Recently I received a LinkedIn endorsement from Christa, a client I represented in 2008 in her collaborative divorce. In thanking her for her endorsement, I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing. With her permission, her response is reproduced below. At the time of her divorce, Christa’s two (2) daughters were 16 and 17, and Christa only worked part-time.
Hello Tonda,
How nice to hear from you! Life has been good on my end. I’ve move forward professionally and personally–continued to work in psychiatric research, first part-time and then, for the past 4 years full-time. In addition, I’ve been building my private counseling practice, which led to 60+ work hours per week. The practice is going well enough that I was able to resign my salaried position effective this November. It’s not easy leaving a place that feels like a curious and lovable community, but for the sake of living a full life, choices needed to be made.
In October 2008, a mutual friend introduced me to a man who is now my husband. He was married before and has 2 children–his son is the same age as my oldest daughter (23), and his daughter is 15. We were married February last year (2013) on Key West. Almost my entire family came over to be there for us–including some nieces and nephews. It was lovely.
Two weeks later, my former husband got married as well to a woman he had been dating since our separation.
The girls are doing very well. My oldest daughter will be graduating this coming spring with a major in education and mathematics. My youngest daughter will graduate next December, and then plans to get her MA degree in child psychology. After struggling with grades and transitions the first year, they have both become straight-A students.
My youngest daughter said something interesting the other day while we were driving. She said, “Mom, I can’t even imagine you and dad being together anymore; it’s not like I don’t remember, but you guys are so different, and all my friends can’t even believe the two of you were ever married. I mean, how did you make it work for so long?”
Today, both my daughters see the benefit of their parents having divorced and moved on. My former husband seems happy, has a good relationship with his daughters and brought a great woman into his life. I’m happy as well, and likewise have a wonderful connection with my daughters. Both daughters are relieved they don’t have to worry about either one of us, and both of them like our choice of new partners.
Everyone is well and happy. I’m very grateful for the part you played in giving me the information and support I needed to take the step toward divorce that had frightened me so much. Not once did I regret this transition. I appreciate the divorce process was not hostile. You were calm, wise and nurturing when I was in the grips of anxiety. Sure, there were hurt feelings and it’s very stressful going through this process. However, it left two people free to move forward and build a meaningful life. It also freed our children from the worry they had for parents who just could not be happy together.
So: thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
All the best,
Christa
I’m sharing this post with my readers because of the simple message of opportunity it carries for anyone facing divorce. If you know of someone about to face divorce, you would be doing him or her a great favor by sharing this article. You will help educate, inform, and provide the opportunity for choice and hope not only for the person you know, but also for their entire family.
This post is reprinted here with permission of Pauline Tesler, a Collaborative colleague who hails from California. Pauline is the co-founder and first president of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, frequent lecturer, and trainer.
Divorce as Temporary “Diminished Capacity”
You don’t need to be a lawyer or a psychologist to know that going through a divorce is one of life’s roughest passages. It can cause a myriad of emotional responses that can at times feel overwhelming and limit your ability to think clearly or make good choices. Unfortunately, this occurs at the very time you are called upon to make some of the most important decisions of your life.
For many people, the ending of a marriage is a time of temporary “diminished capacity.” By diminished capacity, we mean a period during which the person you thought you were on your best days—competent, thoughtful, considerate, reasonable, fair-minded, resilient—disappears for days or weeks at a time. The person you generally know yourself to be gets replaced temporarily by an unfamiliar and frightening self who can hardly summon up enough energy to get out of bed, wallows in fear, confusion or anger, or jumps to hasty conclusions in order to end the conflicting impulses about what to do and how to behave.
Recovering from the shock of a failed marriage involves moving through that initial period of diminished capacity, until gradually, more and more of the time, your pre-divorce “best-self” is back at the helm. Most people can expect to feel something like their old, pre-divorce selves in eighteen to twenty-four months from the time of the divorce decree, though it happens more quickly for some and more slowly for many. During that recovery period, it is quite common for people to veer suddenly and dramatically from day to day, or even hour to hour, between optimism and darkest pessimism, between cooperative good humor and frightening rage.
