in my thirty years of working with divorcing families, I have known many people who are much happier after the divorce than they were in the marriage.  I have also known hundreds of couples who treat each other with more respect after the divorce than they did during the marriage. The ability to get through a divorce in a respectful manner can be an achievement of immeasurable worth; particularly if there are children of the marriage.  No child wants to live in an unhappy home or, worse yet, two unhappy homes. In our culture, we have come to expect that divorce will bring out the worst in people.   But I have also seen couples who, although they are facing  one of the most difficult times of their lives; have found a way to bring their best selves forward, often for the sake of their children. Divorce is an end; but it is also a beginning.  Many couples even greet divorce as an opportunity to improve their life skills.   In some occasions, these couples, when faced with divorce, find ways to communicate more effectively; work to improve their parenting skills through a neutral parenting specialists; and even find ways to better their financial capacities through the help of a neutral financial expert.   While there are many ways to achieve these goals, one method that is rapidly growing in popularity is called Collaborative Divorce, where couples work with a team of professionals (lawyers, mental health professionals and financial experts) to help them improve their lives after divorce in significant measurable ways.  To learn more about this option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org  or www.divorcechoice.com.
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ID-10018139In my Collaborative Divorce practice, I frequently talk to clients about identifying their “interests” in the divorce.  This is a difficult concept to understand, but is the key to reaching a resolution in a divorce that meets the needs of all family members. “Interests” are in contrast to “positions” in the divorce.  An interest is the motivation or value behind a particular position.  An interest is frequently inspirational and may be far broader than a position.  A position is a particular outcome.  The difference between an interest and a position is frequently illustrated by the following story. Two children were arguing over who would have the last orange in the kitchen.  They each took the “position” that the orange should be theirs.  Their argument included angry cries of “You had the last orange!” or “I was here first.”  Unable to resolve the dispute without resorting to blows, they brought the issue to their mother.  The obvious solution is for Mom to slice the orange in half and give each child one-half of the orange.  Seems like a good outcome, doesn’t it?  But at this suggestion the children were even unhappier.  So, instead, she asked each child what he or she wanted to do with the orange.  The first child replied, “I want to bake a cake.  I need the zest of the orange to add to the batter.”  The second child said, “I want to make orange juice.”  He needed the juice and the pulp of the orange.  Obviously, by understanding the underlying interests of each child, it was determined that both children could get what they wanted—the rind for a cake and the juice for orange juice. In collaborative divorce, this is called a win-win outcome.  Win-win outcomes are possible when interests are identified and the interests of all parties are met.
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The pending birth of Kim Kardashian’s first child is creating substantial media buzz.  The marriage of Kim to Kris Humphries was a well publicized television event, which ended in separation days later and is now being ended by a California court.   In the meantime, Kim has reputedly become pregnant by music star Kanye West., and will most likely give birth before her marriage to Kris is ended. Kim might be surprised to learn that most states in the US (including California) have adopted the Uniform Parentage Act, and could presume her baby is a child of her marriage to Kris Humphries. Under that law, children conceived during marriage and born within 300 days of a divorce can legally be presumed to be children of the husband.  Kanye could agree to submit to blood tests to prove his paternity of the child, but even then the baby could simply have two presumed fathers – not one — and the court would need to conclude which presumption prevails. Kim and Kris could have avoided this public and legal mess by agreeing to resolve their differences privately through Collaborative Divorce.   Collaborative Divorce is a completely private way to resolve family law disputes, through the use of inter-disciplinary professionals such as financial analysts, mental health professionals, and attorneys.   It is designed to contain the cost and length of legal proceedings, and to help couples create their own solutions – the smartest possible solutions – with the help of their Collaborative Team.  Good luck to Kim, Kris and Kanye!  Their dispute may languish in the court system for many months to come.
