collaborative divorce process Archives | Page 6 of 8

July 22, 2014

In my last blog I wrote about how people travel all around the world to learn about how we Collaborative divorce in Minnesota. In this blog, I want to say a little bit about why that is true. Describing all of the elements of Collaborative Divorce would require more than we could put in one blog. I want to focus on the one element that may stand out above the others: choice. People who face family conflict need choices. Collaborative Divorce takes everyone, including the lawyers outside the court system, so that there is complete freedom for each family to design a process that truly meets their unique needs. Once people arrive at that place where true choices can be made, there are many options. Here are some examples of choices people can make in the Collaborative Process:

People can choose to have a parenting expert help them with their children rather than leaving the parenting issues divorce lawyers.
People can choose to have a financial expert teach them about how to handle finances better rather than just fight over who gets the bigger slice of the pie.
People can choose to improve their communication, and even, if possible improving their respect and trust of each other, by getting the emotional support that they need.
People can choose to focus on their highest goals, like reducing conflict and can avoid getting caught up in minor issues.
People can even choose to put the divorce on pause, if appropriate, to give them time to look at their marriage and determine whether they want to work on reconciliation.

When families are in conflict, trying to fit that conflict into a narrow “one-size fits all” system, can lead to outcomes that do not address true needs. Stepping outside the shadow of the courthouse and letting families design their own course leads to better outcomes. Divorce is difficult. The choices that you make during this important time could affect your family for decades. Before you take the first step, explore all of your options. To find out about the Collaborative option, go to www.collaborativelaw.org.

July 21, 2014

Recently I participated in a case debrief with other members of a Collaborative team. The debrief, or case consultation, is a regular and ordinary part of Collaborative Team Practice. Any team member can request a debrief to get an update or deal with an emerging issue, or they can be regularly scheduled by the neutral coach as part of team practice. I usually don’t think twice about how remarkable these discussions can be. But it is important to occasionally reflect on what makes Collaborative Team Practice uniquely able to tailor problem solving to the needs of clients. The issue we were addressing as a team was how to best support a divorcing couple to deal with hurtful and contentious behavior by extended family. This is not an uncommon concern. It can be difficult for extended family and friends to know how to behave during a divorce, and many default to taking sides. This can aggravate an already painful situation, especially for children who find themselves in the middle when listening to an aunt, uncle, grandparent or other family member who is critical or dismissive of one parent. This issue had arisen several times while creating a parenting plan. Because parents were working with me as a neutral child specialist, it was possible for us to generate options in an open way, e.g. inviting extended family members to a meeting with me to talk about the goals of Collaborative Team Practice and the importance of keeping kids at the center and out of the middle. Parents and I agreed I should discuss their concerns and potential options with their team. In the team debrief, the attorneys and neutrals working with this family continued to openly address this issue with a problem solving approach, and more options were generated for supporting our clients and their children. Each team member was able to contribute nonjudgmental, constructive perspective and empathetic support. We shared the commitment to assist our clients through a challenging time. In a different kind of divorce process, it would have been difficult to have such an open discussion about an issue with such potential to be polarizing. Team debriefs are clearly one of the strengths and value-added dimensions of the Collaborative Team Practice model.

