conflict in divorce Archives | Page 3 of 5 | Collaborative Law Institute

November 19, 2014

Co-parenting can be exhausting, especially if your communication skills while you were married were not great to begin with. During your divorce you may have asked yourself, “If we couldn’t communicate effectively while we were married, how are we going to when we are divorced?” It can be extremely difficult to get past the painful history you may have with your ex and overcome any built-up resentment. However, it can be done and it should be for the sake of your children. Below are three areas to work on to build more effective co-parenting communication skills.

The Blame Game. Are you guilty of the “blame game?” In our household every time something went wrong blame had to be placed on someone. Late to an appointment – somebody’s fault. Food too spicy – somebody’s fault. Sidewalk is slippery – somebody’s fault. I just couldn’t understand why we had to place blame on someone for everything. It’s ok to be upset about something without having to constantly blame someone. Did your child forget to finish a school project while at his dad’s house? Sure the natural reaction is to blame your ex, but rather than focusing on who is to blame for something going wrong, focus on how to fix it. Co-parenting takes team work, and pointing fingers doesn’t work well on a team.
Moving On. Put the past behind you. Sure you are still hurting from “XYZ…” but until you are able to put it behind you it will continue to come up and with continue to debilitate your co-parenting skills. If you are having trouble and haven’t already sought out therapy or counseling, please do so. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are excepting blame for something that may have happened in the past, but rather seeking therapy means you are electing to seek out healthy ways to put the past behind you.
Think before you speak. Divorce and co-parenting are full of emotions. It’s easy to act and speak in the moment and later regret it. We can’t always be intentional with our words, but there are times that we can take a step back and carefully choose our words. For example, it is too easy to rattle off an emotional email in the heat of the moment, instead make a vow to yourself that before responding to an email you will wait one hour to respond or go for a walk before responding.

There is a quote that reads, “10% of conflicts are due to difference in opinion. 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.” Don’t just consider your actual words, but your tone as well. Co-parenting takes a lot of hard work and communication, but continuing with small strides can make a huge difference that ultimately results in a more positive relationship for the sake of your children.

November 3, 2014

I heard an advertisement on the radio this morning for a litigating divorce attorney. This attorney discussed the importance of removing the emotion from divorce and treating the divorce itself as a business transaction. I understood her point – emotions can be messy or interfere with rational decision making. However, emotion is often the biggest part of divorce. Or, it often feels that way to clients. How can we ask clients to strip that piece out of the process? Rather, as a collaborative attorney, I believe that emotion can be used to healthily guide clients to mutually agreeable resolutions that have long-term staying power. I embrace the opportunity to take the client where they are at – emotions and all – and guide them towards resolution. Engaging a mental health professional or coach in the process can sometimes be the greatest asset provided to clients and allow them to balance the emotions with the necessary business-like decisions. Treating a divorce as a business transaction often leads to client’s making decisions for purely financial reasons. Using emotions and feelings of fairness or equity may lead to clients feeling as if the resolutions more completely address their needs. For example, if one spouse cheated on the other, an emotional response of anger or vindication may lead to the hurt spouse to ask for more financial pay-out. This sort of punitive outcome is not supported in the law and rarely agreed to out-of-court. However, if the parties have a co-parenting relationship or more emotional needs, a purely business-like interaction may never address some of the underlying emotions. Facilitating a discussion about how both parties are feeling and what they may need in order to move forward may been more beneficial to the clients than any financial resolution. Some clients want an apology or a better understanding of why something happened. Others may need to put in effort to establish a shared narrative or story for others. The finances matter – sometimes most of all. The collaborative process embraces the financial side of divorce, but also allows for a more holistic and complete approach that can address emotions, if the clients so desire.

