Collaborative Divorce Archives | Page 17 of 20

July 31, 2013

Once you have reached the difficult conclusion that your marriage is over, opening the door to discussing divorce with your spouse is never easy. Yet the way that you choose to talk about a possible divorce may have an enormous impact on you and your family for many years. Should you carefully plan your legal strategy before talking to your spouse or should you be open and honest? Does the answer depend on whether you are more interested in protecting your money or your integrity? In truth, the answer may be the same either way. Yes, if you want to preserve the dignity of your family, protect your children from an adversarial divorce and honor your own sense of integrity, an open approach is likely to be your best choice. At the same time, if you want to protect your interests and make sure that you get the best financial result, your best choice is probably, and here is the big surprise, an open and honest approach. From working with families as a divorce lawyer for 30 years, it is clear to me that starting the divorce in an open and transparent manner almost always leads to a better outcome, in every respect. Secretly planning for the divorce and hiding your plans from your spouse will not lead to any advantages when the divorce happens, and will likely fuel fear and suspicion that can make your divorce a nightmare. Despite this reality, many attorneys will still advise clients to engage in secret divorce planning strategies that often help the lawyer more than they help the clients. Before taking these steps, you need to get a second opinion. One way to achieve this is to schedule a free consultation with an experienced Collaborative attorney.

July 30, 2013

The first post of “Getting Unmarried,” I talk about making the decision to get divorced. The first installment of “How to get divorced” focused on my thought process considering traditional litigation, mediation and briefly mentioning the do-it-yourself process. In this post, I share with you what I learned about collaborative divorce, a term I had never heard of before. One day I received a letter from a family law attorney who was a member of the local chamber of commerce, where I also was a member. She was marketing her services as a family law attorney and happened to be in the same area of the Minneapolis and St. Paul metro area. I looked at her website where I first heard of the term collaborative divorce. I was intrigued. This attorney, along with a life coach, was offering free workshops on divorce. I signed up to attend the next available workshop. In the meantime, I wanted to learn as much as I could about this new term (new to me), collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce, I learned, was—in its most simple definition—divorce without court. As I continued to learn more about collaborative divorce, it was a great deal more than just divorce without court. Each spouse has their own attorney. Other professionals, such as a financial specialist and a child specialist, act as neutrals and are employed as needed to assist the couple in reaching agreements about finances and co-parenting their children. Coaching services are available as needed to help the couple with communication challenges during the process, in order to promote better decision making. A coach also helps with developing a relationship plan the couple uses both during the process and post-divorce. What I really liked about collaborative divorce was the concept of both spouses and each of their attorneys signing what is called a Participation Agreement, committing that court or the threat of court is not an option to be considered in a collaborative divorce. While everyone has the right to court processes even when we would sign an agreement stating otherwise, it was to be understood that if the spouses later elected to discontinue the collaborative divorce and go to court, the two attorneys would have to discontinue representing them, requiring both spouses to find new attorneys to represent them in court. The attorneys who represented the spouses in the collaborative process would attempt to utilize the most economical and orderly means available to transfer each spouse’s information to the new attorneys. I learned the basic tenants of a collaborative divorce beyond the pledge not to go to court include:

Both spouses and attorneys would participate in good faith to reach agreements that considered the interests, concerns and needs of both spouses and their children, if any.

Each spouse would be required to fully disclose to each other all information that would be relevant to their circumstances. This would include all financial information being disclosed to a financial neutral.

Everyone in a collaborative divorce is to mutually respect each other and communicate in a manner that conveys respect. Communicating with respect greatly assists in the effort to reach agreements everyone can live with.

Emphasizes the needs of children. This is critical, in my opinion, for divorcing couples with children.

The couple would retain control over the outcomes decided versus having someone else, knowing little about the family, making decisions for them.

