How do you say good-bye to someone who is still there? A person who has been an integral part of your daily life, shared your adventures and your routine is now gone… and not gone.
Last week I attended a conference by Pauline Boss on Ambiguous Loss. She reminded me that divorce is an example of loss that is indefinite and messy. Signing the final decree ends the divorce process and defines your new legal status. You are divorced now but the person is still there; at events, through friends, extended family, work connections, and/or, of course, children.
We don’t like ambiguity. We prefer control and certainty. We seek a beginning and an end. We crave closure.
In the divorce process it is helpful to find the certainties where possible, and thank goodness there are some. People move into separate homes, disentangle finances, start to plan their own schedules and make independent decisions.
I think it is more difficult to prepare for the many uncertainties; how will you communicate, when will you see each other – intentionally or unintentionally, how do you cope with feeling relieved one minute and anxious the next? It is essential to take time and make space for the emotional challenge of saying a complicated good-bye to someone who is still there.
Remember, in reality we handle ambiguity every day, we just don’t think about it; traffic, weather, other people’s reactions, unexpected phone calls. We survive this by processing what we can and can’t control. When life feels too uncertain do something concrete, something you can control; read a book, do a puzzle, clean the kitchen, talk to a friend.
In the difficult process of divorce recognize that this good-bye is conditional and complicated. Allow time to grieve, to feel confused, and to adjust. Look for opportunities to set personal goals, celebrate independence, affirm inner strengths, spend time with people who are supportive, do things you enjoy and, above all, take good care of yourself.
I had a familiar conversation recently, this time on the golf course. As with life, golf is both precise and random: precise because there are exactly 18 holes to play, and random because a golfer never quite knows how the ball will fly from time to time nor with whom the starter will pair you up to play. We were paired with two great golfers who both happened to be named Sean.
Sean #1 asked what I did for a living. I gave him my elevator speech about being a Neutral Child Specialist in Collaborative Team Practice and he said, “Wow, that sounds awesome…..it must be really hard work.” My response is always that sometimes it’s hard work, but mostly it’s very rewarding to help families make the difficult transition from married to unmarried with less acrimony and stress for kids. Sean got a faraway look in his eyes and said, “I can sure see that.”
What he was seeing in his mind’s eye, I can only imagine. But often I will hear from young adults with whom I share my work that they wished Collaborative Team Practice had been available to their family when their parents were getting divorced. I have yet to meet anyone who said, “Well, I for one am very grateful that my parents’ divorce was highly acrimonious and adversarial because it was so character-building for me.”
We can’t pretend that ending a marriage will be a pain-free proposition, especially if there are children involved. Divorce is a life crisis for all family members. Collaborative Team Practice is designed to help keep the crisis of divorce from ever becoming a trauma for a child, because there is a profound difference how each impacts the child’s resilience and sense of hope.
If you are a golfer, here’s another way to think about it. Collaborative Team Practice is both precise and random: precise because there is a structured, supportive format for the process and random because of unique family circumstances and unpredictable challenges that arise from time to time. But the pairing of a family with a Collaborative team has great potential value. Collaborative Team Practice helps parents keep their eye on the ball and the ball on the fairway, away from hazards and deep rough where it could easily get lost.
Welcome! Namaste, as they often say at the beginning and ending of Yoga classes.
If you are going through a divorce or separation, one of the best pieces of non-legal advice I can give you is to take up Yoga (or reengage with your existing practice with renewed determination).
Now, you may be wondering: “What in the world is the connection between divorce or separation and Yoga?”
Well, Yoga can help fight stress, depression and anxiety, among other health benefits, which are common health and wellness issues to address when you experience conflict in your life.
As a Collaborative Practice Lawyer and Family Mediator, who works in the middle of family conflict on a daily basis, I have benefited from practicing Yoga as a means to reduce my stress level, to increase my resiliency to stressful situations and to improve my overall fitness level.
If it works for the professionals you are working with, it could just as easily work for you.
I recommend Yoga to anyone going through divorce or other family conflict or significant life transition. Yoga just provides a nice mix of low-impact physical movement and increased stress resilience.
