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56195395Collaborative law requires experienced professionals and clients willing to work together to find resolutions for their family law matters. It is a unique, non-adversarial process that provides an alternative to a traditional, litigation. It is a respectful process that depends upon four main tenants.
  1. Full Disclosure. In a collaborative law both parties provide all information relevant to the case. There are no formal discovery processes – no time or money spent on depositions or document requests. Both parties provide everything needed – if someone needs more, they ask and agree to disclose it. Both parties must have all the information they need to generate options and make decisions.
  2. Confidential Process. The information discussed an the options generated are confidential and shall not be disclosed until final resolutions are reached. Divorce is not a confidential process by default. Indeed, the court process is quite transparent. In collaborative, however, the information discussed and shared is not disclosed until the very end. This provides for a more thorough process overall.
  3. Neutral Experts. All experts shall be neutral. They will be chosen by both parties together (often recommended by other professionals) and operate in an on-adversarial manner. Their expertise benefits both parties.
  4. Professionals Limited in Representation. The collaborative professionals on a case can only work in one role – settlement. The professionals cannot represent you in any other matter and in any other capacity. Your collaborative attorney cannot represent you in a court process. A mental health professional (child specialist or coach) cannot provide therapy. And the financial neutrals cannot also solicit your financial planning business. Everyone has one purpose and one role – to help you find collaborative resolutions.
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183366754This time of year (between Thanksgiving and Christmas/Hanukkah) can bring extra challenges for couples going through divorce.  Here are some things to keep in mind if you are in the middle of the process.
  1. Focus on the positives. Even though there may be conflict and pain, keeping a positive outlook and good attitude can help the holidays feel less tense. Fake it if you need to – sometimes the “pretend” attitude will actually make things feel easier.
  2. Keep the children out of the conflict. If you have children try and make the holiday special for them by avoiding conflict. If you need to work with a counselor or child specialist in order to make it through the holiday, do so. Whatever you can do to make the children feel special will is important for their well-being.
  3. Take part in tradition if you can, otherwise, bow out gracefully. Take part in traditions and family events if you can comfortably. Sometimes, the discomfort is too great. Instead of fighting through it, you can avoid the conflict and let people know “I am not comfortable attending, but wish you all the best.”
  4. Remember how you spend this holiday does not need to be precedential for future holidays. Talk to your attorney or family specialist on parenting time schedules and holiday planning. While you are In the middle of the process, you may agree to temporary parenting schedules to try out certain arrangements to give the children consistency during the process.  More permanent arrangements can be made later.
  5. Find comfort in your spiritual beliefs. If you are religious or have a faith-based practice, utilizing those resources and beliefs can be helpful in difficult times. Sometimes thinking about the meaning behind holidays can be more meaningful and enjoyable, than the celebrations.
  6. Set new traditions. The holidays during a divorce may be the first opportunity to try new things. Maybe it is the first year you cook the turkey or maybe you start a new Christmas Eve tradition if your parenting schedule allows for it. This may be an exciting opportunity.
  7. Be kind. Whatever your religious beliefs, holidays are often about love, kindness, and celebration. Spreading cheer may help you to feel better and may make the world around you a little brighter. Such positive energy may be just what you need to get a lift during the holidays.
Many people going through divorce feel the first holiday season is the most difficult. While your family structure may be changing, how you behave and the part you play in the holidays can lead to satisfaction and joy. Reach out to your collaborative attorney or specialists to learn more.
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155350102This time of year, it is often important to consider the tax implications of filing for divorce. In both federal and state taxes in Minnesota, you cannot file jointly if you are divorced before the end of the year. If your divorce is finalized in 2014 (signed off by the Judge, not just filed), you are deemed divorced and can only file separate, individual returns. If you hold off and divorce in the beginning of 2015, you can still file jointly for 2014. Everyone’s financial situation is different. Whether or not it is financially beneficial to file jointly or separately in any given year varies with each couple. However, some things to consider regarding taxes include:
  • Spousal maintenance payments (deductible to the payer and income to the recipient)
  • Distribution of any investments or retirement distributions are often taxable
  • Property taxes and interest on mortgages may be shared or their benefit maximized with one or the other claiming the deductions
  • If filing separately, status of Head of Household or Single may impact the tax burden
  • How to utilize dependency exemptions
You should consult with your tax planner on the financial implications of divorce date. If you decide it is better to wait to divorce until 2015, you can still sign and finalize your decree this year – you should just hold off on filing it. The agreements are binding but you may be able to maximize your tax benefit. A good collaborative divorce attorney and financial neutral can assist in reviewing these implications as well.