Collaborative divorce sounded like exactly what I was looking for. It most closely matched the goals I had set out to accomplish. For anyone who wants to learn more about collaborative divorce, I invite you to visit www.isfngroup.com and on the right menu bar select Collaborative Divorce Knowledge Kit. This document provides more information about collaborative divorce, including a side-by-side comparison of a collaborative divorce and the more traditional court process. Additional resources under about us on the right menu bar include a 20 minute video of real clients describing their experience with collaborative divorce and a link to Little Children Big Challenges-Divorce (help from Sesame Street for parents with children). In the next post of Getting Unmarried, I talk about discussing what I had learned with my spouse and choosing an attorney (my step three).

July 25, 2013

The divorce process can be so difficult it is hard to imagine anything positive coming from it. However, in Collaborative Team Practice your family is surrounded by professionals who understand the complications of relationships, the emotional distress of divorce and how to navigate this process with open communication, balance and respect. When a family takes advantage of the professionals’ knowledge, skills and guidance the divorce process turns into an opportunity to communicate and work together in new ways. Families generally come to divorce because they have been immersed in negative patterns that are not working. Spouses or partners don’t feel heard, respected, valued, appreciated, free to be themselves and/or balanced. One or both in the relationship have worked hard to try to turn it around, to do better, to make it work, but the established patterns are formidable. In the actual divorce process itself, there are brand new options. You have made the difficult decision to separate or dissolve the marriage so the pressure is off to “fix the relationship.” Now the focus is on accepting the end of the partnership or marriage and re-establishing and strengthening your separate selves. Your new job is to form a co-parenting relationship. This is very different from the partner or spousal relationship. We seek to have our own needs met within a spousal relationship which is the part of the relationship that is most likely to become broken. In a co-parenting relationship you are not expecting to have your own needs met, instead the goal is to meet the needs of your children. Doing what is best for your children is something that both of you want. The Collaborative Professionals guide you through the divorce process of deciding how to divide assets and debts and establish separate living arrangements and most importantly to develop a parenting plan. This is an opportunity, with assistance, to talk to each other differently and to rediscover and build upon the strengths you each have to work together for your children.

July 18, 2013

In Part I of this series titled “Getting Unmarried” (my story), I wrote about making the decision to get divorced as being the most important and most difficult step for me. I will tell you that after finally deciding to end my marriage, it was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from me. This didn’t necessarily make the rest of the process any easier, but it did change the focus of my efforts to getting from point A to point B. Now that I had made the decision to end my 30-year marriage, my next step was to figure out how to do this. At this point I had not discussed any of this with my spouse, although we both realized our marriage was under tremendous stress once again. I didn’t have a clue where to begin. I had no prior experience myself, nor had my parents been divorced. I knew that listening to friends and family was not necessarily the best, as they naturally would find it difficult to be impartial. I knew I didn’t want a costly or high conflict divorce. What I did want was an open, respectful, type of process that considered both of our needs and the contributions we both made to our family during our 30-year marriage. I wanted to as much as possible be able to make decisions with my spouse about the outcomes rather than someone else making those decisions for us. I assumed that if I ran straight to an attorney, I might run the risk of the process getting out of control. At the time I didn’t personally know any family law attorneys. What I chose to do was to find out about the different alternative processes to divorce, choose the one I felt most suitable for my circumstances, discuss with my spouse with the hope we could agree to a process, and then find the attorneys who could help us achieve these goals. While I knew, or I should say thought I knew, about the more traditional type of divorce process, this largely attorney driven (my opinion as a result of my divorce experience) method seemed too adversarial, too costly both financially and emotionally, and would not help me accomplish the goals I wanted to achieve. Although this process did not seem suitable for me, in some cases depending upon circumstances, it may be the best and sometimes the only alternative available. I would encourage anyone considering the traditional litigation type divorce process to thoroughly learn about all the process alternatives before embarking down this path. I had heard about mediation. From my research I learned that a mediator is an independent, neutral third party who attempts to help divorcing couples resolve their differences and come to mutual agreements. The mediator may or may not be an attorney. Regardless, the mediator is not able to advocate for either spouse, provide legal advice, nor draft any legal documents for filing with the court. Each spouse may have his or her own attorney during the mediation process. The attorneys, if any, may or may not participate in mediation sessions depending upon the couple’s desires. At the conclusion of mediation, the mediator typically drafts a memorandum of understanding outlining any agreements reached. An attorney would be hired by one of the spouses to draft the necessary paperwork, using the mediator’s memorandum of understanding as a foundation for agreements, and submit the paperwork to the court. The drafting attorney is only able to represent one spouse. The other spouse may find another attorney to review the draft decree on behalf of their interests. I always recommend that each spouse has their own attorney to make sure that each has an opportunity to ask about the law and that each fully understands the implications of their agreement. There is nothing that requires the couple to complete the mediation process, which can be withdrawn from by either spouse at any time. While mediation seemed a better alternative to me than the traditional litigation type divorce, it still was not quite what I was looking for. I felt as though there had to be some other way. I started scouring the web for more information on how to get divorced or “unmarried.” Oh sure, the do it yourself options are often mentioned, but our circumstances were too complicated—long-term 30-year marriage, property, etc.—for a do-it-yourself kind of approach. A do-it-yourself divorce might possibly be used in a short-term marriage when there are no children and little property. Furthermore, I am a believer that you get what you pay for and a do-it-yourself divorce never crossed my mind given our circumstances. In my next post I will continue with how to get divorced by sharing with you what I learned about something I had never heard of before, a collaborative divorce. You owe it to yourself to learn about this alternative process so please stay tuned for the next session of “Getting Unmarried.” What is a collaborative divorce? Read the continued series here.