You may be experiencing such intense emotions as you come to terms with the possible—or actual—ending of your marriage. Most people do, at least some of the time. Keeping the focus on best intentions and good decision making in light of that reality is what collaborative divorce is all about.
Thinking clearly about what kind of divorce you want and how you’ll get there may be an unfamiliar concept to you. Most people are surprised to learn that the choices made right at the start of the divorce process have great impact on what kind of a divorce experience they will have. Even when people do understand the high stakes of those early choices, thinking clearly and making intelligent choices at that time can be very challenging, because divorce is an emotional wild ride like no other. Even very reasonable and civilized people can find unexpected, hard-to-manage emotions popping up at the most inconvenient times, particularly during the early months of a separation and divorce—exactly the time when you will be making decisions that determine what kind of divorce you are likely to get, and how your divorce will affect the rest of your life.
When you choose collaborative divorce, a team of professional helpers from the fields of law, psychology, and finance will provide coordinated support and guidance to help you and your partner slow down, reflect, focus on values, aspire to high goals, make good choices, work together constructively while avoiding court, plan for the future, and reach deep resolution. In our experience, this kind of coordinated professional help isn’t available anywhere else but in collaborative divorce. If you choose it, you and your spouse can count on professional advice and counsel that will:
- encourage both of you to remember your goal: the best divorce the two of you are capable of achieving
- educate and remind you about the divorce grief and recovery process so that you can choose to operate from your hopes rather than your fears
- help you focus on the future rather than the past, and on your deepest personal values and goals for the future rather than what the local judge is permitted to order
- make it possible for your financial advice to come from a financial expert, and your parenting advice to come from a child specialist, so that your lawyer is freed to do what lawyers do best: help you reach well-considered resolution
- keep you and your spouse focused on how your children are really doing, and how the two of you can help them move through the divorce with the least possible pain and “collateral damage”
- teach both of you new understanding and skills that will help you be more effective co-parents after the divorce than you may be capable of right now as your marriage ends
- make sure you and your spouse have all the information you’ll need to make wise decisions—not just information about the law, but also about finance, child development, grief and recovery, family systems, negotiating techniques, and anything else that will help you devise creative lasting solutions
- emphasize consensus and real resolution, not horse-trading and quick fixes
- help you maintain maximum privacy, creativity, and self-determination in your divorce.
Rupert Murdoch’s divorce from his third wife is all but final. It seems they reached a settlement agreement that presumably divides their assets and details a parenting schedule for their two children. Who did what to whom? Who is the more capable parent? What is the settlement? What did the reported prenuptial and multiple postnuptial agreements say? We will never know and it is for the best.
While the details would have provided entertaining reading about how the other half live, the family will benefit from not having their opinions/positions about each other immortalized in an affidavit or court transcript. While I can only guess what went on behind closed doors, I believe the following quote from their publicist hints that they may have gone into negotiations with a shared goal of dissolving their marriage in a respectful manner, with the needs of their two daughters in the forefront.
“We move forward with mutual respect and a shared interest in the health and happiness of our two daughters,” the Murdoch publicist stated.
By not taking a position and sharing an interest, the Murdochs did not have to divulge the details that would have helped a judge to make a decision about their lives, and would have kept people entertained for hours. They took matters into their own hands and figured it out with a common goal, and thereby they were able to keep private matters private.
Thus, they gave their daughters the best chance of being happy, as they could go through life without knowing, hopefully, what their parents thought of each other. They are left knowing that their welfare guided their parents discussions and kept the matter out of court, and therefore, confidential. 
Choosing an attorney to represent you in a divorce proceeding at first may sound fairly straightforward. Too often I see this critical step not being given the attention it deserves. Sometimes it is simply a friend, relative or co-worker who refers someone who they felt or heard was good. While everyone means well, I suggest they probably don’t know what your goals and interests are for your divorce. They don’t know if a particular attorney is a good fit for you.
Sometimes a client will find the first attorney who tells them what they want to hear. This often is a big red flag. Ultimately, only you will be able to decide who the best fit may be for your circumstances. I hope this three part series of posts on the importance of choosing an attorney, issues to consider when choosing an attorney, and finally some questions to ask a divorce attorney, will provide you with some valuable insights.
