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Rainbow roadIn my family law practice, I have seen well over 1,000 people divorce. Without a doubt, divorce is a difficult and painful process. However, I have been deeply enriched as a family law attorney by working with many spouses who have used this difficult process to set themselves on a new life path. Frequently a spouse will first enter my office full of emotion and fear. How will the children fare? Will there be sufficient money to pay the necessary expenses? For stay – at -home spouses who must now begin working, can they succeed in the work place? Can they even find meaningful work that will pay a decent wage? Often I work most closely with such spouses in the collaborative law process. We start from the ground and work our way up. What do they know about their finances? What is the family budget? What is their earning ability? How does earning a living intersect with raising children? Can one do both and if so how? Often with the assistance of a financial professional, we build budgets, spread sheets and cash flow analysis. Those who have little interest in finances or previous experience with finances begin to get their sea legs under them as to what their financial situation is, will be after the divorce and what they can do for themselves to maximize their well-being following the divorce. Spouses also learn that they do not need to continue with the same troublesome patterns of relating to their spouse, particularly regarding children. Instead, time is spent focusing on constructive, but firm communications. The intent is for a spouse again to develop confidence that she or he can hold his or her own following the divorce, in a health and constructive way. I have seen countless times, a spouse who first came to my office small and scared, leave the marriage with strength and confidence, and even excitement about starting the next leg of their amazing life journey.
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I remember about 9 years ago when I needed to make a big life changing decision.  I knew I needed to decide whether or not to leave my safe, predictable law position or go and start my own firm, practicing in a way that felt aligned with my values.  But there were so many uncertainties about making the change.  So I maintained the status quo longer than planned because I needed to get to the place of being ready to take that next step.  And sometimes circumstances push us to a place of being ready before we were planning on it. This is what happens when people divorce.  Usually, one spouse has been contemplating the idea longer than the other and when they make the decision to move forward with divorce, their spouse is not at the same place of readiness.  And when people decide to get a divorce, wanting it over sooner rather than later is what many people want.  But paying attention to where your partner is in readiness, can make all the difference between a good divorce and a bad divorce.  This is something you have influence over.  Giving your spouse a chance to “catch up” and come to terms with the end of the relationship means they will be able to move forward with less resentment, anger and sadness.  And those emotions in a divorce do not make for smooth sailing for you or your children.  If you want a peaceful divorce, readiness is your first opportunity to begin that process. There are things that you can do to move things forward that you can discuss with your attorney, while your soon-to-be ex catches up, like researching your divorce process options (i.e., Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, etc.), gathering necessary documents, working with a therapist, or exploring separating.  But to push them into a process before they are ready, can end up being a disastrous decision.  Giving them time, can be the best thing you do for yourself and your family as a whole.  This is the difference between being penny-wise and pound-foolish and having a no-court divorce. If I had been forced to start my practice before I was ready, I might have chosen to do a different area of law; not found my great office space; and possibly made unwise financial decisions, rather than practicing Collaborative Family Law (something that I truly enjoy doing) in an office that feels safe and comfortable to my clients.  Being ready made all the difference for me.
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Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net When it comes to co-parenting after divorce, the best parenting plan is the one you never have to use. Creating the parenting plan is perhaps the most important part of your collaborative divorce process. But if you put the time and energy into creating a complete plan, you will lay the foundation for good communication and have the flexibility to work with your former spouse as your children’s needs change in the future. The habits of good co-parenting will be ingrained and will be second nature. Minnesota law permits parents to avoid the labels of legal and physical custody if they have a parenting plan that spells out the important aspects of parenting. In collaborative divorce, parents frequently choose to use a child specialist who can help them develop a thoughtful parenting plan that is tailored to their family. Parenting plans typically include:
  • the schedule of how the children will divide their time between the parents;
  • how the parents will communicate about their children;
  • how the parents will make important decisions related to their children, such as schools, activities, and religion;
  • how the parents will handle child care and medical care;
  • how the parents will handle contact with the extended family;
  • how the parents will introduce the children to new partners.
When you invest in having the discussions necessary to reach agreement on these topics, you create a comprehensive written plan.  But what’s even more valuable, you have experienced communicating as co-parents —  working through disagreements, reaching an understanding about how to approach the ever-changing future landscape of parenting.  The more you practice these skills, the better you become. As your children grow up, you will have the solid foundation of communication and the flexibility to adapt to your children’s changing needs.  You won’t need to pull out the document to look up how you are going to handle co-parenting.
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You catch more flies with honey than with vinegarPeople that face divorce often describe feeling caught between two powerful motivators.  On the one hand, they often feel they will need to “play hardball” in order to make sure they get the settlement they deserve. On the other hand, they know that an acrimonious divorce could damage their children, their integrity and their financial stability. What most people do not know is that you do not need to choose between a peaceful solution and getting a better outcome.   In fact, you can actually protect yourself more effectively through well planned civil negotiating methods.   Hiring an attorney to play hardball in divorce court almost always backfires in divorce court. More than 95% of all divorce cases end in a settlement rather than a trial.   Therefore, it is most effective to think of the divorce process as a exercise in getting your spouse to “say yes” to your most important goals. It is important to think about the technique that is most likely to get your spouse to “say yes” to the things that matter the most to you.  Playing “hardball” is generally a strategy of having your attorney make aggressive arguments.  While that might, on the surface, seem like what you want your attorney to do, is this really likely to work?  How often have you seen arguments cause your spouse to change his or her mind?  Arguments and aggressive tactics in divorce court,  like most arguments in the kitchen, generally just lead to more arguments and aggression. There is an old saying that “you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”, which, of course means that you get better agreements through smart civil tactics.  This saying is even more true in the divorce world where aggressive “vinegar” arguments are nearly certain to create an emotional response that will simply lead to more arguments. Does being civil during divorce mean that you simply need to give in to everything your spouse wants?  To the contrary; civility does not mean weakness and, in divorce, you can seek advocacy without stirring up acrimony.  One way that is growing rapidly around the world, is a method called Collaborative Practice where you and your spouse hire attorneys and other professionals who focus on settlement only and who help both spouses find better outcomes.  This gives you the opportunity to have someone “advocate” for you in a way that is far more likely to protect your interests.
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ListeningAs a neutral child specialist, I value the opportunity to learn from the children with whom I work, all of whom have parents who are ending or have ended their marriage or partnership.  Parents add a neutral child specialist to their Collaborative team because they see the benefit of children having a voice and getting the support of a mental health professional during a very difficult time in their lives. I will never forget the very wise voice of a little girl who told me, “Deb, I’m not gonna tell my friends that my parents are getting divorced—that sounds too jaggedy.  I’m gonna tell them my parents are getting unmarried, because that means the same thing.”  How simple and how brilliant! It is true that our neural nets for the word “divorce”  include a lot of jagged associations that sound painful and scary to parents, and even more so to their children.  The term “unmarried” helps create a new and more hopeful neural net of associations during and after a divorce or break up. How different to a child’s ear to hear that her family is changing how it works rather than her family is broken?  To understand that parents will co-parent rather than have joint custody?   To believe that children will be kept at the center and not in the middle?   Listening to children’s voices helps keep a crisis in their lives from ever becoming a trauma—and that is priceless.