July 17, 2013

Love and Divorce? You don’t hear those words together very often. After all, divorce means the end of love, doesn’t it? Well, yes and no. Yes, divorce means that a certain type of romantic love has ended, at least for one spouse. But having watched thousands of divorces over thirty years, I have been an eye witness to the fact that much of the love lives on. Certainly, when there are children, the love between the parents and their children does not go away. Indeed, sometimes it emerges with even more strength in the way that all crises have the potential to draw us closer. I have even also seen love, or at least loving behavior, sustained by husbands and wives who choose not to fully extinguish a flame that once burned so brightly. Admittedly love is an awkward word to use in this context and I have not often heard my divorcing clients use the word love when talking about their soon-to-be ex-spouse. But love is more than just a feeling. One of the Webster definition’s of Love is “the unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another.” People that divorce can choose to continue to have concern for their former spouse, for the sake of the children, for the sake of their own integrity, or simply because they choose to do so. Our divorce laws require couples to acknowledge an “irretrievable breakdown of a marriage relationship,” but it does not require people to forfeit their love and affection for each other and it actually encourages divorcing parents to behave in a way that shows concern for each other. One of the things I like about the Collaborative divorce process is that it allows and, where possible, even encourages, couples to behave in a loving manner. Indeed, next May, the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, along with the Fetzer Institute is actually hosting a worldwide symposium to find ways to expand the ways that love, compassion and forgiveness can help divorcing families. So maybe, just maybe, for some courageous divorcing couples, love can have a lot to do with it.

