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collaborative divorce optionsThe longer I work as a neutral child specialist, the more important I realize it is to help divorcing parents have meaningful conversations about the possibility that one or both of them will enter into new significant relationships while their children are growing up.  New significant relationships usually generate a range of emotions and reactions in all family members, some of which are unanticipated.  It’s not uncommon for families to re-engage with me when a parent remarries or re-partners to help ensure that children’s best interests are kept at the center of a new family dynamic. New relationships introduce another element of change and uncertainty into co-parenting.  Parenting arrangements for the holidays that were working well may suddenly be called into question.  Boundaries may need new clarification, e.g. who is welcome to attend parent-teacher conferences or take children to their swim meets.  Advance planning and discussions that normalize potential co-parenting road bumps can help parents stay centered on what’s best for their children. Here are five basic considerations regarding new significant relationships:
  1. Give yourself sufficient time to heal.  Divorce is a major life crisis.  Entering into a new relationship too quickly increases the likelihood that you will not have had time to master the emotional and relational lessons to be learned from your marriage so that you can be truly ready for a new significant attachment.
  2. Give your children sufficient time to heal.  Children are deeply affected by a divorce.  Many children tell me the news felt like a bad dream, and what helps them adjust is getting used to the “new normal” over time.  Adding additional changes too quickly can negatively impact children’s energy, focus, emotional stability and resilience.
  3. Inform your co-parent before introducing a new significant other to your children.  This is not only a courtesy between parents, but it also helps keeps children out of the middle when they know the new relationship is not a secret.
  4. If you are co-parenting, any new partner or spouse will need to understand and honor the fact that you have a preexisting lifelong co-parenting relationship.  It can be a big red flag if a new person seems threatened by or not accepting of your co-parenting relationship.
  5. Children may experience insecurity, jealousy or other worries regarding new adults and children who are increasingly present during their time with a parent.  This can be especially challenging if step-children get to spend more actual time with this parent than do his or her own children.  Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s cues about needing attention, and plan dates and special time with them.
When co-parents are prepared to communicate effectively and work cooperatively on behalf of their children, the introduction of new mature significant others to children who are emotionally ready for this change can be a positive experience for all family members.
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Let’s face it, it’s not easy to announce your divorce, it may in fact be what you are dreading the most, but confiding in others will help you gain the support you need to pick up the pieces. There are so many different emotions – sadness, anger, fear, guilt, etc. One of the fears is about telling your friends and family. How will they react? What will they think? Will they ask a lot of questions that you don’t know how to answer? Will they be supportive? Some divorces come as no surprise that people saw coming and some divorces seem to come out of left field, depending on how much you and your spouse were “keeping up with appearances.” It is natural to want to keep up with appearances, after all, you may have went through months (even years) where you didn’t know if it would work out or not, and if it did you didn’t want your friends and family to dislike your spouse or think poorly of your marriage. This is not uncommon at all, it just makes initiating the conversation a bit more difficult. Remember that ultimately your friends and family want you to be happy. Tell your immediate family and closest friends first. From there, it gets trickier to know what is the best approach to take. You probably don’t want to, nor is it healthy, to tell the story over and over, so maybe an email to extended family and friends works for you, or maybe having a specific friend and family member responsible for letting certain people know is the best method for you. Having to worry about whether you are breaking the news in the right delivery method should be the least of your concerns right now, and people ultimately need to understand that. However, because everyone seems to want to know why, it is imperative to have a brief “elevator speech” ready. This can be as simple as, “We are two good people, that are simply not good together.” Your boss may need to know since divorce proceedings might conflict with your work schedule, but the need to tell co-workers will vary. If you aren’t close to them and normally don’t discuss your personal life then an announcement probably isn’t necessary. In today’s digital world there is also social media to consider. Don’t feel like you have to make an announcement, you can do nothing or simply change your name, eventually people will figure it out. News travels, and beyond close friends and family, you don’t own anyone an explanation. Don’t be alarmed if some people start to distance themselves. They may also be grieving this divorce. Sometimes friends whose own marriages are struggling will separate themselves from you for fear that it may happen to them as well. It’s important to remember that divorce does not define you. Your true friends will stand by you and most likely will want to help, but they may not necessarily know how. Perhaps before you break the news to friends and family make a list of what people can help with. Whether that’s enlisting in moving help, help with the kids, emotional support, attorney recommendations, or even needing a group of friends to commit to a night out once a month. Write down anything and everything that you might think could help, and then when people ask you can let them know immediately. Helping assists people in coping and understanding, so enlisting in friends and family’s help can be beneficial to all. Friends will want to help and lend advice. Allow them to help, but please seek advice from professionals (clergy, attorneys, therapists, advisers, etc), and remember to take care of yourself emotionally and physical.
