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155134777-sunrise-bursts-through-dense-fog-and-trees-gettyimagesPeace is possible though we are surrounded by conflict.  In the recent words of former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, “The world is a mess.”  Messiness occurs when people are unable or unwilling to resolve differences without wars of words or weapons.  This occurs not only globally but also on a personal scale.  And for all the extraordinary human costs of violent conflict, the most deeply distressing is its impact on children.

The end of a marriage has some similarities to the breaking up of a country based on sectarian differences.  Is it possible to disconnect without civil war?  Yes, but one must be mindful of the path one is choosing, and deliberately opt to not do battle.  Though sometimes complicated, peaceful resolutions are possible if the focus remains the safety and well-being of children.

I do not believe conflict is inevitable, because for every cause of conflict there is an inverse possibility.   In our day-to-day lives, we can choose a path of peace.  We can elect to follow The Four Agreements as defined by Don Miguel Ruiz in his book by the same name, and use these principles to help us resolve our differences:

1.     I will be impeccable with my word.

2.     I will not personalize what the other person says, does, thinks or believes.

3.     I will make no assumptions.

4.     I will do my best every day with the energy I have been given.

In Collaborative Team Practice, parents who are getting unmarried can draw from sources of support for the emotional, financial, parenting and legal issues that are involved.  Parents remain in charge of their own outcomes, but are given tools to keep the process as respectful as possible, thereby setting the stage for child-centered co-parenting in the future.  And the world your children will inhabit is in the future.  Let it be a peaceful one.

