Audra Holbeck, Author at Collaborative Law Institute

September 30, 2016

My family is going through Olympic withdrawal. Well, O.K., not really. But we watched the events we were interested in and rooted for Team U.S.A. Of course, Michael Phelps stole the show, and Ryan Lochte stole the…well, let’s not go there. At any rate, it was interesting. What continues to stick with me, though, is the catchy phrase in one of the commercials (I don’t remember which commercial) but it’s from Maya Angelou’s “Human Family” poem. As in the commercial, the poem ends with, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” This phrase is repeated twice in both the poem and the commercial. The rhythm is undeniable, and the words unforgettable. The truth is…we are. This made me think back to one of my sociology classes in college, and those human traits that are universal, regardless of the country, village, or tribe in which a person lives: a smile represents happiness; crying signals sadness; and we all need food, water, sunlight, and air to survive. As the poem goes, “In minor ways we differ; in major, we’re the same.” Certainly, in our families we are, to some extent, the same. So, when the “leaders” of a family decide to part ways, their differences should be relatively minor, right? Sadly, depending on the divorce process the couple uses, those minor differences could blow up and out of control. It doesn’t have to be that way. In the Collaborative divorce process, the goal is to find common ground and focus on the items the divorcing couple agrees on (the “alike” part). “Keep the children out of the middle.” Check. “Let the children attend the same school.” Check. “Make sure everyone’s needs are met.” Check. We focus on similarities, needs, and “alikeness”, and therefore interests, rather than differences and positions. We aren’t that different. At least we aren’t that different in major ways. Unique, we are. So, let’s not invent imaginary differences, which can create major conflict. That takes so much negative energy. Using a process that focuses on the positive, the “alikeness” of the two people ending the marriage is certainly more, well, human.

September 12, 2016

Vortex: 1) a whirling mass of water or air that sucks everything near it towards its center; or 2) a place or situation regarded as drawing into its center all that it surrounds, and hence, being inescapable or destructible Sound familiar? In Minnesota, it’s tornado season, so many of us in the Midwest think of a tornado when we think of a vortex. Regardless of where you live, if you are going through a divorce, this definition might sound like something you experience rather than something you see, and so, the term Divortex seems appropriate. Unfortunately, too many people have the vortex experience when they divorce. It is all too true: the whirling mass of chaos, negativity, and craziness suck everything into its center. The tornado analogy continues with “destroying everything in its path…leaving nothing but…rubble.” Not a pretty picture. You don’t have to be part of this, however. Divorce is devastating. No one plans to get divorced. Marriages end for various reasons. There is undoubtedly anger and sadness. The clouds roll in, the thunder begins, and it rains. For a long time. But, the divorce process shouldn’t make your relationship worse. Unfortunately, the legal process often turns the rainstorm into not only a flash flood, but a tornado. The legal process contributes to the mess, and thus, the divortex forms, sucking everything into its center: your time, money, emotions, plans, life, EVERYTHING. You have absolutely no control over what it does or where it goes. You are helpless and at its mercy. All you can do is go to the lowest level (which happens inadvertently in litigation) in your home. Stay away from windows. And if you are a person of faith…pray. If you aren’t a person of faith, well, it’s never too late to start. With all due respect to the judges who hear and decide family cases, especially the difficult ones, court IS a whirlwind. You just never know what will happen. Fortunately, you can choose a process where, believe it or not, there is at least a faint glimmer of a rainbow at the end. (Probably not a pot of gold, but a rainbow, nonetheless.) Selecting Collaboration is the first step. You and your spouse decide what the outcome will look like (not a judge). You and your spouse have a voice and participate in the meetings and the decision making. Using a team of trained professionals, you will create your own rainbow. If you want all the colors of the spectrum, perfect! If, however, you’d rather have the cooler colors of green, blue, and indigo, you got it! No one is judging. Really. Sound too good to be true? Nope. (And no worries, I’m not going to bring unicorns into this story.) Next time, I will discuss HOW Collaboration can help you avoid the Divortex. Stay tuned.