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77931833Can you get what is fair in your divorce? Many people start by telling their attorneys that they want what is “fair” in the divorce only to be told that this is not realistic. “Fair is what happens in St. Paul for 11 days before Labor Day” is the common expression aimed at averting divorcing people from striving for a fair settlement. I understand those concerns about “fair”. Divorce can be so emotional that nothing presented as a settlement offer will be regarded as “fair” and settlement discussions can therefore drag on forever. Indeed, if you are faced with a divorce that you do not want, the notion that any proposal is “fair” can seem offensive or even inflammatory. Also, in settlement negations, “fair” is often used as an accusation. “I have offered something fair. Why won’t you accept this?” Of course, in a divorce a husband and wife are likely to have different understandings of fair. Describing your offer as “fair” as compared to your spouse’s offer, (which by implication must be unfair), is likely to feel insulting to your spouse and will not be productive. Despite all of this, I think it may be a mistake to discard notions of fairness altogether.   Indeed, while we all have different ideas about what truly is fair, it is important, sometimes even crucial, that certain things seem fair, at least to a degree. A divorce settlement that one or both parties strongly believe is unfair is likely to unravel or create problems if it is not addressed. Indeed, the success and durability of a divorce agreement may depend a great deal on whether the agreement is viewed as fair by the parties. To get an agreement that is durable in the future, it may be important to pay some attention to what you and your spouse perceive as fair. At the same time, in order to get past the gridlock that arguing about fairness can create, it is equally important to be flexible in our ideas of fairness and to work toward getting a better understanding of what lies underneath the feeling of unfairness. If the sense of unfairness has more to do with an unmet emotional need, (which is common in divorce), it may be helpful to seek the assistance of counselors or coaches to help you think of how those needs can be addressed. Similarly, if there is a tangible part of the divorce agreement that feels fundamentally unfair to both spouses for legal or financial reasons, it may be necessary to go deeper into their understanding of the finances or the law to help address some of these fundamental concerns. The great challenge in the divorce world is that, generally, you are dealing with areas of scarcity and loss and narrow definitions of fair can almost never be met. However, for people who are willing to practice some measure of empathy and to work to try to view the fairness through the lens of the other spouse, notions of fairness can be a powerful tool toward finding resolution. For more information on how this can be done, and for professionals with skill in addressing these issues go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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467180737Co-parenting can be exhausting, especially if your communication skills while you were married were not great to begin with. During your divorce you may have asked yourself, “If we couldn’t communicate effectively while we were married, how are we going to when we are divorced?” It can be extremely difficult to get past the painful history you may have with your ex and overcome any built-up resentment. However, it can be done and it should be for the sake of your children. Below are three areas to work on to build more effective co-parenting communication skills.
  • The Blame Game. Are you guilty of the “blame game?” In our household every time something went wrong blame had to be placed on someone. Late to an appointment – somebody’s fault. Food too spicy – somebody’s fault. Sidewalk is slippery – somebody’s fault. I just couldn’t understand why we had to place blame on someone for everything. It’s ok to be upset about something without having to constantly blame someone. Did your child forget to finish a school project while at his dad’s house? Sure the natural reaction is to blame your ex, but rather than focusing on who is to blame for something going wrong, focus on how to fix it. Co-parenting takes team work, and pointing fingers doesn’t work well on a team.
