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August 1, 2016

While researching for this post, I came across a number of divorce-related blogs. The blog medium provides an efficient and concise opportunity to share information and educate the public. This blog focuses on the collaborative process — where clients commit to an out-of-court, non–adversarial process. Here are some other blogs that may provide additional information as you navigate the divorce process:

Jeff Landers writes in Forbes Magazine about complex financial issues that women face in divorce. He is a Certified Divorce Financial Planner who has extensive experience with high asset divorces. His blog is informative and financially savvy.
Divorced Girl Smiling is a personal blog written by a woman during – and now after her divorce. It is a personal account of her experience, as well as a gathering of resources for others who may be going through the same thing. The archived blogs provide a great path through the litigation process, and provides some insight into why a non-adversarial approach may be better.

However you choose to get advice, being armed with information and prepared for the process can help you feel confident and ready for the transitions that come with divorce. There is a lot of information available online, if you know where to find it.

July 19, 2016

You may remember the “Death and Dignity Act” which was brought to light in the fall of 2014 by the young advocate with terminal brain cancer, Britney Maynard. Britney was a beautiful, well educated, 29 year old, who moved to a different state so that when the time came she could legally decide when to end her life, so that she could leave this world with her dignity intact. Dignity is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “a way of appearing or behaving that suggests self-respect and self-control.” No, divorce is not a death sentence. What is important, however, is divorcing with dignity. A divorce brings out a range of emotions which will seem to take over your life. It is possibly to divorce respectfully, you’ll find a gamut of blogs here regarding divorcing collaboratively, but keeping your dignity intact throughout a divorce, especially with an uncooperative spouse can prove to be difficult. Here are our top three tips for divorcing with dignity:

Focus on YOU. Especially in a divorce with children involved, YOU may be the last person on your mind. Whether that means you forget to eat, have no energy to cook dinner so you find yourself going through the drive through 5 days a week, or maybe you find yourself turning to alcohol for a stress release; retaining your health will help you to maintain your dignity during your divorce. Even if you’ve never ate healthy or worked out, now is the perfect time to start. Put down that glass of wine or bowl of ice cream, and go for a walk, starting is the hardest part. Give yourself the gift of extra confidence and energy during this difficult time, you will be thankful that you did.

Work with the hand you’ve been dealt. The old “turn lemons into lemonade” theory. We posted a great quote on our Facebook page a few weeks ago that really resonated with people, “When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.” Stop focusing on what could have/should have happened, and start focusing on what IS happening. Focus on HOW you are handling the situation. Understand that this is new territory for yourself, and don’t be afraid to find a mentor or even a therapist to help guide you through this uncharted territory.

Remembering your ex is human, and so are you. It’s easy to forget the details along the way that led to your divorce, especially if there was a major “final straw” that ended it. Marriages are hard work, and often times neither party is giving 100%. For you to maintain your dignity, you must accept that you are just as human as the next person, your ex included. Sometimes having to forgive someone who may not deserve forgiveness is vital to maintain your own dignity.

July 18, 2016

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Nearly every celebrity seems to have a divorce under their belt, but what about our local public figures – our children’s teachers, our mayors, city councilmen – how does the pubic feel about “those” public figures when they are facing divorce? About midway through the year I had noticed my daughter’s teacher’s name on Facebook (we have mutual friends) going from FIRST MARRIED to FIRST MARRIED MAIDEN, and I thought a divorce must be imminent. Admittedly my first thought was how a divorce might affect her teaching abilities for MY child. Selfish? Perhaps. Or are those type of reactions expected with public careers? Her private life is certainly none of my business, but is it easy to check your feelings at the door? Certainly not. The University of Minnesota is currently doing a study on the impact of divorce on a person’s career. Those results will be interesting to see, especially as there are careers can have a big impact on the public sector. Some may say that their divorce was the best thing that ever happened to their career. Perhaps work was a necessary distraction as their marriage crumbled at home. But on the other hand some people admit that they simply could not focus at work with their marriage on the rocks. Sometimes people can attribute their careers to actually being the CAUSE of their divorce. A husband that travels all week, a wife who tends bar on the weekends, a stay at home parent who never gets a break, and more often than not, simply the demands and stress of a person’s career can tear apart a marriage. Some careers are statistically at a higher risk for divorce, almost as if divorce is beyond their control. A few months later as school was coming to a close I noticed my daughter’s teachers name on social media is now: FIRST MAIDEN. Admittedly, my feelings changed from worrying about the affect her divorce would have on my own daughter to feeling horribly sympathetic towards her and her own children. As I leaned more I realized her husband holds a local political office and I began to wonder about the effects the divorce may have on his political career. It’s important to remember that everyone is human, divorce does not define a person, and even if you feel like your divorce is in the spotlight, remember that this too shall pass. Please share your thoughts about public divorces in the comment section below.

