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494322995-business-people-shaking-hands-in-meeting-gettyimagesIf you are facing the possibility of a divorce, choosing a divorce lawyer could be one of the most important decisions in your life. Divorce is unfair. It forces you to make some of the most difficult decisions in your life at a time when you might be least able to do so. Having someone you trust to advise you is important. There are hundreds of lawyers in the Twin Cities with significant experience handling divorce cases.  Regardless of what you may think of lawyers (and surveys would suggest that may not be overly positive) lawyers are, for the most part, like the rest of our society. They come in all shapes and sizes, and have varying degrees of skill, honesty and effectiveness. If you work hard and do your homework, you can find one of the really good ones. Perhaps more importantly, you want to the best attorney for you. The key is to know how to investigate and interview so that you find the right fit. Investigating Lawyers to Interview. The first step is to find attorneys to interview. The best way to start is to talk with people you know who have had a positive experience with their divorce attorney and find out what it is about their attorney that they liked. The other option is to research the internet carefully, at least to make sure you understand all of the process options available. While it would be reckless to choose an attorney from online information alone, the internet can be an effective way to find someone to interview. It is also a good way to learn about the main process choices that exist in our community; namely traditional representation; mediation and Collaborative Practice. Once you have found an attorney to interview (or ideally several attorneys), you should contact each attorney (by phone or email) and find out if they charge for the initial consultation. Many family law attorneys will provide consultations for free, or at little charge, in order to give you the opportunity to meet them and learn how they work. When you do interview the attorneys, do not be afraid to ask them difficult questions to help you determine if they are a good fit for you. Many books include guidance on questions to ask your attorney including, The Collaborative Way to Divorce. Make sure that each attorney that you interview provides a description of the main process choices described above and make sure they describe their experience and training in each of these areas. Attorneys, like most people, have preferences and biases and their description of the three basic options can be filtered by their own preferences, rather than being based upon actual experience. If, for example, your attorney has not had significant experience in mediation or Collaborative Law, their recommendation may be based on third hand accounts of information or bias, rather than actual expertise. To find attorneys who have experience or expertise in Collaborative Law and mediation, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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185123062-stone-heart-gettyimagesAs a collaborative law professional, I work with divorcing couples on out-of-court resolutions that meet big picture goals and interests. It is challenging work that I have dedicated my career to and I strive daily to provide the highest level of service. As a general practice, I check in with my clients a year or so after the divorce to see how things are going. I genuinely care about my clients and enjoy learning where they are at after a divorce and what accomplishments and challenges they have faced after the transition. While many traditional, court-based divorce attorneys hear from their clients often with post-decree disputes or modifications, I believe if I have done my job most effectively, clients will be prepared to handle most everything that comes up after a divorce on their own. More often than not, the only way I know how my clients are navigating a post-divorce world, is to reach out and ask them. I recently heard from two former clients. First, I heard from a spouse who had one of the more challenging financial situations I have dealt with. There was significant debt and substantial expenses (as there often are) and they had shared some unique financial goals regarding their investments and retirements moving forward. They also agreed to share future income in a manner that was unique in the eyes of the law, yet suited their big picture goals. The parents agreed on many parenting issues, but both had personal experiences with bad divorces in their own childhoods, so they were apprehensive and untrusting of the other. They also intended to move out-of-state for the main wage-earner’s work once the children finished the school-year, although there was concern on follow through with this agreement. I heard from this client that the move happened without a hitch and they have peacefully transitioned into two homes in a new community. The children are thriving with the help of good communication and some family counseling. I heard from my client that “things are better than I expected” and that my client truly believes they are both doing really well. Most importantly, my client was excited to share the accomplishments of the children, yet sharing truthfully some of the difficulties they have had with the transition. This client expressed gratitude for a collaborative divorce process that allowed them to acknowledge the positives in their relationship and preserve what works, while restructuring things for a better future. My other client had recently navigated his Wife getting remarried. He provided spousal maintenance to his ex-Wife and the decree had contemplated the financial circumstances changing upon remarriage if either spouse requested such a review. My client informed me that despite the decree allowing for a review, he had decided not to do so because he wanted to continue to support his ex-Wife in a financially stable situation for the benefit of his children. Even though he could have likely lessened his obligation, he felt most comfortable with maintaining the status quo and continuing support. Like my other client, he thanked me for providing a process that allowed him the flexibility to decide what feels right but also preserved the respect and caring he shares for his ex-Wife. Indeed, that respect has benefited her greatly as well through the support. In my years of experience and check-ins with clients, I am continuously impressed by the level of gratitude clients express for the collaborative process. It is a process that creates unique outcomes tailored to each family’s needs and, I believe, results in longer lasting agreements and stronger post-divorce relationships.