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T. Boone Pickens Photo Creative Commons Licensed, Author: David Shankbone Texas millionaire T. Boone Pickens found a way to save “several millions” on his divorce.    His discovery could save you something just as valuable. When T. Boone Pickens recently filed for his fourth divorce, he decided to try something different.  Rather than proceed with a traditional divorce, as he had on the previous three occasions, he decided on a Collaborative Divorce,  a process he claims saved him “ several millions”. In an interview with the Dallas Business Journal, Mr. Pickens said that said that “Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating.” In fact, Mr. Pickens was so grateful for the Collaborative process that he has recently donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas. If you are facing divorce, this may not mean much to you since you probably are not in a position to save (or lose)  millions.  However, you may find that you can save something even more valuable.  Mr. Pickens was impressed that the Collaborative Process not only helps clients save money but saves on the “emotional wear and tear on families.”   For most families who face divorce,  this is the more crucial issue.  Collaborative Divorce is a method where attorneys and other professionals work with divorcing family for settlement purposes only and resolve issues out of court. I have represented hundreds of families  through the Collaborative Divorce process and while none of these families saved millions of dollars, many of them are just as elated because of what it saved on the emotional wear and tear on their families .  Most parents would agree that while a divorce process that saves us money can be worth millions, a process that spares the emotional wear and tear on our families can be priceless. To learn more about the Collaborative Process, go to www.Collaborativelaw.org.  
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Water liliesMost of us are familiar with the concept of holistic medicine. The importance and interdependence of body, mind and spirit in our overall health is becoming accepted in the world of healing. Less well known, however, is the Collaborative divorce process, which utilizes a holistic approach to help struggling families heal. Collaborative practice uses a team of experts who work with the parents and their children to achieve deeper resolution. Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not just a legal event. As countless couples in the throes of separation can attest, accusations about the past and fears about the future can make constructive conversation impossible. Frustration sets in and one or both parties “lawyer up.” So begins the all-too-often lengthy, unpleasant and expensive process of litigation, during which parents are often discouraged from communicating with one another. Fortunately, another option exists. In Collaborative divorce, both parties have Collaboratively-trained attorneys providing guidance throughout the process. In addition, they jointly use a team of neutral professionals to address their communication, financial, parenting and emotional issues. A series of meetings takes place in which these interdependent issues are discussed and resolved without court involvement. In this way, divorcing parties maintain more control over both the process and the outcome. Integrative medicine uses a team of specialists who communicate with one another to achieve optimum health for the patient. The Collaborative divorce process parallels this model by bringing together a team of divorce experts. This more humane method of dispute resolution can facilitate healing and result in a healthier post-divorce family.
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As a divorce attorney, I often ask myself   “What is this dispute really about?”  This is also a good question for each person going through a divorce. In an early case I had before I started practicing collaborative divorce,  an ex-wife sued my client after the divorce was final.  Her motion  said that he had wrongfully taken the Tupperware and her maternity clothing and she wanted those items.  We actually had a court hearing on this and her ex-husband had to get on the witness stand and testify.  He testified that  he did not have the Tupperware and he did not have and had no use for her maternity clothes. That brought out a chuckle from those in the courtroom and the judge stifled a grin.  The motion was denied and I felt like we “won.” Looking back, I now realize that the divorce did not resolve some underlying issues which caused the dispute to keep on going.   In a traditional divorce, the legal issues control the outcome in court and the emotional issues determine how long and how costly the dispute is. In a collaborative divorce, both the emotional and legal issues are acknowledged and addressed.  The process we use focuses on the interests the parties have – and in my experience most of those interests are shared by both.  If there are differences, those are discussed.  The basic facts needed  are incomes, values of assets, debt balances –which can easily be verified by documents.   Those assets that are harder to value such as homes, businesses – can be valued by a neutral expert agreed to by both The emotions of anger and perceived wrongs of the past can impede progress in reaching a final agreement.  In a collaborative divorce, a neutral coach who is a mental health professional working with the couple, helps them work through those impediments to  a settlement. If you are going through a divorce, you want to avoid arguing about the Tupperware and get some help to focus on what your real interests are and how you can reach an agreement.
