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What happens to couples who threaten each other when it comes to divorce?

It’s an automatic response, which happens on a physiological level first.   What some brain researchers refer to as the “fight, flight or freeze” phenomenon is an automatic survival mechanism that surfaces in response to perceived danger.   The amygdala in the center of the brain detects threats and signals, which trigger a cascade of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol to prepare the body to fight back – or flee, or freeze or even mimic a “fawn” – blending quietly into camouflage wherever a hiding place can be found.   Heart rate and breathing speed up, and muscles tense to respond with immediate action.

As divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein once noted, stress like that over a short period of time is one thing; stress like that over a period of many months or years (which contested court divorces can often last) is another thing entirely – it becomes something which can cause permanent damage to both parents and children.

What else happens when these mechanisms are triggered?   Rational thought – the type of careful thought which could be used by couples to craft a successful future for the family – cannot be accessed because it has been blocked.

Human beings are more than machines, and we can’t control our automatic triggers.   But we can be smart enough to over-ride them.

How can couples manage those physiological responses and move forward into a hopeful and happy future?

The solution is an easy answer, but it takes hard work and the development of habits which will help lay a communication foundation for the future, as well as help children to last and thrive for a lifetime.  Developing habits of respect for one another take practice, and here is a short list that can be practiced by anyone:

  1. Don’t jump to conclusions.   Collaborative Attorneys, and Financial and Family Specialists see this so often.   Couples assume they know what each other will say, before the chance to say it has surfaced, or the reasoning behind it has been explained.  Each side needs the chance to be heard, and to say what won’t work for them – but that has to be followed up by suggestions that could work for everyone.
  2. Use descending tone.   In a Collaborative Divorce, it’s so important for a divorcing couple to each find their individual “voice” in speaking to their own needs, and the needs of their children.  When couples speak up for themselves, it’s always more effective than lawyers blathering on about what they believe their clients think and need.  But couples’ voices do not have to shout to be effective.  Statements can be simple, direct, pointed – but the energy behind the voice doesn’t need to wear anyone out or down.  And sometimes adding a simple “we” or “us” to the statement can become more effective – “it seems to me like we’ve always gotten stuck on that, but I really don’t want us to go there anymore”.
  3. Stay curious.   This is the hardest habit to develop when anyone is facing danger – and in divorce the dangers can be losing assets, getting stuck with mountains of debt from the cost of the process, and spending meaningful time with children.  Big stuff – huge, in fact.  But it is possible to keep an open mind.   The internal discussion can move from “I don’t see how this can ever work” to “I wonder if maybe we could get that solved” – that shift invites positive solutions into the discussion and makes all the difference in the world.

If you are contemplating divorce, can you develop habits of respect for one another?   It’s not easy, and in fact such habits tend to fly in the face of automatic physical impulses.   But in Collaborative Practice we see couples who do it, and do it well.   We want to see couples and families not only survive the process – we want to see them and their children thrive.  And we want to see them craft solutions created out of their own authentic voice.

Consider a start by changing your negative self-talk.   Ask yourself, “could we maybe create a better future for ourselves?”   That potential future won’t happen without staying curious and developing the habits needed to get there.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.

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“Revenge is a dish best served cold” is a popular saying which perhaps originated with Pierre Choderlos de Laclos, the French author of Dangerous Liaisons.    Typically, that phrase has meant that revenge planned in patience, over time, yields superior results.   However, as popular author James Kimmel, Jr., has noted in a recent book (The Science of Revenge, Random House 2025), that’s not how the human brain perceives it.

Revenge can exude immediate satisfying results to the human brain, which act chemically to produce a pleasurable effect.  Over time, this pleasurable result can become an addiction.   Because of the way the human brain is hard-wired, the immediate reward from revenge can become harder and harder to walk away from, even when the adverse long-term results become apparent.  For people who have been impacted by severe trauma in their childhood, this addiction can be even harder to overcome.   However, any form of perceived “grievance” can trigger the felt need for revenge, and such thought patterns may even be imagined, or be triggered the experience of others, instead of arising from personal damage or insult.

The “stop” mechanism which can protect human beings from the adverse impact of revenge is the frontal cortex – the part of the brain that can reason and inform – but that connection is not always enough t0 prevent bad things from happening.

In a divorce proceeding, the adverse effects can come from the length and cost of the process, the impact on children, the loss of income and liquid assets – the list goes on.