     
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Most of my work as a lawyer involves representing clients in Collaborative divorces, and most of those cases involve the use of neutral experts to advise the couple on finances, child development, and communication/relationship dynamics. The idea is to provide them the best professional information in a non-adversarial setting so that they can make well-informed choices when resolving their divorce issues. Very often, the first of these professionals a couple visits will be their neutral coach/facilitator, whose responsibility, if hired, (among many others) will be to help couples appreciate where their communication styles get in the way of decision-making. I’m fortunate to have some wonderful professionals available to serve my clients in that role. In recent years, the coach I work with most often is Lee Eddison, someone who embodies the art of compassionate listening, but who doesn’t hesitate to call a spade a shovel after more nuanced attempts at guidance have been unavailing. One of the assessment tools she uses is to ask each member of the couple to say three positive things about their spouse’s parenting ability. “He doesn’t suck,” doesn’t count, either. She knows that if someone can appreciate a positive contribution to the family made by someone they dislike, there’s an excellent chance they can have an interest-based conversation en route to a resolution. That’s not to say there aren’t other bumps in the road, or good reasons to end the intimate partnership. But the ability to appreciate that duality in their partner at a time when it counts–when you’d least like to–gives that appreciation a power and a significance it won’t have later. It has proven to be a fair bellwether of success in a Collaborative process. Very few individuals who go through a divorce are all good or all bad. There’s a saying in the court system that “In criminal cases, we see bad people at their best, and in family cases we see good people at their worst.” It’s a sound bite, of course, but it’s often true. For divorcing couples who can appreciate the good things their partner has contributed, the chances of escaping the not-so-good parts without making it worse are much higher.
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157282282Divorce court should be your LAST resort. After all, do you want a complete stranger in a black robe deciding the fate of your future? You do not want a judge to decide where your children will live, how much time you get to spend with them, or deciding your financial future. Once you go to court you lose the control. There are ways to stay out of the courtroom. Sitting down with your ex to work out as many issues as possible will help facilitate a settlement. Sound too easy (or maybe too difficult, if coming to agreements with your ex seems to be a difficult feat), enlist in the help of a Collaborative attorney. As part of the Collaborative law method, both parties retain separate attorneys whose job it is to help them settle the dispute. In the Collaborative process most of the formal steps are waived or postponed so that you and your spouse can focus on your divorce issues. The collaborative attorneys, along with you and your spouse, sign a contract that commits you to reach a settlement with your spouse. No one may go to court. If that should occur, the collaborative law process terminates and both attorneys are disqualified from any further involvement in the case. Having a good attorney who is a problem solver, rather than someone who creates problems, is important. You want an attorney who works with and for you, and not someone who will create unnecessary battles. Another good approach to avoiding divorce court is mediation. Mediation is used as a means of resolving cases without the need to go to trial. Mediation allows for you, your soon-to-be-ex spouse and respective attorneys to resolve issues using a third party, the mediator. A good mediator will work with the parties to settle everything with input from you as well as your attorneys. A mediator can help work out agreements on distribution of property and assets, child custody, child Support/maintenance, retirement, and taxes. Sometimes agreements come easy, sometimes they take time and a lot of work. When agreements are hard to reach, that is when the mediator intervenes. As said previously, the last thing anyone wants is to go to trial, however sometimes going to trial is simply unavoidable. What if you still find yourself in a divorce trial? Be sure to read Daisy Camp’s next blog post on, “What it Means to go to Trial in a Divorce.” Also, a wonderful book to read on the subject is the book, “The Collaborative Way to Divorce: The Revolutionary Method that Results in Less Stress, Lower Costs, and Happier Kids – Without Having to go to Court.” by Collaborative Attorneys, Stuart Webb and Ron Ousky.
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186816463I am often asked what a “drafting” process for divorce entails. While a full process often has 3-5 professionals, a process for clients who have worked out most of the resolutions on their own, can be much more streamlined. Using an attorney for legal advice and drafting can be a cost-effective and quick way to proceed. Here is how the process typically works: 1. Client hires attorney. In a drafting process, the client should hire an attorney who is willing to take on a drafting role – drafting the agreement and advising the client of his/her legal rights. 2. Client and attorney meet to discuss the resolutions reached. In a drafting process, the clients have typically already reached agreement on property division and cash flow. They have disclosed everything to each other and made decisions about how to divide the property (assets and liabilities) and agreed upon child support and/or spousal maintenance if needed. In this initial meeting, the client provides the attorney all supporting documentation and discusses the agreements reached. The attorney advises the client of the legal implications of the agreements and either confirms the agreements or discusses potential revisions. Sometimes, the attorney brings up ideas or questions that the client has not yet contemplated. If so, the client can go back to their spouse and discuss these additional matters. 3. Once the final agreements are discussed, attorney can draft the documents. In Minnesota, the substantive divorce document is a Stipulated Judgment and Decree. There are other supporting documents needed, but this is the main document needed. This Judgment and Decree outlines all resolutions that have been agreed upon. 4. Client reviews the documentation. 5. Spouse reviews the documentation and has an attorney review and advise him/her of the legal implications. 6. The attorneys and clients can communicate and revise the documentation as needed. 7. Once finalized, the documents are signed by clients and attorneys and filed. While a drafting process can be efficient and cost-effective, it works best when clients have all agreements in place and do not waiver from their original positions. If the clients learn more about their legal rights and wants to further explore options, it is often best to enter into a collaborative process, where more options can be explored.