August 31, 2016

My kids are spirited. Not possessed, although somedays it seems like they are. I thought the term “spirited child” referred to a child with ADD or ADHD. Not true. It’s not a diagnosis – it’s simply temperament. Thank goodness for Minnesota’s own Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and her book, “Raising Your Spirited Child.” As soon as I finished it, I started reading it again. Spirited kids are just “more,” and my two kiddos are high energy, intense, persistent, and slow to adapt. This slow-to-adapt trait makes transitions a CONSTANT battle. It’s hard enough getting my two out the door to school every day. Then I think about kids whose parents are going through a divorce. Not only are kids of divorce doing the everyday school, activities, home, etc., but they have two homes to toggle between. I’m sure it’s hard for any kid to go back and forth between two homes. Most adapt, though. But if you have a child who doesn’t like transitions, and mix in some frustration and sadness of the divorce, you have the ingredients for a frustrating, heart-breaking battle between parent and child. What to do? Regardless of whether they are spirited, but especially if they are, listen to your children. Understand what your children are going through. It’s never too late to get a child specialist involved in the process, even post-decree. Talk with your children them, instead of at them. They didn’t ask to be in this position and they have NO control over the divorce. Help them feel like they have some control over their world. Don’t just assume they are doing well because they are getting straight A’s, or they’ll be OK when the divorce is final. Maybe they will be OK. After all, kids are resilient. But they’re your kids. And I think it’s our duty as parents to do as much for our kids emotionally as we can. They deserve it.

August 17, 2016

My husband and I were taking our kids to swimming lessons when we saw a man and woman standing outside the facility arguing. The anger and negative energy were palpable. While still in the parking lot, we met up with another family we know, and we exchanged uncomfortable glances as the conversation between this couple became more heated. “Awkward,” my friend whispered. As we approached, I could hear what they were arguing about, and the expletives were flying (this is a family place, mind you, and my kids were five and two at the time – yikes!) The woman was saying, “I don’t give a $*&^ what you think. You can’t have that #$&* sleep over when it’s your weekend with our son. You are such an ^*&+@! We aren’t even divorced yet.” My five year old glanced up at me with an odd look on his face. Oh boy. I wondered if they had attorneys and what process they were using. Even though I see this sort of conflict on a regular basis, it was very uncomfortable to witness. I’m not sure if my discomfort was because I couldn’t do anything about their conflict (I was there as a mom, not a lawyer) or because my children were in earshot. For a fleeting moment I did, however, consider going up to them. I felt compelled to inform them there is a better way to deal with this “stuff” and that a child specialist and divorce coach could get them to a better place regarding “adult sleepovers.” That was the lawyer in me. Since we were running a bit behind, however, the mom in me picked up my two-year-old and hurried my son through the door. Either way, I felt bad for this couple, and even worse for their child. I wondered how old their son was and if they had made a scene near the pool when they decided to “take it outside.” I will never know how their divorce turned out. I can only hope that things cooled down at some point so they could focus on co-parenting their child. It’s understandable that emotions are highly charged during a divorce, which is the reason a divorce coach and child specialist are incredibly helpful during the process, as well as a therapist or counselor. Stop. Breathe. Think. And talk to a mental health professional.

August 4, 2016

Making online connections is easier than ever with modern social media apps. It is not necessary to know someone at all, let alone to know them well, in order to see their profiles and get an idea of who they are and what kind of life they lead. In times before this technology, community life and networking were very different. Getting to know someone happened face to face, and gossip was spread by word of mouth. With everyone having technology in their pockets these days, deciding who is relevant to your life seems like an easy task. The everyday interactions we have with people while out and about are often with perfect strangers, and not many of us put much effort into these encounters. Treating any person you meet with respect and dignity is a basic human courtesy, but in the midst of our busy schedules, we often forget this. In All I really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarden, author Robert Fulghum sums up relationships in communities like this:

“Without realizing it, we fill important places in each other’s lives. It’s that way with the guy at the corner grocery, the mechanic at the local garage, the family doctor, teachers, neighbors, coworkers. Good people who are always “there,” who can be relied upon in small, important ways…. And, of course, we fill that role ourselves. There are those who depend on us, watch us, learn from us, take from us. And we never know.”