In Collaborative Practice, around the world, practitioners use the phrase “Resolving Disputes Respectfully” to describe their work.   Why is this important?   Is it just about wanting to appear “nice” and likeable to the Collaborative Professional Team?   Or to family or friends?   What’s behind this?

The act of offering respect – whether you think it’s deserved or not – is a way of working through the triggering of automatic defense mechanisms in the human brain which block conscious rational thought.   Once the financial data has been collected, the Collaborative Financial Specialist starts to look at the analysis which will help the family to maximize after-tax income, and to create a sustainable cash flow plan moving forward.   By the time the Financial Specialist is ready to share the tax analysis behind this planning, the divorcing couple needs to move beyond any “fight, flight or freeze” thinking into the frontal cortex of their brains, to make the best decisions possible, which will stand the test of time and be a stable solution for the entire family.

So, it’s important to recognize that while the pleasure which might be felt in plotting revenge against a spouse who has rejected you may feel good, and be a normal and perfectly human reaction, it may not meet overall goals for the long-term future.   Showing “respect” in divorce is not about being a wimp or pushover.  It’s about being as smart as you can be, and getting the smartest result possible for everyone in the family.

It doesn’t do much good to focus on an unbalanced solution (“winning it all”) if that result creates an unstable situation which does not meet the needs of children in both homes, and in consequence, the needs of both parents as well.  In those unbalanced “solutions”, couples frequently end up back in court, again and again, in chronic conflict, which drains resources and genuinely creates an adverse impact on children, for whom even 2 or 3 years can feel like a lifetime of parental battles.

It’s up to the couples themselves to forsake the momentary bliss of revenge and instead focus on a long term solution for the future.  Revenge is a tempting choice – and a habit that can be hard to break even once terrible consequences hit home.

Judy Johnson
Collaborative Team Divorce Attorney
Judith _ h _ johnson @ Hotmail.com | 952-405-2015
collaborativedivorceminnesota.com

With more than 47 years in private practice, Ms. Johnson has built a respected career dedicated to helping families navigate legal transitions with clarity, dignity, and care.

She began her career in a mid-sized Minneapolis law firm where she was immersed in a broad general practice, gaining experience in real estate, civil rights, professional license defense, personal injury, juvenile and family court, criminal law, and probate. This diverse foundation shaped her comprehensive understanding of how legal issues intersect—ultimately guiding her toward a focus on family law and alternative dispute resolution.

After many years practicing contested litigation, Ms. Johnson transitioned in 2005 to Collaborative Team Divorce. This shift reflected her growing conviction that families benefit most from a “family systems” approach—one that prioritizes healthy adjustment for parents and children as they transition into two homes. Since then, she has devoted her work to collaborative practice, helping clients reach thoughtful, durable agreements outside of court. She remains of counsel with Speeter and Johnson in downtown Minneapolis.

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In recent years, how we handle many of life’s pivotal moments, including the sensitive divorce process, has shifted dramatically. The introduction of tools like Zoom into the collaborative divorce process has transformed how meetings are conducted and brought many benefits to clients. Let’s explore how this technological shift has significantly impacted clients through the lens of hypothetical client experiences.

The Time-Saver
Meet Sarah and John, who decided to part ways after a decade of marriage. With demanding careers and a busy family life, finding time for numerous meetings took a lot of work. The adoption of Zoom for their collaborative divorce process was a game-changer. They could attend sessions from the comfort of their home, saving valuable time otherwise spent traveling to and from meetings. This convenience allowed them to approach each session with a clearer mind, focusing on the matters at hand rather than the stress of commuting.

The Comfort of Distance
Then there’s the story of Emma and Alex. Sitting next to each other in a professional office would heighten their emotional stress, making productive communication challenging. Zoom provided a much-needed physical buffer. By attending sessions from separate locations, they found themselves more relaxed and able to communicate effectively. This emotional comfort translated into a more focused approach to resolving their issues.

Access to Specialized Professionals
Consider the case of Mia and Carlos. They had specific needs: Mia wanted a financial expert, while Carlos sought guidance on parenting plans. Previously, they were restricted to professionals in their immediate area. Zoom opened up a state-wide pool of experts. They were able to engage with a financial advisor from the suburbs and a parenting expert from St. Paul, each bringing specialized knowledge to the table.

The Long-Distance Couple
Finally, there’s Rachel and Tom, who were already living in different cities when they decided to divorce. For them, arranging in-person meetings was nearly impossible. Zoom made it feasible for them to engage in the collaborative process without the need for travel. This was particularly beneficial for Tom, who also frequently traveled for work and could join the sessions from anywhere, ensuring continuity in their proceedings.

