Collaborative Divorce Archives | Page 18 of 20

June 21, 2013

A recent article in Time Magazine called The End of Alimony discusses some of the potentially unfair and unrealistic outcomes that can result from the current family legal system. The example highlighted in the article discusses a second wife having potential responsibility to her new husband’s ex-wife for alimony payments. The article looks at both sides of the equation – the new wife having unforeseen and unwanted obligations and the first wife having financial struggles and dependence on this additional source of income. It is no doubt a complicated issue. Many issues in divorce are complicated. The challenge in court cases is often to balance the rights of the participants with the need for efficiency and structure in the law. Courts do not always have the time and resources to give every case the attention it needs to find unique and realistic resolutions. Unfortunately, there are rarely one-size-fits-all resolutions. Collaborative law provides an alternative. In divorce, the collaborative law process provides for unique outcomes that are tailored to the individual situation of the couple. A good collaborative team can gather the information needed and then take a 360 degree look at resolutions to take unforeseen circumstances into account. Where the courts may have formulaic outcomes in mind, collaboration can lead to outcomes that can change as circumstances change. Alimony or spousal maintenance, for example, does not necessarily need to end upon remarriage (as the law often presumes). Perhaps the parties agree to look at the realities of new partnerships and see if there are ways to find resolutions that take everyone’s interests into account? The resolutions may not be perfect, but they are reached together with all stakeholders at the table.

June 19, 2013

Debra Messing recently expressed guilt over her divorce and the fact that she and her husband couldn’t give her son “the fantasy” that her parents gave her in a marriage that was now ending. She said she and her husband both wanted to make it work and last forever but weren’t able to make it “go the course.” If you and your spouse are uncertain about whether you want to end your marriage, there are resources for you to use before making the final decision about a divorce. This is not marriage counseling for people who already know they want to continue their marriage and need help in making that happen, but ambivalence counseling which helps couples figure out whether they really want a divorce. Some trained mental health professionals who do this work in the collaborative divorce community are Brian Burns and Karen Haase. If you ultimately decide to get divorced, this ambivalence counseling work may help you understand each other’s perspectives about what happened during the marriage and the differences that led to your decision to divorce. Ambivalence counseling could also result in your decision to stay married or hold off the divorce. If, after counseling on your uncertainty about whether or not to be divorced, you decide that you do want to be divorced, don’t dwell too much on guilt or past mistakes in your marriage. Yes, you can learn from mistakes made, but assigning guilt made for past mistakes won’t be a strong foundation for final agreement in your divorce. You may have different memories and perspectives about why the marriage ended and may not reach agreement on these issues. Instead, you should focus on the present and future issues you face – where you will live, what your parenting schedule will be, how you will pay for your living expenses in two households and how you will divide your assets and debts. Focussing on the future and problem solving about these issues will be more productive for your family than attempting to assign blame or allow guilt to guide your decisions in a divorce. During the collaborative divorce process, these feelings of guilt or anger are acknowledged and addressed but don’t drive the process. A couple who had these feelings of guilt and anger during their collaborative divorce have shared their experience in a video which follows the steps in their divorce process.

June 14, 2013

While the divorce rate in the U. S. has been decreasing since its peak in the 1980’s, divorce rates for those over the age of 50 is at an all-time high. The divorce rate for this age group has doubled in the past 20 years. There are many reasons for this trend, including longer life expectancy, the increased financial independence of women, changing cultural values and the aging of the “me” generation of baby-boomers. The causes of gray divorces are varied. According to a 2004 AARP study of midlife divorce, the most common reasons given were abuse, infidelity, falling out of love, use of alcohol and drugs, and different lifestyles. Spouses who become “empty nesters” when their children leave home can find it difficult to find common ground. Those who divorce later in life have fewer remaining years in the workforce. This means reduced opportunity to accumulate assets post-divorce. Therefore, making sound financial decisions is critical to both parties’ future well-being. Valuing and dividing retirement plans, securing affordable medical insurance coverage for both parties, establishing and funding separate households, and analyzing cash flow at retirement require expert legal and financial advice.

