Telling your spouse you want to get a divorce may be the most difficult conversation you will ever have. The decisions you make during this critical time will affect you and your family for the rest of your life.
While there are many things to consider, my view after working with divorcing families for 30 years, is that these three considerations are the most important.
1. Make sure you are doing the right thing.
If you are unsure about whether divorce is your best option, make sure that you have fully explored all options. If you think counseling might work, take the time to find a counselor with experience and expertise in marriage saving. In addition, make sure you are aware that other divorce saving options, apart from counseling, that have been found to work, including programs like Retrouvaille, or programs offered through local churches and synagogues.
2. Make sure you understand all of your options before you move forward with the divorce.
Divorce is no longer a “one-size fits all” process. Today there are many divorce process options and you owe it to yourself to find the option that will work best for your family. Simply going to a traditional divorce attorney and starting a traditional divorce can be like going to a surgeon before you explore whether surgery is necessary. If possible, speak with professionals with knowledge and experience in all of the primary options, such as mediation and Collaborative Law, to make sure that you are getting accurate information about the choices available. To find professionals who can competently explain all options, go to www.divorcechoice.com and www.collaborativelaw.org.
3. Take some time to determine your most important goals.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they are starting the divorce is to get locked into short-term thinking and ignore their real priorities. The sense of urgency in their current situation causes all of their attention to focus on putting out fires rather than achieving their most important goals. As a result, they look back on their divorce many years later wondering why things did not work out the way they had planned. To avoid that problem, take some time to really think about what will matter the most to you in your future life and make sure all of your divorce decisions focus on these important long term goals.
It is never easy to think about ending a marriage. However, if you can focus on preserving what is most important in your life, you can make your future less difficult. Divorce is about the end of an important relationship and the beginning of a new life. The decisions you make at the beginning will make a tremendous difference in the quality of that new life.
While divorce is often expensive, when you look back on your divorce many years from now, the financial cost is not likely to be your most significant concern. If things do not go well during your divorce it is more likely that your real regrets will have more to do with the “real cost” of divorce; the impact on your children and on your emotional state.
Can this “real cost” of divorce be reduced? Yes, but it takes hard work.
The cost of your marriage.
Of course, the first thing to think about is whether the divorce is necessary. If you are considering starting a divorce that you think can be avoided, make sure you explore all of your options before you give up on something you have worked to build. I am not talking about continuing to be unhappy in your marriage. I am only urging you to think about whether finding a way to become happy within the marriage may be a possibility and to consider whether the idea of happiness outside the marriage could be a mirage.
If you have determined that the marriage cannot be saved (and I realize this may not be within your control), your next focus needs to be on how to avoid the real “cost” or damage that divorce can create.
The cost of conflict to your family.
Almost all divorce cases settle before going to trial. However, many people experience conflict during the settlement that can cause long term damage to their co-parenting relationship or their ability to move forward with their lives.
So how do you achieve a settlement without high conflict and still protect yourself in the divorce process? Good settlements require a high degree of commitment. If you, and the professionals you hire, are truly committed to reaching a settlement that works for you and your children, you can achieve an outcome that reduces conflict and protects your other important interests.
While your commitment will make the most difference, you also want an attorney that is committed to getting a good settlement as well. Almost all attorneys today will say they want to help you achieve an acceptable settlement. However, the difference between wanting a good settlement and committing to settlement is night a day. If getting the best settlement, and avoiding the real “cost” of divorce is important to you, you should consider hiring an attorney that is fully committed to settlement.
Collaborative attorneys are attorneys who commit, in writing, to achieve a settlement that is acceptable to you. At the beginning of their case, both Collaborative attorneys sign a written document stating, in essence, that if they cannot get an acceptable settlement, they will be fired.
The commitment to settlement causes everyone to use methods that are more effective; including full transparency, negotiation based on big picture goals, working with other professionals for more efficiency and reducing the posturing and arguing. To learn more about the Collaborative Process, and to find attorneys who are experienced in this area, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com. ![By Antoine Ducrot (1814–?) (Koller Auktionen) [Public domain], <a href=](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/84/Antoine_Ducrot_Galante_Szene_auf_dem_Feld.jpg)
I have learned a few things over the years being a divorce and family law attorney and mediator.
