Divorce Process Archives | Page 5 of 7 | Collaborative Law Institute

January 26, 2015

I sat in on a seminar recently with a room full of moms. Moms of babies, moms of toddlers, moms with children just starting elementary school. The topic was about learning to fall in love with your husband again, and the speaker was a woman in her 70’s. The dialog was mainly, “Do this to keep your husband happy, do that to keep your husband happy…” I think many were wondering why they got up early on a Tuesday morning to listen to old-fashion marriage advice. However, in between the eye rolls of many overtired moms, I caught the true message of the speech – don’t forget about your marriage, the kids are wonderful, but if you make them your whole world, they leave the nest, and the marriage is over. I had not really thought about empty nest syndrome in this sense. I had mainly thought about the kids going off to college and the parents are alone in a big empty house, they are a little lonely, maybe start a new hobby, and life goes on. Only life doesn’t go on, at least not in that sense. Divorce after decades, the graying divorce, divorce after 50, whatever you may call it, is becoming more and more common. Decades of putting the kids first, likely putting the career second, and well, the marriage must have fallen down on the priority list. When children are babies and toddlers they require about every last bit of energy you have; once they start school it’s homework, sports, and juggling schedules. Making it all too easy for the better part of 20+ years for your marriage to be entirely kid-centric. The graying divorce gives new meaning to staying together for the kids. The couple in many of these marriages might not have even seen it coming. Years of enjoying the children together – family vacations, neighborhood outings, cheering the kids on together from the sidelines, only to wake up one day and realize they no longer have anything in common, the kids were all they had in common. A half-century ago, only 2.8 percent of Americans older than 50 were divorced. In 2011, according to the Census Bureau’s American Community Survey, 15.4 percent were divorced and another 2.1 percent were separated. Was it that divorce was more taboo 50 years ago, or maybe because people are living longer these days? A healthy 60 year old might look at it in terms of having 20+ years left; 20+ years that they are choosing to be happy, and ditching the unhappy marriage. Baby boomers are setting record high divorce numbers. If you found yourself amongst this new era of divorce, the good news is you are in good company! There are support groups nationwide that are catering specifically to the increase in baby boomers and their graying divorces. Seek out divorcees going through a similar situation and create a support system. Most importantly, keep on living – enjoying yourself, pursue your interests, take on a new hobby, travel, and make the most of your new-found free time!

January 20, 2015

Collaborative law requires experienced professionals and clients willing to work together to find resolutions for their family law matters. It is a unique, non-adversarial process that provides an alternative to a traditional, litigation. It is a respectful process that depends upon four main tenants.

Full Disclosure. In a collaborative law both parties provide all information relevant to the case. There are no formal discovery processes – no time or money spent on depositions or document requests. Both parties provide everything needed – if someone needs more, they ask and agree to disclose it. Both parties must have all the information they need to generate options and make decisions.
Confidential Process. The information discussed an the options generated are confidential and shall not be disclosed until final resolutions are reached. Divorce is not a confidential process by default. Indeed, the court process is quite transparent. In collaborative, however, the information discussed and shared is not disclosed until the very end. This provides for a more thorough process overall.
Neutral Experts. All experts shall be neutral. They will be chosen by both parties together (often recommended by other professionals) and operate in an on-adversarial manner. Their expertise benefits both parties.
Professionals Limited in Representation. The collaborative professionals on a case can only work in one role – settlement. The professionals cannot represent you in any other matter and in any other capacity. Your collaborative attorney cannot represent you in a court process. A mental health professional (child specialist or coach) cannot provide therapy. And the financial neutrals cannot also solicit your financial planning business. Everyone has one purpose and one role – to help you find collaborative resolutions.

