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175440139In Part I of Getting Unmarried, Money and Divorce, I talked about the two financial pillars of any divorce. The first being the balance sheet that lists every single asset and liability. The second being forward looking cash flow and support needs for children, if any, and both spouses. In this post, I will briefly cover some other financial issues common in many divorces.  These include some discussion of marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. A financial neutral assists with identifying what is marital and what is non-marital property. Marital property of course is that property acquired during the marriage.  Generally, non-marital property is property owned prior to the marriage and brought into the marriage, inherited property, and or property received as a gift. Sometimes this can include a home where the down payment made with non-marital money, a retirement plan when the participant contributed to the plan prior to and during the marriage, or more simply a family heirloom passed down through the generations. Non- marital property generally remains with the receiver of the property and not considered in the allocation of marital property. When there is both marital and non-marital interest in an asset, a financial neutral can help determine the values of both the marital and non-marital interests. The tax implications for child support and spousal maintenance are different. Child support is not taxable income to the payee and is not deductible by the payer. Spousal maintenance on the other hand is taxable income to the payee and is deductible by the payer in most situations. A qualified financial neutral is able to help a couple determine an optimal combination of child support and spousal maintenance in order to provide the greatest amount of after tax income to the family. When a couple or one of the spouses owns a business, it is often helpful to determine the business value. If needed a specially trained neutral business valuation expert is engaged to provide this service. These trained experts employ a variety of valuation methodologies to provide an opinion as to the value of a particular business. Depending upon the complexities of the business the time and cost to complete a business valuation can vary. Debts are another financial area where clients can benefit from the insight of a qualified financial neutral. Facilitating how to allocate debt between two spouses is an important function of the financial neutral. The neutral may suggest the clients consider a number of options available including the potential of reducing or paying off debt with other assets. This can help a couple breathe a little easier when freeing up needed cash flow for living expenses by not continuing to carry current levels of debt. A well-trained neutral financial specialist helps divorcing clients see the big picture pros and cons of making a number of financial moves during settlement discussions. Clients are then able to make informed educated decisions concerning their financial future. The financial neutral is family centered in the collaborative process and makes every effort to assist divorcing clients reach agreements they both can live with. Only in the collaborative divorce process are clients able to achieve this level of client introspection and decision-making. Collaborative divorce is not for everyone. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you or someone you know? Click on this link to learn more and decide for yourself.  www.collaborativelaw.org
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I received a text message the other day from a friend asking if I heard that mutual friends of ours had filed for divorce. I was not surprised to receive this news as it was a long time coming, however, I was surprised that the driving point of the text was how “ugly” the divorce was going to get. With three little girls between the ages of 6 and 12, ugly is the last thing they need. The exchange made me recall an email that we received at Daisy Camp a few months ago. The women had used one of the best divorce attorneys in the Twin Cities and had been out for blood. It look her five years post-divorce to realize that she wanted to “get better, not bitter,” and that the payback that she was seeking in her divorce would never take away the broken heart or help her to heal. 5 years later she realized that no divorce concessions would have justified as payback, but what she was actually seeking was healing. It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the divorce and not realize that the amount of money, division of property, child support, spousal maintenance (alimony), or the amount of child custody time that is “won” won’t mean a thing if it come at the cost of the relationship if your children. Which is why more and more couples are seeking to divorce collaboratively these days. No one wins in divorce, but you have a lot to lose when a divorce gets ugly.