October 23, 2014

Money can be a major cause of stress in a marriage, so it should come as little surprise that solving money problems can be even more complicated in divorce. Divorce usually comes at a time of economic strain in a marriage and, of course, adds fuel to the fire by immediately adding additional expenses; the cost of a second home, legal fees and the cost of other divorce professionals. The fear of scarce resources can cause people to “fight for a bigger piece of the pie”. However, it soon becomes clear that, if both sides fight hard for a bigger slice of the pie, the legal fees and other expenses of maintaining the fight will cause the pie to shrink and the fear of having too little to rise. So, how can couples rise above the dilemma of draining resources from a rapidly shrinking pie? Here are a few quick tips:

Recognize that the most expensive part of a divorce is conflict. The desire to “lawyer up” and to focus on “winning” generally just creates economic loss for both parties. Most importantly, there are ways to protect your interests that work better, and put more money in your pocket, than gearing up for a fight.
Look for true “win-win” solutions that can actually make the pie bigger. Believe it or not, there are ways to think creatively in a divorce that will actually help both you and your spouse get more resources; including ways to save on taxes and transaction costs and ways to build in true incentives for both of you to earn more income and/or spend less money.
Improve your money sense. In the end, you will be left with your share of the assets, income and liabilities of the marriage. Your financial future will depend on your ability to manage your share, perhaps more than any other factor. Divorce provides an opportunity to improve your money skills, including your spending habits and earning power.

Collaborative Divorce, because it focuses on reducing conflict and increasing skills, and because it gives you the assistance of a neutral financial expert, provides many opportunities to improve in each of these areas. To learn more about the Collaborative options, and other ways to help address divorce financial issues go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.

October 15, 2014

Getting married is about love. Well the tide turns when a couple decides to get unmarried or divorced. Divorce is then about money and kids and hopefully not in that order. Being prepared to have financial discussions with your spouse, financial neutral specialist, or your attorney takes time, effort, and I think introspection, to create the greatest likelihood for a successful outcome. One of the most tedious and time-consuming tasks of getting unmarried is compiling all of the financial information necessary. One way or another you and your spouse need to provide copies of statements for all assets, liabilities, paycheck records, tax returns, deeds to your home, pension and 401k accounts, credit card accounts, bank accounts and more. More than likely you will build a more complete documented financial record than most ever did during their marriage. I think the most important thing you can do to prepare beyond being fully transparent in disclosing and providing all financial documentation is to develop a healthy mindset. While this is challenging it is certainly doable and worthwhile. The hard work it takes to develop a healthy mindset can save you time, money, and headaches. Just what do I mean by a healthy mindset? It helps to put all your focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past. Focus on your interests instead of positions. Interests are the underlying reasons why something may be so important to a person. Let us look at a simple example. Let us say we have one orange and two people who both want the orange. They both draw lines in the sand saying no to the other in terms of giving up the orange. This is a position, something both people decided. It is not until we ask why the orange is so important to them that we determine the underlying interests. What is it that caused each of these people in our example to decide they both want the orange? It turns out one wants the orange to eat and one wants the orange peelings for baking. By getting to the underlying interests, we solve the problem position of one orange wanted by two people. Learn to think, talk, and express yourself in terms of your interests when negotiating with others. You will be amazed at what can happen and how seemingly unsolvable problems can be resolved. Helping you and your spouse speak in interests is something we as professionals do in the collaborative divorce process. Here are four other basic skills you can learn and practice to help you through the divorce process.

Manage your emotions: As I said earlier focus on solutions rather than reacting emotionally. Regardless of what someone else might say do not take it personally.
Flexible thinking: Flexible thinking will help you come up with new ideas and creative solutions. It is important for you and your spouse to maintain flexible thinking during the divorce process.
Moderate behavior: Moderating your behavior will help your spouse be a little more open minded, respectful, and less defensive.
Checking in with yourself: As you are going through divorce process checking in often with self on how you are doing on the above three items especially when under stress can help things go more smoothly.

While I cannot promise you, everything will be smooth sailing in your divorce by following these simple suggestions the seas of divorce can be less intimidating and help you reach your final port destination with a little less wear and tear.

