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186820735In Part I we learned that advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model is hard on the people involved because by focusing on the 3rd-party decision maker, e.g., the judge, the parties care little about each other’s view.  As a result, their relationship can become more adversarial.  In Part II we learned that by removing the decision maker in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model the parties become the decision makers who resolve mutual problems based on their defined future needs, interests, and goals.  But is the removal of the 3rd party decision maker enough to create a process that is truly “soft” on the people? Most people who have gone through a divorce agree that divorce is much more than a legal event.  More importantly divorce is about changing relationships, improving communication, establishing co-parenting, engaging in problem-solving, and securing a stable financial future.  But many divorce processes do not adequately address these more important concerns, thus limiting divorce to simply a legal commodity. To gain the added value of improving your relationship with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, of becoming successful co-parents, of mutually planning for the future, and of customizing your financial arrangement to meet the needs of all family members within the resources available, requires the assistance and expertise of NEUTRAL professionals.   These neutral professionals include a Neutral Financial Professional, a Neutral Coach, and a Neutral Child Specialist.  This team approach is the “secret sauce” used in the Collaborative Model that can transform the experience of this life event into something constructive, affirming, and even peaceful.  Obviously, this is of great benefit to children. Diagram - The Power of Neutrality 082814 In addition to the support and expertise provided, the neutrality of the neutral professionals balances attorney advocacy.  This permits the attorney to stay in the problem-solving and interest-based advocacy role for his or her client, while the neutral professionals hold the ground for resolution on behalf of the whole family.  This interdisciplinary, holistic approach to advocacy and expertise is what distinguishes the Collaborative Model from any other model out there. Collaborative professionals like to say this model contributes to world peace one family at a time.  If this approach makes sense to you, tell your friends, family, and colleagues about the Collaborative Model and contribute to world peace.
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People who are facing divorce after many years of marriage, or just later in life, face unique challenges. They are less connected by the need to provide daily care and financial support for their children. They also may be facing other life changes such as upcoming retirement or increasing health concerns (and costs!) as they age. Sometimes this has been called The Graying of Divorce. According to Mayoclinic.org, “Empty nest syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis. Instead, empty nest syndrome is a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the last child leaves home.” It is a life transition where spouses can take a step back and look at how their lives are progressing. As part of this process of reflection, they may say to themselves: “I’ve put up with this long enough!” Alternatively, it might be a time when couples take advantage of having more time to explore new interests and activities to share together. A process that can be helpful to those considering divorce or separation is called Discernment Counseling. Discernment Counseling is different than regular couples counseling because–instead of just focusing on helping the marriage relationship–it focuses on deciding whether the marriage should be worked on or whether divorce or separation should be pursued. The University of Minnesota has a Discernment Counseling project has a helpful website that you may want to visit if you want to learn more about Discernment Counseling. If divorce is the path chosen, Collaborative Divorce is often a perfect option as it can help increase communication and mutual respect to the benefit of both spouses (and grown children!). A neutral financial professional can analyze retirement cash flow and budgets, including tax implications of withdrawing retirement funds. Empty Nest divorces have their own unique challenges. They also are an opportune time to be able to enter a process that the older divorcing couple can be proud of in creating a respectful transition to separate living and ending of their marriage.
