- Do you want your children to be in the center rather than in the middle?
- Do you want your lawyer to be a wise counselor rather than a hired gun?
- Are you willing to be in the same room with your spouse or partner?
- Are you able to speak for yourself and articulate your own goals and interests?
- Are you open to solutions that respect both your and your spouse’s interests?
- Do you want to focus on future solutions rather than past disagreements?
- Do you want a comfortable co-parenting relationship with your former spouse?
- Are you willing to experience and live with some discomfort at times during your divorce?
- Do you want solutions that take into consideration the uniqueness of your family?
- Do you want to model healthy dispute resolution for your children, friends and family?
- Do you want to be able to look back on your divorce and feel good about both the outcome and how you handled yourself during the process?
- People can choose to have a parenting expert help them with their children rather than leaving the parenting issues divorce lawyers.
- People can choose to have a financial expert teach them about how to handle finances better rather than just fight over who gets the bigger slice of the pie.
- People can choose to improve their communication, and even, if possible improving their respect and trust of each other, by getting the emotional support that they need.
- People can choose to focus on their highest goals, like reducing conflict and can avoid getting caught up in minor issues.
- People can even choose to put the divorce on pause, if appropriate, to give them time to look at their marriage and determine whether they want to work on reconciliation.
As a society, we are inclined to attach shorthand labels to everything from parenting (Tiger Mom, Soccer Mom, Helicopter Parents) to politics (Red States and Blue States, the War on Drugs). It’s a function of our human brains that we are wired to categorize concepts in order to make sense of the world, but sometimes it feels like we’ve put this tendency on steroids. Too often people assume a label is sufficient to explain complex social phenomena (Obamacare, the Arab Spring) or to fully define an individual or group of people (Boomers, Gen X’ers, Millenials). We confuse sound bites with explanations. Think about the times you’ve seen two shorthand labels in a headline, maybe with a “vs.” in between, and believed there was no need to read further to understand the situation (Israeli vs. Palestinian conflict). It is easy to become polarized instead of thoughtful, rigid instead of nuanced.
I recently attended the Fetzer Symposium, a multidisciplinary gathering of Collaborative professionals, mediators, judges and others whose professional lives have been devoted to creativity and healing. Each of the fifty participants was there because they were attracted to the theme: “Divorce: What does Love have to do With It?” A rich tapestry of conversations, ideas and initiatives was created. Professional labels just weren’t that important—-everyone there was committed to reducing conflict in divorce. I thought of the tendency we have to label family law processes and sometimes pit them against each other (collaborative vs. cooperative vs. adversarial vs. mediated vs. litigated). Not only does it waste precious energy and create unnecessary conflict to oppose someone based solely on the label attached to their work, such animosity can also prevent us from looking further, going past the label to find our common values in helping families through crisis. There is plenty of room at the family law table. I felt honored and hopeful to be among so many family law professionals of all stripes who have earned the right to add peacemaking to other adjectives describing their work, not as a shorthand label but as an invitation to go beyond the label.- Unique child support or expense sharing arrangements based on historical costs/expenses
- Tax consequences of support options and property division
- Creative financing options for a second home (or two new homes)
- Parenting plan that addresses communication about the children, introduction of significant others, in addition to parenting schedules
- Tracing of non-marital property (pre-marriage ownership, inheritances, gifts, etc.)
- Maximizing property for both spouses