July 10, 2014

I recently attended a symposium about divorce entitled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It?” At first glance you might wonder whether we had anything to talk about. What do love and divorce have in common? Isn’t divorce the result of the loss of love? Sharing ideas with others interested in improving the divorce process reinforced my belief that love, forgiveness and compassion are the keys to divorcing well, and that divorce can indeed be a healing process. Divorce is an all-too-common event these days. We all have friends, family members, neighbors and co-workers who have experienced becoming unmarried. Some just barely survive and are stuck looking back at their divorce with regret and resentment. Years later they continue to bad-mouth their ex and blame their divorce for their ongoing unhappiness. Their inability to be present and available has long-term consequences for their children as well. Most of us also know people who not only survive, but thrive in their post-divorce lives. They are somehow able to accept the major changes in their day-to-day lives and move forward. By doing so, they are healthy role models for their children and fun to be around. What accounts for these vastly different outcomes? Personality certainly has something to do with it. Some humans are blessed with more optimistic outlooks than others. Seeing the glass half full reduces anxiety about the future. Life circumstances also play a role. Good health, steady employment, and a healthy balance sheet contribute to feeling better about what lies ahead. However, several decades of experience tells me that one factor trumps everything else in terms of one’s ability to recover from divorce … the ability to forgive. Anger, bitterness, blame and resentment are feelings associated with the loss of a loving relationship. Grieving the loss is necessary in order to get on with life. Tara Brach, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, who was a symposium presenter, says, “Vengeance is a lazy form of grief.” Rather than being lazy and stuck, working through one’s grief with a therapist, clergy person, or trusted friend can lead to understanding and forgiveness. Acknowledgment and forgiveness of one’s own contributions to the divorce are essential, as is forgiveness of the other person. In the Collaborative divorce process, our professional team includes a neutral coach and a child specialist, both of whom assist the parties in reaching closure with regard to their marriage and defining their future co-parenting relationship. “When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” -Fredrick Buechner

July 9, 2014

In my last post “Getting Unmarried: Gray Divorces” I wrote about the increasing number of divorces for those over the age of fifty. Also of note was how Gray Divorces have many of the same foundational issues as any divorce although there are some distinct differences. Regardless of the issues, a trained financial neutral plays a critical role in the collaborative process. Money matters can be a bed rock of tension in divorce cases. Financial issues are often cited as a major reason for marriage breakups. A financial neutral assists couples in navigating their finances. They help with the two major financial components in divorce. One is the balance sheet (list of all assets and liabilities), and two the cash flow and support. So what does a financial neutral actually do you ask. First and foremost a financial neutral is just that – an impartial expert on financial issues. They remain unattached to any particular outcome. A good financial neutral can be worth their weight in gold when it comes to helping couples navigate money issues in divorce. Financial neutrals help a couple gather and identify the financial information needed. I often hear from spouses the detail involved in gathering the financial information is something they have never experienced. The reason for this is all assets and liabilities, each and every one, is separately noted in the final decree so as to leave no doubt who gets what and who is responsible for what. Independent third party written documentation is needed to support each asset and liability. This information gathering is a part of the process that can’t be short circuited. Having said this, when information gathering is completed by a financial neutral it can save spouses a considerable sum. Think about it. You are paying one professional, the financial neutral, to complete this process vs. each spouse providing the same information to each of their attorneys who in a non-collaborative divorce will have to review and assimilate all the information provided, ask questions of their clients, and then likely have to converse with the other spouse’s attorney. Financial neutrals can assimilate and organize this information in a streamlined manner with the couple’s cooperation. Usually financial neutral hourly rates are less and sometimes significantly less than attorney rates. Once all financial information is collected and organized the financial neutral creates a marital balance sheet listing each and every asset and liability. The marital balance sheet forms the basis for discussion as to how each asset and liability is allocated between spouses. In the collaborative divorce process, couples make their own decisions about asset and liability allocations to each spouse. Couples must ultimately reach agreements on the balance sheet. The financial neutral along with each spouse’s attorney helps facilitate these discussions. The alternative in more traditional litigated divorce cases is someone else, a judge, makes decisions for the couple since they are not able to agree on their own. Financial neutrals help spouse’s asses their ability to meet their reasonable living expenses (cash flow). This part of the process includes analyzing income sources and estimating future living expenses. Generally spouses are asked to complete some sort of budget template. In my experience both as a financial neutral and a financial planner, I find most people do not care for the term budget. I do a fair amount of public speaking and when I ask people what they think of when they hear the word budget it usually has a negative impression like restrictive or confining. I have attempted to remove the word budget from my vocabulary as a result and replaced it with cash flow or spending guide. Budgets tend to be backward looking while the words cash flow and spending guide are future oriented. Assessing income and expenses (cash flow) provides each spouse with a realistic look at their financial security moving forward. Financial security is the number one goal I hear that each spouse wants to achieve. No one has ever told me they want financial insecurity. A realistic look at cash flow for each spouse is critical to providing the financial security they seek. Here is a phrase I have used when having cash flow discussions. If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep may be your downfall. Think about that for a moment. Better yet remember it, as it will serve you well no matter your financial stage in life. Yes the balance sheet with its listing of all assets and liabilities and the cash flow and support pieces form the two financial pillars of every divorce. Sometimes the financial issues can become very emotionally charged. A well-trained experienced collaborative financial professional along with the help of other collaborative team members can help keep spouses on track. I encourage couples to the extent possible to look at these decisions as business decisions. It’s easier said than done but in the end it usually is a business decision. I am a firm believer that each spouse and their family are far more important than any numbers on a balance sheet or cash flow report. In my book and in my work people always come first before numbers. There are other important financial issues a financial neutral can assist with. Watch for part II of “Getting Unmarried: Money and Divorce.” There I will talk about marital and non-marital property, analyzing tax implications of various scenarios for child support and/or spousal maintenance; analyzing property and business interests, debt pay off scenarios, and comparing pros and cons of using one asset over another. Is a collaborative divorce process right for you? If you or someone you know may be looking for a divorce alternative without court click on this link to learn more: www.collaborativelaw.org

