What happens to couples who threaten each other when it comes to divorce?
It’s an automatic response, which happens on a physiological level first. What some brain researchers refer to as the “fight, flight or freeze” phenomenon is an automatic survival mechanism that surfaces in response to perceived danger. The amygdala in the center of the brain detects threats and signals, which trigger a cascade of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol to prepare the body to fight back – or flee, or freeze or even mimic a “fawn” – blending quietly into camouflage wherever a hiding place can be found. Heart rate and breathing speed up, and muscles tense to respond with immediate action.
As divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein once noted, stress like that over a short period of time is one thing; stress like that over a period of many months or years (which contested court divorces can often last) is another thing entirely – it becomes something which can cause permanent damage to both parents and children.
What else happens when these mechanisms are triggered? Rational thought – the type of careful thought which could be used by couples to craft a successful future for the family – cannot be accessed because it has been blocked.
Human beings are more than machines, and we can’t control our automatic triggers. But we can be smart enough to over-ride them.
How can couples manage those physiological responses and move forward into a hopeful and happy future?
The solution is an easy answer, but it takes hard work and the development of habits which will help lay a communication foundation for the future, as well as help children to last and thrive for a lifetime. Developing habits of respect for one another take practice, and here is a short list that can be practiced by anyone:
- Don’t jump to conclusions. Collaborative Attorneys, and Financial and Family Specialists see this so often. Couples assume they know what each other will say, before the chance to say it has surfaced, or the reasoning behind it has been explained. Each side needs the chance to be heard, and to say what won’t work for them – but that has to be followed up by suggestions that could work for everyone.
- Use descending tone. In a Collaborative Divorce, it’s so important for a divorcing couple to each find their individual “voice” in speaking to their own needs, and the needs of their children. When couples speak up for themselves, it’s always more effective than lawyers blathering on about what they believe their clients think and need. But couples’ voices do not have to shout to be effective. Statements can be simple, direct, pointed – but the energy behind the voice doesn’t need to wear anyone out or down. And sometimes adding a simple “we” or “us” to the statement can become more effective – “it seems to me like we’ve always gotten stuck on that, but I really don’t want us to go there anymore”.
- Stay curious. This is the hardest habit to develop when anyone is facing danger – and in divorce the dangers can be losing assets, getting stuck with mountains of debt from the cost of the process, and spending meaningful time with children. Big stuff – huge, in fact. But it is possible to keep an open mind. The internal discussion can move from “I don’t see how this can ever work” to “I wonder if maybe we could get that solved” – that shift invites positive solutions into the discussion and makes all the difference in the world.
If you are contemplating divorce, can you develop habits of respect for one another? It’s not easy, and in fact such habits tend to fly in the face of automatic physical impulses. But in Collaborative Practice we see couples who do it, and do it well. We want to see couples and families not only survive the process – we want to see them and their children thrive. And we want to see them craft solutions created out of their own authentic voice.
Consider a start by changing your negative self-talk. Ask yourself, “could we maybe create a better future for ourselves?” That potential future won’t happen without staying curious and developing the habits needed to get there.
Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com
With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.
She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.
After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.
