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My kids are spirited.  Not possessed, although somedays it seems like they are.  I thought the term “spirited child” referred to a child with ADD or ADHD.  Not true.  It’s not a diagnosis – it’s simply temperament.  Thank goodness for Minnesota’s own Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and her book, “Raising Your Spirited Child.”  As soon as I finished it, I started reading it again. Spirited kids are just “more,” and my two kiddos are high energy, intense, persistent, and slow to adapt.  This slow-to-adapt trait makes transitions a CONSTANT battle.  It’s hard enough getting my two out the door to school every day.  Then I think about kids whose parents are going through a divorce.  Not only are kids of divorce doing the everyday school, activities, home, etc., but they have two homes to toggle between.  I’m sure it’s hard for any kid to go back and forth between two homes.  Most adapt, though.  But if you have a child who doesn’t like transitions, and mix in some frustration and sadness of the divorce, you have the ingredients for a frustrating, heart-breaking battle between parent and child.  What to do? Regardless of whether they are spirited, but especially if they are, listen to your children.  Understand what your children are going through.  It’s never too late to get a child specialist involved in the process, even post-decree. Talk with your children them, instead of at them.  They didn’t ask to be in this position and they have NO control over the divorce.  Help them feel like they have some control over their world.  Don’t just assume they are doing well because they are getting straight A’s, or they’ll be OK when the divorce is final.  Maybe they will be OK.  After all, kids are resilient.  But they’re your kids.  And I think it’s our duty as parents to do as much for our kids emotionally as we can.  They deserve it.
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question markMy husband and I were taking our kids to swimming lessons when we saw a man and woman standing outside the facility arguing.  The anger and negative energy were palpable.  While still in the parking lot, we met up with another family we know, and we exchanged uncomfortable glances as the conversation between this couple became more heated.  “Awkward,” my friend whispered. As we approached, I could hear what they were arguing about, and the expletives were flying (this is a family place, mind you, and my kids were five and two at the time – yikes!)  The woman was saying, “I don’t give a $*&^ what you think.  You can’t have that #$&* sleep over when it’s your weekend with our son.  You are such an ^*&+@!  We aren’t even divorced yet.”  My five year old glanced up at me with an odd look on his face.  Oh boy.  I wondered if they had attorneys and what process they were using. Even though I see this sort of conflict on a regular basis, it was very uncomfortable to witness.  I’m not sure if my discomfort was because I couldn’t do anything about their conflict (I was there as a mom, not a lawyer) or because my children were in earshot.  For a fleeting moment I did, however, consider going up to them.  I felt compelled to inform them there is a better way to deal with this “stuff” and that a child specialist and divorce coach could get them to a better place regarding “adult sleepovers.”  That was the lawyer in me. Since we were running a bit behind, however, the mom in me picked up my two-year-old and hurried my son through the door.  Either way, I felt bad for this couple, and even worse for their child.  I wondered how old their son was and if they had made a scene near the pool when they decided to “take it outside.”  I will never know how their divorce turned out.  I can only hope that things cooled down at some point so they could focus on co-parenting their child.  It’s understandable that emotions are highly charged during a divorce, which is the reason a divorce coach and child specialist are incredibly helpful during the process, as well as a therapist or counselor.  Stop.  Breathe.  Think.  And talk to a mental health professional.
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PicIt may feel like it should still be the middle of June and that school just let out, but the harsh reality is that back-to-school season is upon us. Co-parenting is hard enough during the summer when schedules are flexible are a bit more relaxed, but adding in the back-to-school madness creates another level of co-parenting stress. Who will shop for school supplies and clothes, who will volunteer for the field trips this year, who will fill out all the school forms, who will sign the kids up for their sports and activities? Historically these tasks all fall on the mother 99% of the time. It’s likely that your ex-husband never even realized these tasks needed to be done because it’s such an ingrained part of the “mom routine” that moms just do them without even thinking twice! Throwing in the divide of a divorce though and these everyday tasks suddenly can (and should) be divided. We can’t stress enough how vital a well laid out parenting plan is, but the simple everyday responsibilities like filling out paperwork are often missed when writing these plans. Overwhelmed and not sure where to even begin with tackling back-to-school tasks? – We blogged some very helpful back-to-school co-parenting tips here! Here’s to another great school year! It’s possible that you’re looking forward to getting back into the routine that the school year offers, yet it still brings on a sadness of another year/summer having passed. As caught up as we can get in the emotions of not wanting to see an ex at a school event or activity, it is important to remember to enjoy and embrace your children at the ages they are. Soak up every moment, and if your parenting plan allows for it try to get to as many of your children’s events as possible, as we all know the time passes entirely too quickly. As they say, “The days are long but the years are short.” How do you divide up these tasks with your ex? We’d love to hear in the comment section below.