June 30, 2014

Recently I received a referral from Kristin, a client I represented in 2011 in her collaborative divorce. In thanking her for the referral, I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing. With her permission, her response is reproduced below. At the time of her divorce, Kristin and her husband had two (2) children ages 10 and 12. Hi Tonda, Nice to hear from you. I will fill you in with some detail for examples of what can lay on the other side of divorce to help you give hope to your clients going through this painful process. Everyone is doing well here; the kids are doing really well splitting their time between our 2 households (4 miles apart). Tom and I have a much better relationship now than when we were getting divorced. We talk several times per week and text, usually daily, mostly regarding kids’ stuff like coordinating activities/homework and just general parenting issues. We also try to meet for coffee sometimes to discuss things more in depth like holidays and vacation planning and kids’ milestones. We see each other at their basketball games, tennis matches, orchestra concerts, etc, even holidays sometimes, and usually sit together with our new spouses. Tom and I both got re-married a couple of months ago and Tom and his wife are expecting a baby in March. I married a pharmacist that I met after the divorce and we got married in Yosemite in August of this year. The four of us get along well and the kids get along well with both our spouses so I have nothing but great things to say about the collaborative process. It really helped us to avoid a lot of un-pleasantries and keep our family together without staying married, which is really great. I hope all is well with you and your practice. I will continue to recommend people look into collaborative divorce as an option. It has been very helpful to us to use the divorce agreement as a structure, but we stay very flexible with rearranging schedules, holidays and vacations etc. We have actually never even had an argument since the divorce. It has helped us build a sense of cooperation and the collaborative process really reinforced putting the kids as the center point for all decisions going forward. One of the things that always stuck in my mind through the whole process was that Tom and I decided that even though we did not have a successful and healthy marriage, we would have a successful and healthy divorce and be successful and healthy parents. Best, Kristin