October 1, 2014

When you find out your son or daughter is getting a divorce, your first thought will often be about their children; your grandchildren. How will the children be affected by all of this? And how can you help; or avoid hurting the situation? During the 31 years I have been working with divorcing families, I have seen situations where the grandparents have really helped their children and grandchildren though a difficult time. Sadly however, I have witnessed far more situations where they grandparents have, without realizing it, actually make the divorce more difficult for their grandchildren. You may be wondering; how can this be? What type of person would actually make the divorce more difficult for their grandchildren? Believe it or not, it can happen to the very best grandparents without them even realizing it. Here are the two common mistakes that grandparents make:

Facilitating a War by Creating a War Chest. Divorce is expensive, and your children may turn to you to help with the legal fees. If you have the capacity to help, it would seem, at least on the surface, to be the right thing to do to provide them with funding, at least in the form of a loan. While the financial assistance is sometimes helpful, sometimes it can actually add to the conflict. The thing that damages children the most is generally the conflict that so often happens when one or both parents are angry, sad or scared. If your children have enough funding, they can sometimes carry out the conflict through attorneys. If their funds are limited, the may be forced to look past the emotions and find solutions. When I litigated divorces (something I can no longer stomach), some of the nastiest custody fights were funded by grandparents. All of the grandparents thought they were helping out their grandchildren. Usually they only perpetuated a fight.
“Supporting” your child by reaffirming the evilness of their spouse. The emotions of divorce create distortions. The wonderful son-in-law that you heard about for the past 15 years, is now portrayed by your daughter as a monster. As you hear the stories of how badly he is behaving, you are aghast and quickly run to her support by suddenly remembering things that you never really liked about him. It may be that your son-in-law was not as great as you thought; and it may be that the divorce is bringing out his worst behavior. However, it is possible, (maybe even likely) that you are getting a distorted picture of this person and, adding to the distortion, (which can happen instinctively) may cause damage to the only father your grandchildren will ever know.

So, how do you avoid making these mistakes? One way is to encourage your children to fully explore their divorce processes, so that they can be supported by attorneys and other professionals who will help them resist the distortions and the war mentality. To learn more about these options, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorchoice.com.

