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RoadmapOften when we decide to do something of significance, like go on vacation, obtain a college degree, search for a new job, or save for a future purchase we develop a plan.  If you are serious about the task set before you, you will develop a written plan to keep you on track and measure your progress. Getting unmarried, as I now refer to divorce, should be no different. In fact, if you choose to use a collaborative divorce process, we utilize a written document called “Roadmap to Resolution.” I have found the use of this Roadmap extends beyond divorce planning.  I use it as a general problem-solving model. The Roadmap has 6 essential steps.
  1. Set Goals  The four basic sets of big picture goals include: Relationship goals between you and your soon to be ex-spouse Goals related to your children regardless of their ages Financial goals as to how you and your spouse would like your future financial lives to look so you both can have the greatest sense of financial well being with the resources you have Process goals as to how you and your spouse would like the process to work for you
  2. Gather Information and Identify Issues This includes gathering all financial documents and other relevant information that will be necessary to itemize all assets, liabilities, income, estimated reasonable and necessary living expenses, and property received as a gift, inherited, or acquired before the marriage.  All of this information is documented in your final divorce decree.  If you have children, this also includes information about your children their needs and special activities and costs associated with each one.
  3. Generate Options This step is when the collaborative team including attorneys, coach, child specialist,  financial neutral, and clients brainstorm to identify any options that come to mind regardless of how silly or unpleasant those options might sound initially.  The key is to write down as many options as possible without anyone commenting or trying to evaluate any stated options.
  4. Evaluate Options Here the clients indentify the options they would like to evaluate and consider.  It is at this stage clients can fully explore the pros and cons of each of the options listed and prioritize them.
  5. Negotiate/Make Decisions After fully evaluating any options clients are able to negotiate and make decisions they both can live with.
  6. Generate Documents Once all necessary decisions are made, the attorneys go to work to document agreements by preparing a draft decree for each spouse to review and ultimately sign.
The model flows both ways; meaning if you are in step 5 negotiate/make decisions, another option may present itself, creating a need for further evaluation and new negotiation and decision making. The “Roadmap to Resolution” model provides the framework for helping spouses work through a collaborative divorce and ultimately reach agreements on all relevant issues. By using the “Roadmap to Resolution, the collaborative team process, has literally helped thousands of couples across the country and around the world end their marriage but save their family. Choose your process wisely.
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In part I of keep more of your money in your family; choosing your process wisely I wrote about the well known traditional litigated court based divorce process and mediation. In this issue, I will cover Collaborative Divorce. Collaborative divorce is an option you and your spouse should thoroughly explore before making any choice about divorce process. It is my belief that you and your spouse should first decide upon process before you ever hire an attorney. You can then match the right attorney to the right process. Just because they are, a divorce attorney does not mean they can be effective and efficient in all processes. In a collaborative divorce , a collaboratively trained attorney through the entire process represents each spouse. A financial specialist helps couples sort out their financial issues including gathering all the financial data necessary for the divorce decree and presenting it to their respective attorneys in a format that helps attorneys review the numbers more efficiently. Contrast this with you and your spouse providing each of your attorneys the financial data, the two attorneys talking together about the financial data and then going back to you their client to discuss those conversations then going back again to the other attorney to discuss. Let me ask you on just this one basic step in the financial process, do you think you would keep more of your money in your family? Do you want to be paying two attorneys to do this financial data gathering or would you prefer to pay one financial specialist? A financial specialist is the one person who is in the best position to help you keep more of your financial resources in your family throughout the divorce process. They can save you taxes, come up with some creative options, and other ideas that allow both you and your spouse to create the best financial outcome for each of you given your existing resources. In any divorce with minor children, a parenting plan is created and documented. In the collaborative divorce process, this is usually completed with a child specialist. This person helps parents articulate and document a well thought out plan to co-parent their children. The child specialist meets with the parents and often times meets with the children separately and then with everyone together. This level of attention to the family well-being is not found in other processes. You can of course work with two attorneys or a mediator to come up with a parenting time schedule and perhaps another piece or two of a well thought out plan. What you are not likely to get is a complete parenting plan that increases the likelihood of your children successfully navigating your divorce with you and your spouse. Also available in the collaborative divorce process is a neutral divorce coach. The divorce coach helps spouses communicate effectively during the divorce process and come up with a plan for post divorce communication and relationship. This can lower conflict, which can decrease costs. If emotions run high at some point during the divorce process, a coach acts to ground you in the areas that are important to you. This enables both you and your spouse, to effectively communicate your needs, interests, and concerns all necessary to produce the higher-level outcome intended to last for a long time. It is interesting to me that I often hear people say they are concerned about divorce costs when learning about collaborative divorce. Yet the collaborative divorce process minimizes attorney involvement since much of the work with the neutral financial specialist, neutral child specialist, and neutral divorce coach is completed without attorneys present. Attorneys usually are the highest paid professionals in any divorce process and most are not trained in financial issues, child and family systems, or other family relationship dynamics. What attorneys are trained in is the law. So imagine yourself utilizing a divorce process providing you with a menu of professional resources to help you and your family work with specialists in their respective fields and yet always have access to your own attorney who will be your advocate.   Of the three processes discussed in this two issue article which do you think will allow you to keep more of your money in your family, traditional litigation, mediation, or collaborative divorce? Remember to help you keep more of your money in your family choose your process wisely. In Part II of Keep More of Your Money in Your Family, I will write about choosing your attorney wisely.