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483830182-loudspeaker-gettyimagesThe Four Agreements is a best-selling book by Don Miguel Ruiz that articulates principles people can choose to follow to stay out of conflict with others.  These principles are extremely relevant and helpful for parents going through a divorce or break up.  I have written in the past about the Second and Third Agreements (The Second: I will not personalize anything the other person says, does, thinks or believes; and the Third: I will make no assumptions).  This blog focuses on the First Agreement:  I will be impeccable with my word.  The First Agreement agreement is the foundation of trustworthy and effective co-parenting communication. To be impeccable means to be truthful.  It means to speak with the intention of being respectful rather than negative, critical or hostile.  It means to avoid spreading gossip, innuendo and half-truths.   It is a commitment to not use words as weapons to attack and try to hurt another person.  It means to only promise what you fully intend to follow through on. At first glance, the First Agreement seems like the easiest, especially since most of us are wired to generally see ourselves as the “good guys”.  We are always truthful, and all our co-workers find us reliable and respectful.  When we’re not impeccable with our word, we are justified, right?  We were provoked by the truly bad behavior of the other parent.  We were just trying to defend ourselves from their endless snark.  We were “just joking, for crying out loud.”  We were finally standing up for ourselves, and isn’t that our right? I get that our amygdalas have loud voices when another person has struck a nerve.  But there are three filters to apply to non-impeccable words:  do they help if my goal is to co-parent effectively?  Do I feel like a better person for having said them?  And most importantly:  Could my giving vent, being hostile, being judgmental, smearing my co-parent or lying to my co-parent ultimately hurt my child?  Too often the answer to the last question is yes, it can and it will. Bill Eddy is a lawyer and social worker who co-founded the High Conflict Institute, LLC.  Bill has been reaching out to family law courts and divorce professionals to equip them with tools to help parents follow the First Agreement during and after a divorce or break up, though he does not use the language of the Four Agreements in his work.   One of these tools I often recommend to my clients is the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm) email protocol.  BIFF emails can work wonders to shift acrimonious exchanges to those that are businesslike and productive.  For more information and more ideas about how to become an impeccable communicator go to www.newways4families.com.
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173298780-mid-adult-woman-toying-with-gold-wedding-gettyimagesHaving friends scattered throughout the country has shown me just how drastic divorce proceedings and turnarounds can be. My friend in Baltimore, Maryland, who was married for 5 years with no kids, had no battles over property division, and her divorce still took just over 2.5 years to complete, including a mandatory year of separation before filing (this law has since changed recently for those without children). A friend in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, her divorce with one child and a business involved, took just 6 months to the date. And my good friends (haha), Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton’s Oklahoma divorce after four years of marriage complete with pre-nup and no kids, took just days from when they filed. Here in Minnesota the length of time to complete a divorce depends upon several things, including custody, parenting time, child support, and division of debts and property. It can take anywhere from about 6 weeks to a year and a half or more, depending upon whether the parties are cooperating, and depending upon the issues involved. The length of a divorce also largely depends on how the case is resolved. For example, divorcing collaboratively, where both party’s attorneys agree to settle without going to trial and the underlying threat of litigation, can significantly reduce the time it take to complete the divorce for several reasons, the biggest factor being avoiding months awaiting a divorce trial. Divorce is the time to practice patience, and to always prepare yourself for the divorce process to take longer than anticipated. Even in our instant gratification society where you can have Amazon deliver within the hour, your divorce could take months to years. No matter how long your divorce proceedings may take it is important to remember that divorce never really ends with a “victory” by either party. Both parties typically leave the marriage with substantially less material wealth than they started with prior to the divorce. Occasionally, you may hear about a spouse receiving a very large settlement or substantial alimony compensation. But more commonly, both spouses must compromise in order to reach an agreement. If there are any real “winners” in the process, it’s those who maintain positive relationships with an ex-spouse so that they are able to successfully co-parent their children.
