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flowerIn the early days of separation and divorce you may find the idea of growing from your divorce difficult to believe. You may be in a state of depression or denial wondering how your life will carry on, much less that you will grow from this life change. It may be difficult to find the silver lining, yet the simple truth is that you can (and will) grow from this. You may or may not have had much of a choice in whether or not you are getting a divorce, but you DO have a choice whether to grow up or grow down through this process. In a bad or difficult marriage it is easy to see how a person might grow from getting a divorce, but all divorces bring the opportunity for growth. Your divorce will likely change the way you view the world. Your life may be functioning completely different than before. Maybe you are having to look for a new career or add a part time job to make ends meet, or maybe you’ve been out of the workforce for years and your divorce is forcing you back in. Maybe you’ve had to move to an apartment or back in with your parents or a friend. Maybe your kids are at a new school as a result of your divorce. Maybe your entire social circle has now changed. It’s how you view these changes and react to your new normal, that promotes growth. Growth from your divorce can appear in a number of ways. Emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc. Even something as simple as learning a new skill that your spouse had always managed like trimming the shrubs, or online bill pay. Spiritually your faith might deepen or may struggle as you get through some trying times. Emotional growth may take a bit longer. There may be some dark and difficult days before you start to grow emotionally, but slowly it will happen. Your priorities will change and grow. If you have shared custody with your children you will likely start to value your time together all that much more. Some things that were priorities during your marriage may no longer hold a significance to you. Growth after divorce becomes a way to cope. Growth after divorce becomes a way to survive. Growth after divorce becomes empowerment. Growth after divorce becomes a new, better you.
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blog picWhile researching for this post, I came across a number of divorce-related blogs.  The blog medium provides an efficient and concise opportunity to share information and educate the public.  This blog focuses on the collaborative process — where clients commit to an out-of-court, non–adversarial process. Here are some other blogs that may provide additional information as you navigate the divorce process:
  • Jeff Landers writes in Forbes Magazine about complex financial issues that women face in divorce.  He is a Certified Divorce Financial Planner who has extensive experience with high asset divorces.  His blog is informative and financially savvy.
  • Divorced Girl Smiling is a personal blog written by a woman during – and now after her divorce.  It is a personal account of her experience, as well as a gathering of resources for others who may be going through the same thing.  The archived blogs provide a great path through the litigation process, and provides some insight into why a non-adversarial approach may be better.
However you choose to get advice, being armed with information and prepared for the process can help you feel confident and ready for the transitions that come with divorce. There is a lot of information available online, if you know where to find it.
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blog picYou may remember the “Death and Dignity Act” which was brought to light in the fall of 2014 by the young advocate with terminal brain cancer, Britney Maynard. Britney was a beautiful, well educated, 29 year old, who moved to a different state so that when the time came she could legally decide when to end her life, so that she could leave this world with her dignity intact. Dignity is defined by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary as “a way of appearing or behaving that suggests self-respect and self-control.” No, divorce is not a death sentence. What is important, however, is divorcing with dignity. A divorce brings out a range of emotions which will seem to take over your life. It is possibly to divorce respectfully, you’ll find a gamut of blogs here regarding divorcing collaboratively, but keeping your dignity intact throughout a divorce, especially with an uncooperative spouse can prove to be difficult. Here are our top three tips for divorcing with dignity:
  1. Focus on YOU. Especially in a divorce with children involved, YOU may be the last person on your mind. Whether that means you forget to eat, have no energy to cook dinner so you find yourself going through the drive through 5 days a week, or maybe you find yourself turning to alcohol for a stress release; retaining your health will help you to maintain your dignity during your divorce. Even if you’ve never ate healthy or worked out, now is the perfect time to start. Put down that glass of wine or bowl of ice cream, and go for a walk, starting is the hardest part. Give yourself the gift of extra confidence and energy during this difficult time, you will be thankful that you did.
  1. Work with the hand you’ve been dealt. The old “turn lemons into lemonade” theory. We posted a great quote on our Facebook page a few weeks ago that really resonated with people, “When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where your power is.” Stop focusing on what could have/should have happened, and start focusing on what IS happening. Focus on HOW you are handling the situation. Understand that this is new territory for yourself, and don’t be afraid to find a mentor or even a therapist to help guide you through this uncharted territory.
  1. Remembering your ex is human, and so are you. It’s easy to forget the details along the way that led to your divorce, especially if there was a major “final straw” that ended it. Marriages are hard work, and often times neither party is giving 100%. For you to maintain your dignity, you must accept that you are just as human as the next person, your ex included. Sometimes having to forgive someone who may not deserve forgiveness is vital to maintain your own dignity.
