Selling a home is stressful. Getting divorced is stressful. Combining the two events can seem extremely daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are five staging tips to ensure quicker, higher offers on your home.
- Curb Appeal. The outside of your home is the first impression a buyer will have. Keep the lawn mowed, and shrubs and flower beds cared for. A well maintained lawn and some fresh flowers can go a long way. If the outside maintenance was previously your ex’s responsibility, consider whether this is something you are able to take care of yourself or if you will need to hire out. With winter in the Midwest on the approach take snow removal into consideration as well.
- De-clutter. A divorce is a good time to de-clutter all areas of your home. Since you will be splitting up belongings anyhow, now is a great time to de-clutter, sell, donate and start fresh with only the clothing, furniture and decor that you truly utilize. Online garage sales are all the rave right now for selling belongings. A good rule of thumb is if you don’t want to move it, get rid of it now. Going through drawers and storage spaces to get rid of junk is one part of de-cluttering, but also removing items like small appliances and magazines from the countertops creates a cleaner looking spaces.
- Remove personal items. You have probably already began to do this as those old family photos might not be as appealing to have on your walls after your spouse has moved out. There are different schools of thought on this and your realtor will likely have their own opinion, but your tasteful, professional photos of the kids don’t necessarily have to go. Removing personal items can also help you begin to detach yourself from the house. Don’t forget to tuck away personal care items in your bathroom, which will simplify your countertops.
- Create neutral spaces. Pick up a paintbrush and tone down any bold color choices in favor of a more natural palette. The mustard yellow accent wall in your kitchen or those bubble gum pink walls in your daughter’s room may appeal to you, but toning them down will make your house more palatable for potential buyers and they will be able to envision their decor and taste in the house. Consider rearranging and/or removing some furniture to create more visually open and appealing spaces. If your ex is going to benefit from the sale of your home, be sure to discuss their involvement in the painting and handiwork as well.
- Lastly, consider the appeal your home has on the senses. What does it smell like? Avoid spray scents and instead bake bread or cookies. Open the blinds and curtains to let light in. Turn on the lights. Consider the temperature inside of your home. Whether it is summer or winter choose a temperature that is comfortable and invites people to stay and look at your home.
In addition to these staging tips you may want to consider having your home professionally staged. A survey from the National Association of Realtors found that the average staging investment is 1-3 percent of the home’s asking price, which generates a home staging return on investment of 8-10 percent. Discuss with your realtor if professional home staging is something you should consider, but don’t skip out on these five tips which are crucial to home selling!
It may be hard to believe, but 2014 is two-thirds of the way over. Did you set a new year’s goal that you have long forgotten about? Now is as good of time as any to set a new goal and hold yourself accountable. With the kids going back to school maybe you will be getting up extra early anyhow or have time after you drop them off at the bus stop to get a quick workout in? With schedules changing, now is the time to add a new health and fitness goal into your routine. With cooler temperatures and the leaves changing colors, fall is the perfect season to take up exercising outdoors.
Taking on a physical challenge, like running, after divorce is very common. It may be the desire to be in better shape, desire to prove to yourself that you can accomplish a goal, or maybe it’s just to pass the extra time you may now have, especially if you have children that are now being “shared.” Getting started in walking, running, or joining a gym not only boosts confidence, but it is also a great way to meet new friends. Do you need another great reason to start working out post-divorce? It’s a proven stress reliever, something everyone can benefit from.
Many fun fall runs around the Twin Cities have caught our eye recently – the Glo Run, Hot Chocolate run, Monster Dash, and turkey trots, oh my! Grab a friend, sign up together, and have fun doing it! You don’t have to be fast, it’s all about goal settling and doing something for YOU!
The kids might not be the only ones headed back to school this fall. Divorce forces many parents back into the workforce, and for some, even back to school. Divorce can initiate some dramatic changes in your lifestyle, and it make you re-evaluate yourself and your career. Some former stay at home parents are now looking for an enriching way to increase earning potential by going back for a degree they never finished, for a new degree, or for some it may be their first time in college. Divorce forces many people to take a risk, to do something for their selves, to strive for personal growth and to set goals, which is why many decide going back to school is a good option for them.