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455422869Recently I received a referral from Kristin, a client I represented in 2011 in her collaborative divorce. In thanking her for the referral, I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing. With her permission, her response is reproduced below. At the time of her divorce, Kristin and her husband had two (2) children ages 10 and 12. Hi Tonda, Nice to hear from you. I will fill you in with some detail for examples of what can lay on the other side of divorce to help you give hope to your clients going through this painful process. Everyone is doing well here; the kids are doing really well splitting their time between our 2 households (4 miles apart). Tom and I have a much better relationship now than when we were getting divorced. We talk several times per week and text, usually daily, mostly regarding kids’ stuff like coordinating activities/homework and just general parenting issues. We also try to meet for coffee sometimes to discuss things more in depth like holidays and vacation planning and kids’ milestones. We see each other at their basketball games, tennis matches, orchestra concerts, etc, even holidays sometimes, and usually sit together with our new spouses. Tom and I both got re-married a couple of months ago and Tom and his wife are expecting a baby in March. I married a pharmacist that I met after the divorce and we got married in Yosemite in August of this year. The four of us get along well and the kids get along well with both our spouses so I have nothing but great things to say about the collaborative process. It really helped us to avoid a lot of un-pleasantries and keep our family together without staying married, which is really great. I hope all is well with you and your practice. I will continue to recommend people look into collaborative divorce as an option. It has been very helpful to us to use the divorce agreement as a structure, but we stay very flexible with rearranging schedules, holidays and vacations etc. We have actually never even had an argument since the divorce. It has helped us build a sense of cooperation and the collaborative process really reinforced putting the kids as the center point for all decisions going forward. One of the things that always stuck in my mind through the whole process was that Tom and I decided that even though we did not have a successful and healthy marriage, we would have a successful and healthy divorce and be successful and healthy parents. Best, Kristin
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494330099As a society, we are inclined to attach shorthand labels to everything from parenting (Tiger Mom, Soccer Mom, Helicopter Parents) to politics (Red States and Blue States, the War on Drugs).  It’s a function of our human brains that we are wired to categorize concepts in order to make sense of the world, but sometimes it feels like we’ve put this tendency on steroids.  Too often people assume a label is sufficient to explain complex social phenomena (Obamacare, the Arab Spring) or to fully define an individual or group of people (Boomers, Gen X’ers, Millenials).  We confuse sound bites with explanations. Think about the times you’ve seen two shorthand labels in a headline, maybe with a “vs.” in between, and believed there was no need to read further to understand the situation (Israeli vs. Palestinian conflict).  It is easy to become polarized instead of thoughtful, rigid instead of nuanced.

I recently attended the Fetzer Symposium, a multidisciplinary gathering of Collaborative professionals, mediators, judges and others whose professional lives have been devoted to creativity and healing.  Each of the fifty participants was there because they were attracted to the theme:  “Divorce:  What does Love have to do With It?”  A rich tapestry of conversations, ideas and initiatives was created. Professional labels just weren’t that important—-everyone there was committed to reducing conflict in divorce.  I thought of the tendency we have to label family law processes and sometimes pit them against each other (collaborative vs. cooperative vs. adversarial vs. mediated vs. litigated).  Not only does it waste precious energy and create unnecessary conflict to oppose someone based solely on the label attached to their work, such animosity can also prevent us from looking further, going past the label to find our common values in helping families through crisis.   There is plenty of room at the family law table.  I felt honored and hopeful to be among so many family law professionals of all stripes who have earned the right to add peacemaking to other adjectives describing their work, not as a shorthand label but as an invitation to go beyond the label.
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172218935Because of our great medical facilities, people often say that Minnesota might be the best place in the world to get sick. What is less known is that Minnesota is rapidly becoming known as the best place for an ailing marriage too.  Indeed, just as people travel all over the world to come to the Mayo Clinic to heal their bodies, people from around the world occasionally travel to Minnesota to observe the ways that we heal conflict. Last month, two family law attorneys from Cape Town, South Africa, spent most of the month of May at the Collaborative Alliance in Edina,  observing many of our Collaborative divorce professionals so that they can improve the way family conflict is handled in their country.  Two weeks earlier, a family law attorney from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, visited the Collaborative Alliance space and asked if she could also send an observer from her country in the upcoming months. Indeed, we have hosted family law professionals from five different countries and nearly every state during the past six years. I realize that, if you have a healthy marriage, finding that Minnesota is a great place for a divorce may not be reason to jump up for joy.   No one wants to be in the position to need a divorce lawyer anymore than anyone wants to need a good oncologist.  But, if you are facing serious problems, it’s nice to know you can reach out and find some of the very best in the world. So, why is Minnesota an international leader in handling conflict?  Is it because of our superior laws, our better courts, better law schools are lawyers?   Well, in fact, while all of those things are very good in our state, the thing that is causing people to travel to Minnesota from afar is our innovation.  Divorce causes great pain around the world and nearly everyone is desperate to find a better way.  Minnesota is, among other things, the birthplace of Collaborative Law, a method of handling divorce that has spared tens of thousands of families.  To learn more about Collaborative Practice, go to www.collaborativelaw.org. As someone who has handled hundreds of Collaborative divorce (as well as hundreds of traditional divorces), I am not surprised that people from around the United States would want to learn about this better method.  However, I admit that I was a bit surprised to learn that about the great interest all around the world. I have had the opportunity to conduct workshops and trainings on Collaborative law throughout the world and I have observed great differences in their laws and in their cultural norms. What has surprised me is that, when it comes to basic issues, protecting children, reducing conflict, reducing costs we are all facing the same issue.  Collaborative Divorce is more effective, not because of something unique to Minnesotan or Americans, but because if makes divorce more human.  And that is a language that is understood all around the world.