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150954514-african-american-businesswoman-looking-at-gettyimagesNearly every celebrity seems to have a divorce under their belt, but what about our local public figures – our children’s teachers, our mayors, city councilmen – how does the pubic feel about “those” public figures when they are facing divorce? About midway through the year I had noticed my daughter’s teacher’s name on Facebook (we have mutual friends) going from FIRST MARRIED to FIRST MARRIED MAIDEN, and I thought a divorce must be imminent. Admittedly my first thought was how a divorce might affect her teaching abilities for MY child. Selfish? Perhaps. Or are those type of reactions expected with public careers? Her private life is certainly none of my business, but is it easy to check your feelings at the door? Certainly not. The University of Minnesota is currently doing a study on the impact of divorce on a person’s career. Those results will be interesting to see, especially as there are careers can have a big impact on the public sector. Some may say that their divorce was the best thing that ever happened to their career. Perhaps work was a necessary distraction as their marriage crumbled at home. But on the other hand some people admit that they simply could not focus at work with their marriage on the rocks. Sometimes people can attribute their careers to actually being the CAUSE of their divorce. A husband that travels all week, a wife who tends bar on the weekends, a stay at home parent who never gets a break, and more often than not, simply the demands and stress of a person’s career can tear apart a marriage. Some careers are statistically at a higher risk for divorce, almost as if divorce is beyond their control. A few months later as school was coming to a close I noticed my daughter’s teachers name on social media is now: FIRST MAIDEN. Admittedly, my feelings changed from worrying about the affect her divorce would have on my own daughter to feeling horribly sympathetic towards her and her own children. As I leaned more I realized her husband holds a local political office and I began to wonder about the effects the divorce may have on his political career. It’s important to remember that everyone is human, divorce does not define a person, and even if you feel like your divorce is in the spotlight, remember that this too shall pass. Please share your thoughts about public divorces in the comment section below.
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As a collaborative attorney, I am often asked “what would a court do?”  Although parties in a collaborative divorce are not asking the court to make decisions in their case, what the law is and how a court may view an issue is important.  It is part of the information that a client needs to understand to truly make a decision in their own best interest. I recently attended an education series with local judges to gain an understanding of the current state of the law. In the second part of this 2 part series, I outline some of the factors a court may consider in making litigated decisions. On property division and cash flow, here are some of the considerations:
  • When dividing assets and liabilities, the courts often begin with an accounting and confirmation of all real estate, accounts, retirement assets, investments,  stock options, inheritances,  gifts,  debts,  personal property, vehicles, and all other possessions.
  • The courts have to differentiate between marital property that was created or acquired during the marriage and non-marital property that should stay with one party.  Non- marital property may include assets from before marriage,  gifts or inheritances, and student loans.
  • Non-marital property stays with the receiving party.  Marital property is divided equitably. This is often interpreted as equally,  although there are some exceptions if the outcome is deemed unfair.
  • Division of property is a separate question from cash flow (child support and spousal maintenance).
  • Child support in court is often calculated with the guidelines based on percentage of overnights with each parent and incomes.  Then medical expenses and extra curricular activities are shared by percentage of income.
  • Spousal maintenance or alimony is a discretionary area of the law. It is based on the needs of the recipient and the ability of the other spouse to provide support.
  • Court requires an analysis of budgets and income or potential income of both parties.  It can be difficult to address income if a party has not or is not working.
  • Some of the factors for determining support include: length of the marriage, education and age of the spouses with regard to work ability, work history, parenting needs of children, and reasonableness of expenses.
  • Because spousal maintenance is one of the most discretionary areas of family law,  it is difficult to find consistent outcomes in the court as every case is decided based on the individual facts (and judge).
A collaborative process is a different paradigm but clients have the same legal rights as parties in court.  Know what the law is and what a court may do and then make well informed decisions. A good collaborative attorney can help in this journey.
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155391642-family-law-gettyimagesAs a collaborative attorney, I am often asked “what would a court do?”  Although parties in a collaborative divorce are not asking the court to make decisions in their case, what the law is and how a court may view an issue is important.  It is part of the information that a client needs to understand to truly make a decision in their own best interest. I recently attended an education series with local judges to gain an understanding of the current state of the law. In this 2 part series, I outline some of the factors a court may consider in making litigated decisions. On parenting  and custody, here are some of the considerations:
  • A court first needs to establish jurisdiction and make sure they are the correct court to make a decision.  This can often be a substantial (although non- substantive) part of the process.