June 13, 2013

Wow, the phrase “First vs. Second Wives” makes me cringe. There is so much wrong with it, or at least so much to dislike or be uncomfortable about. Let me count the ways (Keep in mind that this is in the context of Spousal Maintenance). It implies that there will be another wife after the first, which is a fair assumption, but still. It implies that the first and second wives will be at odds with each other over money, which is unfortunate and sad to think about. It implies that the husband, at least in his first marriage, is the breadwinner. In our culture of perceived independence and self-sufficiency, it may strike us as dependent and therefore inconsistent with current cultural standards. It uncomfortably reminds us that many spouses, most likely the wife and often for good reasons, give up career and educational advancement, and so their future financial independence and self-sufficiency, to stay at home with children for the benefit of the greater family. Then, if they divorce, they are in big financial trouble without consistent and lengthy financial support from their ex. I’ve seen many couples divorce where the breadwinner doesn’t want to or just won’t acknowledge the homemaker’s non-financial contribution to the family and opportunity cost of being out of the workforce or taking a lower-paying, more flexible job. I’ve also seen many cases where the homemaker never left home after the kids were older, when it would have been more appropriate to find employment, because re-entering the job market was likely the original marital intent. There is an interesting article in Time magazine’s May 27, 2013 edition titled “The End of Alimony” and a short radio segment, along eerily similar lines, on NPR titled “Alimony Till Death Do Us Part? Nay Say Some Ex-Spouses.” The basic premise of each is that there is growing momentum (but I’m not aware of any such movement in Minnesota) to limit Alimony court awards, or what we in Minnesota call “Spousal Maintenance.” The irony cited is that while ex-husbands used to be the only ones against Alimony, now second wives are also organizing to do away with Alimony, which their husband’s are paying to their ex-wives. The result, it is argued, makes for a pretty large constituency which legislators ignore at their own political peril. There is no Spousal Maintenance calculator in Minnesota. Instead it is a case-by-case, facts-and-circumstances analysis. One of the hardest, and grayest, part of the law in divorce is Spousal Maintenance. It often feels like pulling teeth to get a higher-earning spouse to even acknowledge that the lesser earning spouse has any reasonable financial need. Striking a balance to reach a fair outcome is the key. Traditionally trained attorneys, in my opinion, often do a terrible job addressing Spousal Maintenance. Just bringing it up is likely to start a battle that is out of proportion to the reasonableness of the request. That’s why Spousal Maintenance is a great issue to address with a Collaborative Divorce, because at the beginning of a Collaborative Divorce the attorneys and other professionals help the spouses identify their financial resources and shortfalls by analyzing their budgets in relation to their incomes. They also help the lower earning spouse explore their future career options (including going back to school) and therefore their reasonable financial need. The answer is not usually “yes” or “no”, in black and white. The initial answer is almost always “let’s evaluate this”, which is appropriate given the complexity of the question and the importance of the answer.

June 7, 2013

“I am so glad we came in together, this has been so helpful.” This is a comment I hear so often from couples after they come in to meet with me together to talk about their divorce process options. Not all attorneys offer the opportunity to come in together but it is becoming a more frequent offering by attorneys who practice Collaborative divorce. Who each of you meet with before you make any decision about how to move forward when there is a decision to divorce, can make all the difference in how things play out during and after a divorce for you, your spouse and children. Imagine, if one person meets with an attorney that focuses on gathering information (how much your spouse earns, nature and amount of assets, whether you want custody of the children, etc.) and assessing the outcome before you have decided how you will more forward with process (Mediation, traditional court process, Collaborative, etc.). It sets the tone for everything that follows, often times setting up a win-lose dynamic. But is that what you want? Most people want as healthy and positive co-parenting relationship going forward that they can have and want to achieve a win-win outcome. On the other hand, if a couple meets together with an attorney to learn about process options before getting into the details of the assets, cash flow/support, etc., you are focusing on the tone and manner in which you move forward, rather than the positions that can be formulated. Couples can then make a mutually informed decision about how to move forward. And the hidden benefit is that, if that attorney is hired by one of you, you already know the philosophy of the other key person in the negotiation; your spouses attorney. Imagine what a difference that can make in creating a more positive divorce experience. It can be an invaluable decision.