July 14, 2016

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My two year old daughter received Legos for Christmas. They were the bigger bricks, which are perfect for her chubby, dimpled hands, and pink and purple “princess” Legos that could be made into, what else? Castles! She really wasn’t interested in the figurines that were included, but she WAS interested in creating a “super tall building.” I loved watching her build various creations. I’m pretty sure Lego didn’t make “girl” kits when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. My little brother had Legos, and I just shrugged them off as toys for boys. I was into…dare I say…Barbie. And all things that sparkle. I would, most certainly, have played with pink and purple Legos, though. After all, I liked putting things together. When my “boombox” stopped working, I took it apart and put it back together (and yes, I even fixed it!). Would I have become an engineer instead of a lawyer if Lego had made purple bricks? Nope. But if Lego had created a kit of pastel bricks, Legos might have outsold Superstar Barbie! Did girls miss out on something by not playing with Legos? Maybe not. But what IS it about princesses? Dressed in her sparkly tutu, my daughter plays just as much, if not more, with trucks and transformers as she does her dolls. Is it because she has an older brother? Does she find transformers more interesting than her dolls? My five year old son is all boy (rough and tumble, loves trucks and ninja turtles, slides into “home plate” – which is the northwest corner of the family room – so much he wears holes in his jeans) so I was pleasantly surprised when he picked up his sister’s doll and stroller and zoomed around the house. “Great,” I thought, “maybe he’ll play dolls with his little sister.” Uh…no. He took the doll and stroller to annoy his younger sibling. Nevertheless, watching my daughter with those pink and purple Legos certainly made me think about how items are “sold” or “packaged.” Do we really buy “things” or are we buying an “experience?” It depends. I think in many cases, we are paying for an experience, even when we buy products. (For instance, why do I need to have an aromatherapy experience grocery shopping? I’m there to buy groceries to feed my family. If I want such an “experience” I’ll go to a spa.) Nonetheless, the way products and experiences are packaged can make all the difference in the way we feel. But with legal services, you are buying a product (the divorce agreement/documents) as well as the experience. When you are interviewing attorneys, be aware of what they are selling you and how they are selling it. Does the attorney you are meeting with base his or her expertise on all the cases “won.” Chances are, that attorney is talking more about him or herself and isn’t doing much listening to you. This is a divorce, people. A change in significant relationships within a family. Nobody wins in a divorce, so please don’t fall for that “package.” This process is all about getting to a new normal, and if you have young children, parenting them well. So, the attorneys and team you are interviewing should be all about helping you get to that new normal. That, in my opinion, is how divorce should be “packaged.”