  • The first decision is legal and physical custody.  Legal custody is decision making and legal parenting rights. Do you jointly make decisions on medical, education and religion or does one of you have sole rights?   Physical custody outlines the parenting time with each parent.
  • There is a presumption that both parents have a meaningful role in making decisions and regular contact with the children.
  • All other elements of parenting are based on the best interests of the children.  This is an in depth analysis that considers the developmental stage of the children,  safety,  and common values of the family.
  • Some particular challenges in custody and parenting can be:  domestic abuse,  chemical dependency,  high conflict,  special needs of the child,  reunification with an absent parent,  and temporary plans with revision.
  • It is rare for a child to testify in court or be asked for their opinion on parenting.

A collaborative process is a different paradigm but clients have the same legal rights as parties in court.  Know what the law is and what a court may do and then make well informed decisions. A good collaborative attorney can help in this journey.

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Divorcing couples often think that they will be “done” when the court documents are signed and the divorce is finalized, and that there will be only smooth sailing ahead. But, after the documents are finalized, there is the new normal to navigate, particularly regarding parenting. Co-parenting while no longer cohabiting is a huge adjustment for families in the wake of a divorce. Although co-parents are no longer married or living under the same roof, they are still in the same boat when it comes to raising their children, and so communication and cooperation is more important than ever. After a divorce, co-parents’ attitude towards each other must be “All hands on deck!” instead of “Abandon ship!” or “Hey, you! Walk the plank!” Co-parents who continue to diligently communicate and cooperate in raising their children are much better captains over the course the children’s lives will take. Of course, regardless of the situation, children sometimes try to play parents against each other in hopes of getting what they want. This attempt at mutiny often begins something like this: “Mom/Dad said I could…”, and with no confirmation of the other parent’s consent, Mom/Dad agrees to let the child do x,y, or z. Important information can be distorted or omitted altogether when children are placed in the middle of what should be an adult conversation about what is appropriate for children. This scenario can be avoided through active communication and cooperation between co-parents. Co-parents that work together to divide and conquer life’s challenges after divorce keep their family afloat in the inevitable waves that come with life.
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Visualize Choice!“Mom, why won’t this piece fit here like it should?” My son is trying to build a Lego kit, and has made a mistake in the previous steps while trying to follow the directions. He keeps fitting the pieces together, but isn’t getting any closer to making the design on the cover of the box. I tell him he needs to go back a few steps and figure out where the pieces aren’t put together correctly. He does, and soon he is on his way. As a collaborative divorce lawyer, working with my clients towards their ideal divorce is similar to building a Lego creation. It is not a collector’s edition kit that is pre-designed. The clients actively design this project themselves. At the beginning of the process, we sit down and identify what an ideal divorce would look like for their family. This becomes our own design on the box that we aspire to build. To build it, the client brings the crucial information regarding their life, financially and otherwise, that we have to work with. These are the Lego pieces that we must fit together to replicate the design on the box. As a lawyer, I come to the table with knowledge of the instructions, which in this case are the statutes. The statues give us acceptable methods for fitting the Lego pieces together. Working as a team, the client and I look at the pieces we have to work with and build a divorce agreement that both fits their desired outcome and the statutes’ requirements. Sometimes we run into the same dilemma as my son – what we are making isn’t quite turning out like we wanted. Through years of practice, I know the solution is this: go back a few steps, look again at the building blocks, review the directions, and rearrange the pieces. Before you know it, we have built what we wanted to build.
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159627120-heart-shaped-jigsaw-puzzle-with-missing-gettyimagesDo you do jigsaw puzzles? They can be great exercise for your brain, but they do require patience. The image on the box looks great, and then there’s the daunting moment you must face after dumping the pieces out in a messy pile. Those who approach puzzles with strategy most definitely have an advantage, and sites like Puzzlewarehouse.com offer tips for people attempting puzzles for the first time. Divorces can be like undone puzzles in many ways, and so these tips overlap with what we do as collaborative divorce attorneys. Here are six tips in particular from puzzlewarehouse.com that relate well to the collaborative divorce process:
  1. “Flip all pieces upwards.”
  • “Having all your pieces facing the same way can be tedious, but it makes it so you’re working with the whole puzzle the whole time, and it’ll make the next steps quicker.”