If you assume your neighbor is not relevant to you, you may never realize who they actually are. Paying attention to the real people that live down the street is just as important – more important – as curating an impressive list of LinkedIn connections or Facebook friends. Consider making a connection with the person behind the online profile.

July 14, 2016

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My two year old daughter received Legos for Christmas. They were the bigger bricks, which are perfect for her chubby, dimpled hands, and pink and purple “princess” Legos that could be made into, what else? Castles! She really wasn’t interested in the figurines that were included, but she WAS interested in creating a “super tall building.” I loved watching her build various creations. I’m pretty sure Lego didn’t make “girl” kits when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s. My little brother had Legos, and I just shrugged them off as toys for boys. I was into…dare I say…Barbie. And all things that sparkle. I would, most certainly, have played with pink and purple Legos, though. After all, I liked putting things together. When my “boombox” stopped working, I took it apart and put it back together (and yes, I even fixed it!). Would I have become an engineer instead of a lawyer if Lego had made purple bricks? Nope. But if Lego had created a kit of pastel bricks, Legos might have outsold Superstar Barbie! Did girls miss out on something by not playing with Legos? Maybe not. But what IS it about princesses? Dressed in her sparkly tutu, my daughter plays just as much, if not more, with trucks and transformers as she does her dolls. Is it because she has an older brother? Does she find transformers more interesting than her dolls? My five year old son is all boy (rough and tumble, loves trucks and ninja turtles, slides into “home plate” – which is the northwest corner of the family room – so much he wears holes in his jeans) so I was pleasantly surprised when he picked up his sister’s doll and stroller and zoomed around the house. “Great,” I thought, “maybe he’ll play dolls with his little sister.” Uh…no. He took the doll and stroller to annoy his younger sibling. Nevertheless, watching my daughter with those pink and purple Legos certainly made me think about how items are “sold” or “packaged.” Do we really buy “things” or are we buying an “experience?” It depends. I think in many cases, we are paying for an experience, even when we buy products. (For instance, why do I need to have an aromatherapy experience grocery shopping? I’m there to buy groceries to feed my family. If I want such an “experience” I’ll go to a spa.) Nonetheless, the way products and experiences are packaged can make all the difference in the way we feel. But with legal services, you are buying a product (the divorce agreement/documents) as well as the experience. When you are interviewing attorneys, be aware of what they are selling you and how they are selling it. Does the attorney you are meeting with base his or her expertise on all the cases “won.” Chances are, that attorney is talking more about him or herself and isn’t doing much listening to you. This is a divorce, people. A change in significant relationships within a family. Nobody wins in a divorce, so please don’t fall for that “package.” This process is all about getting to a new normal, and if you have young children, parenting them well. So, the attorneys and team you are interviewing should be all about helping you get to that new normal. That, in my opinion, is how divorce should be “packaged.”

