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525444317-studio-shot-of-females-hands-holding-broken-gettyimagesMarried, separated, or divorced alike, it’s hard not to feel anxious about the upcoming holiday season. Whether you love it or are dreading it, the 2015 holiday season is just around the corner. Maybe you are feeling that there is no way you are going to get through this year with your emotions in check. You are not alone. Whether you are feeling anger, sadness, grief, frustration, anxiety, etc. it is important to feel balance this time of year. How do you do that, especially if you are still grieving from your divorce? We can’t (and shouldn’t) try to banish these emotions. However, we can be intentional and generate positive emotions to help redistribute the weight of these negative emotions. So how can you do that even if you are feeling completely down this time of year? We’ve blogged previously about ways of helping others and paying it forward as ways to help ourselves emotionally, and ‘tis the season of a vast array of opportunities to help others, but here are some additional ideas for creating positive emotions in your world: Finding Nature: Nature has an amazing way of soothing us without words. Sit down and make a list of places nearby to visit nature. Maybe some are as easy as stepping out your front door and others maybe involve a little bit of a drive. Even that drive to get their can prove to be therapeutic. Nature heals and being in nature, or even viewing scenes of nature, has been shown to reduces anger, fear, and stress. Exercise: It’s no secret that exercise can help to balance your emotions – whether it’s running, walking, yoga, or even a team sport, find what you love and carve time out of your schedule to do it! When you exercise, the body releases endorphins that minimize the sensation of pain. These endorphins elevate your mood and reduce feelings of anxiety. You will also feel better when you exercise and because you are healthier, you will have more energy, and feel more balanced. Distractions: Distractions can be a positive solution for balancing emotions. Although you might be thinking that distractions will just bury your feelings to come out later on, healthy distractions provide positive emotions that will help you to release some of the negative feelings. Make a list of both healthy and unhealthy distractions that you tend to gravitate towards. While an unhealthy distraction like having drinks with friends seems like a good idea in the moment, a healthy distraction like Saturday morning coffee with a friend will prove to be better for your emotions. Focus on the Positive: Right now you might be thinking, “what positive?” At Daisy Camp we love the quote, “There is always, ALWAYS, something to be thankful for.” Maybe you’ve found journaling a helpful process for you through your divorce, which is great, but if you read through it, it may bring on raw and deep negative emotions, so start a separate gratitude journal. Make lists of what you are thankful for (past, present, and future), and try to add to that list daily. When you are feeling down – read that journal. Wishing you strength and positivity as you balance your emotions this holiday season. Remember that, “Nothing can dim the light that shines from within.” Maya Angelou. You will make it through this.
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An amicable separation and divorce can sometimes become strained when new relationships start.  New significant others often cause new emotional reactions that can subsequently impact parenting. In order to preemptively address the problems that can arise when new relationships start, in collaborative divorce, we often come up with parameters to address significant others. Here are some potential options to consider when thinking about agreements on significant others.  Any or all may be included in a parenting plan.
  • One option is to not allow the children to be introduced to any significant others without agreement of the other parent.
  • Sometimes parents like to have a period of time (such as six months or one year) after the divorce is final when no significant other shall be introduced to the children.
  • An introduction to a significant other may only occur when a neutral parenting expert (such as a child specialist in the collaborative divorce process) recommends that it is appropriate to do so.
  • Parents often keep some aspirational language in the decree such as: “Both parents understand that it is in the best interest of the children to support the children’s relationship with any long-term significant other of the other parent and shall make all reasonable efforts to do so.”
There are a number of ways to address significant others in the parenting plan. Indeed, some work on the front end, can help prevent significant stress and strain later.  Talk to a collaborative professional to learn more.
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170153517-definition-forgive-gettyimages“Many promising reconciliations have broken down because, while both parties came prepared to forgive, neither party came prepared to be forgiven.”  – Charles Williams, British author and translator I recently came across this quote about forgiveness and reconciliation and it reminded me of the collaborative divorce process. I am a collaborative attorney.  I often see couples enter into the divorce process with ideas about forgiveness.  I often see clients come into the divorce process hoping to end the anger or negative feelings. They may want to make things better for the sake of the children or to feel better themselves, whatever the reason, forgiveness can be one of the most impactful elements of divorce. To forgive is to stop feeling anger toward someone who has done something wrong or to stop blaming someone.  In divorce, forgiveness may revolve around infidelity or poor financial management or lessening attraction for another. Emotionally clients often prepare to own their own feelings. They may have considered the benefits of forgiving the other and moving forward in a more positive manner. Like the quote above implies, it is often easier to think about forgiving someone else. When someone is forgiven himself or herself, however, it may be tougher to accept. The selflessness of the other during the challenging process of divorce can sometimes be overwhelming. Genuine forgiveness may be unexpected. It can lead to breakthrough moments and opportunities to dig deeper to find more compassionate and amicable resolutions. Forgiveness and divorce are intertwined. The collaborative divorce process is designed and supported to allow the greatest opportunities for forgiveness and peacemaking.        