There are many different types of Yoga, but in most western Yoga studios, Yoga practice is about connecting with your physical and mental self. There is a focus on being mindful of your breathing and feedback from your body as you move through the poses or as you simply sit or lay still. It often incorporates a portion of meditation practice that teaches us to observe our thoughts non-judgmentally which helps us further observe our physical reaction to our thoughts and feelings and, as a benefit, to feel less negative physical reactions to stress.
To learn more about Yoga, you may want to check out your local Yoga studio(s), which you can find by Googling Yoga and looking through the local results. Also look online at Yoga Journal. I am a subscriber of Yoga Journal and have copies on-hand at my office for clients. For my own personal practice, I’ve been very tempted to try out streaming online classes from myonlineyoga.com, which has a huge selection of classes and has a very low monthly cost.
It goes without saying that it is incredibly helpful to be able to maintain a sense of calm during tense discussions (yes, even in Collaborative Practice!) about important things such as parenting schedules for the kids and different options for dividing assets and debts. What if you could do a better job of keeping your cool and keeping your focus on your long-term goals and concerns, instead of how mad you are about what your spouse just said?
Give Yoga a try. Namaste.
T. Boone Pickens Photo Creative Commons Licensed, Author: David Shankbone
Texas millionaire T. Boone Pickens found a way to save “several millions” on his divorce. His discovery could save you something just as valuable.
When T. Boone Pickens recently filed for his fourth divorce, he decided to try something different. Rather than proceed with a traditional divorce, as he had on the previous three occasions, he decided on a Collaborative Divorce, a process he claims saved him “ several millions”.
In an interview with the Dallas Business Journal, Mr. Pickens said that said that “Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating.”
In fact, Mr. Pickens was so grateful for the Collaborative process that he has recently donated $100,000 to the Collaborative Law Institute of Texas.
If you are facing divorce, this may not mean much to you since you probably are not in a position to save (or lose) millions. However, you may find that you can save something even more valuable. Mr. Pickens was impressed that the Collaborative Process not only helps clients save money but saves on the “emotional wear and tear on families.” For most families who face divorce, this is the more crucial issue. Collaborative Divorce is a method where attorneys and other professionals work with divorcing family for settlement purposes only and resolve issues out of court.
I have represented hundreds of families through the Collaborative Divorce process and while none of these families saved millions of dollars, many of them are just as elated because of what it saved on the emotional wear and tear on their families . Most parents would agree that while a divorce process that saves us money can be worth millions, a process that spares the emotional wear and tear on our families can be priceless.
To learn more about the Collaborative Process, go to www.Collaborativelaw.org.
As a divorce attorney, I often ask myself “What is this dispute really about?” This is also a good question for each person going through a divorce.
In an early case I had before I started practicing collaborative divorce, an ex-wife sued my client after the divorce was final. Her motion said that he had wrongfully taken the Tupperware and her maternity clothing and she wanted those items. We actually had a court hearing on this and her ex-husband had to get on the witness stand and testify. He testified that he did not have the Tupperware and he did not have and had no use for her maternity clothes.
That brought out a chuckle from those in the courtroom and the judge stifled a grin. The motion was denied and I felt like we “won.”
Looking back, I now realize that the divorce did not resolve some underlying issues which caused the dispute to keep on going. In a traditional divorce, the legal issues control the outcome in court and the emotional issues determine how long and how costly the dispute is.
In a collaborative divorce, both the emotional and legal issues are acknowledged and addressed. The process we use focuses on the interests the parties have – and in my experience most of those interests are shared by both. If there are differences, those are discussed. The basic facts needed are incomes, values of assets, debt balances –which can easily be verified by documents. Those assets that are harder to value such as homes, businesses – can be valued by a neutral expert agreed to by both
The emotions of anger and perceived wrongs of the past can impede progress in reaching a final agreement. In a collaborative divorce, a neutral coach who is a mental health professional working with the couple, helps them work through those impediments to a settlement.
If you are going through a divorce, you want to avoid arguing about the Tupperware and get some help to focus on what your real interests are and how you can reach an agreement.