July 12, 2016

After dinner one evening, my two-year-old was playing with her brother’s indominus rex (she likes dinosaurs). She climbed up to her bathroom sink, grabbed her toothbrush, climbed down, plopped herself down on the floor, and…much to my dismay…brushed the dino’s teeth. Of course, she was NOT happy when I interrupted her for a diaper change. “No. Not today,” she said, shaking her head at me. I told her we absolutely needed to change her diaper…now. “No! Not NOW,” she said and glared at me. As I tried to wrestle indominus out of her hands, she wriggled back and forth and, yes, threw a tantrum (she’s INCREDIBLY strong!). In typical mother-knows-best voice (and using her first, middle, and last names) I said, “We need to change your diaper NOW, so your bottom doesn’t get sore!” “NOOOOOOO!!!” she shrieked, “I WANT TO BWUSH DA DINOSAUR’S TEEF! RIGHT NOWWWWWW!” Her face was red and scrunched up. Oh boy. I paused, took a deep breath, and I said as calmly yet cheerfully as I could, “I can see that you really, REALLY want to brush the dinosaur’s teeth.” Pause. “You REALLLLLLY want to brush that dino’s teeth.” Another pause. She stopped wriggling, her face softened, and she looked at me. In a quieter voice I said, “I know you want to brush his teeth. So let’s change your diaper so you can keep brushing the dino’s teeth.” Pause. “O.K., Mama,” she said, as she got up and reached for my hand. We walked into her room to change her diaper. Although she is just a tot, my daughter, like everyone, wants to feel heard. She and I had competing interests: she needed her diaper changed (my task/interest), and she wanted to play (her task/interest). The diaper change needed to come first. And it did, once she felt like I heard and understood her. People going through a divorce need to be heard, too. It’s easy to get into power struggles and the he said, she said “stuff.” Go ahead and say it. And then be ready to listen to your spouse say it. Really try to hear what your spouse is saying. Then, understand. You don’t have to agree, but to resolve the issues in your divorce, you both need to hear and understand each other.

“Seek first to understand, and then be understood.” – Stephen Covey

June 1, 2016

Divorcing couples often think that they will be “done” when the court documents are signed and the divorce is finalized, and that there will be only smooth sailing ahead. But, after the documents are finalized, there is the new normal to navigate, particularly regarding parenting. Co-parenting while no longer cohabiting is a huge adjustment for families in the wake of a divorce. Although co-parents are no longer married or living under the same roof, they are still in the same boat when it comes to raising their children, and so communication and cooperation is more important than ever. After a divorce, co-parents’ attitude towards each other must be “All hands on deck!” instead of “Abandon ship!” or “Hey, you! Walk the plank!” Co-parents who continue to diligently communicate and cooperate in raising their children are much better captains over the course the children’s lives will take. Of course, regardless of the situation, children sometimes try to play parents against each other in hopes of getting what they want. This attempt at mutiny often begins something like this: “Mom/Dad said I could…”, and with no confirmation of the other parent’s consent, Mom/Dad agrees to let the child do x,y, or z. Important information can be distorted or omitted altogether when children are placed in the middle of what should be an adult conversation about what is appropriate for children. This scenario can be avoided through active communication and cooperation between co-parents. Co-parents that work together to divide and conquer life’s challenges after divorce keep their family afloat in the inevitable waves that come with life.

May 5, 2016

“Mom, why won’t this piece fit here like it should?” My son is trying to build a Lego kit, and has made a mistake in the previous steps while trying to follow the directions. He keeps fitting the pieces together, but isn’t getting any closer to making the design on the cover of the box. I tell him he needs to go back a few steps and figure out where the pieces aren’t put together correctly. He does, and soon he is on his way. As a collaborative divorce lawyer, working with my clients towards their ideal divorce is similar to building a Lego creation. It is not a collector’s edition kit that is pre-designed. The clients actively design this project themselves. At the beginning of the process, we sit down and identify what an ideal divorce would look like for their family. This becomes our own design on the box that we aspire to build. To build it, the client brings the crucial information regarding their life, financially and otherwise, that we have to work with. These are the Lego pieces that we must fit together to replicate the design on the box. As a lawyer, I come to the table with knowledge of the instructions, which in this case are the statutes. The statues give us acceptable methods for fitting the Lego pieces together. Working as a team, the client and I look at the pieces we have to work with and build a divorce agreement that both fits their desired outcome and the statutes’ requirements. Sometimes we run into the same dilemma as my son – what we are making isn’t quite turning out like we wanted. Through years of practice, I know the solution is this: go back a few steps, look again at the building blocks, review the directions, and rearrange the pieces. Before you know it, we have built what we wanted to build.