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Pre-K Graduation CeremonyDivorce lawyers, when trying to urge their clients to settle their divorce case and save fees, will sometimes point out that a costly divorce is, directly or indirectly, draining the college fund for their children. This is a stark reality that, on occasion, will cause clients to pause long enough to set aside some emotional issues in order to preserve their nest egg. I have found that comparing college savings to divorce savings can be helpful in other ways as well. In working with divorcing couples for more than 30 years, I am often very impressed by the enormous sacrifices that middle class Americans will make to assure that their children get a good college education. This seems to be so embedded into the American dream that is not unusual to see parents fund their children’s college education even if it means depleting all savings or incurring great debt. In many divorce cases, the college savings are the “sacred cow”, the last thing to be impinged upon, based on shared belief that “the children come first.” For the most part, this is incredibly admirable. College education, or other post-secondary opportunities, can truly make a difference for our children and watching parents sacrifice for the greater good generally seems like a good idea. However, during a divorce, the sacrifices made for post-college education needs to be compared to other family sacrifices. Many adult children, who have gone through college, as well as their parents’ divorce, claim that getting through their parents’ divorce was the bigger challenge. More important, it is often easy to see that the way their parents handled their divorce had an even greater impact on their future lives than whether they had to take out a student loan to cover a larger portion of their college education. It is easy to see why this would be true. Yet, it is a hard realization for parents to accept when they are asked to consider “investing” in their children’s divorce in a similar light to an investment in college. For example, in most cases we recommend that parents work with a child specialist during a divorce; someone who can make sure that we are truly hearing the needs of the children and who can guide the parents in creating and implementing a parenting plan that is truly in the best interest of their children. The investment in a child specialist generally ranges between $1,000 and $2,000, a relatively small investment when you consider what is at stake. Yet, I see many really good parents who balk at this investment, even while committing tens of thousands of dollars to make sure that their children are not overburdened by student loans. I get it, in a way. A college education seems like a more tangible thing and, if you have never been through a divorce or worked with a child specialist, it may be hard to envision the benefits of a child specialist in the same way. In truth, there are times in which working with the child specialist has only a slightly advantageous effect on co-parenting.  However, there are other times when the difference is life changing. And when you carefully consider what is at stake, I can usually, without hesitation, recommend that investment, even at the risk that it could (although not necessarily) add $120 to $200 per month to little Johnny’s student loan payments.
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Child concernedWhile divorce is often expensive, when you look back on your divorce many years from now, the financial cost is not likely to be your most significant concern. If things do not go well during your divorce it is more likely that your real regrets will have more to do with the “real cost” of divorce; the impact on your children and on your emotional state. Can this “real cost” of divorce be reduced? Yes, but it takes hard work. The cost of your marriage. Of course, the first thing to think about is whether the divorce is necessary. If you are considering starting a divorce that you think can be avoided, make sure you explore all of your options before you give up on something you have worked to build. I am not talking about continuing to be unhappy in your marriage. I am only urging you to think about whether finding a way to become happy within the marriage may be a possibility and to consider whether the idea of happiness outside the marriage could be a mirage. If you have determined that the marriage cannot be saved (and I realize this may not be within your control), your next focus needs to be on how to avoid the real “cost” or damage that divorce can create. The cost of conflict to your family. Almost all divorce cases settle before going to trial. However, many people experience conflict during the settlement that can cause long term damage to their co-parenting relationship or their ability to move forward with their lives. So how do you achieve a settlement without high conflict and still protect yourself in the divorce process? Good settlements require a high degree of commitment. If you, and the professionals you hire, are truly committed to reaching a settlement that works for you and your children, you can achieve an outcome that reduces conflict and protects your other important interests. While your commitment will make the most difference, you also want an attorney that is committed to getting a good settlement as well. Almost all attorneys today will say they want to help you achieve an acceptable settlement. However, the difference between wanting a good settlement and committing to settlement is night a day. If getting the best settlement, and avoiding the real “cost” of divorce is important to you, you should consider hiring an attorney that is fully committed to settlement. Collaborative attorneys are attorneys who commit, in writing, to achieve a settlement that is acceptable to you. At the beginning of their case, both Collaborative attorneys sign a written document stating, in essence, that if they cannot get an acceptable settlement, they will be fired. The commitment to settlement causes everyone to use methods that are more effective; including full transparency, negotiation based on big picture goals, working with other professionals for more efficiency and reducing the posturing and arguing. To learn more about the Collaborative Process, and to find attorneys who are experienced in this area, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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Nelson Mandela“If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy.  