  • Moving On. Put the past behind you. Sure you are still hurting from “XYZ…” but until you are able to put it behind you it will continue to come up and with continue to debilitate your co-parenting skills. If you are having trouble and haven’t already sought out therapy or counseling, please do so. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are excepting blame for something that may have happened in the past, but rather seeking therapy means you are electing to seek out healthy ways to put the past behind you.
  • Think before you speak. Divorce and co-parenting are full of emotions. It’s easy to act and speak in the moment and later regret it. We can’t always be intentional with our words, but there are times that we can take a step back and carefully choose our words. For example, it is too easy to rattle off an emotional email in the heat of the moment, instead make a vow to yourself that before responding to an email you will wait one hour to respond or go for a walk before responding.
There is a quote that reads, “10% of conflicts are due to difference in opinion. 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.” Don’t just consider your actual words, but your tone as well. Co-parenting takes a lot of hard work and communication, but continuing with small strides can make a huge difference that ultimately results in a more positive relationship for the sake of your children.
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459360497The world is full of divorce experts willing to give you “free” advice about how to handle your divorce. Divorce is so common today that everyone from your hair stylist to your parents are likely to have advice about how you should handle your divorce. There are several reasons why this amateur advice is almost always detrimental. Here are just a few:
  1. Lacking Context. The opinions that most people have about how to divorce is significantly biased by a small slice of information that is out of context. A divorce usually involves numerous issues. It is very difficult to know how one issue should be handled without having a thorough understanding of all of the other issues. Skilled divorce attorneys can help put these issues in context in ways that will help you get a better settlement.
  2. Emotional enmeshment. Many of your friends or families members may have an emotional reaction to your divorce that will alter their advice. Often that emotional reaction triggers a desire to protect you by urging you to take a more aggressive stance. This generally leads to stirring up acrimony that will actually make it more difficult for you to achieve your highest goals.
The Solution: Be wary of free advice. Make a distinction between the people in your life who can advise you and the people in your life who can provide you with personal or emotional support. All people going through divorce can use emotional and personal support to help them through a difficult time. Reach out to your friends and family to provide you with that emotional support and ask them to refrain from providing legal advice. At the same time, you should thoroughly research attorneys and even interview several people to find a good fit, and then select an attorney that you truly trust. Once you find a qualified professional that you trust to give legal advice, rely on the advice you are purchasing, rather than the free advice from friends and family members. To find attorneys to interview and to explain your options, go to www.collaborativepractice.org and www.divorcechoice.com.
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466032689Divorcing parents often wonder how vacations are treated in a parenting plan. There are often three types of vacation options addressed in divorce.
  1. Vacation during parenting time. Often parents are each allowed to take unlimited vacations during their scheduled parenting time. There may be additional requirements to notify the off-duty parent of any travel or certain vacations that are not agreed to generally. But because these vacation do not impact parenting time, they are usually the simplest to address.
  2. Vacation with the children that includes off-duty parenting time. Some parents agree to some amount of time for vacations that are longer than parenting time blocks. One or two weeks a year often fits for families. These vacations may include travel out-of-state or be contiguous time in town. Usually both parents have the same amount of time and there is often a notice requirement – that the parent wanting a vacation informs the other parent of the planned vacation.  This time often supersedes regularly scheduled parenting time and is not made up at a later date.
  3. Vacation without the children that includes no-duty parenting time. Sometimes parents agree to include vacation time without the children in a parenting plan. This allows a parent to have time away while the other parent takes on more parenting time. This vacation time is also usually equally provided to both parents and includes a notice requirement.
In all of these options, it is often a good idea to not inform the children of a proposed vacation until it has been agreed-upon by both parents. Obviously, these options address only the parenting time elements of vacation and not the financial significance of vacations. Vacations and travel may be included in budgets and support options or other financial agreements can be reached or discussed in the divorce process.