I believe choosing an attorney is the third most important decision you will make on your journey to get unmarried. Remember in The first post of “Getting Unmarried” the most important decision is deciding to get unmarried in the first place. In Part II, I wrote the second most important decision is to research and decide “How to get unmarried;” essentially deciding on the divorce process that you feel–and hopefully your spouse feels–will accomplish the goals you both want to achieve.
The third most important decision I’ll cover in this first of a three part series will be on the importance of choosing an attorney for yourself and equally as important if not more important is who your spouse decides to hire as an attorney. But let’s put first things first. In my way of thinking, you can’t begin to choose an attorney until you first, decide to get unmarried and, secondly, decide what type of divorce process you and your spouse want to use.
Provided you have made these first two decisions, let’s make an assumption that both you and your spouse will want an attorney. If you have children from your marriage and or have significant assets and/or liabilities to ultimately allocate between you and your spouse in a property settlement, I strongly encourage everyone with these circumstances to be represented by an attorney. Let me disclose here, I am not an attorney. Too many do it yourself divorce packages often result in repeated appearances in court and end up being significantly more costly to the clients down the road. Leaving it to guesswork or not giving your property settlement the attention it deserves can be costly. Remember your marriage may not last forever but your property settlement will.
If you have children let me share this quote by Neil Postman, an American writer and professor, with you. “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” When children are involved they will be watching closely for the messages you and your spouse send to them about your divorce. They will live and carry those messages throughout their lifetime.
For these reasons, give careful and thoughtful consideration to the process you choose for your divorce and the attorneys both you and your spouse end up hiring. In the second part of this series, I outline important issues to consider when choosing an attorney. 
Unmarried and have children? You may be interested to know that “Collaborative Divorce” is not just for divorce. Learn how the collaborative process can help you.
First, it may be relieving to know that you are not alone. There are some interesting recent statistics related to marriage and children. Nearly half of children in America are born outside of marriage. And, for women under 30, most children are born outside of marriage.
Whether you are married or not, if you separate from the other parent, you’ll need to figure out custody, parenting time and financial support issues related to your children. These are legal issues that should be finalized in a court order, either by agreement reached in the collaborative process or mediation, or by a court decision after a trial.
There is a great online resource related to unmarried parents (useful to both unmarried mothers and unmarried fathers), available here for free from Legal Services State Support.
The collaborative process is designed to increase communication and trust while helping you resolve these issues.
You might be interested to know that this website, collaborativedivorceoptions.com, is part of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota and the articles are written by it’s members. Keep in mind that divorce is only one type of legal issue where the collaborative process is used. Why do I point this out? Because it’s important to know that Collaborative Law is not just for divorce. If you aren’t married but you have children, it’s important to know that you can still participate in a collaborative process rather than taking your case to court.
The same collaborative principles apply whether you are married or not. In the collaborative process, you each hire attorneys trained in the collaborative process and you all sign an agreement not to go to court. Then you have a series of joint meetings where you all meet together, many times with other neutral professionals such as a coach, child specialist or financial specialist.
In the end, you just file your agreement with the court rather than having a trial or other court hearings. That’s it. You never have to set foot in a courtroom and the process is structured and respectful.
My previous posts have covered: Making the decision to get divorced and searching out the various processes on how to get divorced, including collaborative divorce. From my way of thinking, which is not necessarily how anyone else might think, the next step for me was to talk with my spouse. So filled with my newfound knowledge about collaborative divorce this is what I proceeded to do.
While I was hopeful we could agree to use the collaborative process, I also realized that getting both of us to agree on this would be one of my biggest challenges. I think we both felt certain about divorce, now it was how to accomplish it. I spoke with her one evening (we were still living in the same house) and discussed what I had learned about collaborative divorce.