January 16, 2015

As a confirmed New Yorker subscriber, I enjoy the cartoons as much as the writing. Indeed, the cartoons alone would justify my subscription. Earlier this year, there was a drawing of a customer addressing a florist. “I want some flowers that say, ‘Here! Have some frickin’ flowers!'” For a lot of couples about to enter into a dissolution of their marriage, the holidays are a time of high anxiety. Often, both spouses know it’s coming–soon–but call a truce in order not to wreck the children’s Christmas. According to some of my former clients who have done that, the whole holiday season felt like, “Here! Have a frickin’ truce!” Tense, hollow, sarcastic. Anxiety-ridden, courtesy of the Unknown. A close friend who knows about my practice once asked me, “What’s the most important thing you can tell someone who comes in to see you about a divorce?” “Well, it will depend on what’s most important to that person at that moment, but, generally speaking, I’d want them to know it’s going to be all right,” I said. “Isn’t that a little misleading? I mean, you don’t know anything about who they’re married to, or who that person’s lawyer is, or anything.” “Well, I know this: when they talk to me, they’re living in a situation that’s become unbearable, a situation they know very well. And it’s bad enough that they’re talking to me about an Unknown–the divorce–that they’d rather deal with. I actually did once ask a client who was complaining about how long it was taking and how much it was costing whether he’d like to dismiss the action and stay married. He looked at me like I had two heads. ‘Not on the longest day you live,’ he said.” So the goal was not an issue. By the way, that was before I began doing Collaborative cases. But my point is that the divorce itself will end some day, and probably in less than a year. And after it’s over, that person will go on with their life. Most of the time, the people who come to me know that I do mostly Collaborative cases, where the couples have to agree on what happens before anything can happen, and where the goal is to agree on all the terms of the divorce. So they each have to give their spouse a reason to agree to what they’re seeking. More importantly, they have many opportunities over the weeks of that case to refine the conversation, discover what’s at the heart of their goals, and explore different ways of satisfying their spouse’s interests. The upshot is that by the time they do reach all their agreements, they have talked everything through–usually multiple times–and they have a set of agreements they can live with. And things going forward are going to be all right! They can take some reassurance in that because their discussions were all based on their actual situation, not what they wish their situation was. They’ve spoken with their lawyers and they understand what the courts can do and what they won’t do. In the Decree, under “real estate,” the court simply can’t award to the spouse who had an affair “the hottest corner of Hell.” For one thing, there’s no legal description. But if their husband or wife insists that this is the only appropriate residence for them, post-decree, I know that person will never succeed in a Collaborative case. I also know that person won’t “succeed” in court, either. And, finally, I know that person could care less if things turn out “all right,” because their highest priority is to give back the pain they feel to the person who, they believe, caused it. They almost certainly will get more help from a therapist than a lawyer. But for the potential client who is most interested in ending their marriage, attending to their affairs, and starting a new life, history teaches us, time and again, that, really, it will be all right. At least, that’s what my clients tell me.

December 9, 2014

I find that what my clients want most is to return to a happy, peaceful life. Divorce is a place of upheaval with many unknowns. Will my kids be okay? Where will I live? Will I be able to make ends meet? Will I ever be able to retire? These questions and more interfere with the normal rhythms of life. The fear and anxiety of not knowing the answers cause distraction at work and sleeplessness at night. How can peace of mind be restored? A good place to start is the practice of acceptance. By acceptance I mean merely acknowledging what is, without judgment or wanting it to be different … without resistance. Whenever you find yourself feeling a negative emotion such as anger or frustration, it is likely you are resisting an external circumstance … wishing that something or someone were different. While it is natural for human beings to resist the unpleasant, a lot of time and energy can be spent trying to control external circumstances beyond our control. Acceptance is merely acknowledging those circumstances and allowing what is in life to be as it is, without judging it as good or bad, or wanting it to be different. Practicing acceptance can help you let go of the pain, stress, anger and anxiety that inevitably accompany divorce. Here are a few reminders:

Acceptance does not mean giving up. Empowered action comes from a place of clarity and serenity.
You can’t change other people, but you can change your response to them. While what your former spouse or partner thinks or feels is beyond your control, your mindful response to a situation can have a powerful effect.
Resistance can get in the way of solutions. The inner stillness that comes with acceptance enhances your openness to previously unseen possibilities.