One thing I have observed is that men are often result-oriented in a divorce (and just generally in life, right?!). They frequently believe that they have a solution worked out. If only their spouse would listen to them, they could have been done with this whole process yesterday.
I have also observed that while women are concerned about the terms of the final agreement, they also want to be sure that they go through a thoughtful process to get there. Part of this stems from women’s tendency to value relationships more than men.
Another part of this is that men may not appreciate the extent that relationships matter in negotiations. If men understood how much relationships matter in negotiations, they would be more thoughtful in how they approach negotiations in divorce, because as a result they would frequently find that they would get better outcomes for themselves and their spouses.
With more open communication comes more potential options that benefit both people. A great way to approach a negotiation is to start by trying to listen and ask open ended questions in order to honestly figure out what the other person wants and why they want it, in order to better understand their perspective. Without this knowledge, many potential settlement options will go undiscovered, which results in lost opportunities for both people.
Of course generalizations about men and women are not always fair or accurate, but what negotiation professionals understand is that—regardless of gender—if a person feels valued and respected, they are more likely to show the same value and respect in return. The result of this mutual respect is that communication between the two people, in a divorce or other legal process, is more open and honest and more effective and efficient, which almost invariably leads to more potential options for settlement and better outcomes for both people.
Recently I did a radio interview about how divorce impacts children during the holidays. One of the first questions asked was, “Isn’t it true that divorce traumatizes children, especially during the holidays?” My response was that divorce is a crisis for a child, but parents can ensure that it doesn’t become a trauma.
A crisis fades to a painful but manageable memory, but a trauma feels life-threatening, and can reverberate throughout a lifetime. If a holiday becomes traumatic, a feeling of dread or deep sadness may accompany the holiday year after year. I’d like to share five things divorcing parents can do to help their children cope and find moments of holiday joy during a divorce.
The first is for parents to commit to de-escalating conflict to ensure their children are not put in the middle. This ideally involves both parents pushing the pause button on arguments, but even if only one parent opts to not engage in negativity and conflict, the atmosphere will improve around children. Parents need to be mindful to keep from being triggered, and this is good self-care during a divorce. I always recommend the book The Four Agreements to my clients to help them learn ways to disengage from conflict.
A second consideration concerns holiday gatherings of extended family or friends. Parents may need to set clear expectations that negative things will never be said about the other parent in the presence or hearing range of the children. Children should be encouraged and supported by both parents to enjoy holiday time and events with each parent and extended family.
A third way to support children during the holidays is to stay attuned to them and spend time with them doing things they enjoy. This is a good time to distill holiday celebrations to their essence, and not go into overdrive. If you are in the midst of a divorce, your emotional energy is likely depleted and you may be in crisis yourself. Keep things simple, but show your children they are loved with the gift of your attention and interest.
Fourth, it can help to honor the familiar while creating new holiday rituals. If co-parenting is harmonious enough, children may be soothed by maintaining a familiar ritual like decorating the tree, or gathering as a family for a couple of hours on Christmas morning to open stockings. Parents attending children’s school concerts or church pageants together can be similarly reassuring.
Finally, I help parents create We Statements during a divorce to provide explanations for their children in a clear, developmentally appropriate, non-blaming and authentic way. A We Statement detailing holiday plans in advance can help children prepare and know what to expect. We Statements are especially effective when prepared and shared jointly by both parents.
The following blog was written by Bruce Peck, a Collaborative Attorney.
Bruce can be reached at (952) 435-6799 and www.brucepecklaw.com.
Some injuries heal as effortlessly as skinned knees on children. Other injuries take longer, and leave scars. Some injuries are so severe they take years, decades or lifetimes to heal, if at all. These are the kind of injuries that happen all too frequently in the realm of divorce.
One of the most difficult things to do is to learn how to stop loving someone because they have stopped loving you. Sometimes the best dreams are followed by the worst nightmares. When truth and trust are both violated, the betrayal that can follow is among the most difficult things to heal.