I had a couple of brochures (not attorney specific material) provided by the attorney I had decided to work with, along with a list of about 10-15 collaborative attorneys and their contact information. I talked about the benefits for both of us in using this process (see my last post). I encouraged her to look over the material and to speak with another collaborative attorney or several so she could make an informed choice. I was still hopeful after this discussion that she would agree to a collaborative divorce. In the back of my mind, I had some doubts simply because during our 30 some years of marriage, there were many times when we would not agree on what I thought were issues of significant importance.
A few days later my former spouse told me she had contacted another attorney, not one of the several listed as collaborative attorneys. She told me that this attorney recommended against a collaborative divorce, stating it was not necessarily less expensive or less stressful. It wasn’t until later when I found out she had talked to an attorney who was well known in family law circles as someone who vigorously opposed collaborative divorce due to the fact that if issues could not be settled, both of us would have to find different attorneys to represent us going forward. I wrote about this in a my previous post about collaborative divorce. What I liked about this feature was it put everyone, including attorneys, on the same side of the fence sharing the goal of reaching agreements without court.
I ask you to think about this for a minute. The attorney I talked to did both traditional divorce litigation and collaborative divorce work. She could have recommended either. My attorney recommended collaborative divorce after listening to my desired goals. The attorney my spouse talked with only did traditional litigation divorce, and so what do you think she was going to recommend. Did that attorney talk with my spouse about my spouse’s goals? Whose interests were being placed first? While the answer to this question seems clear to me, Go to my website and under “about us” click on the Collaborative Divorce Knowledge Kit. Especially look at page 2, outlining the differences between collaborative and litigation processes. I’ll let you decide for yourself which process places your interests first.
It wasn’t until later, well into the divorce process, I found out this attorney had a reputation for contentious litigation, driving up costs for legal fees, and stretching out the time it took to get divorced. My spouse ended up hiring this attorney. It was my worst nightmare. Of all the attorney’s she could have hired she chose this one. Oddly, this should not have come as a surprise to me, and looking back now, maybe it didn’t. But it sure was a huge disappointment, to say the least.
Hindsight being 20/20, if I were to go back and do something different, it would be to have asked my spouse to attend a meeting with a collaboratively trained coach. In most cases this would be a mental health professional, (not a therapist) and me together to further explore the benefits of a collaborative divorce vs. a traditional divorce and our own individual and joint goals for this process. While I have doubts my spouse would have attended such a meeting, since she had previously declined to participate in marital counseling, I wish I would have known at the time to ask for such a meeting. My advice to any divorcing couple is to take advantage of utilizing a collaborative coach even when exploring divorce options. I wish I had. But always remember it takes two to effectively collaborate.
In my next post of “Getting Unmarried” before I get into my actual divorce process experience, I’ll talk a little more about choosing an attorney.
Professionals who work with divorcing couples know that it is rare for couples to be at the same place in terms of deciding whether the marriage needs to end. In almost every case, there is one spouse who has taken more time to think about the life of the marriage and how it may have become damaging to both parents and children.
What are some tips for those who have given the subject a great deal of thought, and think the future could be brighter in two homes?
- Make sure your spouse knows that you have heard their own complaints. On a consistent basis, when they start to complain about your behavior, let them know you understand they are unhappy also, and that you want them to be happy as much as you want to be happy. Life is short, and going around in circles over what can’t be fixed is wasted time. It’s important to acknowledge with respect that you may not be able to meet each other’s needs, even if you were able to do so at one time.
- Do your research. Find ways to approach a potential divorce as positive as possible, and will not end in your family’s ruin. Collaborative Divorce is a professional team approach to solving family differences which focuses on creating the smartest solution possible – with an intentional financial plan, and parenting plan. Find a way to contain the amount of time you need to make decisions, to contain the cost and get the smartest solution possible for your family. Share the positive aspects of your research with your spouse.
- Find a safe place to talk. This may NOT be your kitchen table, or the local coffee shop. It may be in the office of a family specialist with the knowledge and skill to create a therapeutic setting for tough conversations. Talk with respected friends and colleagues who may know a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), Licensed Social Worker (LICSW), Psychologist (LP) or other mental health professional who understands the dynamics of family systems and has a positive, proven approach.
You are getting ready to tell your spouse about your divorce; Should you get an attorney?