Genuine and lasting happiness and peace come from within. You alone are in control of how you will experience life moving forward from this very moment. It is your choice not to suffer. Finally, here is a quote that has helped me through many of life’s challenging moments: “Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible–controlling that which we cannot–and instead, focus on what is possible–which usually means taking care of ourselves. And we do this in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.” -Melody Beattie

December 1, 2014

The secret to a constructive and respectful divorce is to start at the end and work backward. Ask yourself, “What do I want my life, my spouse’s life, and my children’s lives to look like when the divorce is all over? What is my vision for the future?”

In fact, the first task of clients who choose a collaborative divorce process is to answer these questions and to share their answers with each other. Here are some of their answers: Couple A

Children/Family We want our children and ourselves to feel that we are a family that loves and cares for each other.
Relational We want us to look back on this difficult time and be proud of how we handled ourselves and each other. We want both of us to be happy in the future.
Financial We want our final agreement to ensure equitable life styles and standards of living. We want our final agreement to provide financial security for both of us in retirement and in the event of the death of either of us. We want our final agreement to respect the financial decisions/intent of our respective families to leave us money.
Process We want a divorce process that supports a positive future. We want a divorce process in which we both feel heard and safe to discuss difficult issues. We want to be comfortable with our final agreement and to have a mechanism for implementing it. We want our divorce process to be cost effective and efficient. We want to minimize the emotional and financial stress of our divorce.

Couple B

Children For our son to have a solid, cohesive parenting team who loves him. For our son to be shielded from the negative aspects of the divorce.
Financial For both households to have financial stability and security. For us to be debt-free by using an intentionally controlled plan of action.
Relational/Emotional That we create a trusting relationship with each other and the potential for friendship. That we reduce the emotional and financial stress we feel as a result of our divorce.
Process That the collaborative process be as cost-effective as possible while obtaining the added value that our neutral professionals bring to the process.

Couple C

For our children not to feel divided.
For our children to feel comfortable with both of us.
For us to convey a sense of harmony to our children.
To have financial security for both of us.
To get along with each other after the divorce; to have mutual respect for each other; and to have a pleasant relationship.

By starting at the end, couples are reminded how much they still have in common despite the ending of their marriage. By starting at the end and working backward, the couple and their team of collaborative professionals can focus all their attention on crafting a settlement that accomplishes the couple’s vision. By starting at the end, the collaborative divorce process promotes healing and a peaceful transition through this important life event. If you or someone you know might benefit from using a collaborative process for their divorce, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and www.mndivorce.com to find out more about Collaborative Divorce.

November 10, 2014

Once you have created a budget and projected your expenses into the next 12 months, there are additional steps you can take on a daily and monthly basis to improve your cash flow. Remember your goal is positive cash flow that allows you to save money for short and long term goals such as remodeling your kitchen, taking an exotic vacation, helping your child with college and saving for retirement. Add these ideas to your list of budgeting for a new life: Pay yourself first. Too many people make the mistake of saving if they have money left over at the end of the month. By setting up a pre-determined amount of savings that is automatically transferred from your checking account each month, the money will be out of sight and you will enjoy the results of savings growth. If you receive your payroll electronically, your employer may agree to deposit a pre-determined portion of your payroll right into your savings account, too. Give yourself a cash allowance. Oddly enough, if you have a set amount of cash to spend on lunches or small purchases for each week, it’s harder to spend it. Try it! Use shopping lists. Avoid spending money on things you don’t need by planning your shopping trip with a list. Shopping will be faster and you’ll spend less if you stick to the list. Make sure that the items on your list are also part of your budget! Distinguish between wants and needs. Paying down debt and saving money are needs. Buying cool leather boots or a new tool set might be wants. To be sure, wait a day or two before buying them and see if it’s keeping you awake at night. If it isn’t, it’s a want you can do without — at least for now. Pay down high-interest credit cards. Finance charges on credit cards can quickly devour any savings you’ve managed to achieve elsewhere in your budget. Pay more than the monthly minimum or negotiate a debt payment plan to pay down high-interest cards. And, once you pay them off, follow these tips so that you charge only what you can pay off each month. You’ll have more money to save or spend on wants as well as needs! With these tips and others (like enlisting the help of a Certified Financial Planner® professional), you will keep track of your budget, be accountable and anticipate a financially secure future! You could even model a thing or two to your kids and friends!