While healing is not accomplished by everyone, the possibility of healing is available to everyone. Divorce is a seriously complicated circumstance, because in addition to the loss of the marriage the parties also have to work together, or against each other, to reach a final settlement. When hearts are broken, this can be extraordinarily painful. Falling in love can be awfully simple, but getting divorced is simply awful.
If only there was a process that could insulate parties from the damaging experience of a contested divorce. If only children could be protected from the resulting carnage that flows over their parents. If only there was a better chance to heal while going through the divorce process.
Well, there is. It is called collaborative divorce, and is promoted by the Collaborative Law Institute. Created here in Minnesota, now taught world-wide, this humane technology, honed over more than two decades through conscientious involvement by attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, has become a highly refined process that supports parties to heal through this challenging time.
It starts with the commitment of the Collaborative Law Institute to be and become a healing modality by providing rigorous training to all professionals. The resulting process is a container that insulates parties from the conflict while supporting them to reach principled decisions that become their final decree of dissolution.
But it goes well beyond that. Collaborative practice now includes the opportunity for parties take a break before launching into the legal process to assess each party’s readiness to engage in this process. Mental health professionals have become trained in a new paradigm, generally referred to as discernment counseling, which allows parties to talk about where each one is at as they start this process, and consider the possibilities of working on healing their relationship. This process is commonly referred to as reconciliation, which means, literally, healing, not necessarily returning to the marriage.
However, when parties are able to heal their relationship they are better able to consider ways in which they might be able to recreate a better marriage. It makes no sense to simply return to a marriage fraught with problems.
The primary requirement for such a process to take place requires the commitment of both parties to genuinely exam and explore options before moving forward with the divorce. When parties are unwilling or unable to process through these issues at the end of their marriage, they are left with the prospect of healing by conducting their personal and private autopsy of their marriage, with or without the help of a qualified counselor. This can be quite difficult to accomplish. It requires ethical integrity by each partner to commit to such an undertaking.
The collaborative process cannot heal the parties, but it can provide the process by which that possibility might take place. That is no small accomplishment under these circumstances.
Sometimes parties that heal their relationship might still decide to move forward with their divorce. When this happens, they are each in a powerful place to facilitate gathering the necessary information and reaching agreements to resolve all the issues. The stress upon each party is significantly reduced and the benefit to children is immeasurable. Usually the overall costs and expenses are reduced due to the ability of the parties to do the work necessary to reach conclusion.
It has been said that the Chinese character for crisis is two characters that mean dangerous opportunity. In our western society we are not taught instinctively to look for opportunity, but we know all too well what the dangers are. When we live only in fear we are not very adept at healing.
To learn more about this process, and to find professionals trained to provide these services visit us at www.collaborativelaw.org. 
Part 6: Selecting the right team for your family may be essential to the success of your Collaborative Divorce.
Collaborative Divorce is often a team process, in which you work with mental health professionals and financial neutrals, as well as with attorneys, to help you achieve the best outcome for your family. One of the keys to your success is selecting a team that can best meet the unique needs of your family.
Some divorcing couples and professionals prefer the standardized process in which the full team is assembled at the beginning of the case. In Minnesota, a full team generally consists of two attorneys, (one for each party); a child specialist (if there are minor children); a financial neutral and a divorce coach.
The advantage of assembling a full team (often described as the “Cadillac” of the Collaborative Divorce Process) at the very beginning is that you know that you have all of the necessary professionals on board, so that all of your family needs can be immediately addressed.
While you may be concerned about keeping your professional costs down, the full team process, if used efficiently, will not necessarily be more expensive. Working with the right professionals at the right time may actually reduce the conflict and, therefore, your overall costs. Perhaps more importantly, even if it does cost you a little more, getting a better outcome for your family may have incalculable benefits and may save you financial and emotional costs down the road.
Other families and professionals prefer what I will call the “customized team” model. In this model you and your spouse work together to decide exactly which team members you need to help address the unique needs of your family. This option allows you to put your dollars where they are most needed. For example, if you believe that you and your spouse need the most help in creating a parenting plan, you may wish to spend more of your money working with a child specialist. Similarly, if your difficulties lie primarily with finances or communication, you may wish to spend more time with a financial neutral or a divorce coach.