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167810616-mature-couple-relationship-difficulty-gettyimagesThe most significant increase in divorces nationwide has been among baby boomers, essentially those people born between 1945 and 1965. That is not terribly surprising given the high number of people in this age range. However, it does present new dynamics to divorce to the point where the notion of “boomer divorce” has started to reshape the way divorce happens. Baby boomers who face divorce tend to have different issues, and different priorities, than other generations. For the most part their children are grown, or nearly grown. As a result, they do not need significant help with issues of custody or parenting. However, they tend to be very concerned about the well-being of their grown children; whether it comes to making sure that college is financed or addressing their children’s desire to have their parents behave amicably. Children in their late teens or early twenty’s often care deeply about their parent’s divorce and the way that their parents face divorce can have an impact on their lives. If they are in college, they want to be able to visit each parent during school breaks and acrimony between parents can make that awkward or difficult. When they look ahead toward important life events like weddings, graduations, births and baptism, they want both parents to be able to participate without bringing unwanted tension to these life events. I have heard many stories about parents who attend their child’s wedding and cannot be in the same room together. It is very sad to imagine a young bride or groom, on the most important day of their lives, having to focus on have to protect or care for one or both of their parents rather than focus on this important occasion. Many of have witnessed these sad occasions. At the same time, we have witnessed divorcing parents who are amicable with each other and can share the experience of their child’s wedding in a way that truly honors the event. Baby boomers also care a great deal about planning for their financial future and in creating a divorce agreement that allows them to eventually enjoy their retirement years.   With people living longer and remaining healthy will into their later years, there is generally a great deal of fear about the divorce altering their retirement plans. While divorce does take a financial toll on all of the family resources, including a division of retirement assets, boomers who use creative planning, including working with an interdisciplinary team that includes financial professionals, can find acceptable creative solutions. The unique problems faced by most boomers are increasingly causing them to look for more amicable and creative options to help them divorce in a way that preserves their sanity, their co-parenting and their financial nest egg as much as possible. For information about those options go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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136006968-writing-letters-gettyimagesIn the past few months, I have seen a number of people in my social network share this letter. It is a wonderfully written letter from an ex-Wife to her husband’s new girlfriend. Instead of the expected angry, hurtful, stay-away-from-my-children many people would have expected, the letter is filled with caring love for another human being and a potential influencer in her children’s lives. It is welcoming and tries to explain many of the nuances of the new family structures that arise out of divorce. Indeed, they take all shapes and sizes. This letter has been shared tens of thousands of times, because to the general public, it is unique. It is not what they expect to emerge out of divorce – it is not what society seems to expect of couples deciding to end a marriage. Truthfully, however, I see this kind of result all the time. As a collaborative divorce specialist, I loved this letter. It brought tears to my eyes as a real example of kindness and compassion in action. It is what I strive for every day when I work with families transitioning through divorce. We ground the collaborative process in mutual shared goals. If there are kids involved, both parents always want outcomes that protect the children. Regardless of what behavior, emotions or acts have led parents to a divorce, I know parents want to maintain strong relationships with their children and want their children to thrive in a post-divorce world. Many parents would even acknowledge the important role the other parent plays in raising the children. These goals are not unique – I see them all the time. And, when parents commit to an out of court, non-adversarial process, like collaborative law, the professionals in the process are as committed to these goals as the clients. I believe this letter demonstrates how important a positive co-parenting relationship is for children of divorce. That relationship lasts the rest of your life – figure out how to make it work. You do not need to be friends or call each other to talk about your day at work, but a respectful communication style to discuss your children will hugely benefit everyone. Having a strategy to embrace and face the changes that come after divorce is important as well. Statistically, both parents are likely to start new relationships – address these changes with healthy communication or seek outside support to learn how. Collaborative law is a divorce option that addresses many of the long-lasting implications of divorce and attempts to prepare families to move into a post-divorce life that allows everyone to thrive.