Then he becomes your partner.”-Nelson Mandela If you are going through a divorce, it might feel like your spouse is the enemy and you really are at war. However, we can all learn much from Nelson Mandela, who passed away yesterday at the age of 95. Mr. Mandela was a lawyer, activist and peacemaker; and although he was a global figure, we can apply his lessons to divorce and conflict at home. If one spouse files for a traditional divorce through the court, the couple (and their children) embark on a journey, some clients describe, to complete hell. If they are able to return to this world, so to speak, the family unit is forever transformed, and not for the better. Spouses, who once loved one another, often do become enemies. The court process, particularly if custody over the children is an issue, often vilifies one parent and an all-out war breaks out. So, what’s the answer? Simple. Work with your spouse. Even if you DO see your spouse as the enemy, try to stay out of court. Judges don’t want to see you. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t want to decide where YOUR children should live. They don’t want to decide how to divide YOUR property. Stop and think about that. Do you want a stranger to make life altering decisions for you? You and your spouse should (and can) make those decisions. But you need a divorce process that will allow you to make the best choices, and you need attorneys and other professionals who can guide you to a better outcome. You will have to compromise. But if you work with your spouse, you can become partners in restructuring your family and arrive at a peaceful resolution. You will both “win” and make peace in the end. Wouldn’t Mr. Mandela be happy to know that? Wouldn’t he be glad to hear that the Collaborative Process focuses on solutions everyone can live with? I would think so.
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SOS Unmarried and have children? You may be interested to know that “Collaborative Divorce” is not just for divorce. Learn how the collaborative process can help you. First, it may be relieving to know that you are not alone. There are some interesting recent statistics related to marriage and children. Nearly half of children in America are born outside of marriage. And, for women under 30, most children are born outside of marriage. Whether you are married or not, if you separate from the other parent, you’ll need to figure out custody, parenting time and financial support issues related to your children. These are legal issues that should be finalized in a court order, either by agreement reached in the collaborative process or mediation, or by a court decision after a trial. There is a great online resource related to unmarried parents (useful to both unmarried mothers and unmarried fathers), available here for free from Legal Services State Support. The collaborative process is designed to increase communication and trust while helping you resolve these issues. You might be interested to know that this website, collaborativedivorceoptions.com, is part of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota and the articles are written by it’s members. Keep in mind that divorce is only one type of legal issue where the collaborative process is used. Why do I point this out? Because it’s important to know that Collaborative Law is not just for divorce. If you aren’t married but you have children, it’s important to know that you can still participate in a collaborative process rather than taking your case to court. The same collaborative principles apply whether you are married or not. In the collaborative process, you each hire attorneys trained in the collaborative process and you all sign an agreement not to go to court. Then you have a series of joint meetings where you all meet together, many times with other neutral professionals such as a coach, child specialist or financial specialist. In the end, you just file your agreement with the court rather than having a trial or other court hearings. That’s it. You never have to set foot in a courtroom and the process is structured and respectful.
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Picture2You are getting ready to tell your spouse about your divorce; Should you get an attorney? On the one hand, you want to be protected. Going through divorce without an attorney can feel like entering a foreign country without a guide. During this difficult process it seems critical to have someone who is truly on your side. At the same time, you have a fear that lawyers will stir things up and cause unnecessary acrimony and expense. Lawyers can mean court; and your instincts tell you that going to court, or even threatening court, could turn your divorce into an economic and emotional nightmare. It would be great if you could have the best of both worlds.  It would be wonderful if there was a legal expert on your side who will not stir things up; someone who could be your best friend without becoming your spouse’s worst enemy. Today, in Minnesota, you have that option.  It’s called Collaborative Practice. In Collaborative Practice you hire an attorney for settlement purposes only. Collaborative Attorneys are typically trained in ways to help guide you through your divorce that protect your interests without creating unnecessary acrimony. In a Collaborative case, your attorney and your spouse’s attorney are both prohibited from going to court, or even threatening court. Collaborative attorneys in your community will also meet with you, at no charge, to explain more about the process and to help you learn more about whether Collaborative Practice is the best choice for you. To find a Collaborative attorney and to set up your free consultation, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.