June 25, 2014

Former litigators who now practice exclusively collaborative law have varied reasons for that decision. Many revolve around better outcomes for clients or more peaceful processes. A reason that is less commonly talked about is the well being of the practitioner. A litigated divorce is often ripe with conflict and animosity. There is built in adversity and the very structure often leads to more anger and frustration. And, this is between the clients who are only going through this once. A divorce lawyer or other divorce professional deals with hundreds of these cases. They are often in the middle of many divorces and the animosity and anger can take a toll. A collaborative divorce, on the other hand, can be a more positive and less stressful experience. It is an out-of-court, non-adversarial process. The pacing of a collaborative divorce is controlled by the parties so no one is at the whim of a court’s schedule. Clients in collaborative divorce maintain control of the outcomes. Discovery (exchange of information) is done in an informal manner with full disclosure of whatever either party requests. Because of these reasons and more, some collaborative professionals find a higher level of satisfaction and well-being in their work. Now, some may wonder why a potential client should care about their lawyer’s well-being? The professionals on a collaborative team are the guides and support for clients. A client going through divorce wants an attorney who is in the best position to guide them through that process. Collaborative divorce is a more respectful and peaceful option for clients. It is the same for the professionals. Doctor martin Luther King, Jr. once said, “The happier we are, the better we work.” I stopped litigating cases for many reasons. My personal well-being may be the most important one.

June 3, 2014

This may sound like a joke . . . but it’s not. What do UPS trucks and collaborative divorce have in common? Both use innovation and creativity to solve standard problems in unique ways. Almost all turns (90%) made by UPS truck drivers are right turns. According to the Washington Post, UPS drivers intentionally make three right turns, instead of one left. The company has found that left turns are inefficient due to waiting in traffic and there is more likelihood of accidents when crossing lanes of traffic. The company has saved money and lives by making three right turns for every left. UPS has used a unique (but relatively easy) solution to provide better outcomes. Collaborative divorce does the same thing for families. People divorce every day. Couples going through divorce have a choice, just like UPS drivers, to head straight into traffic or take a different path. In divorce, “turning left” and heading into traffic is often less efficient and potentially the more harmful route. Couples, however, can choose to head down a more unique and creative path – collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce is an “outside of the box” option. Collaborative divorce solves the same problem as any other process – a divorce ultimately is a divorce regardless of how one gets there. But collaborative divorce is a different path. By engaging in interest-based negotiations, keeping goals at the center of the process, locking the courthouse doors, and working with trained professionals, couples can come up with unique and creative options that work for them. UPS has found a way to make the greater community safer and run its company more efficiently. Couples going through divorce can similarly influence our greater community. Innovation and creativity can lead to better outcomes for families. Some particular areas often addressed in a collaborative divorce, include:

Unique child support or expense sharing arrangements based on historical costs/expenses
Tax consequences of support options and property division
Creative financing options for a second home (or two new homes)
Parenting plan that addresses communication about the children, introduction of significant others, in addition to parenting schedules
Tracing of non-marital property (pre-marriage ownership, inheritances, gifts, etc.)
Maximizing property for both spouses

With a collaborative divorce, you and your family can work innovatively and creatively to reach resolutions tailored to meet your needs.

May 27, 2014

With so much at stake in a divorce, it is tempting to think about how to “win”. Yet, the grim irony of divorce is that “winning” often leads to poor results. I know that seems like a contradiction, but most divorce lawyers who, like me, have spoken with “winning” clients after a divorce, know that it is true. Almost every “winning” client I have known during the past 30 years of divorce practice has expressed severe disappointment with their “winning” outcome. The real “cost” of a litigated divorce (or even a divorce that settles on the courthouse steps) is so great financially, emotionally and, particularly for children, psychologically, that there truly are no winners. Does that mean that, when facing divorce, you should simply “give up” and let your spouse have whatever he or she wants? Of course not. Because there is so much that matters, you need to get the best possible outcome for you and your family. So, how can you achieve that, without trying to “win” in the traditional sense? By finding a smarter way to get your spouse “to yes”. Getting To Yes is the whole essence of divorce. More than 95% of all divorces end in an agreement (and not a trial), so your divorce is likely to end in an agreement of some kind. Therefore, the entire divorce process is one of seeking ways to get your spouse to say “yes” to the things that really matter. So, how do you get your spouse to eventually “say yes” to the things that are important to you? It is tempting to think that you will get your spouse to “say yes” by hiring an aggressive lawyer to make bold arguments in your favor. Tempting, maybe, but does that really work? Is your spouse the kind of person who will respond to arguments by giving in? Probably not. On the other hand, if you are like the rest of the world, you will need to be much more strategic. The chances are quite good that the best way to get your spouse to say yes is to help them see that saying yes meets their interests. This notion of ”interest based bargaining” is a way to truly “win” without having to make anyone lose. This method of truly “winning” without creating losers is rapidly growing in popularity and is commonly used by Collaborative Divorce lawyers. To find a Collaborative Divorce Lawyer in Minnesota who can explain this to you go to www.collabortivelaw.org.