September 30, 2014

Potential divorce clients often ask, how much does a collaborative divorce cost? Great question, it differs with each case and is dependent on clients and their level of conflict regardless of process. The more conflict a couple brings to any divorce process the more expensive it will be. Bottom line, conflict is expensive. Butting heads together to argue positions vs. putting heads together to solve problems will always increase costs. In a collaborative divorce, we focus on putting heads together which should decrease costs. As a financial neutral in the collaborative process, I have given this cost question serious thought. I wrestle with how you define cost. Do we measure cost only in terms of dollars and cents or is there something beyond the almighty dollar? I think the latter. I remember a couple who owned a business that I worked with in a collaborative divorce. By simply suggesting an alternative to using retirement fund money (client plan) to pay off a rather large debt, I was able to save them about $9,000 in income taxes. I seriously doubt anyone other than a well-trained financial professional would have noticed this. What about the cost savings of better-adjusted children of divorce because of their parents taking a higher road with less tension and conflict allowing both parents to effectively co-parent to create and environment where children are not placed in the middle of parental conflict? What about the cost of the stress and delays that typically occur with a traditional court based divorce? How do you place a number on the cost of destroyed relationships with spouses, children, extended family members such as in-laws and friends? How can one put a dollar value on these? Theoretically, a collaborative divorce should cost less. Attorney involvement in a collaborative divorce is typically less than in a traditional court based model. This occurs since other professionals, usually at lower hourly rates, provide many services historically provided by attorneys. Some attorneys choose not to become collaborative divorce practitioners because of this. Some traditional court based attorneys will say they do not believe that it is in the best interest of their client to have to withdraw from representing their client if the case does not settle in the collaborative process. The withdrawal provision if a case should go to court, is a key feature of collaborative divorce because it places everyone’s focus and interests, attorneys and clients, on finding solutions that take into account the highest priorities of both spouses and their children instead of arguing positions ad infinitum. This committed agreement for attorneys and clients to settle is, in my opinion, a good thing for divorcing spouses. It helps provide the framework for a less costly divorce and as I said earlier, I am not talking only about money. One of my goals working with couples or individuals is to reduce their divorce costs whenever and wherever we can so the family can keep more of its hard-earned money. One very simple illustration of how a financial neutral helps lower costs is in gathering financial information necessary for any divorce. It works like this. The financial neutral gathers All the financial documents from the clients that attorneys will ultimately need such as ALL assets and liability account statements including bank and credit card statements, non-retirement investments and savings, pension and retirement accounts, real estate documents, business documents if any, tax returns, pay check stubs etc. The financial neutral then, organizes and presents all of this information to both attorneys. Contrast this with each client having to provide all of this information to each of their attorneys. Attorneys usually have the highest hourly rates. Rather than paying two attorneys the couple pays, one financial professional, to perform this function. This one-step in the process can easily save a couple up to two thousand dollars. When minor children are involved, a neutral child specialist will meet with the parents to help them create parenting plans that are in the best interest of the child. The child specialist usually conducts these meetings without an attorney present. A neutral coach, when engaged by a couple, meets with the clients without attorneys to facilitate communication plans throughout the divorce process and looking ahead in the couple’s relationship post divorce. The child specialist and neutral coaches typically have the lowest hourly rates in the process of all professionals. Sometimes clients choose not to hire a neutral coach. In my experience, having a coach on board can help decrease tension and improve communication between spouses during the process. Less tension and conflict should lead to lower cost and more importantly stronger relationships post divorce. Well, I really have not given you a definitive answer on how much a collaborative divorce costs, because I cannot. Every couple and family is unique. Couples themselves determine, often unconsciously, how much their divorce will cost. Cost is directly a function of the level of conflict they bring into and maintain throughout the process. Ultimately, I think it boils down to what the couple wants. If they want a largely attorney driven process and someone else to make decisions for them about their children and their future then perhaps the more traditional court based process is for them. If on the other hand the couple wants to have less attorney involvement, make decisions for themselves and their children instead of someone else deciding then a collaborative divorce may be a better choice. If I could leave you with anything from this post, it would be to remember theoretically a collaborative divorce should cost less and that cost is more than just money. You control your journey and your destination. Choose wisely.

September 22, 2014

Parties going through a divorce need to understand that advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model and advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model are different; and advocacy in each of these models feels different as well. Bear with me while I examine Advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model in Part I in preparation for discussing advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model in Part II followed by the “power of neutrality” in Part III. Trust me, this is interesting. In a rights-based model, “rights” are independent standards of fairness or legitimacy that are formally established in law or contract. Usually different rights or entitlements are at stake in a particular case. Here, each party and their attorney is playing to the decision-maker, e.g., the judge, or playing to a prediction of what the decision-maker would decide based on application of the law to the facts of the case.

In this case, neither party cares much about the other party’s point of view. What matters is what the judge thinks or is predicted to think. “Rights-based” advocacy focuses on winning and losing and defending positions, and frequently emphasizes past events. The relationship between the parties is likely to become more adversarial, the parties becoming opponents interacting in an accusatory atmosphere. While advocacy in this model is hard on the problem, it is also hard on the parties. A rights-based model can sometimes accomplish what an interest-based model cannot—bring an end to the divorce. There will always be parties and problems that cannot be resolved without a 3^rd party decision-maker making a final decision or threatening to make a final decision for the parties. But for many families, a rights-based procedure is not necessary. A rights-based procedure should be a last resort rather than a first resort. That was pretty interesting, right? In Part II, I will examine advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model and how the removal of the 3^rd party decision-maker makes all the difference. In Part III, the power of neutrality is shown to be the secret ingredient to advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model.