The Bigger Picture
These stories highlight the flexibility and accessibility that Zoom has brought to the collaborative divorce process. Clients are no longer bound by geographical limitations or the constraints of traditional office hours. The comfort of attending from a familiar environment reduces stress, allowing for more productive discussions. The physical separation provided by virtual meetings can lower emotional intensity, fostering a more amicable environment for negotiation.

Moreover, this shift isn’t just beneficial for the clients. Professionals, too, have found that they can offer their services more broadly, reaching clients they wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s a win-win situation where expertise is now unrestricted by location.

Integrating Zoom meetings into the collaborative divorce process is more than a response to a world increasingly reliant on digital solutions. It’s a thoughtful adaptation to the needs of those going through one of life’s most challenging transitions, offering a sense of control, comfort, and accessibility that was previously hard to achieve with in-person meetings. As technologies continue to improve, it’s exciting to see how our ways of meeting with clients will continue to evolve.

Carl Arnold is an experienced family law attorney and mediator. He currently focuses his practice on Family Law Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. His office is in Northfield, Minnesota and he works with people from all over the state using Zoom. Carl has been a long-time member of the Collaborative Law Institute of Minnesota.

Arnold Law and Mediation LLC
Attorney/Mediator
507-786-9999
carl@arnoldlawmediation.com
www.arnoldlawmediation.com

Register here

Topic: CLI New Collaborative Experience Training Tune-up
Date: September 12, 2024
Time: 9:00 AM – 12 Noon
Location: Virtual on Zoom (This is a change from the originally planned in-person location in Edina)

Description: Attendees of the New Collaborative Experience have had some time to think about working Collaborative practice into their businesses.  This session is a chance to come back and work on specific needs identified through a survey sent to trainees to help fill the gaps and refresh as needed.

In response to the survey (Click here to start the survey) from participants who attended the NCE we will be discussing:

  • Enrolling the Client
  • How to talk about Neutrals
  • How to get the spouse on board with CP
  • Paperwork needed for CP
  • Marketing
    *In case you have not completed the NCE Training Tune-up survey, here is the link

Fee: $0
CE: None
Materials: Provided to registered attendees in an email
Speakers: Training Committee members based on results of survey

Training Committee Chairs:
Louise Livesay-Al |  louise@livesaylawoffice.com
Rebecca Randen | rebecca@randenlaw.com

For questions on registration, contact: Sandy Beeson: cli@collaborativelaw.org

Thank you to our Annual Partner Sponsors for their continuing support of CLI! Click here to learn more about our Supporting Partners