June 6, 2013

My wonderful in-laws were married for more than 71 years. During their later years, visitors to their apartment were surprised to see a copy of The Collaborative Way to Divorce on their bookshelf. The confusion was remedied after it they explained that they felt compelled to display the divorce book their son-in-law had co-authored. The situation with my in-laws always reminded me of the old joke about the couple who decided to divorce in their late 90’s, claiming that they had waited so long because they wanted “to wait until all the children have died”. In my 30 years of divorce practice, I have never met a couple who waited quite that long, but I have often heard clients tell me they were waiting “until the kids were grown.” I sometimes fear that this approach may have caused them to postpone marital counseling, or other marriage saving measures, until the bloom has fully gone off the rose. Still, I understand the desire to hold off on divorce to spare the children at least some of the pain. In practice, “waiting until the children have grown” generally means that, when the youngest child has reached the age of 16 or 17, one of the parents decides they are close enough to the finish line to start down the path toward divorce. These families are generally grateful that they have generally spared themselves the difficulties of having to work out a parenting schedule for young children. However, most of them also come realize that their children, grown or not, are still affected about the divorce. Grown children want their parents to get along, maybe as much as young children do. It is always sad to hear about a young man or woman who has to spend part of their wedding day worrying about whether mom and dad can be in the same room. Thankfully, parents who want to spare their children from that anxiety choose methods like Collaborative Divorce, that allow them to remain friends, or at least retain mutual respect, that keeps their children out of the middle, long after they have grown.

June 3, 2013

Have you ever attended a wedding where the groom’s parents refused to be in the same photograph? Do you know a bride who had to keep her divorced parents separated during the reception? The resulting tension can be palpable to everyone and can taint what should be a joyous occasion for the loving couple. A recent New York Times article describes the additional stress felt by children of divorced parents both before and during their weddings. When exes have difficulty communicating with each other, planning the event is more complicated and stressful for their child, who may be forced to consult with each parent individually. If either parent carries lingering resentment about financial issues, conversations about wedding expenses can trigger unresolved anger. Questions about who will participate in (or even attend) the ceremony may arise if the child’s relationship with either parent was damaged by the parents’ split. All of this unresolved anxiety shifts the focus away from the bride and groom and the happy occasion. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. Divorcing parents who choose the Collaborative divorce process are asked to articulate their dreams for the future. These goals typically include aspirations for a healthy co-parenting relationship and financial security for both parents. Setting goals empowers them to co-write the ending to their own unique divorce story. Doing so restores some sense of control during a turbulent time. Less resentment means a more peaceful future for the entire family. How a couple divorces has a ripple effect, impacting a wide circle of family and friends, with their children in the center. How they divorce will affect each and every future family event. What better wedding gift can any parents give their children than a day filled with loving support?

May 30, 2013

It occurs to me that just as in the rest of our lives, some of the best things in divorce are free. Here are more than a few free items that I came up with on a recent afternoon. Initial Consultation Most importantly, many atttorneys and other divorce professionals offer free (or low cost) initial consultations to help you understand your options. I enjoy offering free consultations because I can make the most impact on a person’s life by helping them at the very beginning before they waste time and money. General Divorce Information It’s free to keep reading this blog! There are many helpful articles to help guide your decisions. You can learn what is involved in divorce and how to choose professionals to help you with the divorce process. Read my Family Law blog called Always Family Center for free information about many Family Law topics. Learn more about Collaborative Divorce here. Want to look through the statute on divorce to get an overview of the law? It’s available for free here. Go to your local library. They all have a section on divorce and other legal topics. Why not take advantage of the free books at your local library? You already paid for it with your taxes, right! Parenting in Divorce You can view an 8 hour online class for divorcing or separating parents called Parents Forever for free or very little cost provided by the University of Minnesota. Children’s Expenses Here is a link to the Minnesota Department of Human Services publication titled Understanding Child Support: A Handbook for Parents. If you are curious about how the Minnesota Guidelines Child Support Calculator works, that’s available for free here. If you want to look through the statute on child support to get a more in-depth view of the law, it’s available for free here. Budgets Do you want to know what your budget is? Just look at your checkbook or last credit or debit card statement and make a list of the most common expenses. Thinking about moving out and living somewhere else and want to know how much it would cost? For rentals, just look online or make some phone calls from ads in the paper, all for free. Parenting Plans Want to create a great parenting plan? Consult with a Neutral Child Specialist. You can find one here. Look for the area titled “Find a Professional by Profession” and then chose “Child Specialist”. Here is probably the best available court system parenting schedule guide, which happens to be from Arizona (But helpful regardless of where your kids live!). Here’s the Parenting Agreement Worksheet from the Minnesota Court system. Again from Minnesota, here is A Parental Guide to Making Child-Foccused Parenting Time Decisions. Sending an email to your child’s other parent to tell them that you appreciate something about their parenting is free. Picking up the phone and talking with your ex about your child’s upcoming events is free (or nearly free). Want to search for a Collaborative Divorce attorney or financial professional or coach or child specialist? It’s right here on the Minnesota Collaborative Law Institute website.

