Peace is possible though we are surrounded by conflict. In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.” Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons. This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale. And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.
The end of a marriage has some similarities to the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences. Is it possible to disconnect without civil war? Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle. Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and well-being of children.I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility. In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace. We can elect to follow The Four Agreements as defined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book by the same name, and use these principles to help us resolve our differences:
1. I will be impeccable with my word.
2. I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.
3. I will make no assumptions.
4. I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.
In Collaborative Team Practice, parents who are getting unmarried can draw from sources of support for the emotional, financial, parenting and legal issues that are involved. Parents remain in charge of their own outcomes, but are given tools to keep the process as respectful as possible, thereby setting the stage for child-centered co-parenting in the future. And the world your children will inhabit is in the future. Let it be a peaceful one.
- Give yourself sufficient time to heal. Divorce is a major life crisis. Entering into a new relationship too quickly increases the likelihood that you will not have had time to master the emotional and relational lessons to be learned from your marriage so that you can be truly ready for a new significant attachment.
- Give your children sufficient time to heal. Children are deeply affected by a divorce. Many children tell me the news felt like a bad dream, and what helps them adjust is getting used to the “new normal” over time. Adding additional changes too quickly can negatively impact children’s energy, focus, emotional stability and resilience.
- Inform your co-parent before introducing a new significant other to your children. This is not only a courtesy between parents, but it also helps keeps children out of the middle when they know the new relationship is not a secret.
- If you are co-parenting, any new partner or spouse will need to understand and honor the fact that you have a preexisting lifelong co-parenting relationship. It can be a big red flag if a new person seems threatened by or not accepting of your co-parenting relationship.
- Children may experience insecurity, jealousy or other worries regarding new adults and children who are increasingly present during their time with a parent. This can be especially challenging if step-children get to spend more actual time with this parent than do his or her own children. Parents need to stay attuned to their children’s cues about needing attention, and plan dates and special time with them.
- The Blame Game. Are you guilty of the “blame game?” In our household every time something went wrong blame had to be placed on someone. Late to an appointment – somebody’s fault. Food too spicy – somebody’s fault. Sidewalk is slippery – somebody’s fault. I just couldn’t understand why we had to place blame on someone for everything. It’s ok to be upset about something without having to constantly blame someone. Did your child forget to finish a school project while at his dad’s house? Sure the natural reaction is to blame your ex, but rather than focusing on who is to blame for something going wrong, focus on how to fix it. Co-parenting takes team work, and pointing fingers doesn’t work well on a team.
- Moving On. Put the past behind you. Sure you are still hurting from “XYZ…” but until you are able to put it behind you it will continue to come up and with continue to debilitate your co-parenting skills. If you are having trouble and haven’t already sought out therapy or counseling, please do so. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are excepting blame for something that may have happened in the past, but rather seeking therapy means you are electing to seek out healthy ways to put the past behind you.
- Think before you speak. Divorce and co-parenting are full of emotions. It’s easy to act and speak in the moment and later regret it. We can’t always be intentional with our words, but there are times that we can take a step back and carefully choose our words. For example, it is too easy to rattle off an emotional email in the heat of the moment, instead make a vow to yourself that before responding to an email you will wait one hour to respond or go for a walk before responding.
- Vacation during parenting time. Often parents are each allowed to take unlimited vacations during their scheduled parenting time. There may be additional requirements to notify the off-duty parent of any travel or certain vacations that are not agreed to generally. But because these vacation do not impact parenting time, they are usually the simplest to address.
- Vacation with the children that includes off-duty parenting time. Some parents agree to some amount of time for vacations that are longer than parenting time blocks. One or two weeks a year often fits for families. These vacations may include travel out-of-state or be contiguous time in town. Usually both parents have the same amount of time and there is often a notice requirement – that the parent wanting a vacation informs the other parent of the planned vacation. This time often supersedes regularly scheduled parenting time and is not made up at a later date.
- Vacation without the children that includes no-duty parenting time. Sometimes parents agree to include vacation time without the children in a parenting plan. This allows a parent to have time away while the other parent takes on more parenting time. This vacation time is also usually equally provided to both parents and includes a notice requirement.