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561097939-man-inserting-coin-into-piggy-bank-gettyimagesGetting married sometimes can be expensive if you let it. Getting unmarried can be even more expensive if you and or your spouse allows it to get that way. In divorce, emotions are high and often contribute to higher levels of conflict. Conflict is expensive. Many divorcing couples want to know how they can keep more of their financial resources between themselves and in their family. After all the more that goes to pay for divorce costs means less for each spouse and for their children if they have children. In this upcoming series, I will write about some tips on how to keep more of your financial resources in your family. Here is the first tip:
  1. Choose your process wisely. Study your options and know what you and your spouse want. I ask divorcing clients what would need to happen in your divorce so you could look back three years from now and say this was a successful transition for your family and you. Paint that picture for me. Be honest with yourself.
    1. If you want a knock down drag out divorce, you know the Katie bar the door kind or I will show him/her, or I will make him/her pay, a more traditional litigation process certainly fits that bill. Moreover, that bill will be very expensive. On top of that, someone else, a judge, will be making decisions for you since you and your spouse are not able to reach agreements on your own.   If you think, you are going to win and be the victor you have already lost because there are no winners in divorce. Most judges tend to think the best outcome if they have to decide your divorce is one when both spouses equally share the pain and both spouses are somewhat dissatisfied.
    2. You may consider mediation. Most people have heard about mediation. Mediation can be less expensive than a traditional court based process.   Mediators however, are not able to provide legal advice. This is true even if the mediator is an attorney. Sometimes couples choose to have their own lawyers present at mediation sessions to overcome the no legal advice dilemma. Mediators, even if they are an attorney are not able to draft/prepare final divorce decree documents. If a mediator helps you reach agreements, you, and your spouse take those agreements to an attorney to draft the final documents and that attorney can only represent one of you, not both spouses. I always encourage my divorcing clients to each have their own attorney when reviewing any final documents resulting from mediation. You may run into one or both of the attorneys encouraging you not to accept the mediated agreements or parts of the agreements. In my practice, I recommend to clients attorneys that I know and have worked with, are settlement oriented, and not inclined to escalate conflict in an already mediated agreement. That is not to say there will not be some tweaks here and there because there always are and for good reason.
In part II of Keep More of Your Money in Family, I will talk about collaborative divorce, the professionals involved, and how it can help you keep more of your money. Stay tuned more to come.
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138524804-oranges-gettyimagesWhat can an orange possibly help us with in our collaborative divorce or any divorce process for that matter? You may have heard about interest based negotiations vs. position based negotiations. When I am working as a financial neutral or mediator with divorcing couples, I use an orange to demonstrate these two different approaches. I place an orange on the table and then say to the couple; here we have one orange for the two of you. How are you going to decide who gets the orange? Most people will say cut it in half. While this certainly works, it may not be the best approach. Here is why. I then tell them each why they want the orange. One wants it to eat because they are hungry. The other wants the orange peel for baking. Now if we were to cut it in half as most people will say they both only get half of what they need. It is only when they state why the orange is important to them that an agreement can be reached. When negotiating divorce issues think of the orange and remember to talk about your interests instead of locking into a position. The quicker you get to the interests you will be that much closer to an agreement. Not only is emotion and conflict minimized you also get more of what you need/want.  Think orange.