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450844547Almost all divorces end up in a negotiated settlement. (In most states, less than 5% of all divorces actually go to trial.) Therefore, the most important thing for couples to consider, before they start down the path toward divorce, is how to negotiate the best possible resolution to your divorce. When I ask most clients what they want from a divorce process, they almost always talk about two things: 1.) They want a divorce that is amicable. This makes sense. Most wise people would want an amicable divorce; either for the sake of their children, the protection of their finances, preserving their own mental health, or all three. No sane person would choose to have a messy divorce if they can avoid it. 2.) They want to feel protected. At the same time, almost everyone wants to feel some sense of protection. They are entering into important agreements that will impact their lives and, perhaps, the lives of the children for many years. They do not want to sign an agreement that they will resent or regret. These two negotiating goals do not need to conflict with each other. The biggest mistake that people can make is thinking that these two goals are in conflict with each other. They want an amicable divorce but they think the need to hire an aggressive lawyer to protect their needs. Or, alternatively, they think that all lawyers will be aggressive so they avoid getting legal counsel and end up with a settlement that they regret. Contrary to common belief, it is possible for divorcing clients to have the “best of both worlds”. This is the very reason that Collaborative Practice has grown all over the world. The best scenario, of course, would be to have an attorney who will protect your interests and yet preserve an amicable environment. Collaborative Attorneys are trained in non-adversarial negotiating strategies and they are retained for settlement purposes only. Because they focus on settlement only, they work to help your spouse to “say yes” by using interest based methods that help you get better outcomes, without creating the rancor and expense of using adversarial methods. To learn more about Collaborative Practice, and how it can be used to help you get your best outcomes, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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144560286When contemplating the pros and cons of getting divorced, I doubt anyone ever puts in the pros column “easier to claim Social Security Spousal Benefits”. Some people may not even realize that they can get Social Security spousal benefits based on their ex-spouse’s work record. Below are some of the basics of claiming spousal benefits after divorce. Social Security spousal benefits, whether married or divorced, are calculated to be 50% of the spouse’s Primary Insurance Amount (PIA) at their Full Retirement Age (FRA). That is 50% of the benefit amount the ex-spouse would receive if they applied for benefits sometime after their 66th birthday (currently). In order to be eligible to claim spousal benefits on an ex-spouse’s work record, one has to be over age 62 and so does the ex-spouse. The marriage has to have lasted at least 10 years and one has to be divorced for 2 years. Finally, one cannot have remarried and it doesn’t matter if the ex-spouse has remarried. The advantage of being divorced and claiming spousal benefits is that the ex-spouse does not need to be receiving benefits. Married couples have to undertake some complicated paperwork machinations if one spouse wants to claim spousal benefits while the other spouse continues to work. A divorced person doesn’t even need to interact with their ex-spouse to claim benefits based on that person’s work record. One has to provide the ex-spouse’s social security number, a marriage certificate and a divorce decree to claim spousal benefits. The ramifications of claiming spousal benefits prior to your own FRA should be thoroughly understood before applying early. The same reductions in benefits that affect anyone applying for benefits before their FRA also apply to spousal benefits. For example, an ex-spouse claiming spousal benefits as early as possible – age 62, will have their benefit reduced by approximately 25%. Instead of receiving 50% of their ex-spouse’s PIA, they will receive approximately 35% of that benefit. Another important consequence of applying before one’s own FRA is that social security actually awards benefits based on one’s own work record. If the spousal benefit is greater than one’s own benefit, social security adds the difference to one’s own benefit instead of solely awarding spousal benefits. There is a misconception that one can claim spousal benefits prior to their FRA, let their own benefits continue to grow and switch to their own benefit later. Since social security is actually awarding one’s own benefit for a claim prior FRA, this strategy not possible. The good news is that one can do the switching strategy after their FRA. We have helped divorced working women who have reached full retirement age claim spousal benefits based their ex-husband’s work record. They can receive spousal benefits beginning at their FRA until age 70, while their own benefits continue to grow. By delaying claiming their own benefits until age 70, social security automatically increases their benefits 8% for each year they delay past their FRA. Continuing to work may increase their benefit even further. An additional advantage of waiting to claim benefits until after one’s FRA is that benefits will not be reduced if still working. Anyone claiming benefits prior to their FRA and earning over $15,000 in W-2 income from a job will likely see their benefits reduced. After one’s FRA, one can work without a reduction in benefit and as already mentioned may see their benefit increase. Social Security is a complex program, so whether divorced or married, it is best to meet with a financial advisor to discuss when to take social security before applying for benefits.
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Let’s face it, it’s not easy to announce your divorce, it may in fact be what you are dreading the most, but confiding in others will help you gain the support you need to pick up the pieces. There are so many different emotions – sadness, anger, fear, guilt, etc. One of the fears is about telling your friends and family. How will they react? What will they think? Will they ask a lot of questions that you don’t know how to answer? Will they be supportive? Some divorces come as no surprise that people saw coming and some divorces seem to come out of left field, depending on how much you and your spouse were “keeping up with appearances.” It is natural to want to keep up with appearances, after all, you may have went through months (even years) where you didn’t know if it would work out or not, and if it did you didn’t want your friends and family to dislike your spouse or think poorly of your marriage. This is not uncommon at all, it just makes initiating the conversation a bit more difficult. Remember that ultimately your friends and family want you to be happy. Tell your immediate family and closest friends first. From there, it gets trickier to know what is the best approach to take. You probably don’t want to, nor is it healthy, to tell the story over and over, so maybe an email to extended family and friends works for you, or maybe having a specific friend and family member responsible for letting certain people know is the best method for you. Having to worry about whether you are breaking the news in the right delivery method should be the least of your concerns right now, and people ultimately need to understand that. However, because everyone seems to want to know why, it is imperative to have a brief “elevator speech” ready. This can be as simple as, “We are two good people, that are simply not good together.” Your boss may need to know since divorce proceedings might conflict with your work schedule, but the need to tell co-workers will vary. If you aren’t close to them and normally don’t discuss your personal life then an announcement probably