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106905872I heard an advertisement on the radio this morning for a litigating divorce attorney. This attorney discussed the importance of removing the emotion from divorce and treating the divorce itself as a business transaction.  I understood her point – emotions can be messy or interfere with rational decision making. However, emotion is often the biggest part of divorce. Or, it often feels that way to clients. How can we ask clients to strip that piece out of the process? Rather, as a collaborative attorney, I believe that emotion can be used to healthily guide clients to mutually agreeable resolutions that have long-term staying power. I embrace the opportunity to take the client where they are at – emotions and all – and guide them towards resolution. Engaging a mental health professional or coach in the process can sometimes be the greatest asset provided to clients and allow them to balance the emotions with the necessary business-like decisions. Treating a divorce as a business transaction often leads to client’s making decisions for purely financial reasons. Using emotions and feelings of fairness or equity may lead to clients feeling as if the resolutions more completely address their needs. For example, if one spouse cheated on the other, an emotional response of anger or vindication may lead to the hurt spouse to ask for more financial pay-out. This sort of punitive outcome is not supported in the law and rarely agreed to out-of-court. However, if the parties have a co-parenting relationship or more emotional needs, a purely business-like interaction may never address some of the underlying emotions. Facilitating a discussion about how both parties are feeling and what they may need in order to move forward may been more beneficial to the clients than any financial resolution. Some clients want an apology or a better understanding of why something happened. Others may need to put in effort to establish a shared narrative or story for others. The finances matter – sometimes most of all. The collaborative process embraces the financial side of divorce, but also allows for a more holistic and complete approach that can address emotions, if the clients so desire.
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466032689Divorcing parents often wonder how vacations are treated in a parenting plan. There are often three types of vacation options addressed in divorce.
  1. Vacation during parenting time. Often parents are each allowed to take unlimited vacations during their scheduled parenting time. There may be additional requirements to notify the off-duty parent of any travel or certain vacations that are not agreed to generally. But because these vacation do not impact parenting time, they are usually the simplest to address.
  2. Vacation with the children that includes off-duty parenting time. Some parents agree to some amount of time for vacations that are longer than parenting time blocks. One or two weeks a year often fits for families. These vacations may include travel out-of-state or be contiguous time in town. Usually both parents have the same amount of time and there is often a notice requirement – that the parent wanting a vacation informs the other parent of the planned vacation.  This time often supersedes regularly scheduled parenting time and is not made up at a later date.
  3. Vacation without the children that includes no-duty parenting time. Sometimes parents agree to include vacation time without the children in a parenting plan. This allows a parent to have time away while the other parent takes on more parenting time. This vacation time is also usually equally provided to both parents and includes a notice requirement.
In all of these options, it is often a good idea to not inform the children of a proposed vacation until it has been agreed-upon by both parents. Obviously, these options address only the parenting time elements of vacation and not the financial significance of vacations. Vacations and travel may be included in budgets and support options or other financial agreements can be reached or discussed in the divorce process.
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174496060It is not uncommon for parents to disagree on school choice. Sometimes parents have differing opinions on the curriculum of a school or certain teachers or even location or class schedule. When children are at natural school moves (such as entering junior high or high school), additional changes need to be made. When parents are divorced, these decisions can often be even more difficult. In addition to deciding what’s best for the children, emotions and challenging communication can make the decisions even harder. Sometimes it is good to look at the practical and logical considerations to help make these joint decisions. Here are some specific considerations in a school decision:
  • If it is not a natural school change point, how well do the children deal with change? Do they make friends easily? Do they know anyone at the potential new school? Are there specific elements of the new school that would be particularly enjoyable for the child (such as an orchestra or specific extra curricular activity)?
  • How well does the new school deal with change? Do they have programs in place to integrate transfer students into school? Is there anyone who has transferred into the school recently that you or the children could talk to in order to prepare? Could the school assign your children mentors or buddies to help them feel more comfortable if they transfer?
  • How would a school change impact parenting time? Will both parents still have meaningful time with the children?
  • Should the children have some say in this decision? Junior high and high school students may want to visit potential schools and provide some input on the change.
Ideally, divorced parents with joint custody can work together and make a school choice together. If it becomes difficult or starts to cause any stress or strain on the children, consider seeking third party support. A neutral child specialist or collaborative process could help you work together on a decision.
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184951937If you changed your last name when you married, you may want to change your name in the divorce. If you choose to change your name after your divorce, it is often easiest to include the name change in the paperwork filed with the court. You would ask the court to include a finding in your divorce papers stating that you will be returning to your former last name. Some women choose to go back to their maiden names after a divorce. Or, you can take this opportunity to create a new last name. Whichever new name you choose, you would submit a request to the judge handling your divorce proceedings to note in the judgment that you are requesting a name change. Then the judge will issue an order that you can use to change your name on your driver’s license, social security card, bank accounts and other financial documents. If you do not have a name change as part of your divorce order, you must file a separate document, called a petition, for name change with the court. However you obtain the order from the Court, you will need to request several copies to keep with you in order to change your name on your accounts and drivers license. Be sure to change your name with the Internal Revenue Service and your state and local tax authorities so that your tax issues are not affected. You should change your name on your social security card and with the Secretary of State so you can vote. If you have a passport, that will need to be changed as well. Finally, you should be sure to update your name in your will, Powers or Attorney, healthcare directives or any trusts you have in place. Let your insurance companies and medical/dental providers know of your new name as well. Your employer should also know of your new name. Know that it takes time to plan name changes so you should give yourself lots of time to figure out the specifics of your name change.