When evaluating if going back to school is the right option for you consider that your goals are: Are you hoping to begin a new career? Advance in your current career? How long will it take? What will you be able to earn when you are finished? Consider the cost: Ask your attorney about whether continuing your education post-divorce will affect your spousal maintenance. Check with your employer to see if they cover any of the cost. Discuss your financial situation at the college’s Financial Aid office to see if you may qualify for any grants or scholarships, and of course, compare tuition amounts for schools in your area.
Typically called, “non-traditional students” divorcees, over 35, and typically women, make up a good percentage for the student population at community, private, and online colleges, which usually offer flexible schedules and work at your own pace credit loads to graduate. It is not easy taking a risk and making a big commitment to go back to school, but if you decide that going back to school post-divorce is for you, rest assured that you are not alone.
It seems it’s nearly inevitable that at some point we all have a friend going through a divorce. The support we offer during that trying time can often set the precedence of the friendship going forward. The same holds true for someone battling a disease like cancer; whether you turn your back and quietly whisper or are brave enough to offer support shows not only the value or your friendship, but your true character.
So how can you help? First and foremost, be a good listener and offer emotional support. You don’t have to have all the answers, but listening intently and letting your friend know that you are there to listen or be a shoulder to cry on anytime, day or night, is important. Remind them that are worthy of happiness.
Constantly reassure them. Reassure them that a divorce is not a reflection of who they are. Reassure them that they are an amazing person, and that you are there for them whatever happens. Be aware of the divorce emotional cycle. Your friend will be feeling so many emotions that will constantly be changing. Reassure them that they have the right to their emotions and that healing is a long process that no one can put a timeline on. Have compassion and allow them their feelings and validate their need to process things in their own way. Remind them that divorce does not define a person.
Eating is probably not going to be at the top of their priority list, not to mention stomaching a full meal with a broken heart. Cooking for one is no fun, so providing them with small meals and healthy snacks can be helpful. Also if they have children to feed, providing meals they can quickly throw in the oven and not have to work about shopping and meal prep would be a huge help. Be adventurous – try a new food that you’ve never tasted before. Spice up your grocery list with 3 (healthy) new items to try.
Offer your friend a place to stay, help looking for a new house or apartment, moving help, etc. On top of possibly needing help physically packing or moving, ask if they need help getting things sorted out with bills, budgets, and finding a divorce support group.
Get out and about. Try new things. Say YES to something new. Activities are important. Take a walk together, try out a new restaurant, summer outdoor concerts, go for a bike ride, try out a new sport, and stick to the ones you love. Every day, learn at least 3 new words of a language you admire. Create a bucket list. Write down your biggest dreams – and take little steps in making them happen.
Be a positive part of their life. Offering support doesn’t have to mean spouse bashing, simply listening when they need to talk and planning activities to help them take their mind off things for a bit can be a world of help. Find the joy in the everyday.
The school year brings on new challenges as flexible summers come to a close and more demanding schedules begin. If you are like most parents of school age children, not only are the kids going back to school, but the activities and sports schedules also start to pile on. Here are our top 10 tips for co-parenting that will save your sanity this school year.
- Fine turn your parenting plan NOW. Don’t wait until the middle of September after a few hiccups have ready occurred.
- Who’s paying for what? If you haven’t already sat down with your ex to discuss this go grab coffee and decide who is paying for school supplies, clothes, school fees, daycare/afterschool care, sports and activities fees, etc. Map this out now to prevent an argument later.
- Revisit and outline who has custody for which holidays this school year. Spring break may seem like a lifetime away right now, but now is the time for those discussions.
- It’s inevitable – kids get sick. Make sure you are on the same page with a plan in place on who will stay home or pick up the sick child. Will you rotate, do it based on who has custody that day? You decide what works best, and plan for flexibility, but don’t wait until you are on the phone with the school nurse to decide.
- Speaking of sick kids, assuming which parent providing medical insurance is already set, decide who is going to pay the uninsured medical costs, co-pays, etc.