April 28, 2016

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Do you do jigsaw puzzles? They can be great exercise for your brain, but they do require patience. The image on the box looks great, and then there’s the daunting moment you must face after dumping the pieces out in a messy pile. Those who approach puzzles with strategy most definitely have an advantage, and sites like Puzzlewarehouse.com offer tips for people attempting puzzles for the first time. Divorces can be like undone puzzles in many ways, and so these tips overlap with what we do as collaborative divorce attorneys. Here are six tips in particular from puzzlewarehouse.com that relate well to the collaborative divorce process:

“Flip all pieces upwards.”

“Having all your pieces facing the same way can be tedious, but it makes it so you’re working with the whole puzzle the whole time, and it’ll make the next steps quicker.”

This first step is true for both puzzles and couples looking for a divorce. Couples who begin the divorce process must deliver their “pieces” (of information) to the professionals involved in their case. Details that need the attention of everyone involved must be “flipped upwards” (brought to light) so they can be placed well in the bigger picture.

“Find all the edge pieces.”

“Constructing your border gives you a defined space that you’ll work inside as you build.”

There are clear boundaries for each collaborative case that are determined in the first meeting between the clients and their chosen professionals. A few things that are considered are the interests and goals of each client, as well as a participation agreement and general expectations of conduct. Having clear parameters makes collaboration possible and desired outcomes attainable.

“Sort by color.”

“From here you can build recognized sections of the puzzle.”

It is the job of collaborative attorneys to help their clients sort out and understand various options for building their divorce agreement. Attorneys can do this more easily when the clients have gathered their personal information (assets, lifestyle, etc.) so no piece is missing. A complete set of “pieces” makes sorting by type easy, so that the different sections of the agreement can be put together quickly and completely, including every aspect from child support to personal property to businesses and real estate. The big picture agreement that results will be one that suits the needs of both parties.

“Special pieces.”

“Some pieces will be part of really distinguishing parts of the puzzle because it has text on it, or a color that’s only in one spot. Keep those separate and build on them as you can… it will be easy to spot where it goes as you start assembling the puzzle.”

Every couple has a unique case because of the specific goals and circumstances in their lives that they bring with them to the case. Certain issues (“distinguishing parts”) will have priority over others so that the bigger picture of the divorce agreement can be finalized. Family businesses, special needs children, and out-of-state job offers are all examples of special pieces in a divorce that require special attention from the start.

“Work on small sections at a time.”

“Instead of trying to work on the entire puzzle at once, it can be really helpful to work on small portions so that you’re accomplishing sections. This will help keep you motivated and you’ll have a visual record of your progress.”

Helping clients break down the divorce process into pieces that are manageable is an important part of the process for collaborative attorneys. Maintaining a broader perspective that keeps the bigger picture in sight without getting “lost in the weeds” (or, pile of puzzle pieces), is important. Keeping checklists and journals are both recommended methods that can work well for clients trying to maintain this perspective.

“Don’t give up.”

“When you’re tired… take a break… sometimes too much time at one problem can take away from [the puzzle process]. A fresh look at it later may help you see things you missed, too!”

Stress is often a part of any divorce process, and a collaborative team of professionals will try to pace the tasks so the clients can remain comfortable yet productive. Communication is always encouraged so that all needs will be heard. Avoiding the burnout that often happens in litigated divorce is easier when the case is approached with appropriate pacing and communication. With the collaborative divorce process, setting a schedule at their own pace is something within the client’s control. * * * People with skills in putting jigsaw puzzles together gained those skills by putting many puzzles together. Collaborative divorce attorneys have years of experience in putting together divorce agreements in and have developed their skills through practice and love to efficiently lead their clients towards the best agreement for everyone.