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If you are going through or thinking about starting a Collaborative Divorce, you might wonder why you need a Child Specialist.  After all, if you and your spouse agree on custody and parenting time (previously called “visitation”), why spend money on a Child Specialist?  As a Collaborative Attorney and Mediator, I enjoy helping parents with the parenting piece; however, I am not an expert in child development, and I don’t meet with the children.  Furthermore, I don’t want parents to come up with just any old plan – my wish for them is to succeed in their post-divorce co-parenting relationship and raise happy, healthy kids. A Child Specialist helps you and your spouse create not only the day-to-day and holiday/vacation schedule, but helps you identify your goals and values as parents, so you can create a custom-made plan specifically addressing the unique needs of your children.  As parents in a fast-paced world, we need to determine the appropriate age for our kids to have a cell phone.  We need to think about how much screen time per day is healthy.  Is texting at the dinner table OK (not!)?  These are issues parents need to deal with at some point, but parents residing separately really need to be on the same page.  Child Specialists can assist with these decisions.  Clients often tell me how glad they are they hired a Child Specialist, because they are more in-tune with their children, and are therefore, better parents. Child Specialists are valuable members of the Collaborative Team and are wonderful resources for parents.  Believe me, I know this personally because I consult with them when I have questions about my own kiddo!  Although you know your children the best (their funny little quirks, favorite color, best friend’s name, and so forth) Child Specialists know what makes children tick from a developmental perspective; thus, they are treasure troves of information.  Why not tap into that?  Think of it this way: would you rather spend the money on an expert who can guide you now to the land of great co-parenting or spend two, maybe three times or more on therapy for your kids later, because you and your spouse did the bare minimum to just get through the divorce (understandable – it’s a painful ordeal).  Consistency in parenting, as well as respecting and understanding your different parenting styles and personalities, can be the difference between a “so-so” parenting plan and a “so-good” parenting plan.  It’s easy to spend time and money on gadgets, toys, clothes, and activities for kids, so consider taking the time and money to invest in utilizing a Child Specialist to craft a parenting plan that will help you and your spouse co-parent effectively post-divorce.  I bet you’ll be glad you did!
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In my collaborative legal practice, I consistently witness the power of communication in conflict resolution. A recent story illustrates this power. My father recently settled into his lawn chair in the backyard of his beautiful Southern California home when he heard a strange noise. As the noise was conspicuously and continuously coming from his neighbor’s yard, he peeked over the fence. He was surprised to find a dozen or so chickens running freely around the yard – clucking and pecking up a storm. They were destroying the yard and making a noise that over the next few days became a great nuisance. He first researched the “urban chicken” phenomenon and then reached out to animal control to learn the neighbor needed to have a permit. He informed me that he was going to report his neighbor to the county, which would likely result in a fine and perhaps an end to the noise. I suggested my father talk to his neighbor first. Begrudgingly, he did so and learned that the woman who lived next door had an adult son who recently suffered a traumatic brain injury. Due to his injury, he has fixated on certain activities for short periods of time. She has tried to allow her son these activities and is working with a physician to do so in a therapeutic way. The chickens are one of these activities. She expected the chickens to be gone within a month and offered my father fresh eggs as consolation for his troubles. He was not only sympathetic to her challenges, the noise seemed to subside after that conversation, and my father thoroughly enjoyed the eggs. The simple act of communicating resolved this conflict. A collaborative divorce provides a safe and effective way to communicate in order to find resolutions. While emotions often get in the way of open and honest communication, the collaborative process supports keeping the communication lines open. It allows clients to “reach across the table” (just as my father “reached across the fence”) and learn more in an effort find resolution. If there are children in a case, the parents need to have open lines of communication as co-parents. The collaborative process is the best process out there to use communication effectively, practice those skills and, with the help of collaborative professionals, even improve communication skills for the future.