November 5, 2014

The world is full of divorce experts willing to give you “free” advice about how to handle your divorce. Divorce is so common today that everyone from your hair stylist to your parents are likely to have advice about how you should handle your divorce. There are several reasons why this amateur advice is almost always detrimental. Here are just a few:

Lacking Context. The opinions that most people have about how to divorce is significantly biased by a small slice of information that is out of context. A divorce usually involves numerous issues. It is very difficult to know how one issue should be handled without having a thorough understanding of all of the other issues. Skilled divorce attorneys can help put these issues in context in ways that will help you get a better settlement.
Emotional enmeshment. Many of your friends or families members may have an emotional reaction to your divorce that will alter their advice. Often that emotional reaction triggers a desire to protect you by urging you to take a more aggressive stance. This generally leads to stirring up acrimony that will actually make it more difficult for you to achieve your highest goals.

The Solution: Be wary of free advice. Make a distinction between the people in your life who can advise you and the people in your life who can provide you with personal or emotional support. All people going through divorce can use emotional and personal support to help them through a difficult time. Reach out to your friends and family to provide you with that emotional support and ask them to refrain from providing legal advice. At the same time, you should thoroughly research attorneys and even interview several people to find a good fit, and then select an attorney that you truly trust. Once you find a qualified professional that you trust to give legal advice, rely on the advice you are purchasing, rather than the free advice from friends and family members. To find attorneys to interview and to explain your options, go to www.collaborativepractice.org and www.divorcechoice.com.

October 27, 2014

In Part I we learned that advocacy in the “rights-based” Court Model is hard on the people involved because by focusing on the 3^rd-party decision maker, e.g., the judge, the parties care little about each other’s view. As a result, their relationship can become more adversarial. In Part II we learned that by removing the decision maker in the “interest-based” Collaborative Model the parties become the decision makers who resolve mutual problems based on their defined future needs, interests, and goals. But is the removal of the 3^rd party decision maker enough to create a process that is truly “soft” on the people? Most people who have gone through a divorce agree that divorce is much more than a legal event. More importantly divorce is about changing relationships, improving communication, establishing co-parenting, engaging in problem-solving, and securing a stable financial future. But many divorce processes do not adequately address these more important concerns, thus limiting divorce to simply a legal commodity. To gain the added value of improving your relationship with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, of becoming successful co-parents, of mutually planning for the future, and of customizing your financial arrangement to meet the needs of all family members within the resources available, requires the assistance and expertise of NEUTRAL professionals. These neutral professionals include a Neutral Financial Professional, a Neutral Coach, and a Neutral Child Specialist. This team approach is the “secret sauce” used in the Collaborative Model that can transform the experience of this life event into something constructive, affirming, and even peaceful. Obviously, this is of great benefit to children.

Diagram - The Power of Neutrality 082814

In addition to the support and expertise provided, the neutrality of the neutral professionals balances attorney advocacy. This permits the attorney to stay in the problem-solving and interest-based advocacy role for his or her client, while the neutral professionals hold the ground for resolution on behalf of the whole family. This interdisciplinary, holistic approach to advocacy and expertise is what distinguishes the Collaborative Model from any other model out there. Collaborative professionals like to say this model contributes to world peace one family at a time. If this approach makes sense to you, tell your friends, family, and colleagues about the Collaborative Model and contribute to world peace.