This first step is true for both puzzles and couples looking for a divorce. Couples who begin the divorce process must deliver their “pieces” (of information) to the professionals involved in their case. Details that need the attention of everyone involved must be “flipped upwards” (brought to light) so they can be placed well in the bigger picture.
  1. “Find all the edge pieces.”
  • “Constructing your border gives you a defined space that you’ll work inside as you build.”
There are clear boundaries for each collaborative case that are determined in the first meeting between the clients and their chosen professionals. A few things that are considered are the interests and goals of each client, as well as a participation agreement and general expectations of conduct. Having clear parameters makes collaboration possible and desired outcomes attainable.
  1. “Sort by color.”
  • “From here you can build recognized sections of the puzzle.”
It is the job of collaborative attorneys to help their clients sort out and understand various options for building their divorce agreement. Attorneys can do this more easily when the clients have gathered their personal information (assets, lifestyle, etc.) so no piece is missing. A complete set of “pieces” makes sorting by type easy, so that the different sections of the agreement can be put together quickly and completely, including every aspect from child support to personal property to businesses and real estate. The big picture agreement that results will be one that suits the needs of both parties.
  1. “Special pieces.”
  • “Some pieces will be part of really distinguishing parts of the puzzle because it has text on it, or a color that’s only in one spot. Keep those separate and build on them as you can… it will be easy to spot where it goes as you start assembling the puzzle.”
Every couple has a unique case because of the specific goals and circumstances in their lives that they bring with them to the case. Certain issues (“distinguishing parts”) will have priority over others so that the bigger picture of the divorce agreement can be finalized. Family businesses, special needs children, and out-of-state job offers are all examples of special pieces in a divorce that require special attention from the start.
  1. “Work on small sections at a time.”
  • “Instead of trying to work on the entire puzzle at once, it can be really helpful to work on small portions so that you’re accomplishing sections. This will help keep you motivated and you’ll have a visual record of your progress.”
Helping clients break down the divorce process into pieces that are manageable is an important part of the process for collaborative attorneys. Maintaining a broader perspective that keeps the bigger picture in sight without getting “lost in the weeds” (or, pile of puzzle pieces), is important. Keeping checklists and journals are both recommended methods that can work well for clients trying to maintain this perspective.
  1. “Don’t give up.”
  • “When you’re tired… take a break… sometimes too much time at one problem can take away from [the puzzle process]. A fresh look at it later may help you see things you missed, too!”
Stress is often a part of any divorce process, and a collaborative team of professionals will try to pace the tasks so the clients can remain comfortable yet productive. Communication is always encouraged so that all needs will be heard. Avoiding the burnout that often happens in litigated divorce is easier when the case is approached with appropriate pacing and communication. With the collaborative divorce process, setting a schedule at their own pace is something within the client’s control. * * * People with skills in putting jigsaw puzzles together gained those skills by putting many puzzles together. Collaborative divorce attorneys have years of experience in putting together divorce agreements in and have developed their skills through practice and love to efficiently lead their clients towards the best agreement for everyone.      
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73582147-wedding-cake-top-with-groom-bride-and-lawyer-gettyimagesWhen a couple divorces, the final decree or order from a Court typically dictates how property shall be divided, how the children shall be parented, and what support will be paid moving forward.  The decree will give you the dates and amounts of payments.  The decree will also tell you what amount each of you is awarded of accounts or who shall keep the house.  But there are some things a divorce does not dictate. After a divorce is final, here are six things you (or your attorney) should do to finalize the division and move forward:
  1. Divide cash accounts. Bank accounts and investment accounts can be divided on your own. You both may need to work together to close joint accounts or transfer funds from one individual account to another. At the end of the process, you should have no joint accounts unless you have agreed to own something jointly.
  2. Pay-off and close joint credit cards. Joint credit card should be paid off and closed. You can take care of this on your own.
  3. Divide retirement.  Retirement accounts need to be divided precisely as outlined in the decree. Non-qualified plans (like IRAs) can be divided with a copy of the decree and direction from the account holders – you can do this on your own.  Qualified plans (like pensions, 401(k)’s or 403(b)’s) need a court order and you will have to have your attorney draft this or hire a consultant.
  4. Property title transfer. Title for any real estate that was awarded in the decree needs to be transferred to the individual owner. This can be done with a quit claim deed or order from the court that needs to be recorded with the county property office.
  5. Health insurance. Set up your own health insurance if needed or work with your former spouse to continue coverage for them.
  6. Estate planning. Your original will (if you had one) is no longer valid after divorce so you will need a new one.  Hire an estate attorney to draft up a new will.