To learn more about the role of each professional and to get assistance in selecting the right team of professionals for your family, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.ousky.com . Part 4: Skilled attorneys are essential to a successful Collaborative Divorce.
A Collaborative Divorce is one in which the husband and the wife each retain a lawyer for settlement purposes only.
When attorneys are required to work for settlement only, it is critical that they have the skill to negotiate successfully without the threat of going to court. Attorneys are generally trained to advocate for clients through use of argument and a variety of legal strategies, including the threat of court. Collaborative Divorce removes those tools from their toolbox, requiring the attorneys to use other, less damaging, conflict resolution methods.
While the Collaborative Commitment–the agreement that the attorneys will withdraw if the matter goes to court–is designed to rein in some of these instinctive legal tactics, the withdrawal agreement by itself is not enough. If the attorneys are not skilled in helping clients achieve settlement without the use of arguments or threats, they may fall back on some of these old habits. In those situations, the Collaborative Commitment will not necessarily lead to better outcomes.
Collaborative negotiating skill is, in my humble opinion, a rarer and more difficult skill for attorneys than argument and threat. So, how do clients find attorneys who possess this skill? In general, it is a combination of research and intuitive judgment. Through research most clients can find attorneys in their community with training and experience in Collaborative Divorce. In addition, most Collaborative attorneys will provide either free or low cost consultations to allow clients to gauge, first hand, whether they have the commitment and skill required to help them achieve success in a Collaborative Divorce.
Finding the most suitable Collaborative attorney is, in many cases, only part of the equation. One of the great advantages of Collaborative Divorce is the ability to work with other professionals who are, in most instances, better suited to help clients achieve the best outcomes, and often at a lower cost. While divorce is a legal process, there are financial, parenting and communication elements that may, in the end, be more important and more complex than the legal elements. Having financial professionals and mental health professionals on the team that help clients achieve success in these areas, could be the most important factor in helping them achieve a better outcome.
This information will be discussed in the upcoming blogs. However, if you want information on this now, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and www.ousky.com.
Read Part 5, here. Part 3: Collaborative Divorce helps create better outcomes by requiring commitment at the beginning of the process.
A Collaborative Divorce is one in which the husband and the wife each retain a lawyer for settlement purposes only.
One of the reasons that the process works well is that it causes both parties to make the necessary commitment early in the process. Almost all divorce cases, (approximately 95%) settle out of court. However, too often the settlement comes after the parties are near the point of financial and emotional exhaustion, sometimes creating flawed settlements and resentment. Many people reach a point of committing to a settlement only when they are nearly out of money, or they are told by their attorneys or the judge that moving forward will not be successful. These reluctant settlements, while better than a trial, come at too great of a price and can lead to a rocky future for the family.
In a Collaborative Divorce, both parties and their attorneys sign a Participation Agreement at the beginning of the process that challenges clients to focus on commitment to settlement before they are financially and emotionally drained. Because both parties are asked to engage their attorneys for settlement purposes only, they are forced to think about their commitment to settlement at the very beginning of the case, and not “on the courthouse steps.” Both clients understand that each of them must make a commitment at the beginning of the process. Early commitment from each party leads to better settlements that are made before financial and emotional resources are fully exhausted.
Early and deep client commitment is a big part of why people often get better outcomes in a Collaborative Divorce, since skilled Collaborative Professionals can help them commit, not only to settlement, but to other important matters, such as improving skills in the areas of parenting, communication or financial acumen.
However, this is only a part of the equation. In order to be successful, committed clients need to be guided by professionals that are skilled in helping them achieve the best outcomes in this new environment. This information will be discussed in the upcoming blog. However, if you want information on this now, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.ousky.com.
Read on to Part 4 by clicking here Part 2: Having lawyers that are fully committed to settlement creates better outcomes.
A Collaborative Divorce is one in which the husband and the wife each retain a lawyer for settlement purposes only.
