“Revenge is a dish best served cold” is a popular saying which perhaps originated with Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, the French author of Dangerous Liaisons. Typically, that phrase has meant that revenge planned in patience, over time, yields superior results. However, as popular author James Kimmel, Jr., has noted in a recent book (The Science of Revenge, Random House 2025), that’s not how the human brain perceives it.
Revenge can exude immediate satisfying results to the human brain, which act chemically to produce a pleasurable effect. Over time, this pleasurable result can become an addiction. Because of the way the human brain is hard-wired, the immediate reward from revenge can become harder and harder to walk away from, even when the adverse long-term results become apparent. For people who have been impacted by severe trauma in their childhood, this addiction can be even harder to overcome. However, any form of perceived “grievance” can trigger the felt need for revenge, and such thought patterns may even be imagined, or be triggered the experience of others, instead of arising from personal damage or insult.
The “stop” mechanism which can protect human beings from the adverse impact of revenge is the frontal cortex – the part of the brain that can reason and inform – but that connection is not always enough t0 prevent bad things from happening.
In a divorce proceeding, the adverse effects can come from the length and cost of the process, the impact on children, the loss of income and liquid assets – the list goes on.
In Collaborative Practice, around the world, practitioners use the phrase “Resolving Disputes Respectfully” to describe their work. Why is this important? Is it just about wanting to appear “nice” and likeable to the Collaborative Professional Team? Or to family or friends? What’s behind this?
The act of offering respect – whether you think it’s deserved or not – is a way of working through the triggering of automatic defense mechanisms in the human brain which block conscious rational thought. Once the financial data has been collected, the Collaborative Financial Specialist starts to look at the analysis which will help the family to maximize after-tax income, and to create a sustainable cash flow plan moving forward. By the time the Financial Specialist is ready to share the tax analysis behind this planning, the divorcing couple needs to move beyond any “fight, flight or freeze” thinking into the frontal cortex of their brains, to make the best decisions possible, which will stand the test of time and be a stable solution for the entire family.
So, it’s important to recognize that while the pleasure which might be felt in plotting revenge against a spouse who has rejected you may feel good, and be a normal and perfectly human reaction, it may not meet overall goals for the long-term future. Showing “respect” in divorce is not about being a wimp or pushover. It’s about being as smart as you can be, and getting the smartest result possible for everyone in the family.
It doesn’t do much good to focus on an unbalanced solution (“winning it all”) if that result creates an unstable situation which does not meet the needs of children in both homes, and in consequence, the needs of both parents as well. In those unbalanced “solutions”, couples frequently end up back in court, again and again, in chronic conflict, which drains resources and genuinely creates an adverse impact on children, for whom even 2 or 3 years can feel like a lifetime of parental battles.
It’s up to the couples themselves to forsake the momentary bliss of revenge and instead focus on a long term solution for the future. Revenge is a tempting choice – and a habit that can be hard to break even once terrible consequences hit home.
Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com
With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.
She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.
After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.
