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As a little kid growing up in my small town, I remember being a bit confused by the saying, “good fences make good neighbors.”  Almost nobody bothered with fences in my neighborhood except to keep the critters out of their gardens, and everyone seemed neighborly enough.   I came to learn that throughout history, disputes over property lines were not uncommon, and could quickly turn contentious and ugly.  Surveyors were important to help resolve these kinds of conflicts.   A correctly placed fence could help keep the peace.

How does this apply to co-parenting after a divorce or separation?

Though it has been a long time since children were considered property in family law, they still belong to their family and are dependent on the stewardship of parents to nurture and care for them.   As a result of the divorce or separation, how the family works needs to change.  At a time of difficult, conflicting emotions, this can bring disagreements over parenting to the forefront. While under the same roof, parents most likely did not create written clarification of their roles and functions.   Now that circumstances have changed, they will benefit from the creation of a Parenting Plan containing mutual agreements for the future.

A Parenting Plan resolves two important boundary issues that bridge legal and family concerns:  a) Who will make major decisions in the best interests of the children while they are minors and/or legal dependents; and b) What will be an equitable and developmentally appropriate schedule for parenting time, one that may evolve over time as children grow.

Further clarifying details in the Parenting Plan can build proverbial “good fences,” and define specifics for decisions such as parenting time exchanges, holiday arrangements,  how and when parents will engage in co-parenting communication and under what circumstances children can meet their parents’ new significant others.   A child-centered Parenting Plan will also address co-parenting routines and rituals like bedtimes, limiting screentime, sharing responsibility for driving kids to their activities, deciding how children’s birthdays will be celebrated, discussing age-appropriate discipline and more.  A Parenting Plan can and should be tailored to the unique needs of the family.

Underpinning the written plan are the choices parents make about their attitudes, communication tone and behavior toward each other.  Because a divorce or separation can be a relational echo chamber for painful emotions, raw edges and betrayal, trust is often frayed. More than ever, parents need emotional and behavioral “good fences” that will demonstrate good faith and keep their children at the center and out of the middle of conflict.  Here are a few time-tested ideas for shifting from a marriage or intimate partnership into the more businesslike lifelong relationship of effective, respectful and peaceful co-parenting:

  1. Be consistent and reliable. Show up on time, honor and follow through with co-parenting commitments and agreements, and communicate in advance if you need to change the schedule for any reason.
  2. Be courteous and polite. Resist the urge to argue with your co-parent, especially in the hearing range of your children.  Do your part to maintain a calm and emotionally safe space for your kids during parenting time exchanges, and when both parents are attending a child’s event.
  3. Maintain dignity. Remember that verbal disrespect, eye rolling, shaming, name calling and other spiteful behaviors will always erode trust and will likely activate your co-parent’s amygdala (generating a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response).  Understandably, frustration can be hard to avoid, but an activated amygdala is not a good problem solver.  Take a break to clear your head if you feel the impulse to vent in anger, whether in person, by text or online with your co-parent.  If you get triggered by something your co-parent says or does in your presence, you can state your boundary (“I can’t be in this conversation right now”) and end the interaction.
  4. Respect our co-parent’s individuality. Recognize that your co-parent will have their own style and preferences for creating a home base with your children.  Unless a child’s safety is compromised, let go of the urge to try to control the situation at your co-parent’s home.
  5. Recognize that assertiveness is not the same as conflict . When in doubt about a co-parenting issue, ask clarifying questions and use I Statements rather than make assumptions.  Assumptions can easily lead to accusations of fault and blame, and result in the downward spiral that occurs when both parents are triggered.
  6. Be open to resources. Consider divorce coaching, mediation or therapy to help resolve co-parenting disagreements that seem intractable and hard to manage without help.  Don’t wait until the situation has festered and become entrenched into resentment.  Co-parenting is hard work, and you deserve support.

About the Author

Deb Clemmensen, M.Eq., L.P. has been offering mental health services to children, adults and families for over 40 years. As a neutral child and family specialist in family law, her core principle is keeping children at the center and out of the middle.

Deborah Clemmensen
Licensed Psychologist and Neutral Child and Family Specialist
Email: deborah.clemmensen@gmail.com
Ph: 612-325-9492
www.deborahclemmensen.com

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Child Inclusive Mediation is a process that allows children to have a voice in the divorce process.  In Child Inclusive Mediation, divorcing parents and their attorneys bring in two professionals, one an experienced mediator, and the other a trained mental health professional that has experience working with children.  That mental health professional will meet with the child or children of the divorcing parents, separately and one-on-one with the child, and outside of the mediation process.  That mental health professional then attends the mediation, along with the mediator, divorcing parents, and parents’ attorneys.  At the mediation, the mental health professional shares what he or she learned from speaking with the children about how they are navigating the divorce, the good things they experience at each parent’s house, the concerns they have at each parent’s house, and their hopes and desires for what the best schedule looks like to them.  The parties and the mediator, along with their attorneys, then mediate to seek a resolution that is in their child’s or children’s best interests, based on the information shared from the mental health professional.

While children do not make decisions about a parenting plan, rather parents do, a child’s voice can have strong weight as to what schedule will be implemented by parents.  Often parents are not aware of their own child’s wishes or desires, either because the parent hasn’t heard the child express them, or because the child is afraid to express them out of fear of hurting a parent.  The Child Inclusive Mediation can be a safe place for the child to share his or her feelings, without having to confront a parent or tell a parent directly.