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176725719Every couple and every divorce is different. A divorce is often a complicated process involving emotional and financial elements. While there is no universal process for divorce, there are some common mistakes. Indeed, if a divorcing couple could avoid these mistakes, they would be very well on their way to a respectful process with the best possible outcomes. 1. It is a mistake to have unreasonable expectations. You will not “win” on every issue. In fact, a collaborative divorce results in mutually agreeable resolutions. The work is not about winning or losing, it is about working to come up in resolutions that are acceptable to both spouses.  What matters is looking at the big picture and working toward a resolution together so that you don’t fall into the trap of seeing every decision as a win-loss issue. 2. It is a mistake to let your emotions rule you. A divorce is a very emotional process.  This is understandable and a part of the process. During a divorce, you need to try and make decisions in your own best interest. Decisions out of anger or frustration may not be as long-lasting. Try to find a support network and a professional team to support you to make decisions that feel right and have long-standing value. 3. It is a mistake to not deal with your finances. An important thing to focus on is your finances. In addition to dividing up the financial assets/liabilities and property you have, it is important to think about the tax implications of your divorce.  You want a support team in place that thinks about all of the financial necessities and comes up with workable and predictable resolutions that work. 4. It is a mistake to not consider a collaborative divorce. It is important to recognize that there are various process options available to you in a divorce. Even if both parties in the divorce want nothing but for the marriage to end, it is important to remember that your situation is as unique as your marriage was. A collaborative divorce may work best for you and your spouse. It will allow you to work together to determine how the marriage will end, how your assets will be divided and how child custody will be decided. This type of dissolution isn’t solely for couples who are parting amicably and have little to divide; many couples work with each other collaboratively during a divorce so that the have control of the process and how to settle property and custody issues.
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Former litigators who now practice exclusively collaborative law have varied reasons for that decision. Many revolve around better outcomes for clients or more peaceful processes. A reason that is less commonly talked about is the well being of the practitioner. A litigated divorce is often ripe with conflict and animosity. There is built in adversity and the very structure often leads to more anger and frustration. And, this is between the clients who are only going through this once. A divorce lawyer or other divorce professional deals with hundreds of these cases. They are often in the middle of many divorces and the animosity and anger can take a toll. A collaborative divorce, on the other hand, can be a more positive and less stressful experience. It is an out-of-court, non-adversarial process. The pacing of a collaborative divorce is controlled by the parties so no one is at the whim of a court’s schedule. Clients in collaborative divorce maintain control of the outcomes. Discovery (exchange of information) is done in an informal manner with full disclosure of whatever either party requests.  Because of these reasons and more, some collaborative professionals find a higher level of satisfaction and well-being in their work. Now, some may wonder why a potential client should care about their lawyer’s well-being? The professionals on a collaborative team are the guides and support for clients. A client going through divorce wants an attorney who is in the best position to guide them through that process. Collaborative divorce is a more respectful and peaceful option for clients. It is the same for the professionals. Doctor martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “The happier we are, the better we work.” I stopped litigating cases for many reasons. My personal well-being may be the most important one.
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156062412People commonly worry about telling their spouse they want a divorce. It is obviously a difficult conversation to have.  Some people are scared of the outcome or don’t want to hurt someone they care about. Other people just don’t know what words to use. People may also worry that their spouse will pressure them into making a different decision. People choose to address this situation in different ways. The way this message is communicated can greatly impact how the process goes and even what the resolutions may be. Here are some things to keep in mind when telling your partner you want a divorce. 1. Divorce readiness may take time. It is not uncommon for two spouses to be at different points in readiness for divorce. One spouse may want the divorce to happen right away and the other may wish it never happens. Be patient with your partner and know, that you can have a divorce in Minnesota no matter (no fault state), but sometimes patience with where your spouse is at may lead to better outcomes in the end. 2. Know there are process options. People often think they need to be ready to proceed with a litigated divorce as soon as they tell their spouse. That is not always the case. Know there are different ways to move through the process and one in particular, collaborative divorce, allows for flexibility on timing. You can pace the process in a way that works for both of you without a court intervening. 3. Discernment counseling can help. Sometimes, once a couple begins to talk about divorce, they start to question whether or not it is the best option. Discernment counseling is a specialty therapy that helps couples where one or both are considering a divorce, or are ambivalent about the future of their relationship. 4. Empathy is often the hardest part. Undoubtedly, when divorce is on the table, things haven’t been going well. There are often hard feelings between the spouses and that is not likely to change just with initiating divorce. However, the ability for one person to consider things from the other’s shoes can go a long way in healing. Try to demonstrate some sort of empathy when you have this talk – say things like “I know this is hard” or “I could understand if you feel surprised/angry/scared.” This may help lower the conflict and help initiate the divorce process in a respectful way.