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Getting married is about love. Well the tide turns when a couple decides to get unmarried or divorced. Divorce is then about money and kids and hopefully not in that order. Being prepared to have financial discussions with your spouse, financial neutral specialist, or your attorney takes time, effort, and I think introspection, to create the greatest likelihood for a successful outcome. One of the most tedious and time-consuming tasks of getting unmarried is compiling all of the financial information necessary. One way or another you and your spouse need to provide copies of statements for all assets, liabilities, paycheck records, tax returns, deeds to your home, pension and 401k accounts, credit card accounts, bank accounts and more.  More than likely you will build a more complete documented financial record than most ever did during their marriage. I think the most important thing you can do to prepare beyond being fully transparent in disclosing and providing all financial documentation is to develop a healthy mindset.  While this is challenging it is certainly doable and worthwhile. The hard work it takes to develop a healthy mindset can save you time, money, and headaches. Just what do I mean by a healthy mindset? It helps to put all your focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past. Focus on your interests instead of positions. Interests are the underlying reasons why something may be so important to a person. Let us look at a simple example. Let us say we have one orange and two people who both want the orange.  They both draw lines in the sand saying no to the other in terms of giving up the orange.  This is a position, something both people decided. It is not until we ask why the orange is so important to them that we determine the underlying interests. What is it that caused each of these people in our example to decide they both want the orange? It turns out one wants the orange to eat and one wants the orange peelings for baking. By getting to the underlying interests, we solve the problem position of one orange wanted by two people.  Learn to think, talk, and express yourself in terms of your interests when negotiating with others. You will be amazed at what can happen and how seemingly unsolvable problems can be resolved. Helping you and your spouse speak in interests is something we as professionals do in the collaborative divorce process. Here are four other basic skills you can learn and practice to help you through the divorce process.
  1. Manage your emotions:  As I said earlier focus on solutions rather than reacting emotionally. Regardless of what someone else might say do not take it personally.
  2. Flexible thinking:  Flexible thinking will help you come up with new ideas and creative solutions. It is important for you and your spouse to maintain flexible thinking during the divorce process.
  3. Moderate behavior:  Moderating your behavior will help your spouse be a little more open minded, respectful, and less defensive.
  4. Checking in with yourself:  As you are going through divorce process checking in often with self on how you are doing on the above three items especially when under stress can help things go more smoothly.
While I cannot promise you, everything will be smooth sailing in your divorce by following these simple suggestions the seas of divorce can be less intimidating and help you reach your final port destination with a little less wear and tear.
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People who are facing divorce after many years of marriage, or just later in life, face unique challenges. They are less connected by the need to provide daily care and financial support for their children. They also may be facing other life changes such as upcoming retirement or increasing health concerns (and costs!) as they age. Sometimes this has been called The Graying of Divorce. According to Mayoclinic.org, “Empty nest syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis. Instead, empty nest syndrome is a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.” It is a life transition where spouses can take a step back and look at how their lives are progressing. As part of this process of reflection, they may say to themselves: “I’ve put up with this long enough!” Alternatively, it might be a time when couples take advantage of having more time to explore new interests and activities to share together. A process that can be helpful to those considering divorce or separation is called Discernment Counseling. Discernment Counseling is different than regular couples counseling because–instead of just focusing on helping the marriage relationship–it focuses on deciding whether the marriage should be worked on or whether divorce or separation should be pursued. The University of Minnesota has a Discernment Counseling project has a helpful website that you may want to visit if you want to learn more about Discernment Counseling. If divorce is the path chosen, Collaborative Divorce is often a perfect option as it can help increase communication and mutual respect to the benefit of both spouses (and grown children!). A neutral financial professional can analyze retirement cash flow and budgets, including tax implications of withdrawing retirement funds. Empty Nest divorces have their own unique challenges. They also are an opportune time to be able to enter a process that the older divorcing couple can be proud of in creating a respectful transition to separate living and ending of their marriage.