Hiring a lawyer for this defined purpose has some risk. The success of Collaborative Divorce is based on the fact that, in most cases, the benefits far outweigh the risks. In order to understand why this is true, let’s look at the basic risks and benefits.
Risk: At the beginning of the case, both parties and their lawyers sign a Collaborative Commitment stating that the lawyers must withdraw if either spouse decides to fight in court. Therefore, the Collaborative Commitment creates a risk that you will need to switch attorneys during the divorce process. Indeed, that is the very idea behind the commitment.
How significant is the risk? In my experience of around 500 Collaborative Cases, the parties have had to switch attorneys approximately 5% of the time. By comparison, in my experience practicing in the traditional model (cases where the lawyers can go to court), the parties switched attorneys, or the attorneys withdrew from representation for other reasons, almost 5% of the time. So, in reality, the risk that clients need to switch attorneys by starting in the Collaborative Process may not be significantly greater than in a non-Collaborative case.
Benefits: The most significant benefit from the Collaborative Commitment is that the attorneys are free to focus all of their attention on more creative settlements. Removing, or at least significantly diminishing, the threat of court, opens the door to interest-based negotiation. Instead of using argument, accusation and threats of court, which are taken off the table, the attorneys advocate for their clients by using creativity, empathy and the development of shared goals.
What clients seem to want, in almost all instances, is a form of advocacy (meaning protection of true interests), without creating animosity. In traditional practice, I sometimes felt like a bull in a china shop, unable to go in and help my client get what he or she truly needed, without risking damage to fragile, but important, things like the ability to co-parent and communicate effectively. Collaborative Divorce, by removing court as an immediate threat, allows me work to help my clients with far less risk to the relationship and other intangible goals.
Of course, the success of Collaborative Divorce can depend on more than just the Collaborative Commitment. Specifically, the best outcomes in Collaborative Divorce are achieved with a) a high level of commitment by the clients and 2) the skill of the professionals. The keys to success in those areas will be discussed in the next two blogs in this series. For immediate information in these areas go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
Check out Part 3 of this series, here. 
Working with children, I became a Harry Potter fan out of both necessity and real appreciation. J.K. Rowlings’ world of wizards and magic is a fantasy, but the themes of these books are human and real. Among the most frightening characters in Rowlings’ epic struggles of power and control, good vs. evil, are the Death Eaters and the Dementors.
The Death Eaters are those in the wizard world who have made a pledge to support Lord Voldemort, whose vision of total domination rather than peaceful co-existence has been distorted by his hate and rage, and obsession with destroying Harry Potter. The Dementors are the terrifying, soul-sucking wraiths who feed on fear. What a relief that Death Eaters and Dementors aren’t real and aren’t about us! But Rowlings has created a thought-provoking twist.
By the last book, Harry Potter has discovered that he and Lord Voldemort have much in common. Harry alone must determine whether he is capable of making the necessary sacrifice for the greater good of those who depend on him to be their champion. Harry must defeat the Death Eaters and Dementors by conquering his own fear and rage with selfless love. Harry is not perfect, he has made many mistakes and hurt the ones he cares about, but he has this gift within him waiting to be discovered at the time of ultimate crisis.
What I find compelling about the Harry Potter books is the mirror they hold to our world. In our humanity, we all find ourselves having to figure out how to resolve inevitable conflicts and manage strong negative emotions. Parents and children facing divorce are certainly living through an emotional crisis. The question is, do we let rage and fear drive and perhaps distort our actions, or do we seek another way, one that may ask us to sacrifice power and control for the greater good of those who depend on us to be their champions–our children.
Collaborative Team Practice is an alternative dispute resolution process using interest-based negotiation and problem solving to reach agreements and sustainable resolutions. On the team, allied and neutral professionals provide support and guidance to manage strong negative emotions, suggest creative and equitable financial resolutions, and negotiate safe, developmentally responsive parenting plans. It can be a highly effective way to help families transition respectfully during the crisis of a divorce.
We know Collaborative Team Practice may not be the right choice for all families. However, it is a process that will work for many families. Our belief is that reaching agreements rather than perpetuating conflict is truly the way to be champions for children in the age of Death Eaters and Dementors.