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186765081As I listened to the appalling news out of Ferguson, MO, last week, I was especially struck by two things: First, a veteran police officer, a retired chief of a municipal department, shared an observation that his officers made during unrest in his city, that when they were deployed in riot gear, officers invariably discovered that the situation became riotous.  But when they met protestors wearing only their regular uniforms, they were able to talk to them and defuse many situations. Secondly, early last week, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon put State Troopers under the command of Capt. Ronald S. Johnson, who grew up in the area, in charge of the police effort in Ferguson.  Capt. Johnson, as pictured on the front page of the August 15th N.Y. Times, wore only his regular Summer uniform.  He walked with protestors in the streets; he listened to them explain long-standing grievances.  And the temperature in Ferguson cooled perceptibly–before additional tear gas and rubber bullets reignited passions. I am not a cop.  But the retired police chief–and Capt. Johnson–and I–all know from long experience that you will find trouble if you go looking for it. Fortunately, my experiences as a divorce lawyer lack both rubber bullets and tear gas, but they are accompanied by strong emotions, usually expressed in the denigration of my client’s spouse.  My client recites how dishonest, abusive, or uncaring the spouse is; how neglectful or clueless he or she is.  It’s the opposite of the old lyric, “lookin’ for gold in a silver mine.”  If those negative emotions bubble over, they’re invariably met with–SURPRISE!–the same feelings on the other side! And the case becomes even more contentious.  The bigger waste, overall, is that the couple seems to believe that the family court system cares about this emotion.  Apparently they believe that if the fight becomes bitter enough, someone will “win”.  These folks could have been the inspiration for Elton John’s lyrics in “Honky Cat”:          “It’s like trying to find gold in a silver mine. It’s like trying to drink whiskey from a bottle of wine.” Collaborative Process was conceived as a problem-solving exercise, based on a belief that husbands and wives might put their children’s welfare before their own.  When I can get my client to take that leap of faith, s/he is often astounded to discover that, because they’re not spending the time fighting, both of them are able to make decisions that directly benefit the entire family.  When my client starts out believing that their spouse also wants to complete the process and care for their children, they discover–SURPRISE!–that the spouses do.  And when that happens, they’re more willing to listen to the variety of ways in which that could occur.  Time and energy  are now spent devising productive ways to reorganize their family. If you’re looking for peace by waging war, don’t expect to find it.  If, on the other hand, you start out waging peace . . .
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It seems it’s nearly inevitable that at some point we all have a friend going through a divorce. The support we offer during that trying time can often set the precedence of the friendship going forward. The same holds true for someone battling a disease like cancer; whether you turn your back and quietly whisper or are brave enough to offer support shows not only the value or your friendship, but your true character. So how can you help? First and foremost, be a good listener and offer emotional support. You don’t have to have all the answers, but listening intently and letting your friend know that you are there to listen or be a shoulder to cry on anytime, day or night, is important. Remind them that are worthy of happiness. Constantly reassure them. Reassure them that a divorce is not a reflection of who they are. Reassure them that they are an amazing person, and that you are there for them whatever happens. Be aware of the divorce emotional cycle. Your friend will be feeling so many emotions that will constantly be changing. Reassure them that they have the right to their emotions and that healing is a long process that no one can put a timeline on. Have compassion and allow them their feelings and validate their need to process things in their own way. Remind them that divorce does not define a person. Eating is probably not going to be at the top of their priority list, not to mention stomaching a full meal with a broken heart. Cooking for one is no fun, so providing them with small meals and healthy snacks can be helpful. Also if they have children to feed, providing meals they can quickly throw in the oven and not have to work about shopping and meal prep would be a huge help. Be adventurous – try a new food that you’ve never tasted before. Spice up your grocery list with 3 (healthy) new items to try. Offer your friend a place to stay, help looking for a new house or apartment, moving help, etc. On top of possibly needing help physically packing or moving, ask if they need help getting things sorted out with bills, budgets, and finding a divorce support group. Get out and about. Try new things. Say YES to something new. Activities are important. Take a walk together, try out a new restaurant, summer outdoor concerts, go for a bike ride, try out a new sport, and stick to the ones you love. Every day, learn at least 3 new words of a language you admire. Create a bucket list. Write down your biggest dreams – and take little steps in making them happen. Be a positive part of their life. Offering support doesn’t have to mean spouse bashing, simply listening when they need to talk and planning activities to help them take their mind off things for a bit can be a world of help. Find the joy in the everyday.
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182021502The Collaborative divorce process is one of many ways to divorce. It’s not for everyone. So how do you know whether it is right for you and your spouse or partner? Here are a few questions to help you decide:
  • Do you want your children to be in the center rather than in the middle?
  • Do you want your lawyer to be a wise counselor rather than a hired gun?
  • Are you willing to be in the same room with your spouse or partner?
  • Are you able to speak for yourself and articulate your own goals and interests?
  • Are you open to solutions that respect both your and your spouse’s interests?
  • Do you want to focus on future solutions rather than past disagreements?
  • Do you want a comfortable co-parenting relationship with your former spouse?
  • Are you willing to experience and live with some discomfort at times during your divorce?
  • Do you want solutions that take into consideration the uniqueness of your family?