July 15, 2013

You are a devout Christian and you think marriage should last forever. Yet you somehow find yourself facing divorce. No doubt you are feeling conflict. You had hoped your faith would help you avoid coming to this place; and you may even feel guilty about the fact that you somehow have found your marriage ending, even if the end of the marriage was not your fault. Certainly if you believe your faith can help you salvage a happy marriage, you owe it to yourself to work to save the marriage in a manner consistent with what you believe. However, if the marriage cannot be saved, this may be the time to ask yourself if your Christian principles can guide you during this most difficult time in your journey. Christianity challenges its believers to practice love, compassion and forgiveness, even under the most difficult circumstances. In a divorce you will find yourself, at some point, sitting across the table, from a person who you at one point felt a deep sense of love. Yet, the fear and anger and distrust fueled by divorce may trump all of those feelings. In addition, the behavior in your spouse during the divorce may not inspire a sense of love and compassion. Still, Christian principles of love and forgiveness and compassion are meaningless if they cannot be applied to the trials and tribulations of divorce. A faith that challenges us to love our enemies and to turn the other cheek must, at minimum, challenge us to rise above our feelings of anger and fear. Of course, a commitment to love and compassion do not mean that other principles of self preservation must be abandoned. The issues of a divorce will also require you to work to protect yourself, and your children. Is there a way to practice Christian love and still protect your family? As a divorce attorney, I have worked with hundreds of Christian clients and devout people of other faiths who struggle with these issues. Sadly, I have seen some who have allowed the emotions of the divorce to put their faith on hold as they embraced an “all bets are off” approach and treated their spouse as a true adversary. Thankfully, in recent years, I have also worked with many clients, primarily in the Collaborative Process, who have drawn on their faith to find the courage to truly live Christian Principles through their divorce. The Collaborative Process, by taking clients away from divorce and providing an entire team of professionals, is designed to help divorcing people bring their best selves to the table. For Christians, that can often mean drawing on principles of faith to face some of the most difficult trials and tribulations.

July 11, 2013

While divorce is almost always difficult, avoiding common mistakes can spare a lot of expense and emotional turmoil. Here are the biggest mistakes that cause families to suffer unnecessarily.

Rushing into a divorce before you understand your options. Today there are many different ways to divorce, including mediation, Collaborative practice and traditional methods. Yet most people start their divorce without ever getting a full, competent explanation of their options. Getting a competent explanation of all choices requires research (For a summary of options go to www.divorcechoice.com).
Letting Emotions run the show. Divorce often creates intense feelings of fear, anger and sadness. While those feelings may be natural, even healthy, letting those feelings drive your decisions, will often result in regrettable decisions.
Losing sight of the priorities. Divorce can have a sense of urgency that causes people to lose sight of their most important goals. Intense focus on urgent problems can distract you from more important issue. Identifying your big picture goals at the beginning of the process will help you get a better outcome.
Believing that hardball tactics will help them get better outcomes. Many divorcing people mistakenly believe that hardball tactics will help them achieve a better outcome in their divorce. However, these hardball tactics usually backfire and almost always produce poor outcomes. Finding a divorce process that protects your interest through more civilized and productive strategies will help you avoid this type of financial and emotional disaster.
Thinking of divorce as only a legal issue. Because divorcing starts as a legal proceeding, it is easy to focus solely on the legal issues. However, in most divorces, there are financial, emotional and child development decisions to be made that will likely have a greater impact on your life. Getting help from mental health professionals and financial experts, in addition to attorneys can help you address these other important issues.

One way to avoid making these mistakes is to pursue help from Collaborative professionals. To contact a Collaborative Professional in your area go to www.collaborativelaw.org.

July 9, 2013

Looking for a divorce attorney can be difficult. No one has experience in this type of search and you are often going through this search in times of stress and anxiety. While there are many things to learn about a potential attorney, one of the most important things to ask about is an attorney’s post-decree work. When you divorce, ideally, you come up with a durable agreement that will last. No one wants to spend time or money re-negotiating or fighting over elements that were already addressed. However, many attorneys spend a significant portion of their time working on these post-decree disputes. Sometimes, circumstances change and there needs to be a change made to the decree. Other times, a situation has arisen that was not originally contemplated in the decree but should have been. A good agreement contemplates many unforeseen obstacles or changes. If it’s not durable, post-decree disputes may cost you time and money. An experienced collaborative attorney can help you come up with durable agreements that last. The collaborative process not only provides cost-effective resolutions, but it provides durable agreements. The use of a financial professional or child specialist to thoroughly address all issues, helps cut-down on post-decree disputes. Indeed, agreements reached in the collaborative process are often more detailed and complete than in a litigated judgment. This durability results in less post-decree issues. Ask your divorce attorney how many of their final agreements require post-decree work. Why spend the time and money finding resolutions that won’t stick? Put the work into the collaborative process so you have durability in the final resolution and can move on in your life.