isn’t necessary. In today’s digital world there is also social media to consider. Don’t feel like you have to make an announcement, you can do nothing or simply change your name, eventually people will figure it out. News travels, and beyond close friends and family, you don’t own anyone an explanation. Don’t be alarmed if some people start to distance themselves. They may also be grieving this divorce. Sometimes friends whose own marriages are struggling will separate themselves from you for fear that it may happen to them as well. It’s important to remember that divorce does not define you. Your true friends will stand by you and most likely will want to help, but they may not necessarily know how. Perhaps before you break the news to friends and family make a list of what people can help with. Whether that’s enlisting in moving help, help with the kids, emotional support, attorney recommendations, or even needing a group of friends to commit to a night out once a month. Write down anything and everything that you might think could help, and then when people ask you can let them know immediately. Helping assists people in coping and understanding, so enlisting in friends and family’s help can be beneficial to all. Friends will want to help and lend advice. Allow them to help, but please seek advice from professionals (clergy, attorneys, therapists, advisers, etc), and remember to take care of yourself emotionally and physical.
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157522978Collaborative law is a world-wide phenomenon. Although the process originally started in Minnesota, it has now spread throughout the world.  Over the past few years, I have had the privilege of getting to know collaborative professionals from Europe, South America, Australia, and Africa. Collaborative law happens all over the world. I often find myself meeting with new potential clients and discussing the benefits of collaborative divorce. I differentiate this process from an adversarial, court process. Most importantly, I try and help potential clients understand the simplest, most elegant aspect of collaborative divorce – it just works. In many aspects of life, we try and find the “special sauce.” How do we articulate, put to words, the essence of collaborative law? What is it about collaborative law that has made it a world-wide phenomenon? Allowing clients to maintain control of the process and work in a respectful manner to find mutually-agreeable resolutions are the key tenants. But why does it work? I think the essence of collaborative law supersedes culture and language. It works all over the world because people genuinely want it to work. People want to maintain control of their family and lives after divorce. People want confidentiality and full disclosure of information, but don’t want to incur extraordinary expense. People also want a respectful process and want to maintain their own integrity throughout. Some people ask why collaborative law works? I think it makes more sense to state that collaborative law does work. In fact, it works all over the world.
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149261495Every once in awhile a movie comes along that gives us an important glimpse into the world of divorce.  Richard Linklater’s movie Boyhood is one of those rare films. It tells the story of a divorced family over a period of twelve years in a way that has moved audiences and impressed critics all over the world. It won the Golden Globes and Critics Award for Best Picture and is one of the favorites to win the Oscar for best picture as well. One of the unique features of the movie is that it was filmed over a period of 12 years, so you actually watch the boy grow from age 6 to 18. Seeing the real actors grow over time does seem to make it feel more real and by the end of the film the viewer gets a powerful sense of how this world feels, particularly for the children. Parents who have been through a divorce, or who see the possibility of divorce, are likely to be particularly moved by the film. While the movie clearly shows the pain and difficulty that the children face from living in two homes, and in having to adapt to new step-parents, it is not a grim account designed to make us feel that children of divorce are doomed. Indeed, Linklater, who acknowledges that the movie is based loosely on his life, says he was more interested in just showing that, for many families this world is very real. Over the twelve years, the boy, and his older sister, face many of the same issues faced by most children; the fact that they experienced those issues in separate homes adds a different dimension to their lives but, at least in this movie, does not devastate the family. Without spoiling the movie, it can be said that the divorced parents in the movie, while clearly imperfect, work through their life experiences without intense bitterness toward each other and, in the end that seems to have made all of the difference. I have, over the years, observed divorcing parents who never truly overcame their grief or anger. When I imagine the “Boyhood” story with these parents, I realize the story would have a completely different feeling. For me one of the messages that the movie underscores is that divorcing parents can be imperfect, and they can make the mistakes that we all make; but if their love of their children prevails, and they come to resolve their issues of grief and anger, their children can thrive. In my 32 years as a divorce attorney, I have witnessed every variation of the “Boyhood” story. My observations have convinced me that, for most divorcing parents, the method they choose for their divorce can make all of the difference. When it comes to divorce, some sadness, fear, and anger are inevitable. However, choosing a process that will help you resolve those issues, rather than inflame these emotions is crucial. To learn more about your choices, go to www.collaborativelaw.org or www.divorcechoice.com.
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Dan and Tonda celebrating 40 years of marriage in Paris.
My husband and I celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary this year. It feels like a big number but I don’t feel old or tired of the marriage. My husband and I have worked hard to keep our marriage fresh and vibrant, and we look forward to the next 20 or 30 years together. But as a collaborative divorce attorney, I know that even happy marriages can come to an end. In fact most marriages are happy, some for many years, before “stuff happens” and one or both spouses decide to end the marriage. Before I became a “collaborative” divorce attorney and was merely a “traditional” divorce attorney, it was frightening to think of going through my own divorce. My experience as a “traditional” divorce attorney made me all too aware of the stress my clients and their spouses underwent in an adversarial process that sometimes exacerbated the conflict between them and put pressure on them to vilify or blame the other. However, since limiting my practice to the out-of-court collaborative divorce process, I am no longer afraid of going through my own divorce if that became necessary. I know that my husband and I would be respected in the collaborative process and that we would work for the greater good of our family and for our mutual future security. While my marriage would be a great loss to me, I know the collaborative process is there to gently, effectively, and efficiently escort me and my husband through this important life event. Don’t be afraid. If you are faced with or considering an end to your marriage, consider a collaborative divorce. You can find out more about it at www.collaborativelaw.org and www.mndivorce.com.