May 22, 2014

In the list of life’s most stressful events, divorce is near the top of the list. Divorce can cause health concerns, sleeplessness, job performance problems, distraction, and short tempers. It can damage relationships with others and, obviously, can be very hard on children. People going through divorce often exert great energy trying to keep things together, while also trying to make decisions with long-lasting implications. It is important to find ways to lessen stress during divorce and keep calm. Here are four tips to managing stress during divorce:

Find a professional team that makes you feel comfortable and you trust. A supportive team, starting with an attorney, will help you feel supported and more comfortable with the decisions you are making. Your attorney will be with you along the journey. Often your attorney will see you cry, get angry, and express fear. Other team members, like a financial neutral or child specialist, can also help you feel supported and help the process move forward in a positive manner. Your team should not cause you stress. Just the opposite – it should help you feel safe and lower anxiety.
Focus on your own well-being. It is important to make sure you exercise self-care. Take care of yourself. Get sleep, exercise regularly, and reach out to friends for enjoyment and relaxation. The better you are personally, the better outcomes you will find in the divorce process.
Be mindful of your future. Not knowing what the future holds can be stressful. Learn all that you can during this process about your future so you can alleviate this concern. Make sure you grasp the financial implications and parenting decisions being made. Ask lots of questions and keep your long-term goals in mind. The more you know, the more comfortable you will be moving forward.
Consider a collaborative divorce. A litigation process – leaving decisions up to a third party – is inherently stressful. The adversarial nature of that process can add to the anxiety. On the other hand, negotiating outside of the courts and using a collaborative process can help you maintain control of the outcomes and help build a more positive co-parenting relationship. You can learn more about collaborative divorce here.

May 13, 2014

I just read a Forbes magazine article about the four methods of divorce: Do it yourself Divorce; Mediation; Collaborative Divorce and Litigated Divorce and it reminded of how lucky we are to live in Minnesota. Collaborative Divorce started in Minnesota in 1990 and is now recognized throughout the world as one of the four options. Collaborative Divorce is now being practiced in 24 different countries, on four continents and may be the world’s fastest growing alternative. Last week, I spoke to two divorce attorneys from Capetown, South Africa who will be coming to Minnesota for the entire month of May to study this new, groundbreaking method. Collaborative divorce is growing so rapidly for a reason; it works. During my 30 years of practicing family law, I have handled thousands of divorces using every method available. Today, I spend most of my time doing Collaborative cases because it gives my clients better results for less money; particularly when there are children involved. While I applaud the Forbes article for helping raise awareness about Collaborative Divorce, I do need to suggest one correction. The author suggests that Collaborative may not work as well when there are complicated financial situations or significant assets. In fact, that is actually where Collaborative Divorce works best. I have handled many multi-million dollar Collaborative cases and those clients have generally obtained the best outcomes. Because Collaborative Divorce has a rule of full transparency and invites creative structuring of settlement, people with large amount of assets generally get even better outcomes. The rules of disclosure in a Collaborative case are more thorough than in other types of cases. The author of the article is correct in saying that Collaborative Divorce is not right for every case and that each person facing divorce should investigate each option before they choose. I completely agree with that advice and I would add one other critical element. In weighing each option, make sure that you speak with professionals who have substantial experience in each area. Getting information about Collaborative Divorce, or any divorce, from someone without training and experience in this area, can be reckless. To find an experience Collaborative attorney in your community who will fully explain Collaborative Divorce to you; go to www.collaborativelaw.org.