Collaborative Divorce is intended to help families resolve conflict and move forward without the emotional and financial cost of litigation. Attorneys, financial professionals, and mental health neutrals all have vital roles in helping clients. However, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or unable to think clearly, there is another resource that can make a difference: divorce coaching.
A divorce coach can be part of the Collaborative team or work alongside the process to provide additional help. Coaching is not a substitute for legal counsel. Instead, it helps you work through the emotional issues of divorce so you can be more effective in the Collaborative process.
Divorce coaching is not just for the crisis. Some folks get a coach because they’re overwhelmed. Others just want an unbiased individual to help them get their thoughts together, prepare for meetings, communicate better and make decisions with more confidence. Coaching meets you at any stage of the process you are at.
When You Are Stuck
Many people considering divorce say:
- “I can’t eat.”
- “I can’t sleep.”
- “I can’t focus on work.”
- “I need someone to talk to.”
- “I don’t get this.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These are normal reactions to divorce. It doesn’t mean you’re not able to make excellent decisions. They only mean you’re emotionally overloaded. When emotions are running high, even simple decisions about your future can seem difficult.
When you feel stuck or are grieving the loss of your marriage and are being asked to make some life-changing decisions regarding your finances, your children and your future, it’s hard to know what to do next.
Understanding the Emotional Process
Divorce is more than a legal issue. It is an emotional process too.
People go through stages of shock, denial, anger, fear, reflection, self-reflection, acceptance, and even impatience. I often refer to this as the cycle of divorce. These stages are not a linear pattern. During the divorce you may find yourself going back and forth between the two.
One spouse may have been thinking about divorce for months or even years before saying it to the other party. By the time the Collaborative process begins, that person could be well down the road to acceptance or even feeling impatient and wanting to move forward.
The other spouse may have just found out that their partner wants a divorce. They may be in shock, or afraid, or angry
It’s important to understand where each person is in the divorce cycle.
If one person is ready to discuss and the other is mourning the loss of the relationship, pushing too hard or going too quickly might increase conflict. Sometimes the best approach is to slow the process just enough so the other person can process their emotions. When both parties reach a place of acceptance, they are able to think more clearly, communicate more effectively, and engage productively in the Collaborative process. Divorce coaching can be very helpful in getting someone get there.
Benefits of Coaching
Emotions like grief, anger, and fear might cause us to react emotionally rather than reply sensibly. You could say things you will regret. You may push back on reasonable solutions. You can make decisions based on emotion instead of long-term goals.
A divorce coach shows you how to notice when you’re being emotionally activated and teaches you how to hit the pause button before you react.
The idea is not to suppress or get rid of feelings. You don’t want your emotions to be making the key decisions for you.
As you move toward acceptance, you’ll be able to think more clearly, speak more effectively, and negotiate solutions that support your future.
From Reactive to Proactive
One of the first thing I generally ask a emotionally activated client is: “What can you control?”
You have no control over what your spouse does.
You can’t control whether they apologize.
You don’t get to dictate how long it takes them to process the divorce.
You can manage your own responses.
When you focus your efforts on the things you can control, you stop trying to change another person and start making decisions that align with your own values and goals.
This style of thinking can reduce conflict and allow for more productive conversations.
Managing Emotional Activation
Divorce can bring out the worst in people. Even those who are generally good communicators can become reactive when emotions are high.
A divorce coach can help you figure out what activates you and provide tools to stay grounded.
One visualization I like to use is to imagine that everyone is walking through life with a backpack. Inside each backpack are rocks representing that person’s pain, guilt, shame, anger, fear, disappointment, and unresolved emotions.
When your spouse says something hurtful or lashes out, imagine they are trying to take one of the rocks out of their backpack and place it into yours.
You get to decide.
You don’t have to take their rock. It belongs to them, not to you.
Instead, imagine refusing the rock and putting it back where it belongs, in their backpack.
Remind yourself:
- “I don’t want to carry your rock. I have my own rocks to carry”
- “I don’t have to answer just because they sent a message.”
- “I can choose how and if I respond.”
Simple strategies like these help you stay present during negotiations and difficult conversations. They create distance between your emotions and another person’s emotions, so you can choose to respond carefully rather than impulsively.
Helping Parents In High-Conflict
The emotional work for parents may continue, and perhaps get worse, even after the divorce is final.
High-conflict co-parenting is hard because we’re wired to want the other parent to change.
Sometimes they won’t change, no matter how much you wish they would.
Coaching helps you to realign expectations, set healthy boundaries, and focus on the parenting decisions that you can control.
If parents are living together during the divorce, a temporary parenting schedule and setting expectations for the household might help reduce day-to-day friction.
If communication is difficult with the other party, using email, parenting apps, or working with a co-parenting or divorce coach can help keep conversations focused on the children, not emotions.
Keep Your Goals In Mind
One of the top questions I ask is: What do you want your life to look like after your divorce?
When emotions kick in, it’s easy to lose sight of that vision. Returning to your long-term goals, while recognizing the other parties interests, frequently leads to more effective conversations. You may not agree on every topic, but by analyzing each person’s fundamental interests, you create opportunities for solutions that both sides can live with.
Take Care of Yourself
Divorce may be a draining experience, emotionally, psychologically and physically. This is where self-care is most important. Write down your thoughts. Surround yourself with encouraging individuals. “Exercise. Go outside. Engage in things that make you happy. Ask for help if you need it. Self-care after divorce is not a luxury, it is part of making better choices throughout one of life’s hardest changes.
The Role of Divorce Coaching in a Collaborative Divorce
Collaborative experts work hard to keep families out of court and centered on solutions. Divorce coaching builds on that work by helping people manage the emotional barriers that can get in the way of progress.
Coaches deal with non-legal concerns so you might spend less time processing emotions in your meetings with your attorney, which allows your attorney to focus on legal strategy and settlement. And in many circumstances, this can also lead to better use of legal time.
When you go from feeling stuck to feeling grounded, you become more successful in communicating, clearer in your decisions, and more productive in the Collaborative process.
Divorce can be one of life’s most difficult transitions, but you don’t have to go through it alone. If you’re considering Collaborative Divorce and feeling overwhelmed, divorce coaching can provide the support you need to move forward with greater clarity and confidence. Whether you’re just beginning to consider divorce or are already in the Collaborative process, the right support can help you reduce unnecessary conflict, make thoughtful decisions, and build the future you want to create.
About the Author
Bridget Leschinsky is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, CDC Certified Transition and Recovery Coach®, Minnesota Rule 114 Qualified Family Mediator, and founder of The Bridging Coach LLC. She helps individuals and couples navigate divorce with greater clarity, confidence, and less conflict.
Having experienced divorce herself while raising two young children, Bridget understands the emotional, financial, and practical challenges that often accompany this major life transition. Her personal experience, combined with professional training, allows her to provide compassionate, practical support that helps clients make informed decisions and move forward with confidence..
Before founding The Bridging Coach LLC, Bridget spent nearly 30 years in relationship management, business development, and client service. Those experiences strengthened her ability to build trust, communicate effectively, and help people navigate complex decisions with empathy and clarity.
Bridget is passionate about helping people move through divorce. She believes that, with the right guidance and support, individuals and families can reduce conflict, make thoughtful decisions, and build a positive future.
Bridget Leschinsky
CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, Co-Parenting Coach, Mediator
The Bridging Coach, LLC
Bridget@BridgeYourDivorce.com | 763-290-0434
www.bridgeyourdivorce.com