October 9, 2014

If you have created an estimated monthly budget for your new household after a divorce, know that it will likely change down the road. You may discover after a few months that your spending estimates were unrealistic in some areas while other areas of spending were surprising or unexpected. Here are some tips for projecting your expenses realistically into the future. Plan for car purchases. Even if you don’t have a car payment now, you’ll need to replace your car at some point. Consider including a figure in your projected expenses for “car savings.” If you usually keep a car for eight to 10 years and think you’ll spend about $25,000 on a new vehicle, save $260 a month to buy a newer car for cash when the time comes. This means no new car payment, but you’ll have a new vehicle! If you purchase cars more often, factor in the sale or trade-in of your existing car when determining how much to save. Keep up with car maintenance. The older the car you have, the more money you should set aside for unexpected repairs as well as maintenance. Maintenance could include oil changes, replacing tires, fixing brakes, tune-ups and other recommended inspections. Regular maintenance will help your car last longer too. Escrow for home repairs. A good rule of thumb for home maintenance costs is to escrow 1 to 2 percent of the value of your home each year. A home valued at $300,000, for example, could have annual maintenance costs of $3,000 to $6,000. Costs will be on the higher end for older homes or maintenance you will hire out. Maintenance could include:

Replacing the roof, siding or windows
Caring for lawn and garden, landscaping, drainage
Fixing and replacing appliances
Repairs to plumbing or electrical
Cleaning and replacing carpets
Painting
Pool maintenance
Small maintenance for light bulbs, furnace filters, etc.

You might not need the full annual budget for maintenance every year, but you may need more than the budget in other years. Start a holiday savings account. December gift giving, let alone birthday and anniversary gifting, are often missed when budgeting. Consider the gifts you give, the decorating costs and entertaining you host as part of a holiday savings account. This is one area that, once budgeted, people often decide to scale down in future years. However, if it’s a priority for you, you’ll have cash to enjoy it instead of worries about the bills later! Vacations should be planned with cash. If you routinely take one family vacation a year or take trips to visit friends and family, add these expenses to your monthly budget and put away cash to cover costs that include airfare, car rentals, lodging, meals, touring and shopping. Don’t forget to budget for “big box” spending. People often create a projected budget for groceries or school shopping expenses, but an easier way to budget is to create a “big box” category to cover shopping at stores like Wal-Mart, Target, Costco or other department/membership stores. If you find yourself shopping at these stores at least twice a month, budget for the trips and bring cash. These are just a few of the ways you can project your future expenses and plan ahead. Other categories to consider include: health care, debt payments, charitable giving, and entertainment. Adjust your amounts as you start to see a pattern month to month, and you’ll have a clearer picture of your cash flow forecast!

August 21, 2014

The Collaborative divorce process is one of many ways to divorce. It’s not for everyone. So how do you know whether it is right for you and your spouse or partner? Here are a few questions to help you decide:

Do you want your children to be in the center rather than in the middle?
Do you want your lawyer to be a wise counselor rather than a hired gun?
Are you willing to be in the same room with your spouse or partner?
Are you able to speak for yourself and articulate your own goals and interests?
Are you open to solutions that respect both your and your spouse’s interests?
Do you want to focus on future solutions rather than past disagreements?
Do you want a comfortable co-parenting relationship with your former spouse?
Are you willing to experience and live with some discomfort at times during your divorce?
Do you want solutions that take into consideration the uniqueness of your family?
Do you want to model healthy dispute resolution for your children, friends and family?
Do you want to be able to look back on your divorce and feel good about both the outcome and how you handled yourself during the process?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, another, more traditional divorce process may be a better choice for you. Collaborative divorce is best-suited for couples who understand the value of divorcing well. How you divorce greatly impacts your children’s well-being and your own ability to move forward in life without resentment. If you answered “yes” to these questions, the Collaborative divorce process may be a good choice for you. To find out more, go to www.collaborativelaw.org and contact a Collaborative professional.