  • Do you want to model healthy dispute resolution for your children, friends and family?
  • Do you want to be able to look back on your divorce and feel good about both the outcome and how you handled yourself during the process?
If you answered “no” to any of these questions, another, more traditional divorce process may be a better choice for you. Collaborative divorce is best-suited for couples who understand the value of divorcing well. How you divorce greatly impacts your children’s well-being and your own ability to move forward in life without resentment. If you answered “yes” to these questions, the Collaborative divorce process may be a good choice for you. To find out more, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and contact a Collaborative professional.
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168408173In my last blog I wrote about how people travel all around the world to learn about how we Collaborative divorce in Minnesota. In this blog, I want to say a little bit about why that is true. Describing all of the elements of Collaborative Divorce would require more than we could put in one blog. I want to focus on the one element that may stand out above the others: choice. People who face family conflict need choices. Collaborative Divorce takes everyone, including the lawyers outside the court system, so that there is complete freedom for each family to design a process that truly meets their unique needs. Once people arrive at that place where true choices can be made, there are many options. Here are some examples of choices people can make in the Collaborative Process:
  • People can choose to have a parenting expert help them with their children rather than leaving the parenting issues divorce lawyers.
  • People can choose to have a financial expert teach them about how to handle finances better rather than just fight over who gets the bigger slice of the pie.
  • People can choose to improve their communication, and even, if possible improving their respect and trust of each other, by getting the emotional support that they need.
  • People can choose to focus on their highest goals, like reducing conflict and can avoid getting caught up in minor issues.
  • People can even choose to put the divorce on pause, if appropriate, to give them time to look at their marriage and determine whether they want to work on reconciliation.
When families are in conflict, trying to fit that conflict into a narrow “one-size fits all” system, can lead to outcomes that do not address true needs. Stepping outside the shadow of the courthouse and letting families design their own course leads to better outcomes. Divorce is difficult. The choices that you make during this important time could affect your family for decades. Before you take the first step, explore all of your options. To find out about the Collaborative option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
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482285789I recently attended a symposium about divorce entitled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” At first glance you might wonder whether we had anything to talk about. What do love and divorce have in common? Isn’t divorce the result of the loss of love? Sharing ideas with others interested in improving the divorce process reinforced my belief that love, forgiveness and compassion are the keys to divorcing well, and that divorce can indeed be a healing process. Divorce is an all-too-common event these days. We all have friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers who have experienced becoming unmarried. Some just barely survive and are stuck looking back at their divorce with regret and resentment. Years later they continue to bad-mouth their ex and blame their divorce for their ongoing unhappiness. Their inability to be present and available has long-term consequences for their children as well. Most of us also know people who not only survive, but thrive in their post-divorce lives. They are somehow able to accept the major changes in their day-to-day lives and move forward. By doing so, they are healthy role models for their children and fun to be around.  What accounts for these vastly different outcomes? Personality certainly has something to do with it. Some humans are blessed with more optimistic outlooks than others. Seeing the glass half full reduces anxiety about the future. Life circumstances also play a role. Good health, steady employment, and a healthy balance sheet contribute to feeling better about what lies ahead. However, several decades of experience tells me that one factor trumps everything else in terms of one’s ability to recover from divorce … the ability to forgive. Anger, bitterness, blame and resentment are feelings associated with the loss of a loving relationship. Grieving the loss is necessary in order to get on with life. Tara Brach, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, who was a symposium presenter, says, “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Rather than being lazy and stuck, working through one’s grief with a therapist, clergy person, or trusted friend can lead to understanding and forgiveness. Acknowledgment and forgiveness of one’s own contributions to the divorce are essential, as is forgiveness of the other person. In the Collaborative divorce process, our professional team includes a neutral coach and a child specialist, both of whom assist the parties in reaching closure with regard to their marriage and defining their future co-parenting relationship. “When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” -Fredrick Buechner