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174895184-conflict-gettyimagesA strategy used by some divorcing spouses and their attorneys is to threaten that they will take the other spouse to court. Threatening court is a negotiation strategy in an effort to get the other side to give up or significantly compromise their position(s). When attorneys use this tactic, they often will prepare for a trial. The trial preparation ends up being extremely expensive and emotionally exhausting for the involved spouses. Often a hatred for the other spouse develops because of trials and/or the threatened use of court. The reality is a small fraction of divorces end up in trial. The overwhelming reason those cases do end up in trial is because spouses and their attorneys refuse to negotiate. Sometimes a spouse will tell their attorney to go for the throat or they say I want to make him/her pay. It is the divorcing spouses and unfortunately their children, if any, that end up paying the price financially and emotionally. Seeking revenge does not have a place in any divorce process and accompanied by an unwillingness to negotiate in good faith sets up a strategy to fail. Collaborative divorce on the other hand takes the threatened use of court totally out of the picture. Both spouses are represented by their own collaboratively trained attorney. Spouses and attorneys alike commit in writing not to go to court. Conceptually this enhances the likelihood of reaching agreements by placing the spouses and their attorneys on the same side of the table in an effort to settle on all issues. Let me ask you which process do you think provides both spouses with a potentially better outcome? Which process do you think you will have the most control over the outcome?   Which process will give your children, if any, a better opportunity for future success by creating an effective co-parenting plan? Finally, which process will seek to minimize the stress both emotionally and financially for you and your spouse? Download this free divorce knowledge kit showing a comparison chart between collaborative divorce and a court-based litigation process, case studies, and general information how a collaborative divorce may benefit you. Additional divorce resources can be found under the about us section at www.integrashieldfinancial.com. Remember to choose your process wisely.
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173776883-chasm-man-woman-silhouette-gettyimagesUnderstanding the difference between interests and positions could make all of the difference in helping you negotiate a better outcome in your divorce. Position-Based Bargaining: Most people have a tendency to negotiate by arguing in favor of their positions. In divorce, this type of “position-based” bargaining can actually make it more difficult to get what you want. Once you and your spouse become locked into positions, the need to defend those positions can lead to a lengthy and expensive divorce. Often position based negotiations come to an end only after both parties have reached a point of physical and emotional exhaustion only to reach a “meet in the middle” agreement. One of the many problems with meeting in “the middle” is that the best solutions may have existed outside of either position. Creative negotiation that avoid positions and focus on interests can lead to outcomes that are better for both parties. Interest-Based Bargaining:   In divorce, couples start by determining their interests and look for true “win/win” scenarios. In order to appreciate how interest-based bargaining works, it is important to understand the difference between positions and interests. Positions are narrow; “win/lose” proposals can only be satisfied in one way. For example, statements such as “I want Sole custody” or “I need $5,000 per month in support” or “I must have the house” represent positions that require the other person to “lose” in order for you to win. On the other hand, “interests” (sometimes called goals) focus on big picture desires that can be satisfied in many ways. Statements such as “I want our children to be kept out of the conflict” or “I want financial stability for both homes” or “I want us to be able to communicate better in our co-parenting” are requests to have an important interest met. One of the advantages of focusing on big-picture interests is that you and your spouse are likely to have many of these interests in common. Therefore, although working on the details of how these interests can be met will still require some problem solving skills (and some bargaining) the negotiation becomes easier because you are both working toward these important common goals. Interest-based bargaining is a skill that needs to be developed over time. Divorce negotiations are usually improved when the professionals involved have significant training and experience in this method so that they can teach these skills to their clients. Most mediators and Collaborative professionals have training and experience in interest based bargaining. To locate a professional who understands this method to interview and to learn more about interest based divorce negotiation go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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Divorce is unfair in that is often asks people to make some of the most important decisions in their lives at a time when they may be impaired by many emotions, including grief. Many clients experiencing divorce have described the process as feeling like dealing with a death.  It is true that no person dies, and therefore the analogy of death is not perfect, but a marriage dies and some amount of grief would seem quite natural. In addition, grieving the loss of a marriage can be complicated because there is less of a support network.  As a culture, we have learned how to help people grieve death. However, the people in your support network may not know how to help you grieve the loss of your marriage, and that can cause them to respond with either anger or avoidance instead. One of the significant trends in our society is an increased understanding of the role of hospice when someone in approaching death. Hospice occurs after all efforts to preserve life have been exhausted. At that time, the focus of the medical team and support personnel turns away from finding a medical “solution” and toward providing comfort and care and preparation for what lies ahead. It may seem odd, to think about hospice for a dying marriage, but many of the same principles may apply. If all efforts to save the marriage have been exhausted, it may be best for the legal team, as well as friends and family, to switch to providing comfort, and, perhaps, to finding time to grieve. Giving divorcing clients time to grieve, and providing resources to help them with the grief, (including options such as coaching, or divorce closure counseling), could help people make better decisions when they are ready to focus on divorce details. If you are facing divorce, and feel like you need time to grieve, it is important to select a divorce team that understands why this is important, and to fully explore your divorce options so that your emotional health can be taken into account. To learn more, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.  