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72918896-two-figures-held-together-by-hearts-around-gettyimagesCollaborative Divorce was started in Minnesota 25 years ago and has spread to more than 20 countries because it meets two basic needs felt by divorcing couples around the world. What does it mean to say that a divorce is Collaborative? First, it is important to understand that difference between the formal Collaborative divorce process (with a capital C) and the use of the word collaborative. To be collaborative simply means to work together and, in that sense, any divorce in which people work together could be described as collaborative, (small c). However, the Collaborative divorce process is something distinctly different. Most people want to keep their divorce amicable, and Collaborative Divorce gives them the tools to work out of court to make that happen. At the same, people facing divorce want to know that they are protected; that they have someone looking out for their interests. Collaborative Divorce provides each party with an attorney who will work with them to help them achieve their most meaningful goals. In a Collaborative Divorce, the attorneys must withdraw if the matter goes to court in an adversarial proceedings. That is the one rule. A rule that is simple and yet, changes the entire tenor of the divorce negotiation.   It is a great example of addition by subtracting. By subtracting one element, (the ability of the lawyers to fight), a door is opened to add many more valuable tools (true interest based-bargaining, teaming with financial experts and mental health professionals, deeper solutions, etc.). That one change redefines the negotiation and creates a ripple effect that, if handled in a skillful manner, creates many more options. People sometimes hire aggressive lawyers, reluctantly; believing that their spouse will be aggressive and that they, therefore, need to “fight fire with fire”. The problem, of course, is that fighting fire with fire means there is a great risk that someone (maybe everyone) will get burned. Collaborative Divorce, with the agreement not to fight, is intended to put out the fire, so that you, and your spouse, can build their future on solid ground.   That is not easy to achieve. It requires skill and commitment. An attorney who cannot use argument and fighting must have other skills. Equally important, clients who intend to achieve their highest goals without fighting must be prepared to work on developing other skills as well. To learn more about the Collaborative Process and to find experts with skill and experience in this area, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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157282282Divorce court should be your LAST resort. After all, do you want a complete stranger in a black robe deciding the fate of your future? You do not want a judge to decide where your children will live, how much time you get to spend with them, or deciding your financial future. Once you go to court you lose the control. There are ways to stay out of the courtroom. Sitting down with your ex to work out as many issues as possible will help facilitate a settlement. Sound too easy (or maybe too difficult, if coming to agreements with your ex seems to be a difficult feat), enlist in the help of a Collaborative attorney. As part of the Collaborative law method, both parties retain separate attorneys whose job it is to help them settle the dispute. In the Collaborative process most of the formal steps are waived or postponed so that you and your spouse can focus on your divorce issues. The collaborative attorneys, along with you and your spouse, sign a contract that commits you to reach a settlement with your spouse. No one may go to court. If that should occur, the collaborative law process terminates and both attorneys are disqualified from any further involvement in the case. Having a good attorney who is a problem solver, rather than someone who creates problems, is important. You want an attorney who works with and for you, and not someone who will create unnecessary battles. Another good approach to avoiding divorce court is mediation. Mediation is used as a means of resolving cases without the need to go to trial. Mediation allows for you, your soon-to-be-ex spouse and respective attorneys to resolve issues using a third party, the mediator. A good mediator will work with the parties to settle everything with input from you as well as your attorneys. A mediator can help work out agreements on distribution of property and assets, child custody, child Support/maintenance, retirement, and taxes. Sometimes agreements come easy, sometimes they take time and a lot of work. When agreements are hard to reach, that is when the mediator intervenes. As said previously, the last thing anyone wants is to go to trial, however sometimes going to trial is simply unavoidable. What if you still find yourself in a divorce trial? Be sure to read Daisy Camp’s next blog post on, “What it Means to go to Trial in a Divorce.” Also, a wonderful book to read on the subject is the book, “The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method that Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids – Without Having to go to Court.” by Collaborative Attorneys, Stuart Webb and Ron Ousky.