July 2, 2013

Disagreements about finances, spending and debt are leading causes of divorce. How to pay for or divide the marital debt has been a major issue for divorcing couples during the recent recession. Here are seven tips on how to deal with debt in a divorce: 1. IDENTIFY YOUR DEBTS. Review your credit report which you can obtain for free once per year from each of the major credit reporting agencies: Experian, Transunion and Equifax. You need to make sure you know what debts are in your name and your spouse’s name. 2. ARE THE DEBTS JOINT OR INDIVIDUAL. You and your spouse’s credit reports will tell you which debts are joint with your spouse and which ones are yours alone or spouse’s alone. 3. PAY OFF JOINT DEBTS. As much as possible, pay off debts which are joint. If a debt continues as a joint debt after the divorce, you can each be pursued by the creditor even if your divorce agreement makes one of you responsible for payment of the joint debt. 4. CONSULT WITH A DEBT COUNSELING SERVICE. If you and your spouse are unable to make the monthly payments on your debt, a reputable debt counseling service may be able to help you negotiate a payment plan with your creditors. Some recommended debt counseling services are The Village and Family Means. 5. BANKRUPTCY OPTION. If you have substantial debt and not many assets, consulting with a bankruptcy attorney may give you another option for dealing with debt. 6. PLAN TO END JOINT DEBT LIABILITY. If you can’t pay off all your joint debts, develop a plan to end your joint liability including credit cards, mortgage, lines of credit and other debt. 7. ESTABLISH AND MAINTAIN YOUR CREDIT. If one spouse has no individual credit card, explore ways to allocate resources to that spouse to obtain an individual credit card. If one spouse is planning to buy a new home and assume a new mortgage, make sure that actions like closing credit card accounts do not result in a lower credit score for that spouse which could jeopardize the purchase of a new home. In a collaborative divorce, couples work with neutral financial specialists like Dave Jamison who has helped couples who are refinancing mortgages or obtaining new mortgages during the divorce process.Working with a neutral financial specialist, both spouse’s interests are addressed. This avoids the problems caused when one spouse makes a unilateral decision or action which adversely affects one or both of their credit scores or abilities to secure financing in the future. Even if debt was a problem during your marriage, there are ways to “part” your debt in divorce.

June 26, 2013

Well, I’m doing it. Right now. I am at the salon having my hair teased, twisted, and permed into dreadlocks. I have been waiting a year for this, growing my hair out to six inches in length. It was with dread and excitement that I made the appointment with the Hair Police salon. Was this a stupid thing to do? Does it have anything to do with the fact that I turn 60 this summer? My husband worries that it will be bad for my business as a Collaborative Divorce attorney. My youngest child is appalled. My two older children say go for it. My colleagues are vicariously fascinated. What will my clients think? Will they take me seriously? Will they want me to share with them their journey through divorce? My feelings are insignificant and yet similar to feelings my clients feel as they make the decision to end their marriage. Many struggle with the decision for years. It is with dread that they make the decision to start the divorce. It will affect their spouse; it will affect their children. It will affect their family and friends. The change will be momentous for all family members. For some couples, they approach their divorce together; with dread but also with a promise for the future that change provides. For other couples, one spouse feels forced to undertake the divorce journey whether they want it or not. For this spouse the trepidation can overwhelm any hope for the future. But as with all change, there is always hope and opportunities. By using a collaborative process for their divorce, couples can be supported to find the hope, the opportunity and the excitement that this change offers. For me, a change in hairdo, especially a change as strange as dreadlocks, is exciting, daring, liberating and refreshing. Life after dreadlocks is something to look forward to.