July 12, 2016

After dinner one evening, my two-year-old was playing with her brother’s indominus rex (she likes dinosaurs). She climbed up to her bathroom sink, grabbed her toothbrush, climbed down, plopped herself down on the floor, and…much to my dismay…brushed the dino’s teeth. Of course, she was NOT happy when I interrupted her for a diaper change. “No. Not today,” she said, shaking her head at me. I told her we absolutely needed to change her diaper…now. “No! Not NOW,” she said and glared at me. As I tried to wrestle indominus out of her hands, she wriggled back and forth and, yes, threw a tantrum (she’s INCREDIBLY strong!). In typical mother-knows-best voice (and using her first, middle, and last names) I said, “We need to change your diaper NOW, so your bottom doesn’t get sore!” “NOOOOOOO!!!” she shrieked, “I WANT TO BWUSH DA DINOSAUR’S TEEF! RIGHT NOWWWWWW!” Her face was red and scrunched up. Oh boy. I paused, took a deep breath, and I said as calmly yet cheerfully as I could, “I can see that you really, REALLY want to brush the dinosaur’s teeth.” Pause. “You REALLLLLLY want to brush that dino’s teeth.” Another pause. She stopped wriggling, her face softened, and she looked at me. In a quieter voice I said, “I know you want to brush his teeth. So let’s change your diaper so you can keep brushing the dino’s teeth.” Pause. “O.K., Mama,” she said, as she got up and reached for my hand. We walked into her room to change her diaper. Although she is just a tot, my daughter, like everyone, wants to feel heard. She and I had competing interests: she needed her diaper changed (my task/interest), and she wanted to play (her task/interest). The diaper change needed to come first. And it did, once she felt like I heard and understood her. People going through a divorce need to be heard, too. It’s easy to get into power struggles and the he said, she said “stuff.” Go ahead and say it. And then be ready to listen to your spouse say it. Really try to hear what your spouse is saying. Then, understand. You don’t have to agree, but to resolve the issues in your divorce, you both need to hear and understand each other.

“Seek first to understand, and then be understood.” – Stephen Covey

June 30, 2016

As a collaborative attorney, I am often asked “what would a court do?” Although parties in a collaborative divorce are not asking the court to make decisions in their case, what the law is and how a court may view an issue is important. It is part of the information that a client needs to understand to truly make a decision in their own best interest. I recently attended an education series with local judges to gain an understanding of the current state of the law. In the second part of this 2 part series, I outline some of the factors a court may consider in making litigated decisions. On property division and cash flow, here are some of the considerations:

When dividing assets and liabilities, the courts often begin with an accounting and confirmation of all real estate, accounts, retirement assets, investments, stock options, inheritances, gifts, debts, personal property, vehicles, and all other possessions.
The courts have to differentiate between marital property that was created or acquired during the marriage and non-marital property that should stay with one party. Non- marital property may include assets from before marriage, gifts or inheritances, and student loans.
Non-marital property stays with the receiving party. Marital property is divided equitably. This is often interpreted as equally, although there are some exceptions if the outcome is deemed unfair.
Division of property is a separate question from cash flow (child support and spousal maintenance).
Child support in court is often calculated with the guidelines based on percentage of overnights with each parent and incomes. Then medical expenses and extra curricular activities are shared by percentage of income.
Spousal maintenance or alimony is a discretionary area of the law. It is based on the needs of the recipient and the ability of the other spouse to provide support.
Court requires an analysis of budgets and income or potential income of both parties. It can be difficult to address income if a party has not or is not working.
Some of the factors for determining support include: length of the marriage, education and age of the spouses with regard to work ability, work history, parenting needs of children, and reasonableness of expenses.
Because spousal maintenance is one of the most discretionary areas of family law, it is difficult to find consistent outcomes in the court as every case is decided based on the individual facts (and judge).

A collaborative process is a different paradigm but clients have the same legal rights as parties in court. Know what the law is and what a court may do and then make well informed decisions. A good collaborative attorney can help in this journey.

June 9, 2016

As a collaborative attorney, I am often asked “what would a court do?” Although parties in a collaborative divorce are not asking the court to make decisions in their case, what the law is and how a court may view an issue is important. It is part of the information that a client needs to understand to truly make a decision in their own best interest. I recently attended an education series with local judges to gain an understanding of the current state of the law. In this 2 part series, I outline some of the factors a court may consider in making litigated decisions. On parenting and custody, here are some of the considerations:

A court first needs to establish jurisdiction and make sure they are the correct court to make a decision. This can often be a substantial (although non- substantive) part of the process.
The first decision is legal and physical custody. Legal custody is decision making and legal parenting rights. Do you jointly make decisions on medical, education and religion or does one of you have sole rights? Physical custody outlines the parenting time with each parent.
There is a presumption that both parents have a meaningful role in making decisions and regular contact with the children.
All other elements of parenting are based on the best interests of the children. This is an in depth analysis that considers the developmental stage of the children, safety, and common values of the family.
Some particular challenges in custody and parenting can be: domestic abuse, chemical dependency, high conflict, special needs of the child, reunification with an absent parent, and temporary plans with revision.
It is rare for a child to testify in court or be asked for their opinion on parenting.