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In Part 1, vortex was defined as: 1) a whirling mass of water or air that sucks everything near it towards its center; 2) a place or situation regarded as drawing into its center all that it surrounds, and hence, being inescapable or destructible.tropical-cyclone-catarina-1167137_1920 The second definition provides a visual for what many think a divorce “looks like.”  While the end of a marriage is emotionally tumultuous and devastating, the actual legal process of uncoupling does not have to be.  But, it is critical that you choose a process that promotes healing.  The Collaborative Process does just that. Collaboration is a holistic approach to divorce.  It can be utilized by couples who are ending either a marriage or significant relationship, or who have a child or children together.  Although some people question whether it is an appropriate process when domestic abuse or mental health/chemical dependency issues are present, many others think it can (and should) at least be attempted.  If you don’t want to be another “divorce horror story,” the Collaborative Process will likely be a great fit. Collaboration focuses on the future (i.e., the relationship of co-parenting in two homes) rather than the past (i.e. the vilification of one spouse); is a win-win for both partners (rather than a court-imposed win-lose); and emphasizes the well-being of the entire family.  You don’t air your dirty laundry in court, and you aren’t (literally) judged.  In fact, you never set foot in a courtroom.  The negotiation model is interest-based/win-win, rather than positional/win-lose.  You pay attorneys to help you solve problems, not argue and keep you stuck in the past.  Every family is unique, so every family deserves a unique solution.  And if you have young children, please keep in mind they need you present and available.  You can’t be present when you are fighting the other parent in court.  In Part 3, we will discuss the various professionals in the Collaborative Process and how their expertise can help you avoid the divortex.
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aA collaborative law colleague recently wrote a lovely piece in the Boston Globe describing his reasons for leaving his litigation practice behind and representing clients only in alternative dispute resolution processes. His article resonated greatly with me. I too left behind a litigation practice to enter the world of peacemaking. While not an easy choice at the time, I look back six years later and realize that these years have been the most fulfilling of my career.  I have not stepped foot in a courtroom in almost six years. I am thankful for many things in my current “out of court” career, but here are just a few:
  • I spend my days working with clients on resolutions that meet their big picture goals.
  • My conversations and negotiations are fruitful, honest and genuine.  The teams I work with and clients who choose me are seeking this type of interest-based negotiation without gamesmanship or posturing.
  • My colleagues are professionals with passion and dedication to help people through transitions in their marriage – many are my friends, including attorneys who are on the “other side” representing my client’s spouse.
  • I can be creative in tailoring outcomes to meet my clients goals.
  • We can tailor my work to each client and what they need and want out of the process.
  • I am a peacemaker who is at peace.
Peacemaking professionals provide the best experience for clients.  I share my own story as a practitioner in the hopes that potential clients will read this and get a sense of who I am.  Knowing that, clients too may choose a path of peacefulness.
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My kids are spirited.  Not possessed, although somedays it seems like they are.  I thought the term “spirited child” referred to a child with ADD or ADHD.  Not true.  It’s not a diagnosis – it’s simply temperament.  Thank goodness for Minnesota’s own Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and her book, “Raising Your Spirited Child.”  As soon as I finished it, I started reading it again. Spirited kids are just “more,” and my two kiddos are high energy, intense, persistent, and slow to adapt.  This slow-to-adapt trait makes transitions a CONSTANT battle.  It’s hard enough getting my two out the door to school every day.  Then I think about kids whose parents are going through a divorce.  Not only are kids of divorce doing the everyday school, activities, home, etc., but they have two homes to toggle between.  I’m sure it’s hard for any kid to go back and forth between two homes.  Most adapt, though.  But if you have a child who doesn’t like transitions, and mix in some frustration and sadness of the divorce, you have the ingredients for a frustrating, heart-breaking battle between parent and child.  What to do? Regardless of whether they are spirited, but especially if they are, listen to your children.  Understand what your children are going through.  It’s never too late to get a child specialist involved in the process, even post-decree. Talk with your children them, instead of at them.  They didn’t ask to be in this position and they have NO control over the divorce.  Help them feel like they have some control over their world.  Don’t just assume they are doing well because they are getting straight A’s, or they’ll be OK when the divorce is final.  Maybe they will be OK.  After all, kids are resilient.  But they’re your kids.  And I think it’s our duty as parents to do as much for our kids emotionally as we can.  They deserve it.
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Those married, and especially with children, might dream of having a quiet Saturday night to themselves, but for many divorcees, especially those newly divorced this new “free time” can be especially lonely. You might not be ready or wanting to jump into dating, but being home alone frequently can be rather lonely during those early days of divorce, whether the kid’s are at your ex’s house, grown, or you don’t have any. We put together a list of ideas to get you started to help pass the time.
  • Exercise – Whether you prefer to exercise solo, or would like to make it a social activity by joining a gym or a running/swim/etc. there is no better time to get fit than on these lonely days. The endorphins will instantly boost your mood and you’ll gain extra side effects like weight loss, strength, and confidence!
  • Reading – If you don’t already love to read, keep trying – surely there is something out there that will peak your interest to keep reading! Join a book club if you want to make it a social activity. Not sure where to find one look online or start one – ask friends and neighbors with similar interests if they would like to join. You can rotate the meeting space/host each month to keep it fun and interesting!