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184849475The beginning of a new school year is all about the juxtaposition of continuity and change.  We all remember the mix of excitement, anxiety, hope and worry that accompany this time of transition for children.  Parents want their kids to settle in safely and achieve success, while kids count on their parents’ support. For many children, the changes marking the new school year are not only teacher, grade, classroom and classmates, but changes in their families because of divorce.  Here are seven tips for co-parents to support their children in this situation:
  1. Let your child know that you have contacted trusted adults at school (teacher, social worker, principal) to let them know about the family change, and have done so in a calm and respectful way.  Tell your child it is important that trusted adults at school know because they care about your child and will be available to offer empathy and support as needed.  Reassure your child that family information will be kept confidential by these trusted adults, and it is your child’s choice about whether and when to share information with classmates.
  2. Explore possible school-based resources for children whose parents are divorced.  Many schools offer specialized support groups as well as individual counseling resources for kids.
  3. Participate in beginning of school activities with your child as fully as possible.  Express interest, encouragement and enthusiasm for this important part of your child’s life.
  4. Establish routines that will support your child in homework completion, having family meals and getting to bed on time. Be sure to share information with your co-parent regarding school projects and homework assignments that will need to be worked on in both homes so your child experiences continuity of support.
  5. If your child participates in sports or other extracurricular activities and depends on parent involvement, be sure to arrange transportation and other logistics in advance so your child doesn’t worry.  If there are multiple children in a family, this often requires co-parent cooperation.
  6. Establish a joint online family calendar for scheduling child-centered events.  This is an effective way for co-parents to remain in the loop regarding activities for their children.
  7. If your children are experiencing transitions between homes as part of your parenting plan, be aware that they will benefit from your patience and empathy in this process.  Help them get organized, and be supportive rather than critical if they forget something at the other parent’s home.  It’s a big learning curve for kids.
A positive and responsive school experience can be an anchor for your child, especially in the midst of family change.  I hope this can be the case for every child this year.
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186765081As I listened to the appalling news out of Ferguson, MO, last week, I was especially struck by two things: First, a veteran police officer, a retired chief of a municipal department, shared an observation that his officers made during unrest in his city, that when they were deployed in riot gear, officers invariably discovered that the situation became riotous.  But when they met protestors wearing only their regular uniforms, they were able to talk to them and defuse many situations. Secondly, early last week, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon put State Troopers under the command of Capt. Ronald S. Johnson, who grew up in the area, in charge of the police effort in Ferguson.  Capt. Johnson, as pictured on the front page of the August 15th N.Y. Times, wore only his regular Summer uniform.  He walked with protestors in the streets; he listened to them explain long-standing grievances.  And the temperature in Ferguson cooled perceptibly–before additional tear gas and rubber bullets reignited passions. I am not a cop.  But the retired police chief–and Capt. Johnson–and I–all know from long experience that you will find trouble if you go looking for it. Fortunately, my experiences as a divorce lawyer lack both rubber bullets and tear gas, but they are accompanied by strong emotions, usually expressed in the denigration of my client’s spouse.  My client recites how dishonest, abusive, or uncaring the spouse is; how neglectful or clueless he or she is.  It’s the opposite of the old lyric, “lookin’ for gold in a silver mine.”  If those negative emotions bubble over, they’re invariably met with–SURPRISE!–the same feelings on the other side! And the case becomes even more contentious.  The bigger waste, overall, is that the couple seems to believe that the family court system cares about this emotion.  Apparently they believe that if the fight becomes bitter enough, someone will “win”.  These folks could have been the inspiration for Elton John’s lyrics in “Honky Cat”:          “It’s like trying to find gold in a silver mine. It’s like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine.” Collaborative Process was conceived as a problem-solving exercise, based on a belief that husbands and wives might put their children’s welfare before their own.  When I can get my client to take that leap of faith, s/he is often astounded to discover that, because they’re not spending the time fighting, both of them are able to make decisions that directly benefit the entire family.  When my client starts out believing that their spouse also wants to complete the process and care for their children, they discover–SURPRISE!–that the spouses do.  And when that happens, they’re more willing to listen to the variety of ways in which that could occur.  Time and energy  are now spent devising productive ways to reorganize their family. If you’re looking for peace by waging war, don’t expect to find it.  If, on the other hand, you start out waging peace . . .