healing process Archives | Page 3 of 3 | Collaborative Law Institute

February 12, 2014

Watching the Winter Olympics, a commercial captured my attention. The ad included footage of Olympic athletes who fell while competing, thus failing to reach a goal for which they had trained intensely and prepared for years. Although elite athletes know there is no assurance of winning, their hearts can still break when their hopes and dreams are shattered after a fall before reaching the finish line. As you see in the commercial, the story didn’t end with failure. Each of the fallen athletes was shown years later, returning to give a winning performance. The theme of the ad was “there is always a second chance.” Though not every heartbreaking fall comes with a replay button, we know that life is a constant process of loss and renewal.

Those of us in the Collaborative divorce community are deeply attuned to the emotional event of a divorce. It is usually heartbreaking for all family members—the divorcing couple, their children and their extended families. It can certainly feel like a painful fall before the finish line of a marriage is reached. Hopes and dreams can feel shattered. We never want the story to end there.

Collaborative Team Practice is designed to help guide families making their transition through a painful time of loss with safety, respect, dignity and hope for the future. The Collaborative Team is comprised of professionals from many areas of practice:

Collaborative attorneys are skilled at listening deeply, helping clients set goals and engage in problem solving meetings that are non-adversarial in nature. Neutral Coaches work with clients to bring their best selves to problem solving meetings, and create a relationship plan with them if their future includes co-parenting their children. Neutral Financial Professionals generate creative options to help both clients come through their divorce on the best possible financial footing. Neutral Child Specialists meet with all family members, are supportive advocates for children in the family, and help parents create developmentally attuned parenting plans.

Like a skilled sports team, each member of a Collaborative Team understands his or her unique role in the interplay of helping clients reach their goals while feeling understood and supported in the process of getting unmarried. We believe in the process and promise of renewal after loss.

November 4, 2013

The following blog was written by Bruce Peck, a Collaborative Attorney. Bruce can be reached at (952) 435-6799 and www.brucepecklaw.com. Some injuries heal as effortlessly as skinned knees on children. Other injuries take longer, and leave scars. Some injuries are so severe they take years, decades or lifetimes to heal, if at all. These are the kind of injuries that happen all too frequently in the realm of divorce. One of the most difficult things to do is to learn how to stop loving someone because they have stopped loving you. Sometimes the best dreams are followed by the worst nightmares. When truth and trust are both violated, the betrayal that can follow is among the most difficult things to heal. While healing is not accomplished by everyone, the possibility of healing is available to everyone. Divorce is a seriously complicated circumstance, because in addition to the loss of the marriage the parties also have to work together, or against each other, to reach a final settlement. When hearts are broken, this can be extraordinarily painful. Falling in love can be awfully simple, but getting divorced is simply awful. If only there was a process that could insulate parties from the damaging experience of a contested divorce. If only children could be protected from the resulting carnage that flows over their parents. If only there was a better chance to heal while going through the divorce process. Well, there is. It is called collaborative divorce, and is promoted by the Collaborative Law Institute. Created here in Minnesota, now taught world-wide, this humane technology, honed over more than two decades through conscientious involvement by attorneys, mental health professionals and financial specialists, has become a highly refined process that supports parties to heal through this challenging time. It starts with the commitment of the Collaborative Law Institute to be and become a healing modality by providing rigorous training to all professionals. The resulting process is a container that insulates parties from the conflict while supporting them to reach principled decisions that become their final decree of dissolution. But it goes well beyond that. Collaborative practice now includes the opportunity for parties take a break before launching into the legal process to assess each party’s readiness to engage in this process. Mental health professionals have become trained in a new paradigm, generally referred to as discernment counseling, which allows parties to talk about where each one is at as they start this process, and consider the possibilities of working on healing their relationship. This process is commonly referred to as reconciliation, which means, literally, healing, not necessarily returning to the marriage. However, when parties are able to heal their relationship they are better able to consider ways in which they might be able to recreate a better marriage. It makes no sense to simply return to a marriage fraught with problems. The primary requirement for such a process to take place requires the commitment of both parties to genuinely exam and explore options before moving forward with the divorce. When parties are unwilling or unable to process through these issues at the end of their marriage, they are left with the prospect of healing by conducting their personal and private autopsy of their marriage, with or without the help of a qualified counselor. This can be quite difficult to accomplish. It requires ethical integrity by each partner to commit to such an undertaking. The collaborative process cannot heal the parties, but it can provide the process by which that possibility might take place. That is no small accomplishment under these circumstances. Sometimes parties that heal their relationship might still decide to move forward with their divorce. When this happens, they are each in a powerful place to facilitate gathering the necessary information and reaching agreements to resolve all the issues. The stress upon each party is significantly reduced and the benefit to children is immeasurable. Usually the overall costs and expenses are reduced due to the ability of the parties to do the work necessary to reach conclusion. It has been said that the Chinese character for crisis is two characters that mean dangerous opportunity. In our western society we are not taught instinctively to look for opportunity, but we know all too well what the dangers are. When we live only in fear we are not very adept at healing. To learn more about this process, and to find professionals trained to provide these services visit us at www.collaborativelaw.org.