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150973506-torn-childs-drawing-depicting-family-gettyimagesIn”The Importance of Attachment: Part I“, I outlined the key developmental value of a secure attachment relationship between a child and a parent.   Secure attachment is the foundation of resilience.  Adverse life events, like a divorce, can be mastered by resilient children, especially if their secure attachments are not threatened by the divorce.  As a Neutral Child Specialist, my goal is to make sure that the crisis of a divorce does not become a trauma for a child. I recently attended a workshop on the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), a series of questions that allows researchers to understand how well an adult has integrated his or her own life experiences, both positive and adverse.  Adults who have managed to integrate their experiences into a coherent narrative are considered securely attached.  Unfortunately, according to a number of research studies, only about half of all adults have secure attachments as measured by the AAI.  The remainder have not been able to integrate adverse experiences, and remain either highly anxious or disconnected from them.  Some insecurely attached adults who were traumatized as children live in constant emotional chaos.  Researchers speculate that the quality of adult attachment is related to how capable a person is to form an emotionally safe, committed and loving relationship with another adult. Numerous longitudinal research studies have discovered another impact of adult attachment. There is a very high level of correlation between how an adult responds on the AAI and the subsequent quality of attachment that adult is able to create with his or her own child.  Compellingly, the life story a person tells on the AAI is a stronger predictor of quality of attachment with his or her child than actual observed parental behavior.  In other words, the impact of emotional distress and trauma in childhood will reverberate across generations unless a parent gets the necessary support and healing to integrate his or her life into a coherent narrative.  It is possible for adults to shift from insecurely attached to securely attached, but it requires the healing that comes from therapeutic relationships. Obviously the best way to ensure secure attachments for generations of children is to prevent trauma in their lives.  Of all the reasons to select a divorce process that supports respectful and healthy resolutions and builds the foundation for effective co-parenting, it is the legacy of secure attachment that will be left for your children and future generations.  Collaborative Practice is one such process.  
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535246039-conflict-arguement-between-african-descent-gettyimagesDid you wake up today and think to yourself, out of the blue, “I want a divorce.”? Not likely. Often divorce lingers in one’s mind and consumes one’s thoughts more months, even years. Contemplating divorce involves a lengthy process of weighing pros and cons, thinking about life without your spouse, what things will be like for the kids, managing finances, maybe having to go back to work or change jobs to make ends meet on a single income, and many other scenarios. Even once all things have been taken into consideration people sometimes get stuck on bringing it up with their spouse, that alone could take months. Then once they do bring it up, the spouse might convince them to stay and work things out. Months, maybe years later sometimes this cycle begins again. There are no right or wrong answers when considering how long you should “think” about it before filing for a divorce. Some circumstances beget immediate consideration, while many wish to attempt marriage counseling and other resolutions first. Whatever then length of time that you’ve been considering a divorce, here are some important steps to take before going forward:
  1. Make copies of federal and state income tax returns from the past five years.
  2. If you don’t have a credit card in your name, open one up in case of an emergency.
  3. Establish online access to your joint bank accounts and check the account regularly for any unusual activity, which could include excessive spending or withdrawals.
  4. If you have a safety deposit box, photograph and inventory the contents.
  5. Obtain a copy of your credit report to see if you have any liabilities you might be unaware of.
  6. Obtain a copy of your will and powers of attorney.
  7. Go for a consultation with a divorce attorney even if you are still unsure if you want a divorce. Knowledge is power.
  8. Consider seeing a therapist for your own sanity and an unbiased opinion.
  9. Remember that, “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy… a tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” – quote by Jennifer Weiner, Author.
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164848735-judges-gavel-and-legal-files-gettyimagesOur last blog post from Daisy Camp discussed ways you can avoid going to trial in a divorce. The last thing anyone wants is to go to trial, but sometimes going to trial is simply unavoidable. The good thing is, less than 5 percent of divorce cases go to trial, but what if you find yourself amongst that 5 percent? What can you expect in a divorce trial? Judges generally try to help you resolve your case before the trial date, but sometimes that is simply impossible. If, after months, and sometimes even years of negotiations, you and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse still have not reached an agreement, your last recourse is to have a trial. Divorce trials typically do not involve juries, but are held by a judge in the judge’s chamber. The judge reviews volumes of documents, hears evidence from each spouse, your respective divorce attorneys, possibly witnesses, and then come to a decision based on evidence. Trials can be as short as half a day or as long as several months (although that would probably be unusual for a divorce trial). The length of a trial depends on the number of witnesses, how long each examination takes, and what motions are made during the course of the trial. The emotional and financial costs rapidly add up. Divorces can be very expensive, but divorces that go to trial are even more costly, both financially as well as emotionally. According to the book “The Collaborative Way to Divorce” by Collaborative Attorneys, Stuart Wells & Ron Ousky, “When divorcing the “traditional way” settlement may only happen only after you or your spouse have been to court on one or more occasion, for temporary hearings, settlement conferences,  and so on. Sometimes these cases settle within days or hours before the trial is scheduled to begin – after you and your spouse have already incurred most of the financial and emotional cost of preparing for trial.” In these cases although the trial was avoided, the damage is already done.