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Your divorce probably has you feeling like everything is beyond your control. Now imagine the lack of control your children are feeling. Yesterday they had a family with two parents living under the same roof, and today their family life as they knew it is torn apart. Your children may not have any idea how things got to this point, much less have the ability to change things. While it is seemingly impossible to feel in control right now, as a parent it is your role to support your children and help them to cope with the stress of the divorce. Focusing on these four components should help to lessen the stress on your children: patience, reassurance, structure, and stability. Patience. Have the patience to answer your child’s never ending questions they may have about the divorce. Offer them a listening ear and time to vent. Patience is tricky, especially when you are going through such a stressful time in your life. This is why it becomes so incredibly important for you to take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent you can be. Do whatever you can not to take your own stress out on your children. Even if it’s as simple as locking yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes to cool off – do it. Reassurance. Reassure your children that they are still loved by both parents, and that they did not cause this. Reassure them that it is ok to have fun and enjoy their time with each parent by not acting jealous or getting upset. Do not put your child in a situation where they are forced to pick a side, which will only cause them more stress. Reassure them that you will get through this together, and that this is not the end of their family, but rather the beginning of a different type of family for them. Structure. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind your children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. This is where parenting plans come into play and are so important to maintaining structure. A toddler may not know what day of the week it is, but something as simple as a color coded weekly calendar showing them what days they go to moms house at what days they go to dads house can help them to understand their routine. A preteen or teen may benefit more from an electronic calendar, where they know exactly who is picking them up from school and activities each day. Find what works best for maintaining structure in your family and stick to it. Stability. It is important to maintain structure in order to provide stability for your children. If one parent has bailed on picking up the kids for the past two weeks, that child no longer has the stability in their life to help them cope with the stress of divorce. Parents in this situation will often stop telling their children when the other parent is going to pick them up because they hate to see them get disappointed. When this happens the parenting plan needs to be addressed and reevaluated. Not only is it stressful on the parent when the other doesn’t follow through, but it is incredibly stressful on children. All of these points go hand in hand with one another. The more stability and structure you have, the more reassured your child will be. Divorce may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.
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87885485-we-like-the-swing-ride-gettyimagesWe are currently enjoying the annual Minnesota Get-Together.  The State Fair is an annual ritualistic event that many Minnesotans appreciate.  When families are divorcing, it is often important to continue to maintain these rituals to keep consistency for children. When conflict overwhelms a divorce these important factors may be lost.  A collaborative process, that focuses on the interests of the parties can help keep these important rituals in the family. Many families take the annual trek to St. Paul, Minnesota to the State Fair grounds. Whether they drive and pay $20 to park on someone’s lawn or jump in a church parking lot and take a free shuttle, they all end up at the Fair. Once there, they may play games in the Midway, taste meatloaf on a stick or Sweet Martha’s Cookies, or explore the many educational/agricultural opportunities. There are parades and musical performances. Animals galore. It seems everyone has their own “way” of exploring the Fair. When a family divorces, the annual Fair-going event may change.  Some families can maintain the traditions and attend the fair together, despite the new status of divorce. Other families may trade-off the Fair event each year or share it in some way (mom and dad swap at the corner of Cosgrove and Randall). Or maybe a family friend or grandparent will maintain the tradition. What is most unfortunate, however, is when these types of traditions are lost altogether.  It may result from financial challenges or anger between the parents.  Sometimes rituals are just lost in the transitions – they may be forgotten.  A collaborative process can help to keep the focus of divorce on the children.  Keeping the focus on what matters most to them will help keep these types of rituals in the forefront.  As a whole, the family will be better off and rituals can be maintained if you work together on the outcomes.