On the one hand, you want to be protected. Going through divorce without an attorney can feel like entering a foreign country without a guide. During this difficult process it seems critical to have someone who is truly on your side.
At the same time, you have a fear that lawyers will stir things up and cause unnecessary acrimony and expense. Lawyers can mean court; and your instincts tell you that going to court, or even threatening court, could turn your divorce into an economic and emotional nightmare.
It would be great if you could have the best of both worlds. It would be wonderful if there was a legal expert on your side who will not stir things up; someone who could be your best friend without becoming your spouse’s worst enemy.
Today, in Minnesota, you have that option. It’s called Collaborative Practice. In Collaborative Practice you hire an attorney for settlement purposes only. Collaborative Attorneys are typically trained in ways to help guide you through your divorce that protect your interests without creating unnecessary acrimony. In a Collaborative case, your attorney and your spouse’s attorney are both prohibited from going to court, or even threatening court.
Collaborative attorneys in your community will also meet with you, at no charge, to explain more about the process and to help you learn more about whether Collaborative Practice is the best choice for you. To find a Collaborative attorney and to set up your free consultation, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.
I recently met with a man (I’ll call him John) whose wife wanted to divorce. He was very much against ending the marriage. He went to the office of his wife’s attorney presumably to discuss settlement, but instead received his Wife’s proposal for settlement set forth in a Summons and Petition. Over the next six months, he attempted to meet with his wife to discuss her proposal or alternatively what could be done to save the marriage.
Though the couple was “getting along” while continuing to live together, no meeting took place to discuss the divorce or the possibility of reconciliation. When John came to meet with me, a collaborative divorce attorney, he handed me two un-opened letters he recently received from the District Court.
The first was a notice for an Initial Case Management Conference (ICMC) court appearance which he had missed. The second, was a notice for a default hearing the next day to grant the divorce! At issue, was up to $50,000.00 that John would lose if the divorce was granted based on his wife’s proposal in the Petition. Obviously, I advised John to appear at the default hearing and throw himself on the mercy of the court to delay the default hearing so he could participate in the divorce proceeding.
Regardless of whether or not John’s version of the facts are completely accurate, it can be confusing to know if and when a legal proceeding is commenced. In Minnesota, a divorce action is commenced when you are personally “served” with a Summons and Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. “Service” is most frequently accomplished when a person over the age of 18 years old—who is not your spouse—delivers you a copy of a Summons and Petition signed by your spouse, now called the Petitioner. If the Petitioner is represented by an attorney, the documents are also signed by the attorney.
“Service” does not need to be done by the sheriff or police. It is frequently performed by private process servers. It can also be performed by your neighbor or a relative. The documents simply needs to be handed to you by a person over the age of 18 (but not your spouse) who later files an Affidavit with the Court swearing on that date he or she delivered to you a Summons and Petition. Once service on you has been made, the clock starts ticking as to when you must respond to the Petition. If you fail to respond appropriately, the Court can grant the Petitioner a divorce based on the proposal set forth in the Petition.
This is what happened to John. He did not realize he was officially served when the legal assistant at the attorney’s office handed him a Summons and Petition. It was more confusing because the documents were not signed by the wife’s attorney. Instead, the wife signed the documents “pro se”, meaning she was representing herself. It became even more confusing because the parties continued to live together and the wife made no mention that an ICMC court appearance was scheduled.
The wife appeared at the court hearing, but never mentioned to John that he had failed to show up, nor did she mention the default hearing date. Nevertheless, John was at risk of having the divorce granted by the court. Lesson learned: Consult with an attorney if you are not sure a legal action has been commenced and open your mail!
By contrast, this could not happen if John and his wife had agreed to use a collaborative process for their divorce. In a collaborative process, the parties agree to commence the divorce together by signing a Joint Petition. No service is necessary. Everybody knows what is going on. Everybody participates equally in reaching a settlement before the legal documents are drafted and filed with the court.
I have since learned that John appeared in Court at the default hearing. As a result, the Court continued the hearing so that John could participate in the divorce. Whew! That was a close one.