- Run-down of your regular weekly schedule, which provides appropriate time for each parent. Does is work better for Mom to pick up Matt after soccer practice and take him to Dad’s even though it’s Dad’s night? Parenting schedules will never be black and white, so plan for some flexibility, while preparing for multiple scenarios.
- Transportation. Discuss who is driving to school, activities, drop offs, pick-ups etc. Will you be meeting half way to drop off/pick up or at each other’s houses. Are each other’s spouses/significant others “approved” to do so?
- Saving for college. Whether there is no money is the budget to save and the “plan” is to wait 2 years to start, or one or both of you can start now, decide who, how much and where the money is going to: savings account, 529 College Saving account, etc.
- Introducing new significant others into the mix. Make sure this is discussed now before feelings are hurt later on when mom unexpectedly meets dad’s new girlfriend at pick-up or find out that the kids meet a new boyfriend without dad knowing.
- Communication. Last, and the most important tip is communication. The communication you have with your ex will ultimately reflect the relationship you have with your kids. It may not come easy, but continuing to improve communication is best for all parties.
Recently Daisy Camp received a letter from a 2007 Daisy Camp graduate, Karen. We appreciate hearing divorce success stories and thought Karen’s is a great one to share as proof that, “everything happens for a reason.” Even in your darkest days of divorce, always remember there are brighter days ahead. Her letter is reprinted below with her permission.
Jennifer, I wanted to let you know what you do is important. I was at the lowest point in my life in 2007, after a 22 year marriage to my high school sweetheart and two kids, he left me for a women 15 years younger than me. I was devastated and had no idea what to do. That’s when I came across Daisy Camp. I attended the Saturday all day session and the most important thing I took away from it was the fact that I wasn’t alone and other women were going thru something similar. I received a lot of information that day and received some great advice that helped me navigate the legal process as well as give me the strength to get up every morning and “fight back for my life.”
Well, here I am 7 years later, my children are now young adults and living on their own. Following the divorce, I went thru counseling and joined a separation and divorce support group through my church. Through a Catholic dating website I met a wonderful guy who went through the same experience as me. In fact, we were both married and divorced the same year, both have two boys, our oldest sons have the same name and our birthdays are just 6 days apart. We bought a beautiful house in the country and I have a new life. I have made a lot of new friends and have a job that is challenging yet fun.
Thank you for having the courage to start a resource like Daisy Camp to help other women!!
On a side note, my Ex and his girlfriend just had a baby in December. I laugh when I hear that he is doing feeding and diaper changes at the age of 51 while I’m enjoying a glass of wine and sitting next to a fire reading a book and realizing that everything happens for a reason!
Karen, A 2007 Daisy Camp Graduate
I received a text message the other day from a friend asking if I heard that mutual friends of ours had filed for divorce. I was not surprised to receive this news as it was a long time coming, however, I was surprised that the driving point of the text was how “ugly” the divorce was going to get. With three little girls between the ages of 6 and 12, ugly is the last thing they need.
The exchange made me recall an email that we received at
Daisy Camp a few months ago. The women had used one of the best divorce attorneys in the Twin Cities and had been out for blood. It look her five years post-divorce to realize that she wanted to “get better, not bitter,” and that the payback that she was seeking in her divorce would never take away the broken heart or help her to heal. 5 years later she realized that no divorce concessions would have justified as payback, but what she was actually seeking was healing.
It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the divorce and not realize that the amount of money, division of property, child support, spousal maintenance (alimony), or the amount of child custody time that is “won” won’t mean a thing if it come at the cost of the relationship if your children. Which is why more and more couples are seeking to
divorce collaboratively these days. No one wins in divorce, but you have a lot to lose when a divorce gets ugly.
Sometimes what comes after the “C-word” can unfortunately be the “D-word” – divorce. The incidence of divorce/separation is unfortunately quite high after one partner has been diagnosed or is in some stage of battling cancer. If you are a woman, the odds are even less in your favor – according to a study, by the Max Planck Institute, on the effect cancer has on the divorce rate, “21 percent of female cancer patients end up divorced or separated after a cancer diagnosis.”