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51MfVDOlEkL._SX338_BO1,204,203,200_In his book about how to avoid human conflict, Don Miguel Ruiz suggests these four agreements that a person makes with himself or herself: 1.  I will be impeccable with my word. 2.  I will not personalize the anything the other person says, does, feels, thinks or believes. 3.  I will make no assumptions. 4.  I will do my best each day with the energy I have been given. This post will focus on the Third Agreement, which can be very difficult to keep, in part because of how we are wired. Our human brains are constantly analyzing our environment and making conscious and subconscious decisions about whether or not a threat exists. Without this vigilance, we would not have survived as a species. Our vigilant human brains are also designed to categorize and sort, and then to recognize patterns. When patterns repeat, we give the patterns a meaning and define this as learning. This is how our brains are designed to work. However, it can happen that when we recognize patterns, we give them the wrong meaning. We can make an incorrect assumption (which is the definition of a superstition).  We get further and further from real meaning if we persist in believing and acting on our assumptions. This can create unnecessary misunderstanding and conflict, and it happens all the time, especially in intimate relationships. Rather than make assumptions, it is important to remain open to alternate interpretations and ask good questions. One can easily make misguided assumptions even when absolutely sure one is right.  When I met my mother-in-law, her home was filled with frog ornaments. For years, family members gave her frog-themed items for her birthday and Christmas, and she found places to display them all. After 10 years, I happened to ask her when she first started to like frogs.  She responded, “Oh, I don’t like frogs.”  All evidence to the contrary! I said in puzzlement, “But you have such a collection of frogs, I just assumed you liked them.” She smiled and told about receiving frog-decorated towels as a thank you gift from a guest.  She put the towels in her guest bathroom, and the next guests assumed she liked frogs and bought her a frog ornament, which she promptly displayed. What was never true about my wonderful mother-in-law was that she liked frogs. What was true was that she proudly displayed the gifts she was given, to honor the givers. In the relationship crisis of a divorce or break up, it can be especially easy to make negative assumptions about one’s spouse or partner, and express these assumptions directly to other people. A child once told me in tears about hearing one parent say to the other, “This divorce is proof you never really loved your family.” Making the Third Agreement helps ensure that children will be kept at the center and out of the middle.    
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collaborative divorce optionsDivorce is a challenging life experience for children, and parents worry what the impact will be on their children’s lives.  Based on my work with families of divorce, I have three specific suggestions for how parents can empathetically support their children during this difficult and often painful transition: 1.  Never put your children in the middle of parental conflict. This cannot be overstated:  exposure to parental conflict is toxic for children.  Heated arguments around children, even if parents believe their children can’t overhear, negatively charge the environment in the home, and kids will feel it.  Critical or disrespectful words  about a parent said by the other parent in the hearing range of their children make kids confused, sad and often angry.   I have heard many stories from tearful  children about trying to get parents to stop arguing and belittling each other.  You would never feed your children poisonous food;  do not make them absorb poisonous words. 2.  Remember that children deserve the best safe parenting they can get from both parents.  Be civil, treat each other with courtesy and remind your children that both parents love them.  Despite your hurt, anger or betrayal as a spouse, remember that your child’s relationship with and feelings about your soon-to-be-ex are separate from yours.  Resist the urge to try to get your child on your side, or to alienate your child from the other parent.  Of course real safety concerns must be addressed and may result in protective measures like supervised parental access.  But it is not fair to try to negatively manipulate your child’s feelings about the other parent just because you are angry. 3.  Listen to your children and stay attuned to their needs. The emotional and time demands of a divorce can understandably absorb parents’ time and attention at the exact time their children may need extra reassurance. Because regular routines are usually reassuring to children, try to designate time to spend with your children doing normal family activities.  Let them know whatever feelings they have about the divorce are okay, and you will always love and support them.  Check in with them to see how they’re doing, but read their cues if they tell you you’re asking too often.