  • Explore your town – play tourist in your own town, get lost in a bookstore, see when museums and arboretums have free admission days. Check into free classes and groups at your local library, many offer events like adult coloring night, crafts, and cooking. In addition to children’s activities, Community Education through the school districts also offer adult activities.
  • Cook – try new recipes, or maybe just save them on Pinterest for another day. If cooking for one person doesn’t interest you, perhaps make a monthly standing date with a parent/friend/sibling where you have them over for dinner and conversation. If baking is more your style, but you don’t want all of the sweet temptations around, take the treats to a nursing home, shelter, police precinct, etc.
  • Start a new hobby – maybe you haven’t picked up a paintbrush since high school art class, or dusted off that old sewing machine great Aunt Edna passed down to you years ago, but find something that peaks your interest. All the better if you’ve never done it before. Now days you can find a video tutorial for just about anything on the internet, which even makes home projects that you may have never considered DIYing possible. Hobbies like painting or sewing are difficult to start and stop when the kids are around, so those perfect projects for these lonely days.
  • Part time job – if you could use the extra cash there is no shame in getting a part-time gig. Even if you don’t necessarily need the money and are just looking to fill the time, find something you enjoy doing and set the money aside for a vacation! Even direct sales can provide a fun, no pressure, no schedule way to earn some extra cash and socialization too!
  • Volunteer – The options for volunteering are endless so find something that you are passionate about and look into how you can help.
Like the idea of being more social and meeting new friends, but not sure where to start? Websites like MeetUp.com are a great way to find local interest groups. Do you have activities that have helped you through your newly found free time? We’d love to hear your ideas in the comments below!
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blog picWhile researching for this post, I came across a number of divorce-related blogs.  The blog medium provides an efficient and concise opportunity to share information and educate the public.  This blog focuses on the collaborative process — where clients commit to an out-of-court, non–adversarial process. Here are some other blogs that may provide additional information as you navigate the divorce process:
  • Jeff Landers writes in Forbes Magazine about complex financial issues that women face in divorce.  He is a Certified Divorce Financial Planner who has extensive experience with high asset divorces.  His blog is informative and financially savvy.
  • Divorced Girl Smiling is a personal blog written by a woman during – and now after her divorce.  It is a personal account of her experience, as well as a gathering of resources for others who may be going through the same thing.  The archived blogs provide a great path through the litigation process, and provides some insight into why a non-adversarial approach may be better.
However you choose to get advice, being armed with information and prepared for the process can help you feel confident and ready for the transitions that come with divorce. There is a lot of information available online, if you know where to find it.
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173230422-little-girl-playing-gettyimagesMy two year old daughter received Legos for Christmas.  They were the bigger bricks, which are perfect for her chubby, dimpled hands, and pink and purple “princess” Legos that could be made into, what else?  Castles!  She really wasn’t interested in the figurines that were included, but she WAS interested in creating a “super tall building.”  I loved watching her build various creations. I’m pretty sure Lego didn’t make “girl” kits when I was growing up in the 70’s and 80’s.  My little brother had Legos, and I just shrugged them off as toys for boys.  I was into…dare I say…Barbie.  And all things that sparkle.  I would, most certainly, have played with pink and purple Legos, though.  After all, I liked putting things together.  When my “boombox” stopped working, I took it apart and put it back together (and yes, I even fixed it!).  Would I have become an engineer instead of a lawyer if Lego had made purple bricks?  Nope.  But if Lego had created a kit of pastel bricks, Legos might have outsold Superstar Barbie! Did girls miss out on something by not playing with Legos?  Maybe not.  But what IS it about princesses?  Dressed in her sparkly tutu, my daughter plays just as much, if not more, with trucks and transformers as she does her dolls.  Is it because she has an older brother?  Does she find transformers more interesting than her dolls?  My five year old son is all boy (rough and tumble, loves trucks and ninja turtles, slides into “home plate” – which is the northwest corner of the family room – so much he wears holes in his jeans) so I was pleasantly surprised when he picked up his sister’s doll and stroller and zoomed around the house.   “Great,” I thought, “maybe he’ll play dolls with his little sister.”  Uh…no.  He took the doll and stroller to annoy his younger sibling. Nevertheless, watching my daughter with those pink and purple Legos certainly made me think about how items are “sold” or “packaged.”  Do we really buy “things” or are we buying an “experience?”  It depends.  I think in many cases, we are paying for an experience, even when we buy products.  (For instance, why do I need to have an aromatherapy experience grocery shopping?  I’m there to buy groceries to feed my family.  If I want such an “experience” I’ll go to a spa.)  Nonetheless, the way products and experiences are packaged can make all the difference in the way we feel.  But with legal services, you are buying a product (the divorce agreement/documents) as well as the experience. When you are interviewing attorneys, be aware of what they are selling you and how they are selling it.  Does the attorney you are meeting with base his or her expertise on all the cases “won.”  Chances are, that attorney is talking more about him or herself and isn’t doing much listening to you.  This is a divorce, people.  A change in significant relationships within a family.  Nobody wins in a divorce, so please don’t fall for that “package.”  This process is all about getting to a new normal, and if you have young children, parenting them well.  So, the attorneys and team you are interviewing should be all about helping you get to that new normal.  That, in my opinion, is how divorce should be “packaged.”