Both a cancer diagnosis and a divorce cause such emotional devastation. You rarely think that either of these things will ever happen to you; these are things that “happen to other people.” Nancy Cox, a healing coach with the Virginia Piper Cancer Institute, sees the parallels between sitting, angst-ridden, in a doctor’s office and sitting, angst-ridden, in a lawyer’s office. “They both trigger every difficulty you’ve ever faced in your life,” Cox said.
The question then becomes why? Why are so many marriages destroyed by cancer? Maybe the marriage was struggling in the first place, but often times simply the stress of cancer itself can divide a perfectly good marriage. Reassessment goes both ways in a relationship and some marriages can’t handle all the stresses and strains that cancer can bring. Dealing with a diagnosis of cancer can certainly magnify certain feelings already present, as well as create new feelings of uncertainty due to dealing with cancer itself.
Big challenges like cancer, a life changing accident, other major illness, infertility, or a child with disabilities, can either bring you closer together or tear you apart. Cancer changes a person and emotionally you are in a different place after having the cancer. Sometimes fighting a battle like cancer proves to a person just how strong they are and perhaps now have the strength to leave a marriage that wasn’t quite right to begin with.
Whether it’s cancer or divorce, a good starting point is to begin rallying your troops around you. Call your closest family and friends and break the news to them. Then seek out the best professionals to guide you through, whether it’s the top divorce lawyer in town, or the best oncologist. Seeking therapy is a good idea both during and after. Both cancer and divorce also offer the potential for healing. “Any crisis creates opportunity, if one can re-frame it and get the level of support needed to have that happen,” Cox said. Once you battle cancer, divorce, or both, you are forever a survivor.
Becoming friends with your ex? Or even friends with your ex’s new boyfriend/girlfriend? Do these friendships sound impossible to attain? Perhaps there is something to be learned from the infamous Tiger and Elin Woods’ divorce. Elin recently went on vacation with Tiger, their two kids and Tiger’s current girlfriend, Olympic skier, Lindsey Vonn. The modern blended family – where friendships, and even vacationing together can happen successfully.
If befriending seems like a long-shot for you, try to put bitterness and grudges aside when you consider that new boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses will be around your children, whether you like it or not. Co-parenting is not easy, and it will take time and effort to find the right grove in your new lives. Daisy Camp recently hosted a co-parenting workshop at the Collaborative Alliance, titled “One Bridge to Peace,” where co-parenting tools were provided that allow even one willing, caring parent, to relate peacefully with even the most bitter and contentious co-parent.
Depending on how newly divorced you are, joining each other on vacations may seem like a long-shot, but remember, even introducing yourself and keeping the lines of communication open with you ex’s new companion can go a long way. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll find yourself vacationing in the Bahamas or at Disney with your ex!
Dogs have long been known for their ability to have healing effects on the sick, but did you know that adopting a dog while going through the divorce process can provide another wonderful form of therapy? Whether getting a new puppy or adopting a dog, there is value in adding a furry companion to your life. Man’s (or woman’s) best friend alleviates that empty feeling you may now be experiencing when you walk in the door at night.
Divorce often time leaves you feeling unwanted, just like many of those dogs at the shelter, which makes that canine even more relatable. Perhaps that dog came to the shelter from a divorced family herself. It has been proven that people benefit from interacting with canines. Simply petting a dog can decrease levels of stress hormones, regulate breathing, and lower blood pressure. Research also has shown that petting releases oxytocin, a hormone associated with bonding and affection, in both the dog and the human. Dogs respond to human emotions, and seem to know just when their companion needs a little extra loving.
A dog, or other animal, can also be helpful for children coping with a divorce. Research shows that a dog can be therapeutic for a child experiencing a divorce crisis. A pet teaches a lot about coping skills, at a time when their parents may not coping very well. Cuddling up to a dog or other critter can be calming, and teaching a dog a new trick can be rewarding.
If you are looking for a constant companion, who will help reduce your stress levels (and won’t talk back!), adding a new furry friend to your home may be a good divorce healing solution for you.