June 1, 2016

Divorcing couples often think that they will be “done” when the court documents are signed and the divorce is finalized, and that there will be only smooth sailing ahead. But, after the documents are finalized, there is the new normal to navigate, particularly regarding parenting. Co-parenting while no longer cohabiting is a huge adjustment for families in the wake of a divorce. Although co-parents are no longer married or living under the same roof, they are still in the same boat when it comes to raising their children, and so communication and cooperation is more important than ever. After a divorce, co-parents’ attitude towards each other must be “All hands on deck!” instead of “Abandon ship!” or “Hey, you! Walk the plank!” Co-parents who continue to diligently communicate and cooperate in raising their children are much better captains over the course the children’s lives will take. Of course, regardless of the situation, children sometimes try to play parents against each other in hopes of getting what they want. This attempt at mutiny often begins something like this: “Mom/Dad said I could…”, and with no confirmation of the other parent’s consent, Mom/Dad agrees to let the child do x,y, or z. Important information can be distorted or omitted altogether when children are placed in the middle of what should be an adult conversation about what is appropriate for children. This scenario can be avoided through active communication and cooperation between co-parents. Co-parents that work together to divide and conquer life’s challenges after divorce keep their family afloat in the inevitable waves that come with life.

May 26, 2016

When you first consider divorce, there are often many financial questions and concerns. A complete resolution will answer many of these questions, but it is important to have a complete understanding of the financial situation before coming up with resolutions. These questions are designed to help you think through the financial issues and build that foundation from which to negotiate.

What are your assets? This includes all bank and investments accounts, retirement accounts, real estate, debts (including loans, mortgages, credit cards and student loans), vehicles, and personal property.
What are your liabilities? This includes all personal loans, bank loans, mortgages, credit cards and student loans.
Do you have a full understanding of your financial situation? This is necessary for negotiations to happen in good faith.
What are your financial goals? What is most important to you financially moving forward after the divorce.
What is less important? What part of your financial picture are you willing to give up or do you not care as much about?
What are you most scared about financially? This can help your team know where to focus their attention to make the resolutions most comforting.
Do you have an outside financial advisor? It may be helpful to have your outside professionals work with your divorce team to make sure everyone has the same information and you are not receiving conflicting advice.
What is your earning potential moving forward? Your capacity to earn is likely to be an important piece of the divorce finances so it is good to think about it ahead of time.
Do you expect changes to your financial situation? For example, are you expecting an inheritance? Do you have any large expenses coming up?

Think about these questions should prepare you to move forward in the process with the foundation to make good decisions. Using collaborative professionals, both legal and financial, can help you reach resolutions that fully address your financial needs. Learn more at www.collaborativelaw.org.

May 25, 2016

In divorce, there are many things to consider with retirement accounts. Here are 5 important facts/questions to keep in mind when dealing with such accounts during a divorce.

Tax Free Division. In Minnesota, retirement accounts that were created during the marriage are typically treated as marital property and they can be divided. A division of a retirement account can often occur tax-free as long as it is an in-kind division and remains in retirement form for both after division.
Penalties and/or Tax Consequences. If either party chooses to cash out retirement dollars pursuant to a divorce, there may be penalties and/or tax consequences.
Comparing Retirement Assets to Other Assets. When comparing retirement assets to other assets, such as investment accounts or real estate, taxes need to be considered. Because many retirement accounts are pre-tax and will be taxed in the future, the values are not dollor-for-dollar the same as cash.
Comparing Value of Retirement Assets. There are different elements to consider when evaluating the value of a retirement account. The amount in the account is only one aspect. Also consider the tax status of the contributions (before or after-tax dollars) and how accessible the funds are before and during retirement.
Creativity in Retirement Awards. There are ways to divide retirement and cash out the assets to avoid some penalties. For example, a 401k may be divided during a divorce. If the recipient chooses to cash out some or all of the distribution as part of the divorce, they may avoid the 10% early withdrawal penalty, but they will be taxed. Creative resolutions regarding retirement may help parties to meet their goals.

Using a financial neutral during a collaborative divorce can help parties fully understand the financial implications of retirement dollars and come up with unique resolutions.