September 17, 2014

As I listened to the appalling news out of Ferguson, MO, last week, I was especially struck by two things: First, a veteran police officer, a retired chief of a municipal department, shared an observation that his officers made during unrest in his city, that when they were deployed in riot gear, officers invariably discovered that the situation became riotous. But when they met protestors wearing only their regular uniforms, they were able to talk to them and defuse many situations. Secondly, early last week, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon put State Troopers under the command of Capt. Ronald S. Johnson, who grew up in the area, in charge of the police effort in Ferguson. Capt. Johnson, as pictured on the front page of the August 15th N.Y. Times, wore only his regular Summer uniform. He walked with protestors in the streets; he listened to them explain long-standing grievances. And the temperature in Ferguson cooled perceptibly–before additional tear gas and rubber bullets reignited passions. I am not a cop. But the retired police chief–and Capt. Johnson–and I–all know from long experience that you will find trouble if you go looking for it. Fortunately, my experiences as a divorce lawyer lack both rubber bullets and tear gas, but they are accompanied by strong emotions, usually expressed in the denigration of my client’s spouse. My client recites how dishonest, abusive, or uncaring the spouse is; how neglectful or clueless he or she is. It’s the opposite of the old lyric, “lookin’ for gold in a silver mine.” If those negative emotions bubble over, they’re invariably met with–SURPRISE!–the same feelings on the other side! And the case becomes even more contentious. The bigger waste, overall, is that the couple seems to believe that the family court system cares about this emotion. Apparently they believe that if the fight becomes bitter enough, someone will “win”. These folks could have been the inspiration for Elton John’s lyrics in “Honky Cat”: “It’s like trying to find gold in a silver mine. It’s like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine.” Collaborative Process was conceived as a problem-solving exercise, based on a belief that husbands and wives might put their children’s welfare before their own. When I can get my client to take that leap of faith, s/he is often astounded to discover that, because they’re not spending the time fighting, both of them are able to make decisions that directly benefit the entire family. When my client starts out believing that their spouse also wants to complete the process and care for their children, they discover–SURPRISE!–that the spouses do. And when that happens, they’re more willing to listen to the variety of ways in which that could occur. Time and energy are now spent devising productive ways to reorganize their family. If you’re looking for peace by waging war, don’t expect to find it. If, on the other hand, you start out waging peace . . .

September 10, 2014

Peace is possible though we are surrounded by high conflict. In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.” Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons. This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale. And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children. The end of a marriage is not unlike the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences. Is it possible to disconnect without civil war? Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle. Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and wellbeing of children. I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility. In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace. We can elect to follow The Four Agreements as defined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book by the same name, and use these principles to help us resolve our differences:

I will be impeccable with my word.
I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.
I will make no assumptions.
I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.

In Collaborative Team Practice, parents who are getting unmarried can draw from sources of support for the emotional, financial, parenting and legal issues that are involved. Parents remain in charge of their own outcomes, but are given tools to keep the process as respectful as possible, thereby setting the stage for child-centered co-parenting. The world your children will inhabit is in the future. May it be a peaceful one.

August 8, 2014

I received a text message the other day from a friend asking if I heard that mutual friends of ours had filed for divorce. I was not surprised to receive this news as it was a long time coming, however, I was surprised that the driving point of the text was how “ugly” the divorce was going to get. With three little girls between the ages of 6 and 12, ugly is the last thing they need. The exchange made me recall an email that we received at Daisy Camp a few months ago. The women had used one of the best divorce attorneys in the Twin Cities and had been out for blood. It look her five years post-divorce to realize that she wanted to “get better, not bitter,” and that the payback that she was seeking in her divorce would never take away the broken heart or help her to heal. 5 years later she realized that no divorce concessions would have justified as payback, but what she was actually seeking was healing. It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the divorce and not realize that the amount of money, division of property, child support, spousal maintenance (alimony), or the amount of child custody time that is “won” won’t mean a thing if it come at the cost of the relationship if your children. Which is why more and more couples are seeking to divorce collaboratively these days. No one wins in divorce, but you have a lot to lose when a divorce gets ugly.