Not all divorces are related to alcohol abuse, but the percentage is fairly high. I don’t have any scientific study, but my own experience of observing thousands of divorces over three decades, I have found that nearly half of all divorces involve, at minimum, allegations of some type of alcohol abuse. From observing the interactions in these cases, as well as working with professionals in these areas, here are the most important observations I have made:
If you think there is a problem, you are probably right.
If one party truly believes there is alcohol abuse in the marriage, there is a very high probability that they are right. Yes, it is true that divorce can lead to many false allegations, particularly if you are in an adversarial divorce. However, while divorcing couples often exaggerate most flaws of the other spouse, I have found that, largely because of co-dependency dynamics, many spouses actually under report alcohol abuse.
If your spouse thinks you have a problem, you certainly have a problem.
How can I be certain? Easy. First, as indicated above, if your spouse truly thinks you have a problem, there is a high probably they are right. Moreover, even if they are wrong, their belief that you have a problem is, by itself, a major problem. In either case, the solution often points to undergoing a thorough and honest alcohol assessment. If you can get at the truth, everyone wins.
A spouse stopping or cutting back alcohol use during the divorce proves little. Often the spouse believed to have an alcohol problem will either stop using alcohol or cut back on alcohol use as the threat of divorce draws near. While this may (or may not) be a welcome reprieve for the family, it generally means very little in terms of determining the existence of a problem. Indeed, most chemical dependency counselors see frequent failed attempts to stop or cut back as being one of the indicators of alcoholism. Moreover, for most alcoholics, stopping drinking does not necessarily end the alcoholic behavior.
Sometimes alcohol use during divorce can be “situational”.
Divorce usually does not come up suddenly, but rather creeps into homes over months or years. As it creeps closer, the sadness or fear can sometimes cause non-alcoholics to temporarily abuse alcohol during this difficult time. While temporary abuse of alcohol still has serious consequences the long-term impact can be quite different than addressing alcoholism.
If alcohol is an issue, you need a process in which honesty can be rewarded. Divorce processes differ. Traditional divorces that operate in the shadow of the courthouse can sometimes seem to punish honesty in the sense that the person suspected of alcohol abuse feels compelled to either deny or minimize the allegations for fear of losing time with their children. On the other hand, processes such as Collaborative Law or mediation, by operating outside of court, can provide a safe place where alcohol use can be addressed as a health issue and not as a piece of evidence. To learn more about these options go to
www.Collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
Parties going through a divorce need to understand that advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model and advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model are different; and advocacy in each of these models feels different as well. Bear with me while I examine Advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model in Part I in preparation for discussing advocacy in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model in Part II followed by the “power of neutrality” in Part III. Trust me, this is interesting.
In a rights-based model, “rights” are independent standards of fairness or legitimacy that are formally established in law or contract. Usually different rights or entitlements are at stake in a particular case. Here, each party and their attorney is playing to the decision-maker, e.g., the judge, or playing to a prediction of what the decision-maker would decide based on application of the law to the facts of the case.
Peace is possible though we are surrounded by high conflict. In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.” Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons. This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale. And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.
The end of a marriage is not unlike the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences. Is it possible to disconnect without civil war? Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle. Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and wellbeing of children.
I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility. In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace. We can elect to follow 
Every couple and every divorce is different. A divorce is often a complicated process involving emotional and financial elements. While there is no universal process for divorce, there are some common mistakes. Indeed, if a divorcing couple could avoid these mistakes, they would be very well on their way to a respectful process with the best possible outcomes.
1. It is a mistake to have unreasonable expectations. You will not “win” on every issue. In fact, a collaborative divorce results in mutually agreeable resolutions. The work is not about winning or losing, it is about working to come up in resolutions that are acceptable to both spouses. What matters is looking at the big picture and working toward a resolution together so that you don’t fall into the trap of seeing every decision as a win-loss issue.
2. It is a mistake to let your emotions rule you. A divorce is a very emotional process. This is understandable and a part of the process. During a divorce, you need to try and make decisions in your own best interest. Decisions out of anger or frustration may not be as long-lasting. Try to find a support network and a professional team to support you to make decisions that feel right and have long-standing value.
3. It is a mistake to not deal with your finances. An important thing to focus on is your finances. In addition to dividing up the financial assets/liabilities and property you have, it is important to think about the tax implications of your divorce. You want a support team in place that thinks about all of the financial necessities and comes up with workable and predictable resolutions that work.
4. It is a mistake to not consider a