May 20, 2013

Abraham Lincoln, one of my heroes, spoke to a divided nation in 1861 and expressed a hope that everyone, north and south, would be touched by “the better angels of our nature”. file3921269374368

These poetic words are often ringing in my ears when I sit with a divorcing couple hoping that they might be able to summon their best selves during difficult times. Divorce can be so emotionally challenging that it is easy to excuse people who cannot bring their better angels to the process. It would be wrong to judge anyone who, when facing divorce, becomes so blinded by fear or anger that they seem unable to summon their better natures. Yet, as a divorce attorney, someone who has a responsibility to help clients achieve better results, I cannot escape the fact that my job requires me to help them, (and if possible their spouse) find their better selves. I do know from nearly three decades of experience that they will make better decisions and get better outcomes, particularly for their children, if they can find their “better angels”. Until ten years ago, I did not think it was even possible to help clients find their better selves. Hardened by 20 years of practicing divorce law, I had come to believe that I had to, for the most part, accept irrational and self destructive behavior from my clients. However, during the past ten years, through the Collaborative Process, I have found that there are ways to help people find their better selves and, therefore, achieve better outcomes. This has been partly due to the training that I have received from my Collaborative Colleagues to help clients in new ways. It is strengthened by the fact that the other attorney will work with my client’s spouse in the same manner; and by the fact that the clients can get the support of a child specialist, financial neutral and coach who will help them both bring their best selves to the table.

May 20, 2013

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A frequent question asked during an initial phone call or meeting with a client is “When will I be divorced?” The answer is “It depends.” It depends on whether or not there are issues in dispute, what those issues are, how far apart you are on those issues, and whether emotions may impede resolution of those issues. There are a range of possible timelines. On the fast end is a very simple divorce with no children and very few assets, with both people agreeing on how to divide the assets. It usually will take an attorney about a week or less to draft the necessary legal documents (assuming all the necessary information has been provided to the attorney) and, if there is another attorney, the time needed by that attorney to review the documents. The next step, signing the documents, can be accomplished in a matter of days if both spouses are prompt in doing so. Once the documents are filed with the court, a judge will be assigned to the case and will review and sign the document (if it is acceptable and in proper form) within a month of filing of the documents. Even in those situations in which the couple thinks they have an agreement, it may be helpful to work with professionals who are trained in the collaborative process, and who are committed to helping them reach agreement, but also who can help identify issues that the couple has not addressed. Couples who “do their own divorce” sometimes miss issues that can create future conflict and possible litigation. More time will be needed if there are disputed issues involving parenting time, financial or other issues. The key in these situations is finding the resources to help the couple ultimately reach an agreement. Some cases drag on, not because of complex issues, but because the spouses are engaging in emotionally charged behavior creating obstacles to reaching agreement. Couples who work with neutral experts (rather than two competing experts) and with coaches and child specialists can avoid some of the common causes of protracted delays. Attorneys trained to facilitate settlement agreements can also help you make better use of your time. For names of professionals trained in the collaborative divorce process, visit the Collaborative Law Institute of MN website here. The more contentious cases which are not resolved by agreement may not go to a final court hearing or trial for a year or more. Since close to 97% of divorce cases in Minnesota are resolved by agreement, not trial, the process you use to reach an agreement will affect both the length of time needed and the quality of the agreement.