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82087964-start-on-january-1-gettyimagesAs 2016 begins, many of us come up with resolutions for the coming year. Some people hope to exercise more, spend more time as a family or plan a vacation. For families who have divorced, the new year often symbolizes a new beginning.  It is a time to establish a new norm. As a collaborative attorney, I often help guide families through divorce in respectful and supportive ways. I often hear from clients that they have goals and resolutions for a new year. Here are three common resolutions for families of divorce and ways all families can incorporate these values in their lives:
  1. Establish financial independence and security. Entering a new year is a time when finances are now truly separate – with no tax connections.  Be mindful of what you spend.  Track your expenses and see how they match up against your projected budgets and income.  Get a financial planner or, on your own, map out your financial goals for the year, including personal savings, retirement, and investment management.
  2. Embrace co-parenting. Children thrive with routine and care.  They love to be listened to and enjoy one-on-one time with both parents.  They also sense stress and tension.  As you establish routines and the children spend time with both parents, remember to treat the other parent with compassion as well. Avoid fighting in front of the children and support the time that they spend in both homes. Also learn to enjoy your off-duty time.  When you don’t have parenting duties can be a great time to focus on yourself and prepare for your next parenting day.
  3. Take care of yourself.  As parents, workers, and functioning members in society, we often spend our tie focused on others.  We take care of the children and our work obligations, but we often forget our own self-care.  Use the new year to establish work-out routines or start exploring a new hobby.  It is never too late to start improving yourself and the new year is a perfect time to make that effort.
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Late night browsing on HBO recently brought me to a refreshing and wonderfully honest documentary on kids of divorce. The 30-minute film focuses on children who have recently gone through divorce – it asks them questions and captures their honest and candid responses.  So much wonderful information can be gleaned form children. They offer unique perspectives on the realities they face. Even more refreshingly, they offer unique insights and rules for their parents. As always, children can guide parents through these tough transitions and help them move forward in ways that really matter to kids. Indeed, these little minds are often more grounded and reflective in their views than their parents. Some of the many words of wisdom from this documentary, are:
  • Keep reminding me this isn’t my fault – I need to hear it over and over again.
  • Be honest with me – talk to me honestly. I can handle it or I will le tyou know if I can’t.
  • Don’t put me in the middle, but remember I am important.
  • Don’t have me spy – get your own information.
  • There is not a big bright side of things – but try to look on the bright side. Point out to me the things that are good out of this and why I will be okay.
  • I miss my other parent in my heart. Know this and keep it in mind.
  • Give us more love than we need.
Don’t Divorce Me! Trailer
If you have children and are contemplating divorce, check out Don’t Divorce Me! Kids’ Rules for their Parent’s Divorce on HBO ON DEMAND or www.hbogo.com
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The viral video of a father reaching out to his ex-Wife’s new husband, his daughter’s stepdad, and asking him to join him and walk their daughter down the aisle has had a huge impact. It has been shared millions of times. I have noticed a number of my social media friends and colleagues sharing this video. The comments seem to fall into two categories.  First, for divorced parents or children of divorce, many look at this video as a painful reminder of how horrible divorce can be. Many have memories of the strain and tension between their parents after divorce or cannot imagine ever having a connection with an exes new partner. Others see this video as recognition of the new face of divorce.  Divorce can be healthy and can lead to new families that are, in many ways, stronger and healthier than they were before.  Bonus parents or step parents can be wonderful additions to a child’s life. I see these stories all the time.  I am a collaborative attorney dedicated to helping families divorce in better ways.  I hear stories of clients all the time having better relationships with their co-parent after a divorce. Like this mother who wrote a letter to her daughter’s future step-mother or this lovely New York Times article about two divorced parents vacationing together — this can be the new face of divorce. The collaborative law process allows for creative and respectful outcomes – it keeps the children at the very center of everything and helps families thrive. Social media is drawn to thee stories because people crave these types of outcomes and want a better future after divorce.  Collaborative law provides these types of resolutions and more and more peaceful extended families.