Often parents ask, “well when can my child have a voice?” or “how old does my child have to be before he or she gets a say in parenting time?”.  Minnesota Statutes do not provide a bright line strict age for when children get a say in parenting time, but there is a general consensus that once a child reaches teenage years (13), that child is generally of sufficient age to express a preference.  Expression of a preference does not equate to that is what will be implemented by parents or the Court, but it can be a strong guiding hand.  And certainly the older a child gets, and the closer they are to emancipation (16/17), the stronger that voice will be heard.

In the Collaborative Law practice, the parents make a commitment to stay out of Court.  By engaging in Child Inclusive Mediation in the Collaborative Law practice, the parents are making a commitment to stay out of court and to allow their teenage child or children to have a voice in how their daily life looks, given their age.  Child Inclusive Mediation provides a safe place for children’s voices to be heard, without parents questioning or confronting their child or children.  Parents can then use that information to come up with a parenting time schedule and parenting plan that can put their child or children on the best path to success as a young adult, through emancipation, and beyond into adulthood.

Reach out to a Collaborative Law attorney for a consultation to begin your journey in the Collaborative Law practice and inquire about child inclusive mediation.

About the Author

Laura Schultz was admitted to practice law in the State of Minnesota in 2006 and has been practicing family law for 20 years.  After clerking for a Judge in the Hennepin County District Court for three years from 2006 to 2009, she joined Tuttle Bergeson, P.A. in 2009 as an associate attorney practicing in the areas of family law and estate planning.  After working as an associate at the firm for five years, Laura went into solo practice in 2014, forming the Laura L. Schultz Law Office.

Laura is a member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, Minnesota State Bar Association, and the ARAG network of attorneys. Laura is also a member of Bloomington Rotary, Edina Federated Women’s Club, and the Edina Chamber of Commerce.

Laura’s primary focus of practice is family law.  Laura believes that amicable resolution of issues is often possible, with the client being empowered to make decisions.  In the event that litigation is necessary, Laura is an experienced litigator that has tried many cases to successful resolution.  However, families that engage in the Collaborative Law Practice predict to have children that have healthier lifestyles and less mental health issues later in life.

Every case is required to go through a type of alternative dispute resolution.  Laura is a Rule 114 Qualified Neutral, meaning she is qualified to perform Mediation and Early Neutral Evaluation of family law matters.  Laura is also a Parenting Consultant and Parenting Time Expeditor, helping families resolve their disputes after their divorce or separation as co-parents.

Laura Schultz, Esq.
Attorney
Laura L. Schultz Law Office
Laura@LauraSchultzLaw.com | (763) 333-2525
www.lauraschultzlaw.com

 

 

 

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Judith Wallerstein, in her ground-breaking 25-year study of divorcing parents and their children, was perhaps the first social science researcher to notice it.   The injury to self which can happen in divorce is much deeper than what people were thinking throughout the 1970s.  It can happen on the deepest level of the human psyche.

            What she noted is that the divorce for most of her study population was a challenge on three levels:   1) to the world-view her couples had always assumed (in a sense, a ‘crisis of faith’); 2) to who they thought they were as human beings (a ‘crisis of identity’), and 3) even to the deepest part of their psyche – the central brain which is connected to adequate sleep, appetite, situational awareness (avoiding traffic accidents) and the immune system.   As she sometimes said, “It’s as if the body itself perceives the experience as an attack on its ability to survive”.

            And so, it’s no wonder that couples sometimes ask themselves as they start down the path of divorce:  “How much is this going to change my life?   Who will I be on the other side of this?”

            Fear of the unknown can sometimes feel worse than dealing with the day to day frustrations of a dysfunctional relationship.   At least the dysfunction is a known quantity – which can sometimes feel safer.

            But it’s possible to reinforce the strongest sense of self coming out of a divorce process, especially one which is Collaborative and focused on the needs of the family system as a whole.

            Here are three good ideas for making that happen:

  1. Self care.   This may seem obvious, but even when life is going well it can be hard to achieve.  Good exercise, good food, and good sleep need to be a special focus when going through a divorce process.   No one wants to be at their worst or weakest in making decisions which can shape the rest of their lives, or their children’s lives.
  2. Re-engaging with your values.  The personal strength that comes from self respect is drawn from the integrity of acting consistently with your deepest values.   It brings confidence and clear thought.  It may be as simple as reconnecting with a good faith community in your area.   It may mean finding a good therapist whose listening ear helps you to feel stronger and not weaker – someone who helps you to hear your own voice clearly.   It can also mean reconnecting with caring friends and family members who help you to feel stronger and more confident (not more fearful!).   Take the time to think about making this happen for yourself.
  3. Vision planning.   This is so difficult to do when we are stuck in a “fear place”.  But the truth is, if you can’t imagine a new and better future for yourself, who is going to do it for you?   It’s important to give yourself time to carve out some moments here and there where you give yourself permission to dream.   Ask yourself:   Where have I been before that made this easier?   Who was I with at the time?  What was I listening to?

So much good comes from finding self-respect.  Honoring your entire life – physical, mental, spiritual – it’s a critical piece of putting your feet forward, every step of the way.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.