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I seem to be going through a “mourner phase,” these days.  Last month, I attended four funerals.  This month, a couple.  Frequently, these events were labeled “a celebration of life.”  Sometimes they were; other times, not so much. It’s not unusual for children or close relatives to speak at these events, describing the bond between themselves and the deceased, and how it was created.  Often, the speaker can bring that person to life, figuratively speaking, with their words.  The last thing in the world we ever expect to hear is that Joe was a mean, abusive so-and-so; he denigrated his wife, beat his kids, and has as much chance of getting into Heaven as Osama bin Laden.  Admittedly, none of the services I attended included such a speaker.  Although . . . One of them included an out-of-town relative who was a member of the clergy.  His memories of the dead individual brought to mind a temperance revival meeting, and really turned into a rant about how this relative had saved the decedent’s soul at the last minute.  To many in attendance, and this was NOT an evangelical group, it appeared the funeral in those moments had ceased to be a celebration of the dead man’s life and had instead become all about the relative. As I struggled with how inappropriate the funeral hijacking felt, my deja vu detector went off.  It took me a while to realize why.  As a divorce lawyer, I get to help officiate at the death of a marriage.  In the best cases, when a couple sees the wisdom of planning their family’s future together, those divorces can include a large measure of honoring that marriage, even if it stops short of an outright celebration.  The relationship that brought the children into the world can be buttressed and supported going forward.  The good things can be retained.  The bad parts . . . well, the bad parts are why they’re in my conference room. And then there are those who, oblivious of the relational aspects of the marriage that died, just want to go on and on, like the prodigal clergyman, and make the divorce all about them.  Their “rights,” their money, their property, even “their” children.  Losing sight of the Big Picture is an uncomfortable thing to witness, whether it accompanies the death of a person, or the death of a marriage.  When couples keep that Big Picture in mind, they can create a fitting memorial to the marriage that used to be, and honor the family that still is.
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After the service was over, my friend, Larry, came up to me and said, “When I die, I want you to do my eulogy!” “Then he’s going to have to spend a lot more time with you,” my wife chimed in.  “He’ll have to learn a lot more about you.” “Oh, God, no!” said Larry.  “I don’t want THAT.  I want him to lie his head off about what a great guy I was.” For my father-in-law, one of the Greatest Generation’s  Navy veterans, there were many amazing accomplishments to remind his friends and family of.  There was his status in the family, and the endless help he provided.  There was comedy and quirkiness.  There was love. It  all begged the question, as I put the remembrance together, of what could be said of anyone?  How do you sum up someone’s life?  What did they like?  What drove them crazy?  I thought about some of the divorce clients I’ve had over a 34-year career, about the ones who just wanted to know “what my rights are.”  About others who’d never missed a school play all the way through public school, and were terrified they might, if communications broke down.   I wondered what eulogies their children might deliver.  What would those epitaphs be? “I just want to know what my rights are”? “Daddy!  You came!”? “You were always there for me, Mom!”? It’s said the Past can inform the  Present.  It might be a good thing if the Future could, as well.
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Collaborative divorce is often considered the “respectful way to divorce.” This doesn’t necessarily mean that the divorce is always amicable (although it can be), it means the divorce is done with grace and courtesy. Here are some (of the many) ways in which collaborative divorce can be respectful.
  1. Cooperation. Resolutions are reached through cooperation and collaboration. Confrontation is inefficient and usually ineffective – it is therefore not a part of this process.
  2. Honesty. All information is gathered in collaborative divorce through voluntary, complete, and good faith processes. Clients and professionals work together to make sure everyone has all the information needed to make decisions in their own best interest.
  3. Input. In a collaborative divorce, all voices are valued and heard. Even if it is hard for a client to express their feelings or thoughts on elements of the divorce, the opinion of everyone is valued. Collaborative professionals help ensure this input.
  4. Creativity. In collaborative divorce, we know there are no one-size-fits all resolutions. We work together to come up with complete and unique outcomes that fit clients’ lives moving forward.
  5. Support. Clients are not alone in the collaborative process. Every client has legal support with an attorney. Clients can also have neutral financial and parenting specialists as needed. Mental health professionals are also available in the process to help with the communication and emotional challenges of divorce.
  6. Values. Collaborative divorce starts with development of goals. All the work and resolutions go towards meeting these goals. Clients’ values and interests are key to the process.
  7. Health. Divorce ends with a future beginning. The collaborative process keeps the overall health and well-being of the couple and the children at the forefront. That health is a focus throughout the process and moving forward.
Good collaborative professionals (attorneys, financial neutrals, mental health professionals) can help support these principles and keep the collaborative process respectful.