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450844547Almost all divorces end up in a negotiated settlement. (In most states, less than 5% of all divorces actually go to trial.) Therefore, the most important thing for couples to consider, before they start down the path toward divorce, is how to negotiate the best possible resolution to your divorce. When I ask most clients what they want from a divorce process, they almost always talk about two things: 1.) They want a divorce that is amicable. This makes sense. Most wise people would want an amicable divorce; either for the sake of their children, the protection of their finances, preserving their own mental health, or all three. No sane person would choose to have a messy divorce if they can avoid it. 2.) They want to feel protected. At the same time, almost everyone wants to feel some sense of protection. They are entering into important agreements that will impact their lives and, perhaps, the lives of the children for many years. They do not want to sign an agreement that they will resent or regret. These two negotiating goals do not need to conflict with each other. The biggest mistake that people can make is thinking that these two goals are in conflict with each other. They want an amicable divorce but they think the need to hire an aggressive lawyer to protect their needs. Or, alternatively, they think that all lawyers will be aggressive so they avoid getting legal counsel and end up with a settlement that they regret. Contrary to common belief, it is possible for divorcing clients to have the “best of both worlds”. This is the very reason that Collaborative Practice has grown all over the world. The best scenario, of course, would be to have an attorney who will protect your interests and yet preserve an amicable environment. Collaborative Attorneys are trained in non-adversarial negotiating strategies and they are retained for settlement purposes only. Because they focus on settlement only, they work to help your spouse to “say yes” by using interest based methods that help you get better outcomes, without creating the rancor and expense of using adversarial methods. To learn more about Collaborative Practice, and how it can be used to help you get your best outcomes, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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157522978Collaborative law is a world-wide phenomenon. Although the process originally started in Minnesota, it has now spread throughout the world.  Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of getting to know collaborative professionals from Europe, South America, Australia, and Africa. Collaborative law happens all over the world. I often find myself meeting with new potential clients and discussing the benefits of collaborative divorce. I differentiate this process from an adversarial, court process. Most importantly, I try and help potential clients understand the simplest, most elegant aspect of collaborative divorce – it just works. In many aspects of life, we try and find the “special sauce.” How do we articulate, put to words, the essence of collaborative law? What is it about collaborative law that has made it a world-wide phenomenon? Allowing clients to maintain control of the process and work in a respectful manner to find mutually-agreeable resolutions are the key tenants. But why does it work? I think the essence of collaborative law supersedes culture and language. It works all over the world because people genuinely want it to work. People want to maintain control of their family and lives after divorce. People want confidentiality and full disclosure of information, but don’t want to incur extraordinary expense. People also want a respectful process and want to maintain their own integrity throughout. Some people ask why collaborative law works? I think it makes more sense to state that collaborative law does work. In fact, it works all over the world.
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Dan and Tonda celebrating 40 years of marriage in Paris.
My husband and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary this year. It feels like a big number but I don’t feel old or tired of the marriage. My husband and I have worked hard to keep our marriage fresh and vibrant, and we look forward to the next 20 or 30 years together. But as a collaborative divorce attorney, I know that even happy marriages can come to an end. In fact most marriages are happy, some for many years, before “stuff happens” and one or both spouses decide to end the marriage. Before I became a “collaborative” divorce attorney and was merely a “traditional” divorce attorney, it was frightening to think of going through my own divorce. My experience as a “traditional” divorce attorney made me all too aware of the stress my clients and their spouses underwent in an adversarial process that sometimes exacerbated the conflict between them and put pressure on them to vilify or blame the other. However, since limiting my practice to the out-of-court collaborative divorce process, I am no longer afraid of going through my own divorce if that became necessary. I know that my husband and I would be respected in the collaborative process and that we would work for the greater good of our family and for our mutual future security. While my marriage would be a great loss to me, I know the collaborative process is there to gently, effectively, and efficiently escort me and my husband through this important life event. Don’t be afraid. If you are faced with or considering an end to your marriage, consider a collaborative divorce. You can find out more about it at www.collaborativelaw.org and www.mndivorce.com.  
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56195395Collaborative law requires experienced professionals and clients willing to work together to find resolutions for their family law matters. It is a unique, non-adversarial process that provides an alternative to a traditional, litigation. It is a respectful process that depends upon four main tenants.
  1. Full Disclosure. In a collaborative law both parties provide all information relevant to the case. There are no formal discovery processes – no time or money spent on depositions or document requests. Both parties provide everything needed – if someone needs more, they ask and agree to disclose it. Both parties must have all the information they need to generate options and make decisions.
  2. Confidential Process. The information discussed an the options generated are confidential and shall not be disclosed until final resolutions are reached. Divorce is not a confidential process by default. Indeed, the court process is quite transparent. In collaborative, however, the information discussed and shared is not disclosed until the very end. This provides for a more thorough process overall.
  3. Neutral Experts. All experts shall be neutral. They will be chosen by both parties together (often recommended by other professionals) and operate in an on-adversarial manner. Their expertise benefits both parties.
  4. Professionals Limited in Representation. The collaborative professionals on a case can only work in one role – settlement. The professionals cannot represent you in any other matter and in any other capacity. Your collaborative attorney cannot represent you in a court process. A mental health professional (child specialist or coach) cannot provide therapy. And the financial neutrals cannot also solicit your financial planning business. Everyone has one purpose and one role – to help you find collaborative resolutions.