August 29, 2013

Mindfulness is a concept that has become part of mainstream American culture over the past decade. Hectic lifestyles, information overload and constant distractions have led more of us to look for a way to quiet our minds. In fact, many public schools, professional athletes, large corporations, and even the U. S. military, are using meditation exercises to reduce stress levels. Divorce is one of life’s most stressful experiences. Often much attention is focused on the past and the future, triggering both unpleasant memories and fearful expectations. As someone who knows first-hand the benefits of daily meditation, I see great value in using mindfulness principles in my Collaborative divorce practice. Starting the divorce conversation respectfully sets the tone for a more purposeful process. Awareness that the parties are often in different stages of divorce readiness is important. Becoming unmarried may be something that one spouse has contemplated for many years, while the other considers the marriage’s rough spots to be normal. Jointly exploring available divorce process options can also reduce fear and surprise. Processes emphasizing guided conversations between the parties, such as Collaborative divorce and mediation, reduce the likelihood of miscommunication and empower parties to achieve mutually acceptable solutions. Intentionally choosing the timing and method for divorce together establishes a calmer tone for the road ahead. Having patience during the process results in healthier outcomes. The strong urge to get things done as quickly as possible is understandable. It seems that the sooner the divorce can be finalized, the sooner life will return to normal. However, the decisions to be made are life changing with long-term impacts on the entire family. Trying to move too quickly can result in replacing one bad situation with another. Slowing down and accepting the divorce experience for what it is can allow for a deeper understanding of the issues involved. Acknowledging the good and the bad of the marriage without judgment provides valuable insight. Identifying each party’s contributions during the relationship can help the healing process begin. Recognizing one’s own part in the failure of the marriage can provide valuable insight for future relationships. Letting go of bitterness and regret is essential to moving forward in life. For divorcing couples with children, accepting “what is” allows them to redefine their relationship and communicate more effectively in the future. The ending of a marriage is, unfortunately, an all-too-common event. However, if done mindfully, divorce can be an opportunity for personal transformation and growth.

August 12, 2013

How do you turn a divorce process into a healing process? By envisioning your highest goals for what you want to accomplish during the divorce and after the divorce has ended. This is what happens in a Collaborative Divorce process. Unlike the traditional divorce process where the focus is often what happened in the past, the collaborative divorce process focuses on the future.

At the commencement of a collaborative divorce, the divorcing couple identify and share their vision for a healthy divorce and a healthy life after divorce. Here are some of the visions couples have shared with me in my work as a Collaborative Divorce attorney.

Beth and Peter’s Vision Children

For our children to see us co-parent with each other in a non-conflictive way.
For us to live in close proximity to each other while raising our children.
For us to live in stable environments while raising our children.
For our children’s lifestyles to be affected as little as possible by our divorce within the resources available to us (e.g., emotionally and educationally; that we continue with the educational plans we have made for our children; that our children live in the same community).
For our children to have as much stability and security in their lives as they require.
For us to be fully involved with raising our children.

Financial

For both households to be financially resilient.
For us to develop independently in terms of financial security.
To have the flexibility in one’s work schedule to be present with the children as their schedules require.
For Beth to have the opportunity to explore educational, training, and other career opportunities with the goal of becoming financially independent.
To respect the financial decisions made by us and our families, including the decision of Peter’s family to leave him money.

Relational

For us to be in a co-parenting relationship our children can count on.
For us to be respectful of each other into the future.
For us to create a new, healthy family relationship with each other.
For us to look back on this difficult time in our shared life and be proud of how we handled a time of conflict and communicate it to our children when the time is right.

Erin and Matt’s Vision (no children)

That we have confidence in the decisions we make.
That we make a transition to a friendly relationship when completed with the collaborative divorce process.
That we have a feeling of peace and resolution.
That we have a positive financial outcome that meets both of our needs.
That we both have financial security.
That the emotional distress of the divorce is minimized.
That we are able to promote cordial relationships with each other’s extended family and mutual friends.
That we keep in mind the possibility that Erin will move out of the State.
That the settlement take into consideration Erin’s need to finish school.
That Matt is able to remain in the homestead and maintain a reasonable budget.
That Erin is able to purchase a modest home and meet her living expenses.

Jeff and Ann’s Vision

For our children not to feel divided.
For our children to feel comfortable with both of us.
For us to convey a sense of harmony to our children.
To have financial security for both of us.
To get along with each other after the divorce; to have mutual respect for each other; and to have a pleasant relationship.

Creating a vision of the future is the key to crafting settlements that achieve those visions. And so the healing begins.