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520749655-man-in-mid-air-jumping-into-pool-during-gettyimagesVacations are a common part of family life.  Some families like to camp or take close-to-home trips to a local hotel or amusement location.  Other families have vacation traditions, such as family reunions or a favorite locales that they visit year after year.  And others may like to spend freely and take extravagant vacations. It is common to be concerned about vacations in divorce.  When one, nuclear family becomes a bi-nuclear family with two home bases, it may seem like a foregone conclusion that vacations will need to end.  While things certainly need to change, in a collaborative divorce, parents can work to develop a parenting plan that incorporates vacations and time away with the kids. It is common in parenting plans to provide each parent a certain number of days to take the children on vacation.  This time typically supersedes regular parenting plan – it is not a trade-off of days.  The parenting plan can outline further parameters on vacations, such as:
  • How much notice should be given for an upcoming trip.
  • Whether or not vacations can incorporate missing school.
  • Number of consecutive days allowed.
  • Communication parameters between the off-duty parent and the children while on vacation.
  • How far the children may be taken and what activities are permissible.
Parents often also work out the finances of a vacation in the divorce.  Sometimes vacation expenses are built into budgets and spousal maintenance obligations and other times each parent covers their own vacation expenses with the children. When parents work together on a parenting plan, they can come up with good resolutions about vacations and travel. A good collaborative professional can help start this process.  
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157494477-redheaded-girl-in-cloud-of-leaves-gettyimagesLooking for some Twin Cities fun on a budget? Going from a duel income to a single income is not only difficult, but can bring on many emotions, especially if it leaves you feeling inadequate with providing for your children. There are so many low and no cost options out there that you don’t have to feel your children are missing out if you are on a single parent budget. Here are some of our favorites:
  • Como Zoo (free)
  • Minneapolis Sculpture Garden (free)
  • Walker Art Center (free admission Thursdays from 5-9pm)
  • Minnesota History Center (free admission Tuesdays from 5-8pm)
  • Fishing at many local community piers and parks (free)
  • Minnehaha Falls (free)
  • Three Rivers Parks District: Elm Creek Park Reserve, Lowery nature Center, Minnetonka Regional Park, etc. (free admission and many free activities and play equipment). Tip: make a list for a scavenger hunt before you go, kids LOVE scavenger hunts!
  • Minnesota Children’s Museum (free admission the 3rd Sunday of each month)
  • Outdoor concerts in the summer: Minneapolis Music in the Parks and St. Paul Music in the Parks, as well as many suburban concert series (free)
  • Movies in the Park in Summer: many area options (free)
  • Minnesota Landscape Arboretum (free admission every third Thursday of the month after 4:30 pm April through October)
  • Farmer’s Markets: many area options, check your city and surrounding areas for dates and times. Tip: If you go close to the end of the day many vendors may have reduced their prices or are willing to negotiate on fresh produce. (free admission)
  • Bike or walk the area trails. We are very blessed with many quality area trails like the Luce Line, Dakota Rail Regional Trail, etc. Tip: Another great place for a scavenger hunt!
  • Local beaches in the summer – We are in the land of 10,000 lakes, there are so many options for free swimming and sand castle fun!
  • Local art fairs, craft fairs, car shows, etc. Admission is typically free and it is so fun to walk around and look at everything.
Also be sure to check out local discount websites such a www.SaveOn.com, www.Groupon.com, and www.LivingSocial.com, where you can find deep discounts on local amusement parks, museums, the arboretum, restaurants, and more!