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507851475-unhappy-three-year-old-girl-in-bedroom-gettyimagesToday I met with two very attuned and caring parents who have, after many efforts at repair,  made the decision to end their marriage. Topmost on their list of concerns was the impact their divorce might have on their children, specifically that the decision to divorce might result in their children losing hope for the future. I have so much empathy for parents burdened with worry about the painful crisis their divorce might create for their children. It is important to keep in perspective that it is entirely possible to keep the emotional crisis of divorce from ever becoming a trauma for children. Crises are difficult turning points, but inherent in a crisis is the potential for healing. Traumas inflict deep wounds and can derail healthy development in children. In addition, the effects of trauma will reverberate across generations unless repaired. Two negative potential consequences of divorce can be especially traumatic for children, especially those who have secure attachments to both parents:  1.  that the conflict between their parents never resolves, and children are perpetually kept in the middle of that conflict; and 2.  that a parent’s contact with their children is so limited after the divorce that the children feel abandoned (or as one child sadly told me, “I didn’t know I would be divorced too”). How parents choose to divorce is key.  Any process that supports parents’ ability to maintain loving focus on the needs of their children is valuable for many reasons.  For the parents themselves, it helps to set the stage for the transition to effective co-parenting.  Respectful co-parenting creates the environment in which children can be resilient and thrive. A child-centered divorce process can also have immediate benefits for children in the following ways:  children will likely be more calm and centered when there is a tone of respect rather than acrimony between their parents during the divorce;  it benefits children when they can experience predictability and lack of drama during an already uncertain time; children are kept out of the dangerous middle of adult-level discussions and conflict;  children feel safer and are soothed when parents begin to co-parent effectively. Collaborative Practice is one way to create a child-centered divorce process.  For more information, please visit the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota website.        
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150973506-torn-childs-drawing-depicting-family-gettyimagesIn”The Importance of Attachment: Part I“, I outlined the key developmental value of a secure attachment relationship between a child and a parent.   Secure attachment is the foundation of resilience.  Adverse life events, like a divorce, can be mastered by resilient children, especially if their secure attachments are not threatened by the divorce.  As a Neutral Child Specialist, my goal is to make sure that the crisis of a divorce does not become a trauma for a child. I recently attended a workshop on the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI), a series of questions that allows researchers to understand how well an adult has integrated his or her own life experiences, both positive and adverse.  Adults who have managed to integrate their experiences into a coherent narrative are considered securely attached.  Unfortunately, according to a number of research studies, only about half of all adults have secure attachments as measured by the AAI.  The remainder have not been able to integrate adverse experiences, and remain either highly anxious or disconnected from them.  Some insecurely attached adults who were traumatized as children live in constant emotional chaos.  Researchers speculate that the quality of adult attachment is related to how capable a person is to form an emotionally safe, committed and loving relationship with another adult. Numerous longitudinal research studies have discovered another impact of adult attachment. There is a very high level of correlation between how an adult responds on the AAI and the subsequent quality of attachment that adult is able to create with his or her own child.  Compellingly, the life story a person tells on the AAI is a stronger predictor of quality of attachment with his or her child than actual observed parental behavior.  In other words, the impact of emotional distress and trauma in childhood will reverberate across generations unless a parent gets the necessary support and healing to integrate his or her life into a coherent narrative.  It is possible for adults to shift from insecurely attached to securely attached, but it requires the healing that comes from therapeutic relationships. Obviously the best way to ensure secure attachments for generations of children is to prevent trauma in their lives.  Of all the reasons to select a divorce process that supports respectful and healthy resolutions and builds the foundation for effective co-parenting, it is the legacy of secure attachment that will be left for your children and future generations.  Collaborative Practice is one such process.  
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152258425-family-gettyimagesAttachment is the term used to describe the emotional relationship between two people.  The earliest and most significant attachment develops between an infant and his or her primary caregivers.  This attachment is based on how consistently, accurately and soothingly the adult reads and responds to the cues of the baby Most infants form a secure attachment with their parents based on consistent and  responsive care.  The quality of the infant attachment relationship has lifelong implications for how a child develops into an adult.  The human abilities to manage anxiety, show empathy, regulate anger, trust others and feel hope for the future all have their roots in this first attachment relationship. If a parent is unable to provide emotionally consistent care or is emotionally rejecting, the infant’s attachment relationship becomes insecure.   If the care-giving is emotionally chaotic, the attachment becomes disorganized.  Disorganized attachment has profound negative impacts on future development.  Disorganized attachment history often has its roots in parental trauma.  One life event that researchers link to parental trauma is their own childhood experience of a divorce with the elements of high conflict and/or abandonment by a parent. I often tell parents with whom I work that divorce is a life crisis that does not need to become a trauma for a child.  A respectful, healthy divorce process that is child-centered or child-inclusive can help a securely attached child continue to feel safe.  With effective co-parenting, these children can maintain secure attachments with both parents and continue to thrive after a divorce.  This becomes the root source of children’s resilience. My next blog will focus on what we know about Adult Attachment and its implications for future generations.  In the meantime, please learn more about the Collaborative child-centered and child-inclusive divorce process on the website for the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota.